My Wife’s a Hoarder (She Won’t Admit It!)

[@kathleenherron594]

I had a friend who finally allowed me inside her house. I was shocked. I asked if she needed help, and she begged. We set a date to start, and she was thankful. The day of the cleaning, she called to cancel. Her husband refused, and I was never allowed back. Hoarding isn’t a cleaning issue. It’s a mental health issue with many layers.

[@mandicl1937]

My grandparents are the same way. They wont get rid of literally anything. There is no room to move in their house. I try to help them move things or get rid of useless crap and just cant let anything go. Yet they say you can throw it all away when they are gone... thanks a lot leave it all for us to get rid of. Then they wonder why we never wanna be in their home.

[@helenahandkart1857]

Poor lady

[@PoshPigsHerd]

I have a very similar experience. I went over to a new friend’s house for the first time and I was completely shocked by what I saw. Clothes and toys in piles everywhere. Stains on the carpet which looked like it hadn’t been vacuumed in years crumbs and food on the floor, furniture, countertops. It was devastating. She had asked me over because she knows I love interior design and she likes how I have my house decorated so she wanted me to help her pick paint colors, fabrics, decor, etc. for her home. It’s like she didn’t even realize that none of that was possible with the house in the state it was in… We tried setting appointments for me to come over and help her clean and declutter but it was just cancellation after cancellation. After she flaked 4 or 5 times, I just let it go. I haven’t been to her house since and we’ve sort of drifted apart since then. 😕

[@joane24]

Absolutely. Even when it gets clean, they'll clutter the space again in no time, unless they get commited to the process of getting their mental health issues/hoarding managed. It's difficult and multi-faceted. And in some cases, such as if due to dementia, there's no real chance for it getting better. But in some other cases it might.

[@7yorker7]

You're right - 100%

[@Anna-ov4ty]

One thing that helped me was taking a picture of my space and looking at it. I can't really see clutter, but photos change the perspective somehow.

[@rubybegonia7052]

Ditto !

[@msbeecee1]

That's a great suggestion!! Similar to seeing myself in photos helps me see my weight

[@lorip4051]

This is a great idea!

[@oops-iam708]

Ya same

[@lulumoon6942]

DEFINITELY

[@TiffanyAbeyta-nd6os]

Do not back down. My husband confronted me on my germaphobia four years ago after i continued to deny that it was progressively getting worse and reached its peak in 2020. It was so painful to face the music, but i will forever be grateful for his courage and tough love, to protect our children and help me through my mental health issues. Because in the end, it wasn't about the germs but the festering trauma that i needed to heal from. i couldn't do it alone, but I also needed to be held accountable.

[@TalkativeTamara33]

🙏 keeping the likes at 222 as it's an angel number 🙈

[@MarieZ17833]

I knew someone like this. Hoarding was brought on by childhood trauma and not having access to food. Hoarding was a reaction to scarcity.

[@penelope5500]

Yes. On the other hand, there are plenty of people who have childhood trauma & don't become hoarders. There are people who are depressed & they don't become hoarders either. I'm not sure it is understood what causes hoarding.

[@Datura981]

@@penelope5500 Individual neurology is as unique as fingerprints... the exact same stimuli on different people will have different results. The person in OP's case might have been traumatized by food scarcity. My dad was born in the early 40's and suffered food scarcity, so he hoarded food as well. But, he also hoarded tools because he was a mechanic and the food scarcity growing up caused him to be hyper-vigilant with resources that allowed him to *buy* food. My mother, OTOH, had a narcissistic mother that would abuse her terribly. One of the ways she did this was by a consistent pattern of destroying my mother's favorite belongings as "punishment." This included things like keepsakes my mother would make-- Mother's Day cards, Christmas thank you notes, pictures from school, high-grade tests... she broke my mother's sense of self by not allowing her to have more than the bare minimum to survive. In turn, my mother hoarded EVERYTHING we kids ever put our hands on. She bought us way too many toys, sometimes things we didn't even want. She was vicariously living out the childhood she never got to have through us. Ultimately, she just inflicted a different type of abuse on us, and when we grew up beyond the reach of her limited coping mechanism, she succumbed to drug addiction. In MOST cases of hoarding, trauma is very closely tied with the habit.

[@BBlair-if8tj]

@@penelope5500Usually, the primary is anxiety.

[@OGK-1414]

​@@penelope5500it's a different response to trauma. All trauma is not the same, all people are not the same therefore all responses are not the same Some people become perfectionist, greedy millionaires, alcoholics, drug addicts, narcissists abusing others, hermits, SERIAL KILLERS (look it up) and hoarders. 13:18

[@millier.206]

My mother in law has it and she didn’t live a life of scarcity…

[@DK-qx3lv]

My brother was a hoarder and an alcoholic who died in his hoard. I helped my sisters clean it up and over 2,000 lbs of trash were taken from the room he was in. I had to fight back the need to puke as he would lay in his bed and spit his lungers on the wall and pissed in empty liquor bottles. We wore full hazmat gear to clean it as my parents are too old and tired to do it. When I came home, I watched the entire season of the new hoarders. It helped to put a lot into perspective and caused me to get rid of things in my home I had been holding onto for no good reason. However, I do think that experience has hurt me deeply and need to examine that more closely.

[@sarahdiana8934]

😭 I am so sorry for your loss and this awful experience. Something is wrong with how mental health care Is accessed in this country. I know full blown hoarders are resistant, but somewhere along the way maybe your brother could have been helped by a group therapy experience or a season living in a mental health group home....I don't know, something.

[@dking1362]

How painful for you. I hope you can get some counseling to help work through this trauma.

[@terrilloyd3691]

I’m so sorry. That must have been very difficult. 😢

[@valeriebarnoski1319]

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that! 😢 My heart goes out to you and your family! 🙏❤️

[@mcrchickenluvr]

Watching that show made me realize just what my foster grandmother lived through. She and her husband were both amazing humans with tons of love. That love went into their kids and their foster kids, one of whom was my dad. The kids made things for her that she kept. They also went through a lot of loss. They lost 2 of their biological kids. One of which was at the hands of police officers in a horrible case of being the wrong place at the wrong time. Then one of her kids made some mistakes that put him in prison for several years. Papa Bill also passed away after being sick with cancer for several years. That all added up and turned what was once a beautiful 4 bed 3 bath 2600 sq ft home into a giant dump site. Even the garage, front and back porches, and front and back yards were full. When Diane passed away her living son and daughter and I had to clean it up. She’d converted the attached garage into a 4th bedroom. After we got it cleaned we had to take it down to the studs and remodel it. But there’s not much creepier than standing in what was once a hallway and having a rat walk across your foot. I’m not usually scared or rats but damn if I didn’t jump about a foot and punt that thing through the closest window.

[@wicklander855]

Been married to my hoarder wife for 26 yrs. I had to move out and get my own place. It was the only thing that made her understand. Especially when my son moved in with me a week later. She saw the light. You dont have to leave her! Just move out, but stay married!

[@claudiaritter235]

I did the same thing. I moved about a mile away from my husband of 38 years. I just always wanted a nice respectable clean home… my spouse and I are closer emotionally now that we have our own places. We see each other every day, we have meals together, we date and life is so much easier. My daughter and grandchildren have a beautiful home to visit. It’s spacious because there aren’t piles and boxes and random crap ever where. My husband was a in shock for a week when I informed him that I had bought a house and was moving out in a week. He never asked why because he knew. I am done with trying to change him. There is something constitutionally wired into him that makes him like this. He’s a good man. There is a sadness that we can’t reside together in the “fantasy “ . But I have the next best thing. A faithful husband and friend. Life ain’t perfect. But it’s pretty damn good. Best years of my life.

[@rebeccashields9626]

I was thinking this. If they can afford it, he could move out for a while and give her time to get help, and maybe they could eventually get back together. The baby has to leave, but that doesn’t mean all hope is lost.

[@RG-hf4et]

You & your son are good people.

[@Przepoczwarzenie]

Why the f you just didnt clean. Ffs

[@Tarasyoutube]

THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. Their responses are so punitive and harmful in such severe ways to the woman he took his vows with and their poor child: really? Losing a mom is such a cavalier warranting event? Horrifically painful more like it and life destroying

[@sbnsbaker1]

After 50 years I finally figured out why I hoarded more and more stuff !! My father worked for a company that required him to move every year around the United States. So every year after school got out we would move somewhere else. When we arrived at our next house, each time realizing that all my stuff as a child was gone. My mother said that she was not moving items to the next house. We would unpack boxes and ALL my childhood favorites were gone. This happened year after year. As an adult, I started collecting items and becoming VERY PROTECTIVE of anything that I had. Now come forward 50 years, I can now separate my childhood trauma and loss from being a mature adult and not needing stuff to make me WHOLE!!!!!!!

[@GracieAdams-y6n]

Well said!!

[@hannaheddy5829]

I'm proud of you 🎉

[@nunya257]

I’m so sorry you were treated like that. Congratulations on working through it.

[@halfbreedchuck3311]

Same with me . Now that I own my home. I started to keep stuff. Buy shoes jewelry cloths and I don't wear .my dad was kill in the war. Zone. We moved a lot in the military. . I can open a store all my closets are full. I do keep my self clean and my home. But I know I have a problem.needed help don't know how to asked for it pray for me please

[@caroljeeben7064]

I am proud of you for addressing and working through it.

[@candyluna2929]

If something falls on the baby who is soon going to be walking, they'll investigate and theyll both be arrested for neglect

[@ginajoseph8776]

Amen!

[@LeeLee-mn4dv]

He's in denial too. He isn't ready. Great call Dr. John.

[@djpuplex]

He even laughed when Delony asked if he was safe. He needs to bail.

[@clyubove]

@@djpuplexhe has a sick partner that’s a mother to his 7 month old! Bail? Insanely poor values.

[@alexisjankowski3281]

I agree the caller didn’t quite get it. He was stuck on her not admitting her hoarding proclivity, rather than recognizing it as a manifestation of something deeper

[@stuffykong]

I think he's avoidant / non-confrontational-- like he's afraid of the outcome of making all the asks/demands.

[@djpuplex]

@@stuffykong Most men are with the way the courts treat men getting divorced.

[@RG-hf4et]

Hoarders have severe depression. Mentally, they don't see "stuff". They see every object as a emotional attachment.

[@73cidalia]

There's also the lack of motivation and possibly the lack of physical energy. Apathy/depression, definitely.

[@Tweetycew1]

And ADHD as well as OCD issues.

[@RG-hf4et]

@@73cidalia Definately.

[@RG-hf4et]

@@Tweetycew1 Agree.👍

[@suen5006]

Some do. Some just have a hard time knowing what to do with objects. My family who live through the 30s Depression hoarded because they lived through the trauma of having nothing, and feeling like they couldn't waste anything, because they "might need it some day". I have some of that too and it makes it hard to get rid of things because you feel wasteful if you do. That thought was drummed in to me even though I wasn't born until '61.

[@princesjasmyn]

My moms a hoarder and I feel so sad for her because I know she’s not living her best life and she’s internally going through something, and has been for 40 years, that has taken over her. I pray that she get relief

[@PinkRose0910]

Have you asked her to try therapy?

[@KimSmith-b9v]

Make her take photos of her home. Make her watch the photos. It will be an eye opener.

[@djliamofficialpage]

I love that John can be so straight forward without making any caller feel bad. This is how it is...indeed

[@KarenAlexander-kx4xp]

My husband is a hoarder. This really got bad 5 years ago. No trash but just lots of stuff. The house got bad when he filled the garage. 2 full storage units and 3 sheds in the back yard Not one easy up, we have 5. 25 bars of soap I don’t have 1 clear room. I left for 5 months and came back because he said he needed help. He doesn’t help and then gets upset when I do. 45 yrs of marriage but I’m ready to leave for good. And I hear the “I’m working on it “ so many times.

[@flowers3036]

I'm in the same situation husband is full on hoarder it's getting worse not allowed to touch anything seacans sheds garages all full to the brim I'm not allowed any space but the house is in my name. How are things going presently for you. I guess I need to sign the house over to him and start over

[@cynthiathomas5754]

My mom put up with a very similar situation until the day she died. Yet my dad had nothing nice to say about her. So I helped him move after my mom died. I busted my butt cleaning out his house so that he made $$$ selling it. I found him a town, house and medical system in the state he wanted to live.We went together. He is 91. Now he is filling this new property with stuff. He totalled his truck in his own back yard. He used the whole family to clean up his crap for decades. Some hoarders are not just traumatized, they are unfixable pathological personalities that see others as objects...Actually, less valuable than their precious stuff.

[@mattr.1887]

Thank you for sharing that.

[@findingaway5512]

Dr John you should interview Matt Paxton. He worked on hoarders and is now a minimalist. He has seen all the extremes and offers lots of insights on what helps and what doesnt. I think you two would be a great interview together. ❤

[@Xsilif]

My mother was a hoarder & became one when she had kids. She saved everything (including trash) and filled 2 houses. All that was left was a pathway from the garage, up the basement stairs to the main bedroom. Even when she was dying she defended it. After she passed we found out she had 6 storage units (large enough to fit a car), the first one being rented for over 30 years prior to her death. 200k of her of her inheritance was missing & we believe she spent it (and more) on those units.

[@meganhulatt6779]

I'm so sorry it took over her life so much that you had to deal with the mess afterwards but were pushed away by her out of control and secret ways when she was alive x

[@helenaquin1797]

Ohh.. how sad. I'm so sorry..😔

[@Cyber_Diva]

I am so sorry that hoarding cost you so much!😢

[@deedouglas636]

That is tragic… I am sorry🙏

[@Elizabeth-uj8vn]

That’s horrible! I’m sorry you have to go through that.

[@2232Serena]

Dirty diapers and pestilence? Get the baby out now!

[@cathrynm]

really, run away. Just get out of there.

[@anndeecosita3586]

Having dealt with a relative who is a hoarder, I can tell you arguing, begging, threatening, cleaning up yourself does not help. They have to admit they have a problem just like any addiction and change for themselves. I used to drive two hours one way from my house to clean once a month and when I came back it was like I hadn’t done anything or maybe worse. And some of it was just trash like wrappers or food that could easily have gone in the garage can. Then there was also merchandise the person kept buying. A lot of which had never been opened. They would accuse the family of not helping but then when we go to help they refuse to throw anything away or they want to see every little thing because they might need that Radio Shack receipt from 1983. Not just the house because once it took hours to clean out her truck. My relative eventually admitted to being a hoarder but not to get help. I have realized that I am still dealing with unresolved anger over years of dealing with this situation.

[@dking1362]

I can't imagine how painful this was for you. The hoarders themselves seem unable to see how much hurt this causes their loved ones....part of the illness, I suppose.

[@ericb8413]

I get angry just watching the show Hoarders because these people cause so much misery to their family. Then when the cleaners come to fix it the hoarder acts like a 2 year old having a tantrum. It’s maddening.

[@goodintentions1302]

As a hoarder who has been in recovery for years I have to say that it takes a special, specific therapist. Most therapists I saw were of zero help despite my describing my issues & desperately wanting to change. KZbin has been a bigger help to me than even my best professional therapist.

[@violet9486]

I was married to a hoarder for 34 years. It's the one thing we really argued about. When he left he started hoarding at his mothers house. Her place is now overwhelmed with he's junk and she's to old to fight it. Hoarders need help, and the people around them also need support.

[@sydguitar99]

Being a hoarder in NYC is crazy, you already have way less space than a house in the suburbs so I can't imagine hoe bad it is

[@Hype2k23]

Hoe works too 😂

[@alwaysyouramanda]

Less money too. Why waste it on STUFF?

[@sydguitar99]

@@alwaysyouramanda if hoarding was a logical issue then it wouldn't exist

[@AlyssaTaylor9]

​@@sydguitar99Thats a good point, its not like she woke up one day and decided to be a hoarder despite having a small space.

[@sydguitar99]

@@AlyssaTaylor9 exactly, it's mental illness

[@lamar1423]

Sounds like post-partum depression is exacerbating an already bad situaton.

[@ginajoseph8776]

Call CPS. That child is in real danger. This will most likely end the friendship, but is necessary.

[@cb1623]

@@ginajoseph8776 unfortunately they are known not to be a good solution for the child.

[@TEDOGIRL02]

@@ginajoseph8776that would worsen the situation and cops fails so much. It would be better to send the child with a trusted family member or have designated rooms to start like he said.

[@lynnmac6494]

​@@ginajoseph8776Because the risk of child sex trafficking is better??!

[@Puppies-z9h]

He sounds like a really good man who loves his wife and baby and is confused and torn by what to do. I genuinely feel for him. I wish I could take this problem away for him. Wave a wand and poof it's gone, you know?

[@thefcleary]

I disagree. He says he yells at her and threatens to leave her. She’s already insecure, so he’s making it worse.

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

No one is perfect, he yelled, he threatened to leave, but he has tried talking, buying bigger houses, suggesting therapy. He’s not a licensed professional with expertise in this area. I don’t agree with vilifying him for being SCARED for the health & safety of their 8 month old baby.

[@Datura981]

@@thefcleary It is very, very hard to maintain grace at all times with someone suffering from addiction and mental illness, especially when you feel your whole world starting to spiral out from under you, too. He clearly loves her and wants her to get help, he's just scared, depressed, and confused.

[@2021noname]

@@Datura981I have yelled at my own mother about hoarding. I lost my temper and self respect and I never want to go back to try and help again because it caused me too much shame - it’s a shameful environment and it feels so crazy trying to explain why each piece of trash needs to be tossed. It’s insane and it’s hard to maintain a normal response

[@cortneyrens]

Sucker: agreed, the hoarders are the ones causing the victims (family and friends) to naturally react to their messed up situation. Like other commenters have said it is abusive to make others have to deal/live with their hazardous conditions. Sorry you had to deal with your mom doing that!

[@TCAPRecipes]

I grew up in a family like this. It was a nightmare. I still have a parent that does this.

[@TheYazmanian]

I feel your pain

[@Jennswellnesschannel]

My mother was a severe hoarder. Hoarding destroys lives

[@TCAPRecipes]

@@Jennswellnesschannel it sure does. Glad I live alone and don't have to deal with it.

[@gmarie3053]

Same. I still have nightmares of the roaches and filth

[@TCAPRecipes]

@@gmarie3053 me too. I've called out of work to clean my house when it's already clean

[@Lil-Whiskies]

I know a couple of hoarders and I've noticed they completely dominate the home environment, not just physically but emotionally. Anybody who lives with them has to be a passive person who backs down when the arguing about the "stuff" starts or they break up and leave earlier in the relationship because they won't put up with it.

[@anndeecosita3586]

It depends because I know someone who was a hoarder living with her parents. She kept the hoarding confined to her room while her father was alive because he was the dominant person plus she didn’t have access to all of the rooms. We call her bedroom “the closet” because you couldn’t hardly get in it. One dad died the hoarding started to spread because the mom was more docile. When mom died the hoard took over the house.

[@vivablitzkrieg]

Combine it with a jobless druggie and you have my situation I’m currently in

[@helenaquin1797]

I had a roommate for a (thankfully) brief while that was like this. She had a ton of totes stored in the garage and brought them inside to reorganize their contents with labels and so on. It really overtook things and she was seemingly oblivious.

[@vivablitzkrieg]

@@helenaquin1797 bringing bugs in with if they’re stored in the garage. Oh there I go again letting the bug obsessive druggie get to me..

[@gribble2979]

This exactly describes my friend who is a hoarder. She isn’t depressed, she grew up with loving parents who were quite wealthy, and she never lacked for anything. But in her home it’s like she’s the Sun and her husband and children are all in her orbit. It’s the weirdest thing to watch all of them.

[@ngo7156]

My dad was a hoarder. We lived in a 3000 square foot ranch style home with 3 beds, 2 and 1/2baths with full size basement , two car garage and full attic. The main level was fine but the basement and two car garage were completely full. My cat even had trouble walking around down there! Lol We had to rent a tractor trailer size dumpster to empty stuff out after my dad died. Also, we had a twenty something year old large, broken van, a thirty something year old broken car, a 1950's car in pieces, a 1965 Jeep(actually still ran), and a commercial size tractor with different lawn/farm attachments! I believe I am a hoarder also but am in therapy. I have had several traumas since childhood and have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Luckily, I don't hold onto garbage or expired food. I gave up some collections that cluttered rooms. I think I was making myself a cocoon to protect myself. I am also fortunate to have a supportive husband. ❤ 😊

[@Tiffany-lo6hc]

Your cocoon analogy is so apt. Every hoarder I've met is trying to protect themselves from deep, deep pain. The brain is MAGICAL in that it's simultaneously creating this nest AND giving the hoarder the ability to deny how awful their living situation is.

[@cyn5962]

It's not easy to acknowledge you have this issue and to go to therapy. You made a good choice abd by addressing your hoarding, your life will change and improve.

[@ngo7156]

@@cyn5962 Thank you! 😊

[@ngo7156]

@@Tiffany-lo6hc I actually got it from watching the TV show Hoarders and I feel it describes myself. When I see things starting to pile up I need to tell myself to address it. Thanks for your comment! 😊

[@KimSmith-b9v]

Well done! Watching hoarder TV shows helps a lot of people. Also watch Swedish Death Cleaning. Most of the things we have just burden us and even worse it burden the family. Make family and friends get good memories of you instead of burden them with stuff they don't want. 👍

[@reviewsgoodnbad7695]

I was raised in a horrific home - with a worse than worse hoarder. Nice, rats, bugs, mold, dust, webs for literally years. Still have scars from the bug bites

[@CarinaAbramovic-sh8ej]

So sorry 😢

[@amydoran9987]

I had a roommate that was a hoarder. People like this rarely admit they have an issue. CPS needs to be called eventually. Their child deserves better.

[@HH-kg4fq]

They do change, when they feel seen and heard. Hoarding is just the manifestation of feelings.

[@GMAMEC]

Some people call it clutter blindness. This woman needs some major help. He has an uphill battle. The chid doesn't't need to be exposed to this. The hoarding habits, unsanitary conditions, bad odors, disorder and embarrassment will adversely impact the child.

[@raizinboyz]

No CPS - child prostitution service

[@oliviastar3812]

Good to see someone on here has some compassion and understanding/wisdom. Shocking how quickly it's suggested/inferred in the interview that the guy might leave his wife - thought it was for better OR worse? Easy enough to say on the wedding day@@HH-kg4fq

[@rebeccashields9626]

@@HH-kg4fqonce you have a kid though, your “see and heard” phase is over and the suck it up phase has to begin. If you are raising a child in piles of dirty diapers and bugs that is neglect. The safety of the child has to come first.

[@thatsfunny2051]

This poor guy sounds totally broken. Imagine having to live in filth like that. Absolutely disgusting. What a nightmare.

[@melissam7067]

totally agree

[@loriolson1143]

I have to wonder about why he married her

[@desireesalas5820]

And he works while she's home all day accumulating even more stuff. That's the icing on the cake.

[@salmacorrales8992]

Stop judging. She's ill

[@bwenluck9812]

He could get someone in to help with the mess, *or* he could step up and deal with it himself....

[@sp-cn8pm]

I lived with a hoarder in NYC. She was completely in denial and said it was a move in phase or my stuff. Everyone around her enabled it ridiculously under the guise of 'caring'. It was encouraged as a way to control her from what I saw. I had multiple talks with her about it and told her it's been a year without progress, it isn't a phase. It's who she is. You could tell it clicked, but she was mad about it. Dunno if she ever cleaned up, I was pretty done.

[@RG-hf4et]

This has been going on for a while, so it didn't start as postpartum depression.

[@TheOtherBoobJustDropped]

It does sound like it’s gotten worse since the baby was born though. Mental health struggles make any mental health issues you already had worse. If she already had a case of hoarding disorder and then became depressed and had a huge life change (leaving work and having a baby) that could definitely send her into a spiral

[@TEDOGIRL02]

It said exacerbated by it.

[@lorrainemacgillivray4722]

I helped a friend get rid of stuff because she was moving, I had 8 car loads , I have suv , it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, the attachment she had with huge garbage bags of old stuffed animals was just plain scary, I had no idea she was this disturbed, it as a Herculean task to get her to part with anything

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

The other hazard if FIRE! Ask any first responder in a Fire department or Emergency EMT/Paramedic who have gone on these calls. So, Dr. John, I don’t think designating 1 or 2 rooms as a “Hoarder-Free” zone is SAFE. Sorry.

[@KENTUCKYUSA1]

Pests like rats and roaches do not respect hoarder free zones.

[@carolapostolos8929]

I think that's just the beginning of the long process to try to work through this dysfunction.

[@texasgoddess323]

He is passive. That’s why she married him, so she could run her own program. He needs to document the mess, bugs, dirty diapers, etc. on video and pics. Have evidence! Get an attorney for legalities and to ensure that you have full custody of the baby while she gets help. After having that hard conversation and giving her a chance to get help, if she doesn’t get help, take the baby and move to a safe clean place. She will be forced to make a change, get a job, and hopefully get help. Once she gets help, you can come back together. Absolutely DO NOT barricade you and your baby in a couple of rooms, while she hoards everywhere else!😳

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

I agree 100%, Dr. John is NOT facing the reality of the FIRE hazard. Ask ANY first responder who has had experience with a hoarder’s house on fire!

[@x-mess]

A thousand percent agree…. GET OUT… SHE’S AN ADDICT to the hoard… she makes no room for her family… it’s absolutely selfish.. take pictures and videos… BRING WITNESSES… do not let this slide.

[@33Jenesis]

He’s an enabler for sure. She knows it. If he’s the type that puts foot down and leaves for good, she wouldn’t have trapped him in this hole he feels hopeless.

[@solsticebaby]

Exactly. I was commenting the same thing. I watched this with my mother-in-law and how she treated my father-in-law. My father-in-law was an absolute wet noodle and let my mother-in-law take over the whole house. My husband grew up crawling over piles. There's mold on the ceilings in that house. There are hazards everywhere. I drew a firm boundary when I entered that family and I said my children if I ever had them which I since have. I said my children would never ever ever enter that home as long as she was a hoarder. And she kicked and she screamed and she used every chicken in the book to try and get my husband to go against me. But I simply held my ground and used logic and did not let my boundary bend. You better believe that woman is scared to death of me because she knows she can't push me. I love her very much but under no circumstances will that nonsense happen to her grandchildren as long as I've got anything to say about it. My father-in-law wound up dying in a hospital because he couldn't go home because she had the house so full of garbage. That finally snapped my husband out of it

[@texasgoddess323]

@@solsticebaby I am so glad that you have officially broken a generational curse! You absolutely did the right thing! Love and light to you!💚

[@ladytea697]

He’s put up with this for too long. Why have a baby with a hoarder? He needs to take his child and go. Be brave and do what’s right for your child.

[@TB-rx1ue]

As a mom of 3, I’d rather die than have my children taken from me. That may be a good motivator if threats work in this situation.

[@deirdrekiely6187]

It's clear the wife wears the pants in the family.

[@lisahinkofer2085]

Your child is what’s important in this situation. It’s up to you as a father to protect your child. Leave. Take the baby and go.anything is better than living in this mess. What total chaos. If CPS. Gets involved you could lose the baby. This is neglect of the baby.

[@GNW-wr5hk]

I had a medical issue where I was exhausted. I was constantly sick and lived by myself. My house was a wreck. I had a cleaner come in, and she told me this is thr beginning of hoarding. 3 months later I moved and gave away/threw away 90% of everything I owned and moved across the country with 2 bags. It depends on the person and their physical, mental and emotional condition.

[@er6730]

I have ADHD and easily get to the beginning stages of hoarding. If anything goes wrong, grief or an injury or a busy month, things build up and clutter and unfinished projects pile up. I also tend to keep things like empty jars and toilet paper rolls (to use for something!) and then it gets to be a huge pile and I suddenly realize that this is completely unreasonable. However, it's more of a problem with decision making and remembering to take care of things in a timely manner. When I feel better/am less busy/have a reason to do it like my sister's coming for a visit and needs the spare room, it's easy to clean it up. I'm not confused about whether people or things are more important, I'm just a bit scatterbrained when it comes to keeping house, mixed with a lot of creativity and wishing to keep things out of the landfill by reusing them. However, that's no reason to turn my house into a landfill, and periodically I bustle through and make sure it's not turning into one. I don't think it's quite the same, even though it kind of looks the same. For myself, going fairly minimalist has helped. That way even if everything in the house gets all mixed around, it's still not such a huge deal to clean it up.

[@GNW-wr5hk]

@er6730 Exactly. I think minimalism helps to get rid of the chaos. Its very freeing and feels so good walking into a clean home. I also went to target & Walmart and organized via a shredder and a fireproof box. Mail can add to clutter real quick.

[@inbornwanderlust1076]

​@@er6730 I also have ADHD and am the same way, but my mom is a hoarder with the emotional attachment, so I know the genes are there. Like you, if I get derailed by anything, the stuff becomes a problem quick. In fact, I just got myself out of an accidental hoard because of that. It just got to the point where I was unable to tackle it and still keep up with my daily living tasks also. I kept trying and trying to no avail, and because I kept failing my mental health went down really badly. I needed help to get out, but with the help and as long as I had my meds, I was able and fully willingly and happily do it. But I sadly know this will end up a lifelong struggle for me. You have to start building in fail-safes now just to make sure you can handle it, because if not you've gotta get help asap. For instance, you could make a rule that you don't for any reason keep empty jars or tp rolls. Doesn't matter if you might use them, because there will also be more, you just have to get rid of them as soon as they're empty. If you find, to your dismay, that hard to stick to, you have an easy red flag for yourself and know you have to dig deeper. One rule I made for myself is that if I buy anything I need to use it within a week or I return it. It helps prevent me from getting project things that then go untouched. If I'm not 100% ready to use it right now, then it can live at the store until I am. It is not easy, and that's exactly how I know how important it is.

[@liliyarotari8874]

That’s amazing!! How long has it been since you moved and how are you doing now w/clutter, minimalism, your health?

[@markmcilrath9530]

😅😅​@@er6730

[@MementoMori395]

My stepmother is a hoarder, and my advise is RUN, Dude, RUN!!! She has made my dad's life miserable, and in turn made me and my older sister sad, as we watch him suffer. Sure it's a crazy mental thing, but it's also a selfish greed thing too. Nothing makes her meaner than trying to clean up her pig sty. My dad pays for everything while she spends her money on worthless stuff nobody needs, and today their house is a dump. When they die, it needs to be knocked down, cause it's that bad. A lot of people are going to say " be supportive" " You need to try doing this or that". I say don't even bother, because only maybe 1 out of 1000 will try to change, the odds are against you. Their stuff, including clothes 2 decades old, broken lamps and half used mayo jars are more important to them then you are. They will pick their junk over you. You will spend you life working to pay for their choices, you will never be able to work less or retire comfortably, while they acquire more and more stuff. Leave! If she wants you bad enough, she'll de-hoard while you are running down the street away from her.

[@Ttcalisthenics]

This is what I was thinking. We gotta stop feeling bad for people like this, because a lot of time they don’t wanna do anything to change. If they recognized their downfall and tried to change that’s a different story.

[@starlingswallow]

Well said OP

[@33Jenesis]

Well said! I don’t feel bad for ppl who don’t want to change or haven’t reached the point of needing g to change. I can’t force these ppl to live a better life because my definition of better is not their better.

[@mirrormirror444]

I feel bad for them because their sick and they don’t know how to get better. It doesn’t mean enable their behavior, hold them accountable but also call a doctor. You don’t get angry at a person acting strange with a brain tumor, just because you can’t see their illness in their brain doesn’t mean it’s not there.

[@No._1_Karen]

This comment makes a lot of sense to me. Stating that hoarders will “choose their half empty mayonnaise jars over their relationship” really struck a chord with me. Any time someone has an addiction or disorder, the addiction or disorder always wins. Alcoholics will always choose their alcohol over their marriage. Gambling addicts will choose their slot machines. Sex addicts will choose their prostitutes, affairs, and porn. Workaholics will choose their job. People with anorexia will choose starvation. Hoarders will choose hoarding over their spouse, family, and kids. In my late twenties I left an alcoholic I had been with for three years and a year later he was dead - died in a motorcycle accident. He chose the addiction.

[@AbbaJoy1]

I'll never forget the woman on a hoarding show: they encouraged her to take an everyday rock she was saving and throw it really far into a field. After she threw it and they clapped, she sadly said, " I had plans for that rock." I enjoy crafts and there are so many ideas how to make junk into -- pretty junk. I'm off work this week and am decluttering my craft supplies. ( I don't keep rocks.) Pinterest and DIY videos can make it harder for people who struggle with this. I've had to choose my hobby of choice and limit everything else. BUT I'm a teacher who occasionally has to provide craft projects ....

[@P2Zip]

I'm the same way. I donate all sorts of craft things to my sisters school. I also am selling things on Ebay and donate to appropriate places of things I have. I have stopped buying craft stuff. I had to consolidate 2 houses and a 2 bdrm apt into my house. Still working on getting rid of stuff. Thankfully trash does not sit in my house for long. I do recognize the difference.

[@Monae6890]

This is so hard my heart breaks for him, but he really needs to take their baby out of a dangerous situation….

[@michele21auntiem]

I have a family member who does this. It is devastating.

[@alleykeosheyan4779]

And they can't be cured.

[@claudiaj2138]

@@alleykeosheyan4779sure it can, but much like addiction treatment it only works if they want it to work

[@TheYazmanian]

Same here. It's awful. And the people they live with enable it. It sucks so much

[@bennyjoey8444]

How do u know they can’t be cured ? Are u a physician?

[@Datura981]

@@alleykeosheyan4779 Wrong.

[@alladreamwedreamed]

This was my first husband. He thought of himself as a collector. There were collections, but also grocery bags and boxes full of papers and magazines, things the cats peed on or things that broke that he aspired to fix, endless momentos.. He would say oh i just need to get organized or clean up, but even if it was all organized in boxes it would fill the house to the point of only having walking paths around. He valued the clutter and stuff over anything else. I am SO glad I left when I did. 20 years later he is still in the same apartment, I can only imagine what it look like inside.

[@mattr.1887]

"I just need to get organized, that's all!" Yeah I've heard this too. "Getting organized" for them usually just means buying more stuff and creating an even bigger mess. When you don't have so much stuff in the first place, you don't have to worry about "organizing" everything.

[@pux0rb]

Both of my parents are hoarders and its really tough. The worst part isnt even the amount of stuff. Its the destroyed ceilimg from the leaking tub, the flooded basement, the mold, the peeling paint and outdated interiors and appliances that will NEVER be fixed because it is impossible to physically reach them. All of my dads old electronics and hobby memorabilia sits out on the floor and every surface stacked to the ceiling while shelves and storage cabinets sit ENTIRELY EMPTY. Its so frustrating because ive never wanted to invite friends over or get close with anyone in my life and now as a 29 year old who spend this last week tearing down walls and ripping up carpets after this latest basement flood, I'm really resenting my parents.

[@FancyRPGCanada]

My family has a tendency to hoard. My grandfather had a whole building just for rusted old car parts. He did complete rebuilding several antique cars, but even so, the amount of rusted junk was staggering. I have to check myself constantly to not fall into the hoarding problem

[@Rachel-ul8et]

I know what you mean! My grandma was a hoarder and when we had to clean her house out I changed forever. If I don’t need it, it goes

[@donnamurphy5698]

My mother was a depressive horder that came from 13 miscarriages, and 2 premies, trying to appease my father's demand of having a son. He ended up with 2 daughters and resented both of us until he died.

[@shaunalea823]

She needs to deal with the trauma as to why she’s doing this before she can do anything else. It is evident that something very deep and dark is causing this.

[@Dangeresque_2]

Lack of insight is often a huge part of hoarding disorder unfortunately. The brain literally can’t operate in a way that allows self reflection similar to schizophrenia. It’s way beyond bad habits and willpower. It’s a serious mental illness, medication and lots of therapy is really needed. IOCDF has support for loved ones.

[@strawberrywishes33]

I wouldn’t be able to wrap my head around letting my 8month old crawl around in that….Hell I get scared about what bugs my farm dogs are bringing into the house if they come in…He could get sooooo sick! Brother, get your kid and you out of there til she gets the help she needs!

[@FireSilver25]

My grandmother was a hoarder and it was horrifying. There was only a narrow path through her house and next to her bed. A cousin and I cleaned part of her room and she let us for a while but got mad and left. We kept going and got it safer, which we tried to explain to her but it was filled back up in a few weeks. What I’ve noticed is people who suffered severe losses or were violated in the past will hang onto things as insulation. If she’s in denial and won’t get help he needs to take that baby and leave. If that doesn’t wake her up nothing will. If she can’t face she has a serious problem it’s time to consult a divorce lawyer. My heart goes out to this family.

[@GracieAdams-y6n]

I’m 71 years old…My mom was a hoarder and I can tell you…PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!don’t stay for the sake of the baby. She will be a mentally-ill, head case by the time she’s 12 steeped in a LIFETIME OF SHAME!!! Shame that was really her mom’s and she did not deserve!! Tell her it’s her crap OR you and the baby BUT NOT BOTH!! Then stick to it if you love your daughter!!! The child will live in isolation, without friends because she will be too embarrassed to have friends over and she will be an object of ridicule and bullying because of her mom and that’s REALLY, REALLY UNFAIR!!! Get her out of there NOW!!!! Please!!! I know what I’m talking about!!! Also, don’t give her ANY MONEY or credit cards!! Stop the source of her sickness!!

[@leamubiu]

My mother divorced my dad because he was abusive. She stayed in this foreign country by court order to raise me, and her way of coping was to hoard. I had to fight her to reclaim a room with a door that closes, and it took me 2 years to take the last of her stuff out and make it mine. The dynamics behind this behavior strained our relationship terribly, and I was forever resentful from my teenage years until her passing. She tried her best to protect me, yet this was quite traumatic.

[@martanieradka4675]

So unloving message! Your advice is an advice of mentally injured person.

[@plant495]

@@martanieradka4675 How is it unloving, please? Unloving to the hoarder, or baby?

[@Tradwifeintinyhouse]

​@martanieradka4675 So he should leave his daughter in a nasty house with a bad marriage and help this GROWN WOMAN while his daughter suffers..... Yeah that's responsible parenting!

[@Tradwifeintinyhouse]

​@martanieradka4675 funny the doc gave him the same advice....but I guess he's wrong too huh?

[@davidmilhouscarter8198]

I like these hoarder episodes. I used to be one. But over the past 2-3 years I’ve been doing a lot, a lot of decluttering. I was thinking “Why do I still have a calendar from 2019? So I can remember what the world was like before Covid? Because I liked the artwork?” I found out about the Minimalists through the Ramsey Show and now I’m a minimalist.

[@mjax8614]

I let a hoarder come and stay with me while waiting for a start date for professional help. I felt their home was uninhabitable, no access to the kitchen, no bed. Unfortunately they didn't co-operate with the tiny amount of help that came. And they started hoarding in my home, but by then I'd realised their physical problems were so serious that I was worried about their returning home without support. I kept trying different ways to source help, but none came. When I tried to speak about the hoarding the person would phone the police, who believed them at first and even allocated them a domestic abuse worker! I reached the point were I was a week away from being evicted. Total nightmare, and in the end the police took the decision away from me (after a few years!) and removed the person. So sad, personality seemed to be lost in the end. The attitude of mental health workers was "ring the police"!!!!! The person now has a new partner, someone else to take over the worry!

[@ez2u1]

GET OUT and take YOUR CHILD.

[@XxstuntkidXx]

So you think there’s no way for her to change??

[@pingupenguin2474]

He is saying the man needs to protect the baby by moving out. Not that nothing can be done. Or that the move will be permanent. John suggests therapy, and perhaps that will help.

[@XxstuntkidXx]

@@pingupenguin2474 yes but he should be there for support. IMO

[@CarolynP376]

Exactly! He needs to go and take the baby and no hoarders don’t change. This is sad.

[@ez2u1]

@@XxstuntkidXxthe odds are against changing..... she won't change until she has a harsh reality check for change, with therapy. We hope for change but the deep unresolved issue here takes serious time and commitment which she is far away from acknowledgement. The focus needs to be on making a stable environment for the child by the the healthy parent. Life can be better.

[@brandonbehar5216]

My mother is a hoarder, I recall throwing things out in secret and yet she would find out somehow and dig them out of the trash; followed shortly by a freak out. Love her, but I have been so much happier and the hatred I had towards my family has dissipated greatly since I moved out. Your best bet is to leave and move on.

[@millier.206]

That’s how my MIL is. My husband said he was not a hoarder but I’m finding that he’s one, too.

[@Rukey1982]

My mother is a hoarder. The house is cluttered. The carport, patio, back porch is loaded down with stuff. Objects in the yard. Every time I leave her house, I go to my house and start getting rid of stuff.

[@liesascott5414]

Hoarding is a neurotic disorder which is mostly based on severe deprivation in childhood. The only way to deal with it is an ultimatum. Either make it YOUR home with YOUR rules and have her agree to it or leave. You as man needs to file for custody because she is NOT able to properly take care of a child.

[@HauteHorizon]

I wonder if post-partum depression is exacerbating her hoarding habits. She needs help and support.

[@FrankS111]

Nope. He said she’s been like this since he’s known her but he just thought “she had a lot of stuff”. Nothing to do with post partum she has a big problem and needs to seek help if not he needs to take the children and go

[@doesnotFempute]

​@@FrankS111 that's why the said "exacerbated" instead of "caused.". If it was never to the point of having used tissues around before, but it is now, then it's possible a new (and more exhausting) living situation has made an existing problem even more severe.

[@randybobandy9828]

Nice excuse... She was doing it for 10 years before the baby.

[@MN-br5nb]

I tried to help a hoarder once bc the state was threatening to take her kids (her 10-yr old called on her) and she did not want my help everything I tried to take out she refused to trash it. He deserves to take his baby and go away for a month until she gets help, sorry the burden is on her to make the change. And hire a maid to come in weekly to maintain for your own mental sake!

[@Missy-Missy1111]

I walked into my best friend's house & when I saw the hoard, I said, "You are a hoarder." She responded. "Please don't say that." She has multiple childhood traumas. She claims she had dealt with the traumas when she was in counseling as a child. But she admits to being depressed & having PTSD. Her family & I think she may be Bipolar as well. If you tell her she may be Bipolar it is a trigger for her. She gets very angry. She desperately needs therapy but vehemently asserts that she doesn't. She is in total denial about her mental health. The hoarding is a fire hazard & she just had triple-by pass surgery. It's not safe for her or her family. How do you help someone who doesn't think anything is wrong with them?

[@annapainter2763]

You cant. That's the sad part. They need to have a desire to change and the self control to stick with treatment and not fall into old habits

[@littleripper312]

My dad said nothing in the living room, bathroom or kitchen and then he got his own bedroom. Mom hoarded to an extreme extent in her bedroom, basement and computer room but was able to follow that compromise. Not perfect but it was good enough for him

[@PinkRose0910]

It’s sad these people don’t get mental help,

[@lydiaanderson824]

My ex was a major hoarder. I laid down the law and took away one room at a time that his piles of stuff could not be in. We finally got to the point where his hoarding was in his office and on one side of the garage. It took years. I finally left for numerous reasons after decades. I should have left years before.

[@PoetiqueMs]

My husband is a hoarder. He hoards books, office supplies, papers, clothes etc. , so it can be stored more easily than some things. I keep house, so the house is clean, but it is still so frustrating. He did a huge purge once after I had started binge watching hoarders. Seriously. It was the first time I understood what was going on with him. You can't reason with them. They only get anxious and turn the situation around to somehow be your fault.

[@deirdrekiely6187]

Why did you marry a hoarder? Did you think he would change?

[@PoetiqueMs]

@@deirdrekiely6187 His hoarding was not at all apparent before we married. I couldn't have seen the future.

[@14catsand1human]

No excuse for hoarding or blaming victim to not like being in a hoarded place. It retards your life, mental health, career, relationship. My father trashed the house his parents left him. When asked to clean it up, he said "soon". It has been 40 years.

[@ERIKALLOYD-fs4en]

My mom is a Hoarder and its is a serious mental illness 😮 when they are confronted and attempt to throw things away, they react like they are literally being thrown out themselves. Only things Hoarders will discard is friends and family over the crap.

[@gwenj5419]

If he calls CPS, they could both lose custody. He probably needs to take the child and move out (maybe in with his parents) and then get full custody based on the hoarding. This might cause her to get the help she needs. Right now she has no motivation to admit the problem and go through the pain of therapy.

[@suzanneroelofse5970]

Sadly, it's unlikely to help her. Hoarding has been linked to loss, so taking her child will probably just cause her to spiral further. He does need to save himself and their child though. That baby is priority right now. 😢

[@rebeccaphelps3196]

Defend the physical, metal & emotional Welfare of the Child

[@aprillucas-boyle222]

Please label it as anxiety disorder, just as she would if it were diabetes to get medical treatment and counseling. Medication and illness management skills and counseling will be the biggest gift for each of you. The framing here and discussion is absolutely top notch!

[@AngelaBarth088]

I struggle with stuff as well. I need to clean my bedroom, but I have such a hard time with letting things go. I recently talked to my mom and she said she'll help me with the process

[@brideygene6921]

I was a child of a hoarder - I love my parents I would have never wanted to be removed from that situation. Yea it’s hard it still is! I stress about my constantly. Two homes 50 / 50 where the child can be not embarrassed and have friends over would be a better choice.

[@leslienelson438]

My sister is a major major hoarder and I believe it all stemmed from her being with our grandmother, who my sister adored, when she passed away right in front of her. My sister was only 12 years old. My sister is now 70 years old and still suffers.

[@bmbb608]

We got a call from the police in Arizona that a neighbor contacted them about a horrible smell outside my sister's home. They found her dead in such a hoarding disaster that the home was then condemned. She had estranged herself from our family years ago, but allowed one sister to stay in contact. My sister was in contact pretty regularly, went out west to visit while the house was still totally fine. My mom passed away, and I feel that may have triggered the behaviors that led to her living this lifestyle. She pretty much alwaya blamed my mom for all the problems in her life. Never took the opportunity to try to resolve this, though my mom did try over the years. I'm guessing the guilt and regret sent her spiraling, till she finally drank herself to death in a seriously neglected, hoarded, filthy home, pets were involved. Tragic situation.

[@yellowroses8736]

My Grandmother was a hoarder... She was the type where there was a path through her house and entire rooms closed off because they were piled to the ceiling. As a kid I hated to go over there, and eventually my parents stopped sending us there. No matter how much people tried to help her, she would not budge in her mindset. In the end, my dad and his brothers would go over to her house once a year and deep clean (throw stuff away in bulk, etc.). Sometimes they would even buy her new furniture because hers was so bad. She would get very angry with them, but they would do it anyway for her safety. Of course she never addressed her hoarding on a mental level because the next year it would be right back to the way it was and they would do it all over again. It was all very sad. In my grandmothers case, she had an abusive alcoholic husband and an abusive mother-in-law that lived with her for many years. My grandmother was extremely depressed and down on herself.

[@mystrength5640]

Sooo Sorry, mental abuse is awful!

[@alwaysyouramanda]

My mom. Only it was TRASH lumped with everything so nothing got saved in the end. We moved out and her bedroom had all kinds of photos of me when I was 2 at a beauty pageant.. she left them. She couldn’t even get into that room.

[@l-train7876]

So he’s known about this behavior for 10 years, but still decided to have a baby??? MASSIVE mistake.

[@Uncle-Smart-Alec]

He says the baby is safe.What happens when rodents show up.Having a baby in these circumstances is immoral, dangerous and must of all selfish.

[@smb0621]

It’s not okay to talk about people as “mistakes.” The baby is a whole person-the circumstances of their conception and birth, and the choices their parents have made, have no bearing on the inherent value and dignity that child deserves.

[@l-train7876]

Nobody called the baby a mistake. But the caller’s actions in having unsafe sex was the mistake.

[@deirdrekiely6187]

I don't think it was clear that she was a hoarder from the beginning. Or it might have gotten worse over time.

[@rebeccahicks2392]

@@smb0621 I think the word "mistake" referred to the action, not the the baby.

[@countcoupblessings979]

✨2 pearls to note - 1) There are those with HUGE executive function deficit, that are " paralyzed" in the areas of life that facilitate decluttering or organization. Often coupled with other unDx neuro- psych issues. 2) a CPTSD mind can exhibit clutter as a trauma response & it can be involuntary & needs deep care in Treatment. At times the conscious mind cannot admit reality of situ , as it cannot handle the long buried catalyst .

[@JohnWilliams-cx3ip]

Every time I watch a program or discussion about hoarding I want to clean my house.

[@lisaenglert3202]

I watch hoarders when I don’t feel like cleaning 😂

[@EM-cp5ht]

I helped a hoarder friend declutter. The only reason he got serious about getting rid of stuff was because he was going to get evicted due to the mess in his NYC apartment. He was given two weeks to get his place in order. As soon as I got home, I immediately went through my bathroom cabinets and tossed out everything I currently didn't use. My sister is a hoarder. There's no reasoning with her. I feel for her adult children when she passes. They will have days / weeks worth a work tossing out all that stuff.

[@evadowling9701]

I watched hoarders for one week and started to become a minimalist 😭

[@Wants2knowitall]

I intentionally watch them to motivate myself to clean. I do 10 minutes of tidying each day and save deep cleaning for the weekends or days off. I had to make a choice to live with a regular home, not an impeccable one, to be married to him. On his days on duty, I have 12 hours to reset the house for the week. I leave the annoying chores like the dishes, his laundry, and daily trash to him.

[@thepanda9782]

My grandmother is a hoarder, and I've lived with her since I was 6 years old. The similarities between hoarding and addiction are profound. They need to choose to get better, and staying in the hoarding is unintentionally enabling the behavior and giving them a target to direct at any negative emotions it creates. The sooner he leaves and she has to actually face the issue, the more likely she will be to get help. Unfortunately though, a lot of people don't recover. It's not just depression or anxiety either. It's usually a deep sense of insecurity, fear, obsession, and frankly often high narcissistic traits - they'll do anything to hold onto their stuff because it gives them more meaning than people do. It's not a healthy environment for a child to grow up in, and their baby deserves a mother who is mentally well enough to value them over literal garbage.

[@tiffanydrouin2622]

My mom is a somewhat mild, but clean hoarder. She views it as if she throws away the things she's throwing away the memories associated to them. Kindly but firmly, and consistently, letting mom know when it comes up in conversation that I'm going to get rid of all her stuff once she's gone has helped her to get rid of things to some extent. My guess is it's because she knows I'll follow through with that so SHE'S going to determine what will happen to all of it instead of that decision being out of her hands (control thing).

[@PinkRose0910]

You could also tell her to take a picture of things before she gets rid of them to help preserve memories.

[@alisalaska1786]

It’s very sad but you have to leave and take full custody. She will probably get worse but there is hope she will get therapy and really work to get her child back. The child has to come first. She needs mental help, he’s right. Not to just clean up.

[@melocoton7]

where is he in all this? why is he not picking up the garbage when he sees it? Send her off to do something that takes all day or send her off to her parents for a few days and hire a cleaning company. Take pictures before and then show her the difference. And get her into therapy ASAP. Him yelling at her will not fix anything.

[@dl9118]

Life is just a huge mystery. I myself am a clean freak. From what it looks like I will never be able to live with someone. To me people just don't know what clean is.

[@vivablitzkrieg]

You better be from a upper middle class family at a minimum if you think you’re going to get by with ever having roommates

[@zekegifford5201]

A clean freak can be the opposite end of this disorder.

[@ajalikeasia]

Better clean than dirty/hoarding 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@Datura981]

@@ajalikeasia No, people with OCD and germophobia can literally scrub skin off down to the muscle. They can clean themselves and their homes so much that they destroy natural bacteria and proteins they need to survive and fight infections. Some have been known to drink cleaning chemicals in their delusions-- and even trick others into using/ingesting cleaning chemicals. Some can't work, or ever have anyone else in their home. It can be as debilitating and dangerous as hoarding. Also, germophobes aren't any cleaner or healthier-- it can ravage both their mental health and their immune system. How clean is a festering wound that's had Lysol poured over it for a month?

[@karinland8533]

So, maybe you have OCD?

[@heatherTiti2023]

I am very worried abt you and your precious baby, as I say this I absolutely mean it in the most sincere way possible 😢 You need to take your baby and go somewhere else to stay. Before you end up with a CPS case; also known as DYFS in New Jersey.. That is the saddest situation anyone could possibly face. I know a few ppl whom dealt with CPS here in Pa. I know they have specialist that will come into the home and work with your Wife.. sadly, you might be forced to give her an ultimatum ( as much as it might break your heart and soul… ) your baby is now your #1 goal in life♥️ Your wife is more than likely going to attempt to gaslight you to her advantage…LET HER KNOW THAT IF SHE RECEIVES THIS HELP, YOU WILL STAND BY HER… THOUGH ONLY UNDER THE CARE OF Psychiatrist, and or Psychologist. ( also make it loud and clear that your child will not enter the home again, until it completely safe, childproof, bug-less, no more clutter, and the floors are spotless… ) If she doesn’t cleanup and get to the root of her childhood pain, trauma, ect that you have no other choice but to leave her. If you leave, you are taking the baby and filing for a petition with the court’s for temporary full custody. I wish you all the best❤

[@melinated2497]

I'm struggling to understand why he would create a child with his wife when their home was barely tolerable for him. He needs to go get some counseling as well. That was very poor decision making. Doubly so when you consider that the hormonal changes and overwhelming nature of caring for a newborn as a first time mom can send a person with no issues into a mental health crisis. The house was metaphorically doused in gasoline, and he turned on a blow torch. He is in denial as well.

[@meganhulatt6779]

Before everyone gets really harsh she might have post natal depression, the hoarding may have been there already but made worse with baby blues and childhood trauma. Not saying its ok though as she is unwell in some way due to not seeing this a dangerous, shes the primary carer , must be awful if shes isolated with a small child. It also sounds a traditional set up which Im not sure is great if stuck alone with just a baby to talk to and a husband that wants a medal for cleaning, Im being a bit facetious and devils advocate but he should take a bit more responsibility and assertiveness on the matter of cleanliness even if they need a bit of home help and get a better mums and dads network as well as check she is medically ok before throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak pardon the pun.

[@Monica-zo7dd]

I don’t understand hoarders. Like why is it always trash? Why can’t you be a clean and organized hoarder? It’s always people who have pets and children too. And people are trying to be sympathetic and “nice.” No. It’s dangerous and disgusting. Put a stop to it!!!

[@doesnotFempute]

there are a few "clean" hoarders, but they're usually shopping addicts who can't bear to get rid of anything because they've dumped all their money into it. My dad had a problem with hoarding junk mail when I was a kid. He was convinced someone was going to steal his identity from the garbage. I would bu'rn piles of it in the fireplace when nobody was home, but I could barely make a dent in his piles. He also had a hard time getting rid of packaging/instructions , or odds and ends he thought he might need one day.

[@Leah-fs7qq]

OMG I did that too. I used to have to sneak at night to clean cuz she'd get mad and rude if we were cleaning front of her. Because it's not "trash" to them it's an "old popcorn making stand from my dead husbands mother passed down worth a lot of money she gave me years ago" well now it's broken under a dresser missing pieces smelling of cat urine after 12years in the garage. And every single item has a story & excuse. My hubby had to start telling her if you're not using it and kids & friends don't want it after you died we're tossing it now. That's just more crap you're making us do when you're gone. That kinda helped.

[@alwaysyouramanda]

Yknow who isn’t sympathetic and nice? The hoarding mom who refuses to do the bare minimum for her kids.. like throw away trash.

[@eosrose6126]

I love that approach 😊 why not clean hoarding?

[@gabyaeberli7057]

Depression.

[@magicalpatterns]

Try to find a therapist that does a therapy called “internal family systems”. Is a very specific therapy. 🙏🏼

[@Thedarkestcowboy]

For the sake of the baby, he HAS to leave.

[@2021noname]

I think he is scared

[@bwenluck9812]

And what about his wife? She's a person too and she needs his support....

[@millier.206]

@@bwenluck9812she’s a grown woman. The baby cannot take care of him or herself.

[@deirdrekiely6187]

​@@bwenluck9812Support can't happen until the wife accepts that she even has a problem. It's like an alcoholic - they won't stop drinking just because you nag them.

[@rebeccahicks2392]

@@bwenluck9812 She needs help, but sometimes you have to take care of yourself----and the helpless baby--first.

[@scratch57]

That he could even be in a relationship with someone like this and impregnate her is alarming. He’s got a lot of issues to figure out himself. The first step though is to take your child and leave her forever.

[@rayshacordero4476]

To wait a decade is alarming too!!

[@audreytabon367]

⁠@@rayshacordero4476 I think that’s the scariest part. It’s like he saw her progressively digress and then after everything, decided to tether himself to her forever with a child. I hope she gets the help she needs and he finds some more common sense so their family and marriage can get through this.

[@anndeecosita3586]

@@rayshacordero4476She might not have been hoarding in the beginning of their relationship. It can progress like any illness. My mom wasn’t a hoarder when I was a young child. Looking back it started in my teens then went full on after my grandparents died.

[@33Jenesis]

He sounds like a pushover; the tone and pacing. I can’t stand a guy like this. No wonder he ended up tethered to a domineering hoarder.

[@PinkRose0910]

Take her to a psychiatrist and go to marriage counseling after that.

[@MrScott4syth]

I felt relieved watching this video as it made me feel although I am not the only guy in the world with the same problem. My wife is a also a hoarder and I have reached a position where I cant cope living in our home anymore I cringe when I walk in the house every room is messy. My solution would be to hire a skip and dump evrything no longer needed. My mental health is going from bad to worse due to being out of work due to my epilepsy and its difficult trying to get an adiminstration job when I used to work in a factory. I get counselling once a week and he even tells me that its time to think about my own future. I am begining to have negative thoughts all the time and both of our daughters know that something is not good. My daughters are always saying "whats up dad? you can tell us" I reply "nothing i am fine". This video has taught me that if she wont change and if i cant persuade her for us to attend counselling togethor then the voice in my head is telling me to remove myself from the equation. I even considered suicide a few months ago, this was due to me feeling like a failure as a father / husband and not liking myself anymore. My doctor now has me on anti-depressants but this still dosnt resolve the problem.

[@CaliCoast805_lovin_life]

How are you sir? I'm praying for you! Please don't ever give up your life! I know life can feel overwhelming sometimes. If you need to leave the depressing hoarding environment, that is understandable. Love and light sent from California. ❤

[@caligirl8904]

Get full custody and allow supervised visits.

[@kimberlygilliam6112]

She should be screened for postpartum depression and/or anxiety.

[@Jennifer-di4nl]

He's gonna stay you can tell. There is NO fixing hoarders.

[@HH-kg4fq]

They do change, when they feel seen and heard. Hoarding is just the manifestation of feelings.

[@leahdynes_lighterdays]

There absolutely *is* 'fixing' hoarders. I've personally worked alongside hoarders as a professional organizer, and as stated in the other comment, hoarding is a manifestation of feelings, *often* of unprocessed/unresolved trauma. When a person loses someone (a family member, friend, etc) or something (family pet, etc) close to them, they fill that gap of grief with *stuff*, *when* the person is able to heal from their grief, they are able to slowly let go - the letting go of things can occur before the processing of the grief, during, and after. But it's an entire process that the person who hoards needs to feel they have the room, security and safety to be able to get through; as well as the tools to come out the other end.

[@pinkpugginz]

hes ruining his child's life. most kids who grew up in hoarder homes end up being addicted to heroin. it's literally a statistic.

[@Datura981]

I can understand why someone might have that perspective, simply because there's so many discouraging examples of people who don't recover. But I'm a recovered hoarder. It is absolutely possible. Both of my parents were hoarders that got progressively worse as they got older, and mom went to her grave like that. I spent my early adult life thinking I wasn't one because my place was always neat and clean. However, I had duplicates of MOST practical items "just in case", because growing up in a hoarder household we could never find anything. My best friend in college helped me work through my mom's things so they didn't become *my* hoard. I spent the next few years tackling those tendencies before it could progress beyond owning too many spatulas or boxes of spare light bulbs. Don't get me wrong, I was totally on the way, because it's a short few years from "But I might need it" to "I NEED IT!" But, I was raised in that, and I struggle with mental health, so I do have to stay vigilant. I have a routine almost 15yrs old now where I do an inventory of our entire home once a year alongside a deep clean. I *LOVE* that my kid was shocked at pictures of my childhood home-- because he's never known anything like that. It was insane to him-- because it was insane! Those of us that have battled this and gotten to the other side are damned proud of breaking those generational curses.

[@hobbyhive]

@@Datura981I feel this!!! My husband helped me with my budding beginnings of hoarding, and we’ve been slowly working on my mother. I’ve been planting seeds of her going to therapy and she’s finally said she wants to (she has many unprocessed traumas). I’m in therapy and constantly learning to develop healthy coping mechanisms because I’ve never had it modelled to me. I’m still decluttering constantly, but it is a routine and I’m so determined that the generational curses end with me so my children don’t inherit multigenerational hoarding (and other) copes.

[@njcanuck]

He'll have to cut off her funding, within the limit of the law. It's amazing to me that these hoarders have lots of money seemingly to spend on all this stuff.

[@breezyveezy1]

Most of them are in extreme debt

[@cobrakai3732]

Simply cutting money won’t help this one. She’s saving old diapers and tissues! Hoarders will even go dumpster diving to get their “fix.”

[@2021noname]

Oh my god

[@brightpage1020]

Leaving would be healthier for both of you. If you’re already yelling at her, that’s not going to help her gain enough self confidence to manage this. Berating her, even if you are right - won’t clear the mess. Do you want to berate her? Or make a healthy environment? Because you are prioritizing abusing your wife and the mother of your child over taking care of your family. You expect more from her. Understandably. You probably feel betrayed because of how hard you work for them and feel resentful if you feel she does not reciprocate. Totally valid. But the way you are dealing with those feelings isn’t healthy or helpful. Could she have post partum? Or depression? Or be reacting to standards for her she feels you have set which might not be realistic for her? If she is drowning in shame… yelling won’t help. Call a therapist for her, or family therapist. While you arrange a healthy place to stay for this kid at least, and you - to meet your own sanitation needs. Tell her you hope she can be a part of that at some point, but you need to see her take care of this 1st. So you all can move back in and be a happier family together. And be prepared to help on a regular basis or to hire help for her a few times per week. Having a baby really can change things. Let her know you’re more interested in growing together than letting the mess tear you apart. But you have limits and the kid deserves and requires healthier than this. Now. Today. And from this day forward. You took her from this day forward and you are prepared to honor that if you feel she will honor you, too by acknowledging your healthy boundaries - and respecting them.

[@jasonmedeiros9492]

Just Left a Gf Like this They will never change Get out now. Peace of Mind. Im Tired of cleaning up after my Kids! Especially if they are grown! Get a Job Make money support yourself and lastly Cleanup after yourself!

[@AimeeMarsh-m5y]

Depends on how bad it is. I’ve had hoarding issues in the past and I’ve also been a clean freak in the past. My hoarding was triggered by trauma. Getting help with that and having family and friends help me get everything cleaned up and organized made a huge difference. Hoarders who get help can keep it under control. I have a few rules to live by now. All trash goes in the trash immediately no saving stuff, broken things get trashed immediately, if it doesn’t have a designated place it goes on the curb with a curb alert. I get my house and yard sprayed monthly by pest control and have yard service. I also don’t buy anything anymore unless I check to see if I already have one or something similar. No animal rescue period otherwise I would bring them all home. No garage sales either! No storage units allowed either.

[@bakedbeans9546]

I have a friend who is like this, she had 2 beautiful kids with her ex and lost them all. Its very sad to watch someone self destruct like this but they have to be ready to want to change for the better. Please put the children first they deserve a safe, clean home and not have to deal with the social consequences of living in a filthy house.

[@Akilarae]

Easier said than done but take the baby and go. She is an ADULT! get help or get lost. That’s put bluntly but reality

[@jenofhearts]

My mom was a hoarder while I was growing up. Is detrimental to a growing child and there is help out there When I was a teenager I would binge watch hoarders on tv and she would great and see it and it helped her Are still needs therapy! But if you can help your wife early it could help the whole family

[@raneekrueger5784]

I had great aunt and uncle who were hoarders. They had still born child. So my Dad and my sisters had to clean out their after we had to place them in nursing home. It was a nightmare. I am sure with how dirty the house was took years off their life. I loved these people.

[@FrankS111]

If she will not seek help, then you need to document how awful the home looks then you need to immediately take the child and go. The New York misandrist family courts will do everything they can to have that child stay with the mom regardless of how unhealthy the environment is. So document everything and get a good attorney immediately before leaving.

[@lilithowl]

You lost all credibility with 'misandrist', son

[@FrankS111]

@@lilithowl typical boomer feminist. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that NY family court rules over 90% of the time for the mother. But yeah, you stay divorced from reality.

[@alleykeosheyan4779]

Why? It's a real word! "Misandrist: a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against men."

[@goldilocks913]

You lose credibility when you are more concerned about a word which shows legitimate concern over anti father judgments than the safety of the child

[@OtisFlint]

@@lilithowl Lol found the brainwashed feminist.

[@Hatbox948]

My ex hoards. He's one who likes his trash. He bought a new pickup which is now full of trash, cigarette burns, etc. As long as he was working you could stay on top of it. But, when he retired I had to throw in the towel.

[@Jendromeda]

you are right. and, it gets worse as the person ages...i heard a report about it. and the older the person gets the worse they fall behind and it becomes a horrible nightmare for them and their family.

[@Hatbox948]

@@Jendromeda So true!

[@sharonm7039]

She's probably angry because she's not a "hoarder" like you see on TV. She sounds like she's more of a Level 3, not a Level 5. He said she had tried to cleanout. She's failed, she's overwhelmed and she's beating herself up. His language gets harsher (from frusration) the longer this goes on. This in turn creates more shame which paralyses her. I love John's suggestion of two clean rooms. Something that is more manageable for her with that strict boundary and consequence of he and the baby staying elsewhere for a while. I hope he can discuss it with her with love. Ask how SHE dreams of having her home and what it will feel like? Have her imagine what she wants their life to be like, beyond just the appearance of the home. What challenges do we need to find help for? "I love you so very much and I know we can make a life we both want." 🎉As John says many times, ask her "How can I love you today?" I don't think he'll get anywhere until she feels heard and the wall between them begins to come down. With being truly and deeply heard, I think she will want the professional help and will do amazing!

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

FIRE hazard for a baby, for themselves. PERIOD.

[@AimeeMarsh-m5y]

I’ve dealt with hoarding for years which was triggered by trauma. Things were good for a while then both my mom and grandma died 6 weeks apart and all their stuff got moved into my house and it’s been full of boxes since. Thankfully I have clean bathrooms, kitchen, laundry room, hallway but definitely need to work on the boxes in the rest of the house. I’ve cleaned out 200 boxes over the last year but have another 200 to go. It’s emotionally tough. People don’t understand that. Luckily I have no trash in my house or bugs. I hate trash and spray for bugs monthly. My advice is to work on one room at a time. That’s what I do. Everything nice that I don’t want I put on the porch with a curb alert, throw away anything broken or pure trash, and ask for help.

[@Jkaye13]

@@AimeeMarsh-m5y Sounds like your doing great trying to get through all the stuff! Good for you! 👍🏻 sorry that you had to go through two losses like that 😞

[@bubutlopez1081]

There's an underlying reason to all of this. If there's bugs, hire pest control, help clean up. There's a baby now that takes a lot of her time but I agree if baby is compromised then that's a different story. I'm sensing a lot more issues than the hoarding.

[@DeepestQuotesAnd]

Hi John, love your work. I'm surprised you haven't suggested him to help her visualize how life is without hoarding, only owning what we need, to regain control over the situation. That's the first thing I think she needs. Peace.

[@flashthecorgi2053]

Unfortunately, she wouldn’t be able to see it or hear it. She needs professional help before anything else because he isn’t getting anywhere with her. He’s tried deep cleaning the house and it just got dirty again!