Message to Mentally Ill: You are Doing the Best You Can!

[@eddievalentinelives]

I think this message is a good example of what sets Prof. Vaknin apart from the self-styled experts and gurus out there. He refuses to offer false hope, and it is evident in his comment about the thin "veneer of civilization and civility," which I feel too many people in the field take for granted. All that is functional, healthy, and normative hangs on a thread, and those who suffer from mental illness are simply more intimate with this kind of uncertainty.

[@sallywillis1448]

Yes!

[@michaelblankenau6598]

Well put

[@MrDooley45]

Yes so well said

[@radioactivepotato2068]

I'm gonna share something I wrote down last night. I don't know why I'm sharing it, but it felt good to lay it all out and maybe I can encourage others to do the same and begin to take control of the situation. I realise some are going to find it difficult to believe and I understand that. I find it difficult myself at times. In any event, here it is. Brief childhood history.. Single mother, alcoholic, severe mental illness. Ruthless, sustained beatings. First memories of which as a toddler. She hung me from our third floor window by my feet, aged approx four years old, I still have nightmares about this incident/s. I didn't recall this memory until I was in late teens, I likely blocked out the memory as with many incidents. My mother left us locked in the house and disappeared, sometimes for days at a time, drinking the food money, bringing drunk men home, sex sounds, fights, r*pe, glasses smashing etc.. Rarely any food in the house, I often climbed out of kitchen window at night and pulled food from the bins behind the Co-op so my sister and I could eat. My mother has jumped into the Thames, into ponds, was often found lying in roads having soiled herself, started fights with neighbours, once fell on milk bottles and attempted to stitch herself up with a needle and cotton in front of me. Attacked me often, including with knives/scissors. She has set herself on fire in the back of police van and is severely scarred as a result. Often turned up at my school, drunk. I really could fill pages with these incidents.. Once (aged 5-6) drunk, she held me by the scruff and slapped me on the left side of face in excess of fifty times, full swings, my sister was begging her to stop, mum was telling me to take it like a man, my face was like a purple balloon the next day, split lip, double vision, kept in house approx two weeks until healed. From the age of around four, over a period of approx four or five years, she would wake my sister and I at night, ask us to sleep in living room with her, join the two sofas and watch a movie. She would wake us in early hours of the morning, naked, clawing at her neck and chest, drawing blood, claiming to be possessed by a demon. My sister would have to read the lords prayer repeatedly, I'd have to throw holy water on her. This went on for hours and was beyond terrifying. I suffered severe sleep deprivation as a child. Again, the memory of this was apparently blocked out for many years. It was only when I was in my early twenties and my sister asked me if I remembered, did it come flooding back to me. I all but fell to pieces in that moment. I still have regular nightmares that she's sat on end of my bed, telling me its OK, she loves me, that I can look at her.. When I look at her, she's the demon, shes on fire, the skin dripping from her face, neck and chest, making those vile gutteral noises that still haunt me. The dreams feel 100% real and when I wake, I'm frozen to the bed in fear, swimming in sweat, terrified to open my eyes and look down to the end of my bed. Tough to admit as a 42 year old, 6ft, 200lb man. I ran away from home aged eleven and slept in a small, disused, brick built, electrical intake hut on side of A3 motorway, just on the outskirts of the South West London estate I grew up on. I was there for approximately nine months. I survived on the proceeds from finding lost golf balls at Richmond park golf course, selling them at 3 for £1 to golfers at the first hole. When there was no balls, I stole milk from doorsteps, sometimes food from shops. It was the happiest time of my life, if truth be told. I was eventually picked up by police, taken into care with a severe case of trench foot. I was moved around care homes for approximately two years. Including home with mum and and a short stay at my dads (before his wife had enough of me), I lived in at least twelve places before the age of thirteen, my care records substantiate this. I often absconded from childrens/foster homes for days at a time and would stay at friends houses and wander alone through the West End of London, which I loved. I ended up being placed at "The Small School at Red house" in Norwich. Red House was ran by an organisation in Denmark known as Tvind which is now regarded as a cult, I suffered abuse there also. Norfolk County Council are currently subject to joint civil proceedings for neglect/safeguarding failures. Imran Khan K.C (Stephen Lawrence lawyer) and his team are handling, alongside the group involved with The Shirley Oaks Foundation. Feel free to search for it online. Red House shut down as a result of a government investigation. I was perversely placed back with mum until 16+ accommodation became available. Nothing had changed with her, but I could stand up for myself a little more. I soon moved into a 16+ studio apartment. There, I was the victim of an aggravated burglary. Out of fear for my life, I stabbed one of the four perpetrators, I was hunted down by gangs, I left London and sofa surfed/slept on the streets for approx six or seven years. I met my first LTR, I tried my best to work, putting in three years of night shifts but struggled massively. We had two kids and married. I found out later that she cheated, with multiple men, up to and including a week after wedding. She kicked me out and moved another man in the very next day, leaving me homeless once more and estranged from my two young children. I moved on too quickly, I entered into and have been in a relationship with (what I now know to be) a covert/vulnerable narcissist for some fourteen years. I'm currently living in caravan at the bottom of our garden, due largely to battle fatigue and a need for self preservation. The relationship is over and I'm likely to be homeless again soon. I dissociate, I experience sustained periods of suicidal ideation, my anxiety is at times off the scale. Some time ago, I suffered a mental breakdown. I gave permission for her to be the appointee allowing her to handle the benefits claim, which is in my name. During that time, she asked me if my PIP money was enough for me for the month, a personal allowance, essentially. I agreed. We had a joint account. She opened up a seperate account with monzo for me, leaving our joint account for benefits payments etc.. Shortly after, without my knowledge or consent, or at least that I can recall, she changed all benefits payments to be directed into her personal account, leaving only my PIP payment going into the joint account. I would move it into my personal account from there. I've not seen any of the finances since Sept 2022. Today, 23/7/23, I applied for housing. I explained to her that I need to have a look at the finances so I can declare anything needed on my housing application and asked if she would be able to sent me a few months of her bank statements. She refused, first offering me a written breakdown of incomings and outgoings which I explained wouldn't be sufficient evidence of finances for the housing association. She said she would ring the housing association on Monday to inform them of the details. She is shook and in full battle mode. I asked her what she was so afraid of me seeing? I told her she could mark out anything she didn't want me to see. She blew up, stating that it wasn't any of my business. I have screenshots of this text exchange. Also today, still 23/7/23, I found out that she has secret access to my bank account, via permissions she enabled when setting up the account. I was able to remove her access and drove out to a cash point to use the pin services to change my pin. To clarify, she's refusing me access to records of the spending of finances which are in my name, despite having secret access to view every transaction I make. The amount, the place, the time.. I am undeterred. The videos from this man have made me realise what's been happening to me. What I've allowed to happen to me. I feel strong. I'm three days sober and haven't smoked any weed, which I've been doing from the moment I wake up for three last four years or so. Dr Vaknin, I thank you sir, truly and deeply from the bottom of my heart. I'm so, so very ready to feast on life. My best wishes to you all. Xx

[@sharond.940]

It's amazing what we can survive. You will survive this as well. All the best to you.

[@dezyLmedia]

Keep staying strong friend...❤

[@nonymousjones7204]

I’m 3 weeks sober and struggling to. My sister and I were messed with hard as a kid but my mom was in AA. It didn’t stop a lot of your story resonating with me. Get to AA man, it’s a support structure. They will call you on your bullshit but they won’t have access to your bank acct while doing so and have all those extra motives. Trauma responses are common and you need help and once if you get into a treatment facility they will sort your financial stuff out - it’s his they get paid so they will do it. His is the one you seek. He is the refuge and I know exactly how corrupt things are out there. But He keeps his promises, blessed are the orphans for God is your father. Mourn, repent repeat. The true Orthodox Church is the church in struggle my guy, it’s real and a lot of it is underground or nigh underground. Those kids are Gods kids and all that stuff udon Gods hands - vengeance is His. It does us no good to deal with those forces. I was in a cult fir ten years. My sister and I were driven to mansions in the middle of nowhere. You had it worse - maybe cuz I can’t remember anything but briefs snapshots. A camera here, and argument there, some smells. The rough skin. You need to talk to someone KZbin used to have msger, get telegram or discord I will talk with you. I talk with others who have experience with the worldly corruption. Thank you for sharing - I will check back and I can leave my discord or telegram info on here. Instagram even. I got an old email too I can drop. You need a support structure who you can talk to I rly believe that, AA or an Orthodox Church. A real Orthodox Church, the works persecutes them like crazy

[@dagoo1462]

This is an incredible story. I have had it bad , but your experiences are truly frightening. I am glad you found prof vaknin . I won't forget what you have shared. Thanks

[@donnamason6522]

I am so gutted by the horror you have endured. I am in awe of your courage and determination. I will never forget your story.I will be rooting for you. You so deserve to have a life worth living. Keep on trucking.

[@sewmuchdufus]

Failure is inevitable. I strive to fail *differently* every time. Thank you for this!

[@donnamason6522]

There is no victory or triumph. There is acceptance of the affliction and respecct for the self that is doing the best we can. There can be improvement, there can be growth, self control, self awareness, self compassion. I have carved out a life worth living for myself. I am a recovering borderline/clusterB. I will always have traits. I look back with horror, deepest regrets and terrible sadness. But I believe I am of value. Before I ws shit to myself. When I looked inside it was a barren wasteland. Not anymore. There is hope. All the best to my fellow soldiers. Thank you Sam. You are an amazing brainbox

[@JNC07]

Thank you Professor.. you change and improve people’s lives daily.

[@sharonmcclintock6727]

SAM! I am sending this to my son, who hasn't spoken to me since a bad argument over a misunderstanding, and he is bipolar 1 and he lost complete control screaming horrific things at me, his Mama ... I KNOW him, and somewhere inside his mind, he feels terrible about having said this things to me. He had an extreme episode, and he is almost 30years old. I want to give him your message, Sam Vatnin. Thank you. Really....❤ You've said it for me. I want my son, my baby, who suffers so badly to know .....that its ok. I DO get it. I KNOW he struggles ALWAYS and I know that he knows his mental illness is forever. I'm just so grateful I have your words for some sort of guidance because in reality there isn't much help tout there to be had. Sadly. THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A "WORDSMITH " AND EDUCATING. ❤

[@HafedAbarkan]

That was very blunt, my tears started to baptize me while I'm listening. I'm trying my best to not hurt people who mean the most to me, almost to the point of cognitive dissonance, or shall I say emotional dissonance. I am using the technic you meantioned once for " addiction" , I jump between self-states by using substance so I can cope with the desire to demolish myself and everyone close to me. You are right, it's not mindless as you said, It's like multiple minds for me; It's like I open my browser and check which account I have to use now. It really sucks, cause I don't feel I belong to any of the personas, and I feel like what you said exactly " personality doesn't exist" . Panta Rhei to nowhere.

[@jreeves6559]

My daughter has a severe and persistent thought disorder. Honestly, she terrifies me. Partly to see the person I knew change, partly because you see how first hand how fragile the mind is and so you worry about your own sanity, the grief of seeing..yes what could have been become something so different, painfully having only a slight sense of how difficult and terrifying it must be to not be able to follow age old advice like "trust your instincts". It is a difficult thing to helplessly watch. She has failed many times yet she is resilient and keeps trying. And there is MUCH to love about her...her beautiful heart, enduring brave spirit, her hope against hope. I love her very much and she is worthy of that love. She feels so very badly when she slips, stops taking her meds and terrorizes.... I see her sorry and shame. I try my best to assure her she has nothing to apologize for and that my love for her is unwavering....even if sometimes my boundaries have to keep us far apart. Mental illness is difficult...too under researched, stigmatized and misunderstood. But you are all worthy of love and no doubt Loved...even if sometimes your loved ones need distance in order to perserve whats left of their own sanity. It is a difficult road. May we all give a bit more grace and compassion. Prof Vaknin, I sincerely owe whatever mental health I have retained in large part to you. Having dealt with many many stressors in my life, my realtionship with my ex (i would bet a clinical covert narc) almost sent my brain over the edge to the point of no return. But I am fighting back from the brink...everyday... and you are a huge part of that. I sincerely hope an pray you are well. You are right to be kind to yourself no matter the shortcomings. You have helped so many and are doing your best and we love and appreciate you for what you do.

[@juliesheard2122]

My daughter too 😢❤

[@noname-pz9kb]

I have completely crumbled yet again. The sense of loss of self, a coherent story, some sort of identity is overwhelming. It’s as if there is nothing left of myself and the scary part is that it’s as if there never was anything. Knowing how much it takes to climb out pf this hole makes me even more tired. I’ve done it many tomes before bit this time I am just so tired. What pains me most is what this does to the people around me who love me. I can’t connect and it’s as if I am pushing them away even though I crave nothing more than to be with them. I don’t even understand it myself. It is so demoralizing not to ne able to reciprocate the love people want to give you. The desperation, the guilt and shame, the self hatred that a part of me clearly loves to perpetrate on myself are crushing. The absolute confusion and the hopelessness, the shortening thought spirals which always end up in the same place. To think that just six months ago things were so different. - I barely remember.And to feel as if they will never be any different from this ever…

[@spinback72]

The system that we are in does not help. It is narcissistic in ways, & actively encourages certain people to become the worst examples of themselves. Sociopathy is praised, & has become a signature of the political system, also. Society becomes more unwell.

[@amberfuchs398]

Hell yes! No one is coming to save us, we have to save ourselves. (It helps to have your guidance allng the way, but we still have to do the work ourselves.)

[@dark_fire_ice]

Thank you. I believe this is necessary to be reminded of, from time to time.

[@Unexpectedperspectivesnow]

So for us who feel that we are this person, with mental issues of variying severity. What hope is there? What to do? Wherever I try to be a better, normal, person I always feel like an actor, a faker, and that people see through it at once.

[@XcXbX]

“It is a cancer of the soul..” 💯 ❤️‍🩹

[@crunchypickles99]

Thank you!!! Your words pierced my broken heart, and I am comforted and encouraged! 🥰💗

[@samannep]

Thank you,so grateful that you don't sugar coat your wisdom.

[@jeannfav2921]

My face started twitching as I'm listening. I heard every word.

[@jf8468]

Magnificent.

[@truckerace1]

That was a Beautiful, truthful, heartfelt, accurate description. Thank you. I feel for you also. Take care.

[@probrickieexclusive]

Given flattery can decieve. Sincerely your work has completely changed my mentality for the better. It's ongoing thank you so much for your work.

[@CeruleanStarrr]

Thank You, Simply Thank You.

[@mstarr8034]

All my gratitude for this honest approach Dr. Vaknin. If people could only see the inner struggles, they would be more accepting and inclusive. The pain of knowing this is permanent and the isolation that ensues after trying to meet expectations and failing is crippling. I agree with fighing back and hoping one day at a time above all, for yourself. So many times the mentally ill are the reason for positive changes in others. There's only one you, uniquely and awesomely created, and only you possess this uniqueness and goodness that the world needs. Let's give our best every day.🌱

[@SisypheanRoller]

This was oddly inspirational. A message of hope laced with a bittersweet acquaintance with the pain of struggling with oneself.

[@daboxer181]

I struggle everyday. Despite me being not happy with my financial situation and where I'm at at this point in my, I really want to wake up happy everyday just to be alive and working and have a roof over my head but I struggled to do that. Some day I have moments and certain periods of time and hours where I feel like I can conquer the world or I feel like I don't care if I have to work two jobs for the rest of my life I'm happy, life is good and I'm grateful..... Then half an hour later it could switch to complete despair and a feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness. I get anxiety, depression. I probably have some type of mental illness or maybe just suffer from depression and anxiety. Maybe bipolar idk.

[@c.brownell8618]

Thank you, Professor Vaknin. This is the most hopeful and honest message I have ever heard.

[@veronicablandon5085]

Thank you professor for sharing this life lessons with us. I love how you teach us , your words are like poems full of knowledge ❤God bless you ❣️

[@MIRNA_LIZ]

Thank you. Beautiful ❤ .

[@mtutuzelinyoka2599]

Thank you, Prof., for your life-changing insights.

[@philliplouie7759]

Wonderful. One of the most beautiful and honest things I've heard on the subject.

[@OperationFoxley19441]

Absolutely brilliant, no one could have said it better, your words change lives. Thank You.

[@stephen227]

Moral support. Generally speaking, unusual. Thank you ❤.

[@fisher5309]

I listen to this withe tears

[@9me9a92]

Thank YOUUUUUUUU

[@LimitlessThinker]

"Despite all odds." You sum it up. Well said! Thank you!♥️

[@Scorpio200]

This is a beautiful message and thank you but mental illness is taxing to deal with as for the healthy and the mentally ill God bless us all and give us strength

[@mariusandreharaldsvik5595]

Thank you ❤

[@dilfuzakhaydarova2859]

Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin ❤.

[@coldcoffeesandcheesecakes]

Thank you professor. Needed to hear this.

[@FionaTh-z5n]

Thank you Professor. You are genuinely saving lives everyday :)

[@joanmyron]

Thank you professor! ❤ I'm really glad a friend shared one of your video on Facebook.

[@dan.franco]

Thank you Professor Vaknin. You are the best. (I'm idealizing you, of course!) haha thank you!

[@cassandraharada3331]

Thank you.

[@UnniTorkildsen-n8t]

Very instructive.Now I understand other members of my family better. Love from Norway❤

[@theloveflows8773]

Thank you Sam. ❤

[@margohoover1641]

Finally, A decent damn video about the truth.

[@rabinraj15]

Exellent Professor! Beautifully summarised! 👌🏽 Thank you very much , God bless 🙏🏽 🫡

[@gins8781]

This is an insightful talk.

[@jbsparks3922]

Thank you

[@dzeko4896]

Let me do it right! It's Prof. Sam Vaknin. Former Visiting Professor of Psychology in Southern Federal University, Rostov-on-Don, Russia. Faculty member, CIAPS (UK, Canada, Nigeria). Former economic advisor to governments, multinationals. Founder Healthcare Committee, Macedonia. Collaborated with IMF, WB, WHO. Columnist, editor. Also the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and a host of other books about personality disorders. And one and only, our favourite KZbinr!

[@sallywillis1448]

Brilliant! Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin.

[@brianswinbourne3283]

I really needed to hear this today. Thank you

[@raedminur3980]

Dr.Sam dear which one are you the one who says mentally ill people shouldn't work marry have children or even be in touch with society or the one who have compassion for them or are you both?

[@samvaknin]

Both.

[@JoeVellaMalta]

Beautiful. Truth

[@donner-balken4249]

Thank you!!

[@riseup..7781]

Does this message apply to a narcissist who knows what he's done to you and still tears you apart with th greatest of pleasure?

[@fortniteflex9471]

This is a bad faith flight from responsibility that doesn’t hold up under close scrutiny. Vaknin denies his own free will and imposes his ridiculousness into the desperate and confused masses of people searching for answers about the condition of themselves of their loved ones. He, like any narcissist, is loathe to accept responsibility for who he is, what he does, and how he affects others. Believing him would have you believe that people are fundamentally not free agents, and therefore not responsible for their actions. Human interaction literally doesn’t make sense without free will as a core component, which is part of why narcissists have such difficulty understanding the world. Narcissism is almost untreatable, most people diagnosed with NPD will die meeting the diagnostic criteria. A very small minority do manage to heal to a point of symptom remission and inferior but functional vocational and social ability. Vaknin knows he’s capable of change but would rather not because it’s horribly difficult.

[@SisypheanRoller]

What a straw man critique of his message. Do you believe a child is exercising free will? Do you believe an adult is freer to exert their will than the child and thus more accountable? If you're like most people, you will say yes to both. Now my question is this. What exactly do you think is the difference in their brains?