Navigating Family Conversations in Dementia Caregiving: 7 Hard Discussions and Family Conflict

[@debby891]

This is exactly what has happened in our family and never in a million years would I have thought it would “break” our family. They don’t get it because they don’t do it nor realize that as this horrible disease progresses, there are more doctors appointments, lots more care needed, etc that the one that has been doing it 24/7 is exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

It is so common in families. So unfortunate. 😔

[@debby891]

@@DementiaWithGrace our local support group and moms doctors say the same thing, that it almost always falls on one person

[@PaintedShovel]

I am completely parallel to what you speak of. We never had big family issues until my loved ones dementia symptoms became evident to me. Her side of the family is not on the ground and is in DENIAL..I, too, have been castigated by my loved one AND her brother, sister in law and nephew.

[@debby891]

@@PaintedShovel I’ve been caring for my mom for almost 6 years without a single day to just relax, have time with friends, etc. No one will ever understand what it’s like and it’s not only exhausting physically but more mentally as many times, nothing makes any sense. They lose all ability to understand things that are common sense. Yes, it is a very heartbreaking disease, it’s sad to watch on a daily basis and when your own family isn’t there to help and support you, it creates bitterness and resentment on top of what you’re already going through. I love my mom with all of my heart but am 65 years old, disabled myself and I’m beyond exhausted. Sending you prayers and strength for what you’re going through as I do get it🤗

[@salauerman7082]

How about a crazy situation of my dad’s respite volunteer siding with my sister, and not seeing dementia in 90 minutes of playing cards each week…?! He keeps inferring that it’s only old age.

[@brendaelliott2654]

Hi Grace I was so glad to you my Husben has pass I learn a lot. From you he has frontal you help me a lot Thanh very much

[@MelissaCoup]

I've prayed for you Grace. You haven't done a video for 9 months so I hope you are still healthy. Thanks for educating us all in such a positive fashion. You are a blessing to many, including me

[@lorettawatkins5024]

My friend's mother would perk up when out of town relatives came to visit. These relatives would tell my friend , who was exhausted physically, emotionally, etc that all her mother needs is "more stimulation". My friend could not make them understand or believe how stressful it was to take care of her mom and then she'd be even more stressed. Xh

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Oh yes! I have seen this and heard of it! That’s when I say, “I know you would love a weekend with her! To catch up! I’ll take a little vacation!” 😆

[@salauerman7082]

Too bad none of them would invite her to visit for a couple weeks!

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

Yes I TRULY understand when the loved one being cared 27 for "rises to the occasion" when out-of-town family visits for a few hours over three days to do something easy and fun, like go to dinner, go shopping etc. (esp. when they crash exhausted for the next week as a result of their schedule, diet, sleep and rest being non-existent during the visit) as well as all that "fun.

[@minniegibson8722]

EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY. This is a nightmare over and over!

[@minniegibson8722]

​@@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933I finally found someone who understands. They can fool everyone. AND THOSE THEY FOOL ARE NOT ON THE RECEIVING END OF THE AFTERMATH.

[@sassy_2437]

I never mind your long videos. I always feel like I have been enlightened or verified. I’ve said it a 1,000 times, dementia is such a cruel disease on everyone involved but especially for the one diagnosed. Much love for all you strong loving caregivers. Big big hugs from NC🤗🤗🤗

[@meryemsen5043]

1:10 1:10 1:11 1:11 1:11 1:12 1:12 1:12 1:12 1:13 1:13 1:13 1:14 1:14 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 1:33 1:33 1:33 1:34 1:34 1:34 1:35 1:35 1:35 1:36

[@karooblue7634]

Vicky... thank you for what you do ❤and thank you for sharing your experience with us.

[@candicane1]

Whew! You hit all the nails on the head with this one!

[@all4paws508]

I could listen to u all day Vicky😇 Bless u for all u do for those of us who need your help and reach our for it🙏

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I’m thankful for you! That’s sweet you say you could listen all day! My accent is not for everyone! As these comments can attest!! lol!! All my love, Vicky ❤️

[@all4paws508]

@@DementiaWithGrace your accent is lovely!❤ Blessings from South Africa

[@debby891]

Vicky, our lifeline!❤

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Too sweet!! I’m just trying to help!

[@debby891]

@@DementiaWithGrace you are truly a lifeline to us caregivers and sincerely appreciated as is the Facebook support group. 🙏

[@dovie127]

💯❤️💯

[@culturematters4157]

My late grandmother LOVED flamingos!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Aww! I chose one as a “mascot” for the group!

[@culturematters4157]

@@DementiaWithGrace Great choice!

[@ChandraClark]

You are an amazing resource for so many of us on this journey and you are so appreciated!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thank you so much!

[@danabenkula9696]

We had four doctors that said my dad could not move back home. My siblings were part of that meeting. That was the last time I saw them or my dad saw them. So sad for my dad. But I was trying to come up with solutions and ask for ideas. My dad had his first three strokes in 2007 and I did a lot of taking care of and oversight. Took to many appointments. I was also taking my grandma also. She passed away and I sat with her alone as she died. My dad had his last two strokes. Life changing and altering and lots of vascular dementia. My sister has stopped talking to me but she would not talk to me only text. Now not at all for two years. Grief cycles galore. Between loss of who my dad is. What my dad has lost and my family.

[@minniegibson8722]

I understand your nightmare. I'm so sorry. Been through this multiple times.

[@salauerman7082]

I don’t mind my allegedly bipolar sister never talking to me again, but I certainly don’t like my slandered reputation… It helps that my dad has enough faith in my abilities that he wants to be with me.

[@evelibertone4188]

I can't thank you enough for your videos. My Mother died of dementia December 2019 after being forced to a nursing home. The first 18 months was hell but she ultimately lived longer and got good care at the facility. Lived there 4 yrs before a fall lead to breaking her hip and that was the last straw. It was so hard for about 10 yrs. Now her sister is in stage 4-5. It's breaking my heart.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Aww I’m glad you are finding help here. I’m sorry for your loss and now you are going through it again with your aunt. Thats rough. Have you thought about joining the Facebook group? Here is the link just in case! kzbin.info/www/bejne/d6CqioB-d612e7ssi=MF4nQ823RX_WjfaC

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Nope!!! That was the wrong link!!! HERE is the group link! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace

[@susanoutler1724]

❤✨🦃Happy Thanksgiving” Thank you for the wonderful advice, again!!!!❤️✨🦃

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Happy Thanksgiving!!

[@janetsmith6716]

Your videos popped up on my youtube feed after I had googled information on dementia. I ordered your book Dementia with Grace and it has been such an encouragement and blessing to me. Just this past week, we have moved my mother from independent living to an assisted living facility. Her dementia progression along with her physical limitations with arthritis have made this move necessary. Your suggestions on how to handle dementia behavior have been tremendously helpful. Your phrase "broken brain" gives a whole new light on how to look upon someone who is suffering with confusion and can no longer find the words to express how they think or feel. God bless you for writing this book and sharing your knowledge, suggestions, tips and solutions as caretakers for those that can no longer take care of themselves. 🙏

[@DementiaWithGrace]

That means the world to me! Thanks for taking the time to leave a sweet message!

[@hercule1610]

I just started caring for my aunt & uncle. My aunt has dementia and my uncle has the beginnings of it plus a broken hip. He doesn’t really attend to her care like bathing and giving meds. I’ve tried to help but they’re a little resistant and she is highly resistant of bathing. I don’t know what to do to get them to let me help them. I thought I could transition them to assisted living but that’s going to be a long process. So I’ll be caring for them along with my husband who had a stroke. It’s all so challenging.

[@niamhlynn]

That's too much for one person. Please mind yourself.

[@tonamondesir9316]

My brother was diagnosed January of 2022 with frontotemporal dementia. Since his diagnoses, it seems as though he has gotten worse. It's now June 26, 2024. Over these last 2 years, he has accused his wife of affairs, trying to kill him, taking all his money. The people she messing with are going to take their house etc. It's terrible. January of this year, he started trying to get out of the house. He has jumped out of the car when stopped on the highway a couple of times. He got out of the house a couple of times also. His wife had to call 911 to help find him. Since he started that, locks were changed so he couldn't get out of the house. Every day he gets up, several times a day he checks all the doors, to see if he can get out. His speech is way worse, he hardly talks anymore. Palliative care started. They started giving him shots for paranoia, and so he wouldn't keep trying to get out of the house. He got to where he stopped eating, it was getting hard for him to swallow. He stopped talking, but he heard you talk to him. He would take your hand. His wife does not want him in a facility. She wants him home. She takes care of him. Is this normal procedure for what was going on?

[@Malibusurfsup]

I just live you and am so happy to have found you.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Aww! Thank you for saying so!

[@salauerman7082]

Here’s a situation for discussion: My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, first neurologist. I never saw it, but saw what I believed was Parkinson’s. The same second neurologist diagnosed vascular dementia and confirmed Parkinson’s. Recently, he had a list of symptoms that led to an ER visit. My subsequent observations and questions make me believe he was wrongly medicated for Alzheimer’s (placed on Namenda). I’m going to question the medication, and if my hypothesis is correct, he may have a marked improvement to prove that my sister is “right”, about him not having dementia… She had argued with his PCP who sent him for a senior assessment, that showed a definite change. It’ll be interesting to see how all ends.

[@halimakhan1800]

Thank you Always great advise

[@darleneh608]

My family is going through a lot right now. Mom has dementia. Dad is 92 and frail and needs help himself. I live 5 miles away but am not temperamentally suited for caregiving, and besides, as Mom has gotten fully into paranoia, I'm her scapegoat and the focus for her anger, so it's not the least little bit livable for me. The rest of the kids live 1300 miles away, and all but one of them think her dementia isn't bad, so the accusations she's making about me must be true. I feel like I've lost all my family. Mom and Dad accept that assisted living or a home aide is needed, but they refuse to let anyone help them with the decisions involved, and they're in no hurry to make decisions themselves. I think they hope that delay will result in some miracle answer. Meanwhile, one brother is entirely checked out. One comes to visit with the idea that he's going to make them make decisions (or else?) Mom hates my sister and me, so our input isn't wanted, although our parents definitely expect us to come over and act like maids for them. When they want, and only if we do exactly as they say, when they say it. I think the most likely outcome is that we all check out. I'm already on my way out the door. Can't take being her scapegoat, especially when I know that I've been doing a lot for them. It's too much like my teen years, and I never want to relive those days again. (We suspect Mom is a narcissist, and it has made all of our lives more complicated. It has also made the last few months, as she's descended into paranoia, especially challenging.)

[@nancypierce8380]

What do you do when your person has ocd on top of dementia and it is very hard to handle him when he gets an idea in his head. Example, he got it in his head he needed new tires on car. The car is only 3 yrs old. Everybody tried to tell him he didn’t need it. Nothing would satisfy him but get the tires. We bought them after sitting 4 hrs. And got home and I caught him out with a tire guage trying to check tire pressure. This is just one example. I’m spouse and inly care giver. It was an exhausting day

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

Imagine being the "second wife" and trying to care for the 79-year-old father of two grown adults children who live in a different state and who do not quite believe their father has any medical issues or that you are working hard on his behalf. Zero cooperation, zero understanding of the situation and zero appreciation of what you have done these past 29 years since marrying their father. Not one thank you. ZERO recognition to the fact that if I was not in the picture he would be living with them, they would be paying for everything and they would be carrying for him 24/7. Nothing but selfishness on their part and stress. (NOTE: I had nothing to do with their fathers divorce from their mother as that happened 7 years previous to my coming into the picture.) I have his Financial Power of Attorney and his Medical Power of Attorney. I am the one dealing with the financial strain. (BTW: I am the ONLY one who brought assets to this marriage. He brought nothing but debts so this was a marriage of love NOT money.) Am I wrong to be angry here? QUESTION: PLEASE address dealing with a non-cooperative family from a first marriage regarding dementia.

[@debby891]

Sending you much love, strength and prayers on this journey. I completely understand how you feel and you can’t help but have bitterness, resentment and hurt. We know that doesn’t help but we’re human too. I get zero help and haven’t for almost 7 years and getting worse by the day. Unless someone does this day in and day out they will NEVER understand how much we sacrifice, financially, our time, our physical, mental and emotional health. I’ve come to believe that they simply don’t care because actions speak louder than words!

[@christinebrown5994]

Mom has not been diagnosed but everything talked about points to this disease. Mom has had anxiety and depression her whole life but managed it with diet and exercise so she has been on an antidepressants and added on Ativan over the years. Her anxiety is over the top in between. Do we just continue to add on more Ativan to help keep her calm in between? What do you all do?

[@debby891]

@@christinebrown5994 I’m not sure either but has become much worse the past few months. I’m going to call her doctor this morning and see if there is anything we can do.

[@Jamasternam]

Hi, I know this might not be the best place to ask questions but I need some advice. My mother is constantly accusing me of stealing or hiding things from her, some are things we don't actually own. I tried to reason with her but that just made her angrier. Our relationship is really strained right now because of this. Should I just buy whatever she accuses me of? I am really not sure if I should do this because there might be things that I just can't buy anymore. What should I do?

[@gigi-eg3ze]

My mother is doing the same thing everytime she misplaces something she says someone took it but she really don't blame me yet, it's my grown children who don't live with me or go anywhere near her room and why would they take your nightgown lol.. She thinks they are friends of mine it's very frustrating 😢

[@debby891]

My mom does the same thing

[@gigi-eg3ze]

Vicky ,how can i get my five siblings to help more ,my 81 year old mother was diagnosed beginning of last year, We started to see the signs about 4 years ago im not sure what stage she's in ...She Is very forgetful but still manages to bathe take her meds , she does eat if i prepare it or remind her too ...she no longer balance her check book and remebers all of her six children and some friends but only a couple of her 18 grandchildren She says theres those people 💔 she is very obsessed with washing her hands and having to go to the bathroom she is a busy bee and i am struggling.. i just want more help How do i get my siblings to help more.. they all live within thirty minutes from me, how do i tell them again!!!! that i need more help just come pick her up spend the day with her bring her back home after.. Me and my husband could use some quiet time my mom has always been high energy she worked til she was 74 and she never stops and with this disease its just rough sometimes thanks ..

[@debby891]

Wish you much luck as I have been through this with my siblings for almost 7 long years, 24/7 and not a single day off. I’ve talked, begged, pleaded, cried and their answer is that they are going to live their lives. I’m 65, disabled and it’s affecting my health. Both my doctor and hers have tried to intervene and they still refuse.

[@law275]

​@@debby891😢❤🙏

[@mballer]

16:55 Viicky, I have a play-list on dementia. Could you please comment on it?

[@mballer]

Dementia. kzbin.info/aero/PLF2u8wp26pCLy0HX985ZyerhhTmgCb3Ht

[@DementiaWithGrace]

When I get caught up!! I will try!!

[@imalwaysme4332]

What would you say about a person "supposedly" having dementia. All doctors and an investigator (investigator says not dementia, is a psych issue) seem to think my mom is just fine. All the while my mom is feigning dementia AND can pass every test they throw at her. Will always say she "forgets" everything. Says she is fine. However the person can send a text with precision punctuation. No misspelled words, nuce sentence formation. A whole dam paragraph! I apologize for going off topic, it just happened and your video ame on my feed. Im a bit raw about it right now. Meanwhile she is manipulative and seems to have her hate on for me.

[@kentandvivianallan6770]

That's called Narcissism and let me tell you once Dementia gets in the mix it's not pretty ~ Vivian

[@minniegibson8722]

And the hell you live when u are the only family member and so old all your friends have died and you are disabled. The nightmare is unbelievable.