Partner Expectations | What You NEED and What You WANT

Kim Eng shares that there is nothing wrong with expectations, but we should not become overly attached to them. Instead, we need to inquire into the source of those expectations to determine whether they are healthy and reasonable, or if they arise from the unconsciousness of the pain-body.
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Eckhart Tolle is widely recognized as one of the most original and inspiring spiritual teachers of our time. He travels and teaches throughout the world.
Eckhart is not aligned with any particular religion or tradition, but excludes none. His profound yet simple and practical teachings have helped thousands of people find inner peace, healing and greater fulfillment in their lives. At the core of his teachings lies the transformation of individual and collective human consciousness - a global spiritual awakening.
Eckhart Tolle is the author of The Power of Now, a #1 New York Times Bestseller, which has been translated into 32 languages and become one of the most influential spiritual books of our time.
In his most recent book, A New Earth, he shows how transcending our ego-based state of consciousness is not only essential to personal happiness, but also the key to ending conflict and suffering throughout the world.

[@oanaalexia]

This girl is brave and I think this conversation was not only beneficial to her, but the whole audience.

[@sabrinax4575]

Oana Puha yes!

[@tasha6851]

So very well said ❤️

[@Fendora]

maybe so, however maybe when she looks back on it like us here, she might get the message as an outsider. Sometimes we need to put ourselves in third person perspective. We need to step back and see our own mistake from the audience's eye. It can make her come to a more thorough understanding and she can also replay it and take the clip in bits so she can digest it. I hope she does anyway. She seems like a caring woman who will take whatever scraps she can. She probably had a very neglecting upbringing and so neglect is something that feels "normal" I don't know. But I do feel for her. Sweet soul who patiently waits for some selfish jerk. I hope she finds a real man to love her how she needs, but she first has to learn how she HAS to be loved.

[@EclipseChileByQuechuaToursComb]

KatLin Amapola

[@Monica-kf6dt]

Yes, it was to me.

[@everope]

This is a good example of unnecessarily over-spiritualizing things

[@lenakunzx]

Exactly

[@nandamaharjan2985]

Couldn’t agree more because I tend to do that a lot

[@bonniebuckner3399]

Yesssss

[@bonniebuckner3399]

Mistaking red flags for personal development issues. Internalizing problems that other people are raising up as reasons to expand spiritually as if their actions are your fault!

[@helenlingard7790]

Over thinking instead of just Loving yourself, Lack of boundaries.

[@cambridgebreaths3581]

Eckhart has a badass partner. God bless them both.

[@thehorsebackheroine5950]

Is Kim his partner then? I didn't realise.

[@Misslotusification]

@@agnieszkag.5170 Hahahaha! I love that 'without using a mobile' thingy. For what ET said, it was his book calling him to write it (or the Universe wanting to channel The Book through Him) in America, and the rest was following with presence.

[@shanekasunich9756]

I love her better then him.

[@univuniveral9713]

God should bless everyone. Again you discriminate against those that are celibate or whose partners are not badass.

[@kenzie9501]

@@agnieszkag.5170 That is really cool :)

[@simonsays525]

The wisdom here is not about expectations with her partner. The wisdom here is valuing yourself enough to choose a partner that WANTS to spend time with you. I hope she leaves him and finds someone that loves her because she

[@cameleonfleuri]

Well said, really! ♡

[@TenTenJ]

You can not even choose a partner who will want to spend time with you, that is not a thing. You choose to be with yourself, and everyone does or doesn’t fall into place? Get?

[@ngreat4390]

She doesn't need to leave. Leaving isn't always the solution except there's abuse. Sit still and get the time and care you need from the Spirit of God within you. Then ASK to spend time with your partner... And as you observe, you give thanks and affirm that you're both spending more and more time together and soon enough, that is going to be your experience.

[@SoulfulDMD]

@@ngreat4390 yes awareness- who we truly are is whole and complete. It’s fulfilled, its love, it’s joy, it’s happiness and it’s satisfied . Then you express share and celebrate that happiness joy fulfillment and love with another which is then reflected back to you in an intimate partnership. If you need or want more time with a partner to make us happy, chances are you are looking to find happiness or love in it rather than sharing what you already have with it. When you’re whole and complete and remembering who you truly are you don’t seek anything external. Your partner has freedom to be who they are ( which is a reflection of who you are being ). It all goes back to the Self.

[@jamlaw]

@@ngreat4390 I do feel that someone who won't spend more than 2 days with her a month when they know she'd like to see him more, isn't vulnerable with her (won't let her come to his house) and blames it on "her ego" is a manipulative person, so I think in this case it is a good idea for her to leave.

[@goodintentions1302]

Never make someone a priority when to them you are only an option. ~ Maya Angelou

[@imarinoahhamilton2783]

She never said that lol

[@goodintentions1302]

@@imarinoahhamilton2783Then I am wrong. I read that Maya Angelou said it. I actually don't care who said it though. I believe it's good advice.

[@Misslotusification]

Sounds based on exchange, this for that, conditional.

[@goodintentions1302]

@@Misslotusification, Yes. If conditional means I expect you to treat me decent after I've given up weeks of my time to take care of you when you had the sheriff's office call me immediately after your major accident.

[@devonseamoor]

@@imarinoahhamilton2783 No, but that's not the point, see? That quote is exactly spot on, pointing at the nature of the game in this example with this girl.

[@yve5659]

This man is emotionally unavailable. Once she starts valuing herself. She won’t be attracted to men like this. Been there. Done that. Got the t shirt and burned it.

[@Selambehere]

You are funny.😊 And I applaud you on the recognition of your self-worth.👏

[@nnn-pr3vr]

True

[@analezaa6306]

Oh I agree. Been there. Generally a person has been conditioned in childhood to doubt their needs and wants, and you think you're irrational for wanting things. But I appreciate Kim talking down this route with this girl because I even had confusion when going down this spiritual path.

[@GhecikahOo]

Tsvetan Vasilev probably. But he should be with someone with the same needs as him, and let this girl go because she needs something else. If he doesn’t, I think it’s selfish (yes I judge...)

[@sarahfara1539]

@@analezaa6306 I agree. I think on some level I have/had this belief that even simply wanting a loving relationship is being needy and greedy and a "big baby" (and I'm not talking about a relationship where you see each other every day). Because I denied the legitimacy of this need in myself I've been attracted to distant partners or even players who never wanted a relationship to begin with and I've been a lot more understanding of their need for "freedom" than of my own need for connection. In a way, I've always felt like they are more "right" than me and that I am just weak when I am longing for more.

[@SheilaSookram]

This was my take away.. "Relationships feed our soul...so the longer we stay in one that doesn't feed it with the right things, we damage our soul instead of enhance it with good."

[@GreasyBaconMan]

What about family duty’s? Not everyone is in the same place and learning to grow together in order to get to the same direction.

[@chrismccaffrey8256]

The soul cannot be damaged. You are speaking of the emotional body

[@rainbowgirljules]

@@GreasyBaconMan The woman in this video was specifically asking about her partner. Nobody else was involved, so I guess your question here is irrelevant.

[@martianmoongdds]

”You’re not accepting your inner self first.” ”You accept the internal, and then the external will follow.”

[@thegreasybagboy]

Sun•Yoga• Health can you explain further? I’ve never heard the word carnist

[@MikeJackson690]

THIS. It's what ruined my last relationship. I couldn't accept my life and its events. I was never satisfied.

[@minnesota7010]

How do you go bout accepting the internal?

[@MikeJackson690]

@@minnesota7010 By accepting your past, the path your life has taken you, the values you have and being grateful for what you have in the present. And don't worry about the future as it hasn't happened yet 🙂 (All far easier said than done, unfortunately.)

[@Stevie-steel]

@Sun•Yoga• Health ive not heard of carnists. It sounds like the root word for meat or body. Would you describe them as narcissists who are living in automatuc reactions rather than concious presence?

[@JustinL614]

I used to have horrible relationships when I was in my 20's. I'm married now and my wife and I get along great. You have to pick a few things that are very important to you. The rest is give and take. Let the little things slide. This girl should find someone else who wants to spend time with her. She is not in a relationship. A relationship involves two people. She is submitting to someone who does not want any of the same things.

[@Right2Try]

I really admire you, whoever you are, for taking the risk of making your vulnerabilities public. So nice to see the healing in progress! Thankyou!

[@rainbowgirljules]

Oh I love you two, Cameron and Tracey!

[@Right2Try]

@@rainbowgirljules so, how are you doing a couple of years later? Have you found a more fulfilling relationship?

[@rainbowgirljules]

@@Right2Try No, but at least I managed to walk away from a man who was an avoidant, same as the lady did in this video! Thank you for asking. How are you doing?

[@alisonh6128]

Totally understand her question. Quite extreme but when you follow this practice you can sometimes feel you have to accept everything otherwise you fear you’re in your ego... you put your needs aside believing it’s all ego... but actually then you realise you can accept or change things or remove yourself

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

alison h, you look stunning ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ and I will be happy to know you

[@elenamarina9736]

Every girl need a mother or a friend like Kim!!! ❤❤❤

[@Vannyaniclefy]

Totally.

[@Jay-tg1bc]

The questioner asks a profound spiritual question: How do I differentiate between my egoic attachments and the authentic desires of my soul? After being given an example of the confusion, I liked Kim's advice to be present with the quality of energy behind her desire to spend more time with her partner, in order to determine whether it was an insecure "grasping" or an enthusiasm for expansion and deepening of the relationship. Kim made it clear that it would not be selfish of her to move in the direction of the desire of her heart. I think the questioner was brave to reveal the details of the situation that promted the question, because it made her vulnerable to the judgements and assumptions of Kim, the other attendees, and the larger KZbin audience. (Some have commented that the woman was blind to the "obvious" nature of her situation.) Despite the wise advice, I wish Kim had been a bit more sensitive to that vulnerability and done more to acknowledge her courage.

[@michaellidster1389]

Maybe Kim did it with her feelings rather than words

[@alleechance]

It occured to me Kim was fact finding and giving advice when the question was about how to differentiate attachments from expansion. I don't think the original question was expanded upon. I wish Kim had helped her discover for herself

[@devonseamoor]

@@alleechance But isn't fact-finding the road to the discernment of motives? I get the impression that this girl was helped much by Kim. And if she repeats her mistake, after ending this relationship, so what? Until the penny drops, that's how we humans often learn. Freedom of expression.

[@shubhisharma4261]

I agree. Desires sprung from ego spirituality says... the girl wanted to ask whether her desire,needs and wants are egoic or natural coming out of soul. Cz she feels bad when its not met so its her pain body or soul? She wanted to know whether this desire of her is egoic ir soul calling how to differentiate. This is a profound question n i feel like its not answered yet.

[@lissie3669]

yeah her response was kind of mean. like you can give her clarity without humiliating her

[@OfficialJBlair]

Relationships are very hard. Especially if you enter one before waking up and you wake up in it to see it wasn't what you thought it was.

[@ivonaba4]

So true.

[@Nae641]

I would sign this too but actually it isnt hard at all. Being together with somebody who doesnt really is into you, that is hard!

[@sarahfara1539]

76 7 But also staying away from someone you’re really into is really hard, especially if you have felt something of his inner self, even if he is acting from the ego and hurting you. Sometimes it needs a lot of force to stay away.

[@emjaye13]

@@sarahfara1539 Exactly. It isn't easy to stay away once you experienced the connection and feeling like you're betraying yourself for feeling this way doesn't help either. It is a battle between choosing yourself and going along with your dysfunctional childhood programming (higher self vs ego).

[@devonseamoor]

Lol. Doesn't it depend on how you look at it? Instead of finding it hard, relationships, we can look at it from a different angle. Opportunities for growth.

[@meera2531]

This kind of extreme spiritual uprightness can sometimes get us into the worst of pits with toxic/ disordered/ Narcissistic/ Sociopathic partners. Healthy boundaries and some deal breakers are needed. This girl has not been loved unconditionally and not been nurtured lovingly by one or both parents which is why she finds unhealthy relationships familiar and has stuck with that one. The man was clearly manipulating her and pushing her to have no expectations and thereby controlling her, thanks to her version of spirituality. Spirituality is about being at ease with yourself and being with someone if they add genuine value and meaning to your life. Most of us have been there...

[@meera2531]

@glamqueen me too... 🙏🏻💕

[@meera2531]

@SHUBHANKAR SHARMA she might be avoidant/ dismissive style or she could have Narcissistic or other cluster B traits. The idea is that you need to see if the relationship is working for you or causing you grief. If it is adding happiness and peace to your life or taking away from your happiness and peace. Learn about healthy boundaries and healthy self esteem, then you will know very well whether you should continue in a relationship or not. Some relationships can be worked with but some people are unable to change. She might have some attachment issues of her own or she may just be playing games. It's ok I figured we had spoken on the other thread.

[@rmorris1904]

M wise words!!!

[@meera2531]

@@rmorris1904 thank you 🙏🏻❤️

[@elisabethcrokaerts1980]

you are so right, my story too, no unconditional love and finding it familiar to be used and made feel guilty to ask something. thank you.

[@Isagracelove]

The worst betrayal is to betrayal yourself. Put yourself first, always. Listen to your needs and accept them, don’t try to justify and think you are wrong to feel/want something. I learnt this the hard way, but you don’t need to :)

[@SnipetsofTime]

I hope the best this lady. She deserves a man who will give equal attention to her

[@tpstrat14]

She deserves to get back what she gives, you're right.

[@louisemc3680]

I totally get what she means when she says she accepted this 'relationship' as she thought she needed more because of her ego. When you're following a spiritual path, it's easy to feel something is your fault because it's 'your ego' when you are just not loving yourself enough. Hope she really does end it and I'm really impressed with Kim Eng. She's a force in her own right!

[@PassionForOldFashion]

Sounds like this guys was projecting his large ego on her, making her question her intentions, and her self . Classic toxic relationship.

[@kathyannk]

“You are the love you seek. Do not betray yourself for the love of others”. -anon It’s amazing how this phrase fits with so many situations.

[@yippikiyo]

I adore Kim and her ability to talk like you are her best friend.

[@shubha2308]

Beautifully dealt with. Salute to the courage of the questioner girl. Grateful to Kim for excellent guidance.

[@happyliving3934]

Ye definitely not easy to ask personal questions infront of everyone

[@hotgatika]

Well said!

[@loisraymcinnis6006]

He's got her heart; people need to protect their hearts.

[@ErikaK]

When you learn to love yourself, to see yourself whole and complete, you let go of the "I need" and "I want" mindset. Having a partner is to be compassionate, to share experiences together, to enjoy life together but without needing or wanting more from him or her...

[@Selambehere]

That might be the case, when one is fully awake, if there is such a thing ...but I don't want to speculate further on that. I don't know what I don't know. What I know is most of us who aren't enlightend yet do have human needs and we need to first accept that fact and do what's actually loving to ourselves. That might include finding human beings who can and want to meet our needs. There is nothing loving and caring about accepting a spiritual concept if isn't true for us at this very moment. I'm sorry but I've watched a lot of Spiritual women including me deny themselves in the name of becoming a more enlightend human beings. Since I've discovered acting like an enlightend person won't get me far. Being authentic to myself and accepting where I'm currently at in my journey just might give me peace.

[@jcszot]

Erika K BINGO! well said!

[@happyliving3934]

There is nothing wrong with wanting I think, She wants a partner who cares about her more and that is ok. Believing shes not "suuposed to" want is what got her in this relationship for so long. What do you think about this? Would love to hear

[@lauraangela41]

I don't understand the 'no expectations' thing, can somebody explain this to me? So it's not all right to expect your partner to be loyal, honest, respectful and open with you, because you can't have expectations? That doesn't sound healthy to me.

[@happyliving3934]

@@lauraangela41 There is no right or wrong in this world, sometimes people create rules even in spirituality where its unhelpful. It is about what makes you happy, what causes suffering:) so to me, Its ok to want those things from your partner; why wouldnt you? If you stay in an abusive relationship you are abusing yourself. But that is different from expecting, wanting is different from expecting, expecting is placing an image of perfection and wanting others to measure up to it, and we judge them if they dont. We also have to be reasonable - people can only be as kind and calm as their levels of awareness Allow them to. So with this said, for me I asj myself what I want and act accordingly, So if I am treated Unkindly by someone and I am aware, I dont judge , but I wont be his friend either. I had a friend who talked to me unkindly, I told him that if he will do that again I wont speak to him - since then he understood what I said and we talk to each other with much more respect and fun. Bounadries are important in my book. What do you think?

[@carlacorsini7766]

The questioner here is much wiser than kim gives her credit for. Because the questioner has practiced unconditional love and acceptance/ forgiveness of the situation, this is why she has a youthful happy glow about her. She will learn the lessons of love beautifully... things are not always as they appear ❤️

[@LouiseMannigel]

Wow, very well said!!

[@Chromebiscuit]

Wanting to invest more than 2 days a month into a committed relationship is not egocentric....I think this guy has gaslighting her because she truly actually believed it was her ego

[@kellyn3347]

Agreed!

[@contr4dixion]

I'm guessing he might totally be using her spirituality to gaslight her. She seem to innocent, and in love. She just believed him... She needs to believe in herself...

[@brigidrohde4874]

What is gaslighting?

[@vajolinda]

@@brigidrohde4874 it's a form of manipulation in which the abuser makes the victim question her own reality. spiritually inclined people with a low sense of self worth can be especially prone to becoming a victim of such psychological abuse because they are already questioning themselves and their sense of reality anyways.

[@antje8303]

My instant thought as well. Glad to see that other people recognize manipulators too ! Also it shows we learned our lesson.

[@Selambehere]

Thank you Kim! for talking some sense into a lot of spiritual human beings, who are denying ourselves in the name of getting rid of our "ego-wants". I hope a great deal amount of us will get the message.

[@andreaporpiglia9711]

so so true. I´ve read this some years after this video, but it seems so real to me, THANK YOU

[@aynuryldrm]

Strong women build each other 💪🏻❤️ 10 minutes of eyes-opening conversation. May the young woman finds a man who appreciates every single moment with her 🍀❤️

[@LeapingFrogg]

On a spiritual level, we attract people who are mirrors of ourselves for the purpose of learning and growing. He clearly has insecurities and low self-esteem as well otherwise he would be emotionally available. He's using excuses to not be more present in this relationship and she's using excuses to justify that it's OK to stay with him. This was a wake-up call for her to learn to love and respect herself. As she changes within, her outer relationships will also change and reflect her new self.

[@omiochc3731]

To the lady : I think you’re very brave to speak up this situation, and I can see the power inside of you. Just keep going with this bravery, you’ve done well! Wish you all the best.

[@emeryjayne]

I’m glad to see a video like this. Showing that you can have too much of anything, including spirituality. I went through a phase like this too, believing that it meant I had to be “above it all”, and “do it right”, so to speak. Now I see what matters most is being healthy, in mind, body and spirit. Self love and acceptance is a huge part of that. Embracing that we are human beings with human needs.

[@meera2531]

Extremely true... This extreme spiritual uprightness can sometimes get us into the worst of pits with toxic/ disordered/ Narcissistic/ Sociopathic partners. Healthy boundaries and some deal breakers are needed. This girl has not been loved unconditionally and not nurtured well by one or both parents.

[@nozomikoji1533]

@@meera2531 Always the same origins...childhood. This world needs people who love themselves enough before having childs...

[@meera2531]

@@nozomikoji1533 True...but in a way human life is not meant to be ideal. Bad parents are meant to exist to allow their children's souls to have the challenges they need growing up to evolve in the ways they need to or have chosen to.

[@nozomikoji1533]

@@meera2531 Yeah I understand that.We muscle our souls through the expirementation of the life. But, if we admit that a child who born in a family with no love for exemple, must to learn to love himself for survive, like a positive fatality, I wonder why to not born immediatelly in a family full of love and be able to love itself is not the normal existence in humanity.

[@devonseamoor]

@@nozomikoji1533 Can you imagine that patterns are created through lifetime after lifetime too? For myself, I've found traces of my present patterns going back before my birth in this present body. Way back. We choose the parents that help us to remember those patterns. No victimhood is ever ordained by an external power. We're the judge within.

[@Amandaslifein538]

Omg I cannot believe that ppl can accept that kind of situation as ‘normal’. How blind can we be sometimes? Wow

[@Lisa_M_V]

Mimis well clearly she’s bonded as she slept had sex with him. This is exactly why most women should hold off till they know a guys intentions. Women bond after sex. Men don’t.

[@sarahfara1539]

Lisa Marie Happened to me too, unfortunately. It’s really hard to get it into your head that after sharing many moments you feel all sorts of things and the other person can feel nothing at all. That it has no effect on them :(

[@anemon2232]

What is beautiful here is, that they clear up such obvious but serious problem for her. And now she can move forward. I mein how many time are we confused about something in life but just can't see it. When you can't see it you need others to show you. I'm so happy seeing people helping each others like this. Like a big familiy :)

[@rainbowgirljules]

@Anemon Thank you, too.

[@disfahani7821]

Excellent, this is a good example of “spiritual bypassing”

[@Chuck_N0rris]

I needed this. It is weird how the videos seem to pop up when im thinking about a particular topic. KZbin knows more about me than I know about myself..

[@theprocess7222]

I Love the supportive feminine voice Kim brings to these teachings. Thank you Kim for reassuring all of us that honouring our inner needs is not egoic, but resisting them and dismissing them is. To honour our needs can carry us beyond them. ❤️🙏🏽

[@LibbyAnn026]

Idk how I just discovered Kim Eng but I’m falling in love with her already. Spiritual teachers who lovingly hold your feet to the fire are such a blessing in this world.

[@zuliasoul872]

Good on her! Wherever she is, i hope she is happy and her needs are met 💪🏽

[@skielahjayne2659]

Poor girl. She’s wasting her time with this man. He’s not interested in her

[@lilystarr226]

To me, that time was not wasted because she learned a huge lesson. Had she had not had the relationship, she wouldn't have learned

[@pl7808]

@@lilystarr226 painful but true.

[@siobhanmulvey]

Skielah Jayne yeah. It’s no good. Time for her to just step away.

[@therealempress5707]

Our society is very disconnected....when we get a small unhealthy piece we want to keep it....she can meet plenty more men.

[@BrianaBorten]

@@lilystarr226 exactly there are no mistakes and we never get it wrong. Every action no matter how wrong it seems in the moment puts you firmly on your path towards creating the next great thing in your life.

[@musicresearch4383]

I think that despite everything, this woman has found the courage to formulate that question in front of many unknown people, she has put herself in a nice situation where another woman/human being was there to genuinely help, she has found a way to help herself, so she is not "poor her". She is going to be better. And she seems very sweet.

[@carlottaventi9556]

She explains it perfectly. First listen to to your inner true self.

[@ms7HD]

It's nothing about him here , whole thing is about how she is with him in relationship . Think about it in very simple way : If you feel good in your own skin and enjoy expressing yourself and being creative and having fun and being excited and appreciating life and what you have and striving for your dreams how can honestly that relationship be problem ? Why would you stay with someone who ignore you and do not appreciate you and ain't fun for you , and even if you do stay still many many options will just come up to you every day cause you enjoy yourself right ? So two limitations she can have : 1. She idealise him thinking that she is good person if she care for him that much so he can finally see her and love her . Therefore she reject and doesn't see all other options around her , cause she try to prove herself to him . ( Pattern from childhood : when mom/dad like what I do they love me and they are source of love ) 2. She isn't happy with him but she feel worthless of someone else because she thinks " if i leave this relationship I may not find love again and I may stay alone , but because I think that being alone is dreadful unhappy I will turn Aloneness into Loneliness and therefore suffer by not being ever loved again " Both problems come from " love is outside there and I need to find it " , that's real cause of all this stuff she and many people talks about , deep seeded belief probably formed in early childhood : Love is outside of me and I need to act in certain way in order to "get" it . But if you have a little sense you will just realize that feeling of love is always happening within you even if you think that cause is outside still feeling itself is happening within , so our whole job is to find button in ourselves where we can activate love and then no relationship is game to win but fun and adventure to play with 🙏

[@swisschocolate2350]

So true. Thank you for posting such amazing words...

[@debraherrera8983]

Young Gerald well said, that really resonates with me.

[@briannacooper2628]

I really appreciate the questioners honesty and bravery. She is making herself vulnerable on a huge scale and it benefits me- Thank you! Many woman (and probably others too) have experienced the projection of ego and deeply questioned themselves, their needs, their wants and needed help to clarify. She is so relatable and I love her for it!

[@AliceE5po5to]

I can feel a relief when she clearly says (maybe to herself) that she has the permission to take care of her needs and desires, that this is also spiritual matter ;) Being happy...

[@jamescadzow9545]

This woman can't be that naive. She really lacks self-esteem and self-worth and self-love. It's completely obvious the guy is screwing around with other women. The fact that he blames it on his spirituality is total b.s. he's probably a spiritual narcassists. I hope that she breaks this toxic cycle and start to focus within.

[@yx-z1038]

Thank you man. 👍😎 That's the real answer that the girl should heard from a man.

[@holographicc6974]

Don’t be fooled. People have EXACTLY the relationship they WANT to have

[@NatAnnSch]

@@holographicc6974 I know a woman who's been with a man for over 20 years! Every year she says they'll be getting married and that she'll be moving out but every year she stays.

[@jamescadzow9545]

@Perspers piri piri What do u think he's doing the other 29 days of the month?? Playing hopscotch..... It really doesn't matter what he's doing it's actually irrelevant his level of MIA shows his complete inability to be authentic and real. People need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and look at their actions. Good luck on your journey

[@shelleyyan4112]

That's a terrible way of describing it. If you've never been with an emotionally available/avoidant partner, you would not know that it's not about your self-esteem or even that they necessarily have other women, a lot of them simply dreads intimacy and are workaholics for instance, and this is painful for ANYONE who's dating them--not only those who have self issues...

[@vershonc]

It’s always great to have a partner than can reciprocate the energy you put out. Thank you Eckhart for inspiring me to make videos and to help the world 🙏🏾💙

[@Daughterofyah789]

2 evenings a month for 2 years and he managed to convince her that her ego wants more LOL Hope his wife recognises her and the pattern of him leaving for 2 evenings a month and leaves him too

[@seriousbutfunny2]

Amen! The question is "What am I getting from this? Why am I here?" Because we always have both the questions and the answers inside of us.

[@knight1782]

i didnt know that kim was tolle's wife! what a beautiful couple i have ever seen!

[@halinawegrzyn3315]

Kim's logic led to a clear conclusion... However, she possibly went too far to push this girl to make this personal decision publicly.

[@daniellerodgers6493]

Yeah that part was cringey. How about communicating her ultimatum to the bf first and letting them decide😂

[@zin82e98]

It was quite obvious he wasn’t good for her and she was accepting a lot less because she believed it was her own fault for wanting something that is actually fair to want and need

[@elisabethcrokaerts1980]

yes that was a no go, it is her privacy and her decision beside there is a whole audience. Sweet girl, happy she realized she needed to take better care of herself.

[@lawiwis882]

Kim has spunk! She’s lovely and very truthful she doesn’t lay it softly or feel pity for the questioner and she’s interested in actually helping her out and hearing her full question.

[@aditiaher7]

Just dump him girl! Everything is fine with you!

[@shubha2308]

Hey, Aditi... Didn't imagine conversing with you here... 😍

[@aditiaher7]

@@shubha2308 Omg! Glad to see you here! 😊😊

[@pl7808]

I agree she needs to dump him, but i also think that she needs to take time and heal the part in her that put up with this behaviour for two years. i speak from experience … until we see in ourself why we attached to this type we are doomed to repeat and repeat until we learn the lesson. Heal ourselves first.

[@ubuntuber1619]

aditi madam, kaise ho? mein doodh wala.

[@tpstrat14]

Really? That's what you take from this? You go and pick sides? I am literally shaking my head as I type this. I hope they part ways amicably and BOTH look for something better.

[@apfelsine1]

this was so important. I don't know how many times in my life I have struggled with these questions. Thank you so much both and for putting it online!

[@siobhanmulvey]

The woman is overthinking this. Yes- she’s justifying his behavior and questioning her own preferences without being able to distinguish between her ego needs be soul preferences. It’s her ego that is rationalizing not being to his place in two years. Her soul is asking her to recognize her own preferences and to honor them and act out of love for herself and her soul preferences. I know what’s it like though to wonder if it’s your ego preference or soul preference then spinning wheels on decision bc afraid if you leave or whatever it’s bc following ego... it’s a circuitous fearful ego hijacked way of “spiritual” thinking vs embodying your soul self and owning your preferences. When you do that you are more easily able to recognize when your ego has hijacked your thoughts.

[@grievingmom]

1:53 "he tells me it's my ego" so I think he planted that thought and got it to grow to this point, making her think she is too demanding....smart move on his part...sounds like a narcissist to me.

[@louisvalentino5110]

I love her answers. I love the question: It's amazing how even spirituality from a partner can be a way to manipulate others. Her partner is very clever. If you don't want to be with a partner, be an renounciate. Leave those who want more than just a relationship with silence alone. Yes, leave him. He never showed up anyhow.

[@jenseialily3421]

Wow you are so brave for sharing this, girl! I hope you read these comments, wherever you are! To openly admit to these things is difficult! You don’t wanna feel wrong or like you’ve made a big mistake, especially in front of a crowd. Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I’m pretty sure that EVERYONE has been in a situation like this, where you’re in denial about the deterioration of the relationship you’re in. I definitely have, and talking about it in hindsight is easy, but while it’s happening? Kudos to you!

[@chinookvalley]

“Never let the sacrifice of others be for nothing by doing nothing.” L.M. Fields

[@moniah9273]

Been there. Luckily I saw through him quickly and moved on. There is a name for these types of men, but it's too crass to write it here. Good move, girl. You deserve so much better!

[@meera2531]

Sociopaths

[@yve5659]

F**k boy. I’ll say it for you

[@ms7HD]

She doesn't obviously we always get what we deserve . So somewhere she got him to reflect her unconscious parts so she can go beyond it , it's good that this happening . Like for Eckhart he had suicide thoughts huge anexity attacks but once he went beyond it , he could only feel gratitude for all of that happening in his life . So there is no bad man and good man nor bad women and good women , is there bad ant and good ant ? No cause nature made all magnificent , maybe he unconscious so what ? If he is unconscious more fuel for her and all of us to evolve in consciousness . Without unconscious people poking your own unconsciousness you wouldn't strive for liberation . So there is no problem at all with all of this , in a moment she see this relationship as higher possibility for her to evolve and become more of herself then such " bad curse man" becomes a blessing . So this goes on and on in world man say women are bad women say man are bad and both try to change the other to feel good , only few who decided " Whatever happens to me is my responsibility , good or bad Holly or evil all is my making " those rise above this duality limitations of good and bad .

[@meera2531]

@@ms7HD Yes I agree... It's not bad and good per se. It was the relationship she needed to understand what are her unhealed parts and that she is attracting unconscious partners due to probably being raised by an unconscious parent or two. Life keeps bringing lessons to us until we fully learn what was is at the root of why we needed those lessons.

[@pl7808]

@@yve5659 can’t assume he was even giving her that…on the two nights a month!!..buh bye,.

[@Hnin11]

Can’t help admiring this lady. Now my inner feels the lack of (feeding) soul but my outer still afraid losing him. Her word “ I need to look after myself first “ hit my heart . Bravo 👏 girl!

[@Ljenn_86]

I love listening to Kim break it down.

[@mparkerdrums]

Brilliant!! Wishing this lady all the best! What a star!

[@DrBeeSpeaks]

Beautiful!!!! The key is always to go within, everything else will follow. ❤️🥰

[@brocolich]

Such a loving guidance and wise girl.

[@Dreamweaver777]

This is lovely Kim. She is both wise and has the ability to speak like a friend. xx

[@universalwildling3566]

“You accept the internal and then the external will follow,”

[@SnipetsofTime]

Poor gal. She is really in love with him. This fella is piping other girls. While she only sees him 2 evenings a month

[@memshin3]

yes and wonder if she is doing something wrong! indeed she is doing wrong to herself. one day she is going to wake up from her self eluding and boy it's going to hurt.

[@JustinL614]

@Anthony Lopez I wouldn't say most lol

[@jageo48]

This story sounds a lot like spiritual bypassing under another guise.

[@sallykalya9023]

Ignacio P Or hes married.She sounds desperate for his love or she doesnt really love herself.

[@SnipetsofTime]

@@sallykalya9023 I was kinda thinking that. I hope her the best. Bless her

[@Uke1111-to8xj]

So powerful! I have just realised after listening to her that I have been bending over and accepting crumbs in my marriage for 13 years. I was just as confused, thinking that it is merely egotistic self that wants more involvement in the relationship. It's better late than never.

[@Bekind79]

Walk away, value yourself he may realize the significance of your absence. She’s a sweetheart

[@rebeccahepson]

I have so much love and compassion for this lady

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Rebecca Hepson,you look gorgeous ❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹🌷🌷🌷and I will be happy ☺️ to know you

[@AngelinaWerner0]

I have a similar situation with my children's father, who we only see about 3 times a year. I'm so glad I watched this video. And still it's difficult to break up because I have this fear of destroying that picture of the "right" kind of family my ego has always wanted and still wants. And now I am under the impression that even my body is trying to tell me that it wants my self to stay away from him, because every time he visits I get a sore throat so that I can't even talk to him. It always happens right on the first day he's with us. And he also doesn't understand what I talk about whenever I mention presence or consciousness. The last time I tried, he began to believe he was enlightened, which I believe cannot be true since he's way too dissatisfied with his own life and not trying to change a thing. I know what I have to do, but it's so hard. I feel like I'm taking from my children the few times per year that they have with their father. I'm pretty certain he won't come as often once he knows he only comes to spend time with children he has no real relationship with. But this video made it pretty clear that I need to accept my own needs first. So thank you very much for sharing it!

[@ellenitaliasrl6430]

my dear never break down your marriage. i was in this same situation until i got a help from SHIMA who finally place my marriage in a better place. you can contact her she will help you.

[@svetlananana9609]

I am also glad you saw the video:)

[@devonseamoor]

@Flourish and Brooks. I recognize your story from listening to a couple of friends of mine, one woman and one man, who experience the same in their own expression of lives. It seems that you've got good insights in where you are with yourself. That's great, but now it comes to make the steps to freedom, which need to be chosen by you, so that you can let go of the shackles. The problem with your throat seems to be a sign that your ex-husband is holding a grip on your freedom of speech. I suggest to visit an energy-healer who is trustworthy and who is neutral enough to guide you in finding wy this has come to pass. I think you're very close to setting yourself free. Your children will be so grateful for your step, for they will have a mother who is genuine and free to love them. They have to deal with their own life-story and find a way, with you as support. There's a great opportunity for you here, to find yourself and your freedom to choose your own path in life, as a mother, a woman, and a sovereign human being. I had a different journey in my life, but with the same issue of stepping in my freedom. Recently I met a man, through my landlord's circle of friends, a psychotherapist, who has shared his problem with me, in a relationship with a woman who once was the loving mother of their children. His 2nd wife, the first went off with another man. Now, this 2nd wife, after the children left home, has turned into a Xantippe. She yells at her husband and finds all sorts of accusations to make him wrong. He endures this for over 10 years now, afraid of losing the house when a confrontation should happen. Some years ago she visited the police after he had urged her to leave his studio when she was extremely furious at him. He gave her a little touch on her back, while she left his room. She took this as domestic violence and reported this to the police. Without any discussion or investigation, the police threw him in a cell for 10 days. Only afterward, when the police began to interview him, it was found how it came to be and he was sent home without further ado. Nothing was done to approach the wife for her action in a mentally disturbed state. For an outsider, this is hilarious to hear of course. The police are famous for impractical policy and inadequacy, in Britain. Even after this incident, all goes on, as usual, the yelling and fury, his tears and questions to her, why she behaves like that. No change, it's all HIS fault, in her eyes. I've met her twice, and she acts like an actress who tries to play her true self. It's very hard not to uncurl one's toes in her company, for she's not herself and yet she needs to hold on to that role desperately. There's almost a demonic energy around her. At any rate, he's beginning to lose his good health, at an age of 83. His immune system is beginning to fail, there are candida and loss of weight, and he's now anxious to follow a strict diet in order to heal himself. Something in him can't see how he's creating his own condition and although he assures me that this needs to come to an end, he can't step out of the loop. I've been quite firm with him in a tough-love manner, for he accepts that. He's quite confrontational himself, not afraid to share his observations. Except with his wife of course. He knows that he's on a slippery slope and even admits that I was spot on when I told him of the risk that he and his wife may enter a time where the drama will be unavoidable. Possibly of such a force that he might fear for his life. Or she. There is a point where endurance snaps and there's no telling what the outcome will be. And so, I suggest to save yourself and cut the Gordian knot yourself. NOW.

[@MrsFurmata]

Flourish and Books may be the sore throat is a sign that you have problem expressing yourself and your needs. Your story sounds familiar. Breaking up always seems to be “the escape” but believe me, it is not always as easy as it seems. know it won’t bring you sudden feeling of relief and fulfilment. Maybe for a few days but that’s a short euphoria that quickly evaporates and the feeling of loss and absence is something u and your children will be challenged with. And after that you start to see what you could have done. Find help. Consult with someone. Try couple therapy. Try to talk to him. Find a way to communicate Maybe he needs help too. Aren’t we supposed to be in good and bad with our loved ones. To help each other through, to grow together. Sometimes crisis is what we need to see something that is right there in front of us or gives us the impulse to make a shift we need and long for. Let breaking up be the last thing u try ❤️

[@kani9284]

@@ellenitaliasrl6430 stop giving toxic advice to vulnerable people. She is NOT in a marriage if she sees him just 3 times a year.

[@joey3rony]

Oh they are both precious! I wish this beautiful and warm hearted girl the best of luck! ❤️

[@MsFi2]

Wow!! What a breakthrough moment. Sometimes we seek validation for what it is we already know deep down. Ip hope she actually chose herself. It is sometimes easier said than done.

[@Maliilse75]

I wish Eckhart and Kim would acknowlege more how important it is to keep healthy boundaries in relationships despite our rise in consciousness. I have stayed in toxic relationships for too long, accepting the unacceptable and questioning my "self" instead of opening my eyes to who was in front of me. Their teachings are incredibly important but they don't have all the answers. Self-protection is sometimes necessary.

[@jaipanesar6027]

Absolutely 🙌🏽

[@GIVLuv41]

Yes❤️💯💕✨🦋 a cycle I was in for nearly 36 years of my life. Under valuing me and overvaluing my relationship. Finding any opportunity to prove my worthiness or that I was lovable. I carried around this huge burden always and wore a huge mask. I desired nothing more than to be seen. Heard. And valued. But was going about it wrong. I was working from the outside. It was my soul and the inside that needed the affirmation and the love. Once I began to work inside and find a way to attach to my soul and detach from emotions and thoughts and understand those are not me. I began to become present and see soul beauty. And soul connection. My detachment from my ego and obsessive desire for enough ness has began a slow descent into awareness. ❤️💕❤️💕 thankful. Breathing and breathing out.

[@laurenc2976]

It is true that the answer is always within ourselves. We often don’t want to face it so make excuses or look to someone else for a different answer like this lady did. She knew she was settling and ignoring her own healthy needs and desires to appease him and HIS wants and desires only. It appeared to me that the relationship was moulded for him and around what he wanted from it so she felt wrong to be questioning her own intuition and what she yearned for herself.

[@Natalia-xc6fc]

“ True surrender doesn’t mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and do nothing about it. Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action” ( the power of now)

[@snezanapiperski5683]

Everyone who have daughters - show this video as one example.

[@pl7808]

and sons..

[@RolandMcGruner]

P L yeah I agree, show the sons as much as the daughters. Stop it closer to the source.

[@pl7808]

@@RolandMcGruner victims of narcissistic abuse can be both male or female..awareness is important for everyone.

[@RolandMcGruner]

@@pl7808 agreed

[@devonseamoor]

More often than not, learning curves need to be lived through and not mentally grasped, to come to an understanding of deep-seated issues within.

[@susanbennett6688]

Very brave of this woman to come forward with this.

[@PowerfulU]

Appreciate the advice that you shared here Kim. I think its really helpful for many people.

[@siobhanmulvey]

Yes. Identifying if coming from ego or soul is key.

[@Asdfbedffhdsxe345]

So much respect for the nice lady for sharing her question...I also love the gentleness and honour in how this issue was solved...so much love

[@reflectionsofself4027]

Very grateful for this slice of consciousness

[@OmniKingBey]

The first minute of this video was straight FACTS you must have zero expectations!!!

[@Honest_review85]

That is an example of ever generalization in spirituality that gets you confused at the end and you end up loosing your mind. That's why you need to be spesific

[@charlesjarman-price3954]

I've never seen any talks with Kim before, what a wonderfully level headed and intelligent woman. More of this please.

[@NoraGermain]

Thought it was slightly strange that Kim called her "man" at the end, but yes. A wonderful video, and Kim is incredible.

[@sunflowerhk100]

I actually found Kim quite judgemental there

[@Empz-wm9rc]

Sadly this type of shady person like her bf LOVE to use ‘spiritually’ to cover treating ppl like garbage. Be careful. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... it’s a duck buddy 👎🏾

[@sarahfara1539]

Agreed... the worst kind of excuse because it really fucks with the mind of the other person.

[@devonseamoor]

@@sarahfara1539 Don't forget, please, that " the other person" wants to be fooled and befuddled. In this kind of game between people, it always takes two to tango. That's where the pushing of our buttons is helpful to begin to know ourselves, where we keep issues hiding in a shady corner. See what I mean?

[@hereandnow5235]

It's not his job to make her happy

[@elisabethcrokaerts1980]

@@devonseamoor true, we first need to heal ourselves so that we don't attract or feel attracted to harmful people like narcs.

[@elisabethcrokaerts1980]

@@hereandnow5235 a minimum of care can be expected in a relationship.

[@kathrinsalcher8184]

This is it! Thank you so much, was transforming for me right now 🙏

[@mmaragann701]

Omg! I just fell in love with the presence of Kim!

[@TheInstantUpgrade]

The more you work on yourself and hold yourself accountable, the less neurotic expectation you place on your partner.

[@Ara328]

Hey can you explain this a bit more?? Thank you!

[@LouiseMannigel]

@@Ara328 I think he means the more you produce the feelings of happiness and contentment inside yourself, the less you require your partner to supply them. (Perhaps this girl would be less dependent on clinging onto this unsatisfactory relationship if she didn’t feel such an inner lack)

[@jcampling1]

I love how Kim digs with her questions. So glad she did with this woman. How many people thought she was probably needy before hearing the circumstances?!

[@Ambrosha385]

Jo Campling she’s still needy. That’s the part that she needs to address. Needing a man even with it being the most unacceptable situation for practically anyone

[@patriciamolliere2230]

I fell in love with Eckhart Tolle and Kim Eng💞

[@Andrew-dg7qm]

I love this. What an unexpected reveal behind a cryptic question

[@bloom4385]

has kim eng ever talked about how it is to be in a relationship with eckhart and if they ever argue? that would be interesting

[@daniellerodgers6493]

Yeah that’s what I’m looking for lol.

[@QuietlyCurious]

She's alluded to them not getting along once in a while, even staying in separate rooms when travelling. At the same time, she's said Eckhart is everything she wished for ❤️

[@dionnedettmer]

I don't think this audience member is weak but incredibly strong for taking Eckhart's teachings to the limit, and exposing that limit. She highlights a gap in Tolle's teachings, as well as her partner's argument, regarding how to guard against spiritual bypassing and address patterns of trauma and abuse that are realities in the world. In the dissolving of ego, where do the nervous system, intuition, and somatic responses belong? Because they too are based on an identification with form should we simply sit and automatically detach from those as well? At what point does disidentification with form above all else become self-irresponsibility, self-harm, and self-deception? For example, is it most spiritual to see how long we can endure something toxic with openness and presence, and then, only when somethings becomes too much or a spiritual teacher gives us permission to, should we act? In our ascension what becomes of the Id and our raw humanness, our boundaries, and our sovereignty? What happened to a middle ground from which we can vacillate between action and non-action, where we can trust that the mind, body, and emotional field have vital messages that our compassionate attention can help decode? I also sense Kim's tone as condescending and shaming towards this audience member. First, Kim assumes the audience member's wants and needs are egoic, and therefore a distortion that the audience member has failed to investigate (ie. Another person who is blind to the destruction and dysfunction of their ego). When it becomes clear that this is not a balanced relationship, Kim pivots to highlighting the audience member's fears and lack of self worth. "Helloooo? Wake up!" *audience laughter*. I think it would be more empowering to meet this audience member with gentleness and empathy because she is actually walking out on the limb that Eckhart's teachings have not sufficiently addressed. Despite her tone, Kim does a nice job of building a bridge between trauma work and Eckhart's teachings by referencing the process of getting in touch with the self and identifying one's "divine desire." I would like to see Eckhart speak more on this and demonstrate how to integrate the human component. For example, how can we use present moment awareness to fully embody and learn from our form-filled dimensions (emotions, thought patterns, wants, desires, aversions) in addition to embodying the formless dimension? I think Eckhart's work is lacking an integrative approach to working with the inner self and I stand behind this audience member as she pushes at the seams of a teaching that is too confining.

[@ngreat4390]

Getting rid of the ego shouldn't be a priority. The priority should be achieving stillness. By cultivating stillness, we get our needs met by God within us and that is very addictive in the best possible way. So he's right in a way... And she can "manifest" more attention from him by letting God bring the desire to her WITH TIME...but the issue is that we want what we want NOW but if we get it now it's mechanical and not as original and we have something to bicker about originality of intent... Be still and know God within.

[@barbarasayas7536]

I so resonate with this on both sides. So helpful!

[@LOD50]

Such a relevant question and enlightened response. Thank you.

[@marart780]

I’ve embraced my loneliness but life is so much more enjoyable with a partner if he is also living consciously

[@raywong5875]

Learn to love yourself and detach fear of being alone. She should ask a question "If he really loves me?" Obviously not, then don't waste time. Within that past 2 year; she may have lost the opportunity to meet the right person...Don't attach to a bad relationship for any reason.

[@cristole]

Very good!! It applies to everything !! Blessings and gratitude Kim

[@jamilafever8110]

I'm always so happy after watching these 2!!