Narcissist Insider’s View of Shared Fantasy (Narcissist and Partner)

In the shared fantasy, I refuse to act as a man, partly owing to nondifferentiated gender roles and partly because of Peter Pan Puer Aeternus syndrome: I refuse to grow up and to assume adult chores and responsibilities.
I accept that, in order to persevere and survive within my increasingly more sexless shared fantasy (in which I am intermittently a child or a father, but never an adult man), my woman has to meet her sexual and emotional needs with (other) men.
As long as there is no risk of abandonment, I turn a blind eye or even encourage my intimate partner tacitly or openly to cheat on me and resort to other men as extensively and for as long as she needs to.
As my woman has emotional and sexual affairs and casual sex with other men, I do not experience any romantic jealousy or any other emotion except sometimes a relief that I do not have to cater to her demands as a woman: it is someone else's problem now, she had outsourced the potentially thorny and threatening issue.
With her gone, imposing on another man's time and resources, I have now regained mastery of my life and feel liberated (like a child when the nagging adults are away). Nuisance busy elsewhere, I am left to my pleasurable devices and time consuming vocations or avocations. I can finally be a child and play in the sandbox unperturbed and unencumbered. I fulfill the father role when my woman seeks my advice or asks for money - and then revert to childish form.
When I perceive a growing and veritable risk of abandonment (for example: the woman becomes avoidant, secretive, or deceptive), I begin to stalk my woman persistently and intrusively. I abruptly impose new strict rules and boundaries and insist on exclusivity. I limit my partner's contact with men or prohibit it altogether. I may even initiate short-term reclaim sex until I deem the shared fantasy restored.
The more approach-avoidant, labile, and dysregulated the woman is, the higher the probability of abandonment and loss and the more difficult it is to maintain a stable shared fantasy. This creates a sempiternal lovebombing-grooming-honeymoon phase with lots of sex and thrills. This may explain why narcissists find borderlines and histrionics irresistible but are more likely to end up having a stable sexless shared fantasy with a codependent or a healthier woman.
In most cases, by this stage, my newfound assertiveness pushes the woman to either abandon me or ignore me disdainfully and aggressively because: 1. She got used to life as a virtual single and refuses to relinquish it; and 2. The sexlessness, absence of masculinity and virility, infantilization, emotional absenteeism, and doormat acceptance of her cheating lead the woman to lose all respect for me, to hold me in utter contempt, and to resent me, be furious at me, and feel deceived and fooled.
By now, my woman is likely to have developed sex aversion and she finds me repulsive. If she stays, it is merely to enjoy material benefits or because she can find no alternative. She doesn't bother even to act and pretend that she is within the shared fantasy anymore.
I become increasingly more delusional as I fend off the menacing and harrowing realization that it is all over. I cling to any shred of evidence to support the ongoing existence and potency of the shared fantasy, I reject any evidence to the contrary.
When there is actual or imminent abandonment involving other men, I experience mortification, romantic jealousy (dread of loss), and abandonment anxiety.
In the bargaining phase, I relentlessly push the woman to cheat ostentatiously and overtly - even humiliating me in public in the process - so as to feel justified to get rid of her and to be able to shift the blame for the breakup (alloplastic defense and disguising an internal mortification as an external one).
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[@dkwduke]

I have to wonder how his wife and past 26 relationships view this video as they have lived it and see both sides: their own and his. This video helps “normal” people understand how the narc’s brain works for something that seems so “un” understandable to us. Sam’s work is the only thing that has helped me to understand and helped me move on

[@simonefurst949]

this absolute analytical honesty is mindblowing.

[@delmarayjr]

fearless dude

[@onxiaftw]

more like it is narcisistic

[@Scrap74h]

@@onxiaftw 🤣🤣

[@Scrap74h]

@@Otonium it's TRUTH. these days its Never seen!! The bravery is so impressive

[@Kangaroo211]

So so courageous 😢

[@kimalexander8276]

Your honesty and vulnerability is so refreshing. You have no idea how much your work is appreciated and how much it has helped in my journey of understanding and healing 🌹

[@lilittle920]

Your description of sex with a narcissist is SPOT ON.

[@MS-AllThingsWild]

"Self styled empathy (covert narcissists)" Lol, love it!

[@zima3181]

This helps me to understand so much. Not just my screwed up relationships, but why I attract and was getting attracted to those people (in both genders). Most importantly, though, it shed the light on my parents' relationship dynamics, which shaped my own. ...I am not sure if I can learn to have attraction to the mentally healthy people. Sometimes it feels like I stuck in craving "the excitement", because I don't know how to be otherwise.

[@Selah1141]

❤

[@Mark-gw3ui]

My favorite word ever that you say ‘mastubatory’ 😂 12:18

[@velmadenton3254]

Two Words! Rabidity and Candor! I know of no one else on this planet with your COURAGEOUSNESS to splay out their inner narcissism views!

[@patricialk4996]

Dr. Vaknin, Just, Wow! Thank you for just giving real facts and not sensationalizing this terrible disorder.

[@niajuita7424]

Your channel is AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGG Prof..i loveeeee all your superb videos..im the victim of the NARC..i had done my greatest ESCAPE after the 18 months of a toxic relationship with the NARC..thank u so muchhhhhhh Prof Vaknin..well doneeeeee..

[@tinapatton9570]

Thank you 🙏🏻 Sam I appreciate the authenticity and truth !

[@christinabeita5671]

Can you make more video on somatic shared fantasy,more details, please? Im a big fan,Sam. Thank you for your work.

[@samvaknin]

Will do.

[@kimerietate8372]

Could you possibly speak to the narcissist's one day declaring eternal love, then literally THE NEXT DAY, stating his INDIFFERENCE?

[@kundalinigirl6816]

Minnie can't win between her main guy with histrionic world fame...and you with your intriguing bitter charm, peptide inducing high IQ and ravishing good looks.... she really needs to do her shadow work 😁😆😅 All kidding aside, as always, your videos are profound with wisdom, humor and healing. Thank you.

[@saraaaa1986]

I can't thank you enough for this 🙏🏻

[@caridimarzio8804]

Thanks so much for your honesty. This was very interesting.

[@sandrafiorettiloughlin1023]

Your enlightenment could not be categorized under the term “modicum” to anyone with any assemblance of intelligence or desire for the truth. And thank you for your refusal to play in the proverbial pile of shit others are all too happy to roll in.

[@deezee3919]

Sam I m hooked to your channel can't stop listening to u over and over again we broke up and then another narc came into my life but I recognized the traits and end it within a week now both my excess are together I think they are good for each other thank God & you

[@adest5672]

I believe you when you say you are a Narcissist because you are so appealing...

[@samvaknin]

You ought to wear your glasses when you watch KZbin.

[@seviyorim]

The interpretation belies a bias towards looks-based appreciation . I believe “Appealing” is a more open term.

[@samvaknin]

You have a point there, sugar punch.

[@gordanaginamihajlovska6125]

Go, Sam... I am grateful to the internet for revealing the mediocrity that lay hidden.

[@cameogutierrez3466]

Thank you Sam ❤

[@cindyk4324]

Wow. Thank you, Dr. Sam.

[@solveigrose5537]

The first three minutes in and I already have serious problems containing my laughing like crazy..

[@judithoketch4332]

100% correct. Nothing else but the whole truth

[@craftershope]

Thanks, I found the grounding to my mess

[@renateamrhein7672]

I like this sense of humour!

[@kareem1878]

Dr. Vaknin, I've watched most of your videos and I wanted to ask what is the distinct difference that separates a narcissistic personality from a borderline? I can't pinpoint it because they are quite similar, they both have a fear of abandonment, or have episodes of intense anger or outbursts, both require attention, insecure etc. I wanted your perspective on this as I've researched everywhere.

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/faq82.html

[@kareem1878]

@@samvaknin Insightful information- this is exactly what I was looking for, thank you.

[@evka24]

thats well funny introduction....:) hahaha..love your sense of humour

[@user-yg9iz6hx7c]

Dear Professor Vaknin, This monologue could become an amazing material for the theater play. In the style of the ‘De Profundis’ by Oscar Wilde.

[@samvaknin]

Go for it.

[@jasnanelson912]

Can a shared phantasy be a child initiated by him to secure safety as a supply? Thanks

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@shugababy517]

Do you hoover after mortifications?

[@samvaknin]

No. Narcissist never hoover after true mortification.

[@miamakilaartist]

What was that defense called, that you talked about? The one where the narcissist needs to shift blame to an external mortification. I have tried to google what I think it sounded like but with no luck because I didn't quite hear how the word would be spelled. 😊 Great video as always, thanks for sharing yourself so openly.

[@samvaknin]

Alloplastic defense. The opposite is autoplastic defense.

[@miamakilaartist]

@@samvaknin That's it, thanks! 😊

[@MrChristian1506]

@samvaknin Professor regarding topic of this video is hard for me to understand what would be the point of view in case of female narcissist? Does it applies that she would be gender neutral and not know how to be a women? Does it change dynamics somehow if it’s female narcissist?

[@samvaknin]

There are no psychodynamic differences between female and male narcissists.

[@jackiebattisto4927]

My husband is full blown BPD. His ex wife is a covert narcissist addicted to money and prestige. She has pathological entitlement issues. She knew he couldn’t deal with the divorce and signed the contract without reading it. They are both lawyers. Ugggh. She got him for almost 7,000 per month for 17 years. Plus college for the three sons that have not called him in 10 years. His parents left them money for school but ex wife entitlement psychopath must have their money too. She stays in a tear down in the most prestigious neighborhood. She spends all his money on it so none is left for the kids. Now they are adults . She used her child support to keep his million dollar life insurance. He never got the promotion he was expecting. He lost his job. We’ve struggled for years in hundred of thousands in debt. She lives pay check to pay check next to a 25 million dollar estate. She just took us back to court and got 70% of his salary for 4 more years. He will be 69. There is no time to catch up. There is a GOD. I found she’s stolen 40 of OUR checks. Got caught in 2020 and admitted to one. I found the other 38 on my own. My BOD husband doesn’t understand that I tail against him putting her first. I’m sick of him always saying he hates her. And then is always on her side. Any suggestions? I thought the Narc was bad. I’m being double teamed now !

[@catalystcomet]

Divorce?

[@andyanderson6522]

Why stay?

[@beija-florchloe1673]

Dr. Vaknin, When she starts making demands and you want her gone. Do you feel like by accepting the demands or making compromises, it makes you weak? Like she is then controlling the outcomes.

[@EEIJ]

Will a narcissist hoover his ex after the bargaining phase. When he’s the one who pushed her to leave him?

[@samvaknin]

Yes, if she did not mortify him. Though in rare cases, even if mortification had occurred, if he blames himself for what had happened (internal mortification), he may try to hoover.

[@EEIJ]

Sam Vaknin thanks for replying. You helped alot

[@bb91]

Sam I have a question. After I decided to broke up with my ex partener and he realised that this time there is no way back, for the first time at the end I told him that our sex life was very bad (exactly as you decribed it) and he started acussing me and telling everyone that I was bisexual or sometimes lesbian and used him as a cover so people wouldnt see that from me. Do you think that actually he was bisexual and he was acussing me of that because he was actually opressing that?

[@samvaknin]

How would I know?

[@bb91]

@@samvaknin of course you wouldnt know, maybe I put The question bad and I wanted to find out your point of view because you are a person with a vast knowledge regarding.

[@peaceshanty]

Sam, this is great. So if a narc has both a sexless mother partner and a borderline type partner, will he be able to keep the borderline going or will he eventually abandon her to rest easy with mother? This would be the best of both worlds for the narcissist, wouldn't it, to have them both?

[@samvaknin]

Only as long as he is somatic.

[@peaceshanty]

Thanks so much for your response and your work.

[@summerdaze1976]

Trust this borderline. He discards.

[@ampgorky]

Shout out to all my Dreyfusards and Dreyfusardettes ;p

[@e.k9358]

Prof.Vaknin, do we tell a narcissist, that he is a narcissist? I have met a man, whose personality had puzzled and intrigued me from the start. It felt deeply unsettling to be with him, but i was curious to understand who he is. When i came across your channel , all pieces of the puzzle came together. The resemblance is uncanny , thats how, what you are describing, fits his personality, words, behavior. Every little detail. I like my narcissist, but i am not emotionally invested in him, he is rather like a friend, wise adviser, occasional lover. He is decent and honest, in his own way, compared to lots of ordinary people. He knows that he is different, but he doesn't know exactly in what way. He had introduced himself as a Little Prince, when we met. He is cerebral narcissist. Very intelligent. If i don't tell him, would i be able to manipulate him in his game and be safe from being affected by destructive influence? Thank you for the channel. I had many many hours of entranced listening. It is an eye opener into the human minds. And it raised questions about my own way of thinking and behavior, as well as some other people.

[@samvaknin]

You are not qualified or trained to diagnose anyone with any mental health disorder. Your comment sounds suspiciously grandiose. I wonder just who is the real narcissist.

[@e.k9358]

Yes, that's true. It made me question myself. I now look at some of my immature attitude , analytical tendencies and lack of compassion and inherent overconfidence as congruent with narcissistic traits. I would say, i am too childish and independent for my age. I am in my mid forties and somehow managed to have family and four children. But as much as i try, i do not fit all criteria of a classical narcissist. According to your lectures. But the question is, my friend is not going to go anywhere to get analyzed. He is too removed from this world into himself. I was only wondering if it may help him understand himself better if i gave him a clue in which direction to look. Unfortunately i cannot refer him to your lectures, as he is spanish and doesn't speak english. Also, i would say, my supposed understanding into the working of his mind, is helping me to stand back and not take things personally, as well as keeping me safe from getting more deeply emotionally connected with him. ( on my part, of course).

[@Otonium]

Question: How to escape? How to leave? It's hard and advise is welcome. Could you address this issue that affects thousands and there are not information. They just say: leave silently. - it's not that easy, narcissists are cunning. Very interesting insights, I follow all the videos and trying to catch-up with old ones. Edit: the best ideas to not get hurt or savotaged.

[@Otonium]

@@winros3042 I'm looking for it, but no luck. If you can copy and paste it I would really appreciate it. I've found some videos re this topic by the Professor. But please share your comment again. This information is crucial for me (and others). It's a dangerous situation (in the sense that they boycott my enterprises, relationships, etc.). Thanks Ros!

[@Otonium]

@@winros3042 Yes, I have friends. and it's not that serious or urgent in the sense that It's just the typical slow mental manipulation and related techniques from the narcissists that I need to evade... I go to both Psychologists and more (years of therapy). But, I can't still find a way to break-thru. I always need an professional expert opinion, like the ones I found in this channel with the Professor and books like the ones that he mention. Most people just doesn't get it. I don't blame them, it's hard to explain.

[@AlsoIHateDonuts]

Thanks for calling out the politicians! 🤣🤣🤣

[@samvaknin]

Watch my very recent vid about narcopath leaders.

[@AlsoIHateDonuts]

@@samvaknin On my way!

[@mandistanke6387]

You are really so funny! 🤭🤗😆

[@tamarag9478]

What happens after the mortification i.e. is my ex who after a long marriage, multiple breakups and finally a bad divorce that all look exactly like the mess you describe is suddenly being overly friendly and trying to be unusually helpful even insisting to do stuff together with common small children simply being good for the kids or is that hoovering and establishing a new shared fantasy now. There is a short video about not being able to be friends with a narcissist after a divorce but maybe you can talk a bit more about what hoovering is and isn’t. Is it possible for them to just want to be friendly for the sake of the kids? I am confused.

[@samvaknin]

Do your homework and search the channel for hoovering. Wasting my time is discourteous. More to the point: hoovering is rare after mortification unless the narcissist blames himself for what had happened (rare, internal mortification)

[@gabriellechabot-giroux8050]

Hello Prof Vadkin, would you say a transgender narcissistic man (born and raised as a woman) be more mysogynistic? I would like to understand my relationship with my ex partner who transitioned while we were a commited relationship...thank you

[@huandru]

Dr. Vaknin. Two points. First, you don't think that you are fulfilling the traditional/evolutionary role of a man and can only play act it. However temporary or (in)adequate you are in the role, your partner's perceptions count for something-- perhaps more than yours. If your life were a Wikipedia page, *everyone's opinion but yours* would be allowed. Second, men who are young in years, use older men as role models. These young men 'fake it until they make it'. What difference does it make if this furtive developmental process starts in adulthood? Are you saying that there's a point when it is too late to change? A leopard can't change its spots, but leopards don't make cool KZbin videos. Fuck leopards! LOL Much thanks!

[@samvaknin]

My partner’s perception is that I am not a man. Gender roles cannot be acquired beyond a certain age (adolescence). Young people do not acquire gender roles by faking samvak.tripod.com/sexgender.html

[@huandru]

@@samvaknin Thank you for your helpful videos. I have to rethink my assumptions. As a teacher, I hope my students have boundless mental plasticity--and growth potential. Deep down, I know it isn't so.

[@chvoug2963]

וואו תודה ... יש את ההרצאות שלך בעברית ?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@fleeyourmind2753]

Ersatz Erudition! Thank you.

[@sohinibanerjee9617]

Can I learn to be a psychopath? Life would be so much easier.

[@samvaknin]

No more than you can learn to be a non-psychopath. it is not a video game or a skill: you don’t “learn” it and “get better” at it. It is an entire personality with hundreds of moving, interlocking parts.

[@sohinibanerjee9617]

@@samvaknin you broke my heart💔

[@josephbutler4119]

@@samvaknin How would one tell the difference between someone with NPD(or ASPD) and an individual with limited empathy (ASD, alexithymia, whatever), knowledgeable about the disorders in question and a convincing actor? Asking for a friend. :)

[@samvaknin]

You would tell the difference by listening to my videos and not wasting my time.

[@josephbutler4119]

@@samvaknin I've done both now! Very entertaining. I believe that, since the false self is a well practiced performance, that it's nothing special. If an imitator is of equal or greater intelligence than the targeted narcissist, it is akin to a biological Turing test. If one is functionally identical to to a psychopath, they pass. Not even you can see what is in another's box. PS: Sincere thanks for your content over the years, you have assisted with understanding most (likely all) of my past relationships, Sam. This is no small feat, so you can have your kudos. The first supply is free, you're welcome!

[@marcellomiller8459]

My ex narcissist damaged life and I’m finally moving on. She is getting ahold of him friends, family and stuff. She is also creating fake profiles to get back into my Life. She is a sociopath, but I oddly loved her. Do you think the relationship is doomed? What should I do? She has hoovered me three times and let me down every time. She was awful.

[@marcellomiller8459]

She’s a somatic

[@user-xb1co1hd8v]

No contact, and stop looking at social media.

[@82472tclt]

What is the difference (if there is one) between the experience of being “deeply seen” one has in interpersonal intimacy and narcissistic mirroring?

[@samvaknin]

Mirroring is goal-oriented (to supply or to manipulate).

[@82472tclt]

@@samvaknin Clear. Thank you. I'm doing some work looking a nihilism on an existential level (Heidegger) and listening to your videos has me wonder if narcissism is a psychological expression of this implicit nihilism of our age?

[@82472tclt]

Specifically the sense of emptiness that seems to drive the reflexive drive for supply?

[@mechanicalmisfit5264]

Professor...your girl is broken too. If she thinks your supposed to be intelligent alpha and a MMA champion is insane.

[@gland5848]

I googled it. Give me a 🍪.

[@samvaknin]

I give cookies only to the cookie monster. But well done, my child, well done. How does it feel, to be self-sufficient for a change?

[@gland5848]

@@samvaknin it is the best.

[@aysenaltunay443]

Dr.Vaknin i have question,this question is out of topic but i cant find the proper any other place to ask,i came across a person and she acts like a butch sometimes but sometimes she becomes very hot attractive feminine woman,sometime she has more masculine clothing and behaviours and sometime all feminine,is this bisexulaity?in that sense i found homesuxality is more firm and consistent but if bisexulaity is this,it is weird and kind of a sick,i couldnt understand this person's psychology,she has psycopatic and narsistic traits also,she is like a robot and very secretive,she doesnt give any information about her life and herself and she is very distant but she is like close from a very subtle dimension as if she is trying to hypnotize.this thing is not like dissociative,she uses same name and conscious all the time but the polarities about her sexuality seems something more than bisexulaity,what is this thing?do you have any idea Dr.Vaknin?with my all respects and love 🙏♥️

[@samvaknin]

Bisexuality is a sexual orientation: being equally sexually attracted to both sexes. How you dress and behave is irrelevant.

[@evka24]

maybe u r bisexual and u find her freedom fascinating and brave.... why to be so fascinated by bad personality...? focus on good people..or ask her direct questions

[@aysenaltunay443]

@@samvaknin Thank you Dr.Vaknin for your answer🙏 probably it is complicated and impossible to understand by asking on KZbin,thank you again,wish you a happy day☺️♥️🙏

[@aysenaltunay443]

@@evka24 you thought that i am a homofobic,but i am really not a bisexual and i dont judge anyone,i just couldnt understand this lady's situaion,and as doctor answerd above it's not about bisexulaity,its something else but i couldnt understand.

[@evka24]

Aysen Altunay 👍

[@jackiebattisto4927]

And my narc dated 200 “girls”. I have hu😮the blog address sh you. Want it or

[@zanetta6694]

Threat accepted