On My Mind (Binge Eating Disorder) | ElysianSoul

On My Mind is the first song I've written solely about binge eating disorder. It depicts the all or nothing nature of the disorder, in how the sufferer uses food as a way to feel better and find temporary relief, based on the absolute assumption that come morning, they will be 'good' and be able to restrict; the eat now, starve tomorrow mentality.
I really wanted to make the song as realistic as possible, so I used audio clips from a KZbin video featuring an artist called KeikoCupcake, titled 'This Isn't a Mukbang, It's a 3000 Calorie BINGE' (this video is no longer available on KZbin), which I felt contained such a real and raw depiction of what it feels like to be in the midst of a binge, and what it's like to live with the disorder.
Instagram: @elysiansoulmusic
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PLEASE NOTE: With my music, I aim to reflect the hidden inner struggles of psychological disorders by externalising the internal. Please use caution if you feel you are easily provoked, and please always take care of yourself.
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Lyrics:
It's always on my mind.
(KeikoCupcake)
And I was like, so proud of myself,
'Cause I was like, this is working,
Everything I'm doing is working,
And I'm making the right progress...
And I was like, so proud of myself...
And now I feel like a big failure.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like
To wake up, and not ever have to think about food...
It's just, constantly...
It's always on my mind.
It's always on my mind.
(ElysianSoul)
Take me in,
Give me one last time, to indulge and sin.
Take me in,
And in the morning I will start,
All over again.
Take me in,
Give me one last high, before restriction begins.
Take me in,
And then I promise to be good, from now on, and then,
I'll be thin,
But for tonight, you and me,
We'll take everything.
So take me in,
For some twisted demon,
Living under my skin.
(KeikoCupcake)
I really feel like, I should punish myself tomorrow,
For doing this tonight.
I shouldn't eat anything,
And I should just, drink water,
And exercise for hours.
You do so good,
And then like, you stumble,
And then you just feel like,
A giant failure.
I'll be better tomorrow,
It's always on my mind.
(ElysianSoul)
Take me in,
Give me one last night, to ease my suffering.
Take me in,
And then I promise to be good, from now on and then,
I'll be thin,
But for tonight, you and me,
We'll take everything.
So take me in,
For some twisted demon,
Living under my skin.
'Cause it's always on my mind,
And it's always in my head,
Can't stop thinking about food,
Thinking what I'm gonna get.
Thinking when I'm gonna eat it,
And make sure that I'm alone,
Gotta swallow all these feelings,
And tomorrow I'll atone.
I don't know, what I'm doing,
I'm so out of control,
Cover up the evidence,
They'll never know.
Punish me tomorrow,
For what happens tonight,
Give me one last meal,
And I'll be alright.
(KeikoCupcake)
I have to accept,
The times that I stumble,
And it's only a failure
If I give up.
(ElysianSoul)
'Cause it's always on my mind,
And it's always in my head,
Can't stop thinking about food,
Thinking what I'm gonna get.
Thinking when I'm gonna eat it,
And make sure that I'm alone,
Gotta swallow all these feelings,
And tomorrow I'll atone.
I don't know, what I'm doing,
I'm so out of control,
Cover up the evidence,
They'll never know.
So punish me tomorrow,
For what happens tonight,
Give me one last meal,
And I'll be alright.

[@liiviatan]

FINALLY! SOMEBODY FINALLY MADE A SONG ABOUT BED, NOT ONLY ANOREXIA

[@soggypastaaa2172]

Anyway IKR

[@maidaya.a]

Honestly!!

[@ohwowlovely]

yeah i keep coming back here cause that's the only song for BED

[@kyliemcgee2398]

Yes! And this is extremely important to talk about because I feel like no one takes binge eating seriously. It's not talked about as much as anorexia and bulimia and it makes it extremely hard to get help.

[@maidaya.a]

@@kyliemcgee2398 💯

[@TheAutomaticelagence]

My life is one binge to the next. Stuck in a constant cycle of binging, sleeping and feeling like a failure. I eat and as I walk to the cupboards I'm screaming. It's a ritual for me. Walking back and forward to the kitchen. It's always "one last time"

[@justtamara1278]

Honestly samee I once finished a whole box of lucky charms in one sitting on top of three donuts, some saltines, nachos with cheese, a large pizza and dominos cookies. I literally couldnt move afterwards and thought my stomach was gonna explode snce I had been fasting for like 3 days beforehand it was horrible and it wasnt even the fact thag I was hungry cuz one large pizza is already huge and for one person to finish it is akready a lot

[@tiauna5320]

@@justtamara1278 same

[@Coleslaw-wj1qw]

This is too relatable, just one more cookie but eventually the jar is empty

[@MFC343]

same

[@holly1959]

People should remember, food, whether its under or overeating, is a coping mechanism. And both are dangerous. 💞

[@ayeshafatima165]

:)

[@holly1959]

It sucks that no one takes binge eating seriously. Its dangerous as anorexia and other EDs! Thank you for making this! 💞

[@Orangensaft420]

So relatable... I’m in a binge cycle rn and I can’t stop. I just give in every single day once again.

[@Leansophfit]

Same

[@Aceofdiamonds22]

I understand. Im on a binge purge cycle. I binge and purge and then i do it all through out day and its actually painful but i cant stop..

[@ZWood-if4lk]

Me too...I feel so hopeless

[@justtamara1278]

Yep restrictng and losing a bunch of weight then binging and gaining all right back check👌🏻 And there r so many stick thin girls who dont even have to try I’m so jelous cuz I try so hard but I still look like this

[@tiauna5320]

frrr

[@catiejohnson6687]

I have anorexia and bulimia (you don't have to believe me) but my life is hell, within 20 minutes of waking up I've already gone through 12 conversations in my head of wether I should eat. The voice in my head is driving me insane

[@well3251]

Catie Johnson frl it’s always there it’s scary because before I found this song I wrote in my calorie notes that next time there will consequences

[@hannah_that_alto4752]

I'm literally having that conversation with my brain now

[@jeanetteschetrom3669]

Finally, someone who gets it. I have the same thing, and no one ever believes that you can have both hells at the same time

[@d3pr1einhorn62]

The part „I’m really proud of myself“ is sooo relatable

[@allyashc2436]

I have ED but not BED and this really helped me understand the other side

[@sprinklesharkie]

Allyson Castronovo same ^ very helpful song really

[@MatthewC33199]

Same here, I didn't even realize that some people with BED/bulimia restrict

[@maidaya.a]

I'm glad you understand :) BED like any other ED is rly destructive :( ...

[@spaceneedle5142]

@@maidaya.a They're all so terrible, but there are many similar thought patterns in each.

[@justtamara1278]

Yeah but thats the only time I can have a break from reality

[@mandilynnhowland316]

you know its sad when you have to pause a 3 minute video because of the emotional reaction your having. all because of how much it relates to you. but then there is that other voice saying that your fat and you shouldn't ever eat because your 'huge'.

[@rae-rae8005]

I can’t tell you how many times I began crying first heading this... I’m currently on a semi-diet rn and I was literally listening to this almost everyday and night... almost like an emotional torture to FORCE myself to not eat a lot that day or the next. And trust me, in a day, I can eat a LOT... I always fear one day I’ll become anorexic because I want to become skinny and healthy and more “beautiful”. This song is great but it hurt because of how much it hit my own feelings...

[@oddbunny3653]

Amazing work as always and, even though I suffer from bulimia instead of BED, relatable as hell.

[@solukulelegirl]

@@TibbersandTvStatc I have bulimia and It actually takes restriction too

[@lev1555]

This song has been made for me, right ? Right the day after the biggest binge I've ever made, that happenned just after a day I restricted and felt so well

[@tiana1420]

cheers to my people relapsing rn. here we go again.

[@tiauna5320]

here we go

[@clyna4178]

here we go again 🥲

[@taylorzuno5538]

Years ago we were actually online “buddies” lol. And you showed me you’re music and I’ve always loved it. I always used a fake name and I don’t remember which one I used them 😪

[@queenofeverything3511]

Woah 😳

[@vickey7879]

This song is amazing! It describes binge eating disorder very well and says it all. Thank you for all your songs,they really help!

[@ohwowlovely]

i was here a year ago when u uploaded this song. still have BED, still gaining weight and still can't even purge.

[@tiauna5320]

nah but fr

[@ohwowlovely]

@@tiauna5320 hope we won't be at my 600 lb life someday lol

[@Marinameyers05]

I feel so low again. And honestly this relapse chose the wrong timing 🥺😭

[@tiauna5320]

RIGHT especially summer is in 4 weeks

[@Marinameyers05]

I’m so over this. I’m literally dancing crying and hunching my back at the same time because my stomach might just explode. Funny because I’m the healthy, smart friend. Out how ironic I am!

[@tiauna5320]

fr

[@eyocentipede13]

i feel you :/ i really hope you're doing better tho

[@ZWood-if4lk]

BED is horrible...I have been dealing with it for only a year and ever since I started trying to be healthier it seems like I can only be less healthy. I don't want to live like this anymore... It really destroys me, I just came back from a binge, and I hate it but I don't know how to stop 🍬😭😵

[@catslover1218]

I feel you 😔

[@yoel999aym]

Finally when i was looking for some new good music

[@Stitchthecat4]

Agreed!

[@DreyNova]

I have bulimia and I cried listening to this. I know it's about BED but us bulimics only have one other song too, Pull Me Under.

[@luciamichalkova5458]

Its me...im crying...

[@AlleyIsNotFamous]

I grew up being told i was too skinny, I developed BED trying to gain weight. but all the weight I gained went straight to my stomach. Then I was too fat, but my compulsive binging was so strong. Then I developed bulimia, I couldn't stop binging so I started purging. I haven't purged in 2 years (except when my body just forces food up on my bad days) I am healing

[@victor-zi7bu]

I’m glad you’re doing better!

[@elliebee7998]

“I shouldn’t have ate that… I should just drink water” IS SO REALL

[@aliasdirect882]

I always feel like anas whispering into my ear every time I hear your songs. Understanding it’s her has kept me falling many times

[@Leansophfit]

This is defo my binge part of my ed and my restricted part to omg.

[@skashax777x]

Love the song and it’s way too relatable 🙊

[@Stitchthecat4]

I really enjoy how you are branching out to other eating disorders! It captures the viewpoints and daily voices a sufferer has! Can you make an Orthorexia song next please?

[@chantaldoornbosch2244]

Feels so relatable...

[@Marinameyers05]

I come here whenever I feel horrible again. You are the only ones who understand 🥺

[@matthews8927]

Yay you uploaded again, I love your music. It’s really relatable.

[@well3251]

I relate to this so much I lost weight then I gained because of three binges

[@chaelipollard8740]

Man at this point, I dont even eat to get energy, or eat cause of feelings, I'm just eating.

[@holly1959]

This explains it perfectly! 💞💞💞 also, to anyone reading this, you can recover! 💞💞💞

[@lilyd3483]

When ur binging and this comes up on you recommended So far today ive had a yogurt a salad some pickles 2 cheese sticks and chips its 2:58 pm Edit: today ive had a bagel,chips,oreos,cheese stick,peanut butter and jelly sandwich,2 hot dogs,fries help...

[@FlashBangBANGz]

How are you now?

[@leannajackson2721]

I'm so excited you uploaded again!! I was just hoping for more music.

[@carments9140]

Thank you for this song. I had binge eating disorder and with work and help I stop it for some months but I have fall again, this is just what I needed to not feel so alone in this🖤

[@Loveazzy]

this is an interesting new concep to ur music i really like it

[@borealissystem5916]

I'm sorry but how is this a new consept because it's based off an Eating disorder

[@Loveazzy]

@@borealissystem5916 bc most of her music is about anorexia and bulimia this is the first time she talks about binge eating

[@borealissystem5916]

@@Loveazzy Oh! Okay I understand now

[@sprinklesharkie]

IM SO SHOOK IVE BEEN WAITING SO LONGGGG YES

[@rosevampire3755]

Suffered from BED for about 11 years. One day I snapped and stopped eating at all, lost 60lbs in under six months. Now I’m trying to eat more but it’s so hard to not eat everything.

[@xxx-ly7jf]

Rose Vampire How did you did that? Im tired of BED it taking over my life :(

[@fleurboisvert8816]

@@xxx-ly7jf It's not better, it''s just another manifestation of ED. Trust me I know it's hard but the only real way out is to stop trying to retrict.

[@96Dreamdancer]

Wow... this really hits home. Just... wow. I’ve been following you and listening to/admiring your music for a while now. Don’t know why I found this just now. “I don’t know what I’m doing, so out of control“ truer words have never been spoken. Love it!

[@valentinarunko67]

Weirdly enough, listening to this actually helped me not binge just now... Thank you!

[@sourmind2133]

Me: omg that’s me Also me: I don’t have an eating disorder Me: ugh I’m such a failure for having this type of disorder Also me: wOt I don’t have ED

[@lonelygirl1032]

This is so relatable and I'm so excited that you're making videos again!

[@gayhem9120]

this song is so relatable

[@gayhem9120]

i have mixture of anorexia/bed/bulimia- not sure what i have anymore

[@Jade0603]

@@gayhem9120 That’s okay, when I have a healthy BMI I’m diagnosed with Bulimia. When I have an underweight BMI I’m diagnosed with Anorexia Binge/Purge subtype. Don’t know what to identify with anymore.

[@mysticmoon1262]

Wow. I love your songs. It gives such a personal insight on these dangerous illnesses and I really love that. Great job.

[@lauraleemoderndaysamaritan4137]

this is brilliant! I am 61 years old and am again battling an eating disorder that began when I was a young child...I was an abused little girl and used food to numb out, then drugs and booze, sex, anything to numb out...thank you so very much for your amazing talent. I do a radio show and would love to use this song and speak on this topic. how do I reach you? Would you allow me to use this song?

[@elysiansoul]

Hi Laura, thanks for your lovely comment, I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. It's absolutely fine if you'd like to use any of my songs to bring light to these topics. Please contact me via my email address - [e-mail] - or by DM on my Instagram - @elysiansoulmusic - thank you! :)

[@skycravings2261]

Love this song!! Im sure im gonna listen to it all the time

[@Stitchthecat4]

Me too!

[@espiritukon4294]

YEs "c. Its beauty that you talk and sing about it, with this naturally,Thank you

[@scarly9674]

fucking hell I’ve never related to anything so badly

[@ProteinAndMetal-jb6ib]

I've been looking for a BED song for so long! And this one captures it perfectly!

[@justtamara1278]

Whenever I go to eat theres a constant conflict in my head and its so exhausting and after restricting very good i give in and eat everything I see until i feel sick. Its horrible and no body knows cuz i’m a healthy weight. It had been going on for years on and off but this time it’s at its worst. Food is the only thing I think about and I cant concentrate on anything else. Everyday is hell and I’m in the verge of killing myself at this point. I just want peace but I can’t escape from my mind so I feel like I just just give up. I’m tired and I can’t keep going anymore. Anyways I just wanted to vent and tell someone.

[@kinggodbeats5971]

How are u now?

[@justtamara1278]

@@kinggodbeats5971 Hi, thank you for asking! I’m on anti depressants and doing much better depression wise. When it comes to my ed tho although I am doing better its still a challenge and I have to actively stop myself when I see the patterns starting again which I think is the hardest part. And I should mention I still count my cals lol so not like completely recovered but I do eat a healthy amount and I’m trying to stop the cal counting as well so its a journey but yeah def much better than how I was doing then. Def not like amazing but at least I dont wanna kms at every inconvenience lol so thats nice. Wbu are u doing ok?

[@zoemsc2949]

I hate it I hate myself I just wanna have a normal relationship with food and enjoy my meals with family/friends without always thinking about it...

[@FlashBangBANGz]

Damn this is relatable. I have a problem with boredom eating. My mind will just shut down, I won't think much and I won't feel much. All I'll want to do in that moment is eat. Also, peanuts and peanut butter will be the death of me. It's more addicting to me than chocolate.

[@Marinameyers05]

Damn listening to this while binging,fun

[@silverspice5107]

Your voice is really fit for music, I can't keep shut about it any longer. Espacially this.. Type you do, I don't know what to call it and honestly, I'm afraid to give it a name. I am so thankful that you made it. Of course this work but, that's not my point. That whatever eating disorder you had, didn't lead you somewhere never to return. I'm a good writer, just not song writer. You can explain things in such a intimidating, manipulitive way.. Which eating disorders are. Even though I've never suffered from BED myself, I think you can explain it very well. I want you to know I'm glad you're here, and that I with many others, adore your music. It could be for good, could be for bad. I used to listen to your music when I was sick I admit that. But when I now know better I don't do it to inspire me. But to remind myself how truly horrible it was. And that I'll never fall for that lie again. Regards, a big fan

[@babybaby6a6y]

this is so good wtff

[@Marinameyers05]

Shit I did it again.

[@totallynotanfbiagent8132]

YESSS. I LOVE THIS.

[@noaverner]

Amazing. Here again for relaxation because i have just binged after a long time i havent 😊❤️Good luck to all of us with ED

[@karmienp6768]

I cant stop eating and then I realize my stomach is growing to much I feel so embarrassed and disgusted by my stomach then I try and cut of food for a bit but I fail every time

[@Dorialovee]

I LOVE THIS

[@justchillinkillin1931]

I love this! It's so relatable, your music really helps, so thank you!

[@misoginainternalizadaopres7131]

Relatable as hell

[@rae-rae8005]

I have had a bad relationship with food for years... Because of loneliness, I didn't have many to turn to for my problems and I didn't want to be a bother by pouring the problems I had with my family, other friends, and people on my friends who hadn't had their lives screwed up yet... So I turned to food. Every time I was even a little hungry I ate something. And I should've exercised but since quitting gymnastics I let myself go. I began turning to eating to drown out the sadness I felt in my life and now I'm at almost 200 lbs at 16... My mother and I are finally trying something to help us both, Keto I believe. And already I've lost a few pounds. But then I feel like shit when I Lose pounds only to gain some back... I often hate my body and hate that I don't get positive comments on my looks, that It's hard to fit in my clothes. Everything felt like a hassel. And instead of finding a better cope. I stuck to music and eating... I'm finally starting to get a bit better but I still hate my body because it doesn't LOOK like I've done any better. I'm now working out more and eating better. I'm hoping I reach my goal. I want to be healthy but also look better and lose the damn marks this habit of mine left behind... I hope I can do this

[@allisonl6390]

I am anorexic so this is really interesting and different to me...

[@marija03]

2:25 Im hearing myself .. tired of punishing myself

[@katelynseiple5995]

Thank you so much for doing this song

[@bearsneezer1929]

The worse mixture is anorexia and binge eating

[@hollycox164]

I’m always thinking of food. “Food food food” it’s horrible. I’m happy, I want to eat. sad, I want to eat. It’s crazy. I just want to eat and j never feel full

[@joloima5]

FINNALLLYYY

[@vanessadiaz729]

I always want to binge when on my periodd.

[@AliaAlkahly]

Thats normal

[@yangoiting]

for me its like: I try lose weight slowly and healthy trying to eat 1300-1550calories but then randomly i start overeating even if i dont have strong cravings and i just want to lose some weight and get a femmine body and not a stupid rectangle inverted triangle or whatever and i eat and then i keep eating even if am stuffed

[@demileighivison5929]

I have Ednos.... its so tiring because its never one its always long periods of ana one week mia a next then im binging which just leads back to ana.... (only using ana and mia as a term to save myself time typing)

[@khloemichael2634]

Anyone else relating this to your bulimia??

[@ohwowlovely]

I'm Crying

[@MamaPo.SkyCoTL]

I’m so fat and I can’t stop eating and I feel like I’m out of control and I hate myself and it feels like it’ll never stop

[@zigzagintrusion]

You’ll get through this!! I believe in you :)

[@BridgeToNowhere-ni8bm]

Yaaaay new song

[@hollis7584]

YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!

[@sheepkickster2732]

Oh! New music, yes!

[@joenunya7140]

omg i clicked so fast im so happy

[@regi7791]

My song

[@sem2709]

This is too relatable 😓

[@madisonwheeler1372]

Ana says don't eat that banana Betty says go ahead and feel Havana and Bex says oh shove it down your hole (I just made this up also Ana is Anorexia Betty is B.E.D and Bex is Bulimia) (I have had B.E.D before)

[@fuckoff4060]

Im literally 13 and 180 pounds im gonna off myself lmao

[@Manda1981]

Please don't do that 🙁. You'r so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. So many great things ahead. I know it may not feel like it some times but life will really get better. We just have to have hope. We can over come our obstacles. Take care of yourself ☺

[@ADevilFromHeaven]

as a bulimic i relate to this too

[@natbee3747]

I hate being on a fucking binge cycle even if I take weight loss pills , purge , take diuretics , etc I feel like trash

[@iriscorreia9005]

Wow,incredible

[@elenaa.998]

I'm so scared...

[@destrose4482]

Soo i dont kinw if i have ed because i not gonna self diagnose myself but for a while i have been just ether bingeing throwing up after or just seeing how far i can go with out eating one day and if i fell i throw up

[@unknownprince4819]

why you show up exactly one month later, i was looking for some A&M some days ago

[@utsukushideshi8322]

Esta canción me hace sentir enferma :( but i like that

[@mwyrta6331]

now i feel like a big failure

[@unknownprince4819]

upload this song to google music ima buy it

[@allisonl6390]

I'm anorexic but I still love this song

[@Harajukubarbie333]

I used to have BED when I was younger because everyone made fun of me for being skinny

[@ohwowlovely]

binge eating disorder sucks.

[@leenwowowow]

Me listening to this and feeling guilty...

[@larkhaven1582]

damn

[@bj.025]

Binge eating - out of control Bulimia - sometimes control, sometimes out of control Anorexia - control