Preventing, Managing, Ending, and Coping with the Loss of FP Relationships - The BPD Bunch BRUNCH

[@stevenjstein]

Confession- Alex is one of my most favorite persons. (She is also my daughter, who I am so super proud of) ❤❤❤

[@darshanasingh9309]

Aren’t you the coolest parent?

[@darshanasingh9309]

She actually is very good though. Love her body of Reasearch

[@Faresxfalah]

God bless you ❤

[@user-no2mz9hl4f]

I love the broken coffee maker analogy. That’s a helpful perspective for radical acceptance.

[@ElinorRigby]

I thought that was a good metaphor as well.

[@fr0gsrcool753]

i just got out of a very long very intense relationship with an ex FP of mine and this video is helping me process what happened so much. i didn't even realize they were my fp at the time cause of how good it felt to be basically constantly hyperfixated on them when we were together, but now that we are broken up it has made me take a big step back and see how many signs there actually were that they were my fp & how damaging that was for us both. i made being their partner such a big part of my identity and i didnt even know it until now!!!! watching your videos on FPs when you have borderline is helping so much, thank you

[@whitered4183]

I would love to thank you for your videos! They are really helping me in my tough days. It would be lovely to see a video about splitting. It shows how much you care of helping others 🥰

[@thebpdbunch]

Coming later this season!

[@vnom0301]

I lost my FP almost 3 months ago and It’s been extremely hard. I’m using this podcast to get some perspective. I’ve experienced all kinds of symptoms, but I’m still trying to get through this situation.

[@Tailionis]

Oh is this video a sign?.. not sure where me and my fp stands anymore and my bpd symptoms are starting to take over again.

[@leporiaantic]

It's good that you recognize it. It's a really good sign that you can recognize it, it means you're not in the weakest position

[@HenryAndersen]

Hugs

[@Happy-Me.]

Some good points in this video on coping skills which help you have an awareness of BPD. However, you may not know you have BPD. Both my exes didn't but their actions made me realise that they did. During an intimate and romantic relationship, issues always intensify for example enmeshment, mirroring and the fear of abandonment and rejection. The Favourite Person is not a privileged position to be in!

[@czypauly07]

I agree totally.... I fact favourite person is too fluffy a term. Current experiment is more fitting.

[@kendreyer602]

Alex, I saw on a YT video by Dr. Daniel Fox that an FP can be any external agent, not necessarily a human being. Do you have any take on that? I think that my cat, who died in December 2021, was my FP for years. I missed your presence last season and am happy that you are back!

[@astein6273]

Thank you for your kind words! In my opinion and in how I understand the FP, I don't think a non-human can be an FP. I do think that your identity can be heavily attached to being a pet owner and you can absolutely rely on pets for support and love. Losing a pet can be extremely painful. I am not sure that a pet necessarily evokes strong fears of abandonment or hypermentalization which, to me, are an important part of the FP relationship. I did not come up with the favorite person term though and I think it can definitely be different for different people, this is just the way I conceptualize the favorite person.

[@kendreyer602]

@@astein6273 Thanks, Alex.

[@wishfuiiytv]

i needed this episode! thank you.

[@ElinorRigby]

I’m glad Xannie said the thing about the bowl of ice water not really being practical when you’re out and about, because I was literally thinking, “Where is all this magic instant ice water coming from?!” 😅 thanks for making these videos.

[@user-no2mz9hl4f]

Fun fact: drinking cold water is actually enough to activate the diving reflex. I don’t personally find it as affective as submersion, but it might be worth a try. It’s certainly easier to do outside the home.

[@CadmusAU]

After finding out my FP slept with someone who made me feel so disgusted in myself and actually drove me to stand ready to step in front of a train, i had the biggest explosion of an episode i have ever had. Up till that point i had never felt fury like that before. My episodes were always intense and were always caused by the FP, but it was never fury - and the sheer power i felt in that moment was equal parts terrifying and god like powerful. This event sadly made my FP end the friendship - and they went NO CONTACT. My therapist says alot of people who suffer from this curse, and loose their FP alongside having them go no contact loose their lives and im lucky to have survived. This all happened Feb 11 (which made it worse as it was technically the 1 year anniversary of our friendship but also their bday) My biggest strength and also weakest one is the fact i dont give up on people - so radical acceptance hasnt worked ehre at all and have tried constantly to get in touch with him - with no repsonse. The weekend just gone he was actually in town and according to an app was only 10 min drive - so i thought i would attempt to reach out to finally get some closure. He read the messages i sent but didnt send anything back or acknoweldge them... so i finally felt the last tendrails of care for this person leave me and be replaced with - now its his time to feel a smidge of what he has done to me since abandoning me and i contacted their workplace (defenceforce) and advised them of his drug addiction.... the one that i sadly fell into into when i was attempting to help him overcome that at the beginning of the friendship. And i know this is going to sound bad, but for the first time since he abandoned me, i feel at peace and no longer longing for him and his friendship anymore.. all because of my final action.

[@czypauly07]

Your episodes were always caused by your FP? What would your FP have said about that claim?

[@CadmusAU]

@@czypauly07 he knew lol

[@purplefinch29]

I love your input Alex. I was recently in an emotionally abusive relationship where I would constantly communicate how I felt and they would give me “reassurance” - but it turned out they were cheating on me and hiding things from me and me false reassurance. They told me “I would never hurt you, you are safe” all the time, so I don’t know what to believe from people anymore. I also would use skills like “they’re doing this and they are busy, they wouldn’t cheat on me based on what they told me.” I know it’s bad that I relied so heavily on them / was so codependent - but the attention they were giving me was like a drug. (I experienced abuse and neglect as a child). Constantly showered with gifts and attention intermittently. This experience has caused me to avoid relationships all together because my symptoms have skyrocketed since then. I’ve found all my “favorite people” have been toxic / reflect childhood patterns. I’d love to get your thoughts on this.

[@AlexStein627]

I’m so sorry that you experienced this. It makes complete sense that you would now want to avoid relationships all together - at the same time we are social beings and we need relationships. Maybe instead of avoiding relationships forever, you can take this time to allow yourself to heal and to reflect on what might be drawing you to relationships that reflect your painful experiences in childhood. I think you might find that there is a deep rooted feeling of unworthiness. So try to spend some time building compassion for yourself - if you can have compassion for yourself you are likely to be more accepting of the idea that you are worthy of a healthy relationship and partner. I know that the trust piece is also going to be hard for a while but it will come with the right relationship where you can feel safe. I hope this is helpful!

[@purplefinch29]

@@AlexStein627 This is wonderful thank you! ❤️ I’ve figured out why this is the case for me - it’s just getting my body to no react / feel overwhelmed. I actually want to runaway from healthy people / sabatoge those relationships. I was push pull with the one secure man in my life for years because it felt “wrong”. Hoping this can change and I can stop this pattern.

[@purplefinch29]

It’s as if I know what healthy looks like but my body is still repulsed by it / still craving the lovebombing my last partner provided

[@HenryAndersen]

My absoute FP and soulmate left me four years ago, and my life collapsed totally. I do have a Bipolar II diagnosis, but I do think I am borderline. At least I do tick all the boxes. Life has gone totally flatline, and I seriously struggle with having and purpose or direction, and personality. My cat keeps me going, but that is about it... Somehow, roleplaying (ttrpg) also helps and has always helped. Anything except being myself always seems like a good option.

[@BorderlineStrength]

Thanks so much❤❤❤❤

[@arnowillekes7979]

I’m suspecting i have both been limerent and mirroring with my fp…chased her away in the style of an erupting quiet bpd…i also have a mixed race background connected to colonial Indonesia from the past…the most highly dense area for dormant and often very unpredictable vulcanoes…a bit of a sick joke but need that now…miss her to bits but she probably hates my guts right now…😢

[@severedheadandthumbs]

This is super helpful! Thank you both. I feel less alone hearing this, and also determined to put steps into place to stop any more FPs developing. I am currently trying to manage a FP relationship, having had one loss (break-up). This one is my best friend and housemate, and I am trying my best to make it work and not end in another loss. It has almost felt harder to deal with this one, as I am having to actively resist my urges and desire for reassurance. It feels often like I am falling apart. I hope I can keep this friendship and also make myself better in the meantime.

[@sandrocosta479]

I lost my FP 4 months ago and was diagnosed with borderline. Im coping really bad

[@HenryAndersen]

Hugs

[@joanmichel]

i’ve been replaying this video. it really helps and Alex’s explanation really made me feel seen but there’s hope to get better if the emotions are regulated.

[@AlexStein627]

I’m so glad you felt seen!

[@noturbo]

65 days NC and when i dont feel good i want to contact her and so i am learning to self soothe ever so slowly and stay NC because its the healthy thing for me to do.

[@DerekGotega]

Xannie, I’m very sad about loosing my girlfriend who had BPD. I believe was her FP. It was the greatest love I’ve ever been given. It made every relationship I’ve ever had or will have feel dull and void. Is this what it’s often like to be with someone who has BPD?

[@noturbo]

lots of tears

[@thebpdbunch]

🫂