My Detransition: Half a year later

[@melt2716]

7:34 "After all this, I wasn't looking to live life as a girl. I was trying to distance myself from my own twisted image of the male gender role while at the same time idealizing women, just so I could live as myself for once." DUDE, SAME! It feels good to not be alone here.

[@CryptoMafia]

Mel T. There is nothing wrong with being a male, there is no such things as gender roles, boys and girls are different, anyone with kids will tell you, baby boys and baby girls act differently

[@Dank_Engine]

Same. I feel like you read my diary man.

[@CryptoMafia]

adolf512 your lucky if u die a virgin

[@NotAnotherKuromi]

​@@CryptoMafia There are stereotypical gender roles & these differ from country to country. For some people they don't fit the stereotype of their sex, so some people (including adults around them) think they have to change. Ever since I was a baby girl I acted more like a stereotypical boy, at school this lead to other girls being mean & judgemental, things only got worse when I got into my teenage years when it turned into outright bullying. All but one of my friends were boys & men always treated me better, we had/have more in common. I can see how other people may question their gender or think it would be easier if I just changed my gender so. If society viewed me as male my life would be easier, because of other peoples narrow minded views about gender, but I do not feel male & never have, I just feel like a unique woman.

[@nickj5451]

Yep, same for me too!

[@selmahendrickson6356]

I have a fair amount of regrets about my transition and the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that I might have been able to live with my dysphoria without transitioning. At 14 years old I desperately wanted to escape myself, because I hated myself and blaming it on my gender was a lot easier than facing my inner demons. Your video is incredibly poignant to me; you said you may have been overly romantic or living a fantasy. You've been through so much and for that I feel love for you.

[@r-platt]

Doubt is understandable. But if you're anything like me, be extremely glad you transitioned. I waited and it wrecked my career (dysphoria constantly distracts me), ruined my first marriage and turned my 2nd marriage into loving roommates without benefits. And it crushed me, doing unimaginable damage to me again and again until, well, I should have been hospitalized. I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't given up on transitioning 20+ years ago. I've wasted years in time and energy regretting that I never said anything to my parents years before that. I pray your life is easier than mine because dysphoria dragged me through hell most of my life and left me circling the drain of the deepest pit in hell before I could take it no more.

[@kellyedey549]

I never had any doubt and 28 years post op.

[@mikecarter4061]

@@kellyedey549 I'm almost 50 and start on hrt in a few days and can't wait!!!

[@marinazanon9446]

@@r-platt how you feel about yourself affects the people around you and your spouse. It is not just about how you look or social expectations. I wish you find peace in your heart.

[@jayjaytetley9289]

You're incredibly self aware, took me many years to acknowledge this exact thing, not only transitioning but the people I've lost in life. I'm glad you are able to accept and find yourself before it's too late. I have so many regrets in life, at 30 I'm optimistic I can change myself, but there's so much time lost

[@zmongi1]

Only a minute in, but really great production value for a low-sub channel. Really impressive.

[@DylanFergusC]

It is so freeing to reach the point where you stop caring. This editing is really beautiful, thank you so much for the video.

[@altnarrative]

I also love that you recognised that there can be a superficiality to it all. I have noticed the same with a fair few trans m2f... they have a shallow concept of what femininity and womanhood is. A very honest documentary.

[@RentingSpam]

Damn, I can relate to this narrative so freaking much! Especially in the sense of over-glorifying what it means to be a woman and feeling like I had to be this certain image of a man to fit into that role when I never really could. I too also just identify as myself now. Sure, I may not be overly masculine, but I have some characteristics and I'm probably more in the middle. Honestly, if one really wanted to try and define me, maybe I'm just more of a man that's in touch with their eccentric and feminine side. And that's okay.

[@guppy1776]

This is such a beautiful video :) the things you say about using transition to justify expressing yourself, but in the end feeling even more anxious and constricted really resonated with me. I used to identify as a trans man, and when I transitioned I switched the painful stereotypes put on women for the stereotypes put on men. Realizing I didn't have to change my body to be myself was one of the most liberating things in the world. I still struggle with dysphoria at times, but at least now I know it's society that has it wrong, not my body. Thanks for sharing your story

[@Chipflake]

These videos are super interesting, thank you for making them

[@Vran4743]

Hey, what has brought you here?

[@prevarikator]

I'm happy you've found a better and more authentic place in your life. You discovered the priceless gift of "simply being".

[@merncat75]

This video is giving me a little bit of hope. I've been struggling in so many ways.. one of the hardest things is that I went from having financial stability (I was far from rich) but I was able to live without fear of how I was going to survive and now I'm on the verge of homelessness, petrified of tomorrow. I can only hope that things will be better a year from now but so far, as time goes on, things are getting much worse 😖 I'm glad that your life is improving and you are able to not only breathe but actually enjoy yourself!! 💕

[@anomietoponymie2140]

That was really beautiful. I’m glad you’re feeling comfortable in your own skin and that you realize you don’t have to conform to gender roles.

[@plasmktan]

As someone who has been questioning their gender recently. This video really helped me to take a step back and focus that whatever the result may be I'll still be me. We as a society need to be less focused on defining ourselves by our gender and defining ourselves by who we are. Thank you so much for making this video ❤️

[@taalatchouf5427]

He was just ashamed of not being macho enough that's why he transitioned. He thinks that not adhering strictly to an alpha male stereotypical behavior means he's not a man anymore. Same. That's how I feel and I truly feel him. I hope he's doing great now and an amazing video btw!!!!

[@avajade7323]

I can really relate to this I’m starting to de-transition

[@janej1696]

Please try to be considerate like this person and not blame doctors or community or mental health for your decision to transition in first place. I think there should be support for these cases, but the few that turn and blame everyone else for what was ultimately and undebateably their decision alone. Please stand up and take accountability for that decision yourself and don't hurt those for whom transition was and is the only medical solution and for whom it was meant for, and their lives wouldn't otherwise be possible, ok? I hope you find peace in your decision, I mean that.

[@adulthumanfemale8666]

@@janej1696 I blame tumblr and other social media websites that fuels the sense of dysphoria and confuse young people to the point they take extremely drastic actions to escape their pain.

[@mikecarter4061]

@@adulthumanfemale8666 trans people have existed as long as humans....dont blame social media.

[@adacox]

@@janej1696 .... this is the fault of society and the sicko "professionals" affirming sick minds.

[@Isaura21s]

You should share your story

[@PlebeianFemale]

I experienced something extremely similar in high school, and into college. For three years I tried to transition to male. I had a twisted view of what a woman is supposed to be because of this immense pressure put on me by my mother to conform. I didn’t get along with most girls, they were all catty, back-stabbing, and boring to me. Meanwhile, boys played video games, boys watched cool TV, boys formed such close bonds with each other, boys didn’t gossip and lie about each other. Boys were stronger, smarter, more athletic, more capable. Boy style was better, more comfortable, and attracted less unwanted attention. Boys got compliments about their abilities, not their pretty hair. I thought I NEEDED to be a man. And now, a married woman with two beautiful children, I realize how much I almost destroyed my future because of my depressive thoughts. I’m researching detransitioning, the harmful affects of taking hormones, and other stuff to try and help a friend. I know him very well and love him very much. I see so much of myself in his choices. Maybe he’s actually trans, I can’t know 100%. But if I can help him be fully informed, educated on the matter. If I can ensure that he has a healthy image in his head of what being a man can be, that’d be amazing. I will share your videos with him, I feel like he needs to reconcile with the abuse and expectations in his past caused by the males in his life. He should be comfortable with the fact that he has some feminine traits, and he is in touch with his emotions. And that’s OKAY. That’s MORE than okay, that’s the makings of an amazing man.

[@kuromaru9661]

Extremely beautiful and insightful video (as always). Great philosophical value. I think many people face an identity crisis, mostly gender-unrelated. Hope they can take away a thing or two from this, just like me. Thanks for this video.

[@munchia-]

I'm a women, but I've always been a tomboy. I was never a girly girl and I was fine with that growing up, but hitting those awkward teenage years was definitely the point where I questioned whether I should be more girly, but I didn't. At the end of the day I'm me! I'd say it takes some people a bit longer to accept themselves for who they are than some. Who would of thought for some people it boils down to being more of a societal issue for them. I'm glad I didn't conform to what was expected of me as a woman.

[@robertmchenry5274]

Thank you for your thoughtful exploration of being-ness. for years, I have pondered the fact that we as human beings are made up of both male and female aspects and as such we express or have the ability to express all of these aspects... compassion, assertion, tenderness, aggression, introspection, extroversion... that everything is in us and has the potential to be explored. Funny, I found my greatest strength from my feminine aspects or the desire to care/protect others... this is when my patience, endurance, toughness, all come to the surface. the problem is not with us... it is with the narrow and limiting gender roles. Again thank you.

[@Celtic_Nutter]

You're cinematography is incredibly beautiful. Keep it up.

[@laneatkinson6441]

Thank you for making this video. While your journey led you to find out you weren't trans and will help others come to the same realization, you helped me to further solidify my identity.

[@martinrei3213]

I'm delighted to hear about it! I've been secretly hoping these videos would achieve the opposite effect as they did to me, on other people as well. I hope all goes well and wish you the best on your journey :)

[@laneatkinson6441]

@@martinrei3213 Thank you so much. I'm so glad you found your true self!

[@emishiba]

this video is so well made and really made me think about my own gender expression with a new perspective. thank you so much for sharing your journey so far, and I wish you the best of luck in everything you do ❤️

[@martinrei3213]

Thanks meggg! I'm glad to hear about it :)

[@cmmndrblu]

The realisation you don't have to conform to gender stereotypes in order to be the best version of yourself is no joke. It's a powerful thing. This is why I have always thought of transition as impossible unless we had the technology which could completely transform someone at the cellular level. Being a man or being a woman isn't about being macho or being feminine, it's simply the description of someone of that sex. Being socially confined to particular behaviours seems like hell to me, and I'm very glad places like Holland exist where people aren't obsessed with forcing people to fit a model. For example, let's say there is a person born female who decides they want to live socially as a man. Well what's wrong with me thinking that that is exactly what that person is? Sure I may treat them with their pronouns etc, but I would also just treat them as an individual. But that doesn't mean that their physical sex doesn't exist and that they are the other sex. To me there's nothing wrong with them living as the opposite sex but I can't do anything but laugh at the idea that they "truly" are the opposite sex, because it simply isn't true, and also because it doesn't matter. A masculinised female is still female, and a feminised male is still male, and an intersex person is intersex. Why don't we broaden our acceptance of these facts?

[@sam_lost_boy]

Heya, I am transgender and live in Holland. Trust me, it's really not very different here for trans people than it is elsewhere.

[@laneatkinson6441]

Well the thing is...I was a "girl" who felt there was something missing between my legs. That my breasts did not belong to me. That my head seemed to be stuck on the wrong body. I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror because my body was so disconnected from my inner self. It's not just masculinity at that point. I really wish I could have just been a tomboy, but I am not. I am trans and every day I am constantly reminded that my body is wrong. Not that I think I'm ugly...not that I think I'm fat...but because I look like a woman but I am a man inside.

[@leonardwidderich8875]

Thank you so much for this Video!! I've waited nearly a half year for it and i'm feeling much better now. I was always really scared when i saw People wich are detransitioned. But i know now why you did it and i know that i'm happy as a Transman. Thank you so much!!

[@martinrei3213]

Leonard Mattes I'm happy you can embrace yourself the way you are now! It's key to a good and mentally healthy life. I wish you good luck - Stay true to yourself :)

[@tishratcliff9601]

I think you’ve beautifully, and very personally, presented some profound insight on emotional issues that affect every human being. Regardless of how our feelings of otherness, separateness, or alienation manifest, the questions we all ask at some point in our lives is, “Why is it not OK just to be me? Why is being me not good enough? Why is being me not acceptable?” In the end, I’ve decided for myself that these questions arise from external and societal judgment, and if I’m going to be judged, I would rather be judged harshly for who I authentically am, than to be praised for presenting a false version of myself for the sole reason of making other people comfortable in order to avoid censure and rejection.

[@Perzikyoghurt]

Awesome video: great scenery and a good message. I wish you much happiness.

[@L_Martin]

A very beautiful video. I love your artistic eye & the pairing of certain shots with the narration. You are a poetic person.

[@nickj5451]

Martin... ... I feel exactly like you do. Obviously we're different and have different experiences, and also I may have a bit of a different take on certain of these things since detransitioning five years ago, but I don't think there's anything you described about your inner experience that I couldn't say about myself. Thanks for sharing these. Looks like you live in an absolutely beautiful place, by the way!

[@danny6356]

I can't think of any valid reason why anyone should dislike this.

[@11992mjn]

Your voice is so good to me. You are a very beautiful person. Aesthetically and personality wise. I can tell your inner beauty from your editing. The shots and images you chose to splice your video up with are Intensely gorgeous. I really enjoy your content

[@anatess07]

I love your video message. It gave me comfort. I have a friend whose daughter transitioned to male and we talked about it before her daughter went through with it. I told her I don’t think transitioning is going to help. I think what she needs is to work on acceptance - I’m a biological woman who feels like a man and I’m fine with that. She got super upset and think I’m a hater. We don’t talk much anymore because I try to understand it but I just don’t get it and it’s not enough that I care a lot about her and her son, I have to also get it, otherwise I’m a hater. So yea, I feel like your video is telling me, it’s ok if I don’t get it because you’re also just trying to figure it all out and you don’t really care that I don’t get it, you’re not gonna allow me to hurt you with my failure to understand.

[@khadijagwen]

I was born male, but XXY, AIS and other things so I transitioned and have lived as a female for 15 years. I love living as a woman, but wonder if my family would come back if I returned to male? The whole Transgender culture was greatly mismanaged.

[@laneatkinson6441]

Most people I've known with XXY chromosomes identify as women. If you feel you are supposed to be a woman, then you probably are a woman! :) Don't let your family hold you back, they should want you to be happy!

[@UpsideDown853]

Family is always a tough one, because we are invested in the relationships. This is something I might have to face one day, and I know my father and brother would have difficulties. The rest of the family would probably be fine with it eventually. Still, I think sacrificing yourself to be accepted after you took that step seems like a regression IF you enjoy life as a woman.The way I see it is either they love you for who you are, or they don't really care about you as a person other than the role they expected you to fill. You've probably grown, and you put yourself out there, so stay strong and beautiful no matter the haters ;)

[@janej1696]

That was my situation as well so I feel for you, society needs to understand that this is not a affliction we "choose" and wither we choose to change out gender presentation or stay with whatever parents choose or even go back and forth with detransition... With proper understanding society as a whole should give us the space, respect, and consideration to cope with a terrible fate as we need.

[@notknown7705]

Any family who would come back to you because you detransitioned is NOT family.

[@annabelgrace1267]

@@laneatkinson6441 They are not women. They were still born with a penis.

[@PixelBytesPixelArtist]

I'm glad you made this video. being trans sucks, but it sucks more if you aren't going in the right direction. I think more people need to know to think about transitioning differently. it would help the trans community at large if people were transitioned into what they needed and not what they thought 5 years ago was best. There has been much shuffling around in the community because many people only transitioned as an impulse to the environment. I hope there will be a day that people are well educated on transitioning because it's really sad to see detransitioning because it can mess up your body and life, and it's frustrating to see transphobic people misunderstand our intentions.

[@teergeret]

Education on transition would hopefully include making people aware that it's not necessarily a once in a lifetime decision and that detransitioning can in fact be done and is not a problem at all. Gender roles are dumb, but it's even dumber to assume that if you can change once, you're not allowed to do it twice. Honestly, people should just do whatever the fuck they want and be whoever they want as long as it's about themselves.

[@stephenleblanc4677]

I really appreciate you posting this video and telling us about your journey. Should you ever want to share more, I think there will be an appreciative audience.

[@apollicino1705]

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this...newly out as nonbinary/agender myself, not many people understand how I feel...good to hear other peoples journey of trying to unpack their feelings on gender while also grappling with other people's reactions, perceptions, and expectations of how you should feel or what you mean. Best of luck.

[@jayfawn8478]

The editing and cinematography were really impressive.

[@jamesrobiscoe1174]

A welcome and reasonable description of your path of experience. I do wonder, though, what substance there is supporting the value is of "living up to your own desires". Desires are fickle and wayward.

[@sarahalicia3951]

ganz,ganz tolles Video! Ich beschäftige mich seit Jahren mit den Thema und dein Beitrag ist herausragend. Sehr reflektiert und wirklich auch mit einem hohen Maß an Fingerspitzengefühl zusammengestellt. Du findest eine sehr schöne Bildsprache und verstehst es, dich in wenigen Minuten so gekonnt darzustellen, dass Dinge wie dein alter oder dein Geschlecht wirklich völlig unwichtig und oberflächlich erscheinen. So können sich nur sehr wenige Menschen mitteilen und dem geht ein hohes Maß an Lebenserfahrung, Reife und Erkenntinss voran. Du bist ein außergewöhnlicher Mensch, egal was du mit deiner Hülle anzustellen gedenkst. Ich wünsch dir viel Glück auf deinen Reisen

[@treehugger7916]

Thank you for this. You are really brave and insightful. This gave me so much hope for the future! Also, the place you live is beautiful!

[@nicojensen8932]

I like this Video you're Telling your story in a very sympathic and relaxed way:) People might think you were too anxious to Transition but"just identifying as yourself" is beautiful :)

[@jacarandadancer]

Thank you Martin, this is a thoughtful and considered reflection that really needs to be viewed widely.

[@CosmoPodcast]

One of the best videos I've seen on KZbin so far! Thanks for posting it, I feel very related with it.

[@ChimaeraPwns]

great you found your way ❤️ dysphoria seems to have many reasons. for me as a trans woman its more about my body, about me since early childhood, not so much about society. so i would never turn back.. but I understand detransitioners and its nothing to be ashamed of. one question though: do you think you would have felt the urge to detransition if you'd have had a very good to perfect passing?

[@localfox1000]

very introspective and deep insight. Nice work and thank you for sharing it.

[@altnarrative]

Beautifully edited and shot and your personality shines through. Wow. You need more views on this.

[@LACKP]

Thank you very much for sharing. This is just beautiful and heartwarming. I wish you the best of luck in the future :)

[@dorothyrapino4563]

Thank you for sharing your story. Love the skin you're in.

[@moosboeke2554]

This is a really good video, your editing skills are great! I'm still overthinking my transition, scared i'll regret it. But i'll figure it out some day..

[@iloveujesusxo]

Really appreciate your honesty and intergrity in sharing this video. Here's hoping there's much more adventures, freedom, love, peace and self-acceptance for you. 🙏💙

[@DANIxDANGER]

As a straight cis woman, this video is so easy to understand and follow and gives a great perspective into a life I have zero experience in. Great job.

[@teacat55]

Thank you for this beautiful video of travels in Europe..... what marvelous moments and memories.

[@bearheart2009]

This was interesting, thanks for posting. Ive watched quite a few videos by trans people, or people with gender dysphoria, and one of the things ive noticed is that they nearly always say that they rejected their own sex/gender before saying they felt more comfortable with the opposite sex and felt the feeling of wanting to be more like them. So, on the surface, it appears like the primary issue is a disconnect people with gender dysphoria have when they conceptualise and experience their own sex/gender. Do you think for some people it seems easier to transition to a woman rather than be a different kind of male?

[@RoncagliaG]

I started my transition during my late teens, but I stopped after I realized the following: I wanted to have a child (which I could never do), I wanted a heterosexual husband (which it is hard to impossible to find a man who accepts and understand you, love you and accept you with an open mind and heart), I didn't like my legs, calves hips or butt (multiple surgeries were necessary). So, I decided to live my life as a "man" with the public perception that I am "gay", it was much easier to access things, less complicated in my social circle and family. I am still in here with my same feelings and desires, fragile, vulnerable, trying to survive in this cruel world.

[@r-platt]

Oh, hon! Please be careful. Having a child is a worthy goal. But finding _anyone_ who will accept you as a woman is extremely rare. Yet if you marry without them accepting that truth it will bring you disaster of epic proportions. Your child will adapt but it will shred your heart until you don't know up from down. You think dysphoria is bad? Wait until you push yourself beyond your breaking point then push further in an attempt to save the love between you and your partner. There is no deeper pit in hell than that life. I know. I've been there. I was remarkably lucky. After destroying my heart and suffering a SEVERE mental break I could not survive as a man any longer. As a result my wife or 10 years took _everything_ from me except a car (the crappier of the 2) and some clothes. The luck came when we started communicating again. I was able to help her at several key times when she truly needed help and nobody was available or willing to help her. This display of love on my part wore down her resolve and she has come to accept me for WHO I am. Just over a year ago she accepted me back into her life - and the life of our child. Our love is deep and true but the damage is done. There is and will forever be a wall between us making us little more than loving friends (without benefits.) I wish you peace and joy!

[@RoncagliaG]

@@r-platt Thank you for sharing.

[@cjoviac]

Very well made video. Your voice is calming and clear. Editing is above average. You should do more.. hopefully one day make a documentary on TV!

[@louisvalentino43]

I'm an androgynous male that lovez makeup and wild out of this world fashion.

[@colinstudies469]

SOOO powerful I cried after like 2 min

[@jaysmithcool]

Excellent video. Thanks for sharing your story.

[@applesandpears9756]

Beautiful filmography. Talent.

[@evemariedumais1461]

OMG!!! I see myself in this sooooo much. Thank you for sharing.

[@denisethompson1035]

Very brave. Very honest. Very glad you found your reflection.

[@Stungunwol]

"I identify as myself." Me too! I identify as you as well! ...wait, let me try that one again...

[@VladaDudak]

Because of that I believe that microdosing HRT would help a lot of people instead of full social and medical transition. Because at the end of the day It's clear that a lot of operations are needed to look like female if the transition Is done a long time after puberty.

[@MsGroovalicious]

What a video of such quality. Great subject and production.

[@HA-ot5ev]

Great for you! I hope you are still doing fine as there has been no video update.

[@jennifercoulthard1485]

I hope your journey continues with much happiness. .

[@jessost1788]

Honestly gender roles suck. I feel like i have distanced myself from a lot of the typical gender role stuff for either of the sexes. But still, other people still treat me as a male and people get weirded out when i act feminine. I also feel dysphoric about myself on a physical level. Like even if we lived in a world where gender roles and expectations didn't exist, I'd still have never wanted to go through male puberty and go through female puberty instead. I'm glad you're better and I'm kinda bummed that my transition is detrimental to some parts of life. But i can't really see another way you know

[@eddyviolet9422]

Tbh the whole thing would be less confusing if we didnt have to second guess about the effects of gender roles and just do what each person chooses w their body

[@OKay-lu8jq]

Hey! Dieses großartige Video provoziert mich dazu, meine Erfahrungen zum Thema wiederzugeben. Ich bin nicht transgender und habe nie die Absicht gehabt, eine Geschlechtsunwandlung anzustreben, aber ich hatte die meiste Zeit meines jungen Lebens das Gefühl, nicht richtig reinzupassen. Ich war eine Art Tomboy, um es kurzzumachen. Nun muss man sagen, das gendernonkonformes Verhalten bei Mädchen mehr geduldet oder sogar unterstützt wird, sodass ich damit relativ gut wegkam. Trotzdem denke ich im Nachhinein, dass ich sehr durch Idealbilder von perfektem Weiblichen und perfekten Männlichen geprägt wurde. Auch wenn meine Situation sicher anders war, finde ich das Gefühl hier extrem gut auf den Punkt gebracht. Man glaubt zu wissen, was richtige Frauen ausmacht und was richtiges Mannsein bedeutet, und fühlt sich daher "nicht ausreichend". Wie sehr das BS ist, ist mir jetzt wieder richtig klargeworden. An dich, das Individuum hinter dem Video: Beim Gucken musste ich denken, dass ich gerne deine "beste Freundin" gewesen wäre, damit wir diese ideale Mädelsfreundschaft umgesetzt hätten, von denen ich auch mal dachte, dass sie existiert😂😂

[@OhNoBob]

This was a wonderful vlog. Really good quality work, well done

[@llunalluneta3780]

Hallo! Thanks for your transparency. Do you have any update? I feel really identified with the feelings about genders at the final of this video. I identify myself as a trans woman already but I feel really lost in my transition considering detransitioning after seven years in HRT. Unbiased stories like yours helps me to clarify what I am feeling and how I will live if I became MTFTM. Now, I look for professional help and try to figure out. Vielen Dank!

[@fujoshipeanut5074]

I feel like my experience with gender has been similar. I never ended up transitioning. I identified as nonbinary and in the first place I only had dysphoria for a year. But then I decided at one point that maybe I should try accepting myself as a woman and I did and it was hard at first but I started to even enjoy it eventually. I don't really know why I rejected it so vehemently. I think it was partly because I had trouble identifying with people in general so I naturally didn't identify with most girls and I felt like an outsider. I wasn't into the things there were into, and I didn't want to become like other women because it didn't match how I saw myself. I think the whole process of growing up and going to university made it worse because I felt like I had to grow up much quicker than I was and become like every other woman. But overtime I've come to understand that I don't have to fit that mould or fit in and relate to other people. I understand that I can express myself differently and feel differently without it being another gender. I would say now that I don't identify with any gender right now, as I had when I considered myself non-binary, but I've just learnt to accept that gender identity just isn't a reality for me and I feel like it might be that why for some people.

[@kira8550]

Beautiful scenery/filming and message

[@theclau]

ich liebe deine videos. Sind so künstlerisch.

[@terrafischer9921]

Heya, Thank you for sharing your story! I hope you continue to find peace within yourself and your expression, and I wish you the best of luck with everything. =)

[@zephz3853]

Hey, as a trans man, I am so proud of you. I hope you don’t ever get harassed for detransitioning!!! Gender roles can fuck up a lot of people and confuse them into believing they’re trans, so I’m glad that you know who you are now

[@r-platt]

*This video is very well done.* I'm extremely glad to hear you're finding yourself. I believe the only thing more important is finding God. I can relate being trapped between 2 worlds. For me being a woman is normal and correct. I started my transition over 2 years ago and have NEVER regretted it. I'm a damn good software engineer but nobody will hire (let alone keep employed) a transgender woman like me. So I've had to go back to being a man for work. It's horrid! While my dysphoria was barely noticeable as a woman, now that I spend Monday to Friday, 8+ hours a day as a man, my dysphoria has returned. But what choice do I have? So I'm "Bob" at work and "Rachael" at home. At times people call me "sir" and others "miss". Talk about confusing. But I go with the flow. I accept others for how they see me. Some day I truly hope I can be me inside and out, knowing others will accept me.

[@Qman232]

Danke :D Hast vielleicht ein Stückchen mein Leben gerettet. Ich habe genau die Probleme und Gefühle wie du, also 1 zu 1. Bin gerade auch am Detransitionieren... also... danke :)

[@blinkoblinko]

5:10 to 6:10 i feel exactly the same since as long as i can remember, but to me its the other way around, i was born a girl and i have a woman body but since i could talk i always said i wanted to be a boy and everything

[@uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh3691]

its been awhile now since your last update (?) i hope you're doing well and life gets better and better for you.

[@plurpee.]

I don't care what gender you are, if you want to come visit Amsterdam and The Hague, just let me know!

[@Verboten19]

I wish you would post an update. I wonder where you're at now with your journey. Did you retransition or did you stay happy as your male self? Wish you the best.

[@martinrei3213]

Hey Kelsey, thanks for your interest in my video! Sadly I doubt I will come back to give new video updates, but I can tell you that I've stayed presenting as male. I have to admit that every 2 - 4 months there's one nostalgia week, where I like to think back to my trans time; I start having doubts and wondering about transitioning for a bit, but usually that disappears after a while. Presenting as male isn't ideal and when I look in the mirror I do see a nice looking person, but sometimes it's difficult to feel represented by that guy. I have however tried to accept it, whereas the reality of transitioning comes with a lot of weight. In the years between these videos and now I've built a good life for myself, with a stable relationship, cool job, comfortable apartment in a new country and cozy family ties. Transitioning would pretty much make me lose at least half of those things. While presenting as a woman would make me happier in many aspects, it would ruin me in a lot of other fundamental areas. It's harsh, but in a way you're starting a completely new life and people treat you accordingly; while you expect everything to stay the same. There's no easy route, it's a very painful balancing act and I still respect people who go through all of this. In an alternate world I do sort of wish I went through with transitioning, and I wonder in our current world what that would be like. In the end it all comes with pros and cons on either route. It's all about how you see things and what you make of it. For now I'm happy with how things are. Have a nice day :)

[@Verboten19]

@@martinrei3213 thank you so much for your reply. I truly appreciate you giving us an update on your life. I'm happy to hear that you have so many good things in your life, even if you still sometimes struggle with feelings of dysphoria. I can't imagine the difficulty of keeping that balancing act going, as you say, but I'm glad you're still mostly comfortable and doing well. I really appreciate your nuanced take on your experience. It helps give us all a better understanding. Take care! Thank you again for sharing!

[@TheASMRCyclist]

Someone once said that being a man can be boiled down to two things. Having "heart" and having "balls". What I understand that means is: having heart is making time for your loved ones and doing things that interest you. Having balls means being willing to risk it all to protect what's dear to you. That's it. Being a good man isn't about how much you bench. It isn't about what you wear. It isn't how deep your voice is or how many partners you've slept with. And it most certainly isn't about rigidly conforming to binary gender roles.

[@amber4sw]

i really love your videos

[@bigbody7149]

beautiful footage

[@davidmicheletti6292]

Im not sure if my experience would offer you any help. I was born with a profound intersex condition and often see myself as residing as both a male and female. For me it was much worse twenty years ago when I contracted stage three testicular-ovarian type cancer. Located in my body were several large germ cell teratoma. One was 17.5 cm and the other 10 cm. The day they were surgically removed I woke up after surgery thinking I had children ripped from my body and started crying because of this. Im sure the fact my alpha feto protein levels were way over 10200 and my body was reacting from the loss of this hormone. I really don't know why. Is gender dysphoria a phycological event taking place in our brains or is it as I believe a physical reaction of the body to how our bodies are structured. I know that I would be very happy living as a women but the complexities of dealing with other people would be very hard. So I just live with very long wonderful hair and dress a little bit as a female. not male not female. Yes I have elements of someone that is transgender and elements of someone who is purely intersex. At the end of the day life is what we learn to live our lives as. Being true to someone else idea of male and female are not for us. Be safe be happy

[@myaccountishacked6417]

Theres wayyyyy too many endocrine disruptors in our environment to determine what gender we are supposed to be aligned to without them being eliminated from the question

[@ThePond1]

I’ve seriously been questioning my gender for almost 2 years now and it’s killing me. I keep hating my body because it’s not female but at the same time it’s videos like these that really make me anxious. I don’t know what to do man...

[@r-platt]

Don't let others dictate who you must be. Look inside yourself. Work to discover who you truly are as a person. Don't worry about what others think - not at this point at least. Don't let others talk you into something that _sounds_ good. It's a hard road no matter which path you take. *Being true to yourself is your only shot at peace of mind and joy of heart.* Please feel free to ask me any questions.

[@LAvengers-59]

Work on developing a confident, secure, stable self. Learn to be authentic and engage in authentic relationship. Truly connect- to yourself and to others. This must come first before gender can be called into question.

[@geordis]

very nice and open video.

[@diotimamyrina]

You seem to have found peace Im glad for you P.S.: long hair doesnt have to be a feminine trait but I get what you mean

[@Auggieautomne]

Thanks, this is healing

[@tthingy7600]

Very nice video. I have a few questions: - Do/did you have any phisical dysphoria? Such as focused into some parts of your body, like I don't know, your body hair or your genitalia - Would you have detransitioned if you got the passing you didn't? - Do you feel truly happy now with yourself? Or just socially good accepted I've started my transition recently and I am fucking afraid about all this since I am REALLY afraid of the passing thing too (my face is not as male as yours but I am older than you I think, and the voice.. maybe I should have it modified by surgery in the future). I am also worried too about what if I regret. Like you I've always thought I should've been born female, and I never identified as male. Adolescence was hard for me since I didn't want any male attributes on my body despite I got used to them. Besides this, despite I'm into man, I never felt "gay", gay guys have always been a "them" to me.

[@redfoxonstilts]

I'm not a male, but I had dysphoria and seriously considered transitioning. So maybe it will be some help. I don't think passing would ever make me happy since I've been unhappy about the way I looked all my live and nothing made it better - losing weight, gaining weight, gaining muscle, losing muscle, etc. I've only gotten rid of that feeling through accepting my body as it is and not really giving a shit about what society expects me to be as a woman. As soon as I stopped feeling detached from myself, dysphoria started to go away. Passing only makes detachment worse. You're not only distancing yourself from your body mentally, but now also physically. Check out KZbinr Ein Rückkehrer erzählt - he's a gay man who has detransitioned, he's got a lot of good insight. Good luck.

[@tthingy7600]

Hey thanks for your response @@redfoxonstilts :) "Considered transitioning?" Didn't you do it according to the another video? Or you didn't take HRT? In my opinion passing is completely imposible for most people without HRT. Actually HRT not only changes the person phisically but also emotionally and equally to the other gender. So you still consider yourself female? Do you think you would be more happy than now if you could get a perfect passing as a woman? I am fucking afraid of the passing thing too next year when the HRT have done effect on me. In my case I have kind of feminine features considering I am a boy so physically speaking I expect getting a descent passing despite the voice thing worries me a lot (I think I'll get a surgery on that when time arrives and also at adam's apple). Then you think is it possible to live as a guy being female and be happy at the same time? In my case I am transitioning since it is the only choice I see right now; I just can't live like this anymore after so many years of anxiety and depression (by "transitioning" I mean taking HRT and doing all the procedures until I get a passing good enough to live as female to the world without many problems and THEN changing my clothes, make up, etc, not the opposite).

[@redfoxonstilts]

​@@tthingy7600 Sorry, I should have made myself clear - I'm not the person from the video, I'm just a random person responding to your comment :)

[@tthingy7600]

@@redfoxonstilts lol hahahah so true xDD But thanks to your comment I checked again the video of the detransition and I've noticed that Martin Rei didn't take hormones I think, only dressed as a girl

[@martinrei3213]

@Kho Konutz Hey, thanks for your interest! I've read through your comments and questions, and hope I can clear some of your doubts. - As mentioned in the video at 4:28, I did have physical dysphoria ("narrower shoulders, wider hips.."), not however genital dysphoria. From all the dysphoria, only body hair actively persists to this day. - If I had passed, perhaps it might've been a different story and I wouldn't have detransitioned. But in all honesty; There's no way to know. Most of my worries stemmed from superficial issues, such as not sounding nor looking feminine. For me they influenced how I behave around others and how confident I was about myself. If I had passed, those issues might've resolved themselves, as I wouldn't be confronted with skepticism and uncomfortable situations around the trans-issue all the time. As you observed yourself, I didn't take hormones, which is a great factor. But I wouldn't overestimate HRT either; I didn't take them, but I have observed a lot of friends going through their transition. There's definitely a lot of changes. Mental ones seem to happen very early; they can strain you emotionally at the beginning, but eventually stabilize. Superficial ones tend to take half a year to be noticeable for yourself and up to three years for the really noticeable changes. I have however also heard stories of people being on hormones for years without the desired changes taking effect, so surgeries are an option. What I'm trying to get at though; Transitioning is a long process that requires a lot of patience, energy and money (amount depending on country). Life will go on during that year-long (some say life-long) process, so it's important to make stability possible by yourself and not just dependent on the transition. Stability meaning: Psychological, financial and social. Three factors that require a healthy mixture for a transition to be realistic. In my case, the financial factor was deteriorating and therefore pulling the other two down as well with time, ultimately making me detransition. - Now I'm happy with myself. I see myself as a work in progress I'm trying to improve a little day by day. I've managed to find stability in all three factors, though not on a level I'm happy with yet. When that happens, it's on to the bigger projects. Whatever that will be. I still like thinking back to the time I was transitioning, there's something magical about it. My dysphoria didn't just disappear completely though; they're sort of "on-hold", as I have other priorities now. So, maybe I'll start transitioning again when the time is ripe, perhaps I won't. I hope I didn't scare you off from transitioning, though. It's an amazing process, but one to be very cautious of. I remember being very happy when I learnt about transitioning as a concept, which made me impulsive and therefore take decisions I should've put more thought into. We might not be here for a long time, but let's try to make it a good time; So take some time to get there :)

[@eugeniarodrigues9720]

I wish all the best for you

[@ivazzzz688]

I have always felt uncomfortable in my body but never knew what it was. I admire the male figure so much that I get anxious when I see a female body on Instagram and relise that I can't have such muscles, hair and body like a male. I get anxious cause that is what I look like.. I am a girl.. But I don't think I am trans... it doesn't feel right either.

[@hanssolos3699]

it's 2022, I hope u r well and good.

[@jazzcabbage9370]

Is this germany? The landscape is so beautiful

[@codywolfwestern2476]

Everyone tells me I can transition when I'm 18 and I can get on T when I'm 18 and they accept "who I am" when I'm not that this is child abuse and I need help I'm too scared to tell the truth and I know if I say how this is child abuse I'll lose some of my friends and I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two girls one is "non binary" the other is cis and they "love me" only a man and woman can get married and have kids and love each other it's called infatuation if you love the same sex/gender and I need help on how to face my inner demons and deal with my dysphoria without going through with this child abuse that should be illegal.

[@user-li2li8uy6n]

Not Age Restricted I understand what you’re going through but a lot of the time kids with gender dysphoria only have it because of puberty: there’s a huge chance you will change your mind when you’re 22/23 and by then it’s too late, you’ve already permanently altered yourself and then what are you gonna do. Seeing a therapist until then is your best bet and socially transitioning to look like a male. It’s not child abuse, they’re just thinking ahead and about your future.

[@spud69g]

Maybe try mushrooms? It may help with finding your identity, letting go of ego and truly finding yourself.

[@socialexperimentable]

i honestly couldnt imagine going back to living as a male.

[@janej1696]

Me too, but I don't have the issues with being misgendered in public and the lack of confidence...I get jobs and live as my brain gender and most don't know... This is the goal of transition, but until WPATH realizes that FFS is medically necessary for dinner to achieve this treatment goal, these cases will continue to happen.... You can tell, if she could have blended and lived stealth even without family acceptance her mental health would be at goal and sure could live without thinking about gender all the time, like unafflicted people do...

[@gee-wizz.5050]

I don't know if this is any help to you or anyone, but apparently certain native Indians believed that people could be born with 2 spirits- one male, and one female. They were accepted, respected, and able to live according to their own version of themselves. Personally, I believe in reincarnation and that could confuse the soul if they'd experienced the opposite gender last time, perhaps several times. But aI also think that acceptance of self is increasingly difficult in this life. And too many people are led to think that transition is the answer, when most of the time it probably isn't. It's a complex, uncomfortable and unhappy life for many, particularly when they're young, and especially if they've been bullied, but often what most people need is acceptance for themselves, and certainly I think stuff like the pressure for people to come out as gay, or make life changing decisions is a sign not of an individual's problem, so much as the society as a whole!

[@CryptoMafia]

Kids are learning about sex way to early, before they even have sexual feelings.

[@lauradielavalampe6891]

Nice Montage of Europe

[@blackcrowfree5562]

I forgort my point of view because I felt in love of the landscape... Is it Germany?