Proof your parents KNOW they're abusing you

[@annaleonie2731]

They know their behaviour is poor because they never pull out their poor behaviour in front of outsiders.

[@PassionateFlower]

Exactly. They act innocent and play dumb. They know they are the problem, not you. But they don't want anyone else to figure that out. They feed off the sympathy for having such cruel, selfish, estranged adult children who drained them then left them high and dry according to their narrative.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

I disagree. They are constantly justifying their behaviors and believe themselves, sadly.

[@jlroussin]

Bingo!

[@Solscapes.]

@@Jennifer-gr7hn attributing ignorance to exploitation is enabling.

[@Solscapes.]

@@lorishu48103 I'm pretty sure they mean that they never do it in a way that others can see that they are being 💩y. They'll talk 💩 about us and turn people against us, but they won't do anything that shows that THEY are the 💩y ones. Like, my mother loves insulting me. I counted more than 70 over a three hour period last I saw her, but she won't insult my intelligence or complain that I gave the dog she abandoned with me a bath in front of other people (aparently she loved his old, poop-crusted odor). In front of other people, or when she cold calls them while drunk, she focuses on saying that I'm using her and abusing her, even if I've been no contact for over a year.

[@FelixCulpa333]

One of my oldest memories is my mother sitting in the kitchen laughing as my older brother beat me up and threw me around while I cried. In my shock I told her to "shut up" and was punished for it. Not him, me. They are sadistic, sadly it took me 40 years to walk away permanently. You are an inspiration Mary, Thank you.

[@idontknowyouthatsmypurse]

That is heartbreaking! I truly hope your life now is filled with connection and love, and you have an inner circle of healthy, SAFE people ❤️❤️

[@juliesczesny90]

I hope that your life is exponentially much better, than they could dream!

[@maryseeker7590]

Gosh! How evil!! My sympathy to you!!

[@ekkamailax]

I had similar experiences. If I tried to get help I was told "how dare you speak about your MOTHER like that"

[@FelixCulpa333]

@@idontknowyouthatsmypurse I have found everything I was looking for and more, very blessed. Thank you so much .🙏

[@bq1424]

These child abuser parents need to be criminalised.

[@iLilith11]

I agree... The damage they inflicted is long lasting... Unless you have money for therapy or good friends for support life will be incredibly difficult 😢 I'm a living proof of it... It lead me to suic!de 😢 I hope you're well ❤ happy Holidays

[@carolnahigian9518]

Such bullies! And they enjoyed it

[@judydyer]

millions would be in jails....all over the world. Some people should nOT have children, especially those who did not want children but had sex or was forced by "Daddy".....

[@kathybjorn1001]

Ex husband's that abuse you, lie about you, tells everyone your crazy and a liar to hide their abusive ways, gaslights you, destroys the relationship between you and your kids, disrespects you, just basically does everything to destroy you and makes you out to be a mean evil person when they're the narcisistic mean evil person and e eyone that stands up for this behavior, should be abandoned too. I was guilty of nearly nothing except turning into a revengeful person in the same kind of bullying intolerant way I was treated and of couse turned into the trouble maker. Sheeze. It's all so very crazy, as then as it is now.

[@SingingSealRiana]

Thechnically they are 😅

[@melissakalloway1916]

There are people who are evil...not misunderstood, not having a bad day, not working out their own pain. They are knowingly, deliberately, consciously evil. Get away from them.

[@miketesla8550]

I agree !

[@JaelH7]

100%

[@markusfreund6961]

Get away from them **after** putting them out of everybody else's misery.

[@winning3329]

Yes the Bible tells us to avoid such people.

[@matthewhoover3433]

​@user-tr3he1zt4s its hard to say, especially if you are living in it. As a child it is hard to differentiate between abuse and sterness. But if you are old enough to get a job, do it after school. My biggest recommendation is to take that money and store it where they can NEVER access it. Save up enough to move out as soon as possible. Good luck :)

[@susantomkins8798]

I am 64 years old and 40 years married. I was 23 when took home my then boyfriend to meet my family. When we left in the car, he was quiet, then down the road a bit he asked "you do know that's not normal the way your mother behaves, and how you all just take it & go along with it? " I was an adult living away from home and until that point had never considered any of that. All I knew was I was no good and had to be" knocked down from your high horse, young lady" she slapped my face in the bridal shop, so I ended up with the dress she wanted. She told me I was ruining the wedding. Still I kept running back for forgiveness. Finally no contact since 2013. Left me gutted as I have x3 brothers who became the flying monkeys. So no contact with them either. Long story, sorry. I have subscribed, your video popped up on my KZbin feed. Thanks for reading this xx

[@andersdottir1111]

Oh yes the wedding drama - I was taken to a tacky hire shop where the dresses were dingy and grey! My mother paid no attention to me; I looked at the dresses on my own and she chatted fakely with another mother there. I ended up organising my own dress on my own. I was so used to her toxic behaviour that I didn’t notice how dysfunctional my family was.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you Susan for sharing. I'm so sorry - that's horrific.

[@shelby477]

Oh gosh i feel ya. I'm 66 and now no contact with the siblings left, my mother is now dead but they are still here flying monkeys. And i well know the high horse comment. Along with constantly hearing the classic, you need to be taken down a notch.

[@susantomkins8798]

@@shelby477 ahh yes Shelby I was taken down so many notches over the years!! The real ostracising started in 2008 when I got a promotion at work, I was a bit nervous and told my parents about it. My father who has since passed but who I believe was controlled by Mum, laughed so hard " a supervisor? YOU? THAT WILL BE FINE TILL THEY WORK OUT HOW STUPID YOU ARE!!" His comment and her snickers. I cried. He mentioned it often after that, in a weird way suggesting I was making it up. I'm not sure what he thought, but in January 2013 I dropped in with his birthday present and they both told me to take my present and go and never come back. No family or extended family speak to me and I have no clue what I did. Dad once said " you should be ashamed of yourself " I still have no idea what lie they have perpetrated, but after that I tried twice more to discuss with them and met a brick wall each time. I had counselling therapy for a couple of years then decided OK I will take you at your word. Goodbye. I was very down for a couple of years but emerged feeling so liberated. I believe now it was never about me or my lack, it's their journey and I was collateral damage 💔 Hugs to everyone who can relate xxx

[@slothy-sloth-sloth5681]

That's terrible Susan. I almost married a narcissist but a few months before the wedding, I found out he was seeing someone else on the side. I went home to my family and told them the wedding was off. I told them about the other women. My father said "what did *I* do to make him run to another women?" Huh?? He went on to say "I know what you're like". Good god as if I or anyone deserved that kind of treatment. A year later, I met my husband, thank goodness. We eloped because I didn't want to go through the wedding drama again. My mother pretty much took over the first wedding. A few months into my marriage, I told my father that I was pregnant. He was so excited until he did the math. I was pregnant BEFORE the wedding. A week later he told me that he walked to the local waterfall and was going to jump. What? Why? He said because he was deeply embarrassed that I was pregnant before the wedding. I couldn't even wrap my brain around it. It was in the 90s, not the 50s. I was 28 years old and had a professional job. My husband had a good job. I said to him with no emotion "that is not my problem". Honestly, manipulation at its finest. I wasn't getting sucked into that nuttiness, I was so excited to be a mother. Both my parents are deceased so the drama level went way down.

[@montecrucis7247]

The fact alone that narcissitically abusive parents hide (by acting as if they were nice and a perfect family) to the outside world what they're doing to their scapegoat children at home says it all.

[@DailyDose926]

My adopted mother was always putting on a show in public and then verbally and physically abusing me in the car and at home. I would feel confused by her affection and kindness to me around other's because she made it feel so genuine. It was like she was Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde..

[@Fr3nchfrii]

@@DailyDose926 😔 the car was one of my mom's favorite place to shame me for being a human girl and blame me for being alive. I hope you've been able to find a healing path for your life's journey. ❤️

[@jeanag3279]

I was struggling to believe my mother knew she was abusing me . . . until I read your comment.

[@cosmicstargazer10]

Nobody in my peer group that had met my "mother" would believe me if I told 'em.

[@Awake-Free-CT]

@@jeanag3279 You may not have known but she was/is almost certainly aware of what she is doing. You can tell if she knows or not by if She treats you the same in front of other people outside the household. If not then she knows exactly what she is doing is wrong. My advice to you, get out while you still can. Don't let her destroy and manipulate you for over 40 years until you are in ill health and left to deal with it alone with no help from the family as that's what will happen if you allow it to continue as it's no good for your soul being treated like that and usually it manifests into some type of illness or disability when you have suffered in a low vibrational state for so long. Get away and live your life and don't look back if your still young and healthy. Take my advice. She won't change. They can't..

[@feelingbetternaturally1099]

The best thing my narcissistic, alcoholic mother did was die. The fact that she is no longer spewing her evil onto me brings me great happiness.

[@AlexShiro]

I can appreciate the freedom that brings you.

[@JustMe-qq3rc]

I await the day.

[@naemasufi]

@@JustMe-qq3rc I cried when mine died. Over the coffin, I just thought, "Bitch you took my last chance to know you ,to your grave. Only 3 tears, it was enough to get over her.

[@j.c.8493]

I am sad to say I am waiting for it to happen to my mum too. Gaslighting and dividing the siblings with her golden child and using flying monkeys for too long! Wish I could get out from this hell now! Being their child is a monstrosity and eats at your heart. Like a bad recurring nightmare!

[@SusanM-c5v]

You’re lucky

[@yariauger4125]

That's just it. It's one thing for a parent to mess up or have an "off day"..but to persistently and continuously mistreat, manipulate and abuse a child is entirely something else.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

AND to lack the HUMILITY to admit it and with remorse, truly acknowledge. I even tell them all (because when my oldest sister married, husband and their children started doing it to me too) that I forgive them - and they STILL refuse the humility.

[@laraoneal7284]

@@Jennifer-gr7hn. Our families of origin have a MURDEROUS SPIRIT and it just UNACCEPTABLE & EVIL. God bless you. I went no contact over 20 years from them.

[@insights3140]

The key difference is ownership of actions. Taking responsibility and cleaning it up. I mess up as a parent, but I own my mistakes and make sure my children understand and witness me apologizing and taking responsibility. To say, I’m sorry, I messed up, I’m still learning. Here’s how I probably should have handled that. That’s a wholly different reality than a parent who makes the child guilty for every thought or feeling they have and constantly deflect any responsibility. The latter creates an entire identity in the child that has no boundaries, self respect, or value.

[@crazyredheadbeyotch8125]

YASSS! THIS!!!!!

[@MayBlake_Channel]

Exactly! My enabling dad will dismiss my mother's actions by advocating for "the benefit of a doubt." Like, ok, Dad, any ONE example i give you can be dismissed like that. But you're failing to see the pattern by dismissing every example

[@jesusrules9925]

To this day she plays the perfect abandoned mother card. I can't.

[@daebak_hana]

They are superb actors aren't they!

[@AzazelsWings]

Ah yes. Poor her, so punished having given up her whole life and to have such ungrateful offspring. ... I'm fresh out of give a craps and you should be too.

[@PassionateFlower]

It's the hill all abusive mothers will die on. The "abandoned estranged mother" trope will always win over enablers. But you can't let that stop you from walking away. You will be villified whether you stay or leave so you might as well be villified from afar rather than up close having your boundaries still being violated.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

@@PassionateFlower Yes mine gets the violin out. She says all her children have abandoned her, and that she sacrificed everything for her children and has her flying monkeys and well intentioned friends, totally sucked in. I quietly remarked that wasn't really the case, and she went into orbit! Her carefully constructed lie takes so much effort to maintain that she cannot bear being contradicted. She is now tormented with the idea that we as her children are just waiting for her to die to get her money. Well firstly she hasn't got much money, but secondly I don't do that stuff. Sadly her own mother was tremendously hurtful to her, and she's repeated history with me.

[@kino7539]

@@PassionateFlowerright. It’s their own delusional story that isn’t based in reality.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

Narcissists generally don't admit any wrong, unless it serves them in some way.

[@cosmicreef5858]

they are evil

[@fnjesusfreak]

The Narcissist's Prayer - "That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it." (Not me)

[@kreativjunkie8053]

​@@fnjesusfreakunderrated comment

[@AlexShiro]

Yeah like to play the victim or make out how unforgiving and horrible you are so ofc they can’t help treating you awfully.

[@crookedfingersgirl7356]

I was told "i NEVER SAY sorry" ... I was a child/pre adolescent and even though 'i' accepted it... Inside I Felt My body was HORRIFIED and my brain just froze at how WRONG it felt... It's only THIS year (yes, 2023/24) I have begun with therapy all those experiences were FEELING.... I am very lost and upset finally learning what I was FEELING.... I'm in shock. I thought I was 'smarter' than that...and mad that it took till now to admit all that daily/multiple times a day had an effect on me 😭.... I've believed what I was told " too sensitive" "think too much" "YOU MAKE me".... And I've been saying "there's something wrong with me" consistently the last two years, self analysis, self improvement.... I can hardly admit the truth (even though I know it/fought them)... It's a constant ceaseless juggle between two polar opposites -

[@jpscali1386]

I’m terrified to talk to anyone about how horrible my parents are.

[@ellyk8834]

Talk away. I find no one believes you anyways. I've been told, "No one would behave like that!" Me - "And yet that was my reality." No one wants to believe people abuse their children or they minimize the behavior because of guilt over their own. More people are emotionally unwell then healthy in our society so unhealthy becomes the 'normal'. We need to stop normalizing dysfunction.

[@penniewyatt9391]

Talk to a professional therapist. Letting it all out helps a lot, it hurts, but it’s a relief in the end.

[@rebeccaaugustine8628]

I remember! I told some of my classmates how my mother broke a vase while we were cleaning up and then said I did it. (I had put it out of the way, and she knew where it was but knocked it over!) They retorted, "You're making it up about your mother! Your mother's nice!"

[@ellyk8834]

@@rebeccaaugustine8628 My mother could be nice. I saw her do it to other children - I just didn't deserve her good side and it has the side bonus of making other people believe her over you in the truth vs. gaslighting battle. People will often say we're making stuff up and I remind them, "I don't have to make anything up to make my mother look bad. The truth is quite enough."

[@crookedfingersgirl7356]

I learned by age 9- "NOOOO" "BUT SHE'S SO NICE"... I've always blamed me. So coming out of that belief is bringing up actual AGONIZING feelings all across the board. I really want to believe I'll heal from this ..

[@annee4193]

Yes that smirky sick grin is sickening churning my stomach. It’s evil.

[@ripGianinaLeilaniReid]

I am very familiar with the smirky grin

[@JamesKite-r9o]

What's up with that? It is like Satan or a demon is smiling through them?

[@BronzeDragon133]

@@JamesKite-r9o It's the sick pleasure they're taking in your discomfort that's feeding their own feelings of complete inadequacy. No demon requried. When my mother pulls that crap, it's game over. Turn on heel and walk out. She's not ready to go (we drive most times nowadays, so the power balance has shifted)? Too effing bad, better grab your cane and move as fast as you can, because we're not waiting. Turning on the tears? Turn off the spigot and stop wasting water, toots, guilt doesn't work. Bad son? You're lucky I deal with you at all. Half the family is on the Do Not Bother listing because they buy the lies. Most of the other half is on thin ice for being half-safe at best and gets warned harshly the moment they open their mouths and make a comment. I don't have time to waste on this crap any longer and I'm not going to waste that time.

[@jewellhershey]

“Smirky sick grin” - exactly.

[@iwilson6651]

I’m 41 years old and live outside the country. Visited my parents and on my birthday my dad started picking fights and it finally brought me to tears and I when I looked up I saw a grin, very subtle but extremely hurtful. I don’t know what to do aside from slowly cutting contact. For context, although this is the first time I’ve seen the smile he’s always been like this. I’ve had addiction issues since I was 12 and continue to struggle albeit under a veil of a successful functional adult. Doesn’t take too long for romantic partners to see past veneer so I’ve been single for years. I take responsibility for my problems but the pain he causes fuels my additions and is not sustainable.

[@jessicanolenlmt3210]

I feel like the covert narc abuser will mirror back in a sarcastic way when you confront the abuse. "Oh..yes...I have been sooooo horrible..." like a woe is me martyrdom, but they aren't really admitting to their manipulation

[@worldadventuretravel]

My parents absolutely know when they're being abusive because I can see the relief cross over them as they do it, and then how great they feel afterward. It's obvious on both. With my mother's physical abuse, it would be like she'd go into a blackout and wail on me and then snap out of it like it was the best day of her life.

[@sunnyadams5842]

My mother sloughed off her fristration and anger onto me. Both of them loved to make me cry. Ganging up on me together was their only together actuvity

[@DaturaReapicusJones]

The post callout smile is a big one, when you call them out on things and they smile when it's not appropriate at all.

[@ceceliagettemy2906]

@@DaturaReapicusJones Only those who have lived it know about that smile. I hope you find the sun.

[@inkabazinkaasmr1215]

This is so true 😢

[@rebeccaaugustine8628]

I remember being teased by my parents until I cried, and then they laughed at me. Yep! They enjoyed it!

[@ellensunden2778]

Same here...

[@dianetyler1802]

Same thing here.

[@ZFern9390]

My mother's idea of playing with us was sitting on top of us while bracing down our arms with her knees and beating her fingernails, deeply, quickly and repeatedly on our forehead till either blood was visible and or we would be so angry crying and screaming and bucking her completely off of us and running away while all the whole she is laughing out loud and sometimes she would also slowly let spit slowly drop onto our face. I hate her for that among a thousand other things! I'm sorry you had to go through that 😢

[@Kendrach]

😢I'm sorry that happened to you

[@rebeccaaugustine8628]

@@ZFern9390 That's DISGUSTING!

[@marywesterman2382]

I remember once when I was around 17 during an episode with my mother I kept trying to get away from her. I was going around the house avoiding her, not giving any reaction to the verbal & physical abuse and trying to get on with my morning without engaging in the bullshit. Finally I turned around, eyes full of tears and asked her "why do you continue to keep following me around and hurting me?" She looked at me incredulously, like how could I possibly ask her that, and smiled & responded with, "Why I'm your mother. I can do whatever I want to you whenever I want to." I'm now 31 and I've never forgotten that moment.

[@user56gghtf]

🥺😢♥️🤗🧸

[@naemasufi]

that was the mentality in 60's Lancashire

[@janinejohnstone468]

@@naemasufi not sure that changes anything.

[@qq84]

"We are your parents, we are allowed to do that."

[@qq84]

@@naemasufi No, back there also have been many great parents.

[@rotarydial000]

I finally mustered the courage to ask my mother about some horrible things she’d done when I was a child. Her initial response was denial-I never did those things. Then she shifted to her favorite move, gaslighting by saying “You know you’ve always had a problem with your memory and making things up.” When I offered irrefutable proof, she started attacking my character by bringing up an honest mistake I’d made when I was 13 years old (I’m 36 years old!) saying that incident made me an untrustworthy person. I was at a slumber party and asked another girl to ask the parents if I could leave with my friend and go to her grandmas house down the street. She lied and said it was okay, then didn’t tell anyone where we were and all hell broke loose. After that I found out she’d been saying horrible things about me. She called me petty on the day my son was born because I didn’t send a picture to her fast enough, insinuating I did it on purpose to hurt her and my sisters. When I asked her why she was saying these horrible things, she said “I’ve been retaliating against you for accusing me of things I didn’t do.” 😦 I’ve been no contact ever since.

[@Hephzibah-eq9kr]

Amen

[@Hephzibah-eq9kr]

My mother will deny until her death but will call cps and say I did all these things to my children and have my siblings vouch for it I thought they were just still. Afraid of her but no their just as evil

[@rotarydial000]

@@Hephzibah-eq9kr oh my god, that’s horrible! I’m so sorry. I know what you mean about your siblings being just as evil. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, isn’t it? Maybe the hardest for me at least.

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

Good for you!

[@Mindfuluser2024]

The last conversation I went no contact with my toxic parents (NPD and psychopath likely), my dad brought up something that happened when I was 12, asking if I could bring a dog home from my aunt's place a few states away. He used that example to justify why it was OK for him to be so abusive to me. Like he never knew and they never made arrangements for the solo flight with the dog in a cargo cage, LOL. The gaslighting and blaming us for their mistreatment of us! "You disrespected us and just brought it home! Or, at least you should have known I didn't really want it!" These people are fundamentally flawed, incapable of looking at their own imperfections and they HAVE to scapegoat us to live with the darkness within themselves. Good luck to you, and others like us.

[@marthawhite3353]

Twice, when I was 25 years old, and practicing 'gray rock' in a conversation with my mother when visiting my parents, she got very angry and began to waive her hands in front of me saying, "what's that thing that you are doing? what are you doing? I'm trying to hurt you!" She said this, two different times, and I acted like I didn't hear her. That was all I needed to hear, as she WAS trying to hurt me by arguing with me and I was non-committal and bland (grey rock), and she became so enraged that she forgot she was supposed to be hiding the fact that she did indeed intend to hurt me. Horrible, horrible people.

[@Kendrach]

Shocking

[@user56gghtf]

Wow 🤯 When people show you who they are believe them. ♥️🤗

[@KasieMusic]

That's great! Reading about grey rock now!

[@Sinapsis86]

Please, share us link of grey rock's application, it's sooo difficult when you HAVE to relate with an whole dysfunctional family like scapegoat.. Ps. Sorry for my English I'm not English speaker

[@funk-the-juice]

"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you're not allowed to criticize."

[@sunnybright8206]

Wow

[@insights3140]

I finally understood what my childhood was and my mom had cornered me with her drunken tears and I called her on how she manipulated me as a kid and she smirked. She couldn’t hide her pleasure. That was the completion of understanding for me.

[@Casiusrogers]

THE SMIRK really resonated with me

[@jann4sundown]

Yes, my mother and sister were both great smirkers. in situations where they knew I was hurt. :( Good point!

[@L.O-p5r]

Its crazy they do this.I dont know if its a demon in them but that smirk is what keeps me awake at night ...they were this entire time aware of the abuse.That smirk lets me know they are evil.

[@insights3140]

Two major points of healing: 1. understanding that yes they do know they are hurting you and they fully believe it’s valid. 2. You didn’t deserve any of it.

[@dagmarbubolz7999]

@@L.O-p5r I think it's called "dupers delight" shown by manipulators, liers etc. They wear a mask, but then for seconds it can slip because they feel so much delight at being shitty to you.

[@diannetimpson6885]

My Enabling father who was the strong arm ( physically abusive) of my malignant narcissistic mother and her equally malignant narcissistic son, admitted to me: " I knew what they were doing to you. I knew it for a long, long time. But I couldn't do anything about it because I had to watch out for myself. You understand, Right?" No apology. Then he went on to pull the religion card: " You're going to hell because you don't honor your mother and father!" So...He admitted I was being abused and thought I should be honoring my abusers or I "would burn in hell"??? No Contact.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

wow, yep they are next level abusers 😓

[@IndelibleSin317]

No, the bible does not say to honor horribly abusive parents..

[@MsChief65]

The Bible also says, not to provoke your children to wrath...they always leave that part out.

[@kino7539]

My n.parents love to use the bible as a get out of jail free card for their bad behavior.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@IndelibleSin317 True. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 describes the wicked (narcs) and verse 5 says "And from such TURN AWAY"(NO CONTACT)....this includes abusive and wicked PARENTS.

[@glittermeaway]

I knew my mother was manipulating me and abusing me emotionally because she never apologized to me or felt guilt.

[@MaineGalVal]

I think that the fact that they don't treat us one way in front of others and yet another when it's more private says a lot.

[@Angel_Chi]

This always confused me growing up. The two completely different faces between public and private and i believe that subconsciously taught me that no one would ever really understand or save or believe me. So many weird things are becoming conscious to me as I’ve gained distance finally

[@skydle]

It’s always so interesting to me when my mother and I are around someone outside of the immediate family. She hears me have an actual conversation with someone, hears me speak, and she can’t handle it. The conversation isn’t about her in that moment and since we’re in front of someone else, she can’t stifle or control me, so she will physically back away and disengage with both me and the other person. I wonder what it must be like to hate your daughter so much that you can’t even stand to hear her speak. All I want to do is listen to/be around my son, so at least I learned what not to do. Btw, celebrating that I just went no contact today after the final straw, which was my 69 year old mother taking a soup pot and heaving it at me, only to stop when it got just an inch from my face. My 3 year old son watched her do this. I’m done.

[@shelby477]

My grown daughter became my mother's golden grandchild. Which my kid thought was pretty funny. My daughter returns from her home in Cork most summers to visit me in Georgia and other family and friends in California, where we all are from. Anyway, she is at my mom's house having a visit with her, when she gets the brilliant idea to use her status in my mother's eyes to ask her why she always treated me badly, and how hard it was as a kid for her and her sister to hear my whole family talk smack about me, their mother. My daughter tell me that my mom flashed her hate eyes while simultaneously looking terrified at being called out by her golden one. But she did finally give an answer that actually sounded right. I had asked her many times what had i ever done to deserve how she and my siblings treated me. Why did they pay each other back money, but never me? I would be told i was selfish and a money grubber. One Christmas when i didn't get a new dress, (to be fair, the same amount was contributed to a horse i bought), we were taking a picture and while we all smiled, my mother was pinching my thigh really hard saying, I'm so glad you're sister gets to be the pretty one today. Etc, etc. Mary, when you used the word contempt in another video, my stomach clenched, that's exactly how my family always treated me. But u never got answer beyond i deserved the way i was treated. Anyway. My mother did tell my daughter that when i was born my father paid too much attention to me, then when siblings came along, i was prettier and smarter and took all the attention. So she had to put me in my place, had to make sure my siblings got the spotlight rather than me. So that is how i knew that she knew, exactly how she was purposely mean and abusive to me. I'm 66, this truthful moment only happened about 3 years ago. That's how long and how badly this stuff can affect us. But in fairness to me, i only had libraries back then and wouldn't even have thought to research this, if the info was even out there. I'm so happy to see young people figuring out that that aren't broken so much sooner than i could.

[@LeslieHeartsIL]

I'm 60. I only went no contact after a family mobbing 3.5 years ago. I think your story explains why my female parent chose me as well. The abuse gets worse as everyone becomes more blatant about it. I'm glad I finally know what was wrong instead of blaming myself, but there are a lot of wasted years that I grieve over. My life now really is better than ever in every way. It feels like I was a co-star in a horror film. Keep strong and know that there are others out there on the journey and letting go of these monsters. Best, Leslie

[@VeronicaF3]

I’m dreading my moms funeral being thrown by the two golden children after they stole my third of the trust my mom left. It was her that allowed such treatment in the first place though. Harsh reality.

[@MoteOfDust430]

❤ I was around 65 when I put it all together. I'm just grateful I am still functioning

[@PaperclipProphets]

Thank you for sharing your scapegoat story; it’s helpful to hear others stories! May the Lord bless you 🙏

[@PaperclipProphets]

@@MoteOfDust430 I’m in my 40s & just figured this out a few years ago. I am so grateful for channels like this & I am so glad you made it through! May the Lord bless you 🙏

[@megpi72]

I told my mother about the ways that she had mistreated me and she replied “I wouldn’t have done it if I had known that you were aware of it.” I was diagnosed with a mental illness years ago. Apparently she would take advantage of anyone that she thought she could as long as she wouldn’t get caught. I really can’t forgive someone who says this to me. This makes her not only a bad person but the most horrible person and mother ever.

[@realhealing7802]

Yes they know! Their just hoping you will never figure it out or keep making excuses for them. In my case, they also used Religion to control me. It's sick!

[@rebeccaquinn8358]

Same here. The never ending bible quotes to abuse. It’s religious abuse

[@saintfreezy6914]

Religion is the worst smh and has the worst ones cause "Christ washes away my shame". I was told by my dad he has no shame because of Christ lol thats scary

[@ZFern9390]

Yep! Has your Narcissist parent ever said to you that " I am forgiven"??

[@janinejohnstone468]

That's not who Jesus is. That is who they are.

[@writer1986]

The day I packed up and moved out of my parents’ house, my narcissistic mother’s response was “You think you can just move out and get away from your problems?” SHE IS THE PROBLEM! My mother KNOWS she’s problematic and abusive. Hence two sisters married young (and are miserable), and my only brother took his own life after I moved out.

[@jcc6789]

I totally understand

[@joanjenny2555]

I know from experience in a malignant narcissistic and psychopathic "family" that there is pleasure derived in the process of traumatizing and breaking down the scapegoat. It is not until the scapegoat understands and resets the power balance are we free. Peace to the World.

[@lorihoop3831]

I've seen it in action with my aunt and have removed myself. It was sick, they really did get pleasure out of torturing her. I'm ashamed I went along with it out of fear the wrath would be put on me. No more.

[@Chinni_C888]

Being different people inside and outside the home is confirmation enough, IMO. Then there are the contradictions like the toxic people have to be accepted as they are because they are family, but that rule does not apply to us.

[@deedurkin9879]

This is both my parents to a T and both my siblings. No one outside of the home would ever think or believe that they are so cruel behind closed doors. It's terrible and so frustrating when you try to tell people what your family are really like but because they don't see that side of your family they just don't believe it and don't want to hear it. Some of my so called friends have turned against me when I told them what my family are really like. They are also treating me like I'm crazy. It's just all so insidious.

[@Chinni_C888]

@@deedurkin9879 Now you know what a false friend looks like. All of them will eventually reap what they sow.

[@rachelthompson7487]

Yes!

[@PaperclipProphets]

@@deedurkin9879 I understand that pain & it’s insidious, indeed! I pray you find more supportive friends & I pray that for myself too 🙏

[@rebeccaquinn8358]

Street angel homedevil

[@cathynevius2164]

The correct response to “You should forgive your parent.” is “I didn’t make them have children. If they didn’t want to be loving parents, they should have used condoms.”

[@sadanyagci]

I read this and immediately pictured Smokey the Bear saying "Only you can prevent forest children" 🤣

[@valerieelisebethcooper83]

Or kept their pants up.

[@lavenderkisses9461]

Or how about they show real contrition (which would be over an extended period of time making amends-multiple years in order to gain trust) to warrant forgiveness.

[@PeriwinkleB]

@@valerieelisebethcooper83this!!!

[@PeriwinkleB]

@@sadanyagci I shouldn’t have laughed this hard at this comment 😂

[@SueBHoney-cq8co]

I’m 65 year old widow. My mother has never cared about me. My husband died in 2018 my dad in 2020. My life has been hell. She taught my 2 sisters to despise me. I have been listening to you recently. This is my life, hard to understand or share feelings without being labeled insane. They don’t care. It is cruel.

[@Timenow1]

@Sue B. Honey omgosh, exactly & I mean EXACTLY same with me, 2 sisters that are the most Evil "Flying Monkeys" ever!!!!!

[@Timenow1]

But Jesus the Christ is MY HERO & while human life is tough, HE HELPS ME ❤

[@whatevernice3452]

I replied the same way when people would me why I'm not in contact, or would just tell me to go back in contact, so I tell them "my family is abusive", just to get them to leave me alone.

[@Saint876_]

You are heard and seen

[@whatevernice3452]

@@Saint876_ 😊🙏thank you.

[@bethharvey5170]

My mother refuses to take responsibility for anything she does, whether it’s manipulating me, splitting the family by capitulating to my narcissistic siblings, or gaslighting me by pretending she doesn’t know why I feel harmed by her. My siblings have never accomplished anything in their lives and they hate me for being strong and accomplished and for always telling the truth since I was a little girl. After years of trying to reason with them, I’m finally done being the family scapegoat. It’s a lonely feeling not having a family, but its better than losing my self-respect.

[@shepink6204]

Sounds exactly like my situation 😢😢

[@ellyk8834]

I finally confronted my family and asked if (my mother in particular) would be willing to learn about my mental health conditions and Autism so they could help me function better/stop triggering me. My dad (enabler) said and I quote, "That's never going to happen." Well gosh thanks folks and boy that made it easy to stop caring in any way about them. I was 45 at the time. I hope they like getting old alone and only having their Golden Child (Narcissist) to 'look after' them. A whole family (minus myself) with no empathy or compassion and I think they deserve each other. I might be alone and on the outside but it's infinitely better then being around people who take pleasure in hurting you.

[@yobafox1jason556]

This is my experience. The golden boys get the help and love and I, the female fu*"up, had to beg for crumbs of parental support. Now my narcissist mom and enabler dad, are doing the most sickening and extreme version of their trauma bond dance, which always involved both running to ME to take sides with them, then throwing me under the bus for talking to them or helping in any way, like if I helped my dad find a hotel to stay at when mom kicked him out, I would get their wrath. My enabler dad used guilt trips and my attachment to control me, and mom used threats of bullshit** like reporting me to my landlord and getting me evicted for letting my dad stay a week. They both keep going back to each other. This last time, my narc mom accused me of sticking my nose in her business for helping my dad get shelter for a night, when she kept coming to my door yelling and trying to make me side with her.... and her "punishment" for "sticking my nose in her business" she texted my boyfriend, who I'm financially dependent on, and had previously confided in my parents that it wasn't a safe relationship for me, that I planned to leave him and made up lies about me to him. When my brother, who helped my dad just as much if not more this time after 35 years of me doing it (which dad guilted me for) he didn't get punished for anything. He got loaned hundreds of dollars.i told my dad if he wants anything to do with me in the future to tell my psycho mom that was wrong to treatment and my brother so differently. His reply was that he would not rock the boat with her. 🤮 This is the man who calls leaving angry cussing voicemails when I don't just immediately jump and run for him. Pretty insidious and I'm just waiting for her to drop and disappear. Til then the good old golden boys can wipe her a** when she can't control her bowels which isn't far away as she already has urinary incontinence.

[@jennajoseph893]

I feel your pain. I went low contact by moving states away. You might want to consider going no contact or low contact by making it physically possible for them to see you for most of the year. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

[@Hydrocarbonateable]

Similar situation for me, I offered to get my parents parenting books so they could help me grow and succeed with less strife. They scoffed at that and I had a similar reaction to yours. "Welp, pretty clear they don't care even the lowest bar, and that's not gonna change, so I gotta get out of here on my own." Easier said than done, but once you get that instinct, go with it! It won't do you wrong.

[@nuclearcatbaby1131]

My foster parent used my autism as an excuse to dehumanize me and would probably have put me under conservatorship had her daughter not kicked me out for emailing professors asking them for help after I got locked in my room and forbidden to go to college one day as punishment for not picking up cat puke.

[@LiminalDrag]

Ugh, my parents knew I was struggling too and chose not to diagnose or help me. My mother used my autistic traits to mentally and emotionally torture me, send me into meltdown, then she played the victim to such a horrible, angry, apathetic, cold-hearted child. She 100% knows she's evil, as she can't help telling on herself. I've since cut them off completely and got myself diagnosed. Still, there's no undoing the damage those two did to my being. A lifetime isn't long enough.

[@ChrisLanzi-jj9xq]

I remember my father being pulled over by a policeman and how polite he was. It occurred to me that if he can turn politeness on when the circumstance calls for it, then it is under his control.

[@TheCanyonCritter]

My Mom passed last march. I will never forget when she called me one day, not too long before and said, "Hi, it's your nemesis."

[@user-sg8wf5qo9s]

F... Off, mom)

[@happiness6746]

😦...

[@zuhairreza]

Did you find it funny, or were you hurt? Anyway, try to take it easy. Sending love.

[@anima6035]

😢 that's so sad, I'm sorry ❤ what these narcissist parents don't realise is that they are actually our first true loves and yet they treat us like their nemesis. It's truly tragic.

[@MissMam514]

I'm very sorry you had to hear this

[@JiJilliani]

While I was being yelled at and falsely accused of outrageous things I didn't even do and I was explaining , I saw the smirk and look of pleasure while I was suffering in confusion and pain.

[@ellensunden2778]

Same here...and the smirk/wide grin and lit-up eyes are absolutely infuriating! I'd stop trying to explain anything...your mom knows what she's doing is playing a very painful psychological game with you, and she's thoroughly enjoying it. That's evil.

[@qq84]

Yes, defamation one of their favorite tools, before and especially after nc.

[@ceceliagettemy2906]

@@JiJilliani That look of pleasure. Never forget it-never doubt yourself. It is real. Mine died last year-every one so surprised I had no tears-Did they truly think I had made it all up? Yes yea they did. So glad I am free

[@smustipher]

Miserable people NEED to drag someone down to where they are. To punish someone who they resent for being "good" because deep down inside they see themselves as "bad". It's really sad when you think about it, if the above describes your parent(s) the best thing to do is to distance yourself and save yourself from their terrible behavior. No relationship is worth keeping if if means giving up being treated with respect.

[@alihall676]

It’s mind boggling to me the number of people that have been devastated by the impact of the family scapegoat. This insanity is so hard to explain to someone who grew up in a normal family. Please remind yourself that none of this was ever your fault. We all have a perspective about life that many people (thankfully) will never have to endure. I remember telling my mother that it would have been much easier for me if she just told me she hated me. The cover up was, at times, worse than the truth.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Now, I'm remembering when I was a teenager how many of my friends and I admitted we were the black sheep of our families. At the time, it sounded cool 😎. We weren't aware of the real meaning and what we have been carrying since birth. Many of them are not alive any longer and I'm sure that many teenagers are doing the same thing; talking about how bad and nasty they are and bragging about it to cover their dirty shame.😢

[@alihall676]

@@Lyrielonwind oh so true. When I was a young girl, teenager I called myself the black sheep of the family as if it was a badge of honor. I’m in my 50’s now and walked away from all of my siblings who treated me like their human garbage can for years. The damage has been extensive. But getting healthy and knowing my own value has been the best antidote for living my best life. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. I wish you peace and good health! Stay safe!

[@arborwin]

Absolutely, I would have loved to have any scrap of truth from them, ever. Anything besides the torrent of BS

[@outbackfirefly1154]

Not quite… my mom didn’t hate me. She enjoyed my suffering. She told me that seeing me suffer makes her feel good… I was not allowed to smile in a house. If my mom caught me smiling, she would hit me or beat me up. When I started to cry, she started to smile. All my life she was telling me that the only way for me to see her happy is to let her abuse me. That was giving her pleasure. I went no contact at 40 y.o. 22 years too late.

[@lizwilliamson8332]

@@outbackfirefly1154your story is shocking. I’m so pleased you cut her out of your life. Well done. Stay strong and keep healing 🙏

[@suchaleelim]

I once asked my 74 year old mom whether she is ready to meet her new parents in the next life. I warned her whatever she did to her children will be done against her by the next parents. She had a nerve to ask what she has done to me.

[@suchaleelim]

@@Austenfan177 you never know the truth. But karma work in a mysterious way.

[@whiteravenfeather]

Is this our karma then deserving of this, we're we scapegoats horrible parents in a previous life, I hope I wasn't

[@jacqueslee2592]

There is probably no afterlife. But it is painful to have experience the only life we have in this way and that your own family did a lot of harm and damage.

[@dianeensminger38]

I remember a strange smile mom would get sometimes when she had said something upsetting to put me down and when it was totally inappropriate. She never remembered what she had said or done later. It had never happened. I wouldn't have mentioned the strange smile, but it was there.

[@MsGabiele]

I also noticed that wired smile with my narcissistic mother, but it seemed more like helpless, to confuse me, she noticed the conversation goes wrong and she gets lost what to do or say other than denying. That she wanted to be nice but completely failed, …. my personal traumatic response and feeling was that she is enjoying her control over me….

[@anima6035]

Dupers delight?

[@JustMe-qq3rc]

I sometimes still allow my 85 yo mother to bait me but for the most part I am really good at going grey rock, it drives her out of what her minuscule mind.

[@TheLeedeerod]

Mine told me she treated me badly because she knew I could take it. They are wicked.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

Mine was just plain jealous of my looks, my youth and the opportunities in life that awaited me. She has never complimented me ever, except indirectly as a reflection of herself.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

I've been told that before... ironically by a former boss.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

​@@deborahcurtis1385Same here! To this day, my mother can't stand it when I'm feeling confident and I'm looking my best. I've gone no contact with her again recently.

[@AlexShiro]

Jeez, I had an ex who’s mother was a piece of work - the narcissist who raised a narcissist- and she had the gall to tell me bc I was strong that meant it was ok for her and the ex to do whatever. Demented.

[@qq84]

Yes, that stupid excuse is being used by many people.

[@Chopsyochops]

My mother knows full well what she is doing. I’ve watched her switch characters depending on who is in the room and what her needs are at the time. In her hubris, she believes that no one can see what she is doing. She’s had 70 years of life so far to change her behaviour. She knows its abnormal. What she thinks of me no longer matters. I’ve no respect for her, or time for her projections. She is not my responsibility. My responsibility is my myself and future. 💜

[@LeslieHeartsIL]

It is so dark, what they did. During no contact I have had memories surface that I had forgotten about. This has helped put the pieces together but also brings great darkness with it.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Yes, it's a very secretive hidden form of abuse.

[@growingandlearning164]

I have found that too in my so far 3 yrs NC.Lots of suppressed memories are surfacing to be dealt with.

[@IrethAmandil]

I'd never heard the term "toxic compassion" before but holy wow does it fall in line with my life. Always feeling the lion's share of compassion for people while they patronize and gaslight me in turn. Hurtful things that other people do are "mistakes" but I'm fit to be punished unendingly for things I'm not even aware of. One thing I've learned is that I can have compassion for someone and not trust them or want to engage with them at the same time. Forgiveness is not forgetting that they are still accountable for who they are.

[@lovelv1278]

Wow toxic compassion that’s me!! Malignant covert narc mother . That’s how they programmed us!

[@bellaluce7088]

@IrethAmandil GREAT comment! It took me a long time to learn that having compassion doesn't mean you have to stick around! I wish I'd understood this sooner. Now I tell myself that it's compassionate to myself AND to the toxic person to leave. They may not choose to take advantage of the chance for growth experiencing natural consequences provides, but who I am I to deny them the opportunity? 😉

[@glendaruiz2477]

Ofcourse the narcissistic parent knows what they are doing, they are demons in disguise, they come to inflict pain, suffering, tormenting us for years intentionally, when I finally found out my mother is a narcissist and that the narcissist parent don't love their children I got a panic attack and couldn't stop crying for weeks, it all made sense, like all the pieces from the puzzle came together and all came to light! I went through all the phases I felt upset, stupid for not knowing about narcissism back then in the 1980s, betrayed, sad, all different emotions, then I grieved and finally accepted I would never have a loving mother or family, and act as if she already died, and moved on, yes she took everything from me, but my father Jehovah God will never abandon me, and he has blessed me always, I forgive them but don't want them in my life ever again!! They know what they did to me!! And what goes around comes around!!

[@Lizliz223]

Amen and Jehovah is our righteous judge. He will vindicate his children!

[@dianacano780]

The really sad thing is when your abusers are JW’s, as mine were.. I’m grateful to be alive, have worked on my own self-healing for the majority of my life & broke that cycle of abuse by not torturing my child in the same manner

[@winning3329]

We are not supposed to say Gods name because it is sacred. One of the ten commandments says to not uses the lords name in vain

[@catspyjamas7944]

That is exactly what a psychologist once said to me: “she is a very dangerous woman.” The psychiatrist who later diagnosed me with CPTSD believes she is at the far end of the sociopathic spectrum (yep, psychopathy). After she would belt and hit us around the head she would often call one of her friends and you would hear a peal of merry laughter over some gossip they’d shared. Hurting her children gave her a high.

[@rachelgraham7810]

This hits home

[@cosmicstargazer10]

A very dangerous woman, dressed up as a sweet little lady. None of my peers that met her would believe me if I told them. I hear that, it gives them a thrill, I feel your pain. She died 8 years ago, but the pain lives on. She had me frequently wishing I was never born. I hope you're having a better time of it lately.

[@ellensunden2778]

Sounds EXACTLY like my mom. She gets the nastiest smirk/biggest grin on her face when she sees she's hurt me. I fully believe that she's getting a high off of harming me both physically and mentally...she's evil. And my dad just follows her lead for the sake of having "peace" in the house...

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Interesting. I don't think my parents have ever admitted anything to me. I said to my dad once "do you ever think how odd it is that you went to a psychiatric hospital with paranoid delusions and depression, twice, and yet I am the one who has emerged from this family narrative with the label of "paranoid" ??? And he stared back at me like id told a bad joke. No response. Nothing. My mother is never wrong. So if you're not reflecting back her perfect version of herself then you have to be mad/bad/sad or "detached from reality".

[@areuarealman7269]

I've got brain damage therefore I'll make you have brain damage is how I see abusers ....it's just revenge thru sons and daughters sort of like can I break my kids like I was broke ?Sure I can and that's why society is rage filled right now I imagine a hell of alot of baby boomers are weary of their own children...I'm sure one of mine is or doesn't care too the detriment or amusement of the rest of my ready made microwave whatever nuclear family...all of them are expert mask changers not any original anything just act according too conditioned responses it's funny if it wasn't sad .

[@foryou-ft8vf]

You can know you are right and they are very, very wrong in the way they treat you and others. God tells us to Love one another and how to treat people with patience and kindness, if you read the Bible you will find it and especially in the New Testament Jesus taught it. God has helped me to understand that we live in a very fallen world and there are many "evils" He does not like and that He will do away with completely one day. I have learned to distinguish clearly the wrong actions and the right actions of others. My confidence is in God. Hope this helps you.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

You nailed it!

[@pufpufpuffin]

Once, when my stepmom was trying to embarrass me with an old story, I got sick of it and called her out on hers and my dad’s behavior. Told her I was just a child and they were wrong to abuse me. She practically spat at me across the table “Well, someone had to take the blame!” It wasn’t until Grandma (her mom) gasped, she realized it was Christmas eve and we weren’t alone.

[@AthenaVelecta]

My mother sometimes said " I am your mother I have the right to mistreat you if I want to."

[@glendaruiz2477]

Same with my NM .

[@deborahcurtis1385]

Wow. Just wow!

[@ElevaTOURSbyRainMaves]

Same

[@Amoebatirith]

My parents fall into the last category of lack of personal responsibility. My dad was raised by an abusive father and he constantly told us "what I am doing to you is nothing compared to what my father did to me so what are you even complaining about?" My mom admitted that she had issues self regulating her emotions and just said "I'm sorry, but you guys would just make me so angry I couldn't help myself." My mom also expects us all to forgive and forget the past and just be a happy family because "I really do love you guys and miss you all." Because we're all limited contact with them. Spending any time with them is exhausting because I am on guard the entire time. It appears they have improved since I no longer live with them, but the way I have seen them treat each other, I know things would be just as bad if I still had to live with them. They only appear okay because I can limit the time I spend with them.

[@dj5180]

Told my mom I was struggling with PTSD from various things in my childhood including multiple sexual assaults. She’s always had this “joke” she does since I was a child where she’d poke my bum and laugh. It always gave me an ick. I’ve told her plenty of times I don’t like it. She hadn’t did it for some time and after I opened up to her about struggling with flashbacks, repressed memories coming up, nightmares of it happening again she started back doing it. I’m 29 years old. I again told her no and she says “you act like I’m touching you like that it’s just a joke”. That’s when I knew.

[@qq84]

And with that "joke" you know that she also supported the sexual abuse.

[@cacatr4495]

I truly hope you've gone No Contact from that heartless abuser. They are using your suffering as a way to make you suffer more. They are not to be trusted with your feelings or experiences, they are abusing you. Never tell that kind of thing to those who are not trustworthy, because they'll use it against you as your parent has. They are using you for their own sick entertainment. They will align themselves with every opportunity to oppose you, they are your enemy, a wolf in sheep's clothing. They are sick and evil, please get away from them and stay away from them.

[@untamed_tiger4457]

Being different behind closed doors, vs in public. Making sure you can’t access a phone to call 911. Constantly asking what you talk about with your therapist.

[@AnnK.-vu2yp]

“No access to a phone.” Yup. They locked the cordless phone in their bedroom. The only phone I was allowed to use was the corded phone in the open floor plan kitchen where they could monitor me. Also not allowed to have a cell phone. Bought a prepay phone at 17 - they regularly searched my room while I was at school and when they found the charger they cut it up.

[@Beginnerreadsthebible]

The "you have accomplished so much despite my actions" is a familiar one to me

[@lejci38]

I'll never forget the joy and smug expression on my "mother's" face when once I broke in tears in front of her cause I was so unhappy...she seemed overjoyed. And the conversations of insanity about food....geee, that is so well known. I bet many of us have or have had one or the other eating disorder ...to protect ourselves from their intrusing behaviour about everything about us and also cause of the confusion...on one hand they force us to eat and at the same time they imply that we are fat, unregulated, talking about how skinny they were when young and bla bla...

[@gracelewis6071]

Yep I will never ever ever forget the smug look on my Mother's face when she essentially finally "broke" me... ironically it was catching that look - and the fact that she tried to hide it from me - that ended up being a point of strength that has allowed me to begin to rebuild myself. Thank you for sharing this. It helped me see that memory in a little bit of a new light.

[@gracelewis6071]

And I also was subjected to the food control, which of course I immediately didn't eat as soon as I left the house. It helps a bit to see this maybe not even as an eating disorder, but as a natural and maybe even healthy (temporarily) reaction to the forced feeding.

[@lejci38]

@@gracelewis6071 Glad it helped...these memories keep coming back, don't they...but we see them more clearly now, before we were programmed to feel bad, have bad conscience, feeling shame or guilt if we even thought of them not wanting the best for us, of them being envious, jealous or evil...and they usualy keep tellingus, that they care, they love us, all the things that thy do and did for us...and here we are daring to doubt their motives.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I'm the scapegoat of my family and I have always been skinny due to anxiety and fear. I thought getting fat was impossible for me and it wasn't; I realized the first time I went away from them. I was the thinnest and the one who ate huge amounts of food but I couldn't gain an ounce. My mother was always pushing me to eat more and more (I guess she wanted me to be fat) but it was impossible due to the chronic stress.

[@AzazelsWings]

Omg, yes... " when I was your age I was much thinner.".... it blows my mind how they all use the same abusive lines no matter what continent they're on... that's so crazy.

[@timorthelame1]

Their constant denial of their own actions and how they act differently in front of others is proof positive that they know what they are doing is wrong.

[@maureenshaw737]

This names it all so well. My brother has a life-threatening peanut allergy, known since he was a toddler. So what did my mother do to control access to food in the home? Smeared peanut butter on the door handles. To this day people still buy her benign outward persona and the narrative that her adult children have neglected her.

[@icalotdonthide2646]

That's twisted. Three 'people'are demons.

[@zoemonarch9680]

When I was in my 40's I finally asked my mother why she treated me the way she did but not my brother. Previously she denied she'd treated us differently. She actually replied: "because you can take it". I didn't know what I was more shocked about - the fact that she finally admitted it, finally validating what I felt inside for years but she gaslit me for years denying my brother and I were treated differently which made me feel like I was going crazy..... or whether I was more shocked at the fact that she had known exactly what she was doing and singled me out specifically for the abuse. After that I felt sad to my core and I still feel sad about it and very messed up. I loved my mum even though she was a monster at times, but I feel so let down by her.

[@matilda4406]

i loved my mum despite the abuse. But when she passed the mourning was very brief. Giving birth means nothing to a woman's character, against popular opinion. Profound fact.

[@eurokay4755]

I'm pretty old, and your situation is the same one I have been living, exactly. I finally started noticing the pattern because as Mom aged, I think it became harder for her to remember to 'not say the quiet part out loud.' For example, I was stunned to learn about the trip she arranged for both my siblings and their families (plane tickets, vrbo, etc.), but only mentioned to me a few days before they all flew out together. She used the word 'invite,' but there was no chance my spouse or I could get the time off work on a few days' notice, and the tickets were outrageously expensive just days before the flight. Now, though, I'm the only one of her children caring for her as she is losing her mind to dementia. She put on the most compelling Mother Theresa act for decades, but she is losing the ability to hide that she's actually a vengeful, sad and extraordinarily petty person who fears losing the control she wrongly believed she had.

[@matilda4406]

@@eurokay4755 haha, interesting write up. Yeah, as they age they can not hold in what they have held in for so long. For good or for bad. I think my mum was actually nice underneath but she had to sway to culture and i do believe she regretted that just before she lost her mind. It can be too much too late. Live and learn. Don't repeat the same mistakes of our forebears.

[@eurokay4755]

@@matilda4406 I believe my mother has no core "self" and consequently, there's no actual person there to know or form a close, intimate relationship with. Her entire life has been about acting in concert with the expectations/wishes of whomever she felt beholden to/responsible to/judged by. None of these categories applied to me, therefore, her actions toward me were motivated not by her actualaffection or regard for me as a person. I didn't actually exist outside of being a reflection of her. Her actions were motivated by what others expected of her: my father, my teachers, her social group, etc. I became the scapegoat when I got the graduate degree she lacked, developed a career and colleagues (rather than a "garden club" or bridge group) and especially when she began to hear about me having professional relationships with people inside her social group. How dare I? I must be doing something dodgy and suspect, spreaking with these people about her and our family, and I must be shunned from the family. She not only revealed the depth of her personal insecurity, but also telegraphed exactly what she was actually doing: tearing me down , disparaging me to her friends and others, while outwardly continuing to act the part of the sweet granny. As we agree, she's now simply unable to keep track of the stories she's told to others, so she's frequently "caught" in the trap of deception she built herself. You are exactly right: identify the pattern, change it for yourself and your own children, face the truth squarely and bravely, and try to improve as beat you can each day, in kindness and love for what is right and good, rejecting falsehood and darkness, especially when it's tempting and comforting not to do so.

[@matilda4406]

@@eurokay4755 I have a sister just like your mum. Just as you say, they cant keep up with their stories and control tactics over others throughout the years. We have a huge family and there is no way she can keep up with the manipulation over everyone, it;s impossible and out of reach. Also they make less and less sense. It hard to know whether to laugh or cry.

[@MoteOfDust430]

"I never had a father so you're certainly not going to get one either". As I age I wonder if it wasn't all a big competition for him

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

so painful.

[@marshfilm]

I told my mom that I realized that my 'anxiety problems' started earlier in life than I previously thought.... So she took to social media to post 'how it's a sin when your children ruin their lives with drugs and then later try to blame the parents'. Holy smokes I was mad... but I successfully repressed my anger so as not to further provoke her into a public shaming of me. (I smoke marijuana btw... which has greatly helped me not lose my shit on her over the years... that's the drug by which I'm a druggy). Clarity.

[@Bronte866]

Do whatever helps you manage, little fawn.

[@JanetSnakehole28]

It's hard to deal with the lack of any kind of meaningful justice. Like, I want to see them lose everything & have to face a judge in court for what they did, but it'll never happen. I guess one tiny bit of justice is that I've completely wrecked their plans for my future (unpaid old age carer) that I was groomed for from primary school age. We're an investment/retirement plan that they spent decades working on & when we go no contact, it all goes out the window. Sounds awful to say, but I'm so thankful for the pandemic, as it was the ultimate wakeup call, as the way they behaved during what felt like the apocalypse chipped away the last bit of false hope I had that they'd ever change.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

I hear ya 😥 thanks for sharing part of your story

[@jennydoucette2538]

wow, me too. taking care of the narc abusive parent. what you said totally resonates with me! feeling guilty this morning b/c i cant make it to his house in the wind and snow, nor make it back. none of these people ever thought twice about totally inconveniencing ME, and it was always disrespectful--no apologies ever.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I understand the law of cause and effect but I can't believe in the so called karma since they look inmune to theirs.

[@kitsmith693]

I was the one selected to carry the skivvy baton. The one who can do chores to help the widowed parent. Shopping, mowing lawns, changing bedding, taking the buns out etc. as one parent got sick (he’d done all chores) I was being summoned ! I was ordered to arrange his funeral on the day he died. All of other siblings were told to make a final visits 48 hours before. I was given 2 hours notice to visit. He died before I arrived, which was clearly deliberate. All kicked off after the funeral, one ice cold email from my mother was the final straw. She wasn’t thinking about her chores, no chance that my siblings will do them. She’s never put a bin out in her life or done grocery shopping .....unlike the rest of us

[@matilda4406]

Yes, the pandemic was a blessing in disguise for many...

[@sarahkeling7124]

My mom told me it's because I had the audacity to grow up and become an independent adult. My sister who is the "golden child" is incredibly dependent on them at 26 despite living in another town...they still go up there and buy her groceries and won't allow her to drive anywhere outside the town....and of course they bought her that car too.

[@AmyMichelleMosier]

I'll be living in a converted van soon and my parents are paying my older sister's electric bills. No idea why.

[@ST-yc7uj]

She is in the golden cage.

[@MaKu-d5f]

"You're mom is mentally ill. That's not a problem. Your reaction to her abuse is a problem. You need to get rid of that" That hit me hard.

[@ellensunden2778]

Same here! When I go "grey rock" in an effort to defend myself and get some peace in my life, she attacks by saying that I "must be on drugs" or "oh, your thyroid is acting up again". She always comes up with an alternate reason why I won't speak to her. To her, there is something wrong with me and nothing at all wrong with her. Sadly, my dad enables her behavior by sitting by and doing nothing when she attacks me, and then tells her that her abusive actions towards me were okay so that she won't turn her abuse on him.

[@lalabyelulu4021]

One of my elders said to me "we'll be nice to you if you (fill in the blank). That's when I knew that they knew exactly what they were doing. I eventually went no contact.

[@andersdottir1111]

My mother was angry and dissatisfied with her ‘lot’; I think she realised by abusing me it made her ‘feel’ better. Sick and twisted, I know, but that is what she did. She would get creative in ways to abuse me and it was always a way to regulate her anger. Awful awful woman.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Yes - it makes them FEEL better - when they abuse their children

[@hadoke]

The reason I knew when my parents were well aware of how abusive they were is when as an adult I called them both out on it and in response my mother threatened to sue me. That was the very first thing. No gaslighting, no arguing, no deflecting just straight up, "If you tell anyone about us I'm going to sue you for every single thing you own." it's been nearly two years since I've seen either of them and I could not be any happier.

[@cacatr4495]

Wow, they admitted it.

[@Vekktoria]

It was a circled conversation but it came to the point where I told my mother "You hit me" to her reply was "what did you do to deserve it? You did something to make me hit you" initially blaming me for her chosen actions. This is how I know she knew what she was doing. But psychologically flipped the script, and left me concluding I had control in her not abusing me, therefore, my precursor to "people pleasing"

[@ellyk8834]

That is how we are trained from birth and condemned to live until we come out of the FOG.

[@Roseyla]

My mother did something like this, too. I had behavioral issues growing up for a variety of reasons, but I wasn't a "bad" kid. My mother called me a monster, once, and I brought this up with her several times over my adult life and she would deny, and when I got her to accept, she then asked, "How old were you?" as if my age had anything to do with how my mother treated me. Whenever I asked to be treated better, she would attack my language behind that, instead of apologizing and changing her ways.

[@JustaComment93]

Told that to my dad. He said the same. So I hit him back. Then acted like I didn’t remember 😂

[@stevensvideosonyoutube]

I feel like no matter what I said or did, my parents always justified inflicting abuse on me.

[@miketesla8550]

Because they are demons in human form !

[@qq84]

They're criminals, nothing else.

[@teresafraser3049]

The Pandemic is a blessed gift !!! It allowed everyone to show their true colors!!! Many people I know are now choosing to walk away from Narcassists wether they are Parents...Siblings....Friends...or Boss's Amen 🙏

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

A) Please, PLANdemic. And no, it cost a LOT of people their lives. B) yes in some ways, the plandemic helped see peoples' fears over faith and the selfishness grew exponential. For me however, since I am a healthcare "zero" and disabled, I cannot go out and make my own family, and it's a hard and lonely place, especially if you are physically needing now. So perhaps for you but please be careful -- a lot of people lost a lot due to draconian measures and the mandates.

[@helen2U]

but she does have a point, my parents took my eyes out over money they sent me that's just one example, it did show what ppl are about, yes it was a plandemic; I am just as alone as you so I hope there's going to be an improvement for you and me in those areas@@Jennifer-gr7hn

[@RealLadi228]

So true!

[@RealLadi228]

​@@Jennifer-gr7hn Many things took place good bad and ugly especially death...this is from a spiritual perspective

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@Jennifer-gr7hn AMEN!! PLANDEMIC INDEED!! THEY PLANNED IT DECADES IN ADVANCE.

[@yagushka]

My mum always told me that she will never help me when I have children because nobody ever helped her and why should I have a better life than her?

[@bridaw8557]

Even if they never voiced it directly they let you know in a very subtle way only a child can read who has been acutely aware of her way for survival.

[@Barbara_Banks_1]

Great video. It’s a widely accepted myth, that all parents love their children. This myth is what’s enabled abusive parents to continue their abuse. Just like the ideology that all mothers are natural nurturers is false. Thank you for your much needed work. God Bless you.

[@REJ5557]

My mother failed to spot I had a broken wrist after I fell on ice. Despite my screams of pain she chose to ignore the injury until the following day when she took me to hospital (after she’d taken my siblings to school and waited for my father to leave for work). At the hospital, she said that if I told the doctors I’d broken my wrist the day before, then the doctors would tell social services who would come and take me and my brothers away. She said, ‘you don’t want to be responsible for that now do you?’ I lied to the doctors, and to my father when he came home. He smacked me around the back of my head for causing my mum to disrupt her day. They both knew what they were doing. I was 7 years old when I learned that. Later in life, my younger sister (born after the above incident) said this to me, ‘me and mum loved you better when you were weaker, we could do anything we liked to you and there was nothing you could do about it.’ My mother clearly taught my sister well. They always know what they are doing.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

that's heartbreaking Ruth. sorry you had to endure such horrific neglect and abuse.

[@eurokay4755]

They know exactly what they're doing, and they know it's wrong, or they wouldn't require that you help them to conceal it. Most of their mental energy is spent rationalizing and justifying it. From a safe distance, I enjoy simply stating, in a straightforward way, what I call "things that have happened." When you recite verbatim the abusive things they said or did, in context, without editorializing or explaining, they cannot take it. The expressions on their faces when confronted with a dry, factual report of their conduct is their nightmare. It's worse when you can do it completely without emotion because then, they know: you see them and their lunacy clearly and you are emotionally untouched by it, therefore, you can choose your response.

[@rotarydial000]

Oh my god this exact same thing happened to me too! I broke my hand when I was 11. It was black and blue on both sides and I couldn’t pick anything up. It was two weeks before she took me to the doctor and she only did it because the people at school put pressure on her. She also said “if you tell anyone they’ll take you away” all the time! Ugh it’s so scary and yucky to think about it now as an adult.

[@eurokay4755]

@@rotarydial000 I'm so sorry this happened to you, but it sounds so familiar! I was much older before I realized the dynamic. For me, it's my mother and older brother that form the alternative reality for each other. Often, they decide I'm the "problem" they need to address. It runs the gamut from name-calling to "forgetting" to invite me to family functions. When I finally figured out that taking the unissued invite as an opportunity to plan an amazing vacation of my own, rather than a personal insult, the tables suddenly turned. Mom was so flummoxed by my apparent lack of concern and ready, alternate plans that her malicious intent was obvious: she wanted me to be upset, hurt and lonely. She had no idea what to do with casual acceptance of being excluded and existing alternate plans ("Oh, I have plans for that week, so no, I won't be there.") Never mind that the plans are for a couple of evenings only - they're with people whose company I value and who value my company enough to make inclusive plans. A couple of bouts of this tells your "family " exactly what priority you place on being the lowest, last consideration in their planning. They made the choice, they told you where you fall in their planning - you're simply responding accordingly.

[@rotarydial000]

@@eurokay4755 Oh my God, that is absolutely ludicrous! I’m so angry on your behalf!! That’s just absurd! When we were teenagers I would invite my middle sister to hang out with me all the time and she always said no, so eventually I stopped inviting her and I got in trouble! My mom said I was being a bad sister and had to keep inviting her even though she clearly did not want to hang out with me, because it’s “the right thing to do.” Fast forward, this same sister bailed on my baby shower the night before which I flew half way across the country so it would be easier for HER, and my mom just brushed it off and said oh it’s just hard for her to travel, don’t take it personal. Then I found out she had a birthday party for her daughter and didn’t invite me, but invited my other sister. I got the guts to ask her if she was mad at me, and she got super angry and told me she’s tired of me asking her that. And I said, well I noticed I wasn’t invited to the birthday party and I want you to know that if I did something to offend you I want to make it right. She just completely stonewalled me saying she didn’t have time for the conversation and now I’m getting the silent treatment. I completely understand that damned if you do-damned if you don’t feeling when absolutely no one has your back, ever, and it’s the true definition of crazy-making.

[@annaec1822]

They wouldn't lie, gaslight you and pretend in front of others if they weren't aware it's wrong.

[@shannonobrien2572]

My mother got all worried what I might tell my therapist when I started therapy at age 22. She told me, “I know I was an awful mother. I yelled at you all the time.”

[@sunnybright8206]

At least she admitted it. My mom doesn’t seem to have the acceptance part in her

[@joannefoster4947]

Thirty five years ago, aged 22, I said to my parent, "I could take you to court for what you've done to me". Her response "you're not clever enough". She's passed away.

[@fuzbugg]

how do u cope with the feeling of being utterly alone in the world? after leaving

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Learn how to work with the inner child. Check out my other video on the Key to recovery from scapegoat child abuse

[@betinansi201]

The truth is that we have been ALL ALONE ALL these years. Just that now its official.

[@chelseahasflowers]

​@@betinansi201 🤯 this! So sad and so true💜😥

[@betinansi201]

@@chelseahasflowers yes it is thanks.😭😭

[@MJS2376]

Learn Focusing (Eugene Gendlin): as scapegoats we endured years of parental betrayal which we internalized and at least for a time, caused us to betray ourselves. Focusing helps us find our child who betrayed and re-parent her/him.

[@DHW256]

"I know I wasn't the 'best mother'" was our mother's admission. Could she have been worse? Are statements like, "I love you but don't like you" or "I wish you were dead and in hell!" tolerable? How 'bout forcing me to sit on my bed while she snapped a broken rubber band from a vacuum cleaner against my bare legs, 'til welts covered both of my thighs? Or calling me a hypochondriac -- "causing it to happen" -- when my eyes would swell shut from allergen exposure? These incidents were fairly routine. Growing up in that environment, it was difficult to learn the difference between discipline and abuse, but I was eventually blessed. I married a wonderful, loving, warm woman with whom I raised two children, and I came to realize there was no real discipline in our childhood home: nearly all our mother's actions were rooted in some sort of abuse. I walked away after the murder of our father and left it up to her to maintain our relationship. The closest she got was continuing to tear me down to her friends, and treat me as the scapegoat "en absentia". Ironically, it was her darling child who gave her COVID, which took her life. My heart aches for what she gave up, for what she could have had but chose to neglect.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

I got the "I Fk'd up! I was a HORRIBLE mother".....with enraged sarcasm. The parents cover for each other too. I didn't get it until later....

[@simpletruths5322]

My mother had a ‘look’ a stare that she would use on me, she bragged about this to others how she didn’t have to hit us - she would give ‘the look’. I now realise ‘ the look’ is the expression of contempt, I learned this after watching a professional body language expert showing a photo of the expression of contempt, narrowed eyes and screwed up face!! I almost passed out and felt sick when I realised my whole life The face I saw on my mother was a look of contempt towards me!! What mother looks at her daughter with contempt??

[@ellyk8834]

What mother looks at her daughter with contempt? Answer - Narcissistic sociopath ones.

[@BloomingBriars]

Mine

[@AlexShiro]

A broken one.

[@Flowergirl222]

My parents are both malignant narcissists. My mom has come out and said they were horrible parents, and then laughed about it. So she didn’t directly admit the abuse, but she admitted to knowing she is culpable but finds it funny how terribly she failed, which is horrifying. After going no contact I have realized they both know exactly what they’re doing and I had been gaslighting myself into thinking they couldn’t help it all along. It is completely bizarre to reflect on how evil it truly is. If you’re in a situation where people are hurting you, LEAVE if you can, and don‘t look back. They know what they’re doing.

[@Hydrocarbonateable]

Had a boss who was also styled as a father figure, esp since his kids were going away to college and no longer available for supply (and I look young). He would have these irrational and incoherent blow ups from time to time about something invisible and one day long into this relationship I yet again told him it wasn't acceptable to act like that, I was scared, could he please stop, and apparently I cornered his illogical brain just right because he squeezed his eyes shut and spat out, "But you hurt my feelings!" I forget exactly what I said but at that moment I realized, He treats me this way because he believes that if he's been hurt, he gets to react however he wants to the other person. That was the big eye opener for me. It wasn't just panic attacks or genuine lack of emotional understanding but with respect still attached. It was a sincerely held belief and concerted effort to believe I was evil and punish me for it. Even though I never could get it of him what I'd supposedly done. Oh, yeah, and this is a guy who would be belligerent for an hour at a time but insisted that because he wasn't "yelling," it couldn't possibly be scary, intimidating, or inappropriate. What a piece of work.

[@Queen-of-Swords]

My mother said quite a few times that she was "unable" to love other people, and only loved herself. This was always a pity play because she wanted me to feel sorry for her. I did. Until I finally learned what narcissism was. Then I realised what she was saying was the literal definition of narcissism. I learned the hard way you must never confront them, you will suffer the torments of the damned if you tell them they are narcissistic. This was very wounding to my mother. She had done some kind of starter course in counselling, and signed up for the proper thing. In the first couple of weeks they had to look at their own lives and childhoods. She quit. She wouldn't talk about what had happened at all. So I gather it wasn't the first time she had been told.

[@whatevernice3452]

Damn! Your mother really DID admit it! Ouch!😔 I feel for you. My own mother told me that "only Jesus can love unconditionally, and that she can only love conditionally". I thought to myself "that's not an excuse!" But I eventually cut ties with my whole family, because they didn't vouch for me.

[@smoozerish]

yep, same thing happened to my narc mother. She went to a women's healing group and she said she couldn't open up and felt like a stone. She said they were all breaking down in tears and she felt nothing. I knew then that something was really messed up in her. No contact had to be done after years of abuse.

[@kino7539]

@@whatevernice3452nope, not an excuse. They love using religion as a cover up for their bad behavior.

[@beefy222]

I always got the “she’s your mother, just forgive her”, “I see how your mom hurts you”, your mother was abused she doesn’t know how else to be. On the other hand my mother would say “you didn’t get it that bad at least you weren’t raped as a child”. I’d rather have no parents.

[@beefy222]

And what she refuses to acknowledge is that I was sexually abused as a kid.

[@birdfriendsforever]

😮 “The conversation of insanity” that’s the perfect description.

[@kmoon50]

I think the main thing they VALUE... is..... CONTROL. ( not necessarily drama, etc... ). But for me... it was , is, just... CONTROL.

[@lolo9553ify]

The heads of my household would drill into me privately that I was 'rotten', 'coward', 'garbage', 'failure', etc. I didn't tell on them out of loyalty and the belief that I was those things. After all, why would they say it if it wasn't true? They also told me, "What will other people do when they find out what you're really like?" Far from seeing this as a manipulative way to keep me quiet about what they were saying and doing, I thought, oh my gosh, they're right - I better not get too close or spend too much time with anyone because they'll find out what my parents know about me. They were communal and covert and did many good deeds and had good solid reputations. I was regarded as the spoiler or the dud of the bunch, a loss on the balance sheets. This online community taught me that this was abuse. I couldn't call it that until I started to learn about npd and scapegoating in families. They scapegoated me and the effects have lasted a lifetime. It's never too late though to get wise and reinvigorate yourself, to get out and get living. Thanks.

[@SamStone1964]

Yes having a life (not filled with hatred and resentment) is the best revenge.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

I went the other way - I NEVER believed the lies. I would scream out to any and every one for help - teachers, 'friends,' ....no one cared or helped. That went from childhood all the way through adulthood during my hardest times like...dying and being left for dead in 2020. I don't know which on is worse. Both come out messed up. :(

[@lolo9553ify]

@@Jennifer-gr7hn Both are pretty bad, I grant you. It's horrible to cry for help and not be answered and it's awful to be forced to stay silent as well. I've experienced both too. Neither is good. All we can do is make this our time.

[@hmmcinerney]

When I was 12-14 I asked my mother why she didn’t like me, she answered ‘I don’t know I just don’t. Fast forward 50 years and my elder sister is carrying it on. Last night I discovered she is going around telling lies about me to everyone we know.

[@ellenlovesmusic1]

Coming across you and your stuff is really helping me out. I am 62 yo scapegoat, went no contact for many years and to date... family doesnt mean what it means to other people. I was wary and afraid all the time.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you.

[@ellensunden2778]

Family isn't always blood, and a true home is with those who treat you with dignity and respect, caring and compassion. Always, always pay attention to who is there for you in your darkest times...and who can't be bothered to care. That will tell you all you need to know about who your "true" family is...

[@cloudmountaindog8537]

This whole thing is like awakening out of a nightmare when sometimes many decades later, your eyes are forced open like in Clockwork Orange, to just how blatantly evil these people are. Truly. I’ve always been aware that they had serious issues, but wow … And now how to proactively get away from it … 😳

[@lavintella]

My late mom once told me, while laying on her hospital bed, suffering badly from a relapse of her cancer, "See, I have been well punished for all I have done to you." Actually, I was deeply sad to see her so weak and sick, but it was one of the few times that she kinda acknowledged her past (very) abusive behavior.

[@proudscorpio46]

Oh how this makes my stomach twist.

[@NickM_FirstofHisName]

If it was mine, I'd cut the pain medication

[@alatea4068]

The male parent admitted that he knew he was abusing me, by saying that he "ruined me". The female parent never admitted anything, never took any responsibility. She had so many excuses when I confronted her, and finally, when she felt cornered, she said "I was too concerned about my own well-being to be even thinking about yours", and that pretty much sums it up. Unlike you, I find it easy to understand the mental space of both of my parents, as I had to learn to anticipate their individual and joint pathological patterns in order to survive. What was way harder for me was to delineate who I am as a person beyond that, especially since they both treated me as a property or an object. Great videos, btw, and well done for being open about these topics!!!

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thanks for sharing and for the lovely feedback

[@Dobermanmomma]

After years of denial the abusive mother finally admitted she lives in a delusional fantasy where she can believe anything she wants. So, it validated the insanity I experienced while I was a child. It finally made sense of why she would insist she was such a good mother when that certainly was not the case. Its sad. I can finally see her as a very sick person now even though I knew this before it was hard to accept since she is a master manipulator.

[@JoelLessing]

My mom once cursed the grandchildren, not realizing the VHS/VCR camera was running. My wife and I saw it a few months later. Eventually, I confronted my mom about her behavior during the Christmas Holiday and offered to show her the tape. She turned beet red, grabbed the tape, then smashed it on the floor, and pulled out the plastic tape, ripping it to shreds. Then she denied there was anything on the tape! Lol….

[@OnlyOneName]

Wow!

[@AlexShiro]

Reality cuts huh?

[@Aliwali-ez9yd]

I remember my dad joking about how anxious me made my brother by intentionally making him late for something he said it was so funny to see my brother dancing on his toes begging to leave the house. My dad used to block me from leaving the house and intentionally make me late for school. The only way i could survive my teenage years was to try not to care about anything

[@PureEnergyEntertainment]

My mom said, " I am your mother I can say and do whatever i want to you" When i was 38 and just had my first child, and a stroke. Out of trying to protect my mental health and my life at that point i said, "No you cant, not if its gonna hurt me, not anymore" She left and I havent seen her or had a relationship with her in 2 years. Ive learned this is her way to keep control and continue to "hurt" me since i wouldnt allow her to do it directly anymore. If she only understood the joy and peace ive found from breaking that trauma bond with ALL my family. ❤

[@cacatr4495]

They are so unwell!

[@natural3362]

Whenever confronted with the monsters, they deny and again they will attack by bringing up our wrongdoing in the past ( diversion) No contact is the best way to deal with monsters

[@kellychuba]

My step dad and I made up before he died. He knew giving me the silent treatment destroyed my spirit, he said he just couldn't help himself and since my mother never intervened, he assumed he had permission. Scapegoat shout out.

[@hearsayfiles]

she would project her own complete incapability of empathy on me (my child doesnt solve my needs wants problems) but ignore my broken arm on me for weeks and mental help, these folks are insane

[@nancybartley4610]

Actions speak louder than words is a way we know we are being abused. If a person does something that is the complete opposite of what a loving person would do, they are telling you in the action how they feel about you. They know it is wrong because any intelligent, feeling person would know it is wrong. They don't have to speak words.

[@tarp11z]

I think it's important to remember that child abuse is also a type of abandonment... just like abandonment is a type of child abuse. Some kids get both.

[@PurplePinkRed]

The fact that these people can "compartmentalise" and treat others with the greatest respect proves that they absolutely do know what they are doing. Example: My mother continually treats my brother better than me. My mother would speak to other children much more nicely that to me as a child (even just general conversations). I think they are so used to their pattern of behaviour and justifying it that they believe they are "correct" in what they are doing. Just my thoughts based on my personal experience.

[@ankurdave7784]

Yup. Been there done that. They give others VIP treatment and treat us like a toilet bowl. If others say something, they’ll respect the person and talk normally. If we say something, they’ll just put us down, either in subtle ways or in more overt ways. The thing is society SUPPORTS and ENABLES their putrid and atrocious behavior towards us, and we can’t do anything about it unless we’re willing to cut ties and break relationships with them or others who hurt us. It’s easier said than done. We need others and we also need solitude. I wish I could just live by myself and have no responsibilities besides earning my bread and butter, do what I want, when I want….but not really. We still want relationships and families. It’s tough. I’ve been estranged from my parents 7 years but have a wife and son.