Harm OCD - My OCD Story

[@heather9857]

All of you who are suffering with this, I'll probably never meet you. You are my brothers and sisters and I love you. My heart is with all of you. I suffered for decades before I found out what was wrong. Know that you can have healing from this. Don't give up. Find people who have had success and work their suggestions like dog that won't let go of a bone. Fight for it! I promise it will be entirely miserable, but the rewards of living without OCD stealing your life away is amazing. Life truly is beautiful. You can trust yourself. You can love yourself. IOCDF and OCDLA are amazing resources.

[@anthonygreico9735]

Heather, I really appreciate that you posted this. I was “lucky” to learn what was wrong when I was 12. Have you ever dealt with existential OCD? I made two videos about my experiences with it. Please check at least one of them out (preferably the second) and comment as to whether or NOT you can relate.

[@heather9857]

@@anthonygreico9735 Hi, okay. I'm going over to your channel now.

[@kadenpopp16]

I have read that increasing awareness will make the intrusive go away, they are the only bad part if OCD, but the worst part, I can live with the other disadvantages of OCD if the intrusive thoughts are gone, because of the benefits to OCD such as the ability to focus on good things, and having a good compulsion such as working out.

[@User1236www]

@@heather9857 thanks so much because I’m actually struggling with it just now so much appreciated 😊

[@danielj6388]

Take vitamin b12 medicines

[@Adjag2Studios]

I can say that OCD (Pure O) is hell on earth. And nobody deserves it. I battled it for years. I can proudly say I have overcome it, and i want to help those who are suffering from it now. My advice is as follows: 0. See a psychologist who is well aware of CBT and ERP that is cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure . You may at first ask them if they can administer this therapy for you. If you feel they are being Freudian and trying to pick your brain (like: How does this make you feel? Why do you think you have these thoughts?) know they are unqualified to help you, they can only make it worse. (I know from experience) CBT and ERP will be similar to the advice I have written below. 1. Take SSRI’s. These anti-depressants lessen your intrusive thoughts 2. Read about OCD and the OCD types of others. Mine was Harm Pure O and reading about the others in length helps understand what is going on. 3. Exercise everyday 4. Surround yourself with friends and family (don’t stay at home) 5. Meditation/prayer. Though if these are the cause of your OCD skip this advice. If not then try. 6. Try art/ crafts or reading 7. Finally and most importantly.... ERP... stand up to the dragon. The best form of overcoming your fear is to bring it on yourself. If you have a fear of stabbing someone don’t hide the knife but bring it out and label your thoughts as they come into your brain. Acknowledge that these thoughts have nothing to do with you, they are just chemical reactions. Example: if your brain says I am going to stab her, then instead of avoiding the thought say, repeat what you said. Strangely it works. Know they are not you who is speaking just the dragon. You are the brave knight.

[@honeykumar5448]

Now u recover or not pls tell 👍

[@goodkarmasuccess2386]

Hi, I heard that CBT helps but fear shifts to another area, Did you recover completely

[@honeykumar5448]

@@goodkarmasuccess2386 not but i m ok r u sufring from OCD

[@honeykumar5448]

@@goodkarmasuccess2386 which type of OCD u have ???

[@Sadik-uc85k]

​@@honeykumar5448my question is that is this a lifelong disease or it is curable with the right medication?

[@MissMaddieXo]

I have never related to something more in my life and it's honestly brining me to tears.

[@kaliwallaceart]

MissMaddieXo i know what you mean, i've felt that way in reading some stories on ocd forums and it's a relief to know someone understands. stay strong!

[@MissMaddieXo]

My odd has gotten a ton better. Especially knowing I'm not alone. Thank you! You too!

[@pucks2727]

Same here, couldn’t relate any more.

[@pillarsoflight2607]

You are not alone.

[@Sarah-ty5ev]

I’m crying in my bed right now. I’ve never felt so seen in my life. I thought I was alone and just messed up beyond repair. Hearing your story has made me feel so much better

[@lisawatson835]

I've gone through the same things in my life but God delivered me n now I'm free..

[@sav4106]

@@lisawatson835 please help me? How did u get through it?

[@saxior57]

@@sav4106 did you get through it?

[@agg5324]

@@saxior57 did you?lol

[@WillLMC96]

While OCD isn't the greatest thing to have, there are positive things to come out of it that's how I see it. Worrying about these things actually means you're in the 'least likely' category to carry them out even though we fear carrying them out. Worrying and obsessing about our health/mental health/mental state means we have good intentions for ourself and others.

[@kaliwallaceart]

probably true. we just have to accept the idea that we cannot predict the future, and challenge the thoughts with "well, i might be capable, guess we will find out some day."

[@heather9857]

I lived with undiagnosed OCD Harm for 35 years. I thank God I don't live with it anymore, but I don't agree with your analysis. The terrifying intrusive thoughts are horrible, the anxiety is enough to make you jump out of bed and run to the bathroom ready to shit yourself and barf at the same time because of the physical/bodily reaction of fear hitting you so hard. There is no OCD without compulsions. The compulsive behavior (counting, blinking, washing, etc) people with OCD engage in to have relief from the intrusive thoughts is just temporary relief. The cyclical effect of intrusive thoughts/obsessions and then compulsions make your world so small. There is no positivity and the longer it goes on, your world just gets smaller and smaller until it steals your entire life away. I stopped my compulsive behavior in one day after almost 4 decades of OCD. I was having muscle spasms (which lasted 8 months) and woke up that first night and pissed myself. I couldn't feel my body, I was so numb from the instant brain rewire after decades of thinking a certain way, I couldn't even tell I had to go to the bathroom. So yeah, I guess you are correct, OCD isn't the greatest thing to have.

[@ellilasaridou5769]

I actually agree with you because I realized that the fact that there thoughts make me sad and anxious literally mean that I am human and that I am not able to ever do something like that

[@Claudia-sk1ls]

"Worrying about these things actually means you're in the 'least likely' category to carry them out" I wouldn't put it like that. While having OCD does indicate that you care about x obsession very deeply (hence where the fear stems from), it is not entirely right to profess that having the disorder practically guarantees you are incapable (or "least capable") of carrying out the action. There are people who experience "Real Event OCD", a theme of OCD where you get intense anxiety over something you ACTUALLY did/potentially did, in contrast to how OCD is typically discussed - a fixation of what may happen in the future. So while your statement may be reassuring to people who relate exclusively to the latter category, people with Real Event OCD will read this and think that, even though what they are experiencing is consistent with obsessions and compulsions, they can't possibly have OCD because they are actually "guilty" of doing something someone with "true" OCD only fears of doing, but never does. The fear, guilt, shame and doubt are difficult enough to experience with future-oriented OCD. But for those of us who fret over past events, hearing that people with OCD are actually "least likely" to commit what they fear does more harm than good. I get what you are trying to say, but it's better to emphasise how the disorder manifests by latching onto your fears as opposed to reassure how "innocent" people with OCD are. OCD is not a description of your character; it's an anxiety disorder.

[@Sadik-uc85k]

​@@Claudia-sk1lsis this a lifelong disease or it is curable with the right medication?

[@ilovemypet3000]

Speaking from experience, this OCD theme is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. It's pure mental torture, a living hell. I relapsed 3 months ago after years of being free of this monster and honestly I feel like It completely changed me for life. I too wish I could go back in time to when I had my first intrusive thought and reacted to it in a different way. I feel you so much, I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you're doing well and thriving in life. OCD sufferers, we are warriors

[@katie7536]

I'm sending you the biggest internet hug right now

[@kaliwallaceart]

Katie

[@human8368]

@Katie you did it before it was popular

[@mavila1368]

I had this. Its comforting and nice to see others that have it

[@-junk-]

Did you ever get rid of it?

[@ioanazamfir7148]

Anybody else have these horrible thoughts and your brain was like “If you become this bad person and/or think like them, then the worry will wash away because you’re not stressing over being this person” or “Why care so much about this?” And all that crazy negative thoughts.

[@human8368]

@@ioanazamfir7148 kind of not exactly but you gotta remember someone is having the same thought , you are not alone and if you are even feeling even an ounce of guilt from the negative thought , then it just shows how you don't want that thought or it's not who you are .

[@human8368]

@@ioanazamfir7148 anyways I hope you are ok now

[@amayaholive4073]

I cried watching this! I am currently going through the exact same thing and it's absolutely terrifying. It's so comforting to know others go through it too. Thank you for sharing your story, it takes extreme bravery to tell people these things. I can tell you're an extremely caring and kind person. You only get this because its your WORST FEAR and anxiety has led you to try and get a definitive answer that doesn't exist so you never feel like its gone. There are some great KZbin channels for OCD, Mark Freeman's has helped me a lot. My mum went through the exact same thing and it doesn't bother her now so you can overcome it. Best of luck with it, it's an awful thing to go through.

[@kaliwallaceart]

+Amy Olive thanks for your kind words! glad to hear your mom is doing well, that gives me hope. i hope you can talk to her comfortably about what you're experiencing and that it helps you, too.

[@nathandowning5778]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/bXuynKuOg655ns0

[@isabellawillberg3872]

@@kaliwallaceart how are you doing? Do you take meds?

[@keren227]

CV

[@human8368]

I am five years late but I hope you are ok now

[@NoUserUsed]

I just felt as if I were watching a video of me talking . You literally reassured me so so much , you don’t even know . I kept reading testimonies of people with ocd and some doctors tips , but hearing and watching someone, especially a woman, talk about her experience with this type of ocd made me feel 100 times better. I feel like my compulsions are being more calm since yesterday because I’m informing more myself about how to deal with it .

[@sarahline9200]

I resonated so much with the time machine thing....like you just want someone who knows all the answers to tell you you'll be alright but no one has all the answers

[@Senacesn]

This.

[@angelakkhalil]

I love you ARMY, you are not alone

[@nasiyahlovesu]

I broke down crying, My thoughts are exactly the same as yours and I felt no one understood💕 Love this video

[@mzmo8678]

How are u feeling now?

[@charbelhayek9404]

Same

[@bgo8639]

I have Harm OCD too I wound up having to go to a hospital to be baker acted and they diagnosed me with Harm OCD. I thought for sure I was crazy, schizophrenic or bipolar or something. They put me on Prozac. Been on it for a year and changed my life! I am back to normal. I still have moments where I have visions or thoughts, but I'm able to just be like yeah whatever OCD your so stupid I know I would never do that, try again lol I promise it does get better!

[@amynextdoor]

BGO 863 same thing happened to my bf earlier this year. It's relieving to know one day he'll be ok :(

[@SiSaMej]

How are you now? Are you still on antidepressants?

[@chrisgonzales8204]

BGO 863 Well said!!!

[@chelzyramirez3663]

@@amynextdoor is your boyfriend ok now

[@erikaluna4336]

Paxil left me with harm ocd which is just evil but I know God will heal me one day.

[@terrymadipuddy6217]

when I heard the "hurting others" part of this video I instantly felt better. I watched this during this ocd and now I'm feeling way better and those thoughts have been pushed back for now with nicer thoughts. thank you so much

[@Kotarofumaaa]

Did u recover bro

[@Kindabigdeals2011]

Wow! So glad I stumbled upon your video! I have been dealing with Harm OCD since giving birth to my son 3 months ago. It's so messed up that such a "happy" time in my life has been wrecked by this terrible form of OCD. Maybe 2 hours after giving birth I was plagued by these visions of me hurting my newborn son! I have never ever felt like that or had thoughts like that in my life! I was so scared! I thought I was going crazy, or that I was a psychopath! I wanted to either wanted to stay away from my son or for someone to be around me when I was with my son, for fear of me LOSING CONTROL and hurting him. A couple weeks went by with barely any sleep and I barely ate anything when I finally got online and tried to describe to Google what I was thinking and feeling. And BOOM, the words OCD appeared. It didn't really surprise me, I knew I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks and a little ocd here and there, but I had NO IDEA ocd could take the form of this "MONSTER!" As you said in your video, even though you know it's OCD and your therapist has told you this, and you seek reassurance online.... you still have that "what if", what if ALL THESE PEOPLE are wrong and I am going to snap! What if I am a killer! The thought of hurting my child makes my stomach upset. To have these thoughts, to sometimes see a visual in my head of him getting hurt makes me disgusted and causes me so much anxiety! My husband doesn't understand what I am going through. I told him ONE TIME what I was going through and he looked at me with disgust and told me to NEVER tell anyone that ever again! I feel like this has scard me. Like "He thinks im crazy, so I must be crazy!" Since then I have found a physiatrist and started taking Paxil, and I have been to 4 different therapists... trying to find the "right one". I hope and pray that this harm ocd will vanish soon. Let me obsess over anything else besides hurting myself, my son or anyone else! Why can't I have a "healthy obsession" like Exercise, or eating right, or be a workaholic LOL Well, thanks for sharing your video! The whole time I was watching it I kept thinking "WOW, THAT'S WHAT I THINK! WOW SHE HAS WHAT I HAVE!" So thanks for doing the video for all of us out here that are suffering! I wish you the best in your recovery. I wish everyone out there reading this a full recovering from this TERRIBLE thing called OCD.

[@kaliwallaceart]

hi, thanks for reaching out! i just wanted to say i'm sorry for how your husband reacted. it's really difficult when those closest react to it this way, and i suggest you give him resources to learn from because, although scary, this is VERY common. you should have his support. once you find the right therapist you can bring him to a session and have a doctor explain your condition to him. good luck with everything, and work hard towards recovery!

[@agg5324]

How are you now?

[@harleymcharley7152]

It gets better!! Hang in there!! I felt like I was in the pits of hell for almost 18 months but I survived and so can you!!

[@MetaphysicalExplorations]

Hi there :)What helped you with OCD?

[@harleymcharley7152]

@@MetaphysicalExplorations Distractions and time. Time is the main key thing with it.

[@WonderTheWolf]

My OCD onset was at age 11. I suffered all of the things you did. I didn't get any help until I was at least 16 because my mom didn't understand and neither did I and she'd just sit awake trying to get me to calm the hell down and I haven't found anybody else who suffered from the same things as me. I'm on celexa and it's helping so much. I'm 18 now. Wow. I'm actual crying with you because your story is so similar. Thank you so much for this.

[@justarandomdude6932]

Wow, I had my OCD onset at age 13 (POCD). Now I'm 14 and finally getting the help I need. Hope things work out for you!

[@human8368]

@@justarandomdude6932 are you ok now

[@rosebudd5724]

The more this condition is brought out into the open, the better. The people that suffer from this disorder are very caring, good people! I commend you for talking about this and sharing your story - that is brave and takes guts! When you cried, I really felt your pain. I know only too well how it feels. Oh and you are a pretty girl! :)

[@dapper_rose9347]

I can completely relate to this...I've been having intrusive, violent thoughts of harming myself, family, friends, and random people for about 5 years..these thoughts scare me, give me A LOT of distress/panic/anxiety, and sometimes cause anxiety attacks where I end up crying. My parents don't believe in my health concerns and think I'm fine and should stop worrying so much. These compulsions are getting worse, there's A LOT of counting and numbers, and now I mostly touch everything around the house a certain amount of times, it's getting really annoying. But, I'm afraid to be put on antidepressants because I heard they can make you gain weight, and I do not want that. :(

[@kaliwallaceart]

Truthfully, a balanced mental state has become more important to me than what I look like or what I weigh, because my life depends on my recovery. If you're struggling, please seek professional help. You may not even need meds; the most successful treatments for OCD are specific types of therapy. And even if you do need meds, there's no guarantee you'll gain weight. Even if you DO gain weight but the meds do wonders for how you feel mentally, isn't that worth it?? A few years ago I would have said no but having gone through what I've been through with my OCD, I would do anything to make it go away, even if it meant gaining 100 pounds. But I understand what you're saying. My family acknowledged I was sick when I had a breakdown but they think I've miraculously gotten better because I've just stopped talking about it now. I was met with defeated sighs and "you need to stop this" or "you need to pull yourself together" and other similar things when I talked about my OCD so I just stopped. Don't get me wrong, my family is loving and supportive but they have no idea how to handle what I'm going through.

[@aidanlanz3114]

This happened to me too. My parents didn't take my problems seriously either because I wasn't able to explain my struggle to them accurately. If this is the case with you, try writing what you are experiencing down and letting them read it. Or reach out to your school counselor if you have one. Sadly, parents may more attentive hearing it from an adult. Hope I can help.

[@nathandowning5778]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/bXuynKuOg655ns0

[@human8368]

@@aidanlanz3114 are you ok now ....

[@Sadik-uc85k]

​​​hey dude I am having obesessive thoughts like stab needle in my eye or others and these harming thoughts change ever week like 7days I am having 1 thought and other 7days my brain make another obsessive harmful thoughts and these thoughts begin 1sec after i woke up till night when I sleep is this ocd? I am not sure about that I am literally crying rn my parents don't even care for me can you plz read my msg and understand my situation and reply me what is this and is this curable condition or not plz my friend

[@radtasticrawrful]

Oh my goodness. For the past two years I have been feeling like this and it has been getting worse and worse. I felt like I had schizophrenia or was going crazy. I was so worried about hurting people i loved all of the time. I constantly tried to explain to everyone and nobody seemed to understand. it was/is exhausting and has gotten so much worse with moving and stress. I googled and googled and just found out a lot about harm ocd and this video and its so spot on. Thank you so much for making this video. Knowing im not a psychopath and just need to reach out for some help gives me so much more hope.

[@heather9857]

[@shagunmohta5994]

I want to know something..wat r the aftereffects of ur ocd?? Like for me, i tried to act upon my ocd thinking i cud actually harm somebody . So whenever i met that person, i started disliking them and my love for them soon diminished...now even though i dont get the thoughts, i find it really hard to love them back just like i did before ocd 😭..wat can i do about this?? Any advice?

[@human8368]

@@shagunmohta5994 I haven't gone through this but if you've stopped loving someone , remember how they were before like any photos or memories and try to remember why you loved them , I dunno if this will work but just try ....

[@vickisotomayorleroy6147]

You are such a brave young woman! Thank You for making this video, you have really helped me.. Just had a OCD relaspe. And I have been living with OCD for over 61 years.

[@TheMoonrise007]

Vicki Sotomayor Leroy Oh my gosh. 61 years??? You are so strong

[@peronec6614]

😢

[@__violetart9171]

It's really hard to explain to people the whole "thoughts" vs. "wants" thing. Also the "compulsion" vs. "desire" thing to people who don't understand it, and the "what if" thing. I don't know if I have this but this video was so relatable to me and it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you

[@richymatthews1422]

You're so beautiful, I've suffered from OCD for a long time, seeing this video I could relate in almost every way, I think although it can feel difficult at times to try compassionate detachment toward my thoughts, to try observe and witness my thoughts with compassion than engaging with them, but I completely sympathize cos OCD can feel very distressing and tormenting, but well done for having the courage to make this video well done xx :)

[@CordK]

I began suffering from self harm OCD right after being prescribed Risperdal. I had experienced anxiety and paranoia in the past but I never had a crippling fear of suicide like I developed after starting the medication. I stopped after two days but the intrusive thoughts and feelings of dread have lingered for weeks, but hearing you discuss your experiences really makes me feel like I'm not just crazy! I now have an anti-anxiety medication that I take as needed but I don't think I should've ever been on anti-psychotics and can't help but think it contributed to the onset. Good luck to everyone out there struggling with something similar, I can't say I'm totally better but I'm getting there.

[@Anica-x4r]

I have same problem do you have some advice for me?

[@legendaryengram751]

Thank you for all of the clarity, I've never felt more scared and more calm in my life, i could relate to almost all of the things you said, and you helped me gain hope again, I'm soon 21, and got these dark thoughts 2 months ago, and i fear the worst that I'm a dangerous person, but you inspired me to learn to cope with this, i hope this came out right, its late and I'm purely excausted atm ,

[@charlieaar2605]

It's hard to talk about these things to an individual let alone share it with the whole world! But it appears your bravary had paid off as you seemed to have helped and encouraged many people around the world! I've never actually talked to someone else who has also experienced this form of OCD, I have so many questions!! But the comfort it brings to know there are others out there! Thank you so much for sharing your story! 😀

[@alchemyofthephoenix5576]

You’re so incredible and brave. I deal with the same and it started all with an antidepressant too. This video and your KZbin page is saving lives. You may not know it but your a Hero ❤️

[@ScrupulousAtheist]

Thank you for your story. OCD is a mother f@%#er of a mental disorder. Having gone through, and still from time to time go through, periods of Harm themed OCD, the worst part is how it makes one question their own goodness. I'm a Jainist at heart and I have trouble killing insects, out of compassion, that make their way into the house. Suddenly you question whether you would hurt a loved one because of a thought or image, and one spends time trying to avoid the situation from manifesting causing the obsession cumpulsion loop. Anyway, thank you again for your story. It was very relatable.

[@rebeccaelfe4716]

you might not see this, but incase you do, this has just given me so much relief, you don't even know. thank you so much for this. I'm actually crying watching this video because you just described everything so perfectly. when I read things about harm ocd they always say the examples you gave at the start, like checking things or worrying about poisoning your family etc but mine aren't like that, instead the exact same as yours. hurting my mum purposefully, my pets, or just other family members. thank you so much for this honestly. you have given me a bit more peace knowing that someone else is experiencing thoughts so similar.

[@human8368]

Are you ok now

[@rebeccaelfe4716]

@@human8368 the fact you replied asking has made my day. i'm a lot better now! still the occasional thought but i don't let it consume me nor ruin my day. thank you for asking

[@uhksu4526]

@@rebeccaelfe4716 how do you control it , as in like how do you avoid thinking about it ?

[@rebeccaelfe4716]

@@uhksu4526 before i begin, i just wanna reassure you that these feelings will pass. i know when you are suffering with them they seem never ending, but you will eventually recover from this. firstly, something that really helped me was reminding myself its just background noise. my therapist told me to treat it like a radio in my head, where i have the option to turn the volume up or down, and literally IMAGINING you turning the volume down actually works. secondly, i got this book (which is the main thing that helped me) called 'overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts' by sally m. winston and martin n seif. it gives a lot of tips on how to avoid thinking about it, and reassuring you you aren't alone for having these thoughts. lastly, i got put on anti depressants (specifically fluxoetine) which eased my anxiety a lot therefore easing my intrusive thoughts, so if you try everything and it isnt working, i recommend going to your doctor and seeing about anti depressants. also, please don't be afraid to talk to professionals about it, i've told doctors and therapists some of my most craziest, deranged intrusive thoughts and they don't even bat an eye. sorry this is so long but i'm wishing you the best in getting through this!

[@uhksu4526]

@@rebeccaelfe4716 thank you for replying to me , I will try my best to get over it !

[@andybagleylp]

Thank you so much for putting up this video, I've been suffering with anxiety for about a year now, but within the last couple of weeks I've been getting intrusive thoughts about stabbing people that I can't seem to get rid of! The first few days were terrifying! it was so scary! but now I understand what's happening to me and it's so reassuring, I'm still learning how to deal with it but I'm determined to not let it ruin my life

[@cinderroxy5738]

I've been living with OCD my whole life. I am now 50 and I wish I had known more when I was younger. I too had harming OCD that manifested itself in fear of hurting my parents, my pets, etc. SOOO much of what you said sounds like me!!! This is mind blowing. This all lead up to me becoming (I believe) an alcoholic. You are very brave to share this and thank you. :) Oh, and I actually had a psychiatrist say this particular form of OCD was "very unusual" and he literally reduced me to tears because I felt like a monster. I now realize it is alot more common and he was just a quack! Thankfully I no longer have the harming OCD, however I do have some other other crappy symptoms. I check, I analyze the shit out of things people say, etc. I am reading and rereading this post (lol) for mistakes and I know there are probably a shit ton of them, but I am going to resist reading yet again. xo

[@kaliwallaceart]

+Cinder Roxy thanks for your comment, while it's an unfortunate thing it's still nice to hear others who can relate. i too have had more than my fair share of uninformed doctors, which is actually really alarming.... with so many people suffering, why does no one know anything about it???

[@cinderroxy5738]

That's what I've always wondered. I do believe that it is becoming more well known and hopefully understood thanks to people like you. :) xo

[@PanoramaUnion]

I do have harm thoughts for 8-10 years. as well. I am 24 now. I never used any medicines. Well i think there should be a reason which triggers it. I mean my ocd sometimes is like hell, and sometimes i forgot that i have any problem. When i had it first i had really violent thoughts like killing somebody or the full family or myself, or killing pets. I am or at least i used to be a very shy person, i used to feel very unconfortible talking on a phone on a bus for examle, i would say i am a bit antisocial in some ways, and my body is like a big stress box. I can shallow a lot of stress( i mean in negative way) and many times i am passive agressive person. I think these stress in our life triggers really OCD, because i had my OCD like hell in stressful times. Now i had a long about 1,5 year break when i didn't have any symptons.( i thought that i will never have it again) But now its came back again. But it is different as i am different now . I can stand stress better and i am not that anti social. The thoughts are not that violent anymore. I know that i wont kill or seriously injure anybody. I just have thought like hitting somebody in the head and after that they will be afraid of me. And many times i don't have actual thoughts but i am not comfortable when i touch a pet for example. So my first advice is reduce the stress as much as you can.

[@shagunmohta5994]

I want to know something..wat r the aftereffects of ur ocd?? Like for me, i tried to act upon my ocd thinking i cud actually harm somebody . So whenever i met that person, i started disliking them and my love for them soon diminished...now even though i dont get the thoughts, i find it really hard to love them back just like i did before ocd 😭..wat can i do about this?? Any advice?

[@PanoramaUnion]

@@shagunmohta5994 well if you actually tried to act on these thoughts that means you may not have ocd(because ocd is unwanted and usually these thoughts are opposite of the person) but urges that come with ocd are false even if the feel real, because the high level of anxiety creates them. Now i am feeling very good again. I did ERP for myself without a therapist. I literally put myself in the situation where i got a lot of anxiety and it works. If you do it again and again, the anxiety will go away and you will feel good again. That is hard to do but this is the only way. Ocd is about false thoughts and images and urges, but if you face your fears you will beat OCD.

[@honeykumar5448]

@@PanoramaUnion u know hindi language 🙄🙄 i want talk to you

[@damn8697]

Hey Someone Please make a online Community of ocd people, I need to talk to people who can understand my situation. Loneliness is haunting me.

[@panicoverdrive3876]

honestly feels good to know im not alone thank you for the video

[@kaliwallaceart]

good to hear!

[@chelzyramirez3663]

Just know you guys will recover soon promise❤ it just takes time it I takes time just be strong and I know by heart people with ocd are the strongest people I know ❤

[@dianadiaz5803]

I've had this same thing for a little over 30 yrs. It started when I had my first child. It is terrifying and Praise God, He's been with me all the way. I thank Him & give Him glory for leading me to your video. It's comforting to know that I am not alone...God bless you ♥️

[@DamianLoved]

thank you-- this hit home for me, the pain, the terror, everything. my ocd cycle generally kicks off with a distressing thought and then panic settles in. my harm ocd manifests in few ways (i may terrible things or terrible things may be done to me) but the spark is always the same, "what if x scenario happens?" and then catastrophizing remains on repeat. there's an immense amount of shame behind this disorder that i would not wish on anyone. learning to be more gentle and compassionate with myself has been very helpful. anyway, kudos to you for having the courage to articulate this stuff.

[@VictoriaPedata]

This video is my saving grace. I find myself coming back to this video every time my OCD and intrusive thoughts worsen. For me it was also about my pup and family whom I love more than anything and am very close to. My dog is my entire life and similarly I have a major fear of losing her and my loved ones. This video was and is still so comforting. I now go to therapy and just started medication to help me. Thank you for being so so brave and telling your story - I know it’s not easy. Anyone I’ve ever told thinks I’m crazy or doesn’t understand these thoughts are impulses I DO NOT WANT TO ACT ON. I feel it’s rooted in debilitating fear. Unfortunately I experience the need to keep my room/things perfectly organized and clean while also struggling with intrusive thoughts, routines and rituals. I’ve struggled with OCD my whole life and I’m so ready to finally help myself. ♥️ Thank you for posting!!!!!

[@human8368]

Are you feeling better now

[@Camikazeee777]

This is making me so emotional because I literally have gone through such a similar story you’re explaining. It’s terrible.

[@johnmacward]

What an incredible story of OCD, so eloquently and bravely told... you speak so, so well here.

[@kaliwallaceart]

thank you!

[@j.mclane3670]

Thanks so much for sharing your story! It really struck a cord with me as I developed harm ocd when I was 22 also! (3 yrs ago). It was directed to my fiance, and was really the scariest most life-shattering thing to go through at the time. I'm still an anxious person (always have been, always likely will be haha) but with lots of time and support from friends and family I've been completely clear of symptoms for a year or so, so dont believe anyone (psyschiatrists included!) that there is no such thing as a cure, it just may take some time. I'm an avid writer, painter and practicing psych nurse, so there's so many possibilities for anyone whose struggled with this. Keep you chin up and thanks for sharing, its a tough one to talk about (mostly cuz it can make you sounds like a murdering psycho!) and you hit the nail on the head. Time and life experience heals like nothing else. You would be shocked how many patients I have who struggle with harm ocd, its distressingly common! Ugh this is getting long but...Harm OCD especially targets people with creative minds! Creativity requires vivid imagination and ability to focus on a thought, and OCD basically is just the creative mind working overtime (and unfortunately imagining very rotten things, but imagining them very well!). Sounds like you have an incredible mind/imagination, and I think you (and so many of us) have an excellent prognosis! All the best, JL McLane

[@kaliwallaceart]

J. McLane thanks for your input! yes, i've heard that many of the people who deal with this sort of thing are artists or creators of some sort. i guess you'd almost HAVE to be because not everyone can imagine the things we do, just like you said. Thank you for your words of encouragement, and it's great to know that you and i have very similar stories and that you're doing better than you used to. I hope that trend continues with you and that i also find my way! i don't have much support from family (not because they don't want to, but more likely because it's something they can't quite wrap their minds around) but i do have a close friend or two that i can count on.

[@jillann9471]

What did you do to help yourself get better?

[@gracenelson6429]

I thought there was something wrong with me for so long I didn't understand what was going on. I have spent so much time crying and worrying. I just finally discovered that I have harm ocd. I hid it for 2 years and finally told my mom. Mine seems to get worse every so often and I think it's getting worse cause I kept ignoring it. I have had the same exact thoughts as you! I was always worried that something bad would happen to my loved ones. And then had bad thoughts of me hurting my loved ones and it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm always so scared I'm gonna get locked up somewhere. I just wanna live my normal happy life again. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Don't ever give up to all you strong people out there. We can kick ocds ass!

[@kpinthehouse6887]

OMG i've had the same thing happen to me when i was in 5th grade. It was absolutely awful. I would come home crying because all day long all I could think about was harming people. Even though I didn't want to... To this day I still have HORRIBLE ocd. I would love to talk to you sometime just because I don't have many people who can relate

[@leviathan6140]

I know, those dark thoughts and urges..i'm going through the same thing..like harming my family and it freaks me out with fear and panic. It's related with suppressed emotion,frustration,lonliness, and anxiety disorder. How are you feeling?its been 2 years since you commented here. Are u still having ocd? but now I have learn to control, I can help u if you want,some tricks and understanding of these thoughts

[@leviathan6140]

Elizabeth Gonzalez so here's what i was feeling.. It was so intense that I nearly forgot myself that i was alive.. I felt like i was turning into a beast or some sort of murderer.. As blunt as it may be thoughts like killing my family members would appear.. Or me eating them.. What did i do with it? For now i have learnt to control it, so I'm okay whenever these thoughts comes back.. First, i have contacted some online therapist and they said i was in severe anxiety.. Method: 1- you have to embrace that you have anxiety disorder, you cannot discard it. It will become a part of your life. 2- don't try to force yourself not to think of these thoughts, you cannot control what comes in your mind but you can control what you do.. If you try to stop thinking of these thoughts.. you are forcing yourself to focus on these dark thoughts which is a paradox.. 3- let the thoughts comes, let it stay there but don't pay them much attention.. 4- just say to yourself - " this is my body and i control it " 5- to stop over thinking - when you are on a bed or sitting on sofa. Close your eyes and first identify 5 things you know in the room, secondly identify 3 things you feel and thirdly identify 2 things you hear.. It will help a little to relax the brain.. This is what kept me at normal so far Elizabeth, i know the struggles and it's scary as hell but don't give up.. Also don't isolate yourself, loneliness is one of the factor for anxiety.. I hope you get better as you learn to accept yourself that you have anxiety and the dark thoughts doesn't represent you.."You are not what you think" Hope this new year bring joy upon you, stay blessed. Remember " the hardest battle are fought in mind" Don't ever give up on life :)

[@leviathan6140]

no i dont take meds or anti-depressant drugs..i want to heal naturally without putting any chemical in my brain..i heard that anti-depressant works for the time being but in long term the anxiety comes back which we seriously dont want it :).. if you are finding hard to endure try to make yourself busy, painting,listening songs or engage in some work.. and try to exercise or go for a jogging it helps the brain to focus on it and not on those horrible thoughts.

[@leviathan6140]

yeah you just think of it as a challenge given by life..to see how tough you are.. and I know we just look fine on the outside which people will never acknowledge or comfort us. they will just think you are crazy or overthinking..i remember once telling my mom that i have been having this type of thoughts and she scolded the shit out of me :D haha.. Just endure and fight it :), dont let something which only exist in your mind defeat you. once you emerged victory, what did u gain? you are one level tougher than rest. but if you have someone who will just listen to you..try telling the stories of your ocd. it reliefs your frustration and relax your mind a little..

[@leviathan6140]

thank you :) im pretty sure you can try telling him that i'm having scary thoughts (unless you dont go to the detail) ,he may try to comprehend it :) depends on him.. the fact that you panic or freaked out when u have such thoughts means ..its not your natural thoughts,it's not you.. okay I'm glad to help one in need which i myself experienced. here's my facebook name - Jefry Guts

[@jaleelpettus3569]

I cried watching this..im a 19 yr old male and I'm going thru the same thing you are going thru..you are beautiful always remember that

[@human8368]

I hope you are doing better now

[@sapphirestone8672]

I’m soooo freaking happy someone made a video for this because there are no story times like videos on this just people talking about the symptoms

[@daydream_plays]

Hi can totally relate to your story. I am going through harm ocd rightnow, this is horrible i can totally understand how you feel and im very sorry your are going through this too. I wish there would be more awareness out there about this type of ocd.like that, us who suffer from this would not feel like we are alone. Thank you very much for sharing your story :-)

[@kaliwallaceart]

Thank you! Awareness starts with people like us, videos like this, etc. Don't be afraid to tell people your story :) good luck!

[@whitedogblues09]

Thank you for making this video. This year I had a very similar breakdown like the one you've described. For months I had no idea what was going on with me, I was so consumed with shame and fear from all the intrusive thoughts of harm I was having that I was afraid to seek help, I feared people would think I was actually dangerous... I thought I was actually dangerous! I had no idea where these thoughts came from or whether or not I was gonna act on them... somewhere around the time I got diagnosed with OCD I stumbled onto this video, and I realized that this has happened to other people as well and I didn't have to feel so ashamed of myself. again.. thank you very much We may deal with fear and anxiety almost every day, but I think making a video like this proves you are very brave

[@stan5768]

I understand you so well that it hurts my soul

[@trashcandream]

Thank you for posting this video. I've been struggling with the onset of these thoughts off and on for the past year and a half and am now seeking treatment for it. You are so brave for telling your story to the world. Thank you for sharing xx

[@kaliwallaceart]

thanks! you're welcome, and i'm glad you're seeking treatment. hope everything goes alright.

[@sillysauske1072]

for me i try to just be in the moment, i notice if i don't sit there and overthink i don't get anxious about it. and if it's really really bad i can change the thought into something that will help me. like if i was like,"i could punch someone" i would change it to,"i could be a good friend to that someone" and it really helps.

[@yellowdog1078]

im so proud you can talk about this - that is amazing - you should be really chuffed with yourself. youre so brave.

[@averyalyse]

I struggle from this and I used to be so bad that I didn’t even want to go near the kitchen knives. I didn’t know it was OCD and so I thought I was losing my mind. Now that I know what it is, I’ve been feeling better. This doesn’t last forever. Unfortunately for me, I move on to other obsessions. But now that I know that I’m not crazy, I can now tell myself it’s just OCD.

[@honeykumar5448]

How to cure it pls tell me

[@PeconieMurlmander]

Thank you so much for making this video. I have been feeling these ways for the past 2 years (fearing that I’ll suddenly lose control and hurt either my parents or my sister or my dog or myself) and it is so scary to live with. I’m always hiding scissors, knives, etc and I’m deathly afraid to explain it to anyone I’m close to because of the fear that they’ll think that I want to do these things. I was watching the show on Netflix called “The Mind Explained” just an hour ago and saw that on the anxiety episode that this woman who has harm OCD said that she feared hurting her family and I immediately resonated with that fear and began looking into harm OCD. Anyways, long story short, I am so grateful for this video that you made because you explained what I’m going through perfectly and I really understand how difficult living with this is. I’ve never been diagnosed with it but it is literally exactly what I’ve been going through for a while now. Thank you so much!

[@OkraDayss]

Thank you so much for this. I am tearing up. Ive been dealing with this for months and at one point it was so bad where I would just cry and get a pit in my stomach whenever I would get the intrusive thoughts. Thank you.

[@jeffstanley9724]

I'm 5 years late but I've been diagnosed with harm ocd and it's an awful experience and it got to the point to where I needed to be hospitalized. I was confused and just didn't know what was going on and not knowing makes it worse or you're going "crazy". I kept having intrusive thoughts about hurting my wife. I've been having some flare ups recently but I'm aware that it's my ocd so it's passing intrusive thoughts instead of lingering intrusive thoughts. Watching your video on this helped me as well because harm ocd isn't talked about as much as it should be. I hope you're doing well these days dealing with your ocd. Great video and thank you for making this.

[@zp1167]

Try taking magnesium and folic acid supplements... It is essential in helping treat OCD and other mental disorders... I too have ocd...

[@glmqz]

i know i’m late to this video. i’m literally crying right now because i haven’t found anyone else who understands. i feel exactly what you are saying. thank you so much for making this video ❤️

[@allisonbrooke5661]

Thank you so much for this video! I am currently struggling with harm OCD, and it has been a battle sense the beginning. I first started getting the symptoms of harm OCD when I was 10, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I would cry every night wondering if I’m a psycho or if I’m a really bad person. It went away for a while until it flared up again when I was 11, then again when I was 12, and eventually 13. There was one night where all I wanted to do was cry and I literally wanted the world to end for me. I then looked up my thoughts and I discovered that I had harm OCD. I was freaked out about it at first, but I was relieved to find out that this was an actual thing. I thought I was crazy and messed up and all I wanted to do was cry, but once I found out that this was an actual mental illness and that there were treatment options, I was absolutely relieved! I have told my parents and we are seeking for treatment! We will get through this together girly!💖

[@chelzyramirez3663]

How are you doing now?

[@allisonbrooke5661]

@@chelzyramirez3663 I’m doing a lot better now thank you so I much for asking!💕 I haven’t gotten any negative thoughts sense last spring, I feel a lot better! How are you?❤️

[@kristymarie6065]

@@allisonbrooke5661 did you get on meds? Did they help you?

[@allisonbrooke5661]

@@kristymarie6065 I actually haven’t hurd of medication for harm ocd, I’ll look into that.

[@kieronwarren3808]

I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd but last week I was feeling suicidal, been having thoughts of hurting my family and they ended up putting me in a holding cell, had a panic attack in the cell, ik I am not capable of hurting anyone, never even been in a fight, just feels like sometimes I could do something and it scares me

[@jessicasavage2234]

I don't know what to think right now. I never found anyone else like you, someone who seems to have experienced/is experiencing something so similar to what I am. I still feel lost and confused but at least I know I'm not the only person like this.

[@human8368]

I hope you are doing better now

[@anthonystitt7015]

You are an amazingly strong person. You are a gift to so many people here. Thank you.

[@quendelf]

You're really brave to make this. I have had anxiety for YEARS and I am only just starting to realise it might be pure o ocd. Even just realising this is a relief because I don't just feel like a mental case.

[@kaliwallaceart]

thanks! i'm really not that brave though haha, i think my initial intentions for making this video were probably pretty selfish or maybe even a compulsion on its own, like i wanted someone to validate what i was feeling and say it was going to be fine. though i still struggle with these issues, a lot has changed in this time, and i'm glad i could help others in some way. the number of people who have found my videos and commented that they're going through something similar is really mind-blowing. you're definitely not alone :)

[@KyndalSarah]

I do not think you are selfish, I think you are brave for sharing your story. You are not alone!

[@kpaullo3641]

When you said the the first time you had a thought you said to yourself "woah, wtf was that.." That was word for word my thought too. not funny but.. lol i can so relate. Also im so sorry you had to go through that in the hospital, that hit me hard. This stuff really makes you feel alone because so many people that we look to for help are clueless about what is going on. With the proper support though we WILL get through this. Thank you for posting.

[@iroh66]

Holy shit, this is exactly what I've been experiencing on and off for the last year. Like exactly. To know that I'm not alone is the most comforting thing.

[@lenalee2031]

저는 지금 격고 있는데 너무너무 힘들어요 ㅠㅠ 친구해요

[@annamclaughlin4524]

I give you so much credit and respect for putting this video up. I am 22..and had my first harm ocd experience when I was 20 about to turn 21. I had the same exact thoughts you first had about either having to end my life because of how uncomfortable or scared it made me..or me having to go into some institution. Literally have the same harmful impulsive thoughts about my family and my animals and i thought i would never be able to see them again. Im really relieved that im not the only one to have experienced this burden. People like you have helped me through it for the past 2 years. And im so thankful for you. I wish i had saw this video sooner, but I have been struggling hard lately. Thankfully you had the first video that popped up.

[@roccityplowingandlawncare2744]

God bless you my friend. I was diagnosed with ocd at 13 and I’m 47 now. Crippling as a kid because I know I’ve had it before age 13. My daughter is suffering from harm ocd now and cries saying Dad this isn’t me and I want it to go away. She’s taking medication now and has an upcoming appointment with a therapist but I’m coaching her and I know with Gods help and medication and therapy we will make it. God bless you.

[@kristymarie6065]

How is she doing?

[@roccityplowingandlawncare2744]

@@kristymarie6065 It’s like a night and day difference now. I’ve always coached her about ocd and explained the four R’s that Dr Jeffery Schwartz came up with.

[@roccityplowingandlawncare2744]

@@kristymarie6065 I’ve actually coached and continue to coach people with ocd.

[@kristymarie6065]

@@roccityplowingandlawncare2744 that’s great. I’ve had it for over 15yrs. It went away and then came back this past year worst than ever. I’m in therapy now just nervous to get on meds

[@roccityplowingandlawncare2744]

@@kristymarie6065 It’s going to be ok Kristy. Take the medication but equally important is practice mindful awareness. It’s only ocd and it can hurt you is what you have to tell yourself. Talk back to ocd by calling it a liar. When you have an intrusive thought you tell yourself that it’s not me.. it’s just ocd and I’m ok. Then refocus your attention on a task like exercise or reading or talking with someone. It’s important to distract ocd. My ocd was checking things and what I would do is tell myself that you can’t go back and check etc for at least five minutes. You can check but the rule is wait five minutes. After five minutes it’s self evaluation. How am I feeling? Did the urge lessen? I may then still feel it and give it another five minutes knowing I can check but I need to wait first. As time goes on each day you increase by a minute and by doing this we rewire the brain and ocd becomes easier to deal with. This along with medicine works wonders. Good diet is important also. Avoid a lot of sugar and caffeine and alcohol. Honestly for me over all it’s plant based I love. Not just for ocd but my overall well-being. I’m always available Kristy if you need help. Text if you’d like. 💪💪💪

[@DarkLabel7]

You are not alone! Your history is very similar to my anxious life. You had very courage to update this video with your thoughts! You can check that five years ago you not kill anyone! It was only fears and intrusive thoughts. Be strong and best regards from Spain!!

[@boogindaus2425]

I have lived my whole life and am now 63 years old. I have the exact same symptoms as you. It started when I was 21. I have been on Effexor for a very long time but I still have good days and bad. I gave up with the docs a long time ago. Effexor doesn't seem to be working now. If you want to talk, let me know.

[@human8368]

You're very strong ..

[@andreaostrich6476]

God bless you Kaliwallace for making this video and sharing your story. You are so brave and this helps a lot of people dealing with this hellish nightmare that is OCD including myself. I had a similar situation with a psychiatrist that was not helpful at all. I was so alone and in a deep dark place, I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. I've had harm ocd, mystical thinking, I think I've had relationship, and recently another one I'm not comfortable mentioning. But thank you so much for putting yourself out there it means a lot to know I'm not alone in this. You are strong and will make it through, please don't give up and stay strong girl! Thank you! ♥️

[@mchockey3]

For those of us that truly know OCD, it's a miserable bitch. Hope you've been able to overcome. ERP therapy is the only way.

[@Anica-x4r]

I have fear of harm my self can u tell me how to do erp?

[@truecrimewjared2469]

Thank you for opening up so publicly about your story. There are many times in the video when I felt I could relate. You are such a strong person and I hope you are doing well.

[@freddysherrell1968]

thank you im 13 and going through this and im scared and you just helped me so much thank u... God bless you

[@human8368]

I hope you are doing better now

[@leannepeters7335]

I hope you are feeling better. This video is helpful for me because I have harm/intrusive thoughts OCD. I am an artist too. I think it's the fear of the thought that is the key. When we learn to be less afraid, we feel more calm.

[@wyattborgen2920]

I just wish I had a time machine to go back to the day when I had my very first thought and I just wish I would’ve calmed down and had the knowledge that I have now and maybe could’ve had prevented this ugh it eats at me everyday.

[@human8368]

we all wonder about things that aren't possible .. but in the end you gotta stay in the moment and enjoy life at it's best . I hope it's gotten better for you now ☺️

[@Richyserp]

Everything you literally just said, hits so hard. Thank you for this.

[@lilyrosaa2123]

Thank you for making this. I'm struggling with the same thing. It is so hard. I hope you feel better.

[@kaliwallaceart]

Well thank you for watching! :) yes, it's super difficult not to lose sight of things when you're going through this. Hope you're dealing with everything alright.

[@dexcinder6538]

Thank you sooo much for making this video! You're awesome and don't apologise for crying, it's nothing to be ashamed of! I relate to this so much. I feel so free, like I'm gonna fly weeeeeee

[@Doornebuzzz]

Thank you so much for this video. I am currently experiencing the same symptoms, and your words really empowered me. I hope you'll continue doing well. I'll be starting treatment soon and I'm sure that in time, I will be fine as well. Thank you.

[@kaliwallaceart]

You're very welcome, I'm glad I could help in some way. Yes, seek out treatment and give it your all. You can do it :)

[@antoniopavicevac-ortiz8886]

You're very brave to have posted this; This essentially happened to me as well.

[@jeremyscherr5461]

I have harm OCD and it scares me because sometimes my thoughts tell me I want to do these things.

[@judemarino8914]

Jeremy Scherr yeah I have the same thing

[@karriescott6709]

Same

[@samanthacringe7123]

Same. Mine at one point ended up being really scary, and I didn’t know what to do.

[@audreyh.8284]

Klir Films I had thoughts of doing things to my dog too. I still have these thoughts but not about my dog anymore because I did “exposure therapy” by petting my dog and just letting the thoughts pass by. Soon I could watch TV and sit with my dog without thinking about harming him ❤️

[@human8368]

I hope all of you are doing better now

[@tribezara6602]

Wow. Thank you for this video. i’m going through the literal exact same thing right now, and it’s very aggravating and kind of makes u feel hopeless. Thank you for this video, kali.

[@andychang2739]

You are such a warrior. And so beautiful

[@kaliwallaceart]

+andy chang thank you

[@deckearns]

Thank you so very much for posting this❤

[@toastskate]

I can't even tell you how much i can relate to this..

[@sirvana4951]

This video really gives a great insight into this insidious and cruel condition. .Psychiatrists and other mental health professions are tragically unaware of Harm OCD - often confusing it with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder etc. Unfortunately, the wrong medication,e.g. largactil is often administered to people with harm OCD. This video should be mandatory viewing for every psychiatrist, psychologist and mental health worker. Looking forward to more of your insightful videos on this subject. Keep up the good work.

[@kaliwallaceart]

Sir Vana thank you for your encouragement! yes, i saw a psychiatrist once that was basically putting words in my mouth and trying to peg me as bipolar. i know i'm not bipolar. i never went back to her. finding the right doctor is a challenge in itself.

[@karriescott6709]

SO relatable, I’m 16 and I was watching a video of Gattor Martin reacting to scary interactions between two people. I just sat up and felt scared that I was going to murder someone, I thought I had the urge to and I started freaking out. Then I started having visions of my little brother and me stabbing him. I’m scared that I have the urge, I’m scared I’m capable and that I’m going to do it, I feel crazy and i feel like a murderer that hasn’t murdered yet. I feel crazy and insane, and telling my mom half the story and she looked at me sacredly. And I can’t explain it, I was terrified, thank you for helping. Even tho I’m still scared that I want to.

[@borninjordan7448]

I had the same problem, bud. I had the thoughts of harming my family when I was sixteen. If you want to talk, just let me know.

[@borninjordan7448]

Sorry, you're not a "bud"".

[@human8368]

Yea man same , I just want to talk to someone

[@markcoole5335]

Wow, you are so brave and such a wonderful person to have shared this video. I know you are NOT EVER going to purposely hurt anyone or anything, the only way we can go forward in our lives is to remember that the doubt is there because we love those so much that we would do anything to stop them being hurt. This is what causes our doubt. I really hope you can spend as much time as possible with your pets and mom as this is what you SHOULD do, not doing it is letting the OCD win. We have to do the opposite of what Ocd tells us. Would love to talk to you sometim. All the best xx

[@kaliwallaceart]

Thank you! Yes, you're right. And while my reasonable self knows that you're right, I'm still at a stage where I find myself saying "yeahhh buuuut I'm not sure.." which is of course what's feeding the problem because I feel the need to find an answer to something unanswerable. Ugh. It's not fun and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but we have to work with the cards we're dealt and unfortunately my hand isn't a great one, haha. Hope all is well on your end though!

[@markcoole5335]

nihaokaili I have had this issue for about 4 years on off and other ocd fears for years before. Have seen 5 counsellors and taken lots of medication and you know what I have had it with OCD and its tricks. Why should I spend my life worrying about something that wont happen. I am not a murderer you are not a murderer. We are just people who have an illness much like people who have diabetes. They dont want it but have to manage it on a daily basis. What I would like to do is help other people with this illness. So if you are reading this and have this illness, be strong and remember who you are and what your values are. You are loving and are loved.

[@jillann9471]

@@markcoole5335 what helped you overcome yours

[@Imamouseduh451]

Your story is almost identical to mine. Having to research things over and over. 😵‍💫

[@spiritedsora]

i related so much to this it actually made me smile to hear i’m not the only one and that i’m ok. i’ve cried countless times and hurt myself over and over thinking i was a bad person, i’m 18 now, and i’ve never harmed anyone in life, at all ever. and i’m a HUGE animal person, and out of no where a few months ago i just started getting these bad thoughts about harming my boyfriend or my cat and my family as well, i cried and hurt myself as a punishment. i was so worried always thinking is this me why do i think this way, am i crazy etc. I’m not a violent i’ve never been one. thank you for sharing your story i know it’s sad but it put a smile on my face that i actually really relate to this no one understands and how scary it is.

[@kaliwallaceart]

glad you've found me! i've heard this before, unfortunately some people with fears of harming others sometimes harm themselves as a punishment or way to "neutralize" the thoughts or fears that they'll hurt someone else.hopefully you can work on a more productive way to face the thoughts that doesn't involve hurting yourself. in therapy we learn to accept them and even agree with them in an effort to acclimate to the anxiety they cause. hope this helps!

[@spiritedsora]

nihaokaili thank you 💔 i’m. getting into therapy soon from it. it was just a relief to hear i’m not alone in it. hope your doing well with yours as well.

[@gabyflores4516]

i was 14 years old when it first happened to me. I hope we can all find the help we need

[@marinokeyhorn7996]

This is so validating and incredibly valuable thank you so much for sharing. I had so manny doctors say similar things to me, implying that I was going to kill myself, etc. Until I finally discovered what was really going on with me. I hope you've been feeling better. I'm in ERP therapy now trying to work on it myself.

[@emmaroulstonewrestlingfan]

Going through the same thing. I love my cat so much- I was stroking him, then all of a sudden i had a thought in my head , and to reassure myself I had to touch him again, but now I feel so guilty and upset thinking I touched him again because I wanted to hurt him rather than reassure myself. It felt so scary at the time because of the thought combined with the action. I know I would never hurt him but my brain is telling me i'm a monster!

[@human8368]

I hope you are doing better now

[@KennyAlmendral]

I can relate to everything you've said because I have this type of OCD, every time I wake up, I struggle... Anyway, keep going Kali!

[@human8368]

I hope you are doing better now

[@freespirit1433]

Have the same thing I'm 24 now dealing with this since I was 14 years old ten years on and im still here it does help to know your not alone keep the head up people

[@human8368]

I hope you are doing better now ☺️

[@freespirit1433]

@@human8368 thank you so so much this means the world to me and I hope you are keeping good also 😊

[@athenapenelope7057]

Ever since my sister was diagnosed with cancer last February my mental health has completely shifted. I’ve always been a little off and never stable because of my adhd and anxiety, and it’s so much worse now and something that has come from all of it is harm ocd. I’ve been getting horrible thoughts of hurting my family and I’ve never been so suicidal when I have these episodes. Ive bottled up literally all of my emotions since my sister was diagnosed and haven’t been able to talk to anyone about anything, so thank you for posting this. I had no idea that this was a thing

[@human8368]

I hope you are doing better now

[@FordManiac76]

I’ve had harm OCD for 20 years, since my early 20s. It has consumed my life but I have hidden it from everyone up until recently. I took Paxil for 12 years then cipralex for the last couple. The drugs do help take most of it away but I still have bouts that I treat with Ativan. The visions and urges are mostly about hurting myself and others. I love to hunt but anytime I’m near guns I have visions of putting the gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger or shooting someone else. I love to cook but I envision cutting, stabbing and dismembering myself and others. I like to build things but I envision hitting myself or others with a hammer. At work I see visions of jumping over the desk and stabbing my boss in the eye with a pen. These visions are like very graphic color videos playing in my head, no one else knows they are happening and the involuntarily urge to do these things that I don’t want to do is so disturbing that I breakout sweating and trembling. These examples are just a few of the many hundreds of thousands I have had. Without the medication they would happen hundreds of times a day which is unbearable. I reached my first real breaking point in my mid 20s because I was scared of hurting my little kids and was starting a new job. The doctor barely said anything other than don’t tell anyone or you will be committed to a syc ward and prescribed me the Paxil. I reached the second breaking point a couple years ago when the Paxil stopped working (Paxil burnout) this time the doctor was knowledgeable and knew about OCD and put me on Cipralex and Ativan. All these years thinking that I was a sycopath has drained me of all my energy and passion. The side effect of the medication is that it has stripped me of whatever emotion and compassion I did have compounding the thought of being an emotionless syco. Thank you for making the video, the more knowledge and understanding of this illness the better.

[@Spartanmomo]

So it ended up working for you ?

[@tedcrilly46]

bswa ajahn brahm is a channel that could benefit you. if there's someone who understands the mind its him. i hope you'll check it out. also im not spam, even if i sound kind of spammy. (proof : you misspelled psychopath, and mention paxil). anyway, excellent monk, abbot of a temple. deep talks on the mind.

[@Brittanymoore31]

I LOVED this... was having a rough time a few months ago, pretty much been spiking up here and there, and could never find a video that I actually related to. this was awesome, thankyou so much for being open enough to share this !

[@kaliwallaceart]

Brittanymoore31 sure thing! hope things are getting better for you!

[@Vardagsvegan1]

i know exactly how you feel.

[@ella1903-l9f]

This is my hell currently especially since im going through benzo withdrawal. Its the worst feeling in the world. The crazy intrusive thoughts feel like youve really done those things. I get almost hysterical when i am around family members . My compulsion is to video record myself everywhere cos i dont trust my own minds recollection of events. (False memory ocd). Im now on setriline and im hoping it ll help

[@cmeth0827]

my harm ocd started when I was 22 and I'm the same age as you, we have the exact same experience! message me