Muslims, Marriage and Lots and Lots of Children! TMC || E.8 with Mu'awiyyah Tucker

Mind-blowing conversation with Br Mu'awiyyah about everything from the true purpose of marriage to why Muslims should be having lots and lots of children - don't miss part one of this convo!
Follow Br Mu'awiyyah Tucker on Instagram: / muaawiyahtucker
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[@Asmarehmane]

Marriage, you're building but a relationship is just enjoyment. This is just beautiful.

[@muaawiyahtucker]

If anyone has anything to ask, object to or comment on about what I said here feel free to say it here, I’ll try my best to reply if need be. Or I’ll ignore it totally lol 😂

[@muaawiyahtucker]

@@shabzahmedshabzahmed1046 what are you referring to?

[@Asmarehmane]

I would say that there are some people who are not marriage material, if you have some kind of addiction or if you are abusive.

[@Reem-ne7nn]

You mentioned that not having good character is not a deal breaker. Can you elaborate on that?

[@muaawiyahtucker]

@@Asmarehmane or even a woman who excessively moans a lot, especially about her husband or her life. But in the same breath, everyone can change, both for the good and the bad.

[@muaawiyahtucker]

@@Reem-ne7nn ie nobody is perfect and sometimes you take what you get rather than take nothing

[@buyop9441]

This came up on my home page so I decided to listen. I appreciate that for many Muslims, especially women, marriage is an overarching concern. However, it would be nice to hear about different aspects of life challenges, not just marriage. I was married for a long time but had to seek khula. I put it off for 10 years and really wanted my marriage to work putting up with humiliation, psychological abuse, physical abuse (lesser than the psychological), and verbal abuse from in-laws etc. I’m going to be really honest, alhamdu’lillaah, I also got married as a virgin (he wasn’t - in fact I later found it he’d been promiscuous) which was really upsetting. Of course he’d lied about ex partners etc. The man was and IS a narcissist; took me YEARS to figure it out. Not clinically diagnosed as he will not go to get the help, but clear to one who understands the disorder. I knew his childhood messed him up and asked him to get therapy, not disclose any of it to me, but just please come back a better person. I wanted to support him as that would help the family. Of course, he didn’t do that. He constantly made me feel bad about myself, put me down, belittled me and my achievements etc. He smeared me to my own family, my friends, my own children via lies and manipulation. My reactions he would tell my family, were because I was the crazy/abusive one etc. His own mother said to him (I wasn’t there) that I should be punched - charming! Why? Because on ONE occasion, I stood up to her and her family bullying me. I stayed nearly 20 years for the children and because I didn’t want to have to sleep with another man - sad my thinking was back then but I’m sure a concern for many women in the same situation. When I finally made the decision to get khula because he’d also started lying to the children, and they were witnessing the way I was being treated, I went to an Islamic court because I needed the guidance and to be sure I wasn’t applying for khula for a futile reason. The court immediately asked the man to let me go which she of course he refused but alhamdu’lillaah, I got it in the end after a year. Post khula, his behaviour got worse. The mistakes I made in the marriage were reacting, but he would DRIVE me to those reactions. In other words, he wouldn’t stop until I reacted and then he’d feel satisfied. Anyway, the reason for this long explanation is to make it obvious and clear, getting a khula was not a ‘fad’ or because I’d outgrown him. It’s because the marriage was toxic, it was damaging my mental and physical health and my kids were witnessing the manipulation, gaslighting, lying etc. So long and short, I’m currently single and I’m not remarried. Why? Because I’m trying to heal etc. So I’m now the one, on the daily struggle, worrying about a lot of things. It’s not easy but alhamdu’lillaah, I know I made the right decision as Allaah subhaana wa ta’ala showed me the ex’s true face and character once I left him. The children do see him by the way although he lied to people about that, making out I was preventing them from seeing him which was totally untrue. ANYWAY, rather than going on and on about marriage and talking about people who you two make it seem leave marriages for frankly trivial reasons, I would like to see more support for sisters WHO HAVE HAD TO LEAVE because they suffered in the marriage. I’m sorry, but even today, women who choose to leave EVEN WITH VERY GOOD REASON are left by the wayside. It takes a village to raise a child. The community (ies) should focus on supporting these women and their children to become their village.

[@buyop9441]

@The Legend of Mikaal Your reasons for your comment are....?

[@buyop9441]

@The Legend of Mikaal Aah, you’re one of those, a troll! Poor you! Life must be really boring and not much going on for you.

[@Khadijah_time]

@OJ First, no one knows if her father is alive or is welcome to having her. The sister does NOT have to remarry if she does not wish. She has rights to her body and life. She explained that she was abused mentally/emotionally and physically for 20 years. Healing is important for her mental well-being and would not be fair for a new husband to contend with. There are lots of details, everything is not always black & white.

[@Khadijah_time]

@OJ That would depend on his age at her birth, his health status, and the fact that it’s been 20 years that has since passed…

[@Khadijah_time]

@OJ Deleting your comment that I replied too and saying not interested, yeah okay 🥴

[@aishatgambari8792]

Hmmmn...I don't know about this idea that character doesn't matter. Yes, people can stay together and make a marriage work but that doesn't mean they are in a HEALTHY relationship or creating a healthy environment for their children. MashaAllah, the brother dropped a lot of gems, but good character IS a non-negotiable. And of course my point is not about rejecting someone because they have a few character flaws or annoying habits (no one is perfect), it's about not accepting marriage to a toxic person who has major red flag issues because you want to get off the market, and then "coping" with the lying, cheating, abuse, etc. for the rest of one's life...Also, is the person even trying to improve themselves or are they fine being stingy, you know? Peace of mind should be a non negotiable and I feel like there are some "one or two things" that are standard reasons to run for the hills, but maybe that's just me.

[@abrotheronline9555]

32:01 ..... what a great analogy, SubhanAllah. May Allah bless you both. Ameen

[@suadahmed3423]

Maa sha Allah. Great episode and really learned a lot. One thing I do disagree with is kids being number one reason for marriage. I do understand the emphasis and importance of procreation however to highlight it’s the number one reason for marriage, I am not so sure. Perhaps second?? Not everyone is blessed with children, so what happens to the marriage if that’s the case. Looking forward to the next part in sha Allah.

[@LugarLatore]

It’s definitely the main reason, the people that can’t have kids don’t know that before they get married do they ?

[@suadahmed3423]

@@LugarLatore so if they can’t then what will be the main foundation of the marriage?

[@LugarLatore]

@@suadahmed3423 staying out of zina. You can always adopt as well there are more than enough orphans in this world.

[@suadahmed3423]

@@LugarLatore but is that not the initial reason for marriage. Allāh’s Messenger (salallāhu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: “O Youth! Those of you who can support a wife should marry, for marriage controls the gaze and protects the private parts from lewd acts. And if one is unable to marry, he should fast for it is a shield.” Hadeeth is agreed upon by Bukhāri (1905) and Muslim (1400). That’s why I question the main reason being children. I am not diminishing the significance of having children. However to say it is THE number 1 reason for marriage is where I don’t agree. Allaahu ‘alam.

[@muaawiyahtucker]

“Number one reason” ≠ “The only reason” I hope this helps. Also, ‘reasons’ are relative. The Sharee’ah can have ‘reasons’, you can have your own ‘reasons’, your parents can have their ‘reasons for getting your married’, society can have its ‘reasons’. I am talking about the main over arching reason for the Ummah and your deen. If you call one individual to islam that’s better for you than a red camel, but imaging raising 10 human beings from birth to adulthood to be good contributing Muslims…?! And the Islamic reason trumps your personal ones. If you lose a reason to stay in a marriage, islam gives you other reasons to make it work

[@Jenone83]

I know who he is his name is Sam Vaknin. He was diagnosed narcissist and yes his wife is still with him till date.

[@shabzahmedshabzahmed1046]

All Muslims are the same. The believer is a mirror to his brother . if you don't. treat women well maybe you're just not a believer.

[@OwnGrid]

Redpill is not an ideology. It's just studies, and more like tools to be used just like psychology is that an ideology ?

[@buyop9441]

A very blasé attitude towards real narcissism. Narcissists (true ones) want to destroy their partner and have them under their control. People need to ask themselves why victims of narcissists are the ones who end up in therapy and not the narcissist. Narcissists just carry in as of nothing has happened. That aside, narcissism (real narcissism) is a personality disorder. If someone has a personality disorder, they are not mentally well or healthy. It is also rooted in childhood and adolescence. A 30 year old man you’ve been married to for a while is not suddenly going to become a narcissist because of your reactions to him. He was a narcissist to begin with!

[@muaawiyahtucker]

What I find interesting is how we always hear of X man being a narcissist and I’ve never heard a man call his wife/ex-wife one. Anyway, thanks for your input

[@buyop9441]

@@muaawiyahtucker Really? Mine called me that and worse. I have the paperwork to prove it - long story! What I find strange is how the demonic behaviour of many a man is overlooked. If the ills of brothers were called out more frequently, we would have a VERY different community! Many people thought my ex was a pillar of the community type etc., not ever being privy to the real him behind closed doors. He would backbite brothers he was envious of and he would backbite the duaat, probably because he wanted their ‘status’ in the community. This is classic of a narcissist although that alone does not make them one. Yet when he’d see the brothers, it’d be all smiles and graces. The trait of being underhanded is one many would mainly attribute to women. But men can also be incredibly underhanded, even more so than women. As you deal with such issues, it’d be prudent to understand the real nature and methods of brothers who seek to destroy their wives. Alhamdu’lillaah, I know Naima is aware of it as she has heard about many of the issues that culminate from people with that disorder. If you read my comment, you will see that until the end, I used the term narcissist in a gender neutral fashion. Many women too are narcissists and many a narcissistic man was raised by a narcissistic mother (sometimes father too or mother and father). Lastly, many women do label their partners narcissists when the partner may be an out and out abuser. Narcissists can be abusers too but not all abusers are narcissists. Mine was a narcissist and an abuser. His family were also abusive to each other, their spouses and worse than that. Sometimes, the whole family are toxic stemming from the toxicity they grew up in. Allaah save us.

[@muaawiyahtucker]

@@buyop9441 ok 👍