Modern Romance Interview | Dr. John & Julie Gottman | Talks at Google

Marriage experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman discuss how to make a marriage work and common misconceptions about relationships. They'll also cover what they found in their research with homosexual couples, how to build trust, and why you should keep your standards high. Part of our series of Talks at Google on Modern Romance.
Moderated by Googler Logan Ury.
World renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. His work on marriage and parenting has earned him numerous major awards. Dr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author or co-author of 40 books.
Julie is the co-founder and President of The Gottman Institute, and Clinical Supervisor for the Couples Together Against Violence study. A highly respected clinical psychologist, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues.

[@ivye.3699]

The Gottmans are so generous with one another. Generosity is key to successful relationships

[@sagara4e]

Don't know why all this hate towards the wife. She has also did research and she's smart! The fact that their marriage is working is a proof that they are both applying the principles ;)

[@matildasinani8527]

sagara4e ih0ui

[@jameshendrickson4845]

@Munitić Ahmed Shes an old school feminist. She doesn't believe in traditional gender roles.

[@1995yuda]

@@shantaljovia2400 Man, shut up with your post modern faitytales

[@j.3069]

@@shantaljovia2400 unhappy married ones. Happily married ones get older and are healthier.

[@susydyson1750]

@@shantaljovia2400 finally a reply that made sense! an extraordinary very respectfully talk and marvellous conversations. !

[@wasode20]

Julie Gottman is a master educator, huge respect.

[@WithBACON]

This is wonderful--thank you for posting this.

[@Trinifood]

This is thoroughly good. I learned so, so much.

[@onedirectionlover317]

Thank you for talking about the toxic side of arranged marriages and societal pressure, Julie! Of course at the end it mostly comes down to the abused partner's family and how supportive they are in someone LEAVING an abusive arranged marriage, but I am deeply cynical of much of society and the extent to which they would condemn someone who left an abusive arranged marriage (coming from one such culture / society, where they can make hell the lives of family members of a couple in a steady inter-religious marriage! I am super glad I am not at the mercy of such a society).

[@thevanman4498]

Well said by John, have high expectations in a partner. Maybe that is why rebounds don’t work as our self esteem has taken a hit.

[@MsKTMvalley]

Thank you

[@michellel5444]

I think Perel was taken out of context here imho. What i take from her work is that the need for love and safety in relationship vs eros and excitement can both be satisfied if you realize the normalcy bias we adopt in longterm relationships can make us lazy in our curiosity of one another.

[@choosingwisely]

Wow! So much misogyny here! I'm surprised you haters are even watching the Gottmans at all. That hate is probably why your relationships are failing. And research shows that porn predicts relationship failure by the way, Ed deSa.

[@darinaangelova2882]

Exactly.

[@gordo6908]

if anyone is having trouble finding the name of the fella from university of north carolina, its don baucom

[@valayaadal]

the guest and speaker volumes are really low :(

[@JoeM370]

This material acts as a portal to new ideas. A book I read with akin topics was instrumental in my development. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[@agneymenon5037]

16:40 The speaker says percentage of women having affairs have gone up in the last so and so years. She explains this is because in 50s and 60s women just used to interact with other women but now that women are in workforce they have more access. So who did all the men in 50s and 60s have affairs with? Were they all just gay/bisexual men?

[@nancyhynes804]

Audio problem here

[@MrNirom1]

So what happens when the spouse accuses the other of having an affair... when there was no affair? How easy is it to then also be accused of lying when the person is not lying?

[@vanshikathakur]

❤️

[@marilynblum7324]

How does this work for ADHD

[@onthehill3381]

My husband and I had a Gottman trained therapist. My husband contracted herpes from his affair partner and put me at risk. Our therapist responded by saying that “herpes is not a big deal these days”. Some things ARE contemptible and warrant criticism. How was I supposed to react? Yay! I would LOVE to experience oozing, festering, burning blisters on my genitalia! No problem! I love how a writer at Psychology Today called the four horsemen the “four high horseman”.

[@darinaangelova2882]

I am so sorry for what happened to you. Infidelity is one thing, but a STD?! That's just disgusting. It is a criminal offense exposing someone to STD and endangering their health! I hope you moved on to something much better.

[@tinalouise2203]

this is going to sound bad, but... a huuuuge percent of the population has herpes and has no idea. check out the "adam ruins everything" about herpes. like seriously, herpes is insanely common and is usually harmless.

[@dqzj565]

You should probably start by properly educating yourself on the virus rather than fuel the stigma, don't be ignorant. The infidelity will likely ruin more than a skin rash. Ester perel has great insight on infidelity too!! Good luck

[@sussannekeith5676]

Send him packing..... and be happy.... not worth your life’s energy.

[@onthehill3381]

@@dqzj565 I have more info on it now but nonetheless, it was a really unprofessional, insensitive way to segue into the topic given the circumstances. It’s not like I was being willfully ignorant. When you have been married 20 years and believe you have love and trust in your marriage, herpes is not on your radar.

[@kikischreiber8937]

To

[@amannvig]

@0:09 This "Behavioral Researcher" has no clue how to introduce two folks without the comparative frame

[@cindistefanowich]

I respect both of these Drs. I think their work is great. I think they just shadowed how great they truly are by bashing a fellow Dr. I find Ester to be great in her own way and own style. Its distasteful and very unprofessional to take a fellow Dr. mention her name (which gives ppl a place to look for her btw) at an interview about you and your thoughts. Contempt much? Criticism much? I'm totally turned off and wondering if they truly practice what they preach so to say.

[@dakotataylor4696]

Cyndi Stefani well contempt and criticism are normal it's the frequency in which you see them.

[@nenabc8121]

He only mentioned the person by name because the host mentioned the title of the woman's book.

[@NicoleHurka]

Just because the interviewer mentioned a book didn't mean he had to go on a rant about Esther specifically. No need to defend him, he clearly thought what he had to say was of importance. There's nothing wrong with a good critique; the main problem with what he said is that it was way off base (seemed like a straw man attack). Either he isn't very familiar with her work, doesn't understand it (which I doubt because he appears to be intelligent), or has some kind of vendetta against her & was basically trash talking. It was in very poor taste & made him look bad (as is the case any time we gossip). I know he's just as fallible as any other human but he lost a little credibility in my eyes as a result of his comments.

[@JonnyBlack18]

His academic critique was perfectly reasonable. Nothing wrong with saying that he disagrees with her ideas.

[@sussannekeith5676]

She says couples should never cuddle???? Ok. Ester is French,... they are ok with most bad stuff in relationships.

[@adavid2548]

Nearly everything they reccomend is against the nature of an ADHDer's brain. :(

[@austinnguyen9107]

What do u mean?

[@billyrowe0064]

Can anyone tell me all the parts of the video where John speaks? I don't care to listen to his wife. She has no credit with researching relationships.

[@ihroch]

Just finished listening to the talk and I highly recommend you give her a chance(; Among other much more interesting things you might even find out she has pretty extensive credits with researching relationships(;

[@darinaangelova2882]

Apparently neither do you.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

What evidence do you have that she has no credit in researching relationships?

[@sussannekeith5676]

Then learn nothing if that works.

[@Tania-rg7jp]

You are right, she just inspired 80% of his research because he’s not just looking at it in a test tube study but they are MUTUALLY trained therapists and they MUTUALLY test and build the system. Do not confuse a helpmate as a dead weight. Alot of men would not have businesses if it weren’t for wives inspiring the work.