My Spouse Can't Choose Between Me Or Their Affair Partner - "The Valley" Explained

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Why do people use "The Valley," when referring to an affair? Dr. Joe Beam discusses this and its concept in this video.
The valley is when you're between two things. Often, it means that someone is between their spouse and their lover; they have a relationship with both and don't have to make any big decisions. They are getting what they want from both parties so they don't want to stir the pot. The valley means that people think they have the best of both worlds and they want to keep it that way. While the valley should not last forever, there can be a benefit to staying there for a time. If you feel that there is progress being made in the relationship, then keeping your spouse in the valley for a time may be beneficial. At any point that damage begins to occur, it is time to do something. Set boundaries, consequences, and criteria in order to push your relationship out of the valley.

[@tomtinker220]

If you wife is having a 15 month affair, and she won’t stop it, and wants to keep her affair partner as a friend, stop being a simp and kick her to the curb! Save what self-respect you have left and go no contact with her.

[@rozannmoake8146]

In case it helps anyone, here is a coping mechanism I’m using...I’m putting my husband in a box in my head. All of our 17 years of marriage are in the box. All negative interactions go in the box so I don’t dwell on them. All positive interactions go in the box so I don’t get my hopes up and get my heart shattered again. He lives in the box so that I can function, work on my PIES and become healthy again. If he wants to continue to destroy his life, that’s up to him, but he cannot take me down with him anymore. The kids and I will survive and thrive no matter what he chooses. I hope very much for him to get rid of the demons in him and for his heart and soul to heal. I’ve put this into practice for a couple days only, but I’m feeling much better.

[@tifffany24]

I’m doing the same thing !!!!!!!

[@user-dq8ls4id1e]

I’m also doing the exact same thing…. Walking straight and allowing God to do his work 🙏

[@markmiller5939]

Thank you! I've found this video very helpful to me. I'm in a situation very similar to this. I was feeling very depressed that I'm allowing my wife to continue in the valley, and this helped me realize I'm not completely crazy for allowing this for a while.

[@RaneetaFailua15]

This is where I am too and yes like that person I felt like I am enabling the behaviour. Thus causing more resentment and anger. Which is the wrong way to feel about it. It awesome to get clarity.

[@georgeroberts3766]

Mark Miller ooo

[@ShaunyP26]

Read the book Women’s infidelity. I was there. It’s a trap. Divorce her. She is leading you right into the meat grinder and she has lost all respect for you by you allowing this.

[@Krystaldoll282]

Seems to be enabling and it is destructive to the family. Love is being faked, lied about. And it’s destructive to the person allowing it. It brings your self worth down, you’re being devalued. My daughter, who I love dearly, is doing this to her husband and family. It it hurts my heart for her husband and the kids. She is living in two worlds and lying to the kids. They think that faking a good marriage is a great idea. She runs and plays with the other person, concerts, games, movies, etc. and then comes home and plays mom. But with this she has no idea what it’s like to have your get someone to watch the kids while she going out. She has her beautiful home to come home too snd daddy tickled the kids into bed. It breaks my heart she is doing this. I feel she doesn’t really know the consequences of her actions in this sernario. Why in the world is she doing this??

[@debrapaul1552]

I’ve been separated 2 years from my husband of 40 years. He is like a happy chicken in the valley. Believes he said what he had to say to me when we parted. I realise my health is suffering where it is affecting my work. I managed business by talking only about things with the children and grandchildren. He is comfortable carrying on like this as he can see other oppositions for another relationship. I feel we still have unfinished business and broached the conversation recently. His reply was i still have no feelings for you and I want a divorce. He is filing for the divorce. He pride and arrogance refuses him to seek counselling even for himself. What can I do now.

[@dwilliams5137]

pray and give it to God

[@bystandersarah]

The mountain range i represent is prettier, more interesting, smarter, full of better resources, happier village life and historically significant. But if he wants to explore the other range, he’ll lose access to this mountain range permanently. 😕. Oh and I personally have better “mountains” 😉

[@ShaunyP26]

I feel bad for this guy. The only way to deal with a woman that behaves this way is to divorce her. Limbo is an ideal situation for the female cheater and will lead the husband straight into the meat grinder. Do not listen to this advice. I went through it. There is no value.

[@glewis49]

There is no way in hell I would stay while my wife was carrying on an affair!! Also I wouldn’t expect her to if I was!! NO WAY NO HOW!!

[@bystandersarah]

Agreed

[@CatsArePeopleToo]

Agree. What's to stop her from saying anything to her husband (about ending the affair) just to keep the peace so she can continue on?

[@indiahindiah7295]

Makes sense to me , a decision made timely just for two

[@georgeporteous8201]

I would definitely stay, and she would definitely go.

[@c.j.9248]

Hmm. Think if my unfaithful wife had stayed in The Valley, I would bury her there. Will definitely do that if I ever find her in an affair again!

[@bflynfree]

I bet she feels trapped with you. This comment you wrote said it all.

[@seamus1952]

I'm sorry (if anyone is still around) is he suggesting that the betrayed partner would let the betrayer continue cheating with the affair partner while you sit at home waiting for him/her to decide? Or do you mean you understand the uncertainty and emotional instability that is going on but the affair has stopped?

[@cmiss2724]

Ok he is still that valley and I’ve asked him to move out otherwise I’ll get more depressed and stress , after 5 weeks he still seem distance to me , so what else I can do beside doing my pies .. I’m still struggling what to do next...

[@careytedesco6554]

Great advice!

[@MarriageHelper]

Thanks for watching!

[@neneuche]

My partner left our home to live on his own after I found out about an affair. I am struggling to concentrate at work and I lost a lot of weight. I cry a lot. He told me he was thinking of leaving before Christmas but I found out about the affaire in March. After I found out we were more open and connected and I thought we could work through it but he said we are too damaged and even if he cares about me he cannot negate what he feels for the other woman. I’m obsessing over your videos and others like I’m studying for the bar exam. We were togheter 18 years. We still have friendly contact but I don’t want to be a friend. My friends tell me I’m hurting myself and to just move on. I can’t. How can i reduce the anxiety this causes me while maintaining my goal of reconciliation?

[@eileenfuentes6975]

I know it's been a year but how are things now? Did you practice smart contact? I would absolutely not want to be friends because friends are close and I would feel like a safety net for when their Affair falls apart. That is usually what happens many times after they deal with that grass is greener syndrome. If he doesn't value you enough to work on things, does he not realize that friendship is work, too? Anyone who will cut you off like that, stay far away and give them space and don't jump right into a friendship after being together for 18 years. That is just stringing you along. Besides that I would work on my pies and MH says if anything will work, this usually does. But if it doesn't work for the relationship at least you are a better version of yourself.

[@nicolapetersen1633]

It's so easy for other people to say move on. They are all happy in their normal while your life is upside down. I'm in the same position. It's hurtful I go through waves of anxiety.

[@nisse6952]

​@nicolapetersen1633 everyone tells me to leave him. I'm pretty sure I've lost the respect of mostly everyone I know, for choosing to stand and stay. I've been going through the suggestions on MH and it's really helped calm things enough for my husband to draw back a bit and communicate with me. He hasn't left, but he's not really back. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm going through the anxiety myself. I keep having panic attacks. I've lost so much weight, my dr is concerned. The thought of him with another makes me physically ill, and physically hurt. I hope you can find some support and work on yourself despite the pain and uncertainty. It helps to find other things to focus on. I hope you don't mind, but will keep you and your marriage in my prayers. Remember to be kind to yourself, like you would be kind to a friend going through something similar.

[@amelaamelajiang493]

Here lots thing with government worng because the country is doing farmers taxes service ..and House market things ......even BEL is worng the wire design home ..

[@brendanperrett8248]

I felt my wife was in a valley for the past 10 months. She had lived away from the family home and wouldn’t tell me where she was living. I found out she was seeing another man and both been living together during that time. I always felt that it was me in the valley because she wanted best of both worlds. I finally gave up on her and now we are going through a separation. I feel like I’m finally making my way out of the valley and can get on with what’s best for me

[@stevemines6870]

HELL 2THE YEAH

[@rodriguezperalta3212]

Please update

[@brendanperrett8248]

@@rodriguezperalta3212 I made her move her things out in August 2012 and have never said a word to her since apart from a “thanks “ after getting a happy birthday text in 2022. I have moved on and seeing someone else now for which I’m very happy and grateful to have her in my life now

[@amelaamelajiang493]

The BTL ... company digi and Smart company .and central

[@nickywaggs8672]

If you stay with your wife for 15!!! Months!!! while she’s with another dude you deserve the pain. Divorce her and move on. You are 2nd place. She’s putting there. Don’t ever let this happen dudes. Hit the gym and make more $. Another relationship will come…I guarantee it.

[@amelaamelajiang493]

I do everything is legend ......in Belize country .

[@amelaamelajiang493]

they joining more 23country But most people here is no Job .......

[@francesingram8540]

I am glad I found this video. I understand the valley a little more now. And I can start to try and understand to do the things the right way. Currently waiting for a coach to call back. My husband is in the valley right now while our relationship is getting better I'm still not sure if I can let this continue much longer.

[@sharathnb]

This is the only video I disagreed with you. I don't think we should let someone continue Edit - u know what may be I'll agree, cuz u never know if my wife is in the valley. I used to ignore all videos previously thinking nothing will ever go wrong.

[@lawless2321]

Interesting

[@margritlayh2507]

If you date a married man without sex do you consider that an affair or just a caring friendship

[@christinaalexaaa]

That’s called an either an emotional or relationship affair.

[@andre81400]

What happens when he gets my wife pregnant while in the valley?

[@stevemines6870]

Is she really your wife

[@amelaamelajiang493]

my housbem is old me 20year .75year .he no like here ..he old .he told my son will give me land but that is lied because some is behind the back hostel me

[@amelaamelajiang493]

The multi system ......

[@dubyabalthazar4598]

I want to explode both mountains so theres just flat land! Take that valley!!!

[@bystandersarah]

Lol! I feel ya! I want Morocco to disappear off the planet because he took her there on a trip we’d planned...but that’s not fair to the lovely Moroccans😔 I had to get rid of all the souvenirs he brought back for me and the kiddo. Both mountains will probably be leveled eventually as they lose you and become naturally dissatisfied and disappointed with the affair partner/limerant object/mate poacher

[@VanessaSimon26]

Right now yes. Flat land. Neither one fit in to helping me be stable. Depression is here I will have to go through it. Being in the valley is excruciating. I don’t want to be sick so I must make a decision.

[@amelaamelajiang493]

My title is with God the throne .they can't take aways.✍️

[@stevehix1656]

I'm going to correct your thinking on you good Doctor. You say that cheater's could be good people that do bad thing's.Wrong cheater's are BAD people doing BAD things!!!!!!!!! Re write the shrink book's.

[@VanessaSimon26]

We are human beings. It’s called being human. Good people do bad things. And let’s not even get into the trauma of being in a sexless marriage and being neglected emotionally and sexually for more than 10 years.

[@rickmckillip7382]

My coach was a joke

[@amelaamelajiang493]

Lots lice ......... Country

[@jeupshaw]

Sorry, this is the worst advice I have ever heard. Let the cheater make the decision to go or stay. If they stay, what if they do it again. Once someone strays, you can never trust them again. If they strayed , it means there is something you can't give them. Let them continue screwing around while you wait for them....NO WAY!

[@et821]

😊

[@et821]

😊

[@markmcdaniel304]

Polyamorous is the future!

[@sharonammirati2042]

But must be a mutual decision, this is. vital.

[@markmcdaniel304]

@@sharonammirati2042 of course. That is what polly is. Not just cheating around and hurt someone.

[@eventhere2788]

Not for me!

[@bchandler81]

OMFG, this is horrible advice. This is the level of advice you’d give a desperate person.

[@chestersykes5124]

Hey guys, I got drunk at an xmas works party and (inexplicably) made repeated passes at a younger female colleague. It's not me and was definitely alcohol-induced (I don't drink much these days and am out of practise). Still, the girl in question sang and my wife ended up finding out. My wife feels what I did was inexcusable. I feel this MeToo business is leading to too much man-bashing, but that's an argument for another day. I sent the girl in question some flowers as an apology and one thing led to another and we are now going out for coffee (she said it would take a lot more than flowers in the mail). Should I tell my wife, or should I clean up my mess without any fanfare? I'm confused because I do like the co-worker as a friend and want to keep things going if it does go south with the wife (who is 10 years older than the girl). I don't want to get divorced though since I do still love my wife and kids if she is cool with things. I bought a gift for the girl from work (some earrings) but made sure to buy the exact same thing for my wife. Any suggestions on how to play this hand would be welcome. Thanks in advance.

[@dannyp8503]

Stop doing this shit man. Its cheating

[@lynaydirdenable]

You’re wrong period

[@efthymis]

So, you want an advice on how to keep both your wife, while she HAS to forgive you somehow, and the girl from work who is younger and you have to keep her just in case you split with your wife. And meanwhile you are buying gifts to your affair and want to take her out etc. Come on , seriously? Do a favour to everyone, decide what you want and stop lying or cheating.