NARCISSISM, Scapegoating, and Acute Stress REACTIVE ABUSE

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If you're the 'SCAPEGOAT' in a NARCISSISTIC family system, it is critical that you understand the concept of REACTIVE ABUSE. “Reactive abuse” is when the perpetrator of abuse deliberately provokes another into reacting to their abusive behavior aggressively. As with 'DARVO' ('Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender', J. Freyd), reactive abuse is a result of a narcissistic family member's ability to successfully manipulate the 'scapegoat child' (or adult child) into acting out in an aggressive manner so they can then 'blame shift'. In this video, Rebecca C. Mandeville, author of the best-selling book on family scapegoating abuse ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'), helps adult survivors of FSA learn how to recognize when they're in danger of falling into the 'reactive abuse' trap. See video chapters and resources, below:
✅ You can purchase my best-selling book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', on Amazon: amzn.to/3sEaqcx. Or buy from your favorite online book retailer via this secure Universal Buy Link (UBL): books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Video Chapters:
0:00 - Introduction
01:19 - What Is Reactive Abuse?
03:06 - Reactive Abuse and Narcissists
03:48 - Blame Shifting
04:22 - Example of Reactive Abuse
06:57 - Identifying Reactive Abuse
07:56 - Reacting versus Reactive Abuse
08:47 - Reactive Abuse: A Warning
09:34 - "Am I the Abuser Now?"
🔥Trigger Warning: If you feel activated watching this video, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional. Viewer comments may contain descriptions of child abuse and neglect and can also be activating.
Rebecca C. Mandeville is a thought leader and recognized expert in abusive family systems. She is also the author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' and a clinical expert in KZbin's Health Partner Program. You can visit her website at scapegoatrecovery.com.
Relate to this video? I'd love to hear from you in the comments. BE AWARE THAT YOUR COMMENTS ARE PUBLIC.
💡 INTERNATIONAL SINGLE-SESSION SCAPEGOAT RECOVERY VIDEO CONSULTATIONS: Due to the prohibitive length of my waiting list for weekly sessions, I am now offering Single-Session Consultations. Learn more by visiting www.scapegoatrecovery.com/sca...
💡Learn more about my work on FSA, my book, and my FSA recovery coaching services, visit scapegoatrecovery.com.
💡DISCLAIMER ONE: This channel's focus is on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) and is GENERAL and INFORMATIONAL in its scope. It is NOT a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. It is suitable for both Adult Survivors and Clinicians. I am unable to advise you on your specific family situation. READ FULL DISCLAIMER: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/you...
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✅ Check out more of my videos on FSA: • DYSFUNCTIONAL Family S...
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✅ For media inquiries contact me at [e-mail]
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🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
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🔴 NEED HELP NOW? Being scapegoating can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencounseling.com/suici... You might also find some appropriate resources here via this site for people struggling with complex trauma symptoms due to personality disordered parenting, etc. outofthefog.website/toolbox-1...
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Copyright 2023 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@ZoeHorowitz]

My father’s best friend, who is a retired physician was someone who I confided in regarding my covert narcissistic mother’s abuse. Fast forward 2 months later I learned he had been sharing what I said about my mother to him in addition telling her I was recording her. I live in a one-party consent state. I recorded her verbal abuse, lies and manipulation for my protection. He was also concerned about his public image if it got out among other things...”what would the country club to the church board say” nonsense. He accused me of calling my mother’s flying monkeys actually monkeys. I realized he didn’t know what a flying monkey was nor did he grasp what triangulation, gaslighting or the smear campaign my mother conducted. I looked him in the eyes and told him that he didn’t have to worry about me ever speaking to him about my narcissistic mother again nor would I tolerate him gaslighting me. Exit stage right. I was very proud of myself that day. It reinforced my resolve that I am proud of being a truth teller and planning my exit from my mother’s life and her very small core of delusional flying monkeys. My mother also lied in my presence saying she offered to go to therapy with me. My narcissistic mother is a pathological liar. Plus, even if it were true, I would never agree to attend any mental health counseling with my narcissistic mother. It would give her “more material” to gaslight me. I am doing well with my own therapist. I wasn’t embarrassed nor ashamed about the above incident either. I learned that everyone isn’t willing to be honest about familial toxicity and emotional abuse or willing to learn or even open to learning that my mother ( covert narcissists) had one face for the public and another face for me. Thank you Ms. Mandeville. ❤❤

[@Star-333]

Anytime I see someone say they are the scapegoat in an online setting, I recommend your book. Some of these groups or forums are for those who have PTSD or C-PTSD. This is important work that you have been and are doing. ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Much appreciated. 🙏

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

@@Star-333 SAME! I have a playlist!

[@deborahlynnelentz6432]

I'm definitely buying This book. Iam looking forward to reading it.

[@heyitsme5469]

Yes! This was my teenage years in my family. They would provoke and abuse me until I snapped, then call me crazy and the problem. I’m almost 50 years old and their narrative is still that I am the problem and they all have been victimized by me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Painful example that emphasizes the truth of this form of reactive aggression. Thank you for sharing with us.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

My elder sister in particular, used to lament the 'scars' she had from when I was maybe 10 or so after clawing her arms with my fingernails, telling anyone she could about it. The part she left out was how she would say cruel and heartless things to me, and scream at me that I was a "PRAHBLUM CHIYILD!!!" until I was crying and that was when I would claw at her. It was to get her to stop being abusive to me. She continued to whine about it for many years, until one day when I told her that I refused to be held accountable for things more than 10 years prior or when I was younger than 18, as we all do 'stupid things' when we are young and without understanding their repercussions.

[@brandyk]

​@@Hawaiiansky11 yes personally I don't think the 10 yr statute of limitations on family abuse should be the norm but certainly things under a certain age and definitely under 13. I could totally see people still have problems with a family member that begins at a younger age n then continues in a tit for tat situation but generally that doesn't happen in normal or healthy families as over time people mature n kind of subconsciously let childhood bygones be bygones and actually form friendships of sorts into adulthood. I can't help but wonder now that more twenty something's are still living at home is it more difficult to grow out of childhood/teen squabbles.

[@asasial1977]

I severed ties with pretty much my entire family, as well as anyone from my childhood for the exact same reason. My mother had everyone convinced I was a juvenile delinquent who would rob you blind. I never did anything remotely like that. My step brother did but he was the golden child. They things HE did they would tell people I did.

[@tonglag2089]

Same they would gang up on me, tell me something wrong with me and provoke me and I would react and they xalked me crazy. When my brother introduced me to people he would say she's crazy and tell them a story about me. I ended up marrying a narcissists and repeated the same treatment and worse I stayed through some of the worse things a person could imagine. When I fought my back, I thought I was a narcissists. I thought something was wrong with me! I thought it was me!

[@TYGZus777]

"They manipulate you into losing your control" = BINGO! Then they sit back and enjoy and show. Let the triangulation begin! You are painted as the evil abuser and they are the poor little innocent victim.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Oh wow! Your comment reminded me of a time when my mother had called all upset and I got blamed for 'making her cry.' The setup: I was married to a narcissist, someone my narcissist mother and enabler father approved of, but who I admittedly never loved, and I'm certain he never loved me. After living in a rundown shack for the first few years of our marriage, he and I were excited to be getting a new modular home. Narc mother called asking if we could buy their house (the house I was abused severely in), because she was afraid that they were going to lose it in foreclosure. My spouse at the time actually looked into it! Then, realizing that we could not afford to do both, HE actually told her that we could not do it, and we went ahead with our new home. It didn't upset me that much at the time, but looking back at it, this infuriates me. I have three older siblings, one of whom is borderline wealthy, so why didn't she ask one of them, or all of us to pool our money to help out? Why did she ask me, the daughter she treated like she hated, to come running to save her? The greater question: why do NP (narcissistic parents) always run to the SG - the person they abused the most, to be their hero and savior??? That's so jacked up.

[@christinaisis3158]

So true. Thank you for sharing

[@donnacroaker7251]

Bingo ! I can Soooooo Relate ! ✅

[@Magicmeatbag]

Not only is it abuse but it's future emotional blackmail. The exact same thing happened to me as a child and as an adult. Verbal and physical abuse until you snap and then they would bring up those moments not only in conversation with me but in social situations when I'm either present or not to the people around me. All of this done while ignoring their part in why I was reacting the way I was and it would also be completely forgotten about. So even if I tried to have a conversation to them about my side of the story they would genuinely not remember their own actions.

[@sarahw7616]

That was genuine. They made themselves "not remember." That was my abusive fathers biggest lie. "I don't remember doing that."-- Signed coward abuser

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Not remember - or intentionally 'forget'...because it serves them to do so.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

Absolutely!

[@TYGZus777]

I am reading Boundary Boss by Terri Cole. She writes about Emotional Blackmail as being a boundary violation. I am enjoying educating myself on all the boundary categories and boundary types.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

@@TYGZus777 I follow her, I will go get that book!

[@cloudwalker8266]

I had a psychotic break after decades of abuse. Got misdiagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. My abuser was delighted because I spent years in a fog, as I was put on a cocktail of medication by an incompetent psychiatrist. The drugs made me compliant and able to withstand even more abuse. The abuser tried to gain greater control by calling 911 to accuse me of being mentally unstable, but it didnt work. It took many years to find a psychiatrist who was willing to re-evaluate the diagnosis. Turns out I had C-PTSD all along. I've been off the meds for almost 5 years with no symptoms of so-called bipolar disorder. Why? Because my abuser was arrested for domestic violence against me and I was finally able to get away from him. Reactive abuse is very real!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Powerful story. Thank you for sharing with us.

[@cloudwalker8266]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThank you for raising awareness. I plan to go far and wide with my stories very soon. Surely, I'm not the only person who experienced this. Misdiagnosis adds more trauma to existing trauma.

[@stephaniematthaus1516]

I was told that I should be committed to a mental institution. I was brought in to be "evaluated". The Psychologist saw what was happening and worked with me for over a year. She told me you can come in here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you HAVE to remove yourself from these toxic people. And then I found Dr. Rebecca Mandeville and the fog lifted, and I see things so clearly now. It was difficult to believe that I was not, in fact, crazy- after a lifetime of hearing that from family, and then I married into it! Same dynamic. I worked so hard to make them "see" me. But they wanted to see their version of me because it benefitted them. Their motto: Withold love and validation for better manipulation and control. No one was put on this earth to endure abuse. I had this idea that I could not leave just because things were difficult. It's FAMILY-no one will love me if my own family can't. WRONG!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you found my channel!

[@grahamlangley4856]

Sorry to hear your story glad to hear you are doing well now. If it helps you to know in anyway I had the same issue with my father. Pushed me to the point I had enough and I began reacting to everything. Also then got diagnosed with bi polar and put on meds and remembered him sniggering "quiet as a mouse now" I eventually moved out and away to save myself and try to make a better of a miserable life but did not know about counselling and carried my label and meds and reactivateness for all of my twenties and into my 30's before I cracked again but was fortunately put in touch with counselling and I improved within two sessions and no more meds. I probably should consider getting an adhd diagnosis but I am full functioning with no meds for someone that was "bi polar" I unfortunately still have to deal with him when there are deaths in the family etc but he is quiet as a mouse now and tries to suck up hard now that I'm so much stronger and took the power back he thought I'd be a mess forever now I'm the boss if he tries to go out of line.

[@jackgoodings]

It's good to hear you saying you dont like the term 'reactive abuse'. The world has gone mad when they say that us defending ourselves against someone who is pushing us to our limits, provoking, abusing in all manner of ways, is abuse. Yes, not something we should do .. not because its abuse .. but because it can be used against us, like you said.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Exactly. The word 'abuse' should not be used in this context at all, in my clinical opinion. Just more 'shaming and blaming' of the true victim.

[@amarbyrd2520]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse You're not the only mental health professional whom I've heard say that, Coach Rebecca. I wish you all could form a coalition or something that could push against the position in the traditional mental health / therapeutic "industry" (I call it an "industry" as opposed to a profession when it does things like this which, after a lot of reflection, appear to be reinforced to serve particular power dynamics and hierarchies at the expense of the actual truth).

[@brandyk]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes to me abuse suggest at least more than one occasion and generally several over period of time. That said people do need to be careful around people who push their buttons n have an exit plan for it's one thing to say things they will use against you but certainly it's illegal to engage in anything physical. Leave n don't come back if that ever is a thing.

[@justice8563]

This is what I’m dealing with. They just won’t stop and I feel like an dog in a cage where I’m poked with a stick, ignored and tormented to get me to snap.

[@jackgoodings]

@@justice8563 Is it possible to leave? It's not that straightforward I know

[@raven4090]

I can remember countless times from a very early age when my sisters and/or mom would provoke me into yelling or hitting them or throwing things to make them leave me alone, and then they would call me a brat and tell people I was such a terror to have around. I once overheard an aunt say to an uncle, "I don't know why they think she's bratty. She's good as gold." When I stayed with them and my cousins, no one was being mean to me there. I didn't need to defend myself from them. I wished i could be adopted by them.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I don't blame you.

[@KathyJacksonSanDiegoRealEstate]

My mom and sister have triangulated against me several times. It's hurtful and twisted.

[@raven4090]

@@KathyJacksonSanDiegoRealEstate Yeah, it really is. Hugs

[@whitehorse3828]

I relate to all of you commenting. After my mother "baited" me into reacting, I could see a smirkish smile on her face,...a sick type of "satisfaction" in accomplishing her goal upsetting me. These sick monsters literally feed off of our survival response, just like Satan does....What does that tell you?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Many religions have beliefs about this.

[@Mia-gu4qh]

I agree and I know that smile from my mother all so well, I get nauseous just thinking of it; it’s pure evil!

[@janegreen5301]

It tells me my struggle is not against flesh and blood but against rulers, powers, forces, wickedness. Where I stand. How I stand. And how to resist, withstand.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@Mia-gu4qh Oh yes, I remember the smug smirk of satisfaction very well.

[@PatriciaPrater-mw2ul]

After experiencing extreme betrayal trauma and struggling to get the trauma informed care that I needed, my mother ask me, " how are you doing it? how are you not in a mental institution?"All the while knowing the part she has played in scapegoating me my whole life. No encouraging words, gesters, or support. Living in my broken down car that was located on her 10 acre property. I can feel the hate coming from my own mother, that is sadistic to me. After all the abuse that had been hurled my way. I can't and won't live with hate in my heart. Sadness, hurt and disappointment,....YES! I'm no longer homeless ( I had a home that was paid for at this time that this took place) I've learned to try and understand their behavior. I can see she has her own childhood issues she hasn't been able to come to terms with. I see the generational patterns ( trauma, etc), abandonment.(mother is full blooded German) I have been unable to break the cycle. She has turned my children against me and condoned their criminal actions against me. Estranged. But, I can love them from afar and pray for God to work this out for his Glory.

[@dgvfsa66]

From birth, I became known as "the angry child." I had to be. It was, and still is, the only way to protect myself. My sisters were bigger than me. I'm the runt. They'd put their foot in my stomach so I couldn't reach them or fight back, then grab my arms and scrape them raw while kicking me in the stomach. I learned to never show fear or pain. That's what they wanted. I still dissociate from pain. I don't allow my body to feel it. And I never show fear. Nobody messes with me. They just call me crazy.

[@sarahw7616]

My story is similar. I'm sorry you went through this. It will take a lot of time and effort but you can recover. Take care, 💚

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Tragic and very apt example. Thank you, Denise.

[@jenniehughes6927]

Right there with you. My mother would goad me into reacting in front of other people so she could say, "do you see, you see how she is?". It took me many years to learn to not react. But the pattern was set, and I'm still known as the crazy one even years after her death . I've been low contact with most of my family and recently went no contact with my sisters. At almost 70 years old now I am finally finding peace in my life .

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Same, my very defensive mother cannot acknowledge that she is completely averse to resolving any conflict through discussion, so she labels me ''angry'' and gives me the silent treatment, although she wouldn't recognise it as the silent treatment though, my mother gave me the silent treatment for three years, so far, and then told me that it was merely my perception that she'd given me the silent treatment. OH MY GOD I WENT CRAZY WITH ANGER AND RAGE. SO, I'm '''crazy'' for having had the expectation that my family might have listened to me. Well, I certainly understand now. They were determined not to listen to me and they have not.

[@stephaniematthaus1516]

@@SusanaXpeace2u same here.

[@SL-bo7ui]

This was very eye opening for me! I behaved with reactive abuse as a child and teen and then as a wife and mom later. All of my abusers have and still twist things when speaking of past events making me look like the abuser. My cousin in particular (with whom I only see or talk with every few years) always has to bring up the narrative of I”remember how you were growing up.” I respond with how was I- he then says you were out of control etc. Recently my new response to him is so you realize I was an angry child and teen because of the abuse I suffered? His response is a glazed almost I am not even here right now look. He does not agree with me on this even though he knows I was mistreated and abused. My cousin was like a brother growing up- I was raised by his mom half of my childhood. He is the golden child. There is no getting out of the scapegoat role. I’ve finally realized this. However, I now can retake my own life back and recreate it in my career and friends and lifestyle. I’m concentrating on this. That’s all I can do. But at least I have the freedom and ability to do this and my family of origin can’t take that freedom away from me!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes - you can indeed reclaim your life narrative - so glad to hear this!

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

I feel like as "narcissistic abuse" (I feel like it needs a better term) is becoming more widely known, "reactive abuse" will be better understood. Many people will recognize that they have been put through this by a bad coworker, roommate, boss, crappy customer service worker (and they are abused, too), etc. and can see how this happens. Sadly, I see police doing this to homeless in my city about 3-4x a day. My point is: it's becoming more widely understood. It's bullying.

[@Mia-gu4qh]

Wow that was in powering and inspiring!

[@SL-bo7ui]

@SfH_KZbin that would work if the person behaved as such in the past but my cousin could do no wrong. He never raised his voice or fought with me. He wasn’t the one that victimized me he was the flying monkey.

[@brandyk]

So bou7ui absolutely it's one thing if someone is joking and they are maybe young n little insensitive but the fact that you're not laughing n have discussed this with him, it seems intentional n passive aggressive. Clearly he is not happy even though he was the golden child. Happy, well adjusted people just don't do that even if they could get away with it. I would have straight up said " that's an odd thing to say" n when he says why n starts explaining how you were back then. I wouldn't even argue. I'd say well I don't exactly agree with your interpretation and I'm pretty sure I told you why I reacted to some things. Have I done anything to bother you? Then if course he'll likely say no n then I'd say "oh good I didn't think so but you seem fixated on this and it kinda comes across like you're trying to hurt me or offend me or test me in some way so I'm wondering what's going on with you. Do u want to talk about something?"

[@inhale.exhale.2527]

62 and i have finally identified the second of two lifelong abusers - both of my elder sisters. i have now lost both parents and cut my sisters off but how bizaare ... to find that there was never any actual love in my family. the consequences have been profoundly self-destructive and lifelong. horrendous.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So very sorry. I hope you find something of comfort here.

[@nmc1859]

Yes, lifelong consequences. No love in mine either. Didn't understand that till recently. They just objective and use to fulfill a narrative pretty much

[@CrazyEightyEights]

I had an epiphany the other day. My family's extreme dysfunction is based on generations of narcissistic abuse. My father was the son of a malignant narcissist who learned how to target a convenient scapegoat. My sister, a covert narcissist, has conducted an epic smear campaign and the other siblings are her flying monkey enablers. My niece got married last year, and I am painfully aware of the smear my sibs spread even to extended family. Awful, deluded people.

[@inhale.exhale.2527]

@@CrazyEightyEights congratulations. you have turned a corner generations before you were not even aware of. 👏

[@lolo9553ify]

One of the narcissists I grew up with would isolate me in the house and call me certain names that only I could hear. He’d get in my face and spit these words at me. His spittle sprayed me as he called me coward, failure, gutless creep, no-good, rotten, etc. He’d hassled me before but I was about 12 when these serious character assassinations began. He’d threaten me, poke my chest, shove me and bat me in the face until I finally lost it and screamed at him to ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’ I figured out much later that that was part of his goal - to get me to lose it so he could shift blame for all that conflict onto me. I felt so pressed to the wall and at a loss for how to stop him that I used the only weapon I had then, the volume of my voice and I played right into his aim. I was wild with fear at those times and he convinced people that he was persecuted by me, that there was something so wrong with me. I even believed it. I cut my wrists when I was 20 and he tried to hit me at that time before saying "Let her kill herself if she wants to." They still believed him. So did I. I don’t believe him or the enablers anymore. Six years ago I had to go no-contact with those who continued to scapegoat me. I honor my experiences now and I’m learning who I really am. I am happy and feel very lucky to be with me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Celebrating the fact you saved yourself from further harm. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so very sorry you were treated in such a horrific manner.

[@carolyngartner6865]

Very informative. My situation in my family is that I did not display reactive abuse but internalized the scapegoating abuse by developing depression and agoraphobia. Of course this meant that my family could take pleasure in laneling me with having mental health problems. Even though they were the cause of those problems!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, indeed, depression can be the result of these types of abusive / scapegoating behaviors; often this is due to the 'righteous rage' going unfelt and being turned on the self instead, unconsciously.

[@Lyn_Marie_]

I can relate to this. I also internalized the scapegoating. I don’t think I realized at the time. I felt it wasn’t worth an argument, I knew I’d feel even worse afterwards. I developed anxiety, and severe panic attacks that would come out of the blue, which of course my sister used against me with her smear campaigns. So Interesting, and makes so much sense that I was turning on myself unconsciously. Thanks to you both.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

As a teenager, I remembered a horrifying incident of abuse that I had traumatically forgotten. I was a teenager, and had not developed the ability to remain calm in such circumstances, so I started crying out, "She tried to kill me!" and "You tried to kill me!" to my mother, in the presence of several of her and my peers (which I'm sure now caused gross narcissistic injury to her), and as she was pinching me, hissing in my ears and pulling me out of the area, she told them that I was "having an episode." I didn't have 'episodes,' but that was her way of making me out to be crazy for calling her out in public. Had I only known then what I know now....

[@naturalhealingmexico]

I internalised the scapegoating by eating, I gained tons of weight , since I started to realize where all comes from, ii started to loose weight, I am not hungry anymore, as soon as I started accepting the fact that my family simply hate me, and I will never fit in it(I always knew that, but my cognitive dissonance didn't make me see it) I recover , my heath it's better than ever, and I am moving out for good (as Scapegoat I returned to home after leaving in search for acceptance from my family). Can't wait to be finally free!!! Wish me luck!

[@zachscully]

It damaged relationships when observers saw and overreacted to one incident of reactive defense to verbal abuse; meanwhile with no acknowledgement of the prior or current abuse, or the performative reactivity of the abuser playing victim then and afterward, then, or later when calm and a mature conversation was attempted multiple times. The only way to 'win' is to walk away, continue to develop personally, and find new activities/places/people that value ethical behavior.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Well said. Thank you.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

When I was growing up my older brother would poke and poke at me until I blew up and shouted at him to stop, his response was "see how you are." as though I was the one who was crazy. My mother laughed at his tactics and chastised me for being a big baby. I ran away at age 12 and was treated even worse when they got me back. To this very day my brothers covertly abuse me so that others don't notice. I have removed them from my life but every year they keep trying to come back using my birthday to connect and then abuse me on the phone through dismissiveness and snarky attitude. For a long time I couldn't figure out why they call, then I realized they miss picking on me. I am 70 years old and it has never stopped.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Excellent example of what is called 'reactive abuse'. I call it 'righteous rage', myself, and I have a video on that here on my channel. I also discuss this a bit in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseI purchased your book and am waiting for a good time to sit down and read the whole thing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear. It is to the point, but dense. I've had quite a few people tell me they have read it several times now and get more out of it each time.

[@musicandpoetry_8]

That’s horrible, sorry ..I had the older brother BS too, called fat and then “stop being so sensitive”

[@musicandpoetry_8]

They’re horrendous people :(

[@KB-kz3rg]

The amount of validation I get from watching your videos astounds me. I have been listening to many voices about narcissistic abuse for 8 years. Before that a very talented therapist whom I still respect told me it wasn’t okay to call my (now ex) husband a narcissist, but all of that is changing with this conversation. Now learning about FSA - I am finally feeling sane for the first time in my life… and FREE. Thank you, thank you, thank you Rebecca Mandeville.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are most welcome - I am so glad to hear that my work on FSA is helpful. You might also read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', to learn more about this form of family system abuse.

[@OnMyWay1029]

"I've had clients who are very, very successful, competent people..........." OMG, I just started crying when I read that paragraph. Thank for validating something so specific to me. I am a 56 yoa 'successful, competent therapist. 10 minutes with my adult siblings and I am hiding the tears that are gushing inside me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are not alone, trust me. Glad you're here.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I used to always get headaches and feel suffocated when I was at family gatherings an adult at our 'home' farm. I had to get out and take walks or lie down and take a nap because it was exhausting.

[@OnMyWay1029]

@@Hawaiiansky11 I wonder if during childhood all (or some or many....) scapegoats experienced similar physical/emotional sensations but now can't recall.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@Hawaiiansky11 I would have panic attacks and hyper ventilate all the way on the 40 minute drive to my parent's home during holidays or just for a routine visit, etc. I remember one Christmas I was running late by about 20 minutes and narc mother got the family to open all the gifts before I arrived. Another time, on my birthday, her "spare" golden child (a foster son) took his finger and swiped off all the decorative icing on and around edges of my cake and narc mother just laughed about it. They had a lake house that the entire family used and someone was renting porn movies on the satellite and running up the bill. She was "upset" about it when she asked me and my husband if we knew anything about it. Later on, it was found out that the "foster son" was doing it. Suddenly, it no longer mattered to her....🤔🤫🤨

[@MB-sg8dx]

💥boom. Wow is this ever validating!!!

[@Becca60008]

Exactly. The one who has been handed the abuse gets triggered by something and boom. Yep. They're the bad guy.

[@donnellallan]

My family of origin were emotionless and stoic so that any normal human responses looked like craziness in contrast. For instance, when my sister coldly told me that our mother had cut me out of her will, I responded with tears and swearing-“shocking” behavior to those who have shut down all but pleasant responses. These days I remind myself that it’s okay to be human and that is good to feel and express my feelings in safe ways. You are helping me to do that and I appreciate you very much, Dr Mandeville! Thank you for yet another video which showed up at just the right time. 💜

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, glad this topic was 'on point' for you today.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

My ex did something similar! He and I had what I would have called a mild disagreement about something miniscule like where to put the silverware drawer in the kitchen of our new house. When he spoke of the discussion a day or two later, in the presence of his parents, he said to me, "You were really freaking out!" I just looked at him with a confused expression, trying to figure out how he could have come to that conclusion. In my FOO, 'freaking out' meant screaming (literal screaming), crying, swearing, things being thrown, saying heartless things to one another, and usually someone getting hit and / or someone running away or driving off and everyone else retreating to their bedrooms.

[@KathyJacksonSanDiegoRealEstate]

I can relate

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@Hawaiiansky11 Narc hubby was gaslighting and smearing you simultaneously....

[@merrill5780]

My n husband (maybe psychopath) provoked me mercilessly then laughed and later "pouted" as victim. He'd call police and say I was suicidal (wasn't) and had me committed once. I easily got out in 3 horrible days. He is a therapist in a small city. He knew everyone in the psych field and was influential and spiteful. Everyone liked him or didn't dare cross him..

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Like I often say: This is serious stuff. The consequences can be extreme. I hope you’re in a better / safer place now.

[@merrill5780]

​yes, from him at least, thank you

[@tinkingtinking2134]

I always look like the crazy person in the family, I've been told I ruined the family, my sisters want nothing to do with me because of the way I treat their parents, he pitted us against each other all our lives and I would loose it . I was constantly gaslighted, saw what I saw , heard what i heard but told it didn't happen, was accused of doing things I didn't do. I'm a recovered alcoholic and my parents would never acknowledge that, but now my dads saying he's the alcoholic not me. Recently my dad told me he thinks my mother commented suicide, but then said I said it even though I have a witness to him saying it. I had an outburst in a chemist while on the phone to my dad and I've got sicker and sicker so I've walked away and I've made sure he will never contact me again. I can already feel my body healing and then my mind will follow as I've gone no contact before for 7 years, I only went back in because my mum died.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is critical one pay attention to their nervous system - and learn to take care of it and respond to its signals of distress - if one is to begin recovering from family scapegoating abuse.

[@tinkingtinking2134]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse absolutely. My nervous system was so damaged in the end I collapsed and couldn't get up. I could feel so much pain on my organs, my feet, my body felt like I was being electrocuted, I had Stockholm Syndrome, Cognitive Dissonance, then to be told 2 years after mum died she committed suicide, I lost it saying im over this sick, twisted game you and mum have played for years pitting us sister's against each other and i left my parents house looking and sounding like a lunitic, exactly what he wanted. The neighbour came out and said "what have you done now", they obviously have put me down to him so i told him some home truths, he said he understood as he's the Blacksheep in his family and told me to go home and take care of myself, he'll look after my dad, i hugged him and left. My dad then wrote me a letter saying my mum loved me as a daughter, but hated me as a person for what I did to the family, she didn't committ suicide as 'I' put it she fell over and hit her head and was found in the gutter in the morning by the garbage man, it was winter and she died of hyperthemia , he let her wonder off at night knowing she had sundowners dementia and the doctor told him she needed to be in the hospital. He also said 'ive' never taken responsibility for what I did to the family, but I made amends to my parents 14 years ago, I wrote letters to my sisters as we havent seen each other for over 30 years now which apparently they never got after i did the AA 12 step program even though I knew why I was a rebellious child but didnt know till i was 47 I was the Scapegoat Child. I think he feels guilty not putting her in a nursing home, he's drinking at 11am everyday and wants to blame me for her why she's dead. I've had enough and what he doesn't know is I've been researching the Scapegoat Child for the last 9 years but he let us kids believe it was all my mother, thats the only reason i broke contact to go see him. I blamed my mum not realising she was made to look the bad one, he was manipulating her to keep us girls apart, I went off at her, he just sat there watching, obviously getting off on it and I never saw her again. I've gone no contact again for the last time and my doctor told me if I go back near him or have anymore contact it will literally kill me.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

In my FOO and I suspect in most others with narcissistic abuse, they never acknowledge any form of the scapegoat getting better. They only look at us and talk to us as though we are still at our lowest point in life, never giving us an ounce of credit for stopping drinking, or being more calm at family events, or any successes in our lives.

[@paulataylor4784]

Thank you Rebecca for your channel. I'm 59 & have been the family scapegoat since childhood. I fought back against my abusers 1 year ago then ended up in Rehab following a breakdown. I am now at the happiest I've ever been since going 'no contact'. Your channel really helps me understand the psychology behind my breakdown & my reaction to years of bullying. Thanks so much.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome, Paula. Do consider reading my book as well if you haven't yet - 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' (It is linked in all the video descriptions - Amazon has it, etc).

[@brihiggins]

I feel like you've been observing me and my family.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It really is a 'thing' - and is supported by my years of research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). If you haven't read my book yet (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) you may want to.

[@janegreen5301]

When you read Rebecca's book, you read your own story....not another's story. Happy reading.

[@susanhand1966]

I have been abused to this point that I call “seeing red” I acted totally nuts and was called crazy, psychotic and the devil. I scared myself to be honest. I pray I NEVER EVER feel this way again! Nobody EVER looked at their behavior that caused me to react this way. I am not that person anymore. The abuse I have endured from family members might even shock you. When I replay it I’m like OMG I cannot even comprehend doing that to anyone. It’s inhumane..They will pay oneday🙏

[@reesedaniel5835]

This is exactly what my covert narc mother did to me. And everyone in the extended family on both sides swallowed her manipulative kool-aid (except for my beloved paternal grandparents who passed away before I woke up to what was being done to me). Bunch of cowardly dupes.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, the family typically swallows it all: Hook, line, and sink/(h)er / (you).

[@AylaJSlay]

Wow... thank you! This is so true. I've been called: "too emotional", in need of "help", "crazy", and a "yahoo" for reacting, a couple of times yelling in public when I just lost control after years of abuse. This has happened with both my (ex-)spouse and family of origin. P.S. I'm now watching my moves more closely, to protect my own self-respect and not to give a reason to the narcissists a reason to slander me more.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good idea. Thanks for taking time to comment.

[@roomg03]

“Too emotional” was a term my highly controlling father used to mislabel my appropriate behavior to his inappropriate mentally abusive behavior

[@Hawaiiansky11]

A particularly sad incident was when I was in college and surrounded by family members, so perhaps age 21-22. We were gathered in a small living room watching a movie or television program. My mother threw an empty plastic gallon jug container at me, hitting my head. She had asked me to do something and I hadn't jumped up and responded with "Yes'm! Right away, mum!" When the jug hit me in the head, I started tearing up. She said with utter disgust, "Ugh. You're so overly sensitive." Nobody said a thing. I just sat there and dried my tears.

[@dukecity7688]

My mother told me when I was fifteen that no man would love me because of my temper ( which was a fraction of hers). I believed her. I then went and fulfilled her message. L

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This happens to so many. I just made a note to cover this aspect of FSA in a future video.

[@a.g.5396]

I can relate. My father told me as a young teenager that no man would be able to love me the way I was. This hat a huge impact on my relationships or the lack thereof. To this day I still feel it and I still blame myself as I was acting out so much that he was probably right.

[@dukecity7688]

@@a.g.5396 I'm sorry.

[@mixedlag]

I think this can take form as sibling abuse in childhood. A child is powerless (in abusive/toxic families in particular) and if they target their anger toward the parent, that will result in more abuse. So the abused child finds a much less powerful person, ie., younger sibling, to release that anger on. So just to be clear my comment was about children reacting, NOT adult siblings. PS-Thanks for covering this and renaming it...haha, even if not official.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Great point - thank you!

[@tplush409]

I had the strangest reaction or so I thought at the time...after a 2 day visit with 3 classmates a year ago. One of them for the entire visit did nothing but tease me about how I talk to much. My reaction naturally was to get quieter and quieter, then told I was over reacting as this person kept it up. I hadn't seen this person in years, but began to suspect she was a covert Narcissist. Almost immediately after I left this person's home and drove home, I burst into tears and could not stop crying almost the entire trip home. I do not cry easily, in fact had never reacted like this before in 67 years. But due to going no contact with my family it's been a long time since I felt like I was walking on egg shells with anyone. Based on Dr.Mandeville's information in this video, I believe I must of "had my limit" and the unexpected tears was my reaction to that awful visit! Normally I am a fighter which is why I was so thrown by my reaction of tears that day. I also was doubting my assessment of my classmate being a Narc, these days I feel like they are every where I turn and this makes me also doubt myself further. But now I know, I was right due to my reaction of tears that day. I am going to start trusting my gut more in these situations. Thank you so much Dr.Mandeville! You are a God send and a huge blessing in my recovery recently from the past 68 years of being Scapegoated by my family!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for sharing this example - I’m sure it will help many. And - you’re welcome!

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

I just quit my job over customers personal attacks… aiming to do exactly that! Provoking me to react and claiming that I’m the abuser… also recording/ sharing the reaction and saying that I’m “crazy “ … and it absolutely is crazy making 😤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, it really can feel that way. Awareness is the first step toward change, and sounds like you have that awareness now...

[@Moonpie657]

Narcissistic abuse is real and I was severely abused but my abuse wasn’t only physical it was psychological . I married a narcissist to escape and basically went from bad to worse . I was denied sleep worked to the bone beaten but not killed I love this excuse cursed at and isolated . I was a trophy I called myself a flower pot ! Heck I’m surprised I didn’t have a collar . I’m 56 now free of the abuse but now I’m nothing more than a discarded has been . Yep ! I can spot abuse a Mile away I can taste the manipulation . Maybe I survived to help people and not have this happen to them . I suffer with PTSD and you know if I come off as Histrionic as one asshole doctor wrote it’s because you have no idea how abuse works and the aftermath . Now I’m left with crumbs I’m grateful and starting from scratch and scraps . I will never ever allow anyone to hurt me or my family again . Abusers take hostages you know !

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

They do, indeed. Relieved to hear you got away.

[@MysteryGrey]

My parents set me up for furthered DARVO/reactive abuse by my in-laws and 3 children of two marriages.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This can definitely happen. And then you're getting it from all sides.

[@Caroline_T]

I am so glad that this is actually seen and acknowledged. We are expected to be perfect all the time. I have really struggled with that. I was never allowed to act out of line when everyone else was. Most of the time I took the abuse pretty stoically. I do remember a time when as a teenager ( I was 14 and she was 17) I was just sick and tired of my older sisters' abuse. I took a plastic squirt gun and scared her in the shower with it. I know it was evil, but I was just so tired of taking it all of the time. She chased me down the hall in a towel and I laughed hysterically. I bet you can count on one hand the times I retaliated. No joke.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Especially true if the scapegoated child or adult is an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I used to remember back to being 17 and thinking that I had been a real 'b' to my other back then. But now that I remember how horrific she was to the point of terrifying me, I see that it was merely an act of rebellion and self-love to be nasty to her. For example, she was very heavy-set. She knew I did not like hugs from her, because when she hugged me, it was almost like she was trying to purposely suffocate me. She never gave hugs or kind words without an ulterior motive. So she did that to me once when I was 17, and I violently pulled away, accusing her of being a lesbian and trying to commit incest with me. It was only a hug, but I was so angry with her. I had a driver's license, a car and felt like I didn't need her or anyone at that point, so the last thing I wanted was anything akin to affection.

[@user-pw5di9wz1l]

Thank you so much for this video! This part I know very well and it's been the thing finally making me pull away completely from family. So much pullying, poking and provoking to get me react. I learned to be very careful and the tension building up I carried inside of me. But even just small signs of me being angry or annoyed made my mother victimize herself. She loved running of to family and tell them how crazy and scary I was. When my sisters were around I could almost feel a sense of excitememt in the room. Like they were all waiting for me to break and behave in the way they wanted me to. It felt like they created a story for themself that they really enjoyed. I felt it was almost like a game to them. I was all trapped. It would get me nowhere showing my true feelings to them because it was only a sign of me being the problem. Or it was seen as me faking emotions that just wasn't real.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very well said. And you said it all, right here. Thank you.

[@reesedaniel5835]

It's literally like interacting with another species that only appears to be human on the outside. I call them intra-species predators.

[@alberta3721]

I was abused and understand very well what you are speaking about, experienced that many times, even recently when I came to visit an area where I grew up. I am 61 now. I appreciate your work, thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome!

[@janegreen5301]

Thank you Rebecca Context is king. When I am searching for truth and understanding, I start with Context. A wise woman taught me that 31 years ago. It works. Your video today brought to mind a scene or two from my own experiences with a narcissist parent and watching my nephew's young bride absorb the scene without the family history context. Once again, dear woman, thank you for your wisdom and understanding and knowledge. I think I speak for many when I say; WE APPRECIATE YOU. Jane

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes - context is key to understanding. And one must be curious in order to be interested in context. Thank you, Jane!

[@wendyrobinson-wr4lg]

Absolutely appreciate! Couldn't have put it better. It's like, for the first time, somebody has thrown out a liferaft. Adding my thanks also.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@wendyrobinson-wr4lg Appreciate it.

[@dgvfsa66]

It is imperative that the psych community decide on a cohesive method of diagnosing PTSD, C-PTSD, Bi-polar, Autism, BPD.... and.... add FSA to the DSM -5. Extensive training is also needed. The overlap of criteria makes it nearly impossible for a proper diagnosis. And that diagnosis affects every aspect of our lives. I am now apparently labeled bi-polar. Supposedly, research shows bi-polars life expectancy is only 67. Ten years less than any other mental disorder. It is now impossible for me to purchase life or medical insurance. And let's not forget the homeless people who just have mental issues that are undiagnosed, misdiagnosed, and unmedicated. We are all just one step away from being the person pushing a shopping cart down the street talking to ourselves. There's my rant for the day🤬

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You can 'rant' here anytime, Denise. And, I agree with you completely. There are many, many overlaps. I've had quite a few clients diagnosed as bi-polar or borderline and they were actually suffering from C-PTSD - which also is still not in the DSM, btw.

[@dgvfsa66]

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Really??? It is unbelievable that C-PTSD is not in the DSM. I was initially diagnosed C-PTSD, and then somehow I miraculously became Bi-polar. At least I finally found the correct combination of meds. YAY!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@dgvfsa66 There's a petition on the menu of my website demanding C-PTSD be included in the next DSM. The WHO does acknowledge it, as of January 2020. My website is scapegoatrecovery.com.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I committed 'reactive abuse' twice that I can recall. My ex, a man I felt forced / coerced into marrying, reminded me of my narcissistic mother (abuse by proxy); playing mind games, passive-aggression to the max, and generally making me feel like a worthless less-than-human creature. On my birthday, we were celebrating at my brother's house. I had hoped that my then-husband (I hate using that word for him, but think of it as a 'legal term') would not show up. But, for free food, he would never turn that down. So he shows up and for whatever reason, I had some reaction. Maybe it was something my FOO member said or my mother making snide comments. But I went over to him and 'rubbed' his head like I wanted to twist it off and swore at him, screaming loudly, then left out of embarrassment and shame. On my drive back to the house I shared with him, it realized that it was the 'one-year anniversary' of the night he had taken me by force, an act which he knew would hurt me deeply, as I had told him about a previous incident. He later denied that this ever happened. Another time, he had been arguing with me / forcing his opinion on me. Then we drove together with our two kids to a family get-together at my parents' home, about 20 minutes away by car in silence. When we got there, as we were taking our coats off, he said one word about the argument, and I tried to kick him and hit him. He dodged away, but some of my family members saw it. And of course, out of context, it looked like I was an unhinged abuser. He and one of my siblings gave each a look that said, "Yeah, she's always been crazy / abusive / prone to random freak-outs..." This is another way of DARVO'ing and crazymaking. They do this on purpose. He was like my mother; evil and narcissistic as hell itself.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Both DARVO and Reactive Abuse involve manipulation and blame-shifting, that is true. But there are definite differences

[@Mia-gu4qh]

My ex narcissistic boyfriend actually recorded the only time I lost it and screamed at him after months and months of horrible abuse. Then he played it for me and said listen to how horrible you are and sound, and me I’m just silent and sighs🤯

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Ugh. So sorry.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

The fact that he had his recording device 'at the ready' tells me that it was totally premeditated and planned.

[@Mia-gu4qh]

That has actually crossed my mind too, thanks for the input!

[@arborwin]

I wish I could like this one a million times!!

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

I feel relieved when hearing this video. I have felt this in my family but tried hard not to react. The way they treated me felt kind of crazy making a lot of the times. I was told so many times that I was too sensitive, always angry, always negative, not reacting as a normal teen, etc. And I felt that perhaps they were right in their judgement. Because when they baited me it was kind of sublte a lot of the time. But to me it was hurtful, I guesse they knew where my buttons were. And I felt that even tough it may have been subtle it was clearly intended to hurt me and they were clearly in it together. I was the outsider and getting more and more depressed. When I went to therapy to get help with my depression they talked badly about my therapiest and they did it right in front of me. She was the only person at the time I could lean on so I couldn't help myself but react in those situations. When I did react my mum would start screaming like I had stabbed her or something. "Leave me alone, you make my stomache ache" and my dad would come and tell me to stop and that I was sick. But all I did was trying to set boundaries, I wasn't violent or loud or aggressive. I felt abused but have still a hard time believing that it was abuse because the whole situation felt so strange and hard to explain. I guesse it's the crazy making part. But whatever it was I would never do the same to my children. I would never want them to feel so alone and hurt in their family.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This form of abuse can at times be insidious and subtle, particularly when occurring in dysfunctional versus narcissistic family systems (highly traumatized family systems in particular). To learn more, you may want to read my research-based self-help book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have ordered your book and can't wait to start reading it. I think there were trauma in my family. I also think my mum had borderline with strong narcissistic traits and that my sister too is high on the narcissistic spectrum. There were a lot of manipulation from my mum. The last years we were in contact I feel like she pretended to be walking on eggshells so I would internalize all the bad things she told me and get the support she wanted from other familymembers.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji That can indeed happen. Check out my video on the covert Martyr Parent Ploy. I link to an article I co-wrote about this in the video description.

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThank you. I much appreciate your answer. My mum displayed a lot of martyr behaviors generally. I have been the cause of both her backproblems and her stomache ache. According to her, other people has told her there's no wonder she got backproblems due to what she went through with me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

They know how to milk it for all it's worth, that's for sure.

[@superpoodlehead]

I’ve been poked and prodded since I was a small child by my middle sister and oldest brother. They loved to torture me and tease me to the point of me screaming and crying. They are 6 &10 years older than me so I was small and they were much bigger than me. The beat goes on because they are all abusive to me still. I’m 63. I’m at the breaking point actually. My sister and brother in law continue to lie about me and slander me to my family. They play major games and are 100% lacking in self awareness. This goes on and on, has created a major divide and estrangement of me from the family, which I believe has been part of the plan. My brother in-law is the most evil and sick of all. He instigates EVERYTHING and continues to bait me.

[@Atheistbatman]

I’m. No contact for a year now and doing better daily but one thing I remember is what I called “the Setup pitch”…they’d ask my opinion or anything really just to smash it…100% of time very consistent. Even ask about who was doing some odd job around house (they’d have recommended) even a week later they’d go “Why are you using them they are horrible “…”What do u think about X?” That’s stupid, crazy, tsk, tsk…. They overplayed their hand and I finally saw what they are…30-40yrs too late but better than never

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I've seen that with family members who have not only a narcissistic streak, but a sadistic one. (Not diagnosing. Just sayin'.)

[@Darren-sn4ki]

I’m going too rehab because of alcohol addiction and scapegoat abuse from family narcissistic dysfunctional family and I’m going too rehab because of alcohol abuse and narcissistic abuse

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Holding a good thought for you. Check back in when you can.

[@Darren-sn4ki]

I will

[@lesliegann2737]

Another aspect is the double standard. For example, they are allowed to be as selfish as they want. But if you ever come across as anything resembling selfish behavior (such as establishing boundaries) you are judged severely for it and like you said they will remember your 'transgression' for the rest of their lives lol. Even more so if you ever point out their unhealthy behavior or lose your temper. When I wrote a well thought out email to my brother pointing out some things that didn't sit right with me, the first thing he said in his reply was "how dare you talk to me like that". Then he proceeded to reverse victim and offender where he was now the victim of me, the big bad sister. That was when I decided to go no contact.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is typically how it is when the scapegoated adult begins to set boundaries, and this is also supported by my original research on family scapegoating abuse (FSA).

[@SummerSparks-kf8cq]

U r spot on & a precious treasure Dear. I was so afraid of losing control of myself, knowing how it would turn out for me that I got help & eventually out b4 I got to that point thank goodness. No words can express how important ur work is to those who have yet to get out. 🏆♥️

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, I appreciate this.

[@danemyers1934]

I had to move back with family after years of being non my own and they have been so abusive that I'm considering homelessness to escape their awful mental abuse. I've sacrificed my identity and tried everything in hopes of breaking thru the narcissistic shell and I'm convinced that they won't stop until I'm dead. Once I leave I'm never going to look back and falling for their tricks any more. 30 years is enough. I can only love them from afar, I've finally decided to stop taking part. They don't love me, they are incapable. I'm done crying, I'm done isolating, I'm done. I've got nothing to show for my efforts except more pain than I knew I was capable of bearing. God is the only reason I haven't given up completely. If you are experiencing narcissistic abuse and reactive abuse PLEASE SAVE YOUR SELF, DO NOT FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS, LOVE YOURSELF AND LEAVE BEFORE THEY DRIVE THE NAIL IN YOUR COFFIN. THE ABUSERS END GOAL IS FOR THEIR VICTIM TO BE SILENCED THRU JAIL, DRUGS, DEATH. THEY WANT TO DESTROY YOU, YOUR EXISTENCE IS PROOF OF THE ABUSE AND THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO CONVINCE THE WORLD OF THEIR LIES. THEY ARE SICK, THERE IS NO CURE, SAVE YOURSELF BEFORE ITS TOO LATE

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for taking the time to share your painful FSA experiences. I'm sure many here will relate.

[@majasantl3712]

My story as well ... moved back after being on my own for 16 years and had no idea what I was going back to cause my childhood wasn't like this ... I mean, it wasn't perfect and, as I now see, the seeds of abuse were there but nothing and I really mean nothing like what I experienced during these last 10 years that I thought would only be a few months ... abomination ...

[@geetu1]

Thank you, I needed to hear this as they made me feel ashamed for years. Now I just say it upfront that if they try anything with me I’ll simply lose it infront of EVERYONE and not care who is watching especially as I noticed they are super nice to me in front of others and others know that I’m a decent reasonable person.

[@franklinplayz6323]

Yep, i went to pick my son up from my mothers hoiuse. I remwber walking in, they were sitting at the table. Nothing happened but my adrenalin went right up. I HAD to get out of rhere. I dont rven know what was going on. Larer on i had many instances of shouting at her. She would then cry and her bottom lip wpuld quiver and it was really fake. I knew she would then tell everyone i had been horrible to her. Once i shouted at her and ahe got herself admitted to hospital. When i arrived there her husband said 'you did this'. She had lost her ability to speak. When her husband left to go to the toilet she spokec o me clearly and fine, gushed all over me telling me i was wonderful for coming to the hospital. It was really odd. I was bound up in this dynamic for years. I also used to want to kill myself and had suicide notes and tablets ready. Withing a couple of months of estrangement i was fine. That for me was the confirmation i needed thst these peoblems i alledgedly had were in fact not caused by me. I hqve my life back now.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That’s an important experiment to run: “Do I feel different/better when I limit / end contact?”

[@michelle7647]

What we need to start focusing on is the NPD. The education needs to be geared twords the justice department legal professionals and health professionals. The severity of this mental illness / personality disorder. The capabilities of that whom develops this illness and disorder is every man woman and child's worst nightmare and been coined the quintessence of evil by German psychologist Eric fromm. The capabilities are endless including murder without the use of their own hands enough focus has been on the victims and the target we need to focus on the healing or remedy or treatment plan for that which goes undiagnosed held unaccountable and wreaking havoc with all of its characteristics around the world and is reason behind everything that we currently face at an all-time high today including but not limited to suicide.

[@amarbyrd2520]

Michelle -- you're going to need to remember that many of the "justice department legal professionals and health professionals" of whom you speak could be diagnosed with NPD themselves if they ever underwent extended scrutiny in therapy -- which they will never do because neither they nor the institutions they serve in are willing to acknowledge that there's anything wrong with them. Our American (and Euro-influenced) culture is so enamored and enabling of malignant narcissists that enough people voted for one in 2016 to provide Putin's Russian oligarchs with enough plausible deniability to install him in the White House (and - especially since he refuses to let go of power, just like his niece who's a licensed psychology professional tried to tell the country in her book that he would do, look what kind of meltdown our collective society has suffered ever since then. There hasn't been this kind of devolution of American society since the KKK ruined Reconstruction).

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

We are way behind the UK in regard to NPD and the legal system here in the US. My focus, however, is primarily on raising awareness about family scapegoating abuse (FSA), which can happen in any type of dysfunctional family system - not just a narcissistic one.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I agree to some extent. When I was a teen in the 1980s (USA), the conventional wisdom was, "There's one (loser / problem child) in every family." So for me to be a 'troubled teenager with raging hormones' was considered normal, especially since we were fed, clothed, housed and very involved in the church. What I would love society to begin to recognize is that if you have a child or teenager acting out, not acting differently, but acting very weird, very angry, very scared, very sexually knowledgeable, etc. that should raise red flags and make you wonder what is going on in that home. That's not to say all kids in those situations need to go into foster care, which can add trauma, but that someone needs to at the very least approach that child, telling them that being beaten or bullied is not okay, even when it happens at home. Give THEM the information to help...because you know damned well talking to the parents or flying monkey siblings won't do anything and may serve to cause greater abuses, because HOW DARE the SG let the 'family secret' out. Maybe schools should have classes in elementary or junior high, or high school even, talking about abusive relationships, how to do know if you are in an abusive relationship, and what you can do to survive / bide your time / plan your escape / save your sanity, etc. so that they don't have to live an entire lifetime as so many of us raised in the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s had to, before we even dared contemplate, "Maybe it wasn't just me. Maybe something happened to make me 'this way'."

[@ggccministry8494]

Spot on! Wonder if there is research to show statistics on... when the malignant narc returns after years of no contact? Family mobbing and violent altercations from siblings in adult years? Expecting the scapegoat adult child to be the caretaker for the narc parent in their senior years?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm conducting new research as we speak. First survey is on my website and linked in my last video here. I will hit some of the issues you mention in a future survey - Two more will be out this year.

[@amarbyrd2520]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse "Expecting the scapegoat adult child to be the caretaker for the narc parent in their senior years?" And without even bothering to mention it first -- there's just "an accident" and then the scapegoat adult child is called (no matter how far away) under the blanket of "You're the closest living family member; we wanted you to know what was happening" ... and then there you are, in the hospital, talking with the doctors, doing all the things the "good child" is supposed to do -- without any indicators (from the hospital either) what levels of 24/7 attention you're supposed to offer to the (often self-inflicted or self-aggravated) medical emergency ... and not only do the doctors and hospitals and neighbors NOT CARE how big a chunk is taken out of our lives (and too often "let me know whatever I can do" is just a big old lie people like that tell to make *themselves* feel better) ... there were NEVER ANY PLANS made for the actual logistics of senior caretaking, and it was never discussed as a "family matter". Just entitlement and expectations -- and everyone in the extended family also expects the same. My mother pulls it with every illness -- when my father became ill when they were separated (he works in another state) she refused to go so I had to go instead (and gave up a promotion to do it which everyone else seemed to be just fine with). He became so abusive as a recovering patient I vowed never to caretake for him again (and have kept that promise to self), but ... I can't really talk much more about the hit the life took that I was struggling to develop for myself took, not w/o risking a meltdown

[@TWILLIE639]

@@amarbyrd2520 I’m a 63 yo woman (oldest sibling of two brothers) who’s been told that I don’t make “rational decisions” so therefore I can’t have any say in mother’s aging care - not the logistics of where she will live nor any transparency about how long her money will last. That’s because they’ve sought no legal/financial advice - his concern is getting ALL her money and he’s depriving her to get it. Mom’s miserable but she built her own prison and her son is the warden.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good idea for video topic - This does happen - the scapegoated family member is discarded and then reeled back in to take care of aging / ill family members.

[@amarbyrd2520]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Just reading something now about how aging narcissistic parents want what they never gave

[@leilanoorani2976]

Thanks Rebecca! I appreciate the way you break down the individual terms, behaviors, and mechanisms, etc. so we are able to better understand and communicate the different scenarios associated with family scapegoating abuse. It’s so helpful to have word for these scenarios -makes it real, tangible, and not some fiction we are being accused of making up (often by our abusers).

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're most welcome, Leila!

[@natashafranko4951]

Thank you very much , your video has been very helpful. It is so true abusers try very hard to make their victim look like the crazy one . I have been suprised by the extent these cruel people will go to , to be extraordinarily obscenely abusive . Its hard to see initially, especially when its not ones normal behaviour, to want to hurt others . Their apetite for greed is profound too. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I appreciate your comment. Glad you're here. Linking you to a list of recovery resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you see something of interest: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@natashafranko4951]

Thank you very much 😊

[@user-ip8vs7sm5d]

Thank you for giving voice to this form of abuse. It means the world to me to hear these concepts articulated so well. Since I had a surprising re emergence of narcissistic abuse and no therapist to turn to I am still having these rageful outbursts which remain disturbing to me and really needed to understand why…

[@Whoifanyone]

Do you ever speak on the silent treatment? . Because this is what my narcissistic family does to me every time I have an emotion that threatens their ego in any way. And until I apologize they do not speak to me. But little do they know I'm healing and I'm not apologizing this time.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That's an excellent topic for a video. I had a client once who came home late from a date when she was 16 and her mother did not speak to her for an entire YEAR! I'll add it to my list.

[@lookingtowardsthesun]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, please do! I am a brand new subscriber and I love all of your content and your compassionate way of sharing and explaining narcissism and narcissistic abuse. My mother has been using the silent treatment off and on throughout my life, and prior to me learning that she is most likely a narcissist, I would ask her what's wrong, to no avail or I would ruminate over what I could have said or done to cause her to not want to talk to me. We are currently on a two month Silent Treatment "Punishment" streak. But now that I have wisdom of narcissistic tactics, I've come to appreciate the silent treatment periods and view them as periods of blissful vacation 😄!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@lookingtowardsthesun Who knows, hyou may want to keep it going (!) Glad you are enjoying my channel. You may also want to check out my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' where I explain FSA in detail.

[@lookingtowardsthesun]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse lol, yes! Thank you, I'll check it out!

[@dianeensminger38]

Oh my goodness - I'm seeing things that happened in a totally different light. I just don't understand why she acted that way but I probably never will.

[@charlottetrades3367]

It’s simply part of the Healing Process. At the end of the day 23 years of No Contact has worked extremely well for me regarding my Family of Origin. 🐻

[@redpillgirl1843]

This is very descriptive of my life. It’s so good to hear you talk about this very real reaction. I am 59 and my covert narcissist mother still does this to me, she must feel comforted by my disregulation. (I have gone no contact now) the other thing I see in me is that I have adopted some of her narcissistic tendencies for my own survival. I am horrified by this. I am a natural empath but I have realized I learned as a child to squash that to survive and become indifferent. 😢 Thank you so much for your videos, they are so validating. I have just started reading your book and I am looking forward to healing and moving for to a regulated life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're so welcome, and glad you got my book - and I do have a chapter on being the Empath in there, btw. I have a theory about why such mothers seem compelled to emotionally dysregulate their daughters: It is because they feel threatened (particularly if the daughter is healthier than the mother psycho-emotionally) and they want to feel 'older', more mature, and in control. (At least, that was my experience - !)

[@samme1024]

Thank you. This really resonates with me. I am an Empath and am calm and kind usually. I've been living with my narc parents for the last 5 1/2 years because of a physical disability and have had a few moments where I called them out. I hated being that angry and explosive, but the pendulum swung the other way. Hopefully I will move soon and be free from them and others like them forever.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, that is a particularly challenging living situation, to say the least. Wishing you the best.

[@samme1024]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much. And also thank you for all of your supportive advice. 🙏💛💛

[@NoMoreMrNiceGuy2003]

20/20 hindsight shows that so-called "reactive abuse" is just part of their demonic smear campaign. I much appreciate how you challenged the phrase, yet admit that it's the one that "we're stuck with" to describe our part in the attack of them trying to look like the "good" guy. 6:00--Like you say, "all context is removed" indeed. (That's all part of them playing chess while they're hoping that you're playing checkers at that same time). What I found annoying was when I would talk on the phone with one of these so-called people was how they would magically just change their normal demeanor and all sudden act like they were fed up of know or even though there was no tensions that we were ever talking about in terms of that subject to whatever. After having been transparently DARVOed enough times, I got pretty good at not taking the bait. Grey-rock or politely end the conversation has become my MO for that sort of thing

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, context is critical. Thank you for your comment.

[@colleenpage1265]

actually i was talking about the reactive abuse,'we like to get you mad', which I found sadistic, but thanks for that link, it was helpful too

[@jane_7193]

Rebecca, you deserve a Nobel prize for your work. As does Jay Reid, too.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Could you even imagine? This would mean society recognizes, cares about, and values validating child victims and adult survivors of this type of psycho-emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse. I was glad to see Jay's book when he published it as my book focuses more on dysfunctional, highly traumatized family systems, not strictly narcissistic ones.

[@jane_7193]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I, and many, many people can imagine it. Perhaps that is the beginning. In my native country, this wound runs in families, through generations. Is there anything more rewarding than knowing that one' s work is assisting many, many people in their journey of healing. That is a beautiful and priceless gift to give to one's fellow human beings. Thank you, Rebecca.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, your acknowledgment of my efforts to raise awareness regarding FSA means much.

[@jane_7193]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 💐🏆♥️

[@northerngaltrue]

Oh this is so true. My tormenter would drive me to the edge of my mind. Then I would lose it. And then I would apologize. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. Until I started to journal our conversations and began to see the pattern. So I went grey rock. Took tremendous self control but worth it and gave me a shred of my dignity back.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Great idea, to journal the conversations. Dignity is worth fighting for.

[@musicandpoetry_8]

What hurts the most is seeing these aholes going about having a good life while you’re damaged goods. It’s really so unjust.

[@cindysykes8289]

Thank you for making a video on this and I was in a situation with a family member who lied and my license was in jeopardy. I am so thankful and fortunate that I was able convince the authority figures involved of the truth of the events. The person who created the problem has made me out to be the abuser and them the victim. This really happens.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Painful but powerful example. Thank you for letting me know. I've had more than one client put in this position. It is not a situation I would wish on anyone. Glad you made it through, license in tact.

[@cindysykes8289]

Me too, I had to overcome dyslexia plus all the trauma to get my license. It took me till I was 50. It was a hard road and so proud of my accomplishments Plus my family can not stand that I the black sheep who was supposed to be the dumb one and was reminded of that on a regular basis to have a higher education than the golden child. Families will go to great links to try to keep the homeostasis. I use my education and exercise to help trauma survivors understand and overcome their abuse. I really do appreciate you doing this research and talking about the scapegoat.

[@rebeccabailey5988]

This was a light bulb video for me. My burden of shame and guilt is getting lighter. Thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear. You'll want to watch this video next, if you haven't already - it's on toxic shame (which I also discuss in my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'): kzbin.info/www/bejne/hXPSZZ6vZaZ3irc

[@francesca3453]

That’s me fighting back. Walk away and be happy.

[@mm669]

Very informative. Thank you. I have never heard this explained before.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad it was helpful!

[@happygucci5094]

Your channel deserves waaaaaay more subscribers- thank you for making these videos

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is a relatively new channel still, but thank you!

[@roomg03]

100% I was waiting for the one word that summarizes this whole encounter with a narcissist (who then plays victim) … MANIPULATIVE! A priest friend plays out this pattern to a T which TRIGGERS me emotionally … enrages me! As this then leads to a parallel reminder, to earlier pattern w my mother, a source of trauma bond. When this happened I reached for alanon literature, yet I need / want more actionable choices to take care of me when triggered. Can you remind us of what to do when Triggered? What are 3 Do’s n Don’ts that might help?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You might watch my playlist for survivors/clinicians/therapists where I specifically address complex trauma and structural dissociation. ‘Noticing’ and vagal breathing are a good place to start. ( posted a video on vagal breathing in the Community tab of this channel.

[@patscorci9205]

Thank you so much for this post. You described my whole life especially my marriage after 27 years of marriage. I am getting a divorce. Fingers were pointed at me. I felt so horrible like a huge zero through therapy, church friends and 12 step programs I have come to realize I played a part in all this by being reactive, extremely reactive. It’s very hard when your whole family That you created has been groomed to make you a scapegoat as it is, my daughter won’t talk to me during this divorce. I’ve decided that I’m fine with that. I will not chase people don’t love me. That is the conclusion I have come to. I miss my ex, but then I realize what he either knowingly or unknowingly groomed me to be then I don’t miss him anymore. Thank you for all this insight

[@Mia-gu4qh]

Thank you for this great lecture! I had no idea this was a concept. I can relate to different “ incidents”in my life and the feeling was definitely extreme fight and fly feeling, like my life was dependent on it. And boy what both my narcissistic parents and brother had a blast! I can tell that they do and say things just to try to get me to react but now when I’m heeling I don’t get trigger the same way so no blast for them anymore.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad it was helpful - Breathing and walking away can be a good first step to avoid falling into the 'reactive abuse' trap.

[@christinaisis3158]

Oh how true. I hope you are well away from them. When Ive had to be in social situations i dread it. They put me down if i am near them. Everything is a competition. Really bonkers people. And let me say, those who sit on the fence and enable this behaviour saying nothing are condoning cruelty

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I addressed this in my latest video, as a matter of fact: In this video on FSA and Sibling Estrangement, I said “Silence is Complicity” when it comes to adults (including siblings) observing (or participating) in the abuse.

[@MichaelSmith-jz7xg]

I have had a restraining order against me for over a year after an episode of reactive abuse in my childhood home. What I haven’t realized until now is that it’s actually allowed me to break away from my Narcissistic mother as a mandated form of No Contact. It’s really been a blessing in disguise, though it’s caused me to become more isolated. I’m grateful to find videos such as these as a way to focus on healing from the trauma and scapegoating I have experienced my entire life. The question that haunts me now is: Where do I go from here???

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very wise point of view you have developed. You might start with this list of resources here I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@carrieyacono]

Yes it is serious stuff! My mother called the police on me for this very type of abuse 3 days after a hysterectomy! It was awful and the aftermath was awful! I hadn’t even been out of bed except to feed myself and my cat and go to the bathroom. The cops dragged me handcuffed behind my back with a belly full of stitches inside and out. Three days later they charged me. After a year if the nighhtmare the state declined to prosecute! I had file a restraining order against my own mother who had the police file one on me but refused to hold herself to the no contact order she invoked! It was the ultimate crisis that lead me to no contact, which she still won’t respect! The damage was already done from the charges in and of themselves however! She insisted the police woukd drop everything if i just went and “got the mental help i needed” 🙄 like it even f-ing works that way! And the mental help I need? Yeah, i may need it but not in the way she thinks i need it! It’s devastating and heart breaking! I recently found video footage of her hitting me at age 42! I forgot i took it! But she haf started and i decided to start rolling my video on my phone. My storage is out snd i was looking to see what i could delete and came across it! I always get this amnesia with my family and their abuse……and i don’t know how to make that stop!

[@wendyedwards9382]

I feel a sense of grounding just to have found your KZbin Rebecca. I am so grateful. You are amazing, I really mean that. My first continuous memories of my ASB abuse is when my parents used to take me and my two older siblings for a drive to the beach on weekends, tablelands etc for something to do I guess, or to avoid each other was when I was about 8 and would sing aloud in the car to entertain myself. Sight seeing was not interesting to me then. When the car got a flat or broke down my father would blame it on my singing and openly make fun of me…this happened each time our family had to endure hours of loitering no where in particular due to him not having maintained his vehicle. Although I I have clear memories of thinking his put downs were ‘mean (a jerk) and knew it was untrue’ and because I was intimidated by him I lived silently with my thoughts with no reassurance from other family members. I will add that he never stopped me singing on car trips. I would sing ‘ One eyed purple people eater’ and other repetitive song I learnt from school. Internally I was amused when, after outright ridicule and blame, I sat on the road side with a fighting and absolute will, watching him sweat as he battled the jack. His nickname for his youngest daughter, me, was Toad. The blame was heavy even then, when I was highly spirited, intuitive and purely sensitive to right and wrong. This was the beginning of a life of FSA. My family won wore me down, they broke that highly spirited Toad who grew up loyal and loved them unequivocally regardless of the endless scapegoating and let’s face it, society tells us ‘family is everything’. So the impertinent 8 year old had to be wrong, didn’t she? I submitted with the desire to be loved and included. Nothing I did ever met their expectations…because they never wanted it to!

[@Xavriel]

I'm being surveilled photographed and stalked and what you're describing is exactly what I'm going through. It's been five years of this in my neighborhood. I can't even look out my window without someone taking a picture of me. Someone stole toilet paper from my house.... people keep stealing from me and abusing me and they won't stop no matter what I do.

[@asasial1977]

I sounds exactly like my father. Then dated women who acted the same because it was normalized in my head. They would all push me to the absolute edge then blame me. Of course they were completely innocent of anything.

[@sheritaa3032]

Yup. Your human reaction to their toxicity is the problem 😕

[@emilyashley4820]

Thank you Rebecca for always being professional and inclusive. I have never heard you speak ill of autistic people. Another influencer made a sweeping generalization about someone being autistic when that person sounded like a sociopath (A person wrote in to the influencee and her letter brought up this man who had a different kid with four different women and was dating the fifth, and he didn't get his new girlfriend's complaints against him). The influencer said that not getting it wasn't neurotypical. And went on to label the jerk as autistic.I suggested books by Tony Atwood to learn more about autism. It felt bad to hear her talk this way; it felt dehumanizing, as if all Asperger people were seen as defective. Just sharing, peace.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm sorry to hear this, Emily. It is always problematic when one is diagnosing anyone who is not their client. I see this happen with unlicensed people as well, here and elsewhere, which leaves me scratching my head. The perils of 'pop psychology' that is not grounded in experience, wisdom, or brain science.

[@emilyashley4820]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for your insightful comments. And thank you for the validation. Peace. ✌

[@pattisSd]

These podcasts have been so incredibly helpful. I feel like I have real hope for the first time in my life and I'm in my late 60's. I am buying your book as well as a couple of others that are recommended on the website. I am looking for a support group for survivors of FSA. Please share links or information on such groups if there are any. Tha k you!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

No official 'FSA' support group yet, but I will post a few that I know about in the Community tab again soon. I hope you find my book helpful.

[@pattisSd]

Thank you so much. You are truly changing lives.

[@colleenpage1265]

I experienced exactly this. Had a falling out with older sister (dominant sibling). She withdrew and commenced silent treatment ( lasted 20 years). In the beginning I asked my mother to keep on having FOO gettogethers and invite everyone and each could decide to attend or not. She quickly formed a coalition with sister and they had family gettogethers, complete with spouses and grandchildren, without me and my family. When I would react with anger and tears, mother would say 'We like to get you mad.' Sick F*^€> Sh%# that!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Classic. In Family Systems, we call what your sister did forming 'alliances'. Here's a video on siblings and scapegoating abuse, in case you missed it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/opnFZoqairtlp5I

[@junerm21]

Even worse, is when you're 21, and you're a young female studying towards a professional degree, and your dying grandmother makes you promise to care for her daughter, your diabolical mother, for the rest of her life. This happened to me back in 1985. The way I saw it, my grandmother was damning me to a life of hell and killing all of my happy future dreams.

[@charlottemckenzie5259]

Oh God I'm the master at reactive abuse. I'm working on this.

[@AkachoOmulepu]

I just randomly came across your channel and wow, I have never felt so seen.

[@GoodGodManWTH]

My copy of your book came in before I left for a short trip. 🙌🏼 so I’ll start on it now that I’m back. Perfect for my BD resolution that is coming up. I make a resolution every year on my BD that I want to change about myself or do to better thru out the year mentally. It has worked way better for me than a New Year’s resolution and it means more to me. ☮️ ❤️🤗

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sounds like a good plan. I do hope you find my book on FSA helpful.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Also got the new book “Rejected, shamed and blamed” and it’s very enlightening… taking it slow but…wow. Thanks Dr Rebecca 💟

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Wonderful - glad you got the book. Yes, do go slow - it is brief, but very dense. Many people have told me they have read it several times and get more out of it each time.

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Wow! This was a revelation to me. Thank you!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad it was helpful!

[@wackywally69420]

I am being scapegoated by my partners family system, i am the only one cleaning the house and taking care of animals and i am unemployed due to disability as well as being a scapegoat is my full time job since i constantly have to work off my debt i owe due to existing. Despite this, any time i have a meltdown becausw of being forced to my breaking point (im also autistic), they make a big deal of how much im abusive and my partner needs to break up with me, but they talk about it more like i am a rabid dog that needs to be put down because they are so dehumanizing with how they talk about me. Its hard to remember the exact things they do because its more like a general feeling, being autistic makes it even harder. But an example is that they have barely acknowledged my existence the 6 years ive been in a serious relationship with my partner, and the first time we met my partner EXPLICITELY told their mom NOT to hug me and of course the first thing she does when she sees me is quite literally drag me out of the vehicle and force a hug on me. Sending me into a months long panic attack that she continuously uses as an excuse for her own behavior, like oh you were screaming once or throwing things once after i deliberately ruined something you were doing, so you are the abuser and ruining my life and im kicking you out (we drove across the country to escape my abusive family and my partners abusive dad because their mom put on this show like she was gonna save us from them) We have explained until blue in the face why i do the things i do, how exactly they affect me with their behavior, how im autistic and agoraphobic and working throught c-ptsd on my own, but they do not care, they just want to push me until i break then blame generations of trauma in their family on me so they can keep pretending they are normal

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

Thank you! I always look fwd to your videos! So appreciate your important work! We need to know what "reactive abuse" is because abusers try to implant self-hate. I had not thought of it in terms of flight/fight/freeze but of course, that makes sense!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome - And I appreciate you being here.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

It makes sense, too that as children, we may have had only two choices: freeze or fawn. As we grew, became more independent and/or left the home (flight), we realized, even if only on a subconscious level, how wrong it all was, and begin to exert some small semblance of rebellion / defense (fight). I was told as an adult by my older sister that I was always "looking for a fight," because I stopped putting up with constant abuse. When I stopped to think about it, as a child, I'm the one who would hide in closets or run away, one time jumping off our deck about 6' off the ground and running into a cornfield to get away from the chaos. So, yeah, obviously I was provoking conflict!! I wonder, Dr. Mandeville, where does sarcasm fit in the fight/flight/fawn/freeze response cycle? Seems to me that I developed a very sharp sarcastic wit as a way to deal with some of their b.s. and for whatever reason, narcissists don't seem to pick up on the sarcasm if it's done subtly.

[@fiddlelove5889]

Yes this is it exactly.I am 60 years old now and it still functions If I contact anyone of my family. And because I broke the contact it shifted to my daughter and grandchild. They hooked her and destroy her.- so they get me hooked again. So even the departments of support do not understand and turn it around. It' s unbearable.There is no help even the therapists do not understand. It' turns around and last fashion is to say I victimize myself.( I have 4! university degrees!) Your work is my hope being understood in my life

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very glad you're here. Linking you to a list of resources I put together in case something catches your eye: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@fiddlelove5889]

Thank you🫶🏼

[@vaudyP]

thank you for naming this. I have found it difficult to describe the abuse and answer very serious accusations in legally definitive terms that don't sound like self help videos. I have shockingly been assaulted, insidiously arrested for an assault on myself, outrageously and absurdly accused of elder abuse, policed for suddenly inflicted prohibitions, of course i defy stupidity , they overtly used this method, instigating reaction by manhandling me, roughing me up just when their police response rounded the corner. called them out for no reason and waited til it was witnessable. Totally unfathomable in the mature peaceful end of a once traumatised life to have a sibling marched back in seething with with a toxic monster 35 years bigger instead of 35 years tamer. I even had achieved the unachievable, i had siccessfully defanged the primary perpetrators into a harmonious dotage, coached and facilitated peace joy and respect, got from 0 to 90% unprecedented healthy interactions in 20 months of caring. , and this is hpw i get rewarded. totally confusing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource page: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mqjJdp2EmLSCfLs

[@user-ct1fj9pc4k]

Thank you ❤

[@kimberlygabaldon3260]

Thank you once again! I did not lash out physically, but have been blamed, (for the past 50 yesrs), for "exclusionary" behavior toward the golden child. The fact was that i was trying to protect myself from false accusations made by her. She would hit us, then run to our mother and say that we were bullying her, then stand there smirking as we were yelled at. I would also try to protect things that I had earned, (all she had to do was throw a big enough fit, and it would be ripped away from me and handed to her). It seemed that there was quite a bit of triangulation going on, and I was almost always at the losing end of it. Her latest complaint, for which she DEMANDED an apology, was that i did not drag her along when i was a teen, and went out with my friends. I see that as normal behavior. How many teens drag along their elementary school aged siblings, when going out with friends? In my opinion, the fact that she demands an apology speaks to her mindblowing level of entitlement, and does not indicate any abuse by me. It seems as if she was so convinced of her entitlement to anything I had, that she now has to retroactively demand rights to the one thing she could not wrest from me - my friends. I refused to offer that apology.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I mention this issue of being told to apologize in the video I released this past Saturday on reactive abuse. Do watch that one if you haven't yet.

[@kimberlygabaldon3260]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you! I will check it out. You address many things in your videos that are often overlooked by others.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks for noticing that. Here's the link to the video I mentioned, if you need it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/r3aTfYxtraaLZsk

[@klarmy8824]

Yet again you have educated me. Thank you so much, I have gotten so much from your videos. So grateful for your content Dr. Mandeville. I look forward to your new video every week.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Happy to help!

[@user-ct1fj9pc4k]

Thanks 🙏

[@shedeeforreal]

Thank you 🙏

[@glenngoodman7272]

What great insight into that dynamic

[@buqeosmani2547]

Is this similar to “righteous rage”?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Similar, but not the same. I created the term 'righteous rage' and it is more of an awareness, versus an aggressive action. Great question!