8 Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style

[@Psych2go]

Hey Guys, Don't forget about our other channel at Psych2go Education, our advice channel kzbin.info/www/bejne/p4bdd6aVbJhlrNk Looking forward to connecting with all of you

[@flying_shark6950]

Thx for the new vid!!!

[@StarDust-yx1lj]

@@flying_shark6950 we need more attachment style videos!! Much love ❤️💖💖

[@lilyzemengist8091]

Guess I'll ask again and again . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Can ya'll make videos about the psychological effects of racism? Also, could ya'll recommend some black/African American psychologist for some of us to reach out to, thanks.

[@G.F.SF55]

Thank you for this interesting video, I really find some matches in my behavior. If not for your work, I wouldn't even notice them🤗

[@kevincabras5612]

Will you ever do a video about stuttering?

[@morningnapalm9963]

It's like wanting to love and interact with others, but interacting with them subconsciously triggers your flight/fight responsive.

[@nelodypond9282]

Exactly

[@theweirdsider]

Yep...

[@la5369]

Perfectly said.

[@speaktruth9989]

Yes exactly

[@squidaker]

I crave a relationship but feel weak or inferior for having emotions therefore relationships don't work out.

[@zinganeatsr4011]

“Hey honey, why don’t you ever invite your friends over for your birthday?” Me: “Idk man we’ve only known each other for like 3 years.”

[@sleepyontime5513]

Right? Like the only people I’d let in are those who’ve known me AND my parents for like 3+ years.

[@Project199x]

Lmfaooooo. The accuracy.

[@MaddesG1]

lmfao

[@evansheehan9258]

“I doubt they’d like to hangout either way.”

[@bizbitmişizabi]

@@sleepyontime5513 nice profile pic...

[@vanillamatcha1125]

It's so ironic because I love the idea of being in a secure relationship with a loving partner but when anyone shows the slightest interest in me I completely retract out of fear of being vulnerable and intimate and convince myself I don't like them without even giving them a chance. I'm literally sabotaging my own life.

[@gsht5839]

You recognize it. You can fix it. And no shame in getting professional assistance. Wish you the best. Stay positive

[@vanillamatcha1125]

@@gsht5839 tysm!! i plan on getting a therapist once I'm financially secure and in the mean time read up more on how I can deal with it in a healthy way :)

[@sarahhadley7630]

100% the same

[@sciao7062]

Same...

[@helenanimocks]

I do that a bit. In the past I’ve had lots of crushes, but now that I’m old enough and have met people through dating apps, once it comes down to them actually liking me back and getting close to a relationship, I get scared or uncomfortable. I’m talking to a great guy right now, I’m just scared I won’t end up liking him as much as I want to.

[@BenBenBenBenBenBenBenBenBenB3n]

The shallow relationship one hit WAY too close to home. When I look at the people around me, I see degrees of such intense closeness that are apparently a thing, but that I couldn't even imagine for myself, and I struggle (to not say I am unable) to understand how people create such ties. It makes me jealous and angry at the same time; I want to experience intimate friendships and relationships myself, and yet I am downright disgusted by what I hear/see from other people who are close to one another. "How the hell can you bear talking about such things?! It's no one's business!" kind of deal. I hate it, and it's one of the few reasons I've always felt like I'm a weird human being.

[@ananas_6029]

I have one really close friendship in my life and still I can’t explain how. It just happened ? We hung out a lot ? Obviously there a psychological stuff underneath but that’s how it felt. And well you have clearly different feelings (which is completely fine!) to me cause I can’t imagine thinking “it’s no one’s business”. Like learning stuff about the other person that’s not my business (in the sense of I don’t actually physically need to know it) is what makes me understand the person and like them and maybe try to help them with their problems or just show that I’m there for them (or just get a laugh out of a random story). In return I like having someone I trust enough to share silly or serious things.

[@kevinjosephcapistrano4315]

Whoa... And to have someone else write stuff I thought only I was feeling... Cool... Feels reassuring that I'm not alone on this. And at the same time, I understand that how you got to this way of thinking will have to remain none-of-my-business. Now I'm not sure what to do with knowing there are actually other people like us. Hahaha 😅

[@BenBenBenBenBenBenBenBenBenB3n]

@@kevinjosephcapistrano4315 I personally suffer from these things, so my approach is to try and figure out how to be more "normal". Since there are other people like us, there should be people who found solutions, right?

[@Savitar.2020]

I'm glad I'm not the only one

[@jrelevates1574]

Same

[@shovel5526]

I feel so uncomfortable when someone tries to be intimate w me but I crave it in my head it’s good but the execution of it makes me feel horrible, MAN

[@AquarianValkari]

Thissss man. I can't tell, you many times I've downloaded and deleted dating apps because I want to be with someone but I just can't be with someone

[@MirthCap]

I guess what we see in people when we grew up feel disingenuous and not permanent. Feels painful by conflicting with these things. Have to practice or still searching the right way to fully express the true you. Still practicing though. :')

[@acharich]

@@AquarianValkari wow, I hope u heal.. ❤

[@MariMV7]

Same. Been single for years and probably will always be... I have never felt a safe and real connection ever. Don't even know how to flirt, or date in general. In my head I think about what I crave but I understand it will always be only in my head. Everything is always just too complicated.

[@atgc47kd71]

Yeah its paradoxical .in our life logic is only instrument we can use .emotion is gonner. If you ask me do you know happiness, I say don't know ,love what is that ,do yo feel sad I say don't know and so one .any emotionally related question is blank to me .if you ask me who am I, I would say I don't know.

[@kaloric]

i told my mom i was an introvert, and her response was "no you're not." okay mother, i guess im not an introvert now. truly, thank you for enlightening me.

[@theagajic1501]

Same here 😭

[@ashleythehooman]

Same. I also told her that I've social anxiety but she's like why don't you talk to people. She doesn't understand that it's hard for me.

[@aaaaaaaafjjdjs]

being an introvert isnt even bad

[@kaloric]

@@aaaaaaaafjjdjs to my mom's logic, "being an introvert will get you no where."

[@ely.lingss]

@@aaaaaaaafjjdjs i wasn't psychologically prepared to find a nctzen here 😭

[@xqzvz]

For me it’s complicated. I love the fantasy of a relationship, I want to open up to someone, I want to be emotionally attached, but I’m so isolated from everyone that I can’t even communicate with others. My voice fails me and I can’t even talk to my friends sometimes. And because of that I’ve resorted to online friendships because it’s the only way I can open up and be social :/

[@nessauk2786]

I'm the same ...its difficult isn't it.

[@xqzvz]

@@nessauk2786 it definitely is.

[@pensivex4250]

have you sought out a therapist? they can help you work through this and/or see if your attachment style has something to do with a mental illness as well

[@cleanchannel3029]

YES!

[@yasmineatouani6873]

This sounds like anxious avoidant

[@lmho0254]

I think another reason why avoidant attachment style exists is social bullying. As for me, I've been socially bullied before (talked about, left out, randomly ditched/not talked to, etc.) so when you start to develop another friendship, you feel like that you can't open up because you don't want that to happen again. You weigh your words, you carefully decide what to share and what to keep to yourself, and whenever I make a mistake, I'm worried that I was too vulnerable/emotional. I always wanted to be more cold and careless so I could build a wall for people who think they can get to me. I never liked naturally being an emotional person, since it made me feel like I was weak and naïve. I'm better now, with some exceptions of my weak points. Social bullying has taken a pretty big toll on me, but I'm happy to work to the ground up now. :)

[@DggamerK]

This

[@Potato-me4wu]

I can understand u in childhood then my family n recently the social circle I get into in office they show that they are being just frnd but they try to slightly harm u slowly slowly in disguise of relationship I hate connection but yeah I feel alone at same time I feel maybe m self victimizing maybe m thinking too much they aren't like that but yeah it later harm me more badly believing them even I say something with right intention my intention are judged badly it seems they are so bad self that they judge me as same as them this world make me realise it better to be alone peacefully then interacting with them romantic love scares me frndship scares me family scares me sorry that it seems so depressing for ppl who reading this but yeah hard to carry such life who just depicted weakly

[@ghost-gi9er]

No I get this! Kids wouldn’t talk to me or include me when I tried so I learned to detach first and not try to connect. It’s hard to unlearn, I wish you luck!

[@gabyzz1331]

exactly this whenever i unknowingly let out something cheezy id feel terrible for days im not really sure how to fix this but i hope i manage to do it

[@ninamo4465]

Yes.

[@nehemyah6986]

Alternate title. Being personally attacked by a person with a soothing voice for 5 minutes and 20 seconds

[@Psych2go]

we never mean it that way!

[@nehemyah6986]

@@Psych2go I know, I just get caught off guard sometimes😭

[@midnightsarrow160]

The majority of their vids 's same--- A bit late but same nonetheless

[@ExpandLove]

Its okayyy...

[@eunheeoh3265]

I like to agree HAHAHA

[@SlayerOfTheDamned]

If there’s no one close to me, then there’s no one that can hurt me. But I hurt myself while simultaneously protecting myself.

[@ivysmith4206]

this one, oof yes

[@frog6054]

Don't worry I will protect you

[@JB-oo1fg]

Same, i dont want to get hurt but then at the same time you never know what youre going to get, could be pain, could be happiness, but one way or another, we get through it and maybe whats out there makes it all worth it, i guess its the same situation essentially - you have painful moments but you have safe moments and happy moments too. Im afraid to get hurt and while i know my feelings and anxiety are valid, my brain still gives me too much fear when it doesnt have to, but im trying to find a way to change my mindset. I dont want the fear to stop me from living my life, doing the things i want to do and experincing this happiness. But it can be so hard sometimes even though its easy for others. I wish we didnt have to hurt so much from these things, sometimes you just want a bit of rest from it all. Sorry for going off on a tangent lmao but i guess I wanted a way to get these thoughts out and im kind of dumping them here. I guess we get hurt regardless, but we can always find something or someone or even ourselves (or reply to a youtube comment like yours truly) that can help us get through it and get to the good moments so i wish you a lot of happiness. Im just gonna talk in the kind of way i wish people would speak to me, i dont really even care about it at this point. I hope you're not being too hard on yourself, dont be too harsh to yourself okay? Love you

[@ittselli3245]

too relatable, stop lmao

[@hotstuff6131]

Well you have to start somewhere. Even if it is uncomfortable the first few times, it will get better. There is no guarantee that there won't be any pain, on fact, there will most likely be a few painful moments, but it gets much easier after that.

[@KShih]

Who else wants videos on the other attachment styles?

[@UnlimitedFlyers]

Yes, please! Pretty please?

[@royizzy9684]

YES PLEASE!!! I would love that!!!❤️

[@RY-os9vw]

I do

[@mchutao942]

Yes

[@titinrijadi9543]

Me

[@yadwig]

I wasn't neglected in my childhood, on the contrary, I was overly protected. My parents worried too much about me and were blaming me for worrying them. So I've always been keeping my pain, physical and emotional, inside. I struggle to tell about how I feel even to a doctor. I either try to cover up any issue with jokes, or feel like I'm gonna cry if I'm trying being serious. It's all the same even if I'm just telling a doctor that my stomach hurts. This video helped me to realize the cause of my behavior. And actually O collected a bingo of symptoms shown here...

[@bridgetbaber8718]

I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I understand where you are coming from as I have been there myself. I highly suggest talking to someone about these feelings you’re having, counseling has really helped me to sort out my emotions and learn how to handle them properly. Good luck on your journey.

[@ryleyallen185]

Yeah that's the one, gotta love feeling like a liability so you grow too independent and detached!!

[@flowerbloom5782]

Same. My parents were so protective and that can cause stunted emotion and self discovery.

[@tuftela]

That is emotional neglect too. You didn't get the emotional support you needed, and no mature adults handling their own feelings as rolemodels on how you could later handle your own feelings and responses. That is also neglectful.

[@lavish_nk2465]

You just described how I feel so perfectly 😭

[@melomewo3359]

I hate it because it's like I WANT friends, but at the same time I don't want people to talk to me? Shucks

[@vonletho]

same i’ll get sometime lonely from not having friends but the idea of making one and keeping up just seems exhausting to me at the same time

[@magmell777]

ik, ive been struggling with it for years now. it’s so hard for me to trust and make friends, i hate it

[@kevinboyle3104]

Pets

[@gabrielavasquez7395]

@@vonletho yes I’m the same way

[@tomfromhighschool8542]

I'm scared of the people who can tell exactly what I'm thinking based on the sandwich I'm making

[@MrBungle900]

I change gyms, change jobs and relationships frequently because I become so uncomfortable when people attach to me. I desperately want connection but when I get it, I feel overwhelmed and I can’t stand it. So, I run. I’m so exhausted now. I want to stop running.

[@buzzlightyearandco]

How do people get attached to you at the gym though, it's so easy to go and never speak to anyone

[@MrBungle900]

@@buzzlightyearandco I often wonder how this happens too. I wear huge ‘Fuck off’ headphones but people still wanna talk to me. I am too friendly and polite and British to not give them a few mins of my time. Do that for a year or two with several people and you/they have formed attachments.

[@mithingthooth_5449]

Described me to a T.... I'm always on the run Can't speak out even though needy,so when some crisis becomes too much for me to handle first I crumble,get disgusted by such display of weakness then I flee...I'm now sooo tired of this game because it's made me soooo uncool and unpopular... Nervous laugh>*Hehehe but I can always fix it*

[@minilamma4879]

Same

[@fredericksaxton9782]

Sad how people destroy themselves. No one actually cares about your "displays of weakness" or looks, only you do and only you destroy yourself really. In this situation I mean. "Unpopular" by that I assume you mean school, and if so.... is just stupid, who gives a sh*t about popularity? Wanna be a jerk like the popular kids? Being popular in school is basically labeling yourself a mean, manipulative b*tch and then no one will like you later in life, I can promise you.

[@G0dspeed101]

I didn’t even realize, but this all makes sense. I don’t like to be vulnerable, crying, or ever showing weakness in general. It takes long for me to get close to anyone and when I do end up sharing something that I consider weakness, I start to distance myself. I internally cringe at the thought of someone knowing my emotional vulnerabilities whether I’ve known them for 10 years or 6 months. My father always did tell me never to cry in front of people and that I was too sensitive as a child, my mother said similar things like I was too emotional and she wouldn’t ever listen to why I was upset, that could be a reason why I don’t like asking for help or being emotional with people

[@cryptidinthewoods7262]

Man,that sounds awful! Maybe you can kinda "learn" to do it,when you first start to express these emotions in front of yourself.If you can watch a sad szene or music and try to react or smth....but seriously thats really bad parenting

[@squidaker]

*Hits too close to home man.*

[@croetheconfused]

@@squidaker **same**

[@AlexAlex-bz6cp]

Better have strong defences to survive attacks from everywhere, even from close one's

[@bulayne1157]

Fkk, if I ever accidentally REVEAL anything, big or small, I have a panic like flight kick in. I have to write the person off. I can physically feel a full body cringe when I think about it after the fact. Even years later. I'm also a terrible friend:( I'm never 'present' ...I jus can't keep them....don't really want them. I feel like I should come with a 'hazard' label.

[@annielaneful]

trying to date someone with this attachment style is pure hell, i was seeing this person and we inmediately clicked, whenever we spent some time together it felt so good and they were so nice to me, after that i started to realize they were never gonna let me in, i was very understanding and kind, when we started getting closer i could feel how he would do anything to avoid it happening, not even looking at me in the eyes or wanting to engage in conversation about feelings, telling me how he doesnt like being around people, that he doesnt trust anyone, etc, etc. but i could feel he was craving love and affection yet pushing me away whenever i offered that, after i told him how i felt he started reaching out to me less often, but he said it wasnt because of me he just "likes to be alone" a lot of the time, and it kinda sucks, i feel they punish me or hate me just because i like them and im just done, so i stopped replying over all and now we dont talk, its a shame because we both knew it could have been a good thing but he is not ready to start working on himself, and im not interested in fixing something i didnt break because i get damaged in the process.

[@tyriqcharles7276]

I genuinely know this will put you off but , when we feel like this it’s because we want to be visually seen by others as being perfect looks wise value wise and if effort of trying to improve isn’t there we’re gonna think we can find better else where without having to grind together. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, I can believe how fast things are progressing, and that every action has a consequence even if I think it not my fault and I openly blame myself for not drawing the line.

[@emilyhaustein1453]

aw man, I really feel this. I am in the same boat, yet I'm still trying to figure out if maintaining the connection is worth it...

[@kevlarkittens]

I am like the person you were dating. I'm doing this to someone right now. I don't want to. I hear myself and I didn't know why I behave that way. I'm trying to find out anything I can to help me not treat this wonderful person this way. It's not a connection I want to ruin, but it's also being terrifying. I am just as confused as he is on why I can't open up. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to be on the other side too.

[@luw5244]

I’m the person you were trying to date. I liked him, I meant to show it but I pushed him away instead :/

[@kevlarkittens]

@@luw5244 Why do we do this???? 😩

[@jadenia]

does anyone else w an avoidant attachment style constantly find themselves sabotaging their own relationships???? whenever i get close to someone i always have to fight the urge to become distant from them or overly critical of them bc emotional intimacy makes me want to die/throw up/move countries like. so many of my friendships i’ve ended bc ive been unable to deal w my issues and get over it and i feel like such a bad person :(

[@sarahh6]

Yessss! Except for me for the longest time I came to the conclusion that "uh ok well I guess people are weird, and I am also weird, and one day I will have friends but that is not today!" And then avoiding the thoughts that I might be avoiding shit It's gotten to the point where I don't even interact with people at school, and then school tries to help me but they have no clue how so they draw their conclusions based on what they perceive.

[@artemis1993]

You are not the only one. I do that all the time, for all of my life :/

[@senchingkitxd1573]

I feel you. :(

[@RainbowAnimeCupcake]

Same LOL even for small things like if I’m a regular at a store or restaurant and the staff start recognizing me and becoming more intimate I immediately stop going there cause I can’t handle it

[@winterdragon560]

Damn I feel y same here

[@kenny-nk5db]

summary of the video: 1. You were emotionally neglected in your childhood 2. You tend to suppress your emotions 3. You have trouble with emotional intimacy 4. You have extreme boundaries 5. You have shallow relationships 6. Strong independence 7. You have trust issues 8. You’re critical of yourself and others Recommend watching to learn more

[@Fooooooood13]

"you have trust issues" That's probably me in roblox Flicker.

[@EverythingandNothing888]

All of these are me.

[@her6645]

Everything but 5 and 4

[@SoOverBored]

I feel called out

[@Urmom-hh8qj]

Sounds like me

[@Taurenwarrior321]

This attachment style has literally fucked up my life.

[@boydluscombe2752]

Mine too

[@hawksu]

Same

Eh, I’m fine with it

[@cheez8813]

Hell yeah it has.

[@bubu4951]

how?

[@JMGENTERPRISES]

Hardest part of dating an avoidant for me was the lack of emotional support when I needed it. If I was low, sad and or in distress, she would not be able to provide me any words of support, encouragement or empathy. Not even physical contact like giving me a hug and holding me while I cried. Nothing. She was triggered by my emotions. It felt so lonely. I knew right then and there her and I would not work out in the long run. Not because she didn't care, but she just didn't have it to give.

[@eptile]

Shit hurts. Just got broken up with after nine years. He did it in the cruelest way imaginable. But now I'm just realizing he was clueless to my emotions in the first place so it came off that way for me, but to him it was a necessity I guess. Atleast you got out when you did. I still love mine, wish there was hope. But unless he ever opens up it would never work anyway, even if he has been constantly telling me he loves me still, even though he's the one that broke it off. Makes no sense to my overly emotional brain. But I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I don't think I can trust anyone ever again.

[@JMGENTERPRISES]

@@eptile Sorry to hear about your situation. It's more common in men than women to be avoidant but I now understand the frustration so many women feel towards men. It's not you. It's them. They didn't have the emotional upbringing that you did so they don't even know how to provide it. It's sad but there is nothing you can do. You deserve someone that is in tune with their emotions and can easily and openly express them without fear of judgment or ridicule. Avoidants are damaged. Hopefully one day they can realize they need healing and can work towards a secure attachment. But from what statistics show...this rarely happens. It's too deeply rooted in their upbringing.

[@dodo-e4x]

They're robots... Just run.

[@Iruriru9636]

They are people too? People who struggle with their emotions and vulnerability for various reasons, often borderline traumatic. I understand that you dont want to be with someone like that, its understandble and valid, but to say theyre robots is simply dehumanizing.​@@dodo-e4x

[@btg1153]

Bro…. You are a man. Why would you think crying in front of a woman is supposed to bring anything positive??? You are supposed to be her rock, not the other way around. This is the unfortunate reality of the world. NO WOMAN is aroused by or attracted to a man who cries and complains about his life. This is the reality. Women are attracted to emotional strength in men because you being emotionally strong makes you a sturdy person she can feel safe around. Crying in front of your girl does the opposite of make her feel safe.

[@Theomite]

"One cannot be betrayed if one has no people." - Mr. Kobayashi, THE USUAL SUSPECTS

[@audreya1847]

I say something like that to myself alot ;-;

[@jems3732]

only reason why i have never been betrayed lmao

[@justmark8938]

This quote is basically the rapresentation of my life

[@kayankashyap]

This entire comment section is so relatable and this actually makes me feel nice in a way that i am not the only one suffering, we are all in this together.

[@VivelaSlime]

It’s making me feel bad because it’s dredging up old memories… But 👍 for the positivity

[@anitaknight3915]

Yesss you are never alone even though it may feel that way. You have a soul tribe of like minded people out there who've endured similar challenges.

[@thekarnyx]

@Tej unlike Megamind over here

[@opellahleu906]

You're right I thought It's just me but there's others who relate it too Besides Staytiny✌

[@lovelyme9577]

Yep

[@joepapa7668]

The problem for me is that I really want deep relationships and crave that kind of connection. But it absolutely repulses me to be vulnerable with people. I get grossed out and embarrassed that I opened up to where I get distant until I’m ready to be closer to them again but not too close. It’s honestly so hard to change because if I try and be vulnerable I have to deal with how I feel about myself and I tend to like the other person less just for being there and listening. While staying where I am, I’m at least comfortable and can keep a friendship at an arms length.

[@michaelrainbow4203]

Yes, I feel that. I'm a walking contradiction, it seems: I desire connection, but am at the same time repulsed by intimacy. I often feel like a strange creature.

[@dalilarossello9737]

This Is so relatable damn

[@ashley09873]

this.

[@DEEJAYNH10]

@@michaelrainbow4203 i am the other way around , I crave intimacy but repulse connection . like all I want from a friendship is a true person that I can meet from time to time not get personal just deal with anything in hand but have a comfortable physical connection . That's it , I don't need to know abt your secret nor do you have to know abt mine .

[@OoiYunKai]

SAME

[@kinpft9320]

A friend of mine has a serious avoidant personality. This video helps me understand him better. I am naturally patient with him but he seriously got out of line that I almost started to have anxious attachment style because of him. But I chose to be more understanding and explain to him in a more vulnerable way how his actions affected me. And despite trying my best to understand him, only recently I found out about these attachment styles and it sure does make a lot of sense on why he acted that way towards me. I want to help him, but I know I cant help him if he doesn't want my help. I hope he would let me in. Because no matter what people around us tell us how idiotically patient I am with him, and how he is just like that, I believe in him. So, if anyone's out there needed these words, "Someone believes in you, someone is patient enough for you to take those steps. Baby steps if you must, but they will be there for you, cheering you up."

[@18Reliable]

You are a great friend. And I’m sure he appreciates your effort too.

[@andrewcollins2060]

It is not so simple. There are a myriad of possible personal or mental afflictions compounding his condition. An even worse case that could happen is when the individual is highly intellegent and empathic. In such a case they would have this completly skewed misconception that people are more aware than they "pretend" to be. These people have no idea how limited others are. They also do not understand why people will endlessly hurt them because these types do not like to hurt others and will not properly understand why others hurt them. They never learn that most of the slights and percieved "moves" others make are mostly out of ignorance or lack of empathy or higher level perception. If your friend is one of these types you are going to have to somehow get him to understand that most people can not help but acidentally hurt others as they live their life. If however your friend is not of the empathic and or intellectual type he should really go get help from a passionate therapist that actually wants to help people. It would really help if you walked beside him too in his therapy. He will need someone there for him to help reinforce postitive human interaction.

[@potatowarrior747]

See I was in the shoes of your friend. But I ruined it so bad. I was so harsh to a potential best friend. And that potential bsf didn't have the patience to deal with me. As anyone would. Idk. I'm just ruminating over the whole experience since the last month.

[@loraz5343]

​@@potatowarrior747 same here, but I've been ruminating for a year and I wish I could just hit Delete Memory

[@potatowarrior747]

@@loraz5343 It's hard. I hope you get out of this mind on a loop. I watched a video on "rumination" by TheraminTrees and it kinda helped. Maybe you could watch it. Also doing some other activity instead of just thinking about that person and how I fkd up majestically, helped too. Sending all the mental healing your way.

[@Shaddyraddy92]

This attachment style feels like being on survival mode. Used to be more open and expressive as a child, but due to my traumatic experiences, I developed this style. I find it to hard to be vulnerable or even sharing my emotions, unless that person is trustworthy.

[@gabrielam.7681]

It's so funny, around strangers I feel super comfortable. I could dish out my entire life story to a stranger at a party that I _know_ I'll never see again, but around people who I know will stick around in my life for a long time, I feel uncomfortable and nervous if they try to get to know me on an emotional level. It's like "No, ew, you're trying to legitimately understand me as a person? Wtf, that's none of your business, get away from me."

[@nehaha7208]

@@gabrielam.7681 I feel you completely, I tell this to my mother, but she cannot understand at all

[@teddymilk8487]

survival mode? you mean hardcore mode

[@pleasesetmeonfire1166]

Even whenever I trust someone, I just end up opening up to them about my trauma with really terrible jokes and awkward delivery in an attempt to still keep the conversation casual as if we’re not discussing decades of abuse from just about everyone you’re supposed to trust. Not only am I just DEEPLY uncomfortable with vulnerable conversation, but everything that’s ever happened to me was so normalized to me as a kid that there’s still a part of me that occasionally forgets that not everyone grew up in such terrible circumstances

[@ironically7561]

@@gabrielam.7681 i relate 100%. My sister and i say we feel ‘dirty’ if people get too close and see the baggage we have. It’s really weird as deep down I know i am a good person.

[@daelnightbird6962]

Trust issues are weird. I don't mistrust others in the sense that I think they'll intentionally hurt me. I just don't trust them to take care of me better than I could, or in a way that I need. In my mind, only I can do that.

[@emmanordgren6086]

Ive been waiting for this comment! We don't think everyone's shitty...just that they're not properly equipped? I love myself but i i dont trust ppl to see my full worth like i do 💁🏼‍♀️

[@alexandria7309]

THISSSS!!

[@june6556]

Like i have 0 expectations, like we can be married for 40 years and if u cheat one day, i’m like meh, no big deal, took u long enough

[@promitadas1450]

@@june6556 oh my god this is so me, i fee l bad that I laughed out loud. but you are right. Disappointments arent disappointing anymore

[@daelnightbird6962]

@Peter mrui That depends. I'm sure it's like that for some. But for me, it makes me lonely. On edge. Dodging everyone's attempts to help me, even in the most mundane situations, physically and emotionally. See, it's not that I have a healthy amount of independence that lets me deal with expectations and the consequences thereof. Its also not that I don't have expectations. For people to do their jobs, to treat others with basic respect, to do all those impersonal things that they are expected to do. Those are expectations as well, after all. I don't have an issue with those expected roles and consistencies of life. It's that I have learned that expectations that regard me on a personal level - not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well, which is really hard for someone with a chronical illness - are not properly going to be met. By which I don't mean they're actively going to be disappointed either, but the proper execution of anything concerning me is something I feel I can only trust myself with. No. It's not how we all should see things. But it's alright. I tell myself that lie too from time to time, just to comfort me.

[@micahyos8787]

"internally punish yourself for being vulnerable" excuse me who gave you the right to call me out?

[@vladimirazubcekova7727]

Nobody called you out

[@esla1885]

Ikr? Did they sneak into our journals or something?

[@MrFunnyP]

Tryna tell my whole life story.

[@odeer170]

Somebody’s looking through my journal

[@jennytai88]

@@rachecology So kind of you to explain properly and accurately. I was confused by why people didn't get it, didn't think about their level of English. Good point.

[@EmiliaLanders]

I’m so uncomfortable getting close to new people. They always disappoint me or end up judging me. They’re never as good as they seem and they never love me how i am. I’m too much for them and they don’t understand how needy and insecure i am. When they don’t know me, I’m stronger and less vulnerable. I don’t need validation from people i don’t care about. Don’t hurt me i just can’t take it again.

[@GabrielleP310]

Have you ever thought that you disappoint yourself and judge yourself the most⁉️ Other people actually don’t think of that about you, how you think of yourself will most likely be projected onto others unintentionally. The universe challenges every single one of us, no one dies unscathed. So, you will naturally attract people around you who are emotionally intense and want meaningful connection. Everytime you run or sabotage these connections, you let your fears and insecurities WIN‼️ I’m the opposite of you. I’m an emotionally intense person but I’m learning over time to moderate it. I love deep connections and vulnerabilities…, and guess who I attract the most naturally!? Avoidants. I find superficial connections BORING. I don’t mind if the other person is independent and self-sufficient, doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is the lack of emotional presence and warmth.

[@marjoram5833]

Does feeling comfortable with strangers, but the moment you feel connected to them you start feeling uncomfortable and try to shut yourself away from them count..?

[@EM-sj3yf]

I'd say so. It feels ok because they're at an arms length still- they don't really know you. But the moment they start to get closer and breach that distance is when I panic and put all my walls up, personally. I'm good at making friends, but terrible at keeping them. Strangers/acquaintances feel easier to deal with.

[@rhytsuki]

@@EM-sj3yf "im good at making friends but terrible at keeping them" this hit too hard

[@omologo95]

Yes, yes it does.

[@amariza9013]

yes 100% i literally write a poem about it for school

[@xXKuroXx100]

I’ve always felt that the actions of strangers are more often genuine than those of acquaintances.

[@kartisyamin9947]

It's actually so frustrating bc I want to compliment people, hug people, show affection and have heart to heart conversations but when the opportunities come, that sounds like the most terrifying thing to do and I just become so closed off. So people probably think i'm super judgemental or avoiding them but i'm really just TERRIFIED of getting close to anyone, even my family. And at the same time all I want is to be close to someone. It's incredibly frustrating because it feels like i'm never going to meet someone who understands this. I wonder if this is something I can change or just forever part of my personality..

[@zoobloo]

damm.. so true

[@rajecks]

Yes you can change it! Find a therapist that addresses attachment issues, read books. The more aware you are of your internal dialogue, the easier it will be to change it. Follow Thais Gibson on here (KZbin). Good-luck

[@ncz7]

Same

[@_GAB_-lj6hi]

@@theredkoala5524 i have. All the time. My parents literally call me an emotionless manipulator

[@okkelly6207]

i understand completely that’s completely me too, it’s normal and ok! we should try and open up some more ok? 🥺💕

[@limonhusky7409]

Lol the funny thing about this is that when you do try to break down those walls and actually try to be open to those who trust you and you want to trust they don't listen so what's the point of doing it in the first place. Besides then you gotta deal with a whole lotta self deprecation after and that's really exhausting on its own.

[@treeanimation368]

Yeah i get you I've tried opening up before and usually they ignore me and try to change the topic or they judge me But what should i expect from shallow friendships ?

[@dollyonelly4564]

You'll find better ppl one day who'll love u , just keep on pushing forward

[@esla1885]

Exactly! People won't say it if you ask them since it's conditional to respond a certain way but deep down they don't want to acknowledge you either because it's just more trouble to deal with you than it would be to just try to ignore and dismiss you

[@apurplegoldenfaith7]

Samee :,(

[@leipzigergnom]

I can relate to people not caring about my true feelings or it being too much for them. Here's my thoughts: I have realized that only some friends are willing to really hear you out. And oftentimes, you have to listen to them and love them first - I think that allows them to be vulnerable, when they know that you'll listen and that you don't jump to venting as soon as the opportunity arises. Also, some friends care about what you say, but they're just not sure how to respond. In conclusion, people probably won't care about you if they haven't gotten to know you and seen who you are through your actions. True friends are rare and should be treasured.

[@mychannelnotyours]

This is me building invisible walls to anyone who wants to get close to me.I want that “space” from everyone but I also crave to build meaningful connections…

[@alyssamartinez5374]

I really want a relationship where I can share these things, but it feels like crossing an impossible bridge. It's never the right time, or i don't want to burden others, or it would change a positive opinion into maybe a more concerned opinion. So it stays surface level where it's comfortable for everyone, and no one person knows everything

[@stayclassic2361]

That’s the thing. I desire relationships like this but don’t pursue them because I fear that as I open up the other person would see this baggage I carry and run away. It’s even worse when this fear is confirmed. When you face the fear and decide to try to be free and open up knowing that the other person might decide to cut you out. When they actually cut you out the pain is so bad it’s almost unreal.

[@missstarrynight7736]

Actually you don't have to tell things to people to make them "read" you. Your reactions and behaviour will tell them more with words. If you think others would be burden, you lie to yourself, claiming, tha people will perceive you as a burden no matter what. You expect rejection no matter what, so it ends up as a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess. If you remain on the surface level, people will know that you keep them on the surface level. To some people it's going to be comfy, to others - very unpleasant.

[@missstarrynight7736]

@@stayclassic2361 Every person has a baggage. What are you afraid of? Being seen as imperfect? You are, so what? Being weird? So what? This is childish thinking, not mature one. Mature way of thinking includes understanding, that people's reaction won't depend on your baggage, but their choices about you. I know many wonderful ,warm, emathic, friendly people with 'baggage'. I myself suffer from CPTSD. I do have baggage too. I have two wonderful friends who know all the details of my terrible baggage and love me, like, me and respect me despite of it. And that's beautiful. They help me to heal. And some people ridiculed me because of my "baggage". I don't need these people in my life. Their behaviour tells everything about them, nothing about my value. If you are unwilling to take a risk, you will be imprisoned but yourself.Forever. REally, it's not worth it. Oh, and mind you, that the people without any baggage also get rejected and ridiculed by others, for other reasons (like envy). So NO ONE is free from the risk of being rejected. GEt real about it and give yourself a chance.

[@ciaraa283]

@@missstarrynight7736 made me realize i wouldn’t wanna be with someone who sees my trauma as a burden. all the shitty things are sadly apart of me and it’s not fair to me to keep that hidden from someone to keep them around.

[@ciaraa283]

@@missstarrynight7736 i really do feel imprisoned. someone who i wanna be close to is still at an arms length. they’re a really good person and i feel like i’m suppressing our relationship bc i’m scared. i feel so stupid rn.

[@julynightowl7413]

Who else felt like they never had a real best friend in the group they hang out with? 😅. Ive always felt like i dont belong. It's like whenever i get close to someone, it'll reset in a day or two and I get shy all over again. Pretty weird.

[@HavenK4]

🙋‍♀️

[@shweyi3433]

Me☺

[@markof.4361]

Yes, man. You have describe my whole life... 😢. Thanks for share and I send you a big hug.

[@user-hz5wl4gh4c]

same

[@annabelle9311]

THIS ONE RIGHT HERE

[@akun8565]

Bruh, now I know why I can't have a good & stable relationship with anyone.

[@valeriaruey8887]

Dont let your struggles define youu :)

[@blublukourtney1951]

Shit, the worst of all is that this cannot be controlled, or at least I feel like it is my natural instinct and that I cant stop it.

[@hasukim2563]

These instincts once identified.. I believe.. built up a backing mechanism.. to get them down and still do what you want. Like.. some online sites or places where you can simply ask what you should do when you feel the anxiety strike even when you know the other person is good and is just trying to make a relationship. Let them know that you struggle with it and ask them to be patient. Communicate and work through! You always can! Don't let these fears rule you. Now that we are aware it's time to work on it hence forth.

[@ExpandLove]

Hhahaha

[@valeriaruey8887]

@MackDaddy OfJustice it is, srry I didnt explained myself hee, but its not impossible, it requieres self commitment and awareness of the patterns you are repeating, theraphy, work etc, techniques like meditation, healthy lifestyle maybe, but actually you can do better, and its easier once you are aware of your struggles and where they came from

[@JeffarryLounder]

I've always wondered why I was so fearful of getting close to others. I had no idea such terms for a condition (or attachment style) existed. But nearly all of these describe me. I had a rough childhood, but it wasn't exactly awful. I still have trouble showing my emotions to family or others because I feel it makes me look weak. Also every relationship I develop with someone ends up fading over time due to lack of interest on my part where I just sort of start ghosting people for no reason other than emotional attachment making me feel uncomfortable. It doesn't work this way with romantic relationships, only friendships. I don't want to get too close to who I deem my friends because it sounds weird to me.

[@tona4x7]

I feel so called out by this video. In my parents' defense though, they never neglected me in any way. It was my experiences with peers growing up that was the more likely culprit. I would be much worse off without my parents support.

[@jeeco3562]

same

[@apinchofdisappointment]

Me too

[@cleanchannel3029]

Exactly! My parents are the exact opposite of neglect. Its was definitely my peers and even teachers that did most of the damage.

[@tasharch]

school bullying probably plays a major role. Especially when you're a little kid just reaching out to people to say hi and it blows up in your face.

[@phoenixangel5073]

@@tasharch you can't say hi to people without offending them somehow, at the end I just shut myself in and kept quiet for 8 years since friendship bothered them so much. I picked the worst school to attend. Now I avoid people in fear they'll react the same and I'm constantly thinking it's innapropriate to talk about anything deeper than regular shallow things. I tried a few times and just as I feared they got weirded out and pushed me away. Don't get me started on trust issues, I don't even trust my parents from very early age, I just feel like everyone is trying to stab me in the back and I have to be extra observant of my surroundings.

[@shivamnow]

It's so important to understand that in order to pick up our relationships wisely. Don't blame yourself for it, don't blame your parents for it. Instead, identify it and work on it.

[@sadia13ful]

Wise words MAn. Appreciated

[@GabrielDeOliveira721]

So even if we know our parents did something to us we shouldn't knowledge that or shouldn't do something about that? And should I try to tell them? And isn't this pretty vague? Literally what a fortune teller would say. Not wrong, but vague. This kind of advice don't do nothing for others, principally if they needed, and only the ones that don't need or already know what you are talking about that will say that this work or that this is helpful. And if you have this problem and are really trying to help yourself out, please stop looking at vague mensages and literally think for yourself and with a professional. Don't make the mistake I and probably a lot of people do.

[@ExpandLove]

Agrreed. Totallyyy.

[@12himitsu12]

Are you one of those who never blame parents for their child's misfortune even if it is their fault? Well, I don't agree, if it IS their fault it is their fault, and they should be held responsible.

[@shivamnow]

@@GabrielDeOliveira721 Umm, I generalized a bit. Of course, there are certain situations where you cannot possibly forgive them for the abuse was tolerable. But I have seen a lot of people hating their parents for no solid reason. I counsel a lot of people daily and this is one common link everywhere at least in India. It may not be prevalent in your country but I believe people really need to understand that they too come from their own traumas and it's important to understand them.

[@paigerenee4173]

“Why are you so secretive with your emotions?” Me: *flashbacks to my dad laughing at me for being sad* Me: uhh no reason

[@Lutzifalilia]

Omg.. Same with my mother.. She even mocked me for crying or being emotional.. *hugs you* ;_; You are valid and you are enough! ♥

[@savstinks6847]

@@Lutzifalilia well I used to be mocked at school for crying and now I always try not to stand out by hiding my emotions. My grandma telling me to stop crying doesn't help either

[@dayyvalentine4708]

Exactly

[@paigerenee4173]

Lutzifalilia aww, thanks❤️❤️ *hugs*

[@koffz-nl2118]

I feel you. I used to get beaten for being sad by my dad.

[@danidrawzz]

you can really tell when these videos hit JEEZ. i just start crying half the time cause i think i have a more secure hold on myself. thank you so much for these videos

[@georgiaderousse760]

Does anyone feel like a different person when they’re in public vs when they’re alone? Not that I’m two faced and act differently when I’m around different groups of people, but the person i project into the world is completely different than the actual person I am. On top of that its almost as if my emotions completely turn off. I am unable to cry, or be sad when I’m around anyone even my family. Not that I wont let myself cry but I’m incapable of feeling emotion. I want to stop this but I don’t know how or why I’m like this

[@powertrihy4874]

"The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are" This Is a Pop Culture Quote I've Read Years Ago, I Usually Prefer Depth/Authenticity, But That Quote Really Stayed With Me, Here's a Link With More Insight :))) Would Highly Recommend Jordan Petersons Videos On KZbin Also :) seekerofthesouls.wordpress.com/tag/japanese-proverb/

[@slxbeats8146]

@@powertrihy4874 appreciate it

[@HolyDiscoPotato]

I feel the same way as you. I've been trying to act more like myself around others, but it usually ends up with me acting like someone who is even less like myself. It can be difficult sometimes, and it takes a lot of work, especially with someone who is extremely self conscious. I'm definitely in the same boat as you.

[@asiblingproduction]

@@powertrihy4874 persona ego and shadow. What you show, what you think, and what you dont want to think or show.

[@ashleywong4368]

wow that's relatable like you could be having a bad morning but once you go to school and stuff a switch turns on and suddenly you're the happiest person ever ready to hype some people upp 😅 I just feel like I project a more carefree and happier person to other people when I'm in public compared to at home or alone..is that what you mean..?

[@redgreen2453]

“Did you recognize any of these signs in yourself?” **sweats profusely**

[@jacquelinecyr390]

Who else did the following: 1. Ghosted internet friends 2. Has more acquaintance friends than real ones, if any. 3. Would rather spend painstaking hours figuring something out than ask for help. 4. Cannot express your emotions to others accurately. 5. Feels like a secret agent. 6. Wants someone to get so close to them, but realizes the painful consequences of this. 7. Would rather be alone then surrounded by people and their judgments. 8. Is seen as being cold, strange, unemotional, and mean just for not being emotionally expressive. 9. Hyperanazlyes anything they do that may leave a trace of their emotions, e.g., deletes any video on avoidant attachment in case a sibling or a friend somehow see it on your watch history 10. Finds Bebe Rexha’s “Me, Myself, and I” song to be your anthem. Wow over 700 people feel this way. I’m glad I’m not alone in this and I hope the number comforts you all too that you’re not alone either. 💜

[@Isaac-ho8gh]

Jesus.. I constantly relate to almost all of that, minus 10 and mostly 1, although I unfortunately ghosted or minimised conversation with a few people from fear of incompatibility with ethics and values. I wish I didn't have to, but I don't know how to deal with those situations without potentially being misunderstood as rude or dismissing unfortunately. Though, do I have an avoidant personality when I get along well with a few online friends and a 64 year old neighbour in real life (he's pretty different but very accepting) while I can't make myself form stronger friendships with almost all Australians or even meet people locally? I know its at least trauma with regards to my fear of my people from guns and individualist ethics being super taboo but I don't know if I'm still avoidant with relationships and connection when its only with authoritarian people who could hurt me if they find out my true self. Though, its a lot of people in this world and especially here where freedom and my guns passion is seldom.. I don't know how to meet people through other interests when it still doesn't erase their potential fear of my kind :(

[@justmark8938]

Goddam man you just described me... Literally everything you said is precisely how I feel,so I'm not the only one like this

[@roxys207]

Glad I'm not the only one

[@casuals.3.19]

Nah I just think you guys are teens

[@Isaac-ho8gh]

@@casuals.3.19 I'm 22, not a teen. Its young, but I'm not a teenager and my issue is legitimate also.

[@archibaldmainsfield]

The accuracy of this in my life makes me literally want to cry. This explains so much, and I can see it over the span of my life. I’ve been trying to work on it, but it’s always there.

[@ohthatwan8559]

Don't forget about comforting yourself by "creating" your own best friend no one knows about Edit: Welcome like-minded people, you're not alone anymore

[@neonsrevenge1794]

This feels like a personal attack

[@zaraithcoyneira8844]

Omg I thought I was crazy for doing that. shiiiiit

[@ardiloki_]

Oh u mean Timmy? He's good friend of mine in my mind. At least... Where I'm safe.

[@theosoreos]

yes she's the best

[@moved4567]

Not just one - 👁️👄👁️

[@bluesideace]

This is so me. Whenever I start getting closer to someone, whether in a romantic way or in a friendship, at first everything is fine bc it's shallow...but the more the relationship progresses and I can't keep it superficial anymore, the more I retreat back and at some point just completely shut the other person out. So I never have any deeper connections with people, even though I really want it.

[@rain0344]

I feel you 💛

[@UltimateCowBoyCat]

Stop doing that. You have to think of the other person in mind. Think about how you hurt them unintentionally. I suggest you get help and try to get better than ghosting people and possibly hurting them.

[@pettahulme8288]

@@UltimateCowBoyCat wow she's not doing it deliberately you sound bitter sometimes you don't know why your doing maybe this video helped her see I know it did me and think of the pain of breaking your own heart all your life 😪

[@kaloric]

same here. i had a long distance relationship, and it was fine because it was online and stuff, super shallow, and then he started talking about moving to where i live. its easy to say that the relationship ended not too long after that because he said i grew too distant. well, no fucking kidding.

[@phoebejamison4950]

@@UltimateCowBoyCatBruh we fucking know it hurts people but guess what, guilt tripping people for coping mechanisms they already feel guilty about and don’t fully control isn’t helpful! Literally at all! If ‘it hurts people so stop’ was enough for us to magically undo all of our most deeply entrenched patterns of behavior and base form of emotional attachment we would have done that a long time ago and we wouldn’t be talking about this right now

[@fadedaf5841]

Getting attached to closely to someone could result in becoming sad when that person isn't talking to u or isn't around, plus usually they would end up learning more about you which means u are vulnerable to them and at some point they could use whatever they know about u against u

[@AlexAlex-bz6cp]

It's like revealing plan of strategic fortifications to others. It would be used to storm this fortifications successful and capture strategic point(s) of your personality defences. I recommend you to reinforce them by listening to songs like "Wehrmacht" it helps a lot

[@amygomez9061]

I read to give space so i did but not sure if that was best advice. What if you genuinely care for Avoidant. Seems like a no win😞

[@VexDeePhilosophs]

My partner has this style, and did this to me, i hope this isnt often..

[@amygomez9061]

@@VexDeePhilosophs read up on it. Push.pull dynamic. They run due to past trauma. Understanding it helps but not for the faint of heart!

[@kan0762]

Dang I think this way

[@NomadUrpagi]

I think over the years i overcame my avoidant attachment style, but i still have a strong anxious attachment style in romantic relarionships. I am dealing with it. You will too!

[@milky_cube8535]

Someone: "Id like to get to know you more !" My brain: AAAAAAAAAH MAYDAY MAYDAY RUUUUN

[@Atticus_]

Sameee!!

[@prisma6799]

What i think is:There is nothing worh knowing about *my word is unquestionable, do not ask again*

[@A6Legit]

Hahaha. Good luck I dont even know who I am

[@yvonnem9045]

😂😂😂

[@soberanisfam1323]

I’m a total loser…there’s nothing with knowing

[@ari-ko3pb]

I'm not playing "hard to get", I'm struggling. Having this attachment style is hard and makes you feel like maintaining any kind of relationship is impossible and dangerous, on top of that, I am like this bcuz of traumatic experiences that have scarred me and I have to carry them everyday too. If i gather the strength to start a romantic relationship with someone the least that I hope from them is to understand that my boundaries and behavior are not an act of "playing hard to get" or trying to be "cryptical", and when I open up about this, is not a "special" moment that we are sharing as a couple, it's a warning of what you're gonna have to deal with if this relationship is to continue. Just thought I leave this here, I'm venting, but it might be useful for people who don't struggle with this but are in a relationship with someone who does.

[@spartanares4345]

Thanks for your POV. A girl I was sort of seeing keeps acting like my gf in person, but is always blowing off all my text messages. I try to move on, but she keeps pulling me back. After 6 months, I'm moving on to other women, yet her friends are always getting mad at me for talking to other women on campus - even though she's sleeping with other guys SMH (they don't know that I know this). I ultimately told myself to ignore all this: if she wants to come back, she can text me, but if she does not, I wish her all the best on her journey. What are your thoughts on the matter?

[@kambrierose9859]

Yes and people always shame avoidant people for hurting the ones that try to build a relationship with them. It’s not our fault and it’s hard to deal with

[@zanepeterson777]

Thanks it helps proves

[@alyescamilla5630]

@@kambrierose9859 YES!!! You’re so right ! And it sucks because I’ll do it on my own time when I’m ready to communicate and be close to someone even though in reality it might not be as soon as they may think and in having this avoidant style we don’t like others helping us or being there so we push them away in our relationships, and keep it at a certain level that won’t ever surpass of our boundaries of ever getting closer to knowing us. It’s also not easy to ask your loved ones for help and in relationships. It’s not quite easy as it seems it’s hard to rely on them for instance some will start to feel guilty and feel like In a way I shouldn’t depend on them that it’s bad and that I should continue to do it alone because then In a way I don’t loose my independence just in case they leave. Then again it is all cause by certain events in our life that have hurt us like you mentioned. Sometimes there’s days where one can get through it and be vulnerable for a while but sometimes our boundaries go up again and it’s a work in progress you know. It is possible though there was a time where I myself lasted in a long relationship because I allowed myself to put in the work for it and to give myself the feeling of love a try. It was quite exciting yet nervous but you can definitely do it! You just have to keep up Putting work in even after you have surpassed it for a while. So Thank you for sharing you’re right, I have also been critiqued by it as well!

[@wall_enjoyer9405]

thank you so much for sharing I think this is an excellent way of explaining this to someone who wants to be educated on the topic

[@emmasolberg14]

A take on this I would like to add is that growing up neurodivergent might also cause this. My parents didn’t neglect me, but I still felt neglected because our communication styles were so different.

[@kellyely9113]

Absolutely 100%, my parents had extremely different communication styles and neither one was able to rub off on one another because they're both avoidant as well, and the information I got from them seemed to contradict each other, so it almost made it impossible to decide what was right and wrong, so I didn't choose relationships for a very long time because I just didn't know how to be a person in one. It wasn't until about a year ago that I actively started learning about my attachment style and my neurodivergence, and it has helped me be more comfortable opening up in relationships, however I have yet to maintain a romantic one.

[@anaisdebeaumont9571]

​ I feel the part about the parents, sometimes I'm mad at them but I know that they really love me and never had bad intentions but I resent them because because they have their own insecurities,no patience and do not like when things get emotional and situations are awkward. But because of that I feel like I can't talk to them not because I can't but because they won't hear me. Appart from that they are very caring but I know I make them feel uncomfortable.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

But as a parent, they were supposed to learn better communication in order to help you.

[@KitBits]

THIS! My parents loved and cared for me a bunch, but there have been and still are so many misunderstandings because of a lack of proper communication

[@Allison_Hart]

Wow, I truly can't thank you enough for this comment. It just connected some dots for me that I wouldn't have connected on my own

[@LadyGreyBlack]

Growing up, I wanted friends, but it seems as if I was either rejected by a friend over another person, or locked out by cliques. When I became older in high school and had an expanded peer group, I found myself completely oblivious to those who wanted my genuine friendship. Has anyone else had this experience? How did you overcome this?

[@thejoker-go3fh]

I had the exact same experience but don't knows a way out

[@thejourneyman8890]

Same, it's just worse now. So gg on a solution

[@ellisking13x29]

I was also rejected by friend groups for being to expressive, now im just the complete opposite and am only expressive by myself, my thoughts and ideas are extremely taboo and philosophical and don’t really have a place in the average social circle unless its one on one friends. Ive grown to dislike my avoidance because I am a heavily affectionate and thoughtful person but can’t for the life of me initiate intimacy or connection building with new people in college. It doesn’t change, but it does help to be skeptical of the people you choose to hang around, and you become a generally wiser person.

[@xejelah]

Had a similar experience growing up. I did make friends in middle school, but didn't find out until much later that our relationships were one sided. I was the "therapist" of our group, but when I actually reached out for the first time, none of them were there. So, I'm not sure how to "fix" it, but start simply. Do you have a pet? Take care of an animal - they love you for free. Find meet ups in your local areas about things you have a real interest in. Foodies, video games, movies, gardening, whatever. Start from there. Meet people, let them introduce you to other things and other people, network from there. Take baby steps when it comes to getting to know people on deeper subjects.

[@kawiiakitten6105]

I feel closed off now I used to crave constant connection

[@pinktion3660]

I have so many mental problems I’m surprised that I’m still alive

[@nessrineboukhari0167]

It's a proof that you're stronger than what you think .

[@y2kallday665]

LMFAOO

[@abdullabakr7298]

Oi update me stranger are you still alive? If so I hope your doing well

[@nicolebeloro6514]

Same

[@jubiterr]

lmaoooooooo

[@GabrielShitposting]

"1. You were emotionally neglegted in your childhood." I'm dead, I'm gone. Oh my god, you just pierced through my heart with the whole Empire State.

[@emelirivera8755]

Lmao I’m so sorry but your hilarious 😂

[@GabrielShitposting]

@@emelirivera8755 it's okay, I exchanged my capability to feel love with _the funny_

[@mau6068]

@@GabrielShitposting it be like That 🤪

[@bakugokatsuki6019]

As a child my emotions were dismissed nearly entirely, and the only way to really get any kind of positive response was by taking care of my self. So I guess it makes sense that I have this attachment style.

[@ciaraa283]

everytime i got emotional when i was a child i was called manipulative or over dramatic. crying or sadness was mainly how i expressed most of my negative emotions (fear, anger or anxiousness). now when i need to express these emotions i don’t because i’ve been taught that my feelings aren’t valid.

[@21_Etho]

Thisss

[@Gamelover254]

Crying was seen as childish right when I turned 8. And my dad seriously wonders why I can’t show emotions in front of him anymore.

[@PrattBandd]

Same bro😐

[@PrattBandd]

Crying was 'shameful' when I was 6...noone cared what I felt.. I was never asked for my oinion in any family matters They shifted to different places telling me a month before.. I barely made friends Hopefully where I am right now is where I've been for 6 years and I'll be here for another 2 years.. but then I'm moving out I'm moving out just to be by myself... I dojt think I'll ever enjoy interacting with people just fir the sake of it and not because of discussing any project or something of thst sort

[@bridgetbaber8718]

This video made me realize that I am not alone. I hope we all can find peace and healing in the future.

[@treeanimation368]

Throughout my childhood i was referred as cold and unemotional. But now that im older I've realized im actually and emotional person. I would always see crying as a sign of weakness and i whenever i had to cry i would do it alone and in silence. One time i had a breakdown and i could not even face my mom I had to talk to her through the door because i was so ashamed. Even now i cant seem genuine when it comes to sadness.

[@somethingstrange7184]

Dude same. I hated crying as a kid. I too saw it as a weakness. I would do anything in my power to stop myself from crying. And that includes suffocating myself with a blanket and/pillow to get myself to stop. :/

[@abbiemckenna3356]

@@somethingstrange7184 why have I taken that as a tip? Lmao

[@somethingstrange7184]

Abbie McKenna omg no. For the love of god don’t be like me 😂 trust me. It’s isn’t fun 😅

[@Twilightpriest87]

Like a drunken giraffe trying to throw up, emotions come from so deep they barely reach the surface. People end up not emoting well enough because they were discouraged from doing so.

[@monaebreak561]

I had good parents but got screwed over by "friends" so many times I've become avoidant. I feel like anything you share becomes a weapon that can be used against you.

[@ytonly7294]

Same

[@janna7843]

same....

[@tticusFinch]

Yep. Watching a two decade's long feud unfold with my extended family full of lies and hateful words taught me that being family doesn't mean you're friends.

[@kozumekenma4449]

@@tticusFinch oh my god you have the same problems as me. I have a few different families from my mom and dads side (mostly moms bc my grandad had a diff wife before my gran) we all kinda have our separate close relatives and all they do is trash talk each other, have fights and just in general hate each other. Every time I go to an aunts house it’s always the same thing. Talking crap about a different part of the family and I’ve just learned not to open up to even my family because they will talk about you and it’s kinda sad

[@DaeFranklin]

Same

[@shrekthethird162]

I hate people who're like having a boyfriend/girlfriend is thier only reason to live. Its annoying sometimes. Edit: Hate is too much of a strong word, thanks for the peeps in comments lol. I dislike it because in my family, most of them would rather a partner than education and it throws me off why they do it, kinda sad tho

[@bdotakubdotaku8256]

Why

[@giannaberetta878]

Totally agree...my room mate was like that, I could barely stand her.....

[@GenesisAdame1]

I'm like this but i can't control it soni avoid relationships.

[@gracelauren7513]

It's annoying because it seems like they *need* someone or they're not a person. A partner should complement you. Not create you

[@jonnuanez2843]

"Hate" is too strong a word and feeling for something like that. There's a reason why it would affect you like that. You might need to look into that reason or reasons.

[@nanaalin]

4:58 yes honey all of them

[@patimat4700]

I used to be like this. Not believing in friendships, avoiding contact. Thank God I went to psychologist and got to open myself. It was easier than with friends or family, because they're professional. They've seen lots of people like me, used to people crying. Simple talking my life and crying for about an hour worked miracles. I may not be over it yet, but at least I'm more open about my emotions and feeling better overall. So... it's possible. Good luck people

[@LLLLLP0]

im afraid to get help

[@patimat4700]

You can do it :) The longer you wait, the longer you suffer. It's like living with cataract - it's possible, but wouldn't it be much better to get healed?

[@emmanordgren6086]

@@LLLLLP0 nothing painless/risk-free is ever worth doing. Treat it like extreme sports

[@emmanordgren6086]

Also, u dont have to care about looking stupid or their feelings

[@기치죠지의치킨난반]

I met like 5 therapists but it wasn’t improved...

[@Scavenger82]

"We hope you enjoyed learning about the signs of Avoidant Attachment Style." I don't think enjoyed is the right word. I identified with them all so it was a bit unpleasant, but it was informative.

[@drinasun6984]

When I was younger, I avoided conflict at all costs. I started building resentment. I developed addictions and silently began to isolate myself.

[@ilovesherlockholmes934]

This is my life in a nutshell😣

[@Cv_224]

And now that you have this awareness, what are you going to do about it?

[@drinasun6984]

@@Cv_224 I'm working on myself now, one day at a time.

[@nicoleclavel5836]

@@drinasun6984 ❤❤

[@Dipped1234]

This.

[@mesunekonyan]

I never thought it'll end up this extreme to me. Over these past years ive been vocal of my feelings to my friends however, none of them comforted me the same way i did for them when they are struggling. I was also open in showing emotions but my relatives somehow made it seem like it's uncomfortable or made fun of me. And now ive become so avoidant of people and my emotion; im becoming more apathetic and my avoidant attachment is strong. Ithink it's for the better; that's a price im willing to pay for my own peace and sanity

[@Crossover_boss]

I really relate to the last part. All these videos about this attachment style talk about fixing it. I don’t want to change- I feel safe in this way.

[@RP--no7wj]

I’m afraid to get attached to people because I’m afraid of the damage that detachment could do. I know, ironic.

[@Twilightpriest87]

Love=pain. You learned that somewhere, who taught you this?

[@RP--no7wj]

don Fefinho I don’t really know lol

[@Twilightpriest87]

@@RP--no7wj Just go back in time far enough, don't be afraid. The truth might be uncomfortable, but also liberating. I myself was abused by a comorbid NPD/BPD divorced mother and neglected by a father who ended up in a second marriage with a woman with the same condition, the eldest boy from that mating has the same role of scapegoat I had, so we have quite a rapport with little dude.

[@RP--no7wj]

don Fefinho yeah I grew up privileged, my parents and siblings were always supportive of me and I always had friends. But I guess, if I’m honest, my childhood was a little messed up at times.

[@C0smicun1vers3]

Same....

[@najmaali2916]

Im just scared/Terrified of doing something wrong and disappointing them. I just don't want to get hurt.

[@somniato7759]

Getting hurt is a part of life. Sad truth is, you'll get hurt no matter what, even if you avoid getting hurt. It's not a bad thing, you learn from it and grow from it, so you can be happier in the end.

[@kotaleartist]

Sad Lad i don’t want to be hurt when the other people don’t learn from it either. why do i have to be the only one suffering and made to be the bad guy for it.

[@najmaali2916]

@@somniato7759 tank you for this comment. I've never really thought about it that way cuz I was blinded by fear. And you're right there will be no growth if I don't experience this aspect in life. Thank you kind stranger

[@brucenatelee]

Kinda why I don't usually take risks to "strive for greatness." They're called risks for a reason. In order to avoid "Taking another L," I just say "fuck it" and leave it be.

[@Mr._Nobadi_M._Portent]

Or waste the other person's time

[@CelineOng]

I have trouble with emotional intimacy and have a lot of me time. It's a kind of defense

[@AutomaticDuck300]

I know what you mean. I don't even like people touching me.

[@williamwontiam3166]

Well, you have a right to it. Just make sure to compensate for its effects.

[@moonlightstargem1006]

Yea i don’t like the feeling of someone touching me. People don’t know how to touch in a way that makes me feel comfortable

[@michaelcorrigan6577]

I hear ya. At least your not alone. I'm that way and so are a lot of other ppl.

[@gabynava6881]

" truth is, everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for" -Bob Marley. Its ok to have me-time to take care of yourself and to take your time to open up to new people, just have in mind that even though out there the're people who just think about themselves (in a unhealthy way) and need to mature, that also means that out there the're very good people worth knowing if you know where to look. Just keep calm and keep taking care of yourself, you are a human being with a mind, a soul and as well with a heart who deserves to love by who you are and be respect as long as you respect.😏😸👍😘😘😘✌❤

[@ss75691]

Watching this makes me realize how far I have come to being emotional vulnerable. I was hyper-independent from a young age. I have learned to be more open, but I still feel easily suffocated by too much affection or an easily drained emotional support battery

[@janeyisSOcursed]

Maybe my “disconnect until you’re ready to reconnect”, isn’t as amazing as I thought it was.

[@Mendoxs_]

and I thought I was being smart when I came up with that lmaooo

[@DragonRider-cx7br]

I feel attacked right now

[@tinynecromancer]

This is my exact tactic rn STAWP

[@jdcv17]

Can never be ready to reconnect, though. And might possibly never reconnect.

[@saturn_xoxo]

@@jdcv17 same smh

[@jinppo]

The fact I never saw the neglect as a bad thing when I was younger, I get so angry whenever I see my parents treat my younger brother better than they did with me. Now I have difficulty forming and keeping a relationship with people since I tend to forget them, I try avoiding extreme situations, but deep down I really do want to be affectionate towards them. I want to form those relationships, and crushes that kids my age can do easily, but I’ve found difficult for years to do. I didn’t notice how avoidant I was towards people until my friend brought it up to me, and I began realizing how I was told “to be quiet like a fly on the wall” and to “behave” I was showing emotion but some of it could’ve been fake, I never showed me being sad because I saw it as a weakness, still do sometimes. I refuse to let others see me upset because I feel as tho I have to be the strong one for a person or they’d judge me for feeling that way, because I would too. My family was dismissive when it came to me being upset or emotional about a situation so I assumed I couldn’t talk to them about it or anyone else so I kept it all in. Though I did find people I was able to let my walls down on but only recently on more serious matters no one knew on, I am getting better...that’s all that matters to me.

[@NaetureG416]

Wow. You are me and I am you.

[@treeanimation368]

Damn even though my childhood is not as similar as yours i truly understand you You are not alone I hope we can get over this obstacle

[@esla1885]

Dang you laid it out so perfectly, it's like we're the same person, I also have a younger brother who is favored and treated better than I was at his age

[@bblulz7554]

i’m the same way

[@MrEpiclost]

@@esla1885 its always the younger brother aint it

[@sendthenavy1337]

Wait. *there's a name for that* *I HAVE BEEN LIED TO MY ENTIRE LIFE* *_I SWEAR I TOUGHT I WAS JUST BEING DRAMATIC_*

[@itsmagdalenaaa]

literally me tho 😭 💔

[@jasminerae3283]

aHAJJCK ME TOO

[@jimbo_0774]

or probably you are

[@tsukarikaoru]

Yeah I had no idea why I had such a visceral reaction to affection but I guess I know now

[@sippinhottea5656]

Lmfaoo same I always wondered what is wrong with me

[@weonadomicilio398]

I'm surprised because I clicked on this video thinking I'd learn something about some of my problems (avoidance sounds quite accurate), but every single trait described in the video actually matched with a friend. Thanks

[@ashtonderojas821]

You feel literally it's a never ending cycle that you cannot break. Showing emotions to certain degree is healthy yet the mind quickly squashes any attempt at it as it defines it as weakness and makes you look weak to others. You walk around in public or at work with a neutral or stoic face but to others you look like your pissed off when in fact your not. Want to get close to someone? The craving is there and you want to form a relationship with someone but as soon as you make the attempt your brain just shuts down that idea and your back to the good old I cannot rely on anyone but myself excuse. The idea of that someone will backstab you eventually creeps in and then you just figure it's best to keep them at arms distance or just have a friendly but not platonic relationship with them so you can "get by". When meeting new people you automatically avoid eye contact or just give a quick glance before focusing on something else to ease yourself into being comfortable but yet appear weird and awkward to other people and sometimes give the impression your a jerk. You find excuses to not go out when invited when deep down you want to go or when you do your just there to get as much socialization done to satisfy your needs before heading out. No matter what you try or change about yourself you always feel like its holding you back from enjoying life at its fullest and so you settle for the things that you think may make you happy. And the cycle goes on and on and on and you hope one day you will have the strength to finally break it.

[@sirnesbit1285]

How dare you post my personal thoughts here.

[@castduckling9506]

story of my life :-;

[@ommmmara]

this artstyle is adorable! the micro-animations add a lot

[@Psych2go]

thank you for your feedback

[@Naphia]

Thank you ❤️

[@StanDiggs]

the fact this was in my recommended.. i love being personally attacked by the youtube algorithm. 😍😍

[@El.R.]

No kidding

[@avonleamontague2469]

Lol 😆

[@erikkoski6129]

Same 🤣

[@tblmoon]

same 🥰🔫

[@sejulie487]

Yup! Lol

[@samanthajjackson]

I feel like my life is being read in this video and even more as I'm reading through the comments. Incredible how much we all relate. This is truly a heartbreaking and real way of life for some of us. I recognize it, I hate it and as much as I'd like to, I don't know how to change it.

[@thatguyuknow3407]

Ah hah ha ha my girlfriend's this type of attachment style and most people dont seem to understand her, and her boundaries. Just advice from me to anyone who is dating someone like this; be straightforward but respect their boundaries and never feel bad that they may want alone time it's their way of coping and coming around to opening up to you, especially when they start asking you to do things with them, you should takes this as a sign of vulnerability that they're showing you, and means they are interested but these things will take time and try not to turn them down on invitations they do not ask often especially if they have been single for a long time, or go through relationships quickly (usually people who are less patient).Also I did not find out till recently but it apparently took nearly six months for my girlfriend to decide whether or not she could even have coffee with me because she didn't want to seem needy or vulnerable and that shocked me because her demeanour never reflected that, so keep in mind that they do like you they are just a slow burner on emotional expression and have the greatest fear of weakness, though she seems to be the strongest person I know.

[@slyfox8631]

Your very smart

[@thatguyuknow3407]

@@slyfox8631 thank you, but it's more likely past experiences that make me seem so.

[@treeanimation368]

@@thatguyuknow3407 You're a very thoughtful boyfriend

[@shinaetae4074]

I want my future boyfriend to be just like you lol

[@thatguyuknow3407]

@@shinaetae4074 ha thanks

[@wiktoriawolny]

Me: has every sign Also me: this is fine.

[@PixelPerfectionist-w9g]

100%

[@evawambui2520]

Fr😭

[@mgtogno]

"Do you secretly look down on people who depend on others?" Nope...I do that openly.

[@alyssam3819]

LMFAOOOO ok same

[@karlaramirez1398]

BRUH SAME 💀 we emotionally unavailable or whatevaaa

[@maktar5135]

mah man

[@user-ux3ec8lp1i]

Antoine Bilbord bruh don’t judge ppl just cause you weren’t in their shoes. no one in this world can survive being independent. Some ppl might need someone to depend on due to childhood neglect and other reason and they are pretty much looking for someone to love them and be something they could never have, have some empathy

[@james0805]

A**hole

[@raspberrieswithcream]

The person’s voice and speaking rhythms are so natural. Easy to listen to, unlike those videos where every pause is cut out. Thanks!

[@benbryant8128]

Small anecdote: Was with a girl I really liked and had for years. We started dating and I always told myself that if I ever had a girl sing a specific song to me I would marry her on the spot. Well, it happened, and I started panicking, in my chest I could feel that I wasn’t ready for that kind of closeness/openness. The one thing I thought I had wanted for so long was finally happening and I was shaking with fear.

[@THEMANWITHTHEYELLOWHAT.]

Your Timbers we're shivering 😂

[@sydney1135]

can I ask what happened?

[@justincampbell3891]

"Winter"- Tori Amos "When you gonna make up your mind?/when you gonna love you as much as I do?"

[@susata5123]

Bruh, I made a similar promise to myself and i'm kinda scared it might happen

[@Odeon1970]

Well that's just silly of you, it doesn't mean you have what the video was talking about. Marriage is so much more complex than singing a song. Would ya marry a girl you absolutely hate if she sang that song?

[@sillysillyme8150]

who else wants the interactive polls back?

[@precioussketches1008]

Me🙋🙋🙋

[@avigayilfinger4829]

Me!!!

[@momoso143]

They had that?! Hey that would be so awesome!!

[@marohutokimune1582]

I have a friend like this, so many times he makes me angry because of confusion and frustration on his mood swings. Its hard when one moment they are chatty and friendly, and the next become anti social as if you dont exist for long periods of time. Always makes me feel like I did something wrong but I know theres always more too it. I just wish there was more communication when it comes to how they are feeling to be able to be more understanding.

[@alexan2717]

As someone who does this, not on purpose, but just because it happens like that, it's eye-opening to know how the other person feels as my friends never communicate with me about and I'm terrible at reading emotion or connecting facial/body language with emotion. I'm sorry that it can be infuriating for you, how sometimes your friend might ghost you for two weeks and then randomly message you out of the blue expecting to pick up where you left off like no time passed and that can be super frustrating. Sometimes we do need the other to engage first or to start the conversation first but keep it light, to tell exactly how you are feeling about something we did and why so that we can understand and try to work on that. I am currently working on improving myself, but it is very hard and frustrating for me too, and a built in survival instinct. I hope your friend is making better progress.

[@day9232]

Omg, this commentary just hit close to me. I'm dealing with this right now... My friend it's just like this and I'm being struggling about the way her mood swings, and she looks like don't trust me at all, when I'm open to her for everything and would do everything for her. I'm felling angry, confused and frustrated, because looks like I don't mean nothing to her. (And now, I open my heart on internet)

[@elbj132]

I’m so sorry :( I just had to say sorry for someone for this, and I feel so bad because it seemed like I was confusing them, but I don’t want to do it. For us it is so difficult to let people in, I am trying to overcome it and let people get closer to me by being more emotionally open, but still hard :( I am sending tons of love your way and hopefully your avoidant friend can become aware of the pattern, often we do it for a long time without realizing it

[@edamame1879]

im so sorry....im an avoidant myself and while i always feel bad when i leave someone because of my mood swings, i just cant help it. i need a space. sometimes it feels so hard to even have simple conversation. trust me, most of the time it's not your fault, it's just they just need some space to breath

[@schwiftynat]

@@edamame1879 i needed to read this. i have a feeling my friend is avoidant. i kept pushing her to communicate and share and it’s overwhelmed her so she began ghosting me, and eventually said “i just need some time and space and then we can talk” and i just couldn’t understand what i did wrong, and i still have doubts that she’ll ever talk to me again, it’s been almost a month but i have to trust our friendship. it just gets scary when i have abandonment issues, but when you said sometimes you need space, that really helps me see that this is normal and other people feel this way too. i’m trying to understand her more and understand her behaviors so i can be a better friend.

[@sachinmistry1]

My parents are narcissistic doctors. They both put in a lot of hours and didn't spend a lot of time with me when I was a young child. I remembered when I was growing up, my dad was usually an hour late picking up from school or whatever activity I was involved in. It came to a point where I couldn't rely on them, and had to stop participating in extra-curricular activities. I was always told to stop crying when I was hurt. I was always told to figure things out on my own. I was always criticized. I'm 41 years old right now and the longest relationship I've been in was 3 months. This video certainly explains a lot. I've been going to therapy for around 7 years now. I hope I can be repaired and be in a real loving relationship.

[@ceviriman.01]

Has therapy helped you?

[@sachinmistry1]

@@ceviriman.01 Therapy has definitely been a journey. There have been times where I left sessions feeling worse, because a memory has been triggered, or admitting that I need to improve in a lot of areas. I've become more aware of myself and what I need to do. I still don't have a girlfriend or been in a relationship. I need to put myself out there more, be more confident in myself, and learn to trust people again. I generally assume people are awful, and need to let go of that belief. I need to talk to strangers (which still seems scary). I also need to realize that I'm good enough and worthy of love, despite how competitive it is out there.

[@sachinmistry1]

@@ceviriman.01 My previous comment was hidden for some reason. I would say that therapy has been helping, but it takes work and accountability. Therapy uncovers a lot of triggers and bad memories. I now know that I need to work on my self confidence, and learn to trust and love people again. Not everyone is mean. There are people who really like me for who I am.

[@vaibhavmittal6961]

Hard truth: Most issues in adulthood stem from your childhood upbringing by caregivers.

[@gabrielam.7681]

You see, the problem is, I don't remember ever being neglected as a child. Somehow I feel like I've always had this attachment style. I always felt too scared and uncomfortable to open up to carers, but for the life of me, I can't remember why.

[@twig5543]

@@gabrielam.7681 I was reading an article about this a while back, because I'm avoidant but I didn't recall experiencing trauma or neglect in my childhood either. Apparently it's fairly common with avoidant types to subconsciously gloss over (or avoid! ha) the most negative aspects of their childhood, so they view their upbringing as fine or idyllic. When asked to talk about their happiest childhood memories, they draw a blank or can't be specific about happy times (i.e. they're very general). Annoyingly, I fit this type of person. I thought it was all fine until talking to a friend about one small thing and it became a therapy session! That's when I realised that actually when you add up the tiny things it can become something much bigger but you didn't notice it during the experience. So the question for yourself is: what are your happiest childhood memories? I hope you come up with something vivid! 😁 Just to clarify: I'm not asking you to respond, simply trying to give a little food for thought 🙂

[@gregoryjeffrey8569]

This is why I believe some ppl shouldn’t have kids

[@maximilianbrauckmann2302]

I don't remember being specifically neglected in a way but i was always a very sensitive child aswell as a trouble maker up to middle school. I found myself hearing teachers, kindergarden adults and my parents talking behind my back. they never said anything that wwasn't true either which only made me feel worse. I think that developed to a trauma over time.

[@beans9019]

@@gabrielam.7681 repressed memories or you could have been gaslighted as well. Therapy can help you!

[@blackbke]

Suffering from avoidant attachment messes with your life in a very profound way. Difficulty having (social and love) relationships is the most obvious, but there's a lot more to it. I'm in my forties now and from experience: * Inability to maintain a relationship * High difficulty coping with stress which limits school performance and professional career (I failed university due to it and I have hard time coping with stress at work) * Addiction and compulsive behaviour as coping mechanism (substance abuse but also porn for example) * Low self-esteem, compensated by looking down on humanity and its emotional 'weakness' * Very negative outlook on life and humanity * Depression, generalized anxiety, panic attacks and serious thoughts of suicide * Not knowing who you are since anxiety clouds your self-image, making it hard to make the right life choices * Loneliness * High risk of affecting your children the same way, if you have any (I don't since a child is the scariest form of attachment of them all) Worst of it all: you bear attachment issues for the rest of your life. Psychologists claim it can be managed (I haven't yet to be honest), but never cured. The circuitry in your brain is hardware, it can not be reprogrammed. And all that because parents projected their issues onto you in your first 4 years on this earth. That's pretty harrowing. That's not to say I haven't had any good times in my life, I have. But the consequences have always been there, and always will be. So prospective parents: please, please, please, take a good look into the mirror before you decide to have children. You will give them a hard life if you don't raise them securely attached. Thank you.

[@tanyarawat9700]

I thought it can be healed over time with a lot of effort and reinforcement cause of neuroplasticity and stuff?

[@rapfreedom9818]

You literally described me…I’m scared

[@blackbke]

@@rapfreedom9818 I described a part of you, not who you are in full. The goal of my post was definitely not to scare people, but rather inform them about the (possible) real world consequences of unsafe attachment. Once you start recognizing these processes it may be easier to cope with since you know where it's coming from. Won't ever be a walk in the park but at least you're not alone. Actually, if 10% of the world population has this issue, we're 800 million... (there's figures pointing to 25% even!).

[@captainpugwash7174]

I'm 53 and my only comfortable relationship I had ( we both had problems) died aged 42. My whole family died young and I'm completely alone in this world. I never had children and I'm struggling so much at the moment and it seems nobody cares.

[@gamilihama237]

​@@captainpugwash7174 may seem clichè but... you are not alone. Just hang in there... try to find something... really... just anything that can make you happy even just for a little while. Live now and do war another time...another day. Sorry for my English.

[@showmustgoon929]

Man, I'm so excited about dying alone.

[@ledamuir6979]

I feel you there

[@TheSuperappelflap]

everyone dies alone. its the big equalizer.

[@seekerlemm875]

Yaaaaayyyyyyy

[@nancyrojasarias9963]

Yup

[@HKKToppshotta]

Mee too 😏😪😭

[@dryremark17]

Starting to realize I’m probably fearful avoidant. Now starts the process of healing and addressing this. Great to see other people commenting and sharing their feelings on the matter

[@RealengoPrimordialDemon]

Hard-core avoider here, life is easier when you don't rely on others.

[@kaloric]

ok but literally same- like it takes so much longer to talk to others about my feelings, its so much easier to work on myself in my head rather than embarrassing myself in front of others LMAO

[@trevorfranks69]

I realized sometimes I just want someone to talk after a long day, and in the morning before I work to do my stuff

[@RealengoPrimordialDemon]

@@trevorfranks69 I don't have that problem, I can go for weeks without talking to anyone, the lockdown was the best time of my life. Alone in my house and escaping to my favorite places all to myself while everyone was locked inside.

[@G0dspeed101]

@@RealengoPrimordialDemon Ikr, I loved my alone time, while it was complete hell for my extroverted older brother 😂

[@bubu4951]

it means you have never had relationships? 😑

[@whatrtheodds]

I am a self aware avoidant. I love closeness but it's so horrifically terrifying. I just recently got a new boyfriend and his so good, we really get along, my first serious relationship in 7 years. So when he asked me out, and I said yes I spent nearly the full week after in sheer nightmarish panic. I woke up with my adrenaline racing though my body, I was thinking so much I couldn't focus, I felt crazy, I even depersonalized on one of the days everything felt like a dream, it was aweful. It was the most horrible experience. So I have avoided for a long time because I felt safe, happy , successful and comfortable that way and not feeling safe is very scary. So I am actively working through the fear, when it comes up and it does like a demon form another world I admit to myself how scared I am, but I also remind myself that right NOW everything is ok, I'm okay, I'm not really in danger. I look around the room to ground myself and I work through it. I tell you it's actually pretty confronting, but also an important step in me being a more healthy loving partner. 💖

[@XShollaj]

So how is it going

[@whatrtheodds]

@@XShollaj So we are at 6 and a half months. Things are going well. I don't freak out anymore. We don't live together which helps with adjusting to another person ( for me). I spend about 4 days a week at his house. I keep practicing communication that is open & honest. He saw me cry for the first time 5 months in. I accept my emotions come and they go, and I try my best to take responsibility for myself and not to blame.

[@MochaRose990]

@@whatrtheodds this is reassuring and I’m glad that you’re working through this and are aware that it is a fear response. I have similar struggles so this is very comforting to know it’s possible to work through it and have an understanding partner.

[@jsphotos]

@@whatrtheodds This is VERY courageous of you. Keep working on yourself and learning to love yourself. You ARE worth it. Best wishes always!

[@elisabetablandin2744]

Me! I’m 8 months in and my anxiety is getting much worse, though. I’ve been on meds for a while for anxiety and I was doing great until then…..I’m now going to see a therapist for it. (I recently moved and had to find a new doctor on my new insurance and all that). But idk. It is really hard! I’m constantly anxious. I hope therapy helps. I really want to work on this so I can be in a happy and loving relationship. My boyfriend is so patient with me but I don’t think he fully understands that I am very uncomfortable when he says he “loves” me and talks about being intimate and moving in and all that. I can’t commit to all that right now because of my issues. I tried explaining to him, but I don’t think he gets it. I don’t want to make him sacrifice his need for intimacy and I feel like a total asshole for reacting that way to his affection, but I swear, I don’t do it consciously!!!! I told him I’m working on it and he seems to be very patient and all that, so we’ll see. I’m in constant communication about this with him, so, I’m trying. It’s really hard. But I’m trying. I know it’s exhausting for y’all and it’s exhausting for me, too. We don’t want to be this way. Trust me.

[@hiitsme1744]

I don’t know why but I always cringe and get uncomfortable when someone asks if I’m ok, or hugs me . I don’t like showing my feeling. My classmates has never seen any other emotion other than happiness. I don’t really like when people cry because I don’t know what to say. I’ve never been neglected or anything.

[@kaloric]

same- i hate when people hug me. i hate when i cry in front of people. i broke down in a P.E class once, and let me tell you people came walking up to me like i was the popular kid or some shit, they were all asking me what was wrong and i kid you not i literally wanted to throw up. i hated the attention, i hated how they saw me like that, and i hated how i couldnt control my emotions.

[@reminiscence7555]

I’m similar, I don’t mind crying around people now because i’m too far gone to care and if people laugh that’s their choice. Hugs are nice but only from really close people in my life. I remember once I was in maths class and i laughed at a half funny joke and the majority of the class including the teacher just looked at me, weird experience. I asked my friend later what happened and he said that the first time my facial expression was noticeably different in that class for about a year. I never felt like I was suppressing anything, but I guess since I internalise everything it never really showed

[@nlynn.7]

holy shit. same

[@UrbanomicInteriors]

Physical neglect and emotional neglect are different things. It’s possible to be well taken care of on a material level such as having a clean safe home, a bed to sleep in and meals provided, however this does not mean that caregivers are emotionally present and attentive. Look into CEN - childhood emotional neglect.

[@reminiscence7555]

@@UrbanomicInteriors this is very interesting i’ll have a peek

[@James84800]

Wow right in the feels, wish I'd had this knowledge years ago it would have helped alot. The amount of times people who've invited me to join them and I just backed off and walked away because I didn't trust to the point of being fearful of having friends.

[@frostlord1246]

I have definitely been guilty of all of these in the past and I’ve noticed that I’ve slowly overcome some of the more serious one’s but intimacy still intimidates me. I guess I still have work to do.

[@zehalberto3644]

Great one, pal! WIP for me too. I've been thinking of a way to show myself why dealing with emotions alone can be kinda detrimental and why trusting people is good. I guess it's a long path, wish the best for you though ❤

[@dwuit49]

HOWWWWW

[@puglady]

Y’all time traveling-

[@bluu1834]

HOW ARE PEOPLE SO EARLY WH-

[@alaaye5237]

Ummm... how did you get there.

[@theflyingcatz]

I was almost completely free of this type of attachment, including my trust issues, but I got cheated on and I'm right back at square one. It's a damn shame.

[@SweetSerenadeXyWem]

Ah but this also means you can get out of there again. But I'm sorry to hear someone cheated on you. I hope you'll feel better after some time.

[@karishort1891]

It is a damn shame because you are a cutie 😪

[@GoodfellaZeta4873]

Unforgivable...was she aware of that problem?!

[@theinsfrijonds]

At least you got the name legend on KZbin. That’s pretty cool

[@user-ch6uw4pf2x]

Ooof I feel that 😢

[@Laserkitten]

I ran into the issue of just burning bridges of new friendships that get too close, one month I would be their best friend (happened to my only relationship as well), and I just couldn’t address an issue I had with them and would stay quiet. I would drift apart from them, and once they start trying to understand what’s wrong with me, I just cut them off in an argument. I’m too personal and need to open up more, i can make new friends fine, but keeping them is hard.

[@ironically7561]

Totally relate to this comment 100% i am really starting to wonder whether two people with this same attachment style would make amazing friends cos they get it (don’t want the pressure of intense friendship) or awful because they are both avoidant. If you ever want to talk more let me know. I honestly am finally feeling understood in this comment section.

[@pinxelated2799]

I feel this sm.

[@Light_HouseK]

Story of my Life

[@purplejinxer3478]

I feel you. I know a lot of people, but I cannot say I trust anyone to the point of opening myself emotionally.

[@sanjanagrover7436]

@@ironically7561 me too ..... finally feeling understood *I totally agree!! I am Attachment avoidant becoz of fear of getting HURT , how to get out of this type of mental block due to past bad experiences??*

[@RainbowPeep10]

This one. Makes me feel secure within myself while knowing I am not secure outside myself.

[@Speckaboo]

As someone with this type of attachment style, my only advice is that while we should all strive to work around our trust issues, we shouldn’t feel pressured or be forced into being emotionally open with other people. I’ve only had one relationship thus far, and it ended up a train wreck because of our conflicting attachment styles. He was emotionally clingy and always gave and gave and gave without ever focusing on himself, and would take it to heart whenever I was dismissive of him. Meanwhile I’m pretty much everything in this video with everyone, but I was pressured by others to be more emotionally intimate with my bf and I essentially had to force myself to be more expressive. It was exhausting, to the point where I felt uncomfortable just being around him. Exaggerating my feelings only caused me to associate stress and discomfort with my bf, and I wound up having to avoid him more and more in order to emotionally ‘recharge’, but he rarely gave me the chance to. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore and had to break up with him, and while it wasn’t an easy decision it was certainly the right choice. We should all work on opening up to others, but we shouldn’t be forced into doing so when we aren’t ready. Take your time and learn to love yourself first. I hope someone found this useful, since I certainly needed this advice before.

[@icy3293]

I'm tearing up. Seriously I know I didn't take the time to understand my own girlfriend who I never knew had an avoidant attachment style. I never had the chance to understand her well and I was frustrated. This comment opened my eyes to so much and saw how clingy I could actually be, knowing how I take so much of what she always said to me straightforwardly to heart. We always have arguments till now but I know she's still worth a keeper. And I still want to be with her till the end. I want to be of help for her than be a nuisance. I want to understand her and not be so discouraged all the time. All I could give her is my patience but I know I could give more and I don't know where to start. I'm sorry if I ranted out like this here. I just really love her so much and I just want to help her the best way I can. The problem is, I really don't know how or where to start. (Ps. We're in a long distance relationship)

[@hershey4079]

I needed this

[@ChocoParfaitFra]

I’m the anxious type and my ex is an avoidant. I was the one who encouraged and then insisted that he opened up with me, cause I was always doing it and I wanted him to do the same. I do understand your point of view, if I were forced to do something I wouldn’t feel like doing it at all. But I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do in a relationship, hiding your feelings certainly doesn’t help. I don’t know for sure why he walked away from me since there were other things going on (we were in a ldr and he wanted to move to another country) but I think that me wanting reassurance and wanting him to be more open scared him away, even tho he’s always said that I didn’t do anything bad and I didn’t bother him but I’ll never know. I just know that I called him cold and insensitive, not because of this but because of other behaviors and I didn’t know it had a name, so I feel bad for saying those things to him

[@kar-lm5nj]

hi, this was the exact situation i was in too. broke with up my partner a couple of weeks ago because of it, so thanks i needed to hear that.

[@ChocoParfaitFra]

kar because he was avoidant or anxious?

[@cheez8813]

I've lost so many opportunities in life due to this crappy feeling of mine. I've lost good friends, the path to reach my goals, and my old personality.

[@emmanordgren6086]

Sameeee, ive got a list of the boys whom ive gotten-panicked-about-and-then-pretended-did-not-exist-until-they-took-the-hint, and i sit with it...

[@ultracarterac6608]

do you ever wonder what happened to yourself? that young kid who had ideas, ambitions, and hope just, died. sometimes I wonder what happened to me, how things came to be? maybe it's easier on your own; at least you know the mistakes are on you. less confusion that way.

[@melon7884]

the idea of being emotionally vulnerable in front of someone makes me cringe so hard lol. I know I have avoidant attachment but I don’t understand why because I wasn’t raised in a neglectful family or anything like that. I feel like there’s a lot wrong with me but I have nothing to trace it back to.

[@AlejandroLopez-sz4pd]

Same

[@urdad9506]

damn this comment right here

[@fuckyoutubeman]

neglect or emotional neglect? for years I thought I have no reason to feel all those things described in the video until I realized my mom raised me without much attention. she didn't talk about nor tought myself how to feel and accept uncomforable emotions. I always had food, shelter, etc. at home though. no 'real' neglect there. she even told us she loved us etc., but basically whenever I was sad, she didnt know how to handle it (because she couldnt let herself be vulnerable) and I surpressed all my 'bad' emotions which led to terrible results. she is a wonderful person but lacked severely in that regard. and it's ok to admit it. maybe you see yourself here somewhere.

[@savstinks6847]

A friend I have is the total opposite of me, she's so emotionally vulnerable, she doesn't listen to the class if she wants to, her choices are driven by her emotions. I always wish I can kinda be more open about my emotions, so I admire her emotional vulnerability but at the same time I always think her choices are illogical and naive. I also feel bad when I look like I didn't care when she vented to me, I always have a blank face whenever ppl vent to me about sad things

[@cestalia]

I think it's because a combination of strong independence and boundaries. I don't have problems with others, but I just want avoid them to avoid drama or problem.