Nonviolent Communication | When Both You and the Other Want To Be Heard

Want to learn more? Pick one of the following:
FREE TRAINING
Join one of my webinars: cupofempathy.c...
FREE DOWNLOAD
Download my Tough Talk Preparation Sheet: cupofempathy.com
Get my list of feelings & needs here : cupofempathy.c...
COURSE
Join one of my courses for beginners, advanced or romantic partners. Check them out here: cupofempathy.c...
SAY HI ON SOCIAL:
/ cupofempathy
/ cupofempathy
#nonviolentcommunication #NVC #cupofempathy #Mariannevandijk

[@CupofEmpathy]

Let me know what you thought of this!

[@valq10]

Hey I don't know if you do requests for videos but I was watching your ones on jealousy and I would love to see something on how to handle unreciprocated romantic interest if you still want to stay friends with that person. I'm planning on doing an NVC seminar as soon as possible in my area so no worries if you can't I'll ask my question eventually but I reckon a lot of people could appreciate such a video. Thanks for all you do, you and Marshall have improved my life so much already x

[@CupofEmpathy]

@@valq10 hey Val, thanks for the appreciation, that feels warm to receive 😍 and I love getting suggestions for videos,ill keep this one in mind.

[@franciscoguevara9727]

i think this one was more confusing to understand than other ones of your videos, and in that it may be triggering the perfectionism. Its good to stay natural and also follow the intuition and the ebb and low after we understand a bit about needs and communication and others triggers as well.

[@franciscoguevara9727]

The summary was clarifying. Thank you for the channel, keep up the good work!

[@alforliniteaching5670]

I don't agree with sex talk. Love always s. Al.

[@Giyuo]

I always liked the option to just tell the person that your full but that they can keep talking and that you just won’t be able to retain information as well. They usually decide to let you speak then, and if not you don’t have to feel bad for not hearing them.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Interesting to hear your strategy, happy you found something that works!!

[@kimmarieburt1313]

For us, the idea of hearing one person to the end of words was the only way. When my husband wanted to take a turn it was always to disprove what I had said and the explain why what he was doing was justified and why I shouldn’t be upset. Once we both learned how to listen for understanding and empathize we could have more shared conversations, but initially there was so much damage from years of never being heard that it had to go to the end of words.

[@andreacallan8100]

This question really speaks to me, thanks for sharing your responses Marianne. For me, I am reminded of times when interacting with people who I know have a chronic unmet need to be heard. So I can go into feeling unsafe that there won’t be sove for me (touching on my recovering people pleaser wound of not mattering). Holding what you shared about my needs not being under pressure to be met in this exact moment brings some lightness. As well as a celebration for the support system I have cultivated. In my situation, I would expect not to be as well heard by the other person as I hear them (they don’t practice NVC). There is also a mourning here that I am not seen for all the contributions I make to the connection (touching on what you said about all the work that goes into listening). And again - I can meet that need elsewhere! So thank you for speaking to this, it gives me more ease at the thought of encountering activating conversations.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Thank you Andrea, happy to hear this!

[@Giyuo]

At 9:30 and 13:00 I think it’s understated how important it is for the listener to get confirmation that their summary properly represents what was said and their partner feels heard before the next 5 minute interval switches over. I’ve failed at summarizing by projecting my own emotions into it and also made the mistake of defending my summary against what was supposed to be their side of the story. I find it useful to remember even though I’m summarizing. It’s still their turn to be heard and that it’s the time for corrections to be made by them to guarantee they feel it’s happening.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Yes!! I have mentioned this in other videos and tried to add something else here, but I'm glad you point it out because it's an essential element!

[@natalielloyd617]

Thank you so much for these wonderful and wise videos--they are really helping me. I love your integrity and thoughtfulness! I think I will try the timer idea for future conversations :-)

[@CupofEmpathy]

So glad to hear that Natalie that stimulates me to make more of them!

[@Sbmhdk]

Thank you Marianne. I enjoy and appreciate the work you share so much. I felt truth in me for a need “to build trust in my ability to collaborate” when you said that. I have had experiences where a loved one would be sharing sometimes for hours on a deep issue like depression. Initially I recall it as me feeling like a doomed eternity setting in. But in light of your words, I can see now that I was actually beginning to lose confidence and certainty in not being able to feel connection or help the friend find resolution in themselves or feeling heard. I like the way you used the word “collaborate” because it reminded me that it is not me bringing them their resolution but that it is a collaboration I get to be a part of. Thank you. I noticed you began to doubt your expression but I want to reassure you I understood what you were saying and it really helped! I can see how building *over time* my trust in my ability to collaborate and support another will help me in these kinds of conversations. And perhaps next time, I may notice this drop in confidence and the awareness alone could be enough to feel relief and more spaciousness. I also wonder if admitting to this feeling arising during certain conversations, like with sensitive or empathic loved ones, would be an opportunity to reconnect us both to the present moment, to each other, and to the conversation. Because on some level the other person may have already sensed this shift in me, and acknowledging this could serve to ground the conversation and actually reassure us both rather than cause issue or more alarm? Like, say, “hey I want to acknowledge I’ve shifted a little in my confidence here but I’d like to keep listening,” or something. There were so many wonderful parts to this video that I would like to appreciate you for. It’s like solid gold to me, your content is! I feel like a kid in a candy store.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Oh wow your appreciation brings me so much! Warmth, motivation to continue..thank you!

[@alforliniteaching5670]

Good work.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Thank you Al!!

[@theresebroderick]

Thank you-- very helpful video.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Happy to hear that, thanks!!

[@esthernohemi5856]

Awesome advice thanks!

[@CupofEmpathy]

thank you Esther!

[@oink197]

As always very useful and deep insights! Thank you!

[@CupofEmpathy]

Yay!! Happy to hear that :-)

[@alforliniteaching5670]

You are demonstrating a great way.

[@CupofEmpathy]

thank you Al

[@danielhall67]

Sometimes I get tired of being the giraffe 🦒 in conversation / conflict. When I speak giraffe and the other person doesn’t attempt to speak giraffe, I feel upset, b/c I have a need for fairness and equality.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Yup that is very relatable..

[@yvonnerogers6429]

😎 Thanks! This was helpful!

[@JH-lb7ig]

Hello, thanks a lot for making this useful video, I think this is a really important topic and I really liked what you said about getting to know our ‘being heard’ history and what that feels like in our bodies. I also really like your communication style it’s very warm and gentle and a lovely listen! I wonder if you could say more about communicating so you feel heard too, it seemed to me that this was more about supporting the other person to feel heard which is also important but I want to make sure I’m taken myself into equal consideration. Also what about when you feel like you’re always the one listening and supporting others to feel heard? I know you said listening is a form of self care for us - could you explain a bit more please? Also are there times or signs when it’s better to leave the situation and trying to find a resolution? What are the signs of a full cup? I am trying to work on communicating my feelings and needs from having had a codependent upbringing and I feel like some family members are getting tired of me doing so. I recently had a situation with someone close to me who is usually pretty kind with listening who was really defensive and I felt was disputing my feelings and reality and wouldn’t even acknowledge how i felt? It immediately became about them even though it was me who felt hurt by something they’d said. So yes any tips on signs of when to leave a convo or what to do in that situationwould be really appreciated. Thank you for all that you do.

[@heatherholmes3156]

I was thinking when we link with empathy buddies we often have a time limit on the listening and reflecting back or dance floor process and then switch. I think this question is about people in a relationship but the same can apply. I love the idea of guessing what the relationship might mean.

[@CupofEmpathy]

Yes I like that approach too!

[@Andrew-yw6kt]

Marianne, I'm worried you're not making new videos lately. Do you still love NVC?

[@CupofEmpathy]

Hey! Yes I do! although I am in a process of refining it..while also having been ill and moving four times..so bare with me! And I just publishes a new video that's just a simple sharing :-)

[@ckanoria]

Friction could be a better word instead of conflict 🙏

[@CupofEmpathy]

I like that word as well in this context, thank you.