Back to Nagoshima, on *Lunchtime Gourmet on Location* Nagoshima - "Good evening, everyone. Boy do I have a treat for you this week. Yes, believe it or not, I've gotten my hands on a private recording of *the* Homosapiens! It sure would be exciting if it got handed around to other comedians! It'd also be great if it just stayed with the Homosapiens, though. It's such a shame that due to the radio signal I can only pick up a few minutes each day. Well then, without further ado, enjoy!" 0:26: This time, the subjects are Homosapiens comedy duo members Kensuke Shibagaki the boke wild boar and Atsuya Baba the tsukkomi horse. Must say, their humor and dialogue can be quite something... Shibagaki - "Ahh, don't wanna be awake! What's the time? Oh, this is upside down. Where the heck did I put my glasses? Oh, that's right, I was out drinkin' til dawn-Ouch! Tch! So damn annoyin'. Found them! It's barely gone midday. Could've slept in longer, since it's my day off and all... Tsk. No messages of gratitude from that young 'un I kindly took out for drinks last night, I see! Kids these days have no respect for their elders. I *was* the one who picked up the tab, y'know! Sure, the drinks might've been dirt cheap, but still. Irregardless of that, we're just talkin' common courtesy here! No harm in sayin' 'Cheers for the advice', or 'Thanks for the funny story' at the very least. Well, I guess I *was* just trash-talkin' Bonnou Illumination the whole time... bit chilly, eh. Maybe I should just go back to sleep. This is useless… stuffy! This futon is too stuffy! Oh, should watch that program with the meerkats poppin' their heads out that I recorded yesterday. Only that kind of footage can heal me now." Baba (on TV) - "...and now it's time for our WHAT'RE YA EATING FOR LUNCH TODAY? segment!" (In standard Japanese, "jibun" is a 1st-person pronoun, but in the Kansai region it can be used as a casual 2nd-person pronoun, so "ya" is used to try to get a similar point across.) S - "Couldn't have picked a worse time to turn on the TV." B (TV) - "...and we're off and runnin'! Uhh, yes, in this segment, we ask random people on the street if we can join them for lunch-" S - "First of all, using "ya" to address people makes you sound like a country bumpkin. Kansai locals are the only ones who reckon there's nothin' weird about using it." (Shibagaki is criticizing the use of "jibun" to mean "you" instead of "I", as people who aren't from Kansai would find it confusing.) B (TV) - "We've come to Ginza this time a.k.a The Gin!" (It's an outdated wordplay where they swapped the syllables of "Ginza" into "Za Gin") S - "Nobody calls it that anymore. B (TV) - "Shall we try talkin' to that lady over there? She sure does look like she's well-off! Um, uh, 'scuse me, uh, do you have a moment? Did you see her eyes? She glared at me like that woman in the bus scene at the start of Joker!" S - "This guy is about two years outta sync with the real world." B (TV) - "Shall we try talkin' to that intimidatin' young man next? On second thought... he's probably just goin' to buy some instant noodles from 7/11… did you see that?! He just got into a Lamborghini! How's a guy like that so rich?!" S - "This preface is pointless. As pointless as the whistlin' sections in karaoke. B (TV) - "Oh! Take a gander at that stylish gent over there. Let's try talkin' to him! 'Scuse me! Can you spare a minute?" Man (on TV) - "Huh? Yeah, I guess." B (TV) - "Say it with me now... WHAT'RE YA EATING FOR LUNCH TODAY?" S - "Ugh. They couldn't make this sound anymore forced if they tried." Man (TV) - "Sushi." B (TV) - "Seriously!? That's Tokyo for you! Can we accompany you?" Man (TV) - "S-sure." S - "This is *so* obviously set-up. Who on earth would *willingly* have lunch with a third-rate comedian." B (TV) - "Well, here we are. Since we're at a restaurant with delicious fish harvested from all across Japan, let's... gyo-gyo-gyo-gyo-gyo!" (This is a *terrible* pun - "gyo" means fish.) B (TV) - "I'm aimin' to eat 90 or so pieces of sushi... Chief! What do you recommend?!" S - "Awful. Just awful. Scripted or not, it's goddamn awful." B (TV) - "Order's up! It's an assortment of famous Oma Tuna!" (Oma is a city in northern Japan well-regarded for it's high quality tuna.) B (TV) - "What a spread! Let's dig in!" (Cue awkward silence) S - "This pause is far too pregnant...and the verdict is? B (TV) - "Delicious!" S - "Kill yourself! No point in livin' if that's all you've got to say!" B (TV) - "...and this one is..." Shibagaki - "I'm listenin'." Baba (TV) "...delicious!" S - "Quit your job right this instant. If you can't think of anythin' funny, then it's game over. Man (TV) - "Lean cuts of Oma Tuna have a strong flavor-" S - "This fella sounds like he's readin' off a script." B (TV) -"Next up, fatty tuna! Look how it shines! Almost seems a waste to eat it!" S - "This is the make-or-break moment... Baba (TV) - (Just silence) S - "Just give birth already!" B (TV) - "...delicious!" S - "This is no gig for a comedian. Narrator (TV) - "Even though he talks for a living, Baba continues to eat without saying anything of value." (Cue canned laughter from TV) B (TV) - "Look out, I might go to *ya* town next!" S - "Now I'm just pissed off. Gotta phone him... hello, Baba? B - "Oh, Shibagaki. What's up?" S - "What're you doin'?" B - "Just finished havin' lunch with the TV crew. S - "Tchah." B - "What is it?" S - "I saw it. That "WHAT'RE YA EATING" segment of yours." B - "Oh, it already aired, did it?" S - "I mistook it for a fever-induced nightmare." B - "How? S - "'Cause it was like bein' in hell." B - "That's just how daytime gourmet programs are." S - "I'd rather watch those ads that pop up when you're playin' games on your phone." B - "I'm just doin' it to help make us successful." S - "I don't *wanna* be successful if *that's* the price of entry." B - "You were the one who said you wanted us to follow in Bonnou Illumination's footsteps!" S - "I heard a rumor, but is it true that last year, you congratulated Bonnou Illumination when they advanced to the finals of the N-1?" B - "Damn right I did. I was overjoyed for them, and glad to see that hard work *does* pay off-" S - "You got a screw loose or somethin'? Doesn't matter if they came before or after us, don't welcome the success of those in the same industry! Don't show support for them on Twitter! Be resentful! Feel so resentful you take your anger out on household items, or scream in the shower! Don't fawn over them! Treat *everyone,* from the bigwigs to the small fry, as your enemy! Aside from common courtesies, disregard your colleagues! Don't praise them even if you *did* reckon they were funny! Keep your compliments superficial, and then renounce them from the bottom of your heart! Believe yourself to be superior! Become so self-involved you snatch all the fans away from other comedians! Wack your girlfriend or your mates if they praise any comedians except for you! For instance, if any newbies tell you you're funny, believe instead that they're just *makin'* fun of you! There's no way *I'd* be able to just waltz on over and praise another comedian, even if I *did* reckon they were the bee's knees! I'd sprint home fists clenched, grindin' my teeth! B - "I'm beggin' you to look at the bigger picture. Give a man a little credit. I'm workin' my ass off here." S - "For now, I refuse." B - "Why're you treatin' me like an unprompted app review request..." S - *"The point is,* you need to be more selective. Our name's on the line. Either that, or retire." B - "Why're those my only two options?!" S - "Then, slowly walk into the sea fully clothed." B - "Are you *tryin'* to make my parents cry or somethin'!?" S - "Gradually, go deeper and deeper..." B - "Mn." S - "...until the water reaches above your head. Then, close your eyes." B - "Wouldn't I die if I did that!?" S - "No, no, don't look back at me. B - "Why can't I!?" S - "Keep goin', further and further." B - "What's the end game here!?" S - "All the way over there." B - "Over *where!?"* S - "Far, far, far, away. To the opposite shore." B - "Oh, so I *do* get to live then!?" S- "Go, and never come back." B - "Stop horsin' around!" S - "I'm serious. Dead serious." B " - "Wait, you've got my ballpoint pen, don't you!" S - "Oh, this? Didn't realize it was yours." B - "It was a present from my girlfriend..." S - "Are you implyin' that you want me to return it?" B - "It brings good fortune to those who posses it As a matter of fact, *my* work has steadily been increasin'..." S - "Don't do it, man. There's no turnin' back once you head down the spiritual path." B - "Hey! Was just thinkin' it'd be nice if *you* started hittin' it big too... good things're supposed to happen if you pass it on to somebody else. S - "Hmm... is that how it works..." B - "You don't seem so skeptical all of a sudden!" S - "Nah, not like I believe that crap. B - "Who've you got in mind?" S - "It'd piss me off if a comedian I gave it to became successful." B - "What'd be wrong with that!?" S - "Guess I'll give it to a senior at my part-time job. Well, I say 'senior' but he's actually way younger than me. B - "So, you don't care if *that* guy gets lucky?" S - "Nah, no skin off my nose. He's just a harmless idol fanboy."