"My husband is the only person who's seen me unmasked" | Inside Our Autistic Minds

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Flo shares her experience of being diagnosed with autism in her 20s, and how it's impacted her relationship with her mum.
Chris Packham meets other autistic people from across the UK and helps them create short films to reveal to their family and friends what’s really going on inside their minds.
Flo shares her experience of being diagnosed with autism in her 20s, and how it's impacted her relationship with her mum.
#InsideOurAutisticMinds #ChrisPackham #iPlayer
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[@davonstubblefield5822]

Wish more people felt like they could be themselves around people without being judged we would see a lot of funny and unique people

[@molchmolchmolchmolch]

Exactly. People would realise that everyone's way "weirder" than they let on bc they don't dare to. That's also why I think neurodivergence is bs - bc itself not a trait of some people vs neurotypicals. Humans are generally more diverse than society can or wants to handle. Some just can't or don't want to hide it. Especially the ones that don't want to hide it and choose not to are my favourite people of all.

[@mythtree6348]

that makes no sense to me. this isnt autism, its normal. we have a highly competitive society hoing through financial collapse so people are even more competitive than usual.. and people are shy to say what they think, generally cos they dont have a clue what they think. Everyone in a competitive group has to worry what others think.. or else get in fights or be ostracised. Its called normal life.

[@mythtree6348]

@@Chambers36TheEnter if people be themselves others wil be themselves and be angry or violent too .. thats what society is.. we fit in with others. Nowadays few are getting on with anyone tho as you may be noticing.

[@Max-bu5ky]

As a person myself with autism I have opened up but I’ve been beat up for it and have people be incredibly condescending to me which isn’t nice as some people don’t see me as having any social intelligence. I think today I don’t really give a shit what someone thinks cause I accept that I have autism and if someone doesn’t like it they can jog on. I think finding good friends that don’t judge you or lower you is important.

[@simplytarah]

I'm so happy to see a woman represented in this show 💖 I was just diagnosed AuDHD at 33, 6 months ago, and I've masked my entire life. I've struggled with so many things, and having an answer, even after this long, has changed everything for me. There's too many of us women who have been lost in the system, our struggles ignored because we didn't fit the stereotype of the little autistic boy obsessed with trains. I hope this will help give us a voice

[@soph4850]

04:50 omg this. This is how I’ve always described it. It feels like everyone else was born with a handbook on how to live life the right way and I just wasn’t

[@thatrunningirl]

same xx

[@linden5165]

It's wonderful to see autistic stories told by autistic people. I feel we're in a period of change and growing awareness. It's long overdue. I'm late-diagnosed autistic and when I realised, and later had it professionally confirmed, it was life-changing. It really is like we have lived with the wrong operating manual and so blamed ourselves when things didn't go right. Now I have the right operating manual and life is so much better, much happier, much safer. Identity and community matter and it takes awareness and representation to guide people. It's life-saving a lot of times. The thing with masking is yes it is protective, but it can come at a big cost to wellbeing and self esteem. It's not always voluntary, sometimes it's about safety. As autistic people we've all lived through a lot of invalidation, criticism, and usually significant distress. Autistic people deserve a lot better. It starts with understanding, and for the majority of the public that means realising that most of what you know is likely to be wrong. Misconceptions are widespread. Listen to those who live it.

[@RouxHarbour]

This is so me. For as long as I can remember I've done masking behaviours. So much so that it catches me off guard if I accidentally find myself in the moment in social situations. I remember hating looking people in the eye as a child. It would make me incredibly stressed, like their eyes were piercing into me. Instead, I would look at their noses and would be very fascinated by different nose shapes. Because you know, I spent a lot of my time looking at them. I still hate it. But I've developed a routine of "ok, I've looked away for too long now, time to look into their eyes again so they don't think I'm being weird." And also forced hms and ahs, when people talk, because otherwise people have in the past thought I wasn't listening, and then they start asking if I'm listening, and that's a whole another unpleasant and stressful interaction. For my whole life, I just had this overwhelming feeling of there being something wrong with me. Constantly asking myself "is this how you're supposed to do this? Is this what "normal" people would do in this situation?" and constantly feeling like I was failing at a race I didn't understand the rules of. Only now, at the age of 30, am I starting to learn more about my brain, how it works, how to work WITH my brain and not against it; and that there isn't anything wrong with me, never was, I'm just not neurotypical, with the help of my therapist. Sounds simple, but I really wish someone had told me sooner! xD

[@bbymoon]

Wow. My partner was the one that suggested i had autism. And after a couple years and a professional diagnosis, they were completely right. I relate to Flo so much, i feel like my partner is the only human in the world who has seen true unmasked, me. And even then there is a small 5 percent masking that happens because of fear. Feeling misunderstood and lost and walking around everyday with that camouflage on is definitely debilitating and exhausting

[@curiouswonderer2082]

Please put the full episode. I really need to see this .

[@anabelle1508]

I wish I could be my authentic self with my parents because authenticity is the root of any strong, real relationship. But whenever I dared to be, I was systematically judged as too sensitive, too aggressive, too picky, too rebellious, too much of a dreamer, too lazy, too selfish, too limited in my interests (such as learning the language of the Romany people at 23 and graduating in Romany and Romanian) and I felt so unloved and inadequate that masking has become a survival strategy and I spent the last 25 years of my life exhausting myself to show a good facade. Now at 48, I know I will always mask with them, we have built a superficial relationship but I suppose they think they have the real me in front of them, or at least they prefer that one, even if she is dull most of the time, but dull with a smile. I, on the other hand, feel like an orphan.

[@MiissSLG]

Hi Anabelle, I'm sorry you've gone through that. I hope you have been able to find people who you can be authentic with and who like you just as you are. I'm Romanian, I'm almost 32 and I suspect I have Autism and possibly ADHD. I find it so interesting that you studied Romany and Romanian because it's not very common indeed. What made you do that?

[@user-de9zk4bv2o]

Every time it hurts a lot when I try to talk to my mother about my condition, unfortunately, my mother is not able to accept me as I need, she says why don’t you just be normal, I won’t even try anymore

[@owenlewis8006]

When I saw her stood up on stage in front of people I was stunned!! I couldn't dream of doing that! Flo is better at masking than me.

[@arscaeli5061]

Hi, I´m Spanish and unfortunately I can´t watch the BBC from here. My son is autistic and I´m extremely interested in the series. Hope you upload more videos. Thank you.

[@miruna5]

Please make the episodes available for non-UK users ❤️🙏🏼

[@TheMadde89]

Such an important topic and valuable content! He seem to really want to help people and bring more awareness. So when can we outside of the UK watch this? I'd easily pay a little something to watch this legally 🙏🏼 I self-diagnosed (AuDHD) 2021 and doing an assessment now (my second, last one was done very wrongly) and this is valuable. I definitely relate and it's only now after understanding this about myself that I can open up more to my parents. And they open up more about their own struggles which makes us more close as a family, slowly but surely. I'm about to turn 34 now so it's taken awhile, despite being in the psych system for almost my entire adulthood. So this is important to me aswell that more people can understand themselves. Or we're going to continue to lose people who can't take it anymore. Which I fully understand. Please make this documentary available for the world, it could save lives ❤️

[@ilyalicebtoklas]

I've lived most of my adult life as a loner unable to mix with others out of extreme anxiety in social situations. I never thought I was damaged I always thought I was just shy. It wasn't till a friend I look into autism and aspergers that the penny finally dropped and at 45 I realised I'd got aspergers. I've coped most of my life hiding behind a face I put on to appear normal and it wasnt till I saw this program that I realised I did this and that masks are something people with aspergers use to cope

[@ashnewsam]

5:03 thank you Chris, you’re awesome. this gave me some hope for the future. thank you.

[@kuibeiguahua]

I am so happy to be here for this! I discovered like 2 months ago! And now the BBC is talking about it!!! What luck!!!

[@AuntyProton]

Seeing the two of you, I'm here stimming which I normally don't do when I'm alone.

[@lilipotgieter6263]

She is beautiful!

[@paddylinehan8559]

very good ... a real truth in both of them ...

[@molchmolchmolchmolch]

Are there a lot of people who don't feel fake having that kind of small talk? I mean everyone follows the social script there, don't they. That's why these conversations are so formulaic.

[@marianne6680]

the thing is, autistic traits are human traits, so you're bound to recognize them by name. However the difference is not in having that trait, but in how intense and frequent it is and what the consequences are. Masking autism is something that can take up most the energy in a conversation. For me for instance I would be wondering about ten things at the same time, because nothing comes naturally. Am I making enough eye contact, am I smiling, is my tone friendly, am I saying the right things, what does their expression mean, did they make a joke or was that serious, I can't hear them over all the background sounds etc. etc. And don't forget the preparation that goes into it either, or having to recuperate for ages after. Masking autism comes at a huge cost to autistic people and is one of the main reasons for autistic burnout. I myself masked so well that I didn't find out about the autism till I was 37. See if I were to mask more and want to appear less autistic, I'd make this comment way shorter. But I'm trying to mask less 😊

[@unicorntomboy9736]

@@marianne6680 What is this so-called "masking"? I've never heard of it before Maybe you are overthinking things all the time. Nobody thinks about all those things during a light casual conversation

[@pnwz]

@@unicorntomboy9736 Lots of people have all of those thoughts in the briefest light conversations. You’re responding to a comment where someone is telling you this. Maybe have a watch of the video, which is about masking, instead of making a dismissive comment to someone who is nicely explaining some of the thoughts behind the mask.

[@unicorntomboy9736]

@@Chambers36TheEnter Well I am not going to argue against that. You are right in that regard

[@angelinasouren]

@@marianne6680 It does sound exhausting. What can we neurotypicals do to make things easier for autistic people and to make masking perhaps less of a necessity? A few years ago, it slowly dawned on me that I'd known an autistic woman since about 1982. She was a neighbor at the time, we stayed in touch, I was at the ceremony when she graduated with a law degree, we've gone to a music concert together, I've often been at her place and she at mine, I know her kids, we used to go cycling and she's visited me later in the UK, the country that I am in now etc. I looked up what I should do, so I contacted her about it and she replied that I was right, to cut a long story short. It's given me a lot of clarity, but I also still find myself wondering if she too has been doing a lot of masking and whether there were signs that I might have spotted when she was not masking or when she was masking. Do all autistic people have to resort to masking to avoid all the questions etc from us neurotypicals? (She's not in the UK, btw. I have the feeling that the UK may be particularly challenging for autistic people, but maybe I am wrong about that. I still have a lot to learn.)

[@nyssafiedautistic]

Thank you for sharing, appreciate it.

[@raea3588]

This is very interesting. I've met so many people who say that I should do stand up comedy. I don't see myself as that funny. But I do know that I am masking and being witty and repeating in different cycles, not only with my words but with gestures, small talk that I've heard and learned to use. I've been masking probably 98 percent of the time since I was a toddler. Even when I'm alone it's just so hard to... When I think about what it would be like to go out into the world and just be myself... I can't think about it for too long because I feel like I would literally crumble with relief and a weight that I carry around with me everywhere would be gone. I'm not sure many people would recognize me and sadly, I'm not sure the world would want that "Me". But will I go through my whole life not ever being who I truly am? Society has done a terrible disservice telling people who they should be, how they should act. But how will I change that if I don't allow myself to be me?

[@lechenaultia5863]

All power and happiness to both of them.....but everyone learns rules of small talk and other social interactions and nobody knows anyone else fully.

[@spicybiscuit88]

Yes but with autism it's much more extreme - and we have very little natural social ability. Like - imagine something you are really bad at, then imagine you HAD to do it all the time. And you have no natural talent, so it's never going to get easier. You have to try REALLY hard all the time to even be barely adequate.

[@mistynash4382]

How do you get tested? I'm 45 yrs old and I believe I am autistic. My middle daughter is 23 yrs old and is autistic. We don't have the resources here in Sidney, MT as we live in a small town.

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

Being yourself means more bullying, more sociopaths targeting you, more jobs not hiring you, more people not wanting to date you, etc.

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

Also world discrimination. There’s no proper care besides being tortured in the US. But if we try to move elsewhere, we are not allowed or welcome. Other so called progressive countries ban autistic people as if we’re criminals. So society needs to change, not us. Neurotypicals are cruel unempathetic people who somehow think they’re good. It’s insane.

[@MariannaOlsen]

In the end of the show that it states "it will get better". It doesn't necessarily get better by age. Shows like, public wereness and expectancy is is portent. But also better understanding in the whole school system a must.

[@vermilliongecko]

Autism doesn't get better, but self acceptance can get easier.

[@redbirddeerjazz]

Autistic people are often very good at improv comedy. I have met many fellow autistics through doing improv.

[@sarahgreen8592]

This is so interesting to see it from a ladies view I am 37 my 16 year old son is autistic my husband is conviced I am but I just dont know were to turn or if its worth finding out or just carry on as I am

[@vermilliongecko]

If you're in the UK ask your GP about Right To Choose, if you want to be assessed on the NHS.

[@soph4850]

I can’t lie, I don’t think my parents know me all that well.

[@VivekaAlaya]

she looks so much like kate from this is us series

[@djsaintmusic7819]

I’m autistic and about to send this to my NT wife.

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

Omg the second I saw her cold stare into his face I saw myself looking back at me. Look at me look into your eyes the way humans do. This is a normal human thing. I’m looking at you as hard as I can. 😂

[@callumrobertson7541]

that's exactly how I felt!

[@hazeldavis3176]

When I was little if you didn't mask well enough you'd get a punishment during therapy. It sucked and now it's hard for me to be myself. I feel lonely and broken a lot of the time.

[@MMH1991]

I am so sorry to hear this. As children, our experiences really scaffold our behaviours and thoughts as adults. Start off with small baby steps to allow yourself to unmask and be the real you. It won't happen over night, Rome wasn't built in a day, but your life is worth enough to change the way you view youself and express yourself. You are worth enough. You are allowed to be you.

[@joerussell6021]

Hi Hazel, you are not alone. I'm 53yrs and got my diagnosis last March. I have lost all my so called friends. I live on my own and the only person who see me unmasked is my draught, who is all so ASD. I feel very guilty because of my Genetic being past on too her. Like you I was punished as a child, and have masked all my life, so now I have no idea who I am! Every night I wished not to wake up and when I did, it would be broken again, another day I had to cope with!! I have now found a women's group through the national autistic society, they are amazing. I have melt down every day, and I feel lonely, but I know I'm not alone. Take care. x

[@jmfs3497]

I am undiagnosed, but identify with many ASD traits. To me it seems relieving to see the patterns, but there is still a wall between me and what other people seem to want to see in me. I feel "normal" being sincere, but feel treated like a freak for it. I don't understand that. Why is sincerity uncomfortable for others? Is it? I can feel like I'm making a connection with my father and he will say "Well, you have always been quite the philosopher" instead of having a more connected thought to my words. I don't feel like a philosopher, I just feel like I am honest. And I don't feel like I am trying to be honest, but more that I don't know any other way to be. Why speak at all if the words are dishonest? I mean, I have learned in my life that people use words dishonestly to manipulate people, but it still seems silly and a waste of time.

[@janelutwyche2210]

Amazing, thanks, Chris. What an eye opener we all need to embrace diversity😍

[@RioRav]

I wish it did continue to get better. But if you are as autistic as I am, and marginalised, then it's hell. Not only am I trying my best everyday and exhausted because of it, I'm told I'm lazy and lying and bad nearly every time I interact with a human being. I didn't start out non-verbal and isolated, I'm simply too scared to interact with people anymore, it takes too much out of me, it's too exhausting and scary, it's simply not worth it. Theres no support, but theres all the pressure of society to succeed and work. But I can't. And I can't get help because I'm too "well" when the only things I can do is cook and clean. What sort of existance do you think it is to have to flee your own house because of noises from neighbours, not being able to go outside for days because your skin is too sensitive to wear clothes, not being able to shower because theres too many steps to it, not being able to sleep because you're too stressed, not being able to do anything because youre too tired, not being able to use the phone, not understanding what people say or write, not remembering things, constantly fearing homelessness and battling hunger, it's just like being stranded. No one cares about us. If any of the thirty-fourty times in my life I asked for help I was believed even once instead of dismissed I wouldn't be this way. I don't think I have a way back from this place, I'm too burnt out and theres no way to de-stress any more when you're in poverty. I'm going to die by my own hand before I go to a mental ward again to be tortured daily because those places are just like everywhere else: not equipped to handle autistic people. I won't make it a week being homeless as naive as I am and I don't have what it takes to work so I would rather be euthanised. Life is torture because of society not because of me. If I cant succeed and have a job or family and friends don't you think it's just enough of torture by itself to have no purpose and no future? Now they want to take away my home and my food too.

[@redbirddeerjazz]

Hey, I hope you’re doing better now. I relate to almost everything you wrote because I’ve been there too. It CAN get better. There is always hope, even if it feels hopeless for what feels like the longest time.

[@molchmolchmolchmolch]

Sorry it's not really to the point but still - she's so pretty 😊

[@fizzlepop]

Facebook blocks me from sharing this, saying it goes against their community standards 😐

[@emptymindedcat]

I agree entirely. I’ve masked my entire life and I’m scared. I’m scared that if I let go of the mask then the people that know me for ‘me’ (my masking) will leave. They won’t like me for who I really am. People say the whole ‘if they don’t like you for you then they aren’t really your friends’ but can you blame them when you’ve lied to them your entire life?

[@heatherlinnette189]

The horrible thing is girls were not diagnosed. My daughter just went for eight years to get diagnosed. She’s just turned 30. Because we suspected that it was autism and not mental health. That was my daughters problem. I had her younger sister who is 12 years younger assessed and she was diagnosed with Asperger’s when she was 13, but because my older daughter is an adult, it took so much longer because when she was a little girl, this is simply would not diagnosing girls with autism. They didn’t even consider it even though she was under a paediatrician. The school never once considered that autism could be her problem. They knew she was different, but they didn’t understand what it was, Because girls present differently to boys.

[@delilahhart4398]

I'm surprised that she feels that she can't fully be herself around her mother, because you would think that her mother would already know her fully after having raised her. I'm autistic myself, and my mother knows me better than anyone else does.

[@nitacollins3645]

Her mother may be highly judgemental or invalidating.

[@redbirddeerjazz]

My mother is not accepting of my autism and I don’t feel safe around her

[@delilahhart4398]

@@redbirddeerjazz I'm sorry.

[@Zedrophobia]

I don’t understand why she is considered autistic, nothing she describes is different from me and she’s standing on a stage, something I could never do.

[@emswirdnam5711]

Maybe look into getting assessed then

[@negakirine]

She isn’t simply „considered autistic“. She got a diagnostic! Plus, autism is a spectrum and a neurological divergence, manifesting very differently. Oh, and also: plenty of Autistic or ADHD actors out there, some off them quite outspoken about it.

[@strictnonconformist7369]

Being autistic doesn’t automatically make someone an introvert, not at all. As much as many of us autistics have anxiety issues, not all of us do: I’m perfectly capable of going on a stage like that, live, even telling new jokes I created while there and never tried out anywhere before. I’ve done that with over a thousand people, a fair number of them I knew, most I did not. Hell, I’ve put up with enough bullies being bullies that I’ve stopped caring what they think, so long as they don’t get in the way of me doing what I intend to do. I have no diagnosable anxiety disorder, which seems like an impossible thing, given what I’ve had to deal with: anxiety isn’t a given for a neurotype.

[@Bozewani]

my malawian girlfriend accepts me as umasking she is a photographer a and a model ihe accepts me and because i wrote my masters on the maputo protocol she is my best christmas present/birhtday present/st valentiens day present

[@themjpaul]

She looks like a girl in a viral video at some rave or concert. The girl was grinding her teeth and dancing weird in the viral video.

[@vermilliongecko]

I know Flo, and I don't think she's ever done that.

[@rochepatto1]

A lot of comedians are neurodivergent

[@redbirddeerjazz]

Yep. I know many comedians, both standup and improv, who are autistic and/or have ADHD. Myself included.

[@nettiebetti1484]

He's nosey

[@vermilliongecko]

It's his job to ask questions.

[@therespectedlex9794]

Do you understand the context?

[@ritazanin1429]

Well acted. UK production?

[@JackAllpikeMusic]

well yeah it's a bbc show, but it's not acted.

[@angelinasouren]

@@JackAllpikeMusic Well, if they were both masking, I guess they *were* acting.

[@therespectedlex9794]

​@@JackAllpikeMusicIf it's anything on the TV you could argue it's acted. A scaffolded truth. Coincidence again, because autistic people scaffold conversations, sometimes.

[@jamesedmonds7519]

This show lead to me seeking a diagnosis. I had my first assessment with a psychologist two days ago and I'm awaiting my formal diagnosis. I know I'm autistic but I want a proper diagnosis to confirm that for others.

[@vengarlof7033]

In a decade or two we will look back and laugh at how over diagnosed autism and adhd are, and even more so at people who are “self diagnosed”

[@AaronHendu]

Internet antagonist with literally nothing better to do with its life.

[@vengarlof7033]

@@AaronHendu not a bad description of autistic people

[@bilblio]

I think it's far more likely we'll be shocked at how hugely under diagnosed it is.

[@linden5165]

90% of autistic adults are currently undiagnosed and access to skilled diagnosis is very limited. Gatekeeping and ignorance don't help anyone. In a decade or two many more will have realised their authentic identity and have been able to connect to community and understanding, and will be living better lives because of it. The shift is happening and awareness is increasing. There are whole lost generations of autistic people. It's a homecoming and every single person will be made welcome in our community. Self-diagnosed people are welcome and accepted in autistic community.

[@maughleigh]

@@linden5165Thank you. This is beautifully said.