Psychologist Explains What Helps Avoidants Heal | Healing An Avoidant Attachment Style

[@MikeCanDoIt]

The last line is the best line. "Before Avoidants can meet their partner emotionally, they first have to meet themselves emotionally."

[@MimifromChicago]

Yes, that was interesting. If only we knew how.

[@bryanthomas4907]

Thank you for giving us advice and compassion instead of demonizing us or calling us narcissists. A lot of us used to be anxious attachment style types and then one day got tired of other ppl being in control of us. I really wish anxious style types could understand this. We're not out to get you, we are trying to heal in peace.

[@johnarchluleta]

I love and adore an avoidant woman and I just wish her the best and hope she finds happiness. If by some miracle, she could heal, I would love to love her. But she’s like a ghost. So heart breaking. Thanks for putting this information out there

[@Bat_Boy]

It's a matter of trust. And the betrayal of trust. And not having a safe place to be ourselves, resulting in a lack of self. A ghost can change, and solidify. A zombie (hurt people, unknowingly hurting others) or a vampire, draining your energy...can not.

[@MickeyInSD]

Huge hugs to you.... This is ouchy stuff. It's traumatizing. You love her unconditionally. It's amazing that you love and trust yourself enough to had been real about it. That is of great value. You are of great value. I'm sorry she ghosted you in the end... it can be difficult when blame cannot be placed anywhere or on anyone.

[@cspace1234nz]

Yeah I fell in love with an avoidant and we had the most amazing time together, not so much as a cross word. Just that it was too good, clearly. Too much love, too much intimacy, too much of all the good stuff, she just had to sabotage it. I’m pretty secure and emotionally very strong, I ended the relationship after her first emotional shutdown. Heart breaking stuff but I have zero tolerance for emotional unavailability in relationships. I’m here to learn how to avoid the avoidants in future, they are very hard to spot at the start. Now I would simply ask them right at the start.

[@sutapagoswami116]

@@cspace1234nz Same here. As an earned secure (originally anxious), it was hard for me to spot the avoidant in him. After both of us falling hard and having some genuinely good time together, he had to shut down and sabotage it. While initially my anxious self protested out of fear of abandonment, his neglect forced me to heal and become secure. Now, I have zero tolerance for emotional unavailability and have immeasurable empathy, compassion, and even a little bit of pity for him. I am ready for attracting secure energy in my life, and look at that as a learning experience. However, the way he treated me was surely a tough pill to swallow. Guess some lessons need to be learned the hard way.

[@collettelavore7095]

Unfortunately, from my experience, they don't change. Thank God that I got out while I still have a few good years left!

[@davecenker7647]

I feel like I could and should watch this every morning as a sort of mantra and reminder that every moment is an opportunity.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

“Every moment is an opportunity." - love that!

[@talixius]

"Every moment is an opportunity" - Jeffrey Dahmer

[@xXboingXx]

I like that. It reminds me of an exercise I did in a seminar "Be a walking Yes to everything." It helped me see how much my default answer was always no and I was missing out on living.

[@markgillespie1885]

Same!

[@laurenc2976]

Is there any way I can help an avoidant? I was in a relationship with a loving, caring, considerate man for a year before he abruptly broke up with me in such a cold and heartless way. It was an abrupt discard which caused me indescribable emotional pain and heartache. My love for him has never faded and we now coexist in this half hearted friendship I initiated because I couldnt bear to lose him. This frequently results in physical intimacy between us (including affection and the closeness that only exists between a loving couple) but as soon as I'm no longer in his presence he goes back to being cold, distant and avoidant. I know I'm basically accepting breadcrumbs of affection off him which is a pitiful situation to be in but I've tried everything over the last six months to heal things and nothing has worked. I'd appreciate any advice besides the obvious statements such as "Let him go." "Run away and don't look back." I appreciate the good intentions but that's not going to happen. I gave my heart to this man and even though he's rejected it countless times... I truly can't let him go. I wish I could.

[@davidmadden3293]

"Love means not burdening others with your needs and problems." That really hit close to home for me.

[@Itzanunnya2019]

Realizing that not every child is encouraged to identify how they feel, and process those emotions..... "Teach your children well"...... ❤

[@mariamvictor8242]

"Healing from avoidant to secure attachment ".. It's greatly worthy. . Do thank you Doctor. . Everyone need to hear that. . May Jesus surrounds you with His endless love. .You consoled our hearts &;your messege is light & hope . .God bless you. .❤

[@markgillespie1885]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I, like many others am very avoidant & just got out of a very painful break up (with an anxious). So many things on KZbin attack avoidants & makes it seem like we’re cruel & hopeless. Thank you for this wonderful video, your great understanding, knowledge, & compassion toward us. & thank you for showing us there is hope to heal to secure attachment styles. I am so grateful for this video ❤️❤️❤️

[@johnhatch2519]

Thank you, Dr. Maika. I've been exploring the world of Attachment Theory for about 9 months in an effort to get closer to a woman whom I am very deeply attached to but who seems to be of the Avoidant Attachment style. I've seen hundreds of videos on the subject and attended many hours of therapy 1:1 to try to help me learn more about myself and how I relate to those around me. Your video is one of the best. Factual and clearly explained without extraneous flourishes. Concise and helpful. Thanks.

[@mathislearn]

Thank you so so much for this video ! It helped me understand why and how I am like that, realise that deep down I hate it. And gave me hope. Now I feel I can heal this avoidant part that no longer serve me. Even if I'm just starting this journey, you've already changed my life in such a beautiful and positive way. Thank you

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🙏🏻 and 👏🏻🙂🙋‍♀️

[@SmittyEh.]

I've been finding your content to be very helpful and thought provoking. At times good to watch a video twice, a week apart, to give time to process. I value your use of simple camera framing you use for focusing the viewer on what you are conveying. Finally the familiar transition at the end during wrap up is nice. I like the style you've developed. I am looking forward to continuing to grow myself and learn how others think along with your videos.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Thank you for the feedback and glad to have you here!

[@pollyannakarina]

Maika, you are a delight to look at and listen to.

[@ayaabramson]

So insightful! And so true on so many levels ! This video channel is so helpful and good at guiding through the trials and tribulations of trying to get a beloved avoidance partner to love and respect them selves as they said they didn’t respect themselves leading to him breaking up the most love and respect filled 3.5 month relationship we had last summer. Which set me off on a journey to make sense of the breakup as the relationship was free of any drama, criticism , fights and issues

[@Danny-zb1ze]

Hello Doctor, thank you sm for this Video. I never could form a long term relationship in my 23years, and I always worked on the reasons for what I believed were the causes for it I.e. money, looks, charisma, achievements . Even now after feeling relatively comfortable in those areas and things still wouldn’t work out, I realized there has to happen a change within myself. Thank you for covering this problem, I am hopeful and inspired that I can learn the tools to be more emotional and less avoidant to find a great partner.

[@sumeetsukhi7100]

u are one of the best therapist believe me!!

[@xXboingXx]

I found my mind wandering when things were starting to make sense. I'll try watching again tomorrow. One thing that I do a lot to justify my detachment is constant rationalizing. I desire and crave interaction, affection, full self expression, acknowledgement, and love; but rationalize that it's not worth the risk of being hurt, or what's the point if everyone is going to go extinct within a couple decades from Climate Change or WWIII anyway..

[@DaveE99]

Heck I have more from the betrayal side between manufactured consent, psychological warfare, contained opposition and counter insurgency strategy. Like humans are messed up. And lots of things done to not help. It is useful to know your core wounds and sometimes look at the things you learn and repreat easily that stick without effort, and kinda place those in categories of core wounds and what they are.

[@tahoforbreakfast]

What if rather than rationalize you try to stay with your body? Feelings are always registered in the body: a racing heart, sweaty palms, muscle tension somewhere. You just stay with your body and notice what you feel instead of allowing your mind to spin stories about humanity heading nowhere. To be fair we are heading nowhere but delving in that is disempowering. Mindfulness and meditation really helps with rationalization. If you really wanna change then you really gotta help yourself and do the work necessary to create new neural pathways that'll change your attachment style. Good luck, friend. I wish you all the best because you deserve all the things you desire.

[@nathalecoo]

Your video is very helpful for insight and your voice is very calm and soothing, thank you 🙏

[@JonathanRobinson11]

Thank you so much for the clear and cogent explanation. Also, the tempo of your explanation makes it easier to understand and digest.

[@Apbt-rv7zw]

Well done, this is brilliant. Well researched. Thank you.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🙏🏻✨

[@dextercool]

Clear, comprehensive and concise - liked and subbed.

[@NatashaMeares]

Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.

[@dweight8888]

This must be so incredibly hard, i had a situation with this FA, we knew each other for 2 Months and it even that hurt so much, having someone be your partner for 2 years and then being suddenly dropped like that must be gut wrenching, i wish you all the peace and healing, remember you were fine before them and you are gonna be fine again

[@HerbertLandei]

I'm 50 years old, found out about being a DA three, four years ago (apparently taking so long is quite typical). Now that I understand the mechanism, so much in my life finally makes sense, and I try to embrace the opportunity. But the thing is that I'm scared shitless about the amount of my denial, about losing the security of trusting my brain, about the constant prospect of self-sabotage. And the regret - or more the horror - of having wasted most of my life. I never had a long term relationship, and I miss it badly, but I also know how difficult it would be not to destroy it. I'm glad I'm over my denial, but it also shattered my self-image, my whole reality, and it makes me feel overwhelmed. It's hard not to drown in self-pity when feeling my feelings is a big part of making progress, and self-pity being one of the strongest of these emotions.

[@mariareginarosaria8927]

You're a good speaker!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Thank you!

[@catharsis1227]

Could you do a video over anything to do with drug addictions? Either addicts themselves or people who care for addicts. Id love to hear what you think about that subject. Big fan of your videos and what you do!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I'm glad my videos resonate with you! I've noted down your request, although I get a lot of them and can't make any promises 💖

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Oh, by the way, have you seen this one yet: How To Stop Numbing / Repressing Feelings &Emotions With Busyness, Alcohol, Drugs, Sugar Or Worrying kzbin.info/www/bejne/iYunmGqdgqijbck

[@rookkun8205]

​@@DrMaikaSteinbornall those things I do! Perfect, thank you so much for the recommendation

[@soulmate0849]

Your content is always so practical and helpful! Thank you ❤

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Glad it resonates with you 💛

[@liviredden]

Wow I needed this more than you know. Thank you.

[@NewDayNewLight]

Wow! Kept me attached the entire video, wanting more .. not avoiding- watching from afar

[@mils232]

Can you do one on anxious attachment

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Yes - already filmed it 🙂. I'll post one more on avoidant attachment next week, then two weeks for anxious attachment.

[@highfivedog]

Like others here said it I too think this is one of the best videos I have seen on this subject. Thank you! New follower here🎉

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Welcome to the channel :)

[@Endogal]

I hope healing for all the guys on here, but feels weird I don’t see other women here as avoidants. I always feel like an expectation that I should be better at emotion stuff. Only recently with therapy realized this applies to me. Explains so much. Took so long to find a good therapist. If you haven’t found one yet, don’t give up.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Statistically, more men are avoidants than women, so it makes sense you‘d see more men identifying with being avoidant in the comment section than women…

[@etoiledereine]

Thank you.

[@deiseguimaraes7832]

Always very helpful 🙌

[@mirelladlima5278]

Very well explained 🙏

[@chuck3999]

Excellent presentation! I wonder how the avoidant can feel and observe himself, when he begins to lower his defensiveness?

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Great question. Any change does start with observation and awareness. I explain how to do that in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/n3e5gJSeiKupd9k and this one kzbin.info/www/bejne/aJmmmJtmqs2toJY

[@richardstlouis9944]

Can one become avoidant an emitionally distant father and a mother who got emotional needs through their son

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Yes, that's a very common backstory for avoidant attachment - a child feeling overwhelmed by the misplaced expectations and high demands of a parent and then withdrawing/avoiding as a coping mechanism.

[@billhosko7723]

Bravo. Thank you.

[@mirelladlima5278]

Avoidant attachment is also on a scale or continuum so it varies depending on the unique environment you have been raised in 🙏

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

💯

[@kindstranger1455]

I luv you😊❤,wished i met you sooner😁you do really care and i feel it, nice to meet you😊🌹🌻🌹🌻you re a sun flower in my life😊.i felt so much better watching this thank you😁.

[@ihsankhan8799]

It's a fleeting world - can you do something about it Maika

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I‘m not sure I understand what you mean 🤔

[@ihsankhan8799]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn you cannot get hold of time - the moment - so how can one do his best living in the moment (a good topic to discuss)

[@marcopasin7842]

Can you explain all three, please? 😊

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I've got two videos coming on anxious attachment in the next few weeks. I'll take note of your interest in disorganized attachment, too. It's relatively rare compared to the others, but probably also good to share information on it nevertheless...

[@marcopasin7842]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn Thank you ❤️🇮🇹

[@ambercozzinowak]

You have a great style of talking

[@Daneiladams555]

well done as usual

[@earlgrey2130]

Avoidants PLEASE get therapy. You traumatize people that fall for you. You ruin their lifes You damage their ability to trust and love for life. PLEASE heal yourself. It saves your life and everyone you connect with.

[@Zirt_Nerd]

Avoidants don’t break you. Your fear of abandonment broke you. Your wound got hit. You should go to therapy and heal. Stop blaming others when a secure person wouldn’t be hurt like you are. From a fellow AP

[@pumukkli]

I agree with above comment. You ruin your own life. Have healthy boundaries, and you won't need to blame others for your own decisions. You cannot send the whole world to therapy. You would still have to discern

[@Zirt_Nerd]

@@pumukkli ok but if i could make everyone go to therapy i would. But that's a different discussion lmao

[@gregorystinette8271]

Epic content

[@Vitaminb666]

The Affirmations completely broke my dam, im slowly deconstructing this filter. After my brake up, only recently i began to Understand what was missing, now i completely Understand what went wrong in our Relationship, Its so unfortunate, i didnt know better,I was such a prick, she is now with someone else, and i really hope they find Happiness.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

All the best to you, too!

[@no_more_free_nicks]

Piękne słoneczniki w tle.

[@NClark-wb5cq]

No Contact Question: Am I breaking no contact if I open a text from him and it shows that I read it? I don't plan to respond but the parameters of our 6-month break and no contact are below. 1. I believe he's a fearful avoidant 2. We discussed our break and no contact before starting it. 3. We agreed to 6 months no contact - I have since learned that three months would have been a better start but I have not said anything to him. 4. We agreed to contact in an emergency and I agreed that I would be willing to talk to the therapist if the therapist wanted to talk to me. 5. It's already been a week and he has texted me this morning texted me this afternoon and has just tried to call me.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Did you talk about how you'd contact each other in case of an emergency (text, call, voice message)? ... If you agree to be availbe for emergencies or the therapist, that means you agreed to continue reading his texts or taking his calls to see if it's either of these cases, isn't it? ... Perhaps it would help to read the text and respond something like “This isn't the kind of emergency I had in mind and as I see it this text doesn't align with our decision to take a break and go no contact for that time. Please respect our decision, otherwise our break won't have the positive effect we're aiming for.” (If that's the case...)

[@NClark-wb5cq]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn Thank you so much!!

[@Sa.Smi.92]

I learned I was avoidant attachment when I was 25. I had been in therapy since I was 20 I am now almost 60 and I’ve lived alone since I was 15 years old. I don’t see myself changing I don’t see that there’s really any way to change and when I have tried to get close to people they’ve almost always been the same kind of sociopaths as my parents. My mother loved to tell the story of how I never cried in my crib I just lay there and she never knew when I was awake. She thought it was awesome I never cried.

[@trinesrensen560]

That is awful. It really is true though, that predatory types of people can tell who they can manipulate easier, and then do so. It's not like they show their true colours from the start either, so can't easily just avoid them.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Very sad. Your mother was "checked out". Never too late to change things around with your healing journey ❤

[@kodydylan892]

My mother would always brag about how easy me and my brother were to raise. Really we were emotionally neglected and just went inside ourselves

[@Aquaflange]

I definitely lean into the avoidant/ independent side and identified with many of the traits in the ‘are you avoidant’ video. I wonder how difficult this will be to resolve if also dealing with common neurodivergent related issues such as alexithymia. If you don’t even know how you feel about xyz then you can’t process it, share it and may struggle to empathise with others?

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Neurodivergence and alexithymia can definitely make it more of a challenge, and it would be necessary to find tools to help there as well. I've seen and worked with neurodiverent people that were able to shift into a secure attachment stlye, though, I don't think it's impossible.

[@mikewilliams235]

So intuitive!

[@NikD215]

I never learned anything about relationships, my mother never wanted kids but had me because of society. She lived her life like a single woman, I was left alone like 98% of the time, when my mother was home, she wanted nothing to do with me. She was very hypersexual and when she did have a relationship, it lasted no more than 6 months. I was never allowed to have feelings, and I was often called a whore for just having a crush on a boy. I learned to be as small and quiet as possible just to survive. I never learned how to just be a human, so here I am in my 40s only having 1 relationship with an interested in dating but having no interest in dating, mostly because I don't know how.

[@cjiwnf]

Can you talk about if it's okay for an avoidant to yell at me. And mostly not hit me but just playing

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

It's not okay for anyone to yell at you regardless of attachment style.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Verbal aggression is not ok.

[@gardengym496]

Can you tell more on what you meant by “not hit me but just playing”, please? Asking out of generous curiosity

[@flammungous3068]

Fuck, that is me.

[@zloungeact]

Will my suffering ever end?

[@joygibbons5482]

Why should I want to “heal” it anyway? I prefer solitude and a few good relationships by my standards while swerving any romantic attachment, which is stultifying and intrusive while offering nothing other than having my life hijacked. Nor do I feel empty or unfulfilled, it’s too much closeness which irritates the life out of me.

[@ElectreIsMore]

Spoken like a true avoidant. That's all good then, just stay the way you are, it's ok as long as you don't date/hurt anyone :)

[@rajisinghsoni2321]

As long as you're happy, why even bother with a video like this? As long as you're up front with anyone you might want to date, so you keep it shallow and explain you don't want to meet any need for interdependence they might have, then that's exemplary behaviour. If you do all that, then you're an exemplary being because you don't get into situations that cause emotional attachment to lead to heartbreak.

[@Daneiladams555]

its easier to be alone as an avoidant, its been a long road

[@johnarchluleta]

I hope you find someone to love and are able to heal enough to understand that love is a blessing and not a burden. All the best

[@Daneiladams555]

@@johnarchluleta thanks, me too

[@johnarchluleta]

@@Daneiladams555 you’re worth it and you’re enough just as you are.

[@Daneiladams555]

@@johnarchluleta yes I know this, but in relationship I forget

[@kkc6155]

Not easier really...but avoidants need love and kindness...they are worthy but were made to feel they were not

[@wendydaniel1110]

Generational curses.....Heal and reclaim your soul. ❤

[@ElectreIsMore]

Beautiful comment. Accurate poetry.

[@jamesscholz8338]

This is me! It only took one minute and 44 seconds. I am so screwed

[@Kurokitty23]

It’s funny because I have this attachment style but I’m an infp 2w3

[@MentalSurvival]

The thing I hate about all of these 'heal your avoidant attachment style' is that they always relate to being in a relationship, how to relate to your partner better. I haven't been on a date in 10 years. I'm a middle aged man and the longest relationship I've ever been in was about 4 months. I would say that if someone is already in a relationship, then they probably aren't very avoidant in the first place. Make videos for those of us who chronically lonely and don't know how to get out.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Good video topic idea, this is very relevant. Would it be possible for you to share your perspective on how come you're stuck in loneliness/not been on dates?

[@kk-fo3zx]

Are there any other relationships in your life that might allow you to practice things like emotional vulnerability or expressing needs? I struggle with a similar situation and somewhat agree with your assessment. Tbh, these videos really helped me understand my thoughts and feelings in situations including friends, family or coworkers. While a partnership is probably where attachment wounds show up the most, working on relational issues is possible outside of it as well. Therapy can be exceptionally helpful as well, i can't recommend it enough. Dr. K of "HealthyGamer" has also published lots of content that might be interesting to people struggling with similar issues. His relatively recent collaboration with Dr. Honda of "Psychology in Seattle " on the topic of AvPD has been quite interesting to me.

[@PassportDialectic]

Stoicism matters.

[@sunflowermist23]

Are players avoidants coz they lack feelings too?

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Yes, many players are avoidants. (But not all avoidants are players!) It’s not that they lack feelings, though, they’ve just buried them far away…

[@CHDean]

1:29 I don’t “feel safe”. TY Narcissists

[@robblee433]

7:55 these days, if a man acts in line with these maxims it give women The Ick

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

...not all women 🙂

[@First.nameLastname]

Heal? Just need to protect ourselves from those crazy others. -spoken by one with an avoidance attachment style.

[@oliverabrajanovska9610]

The same for people with autism Asperger’s, because most of them live a single life, and are not married or live in a loving relationship, and they don’t seem to feel their feelings as I had a relationship with one who sometimes said: I don’t know what is good for me. I can’t feel it. They seem to have alexythimia emotional blindness. If you think the other people are crazy, and you can’t understand them, maybe you could have Asperger’s because these people don’t understand the Neurotypical. Probably there are more men which are not diagnosed and they don’t know they have it. But avoidant people can be also married, but keep their partners at distance by working too long or having hobbies they spent outside with other friends or alone or having other obligations trust not to feel the closeness and intimacy with their partner, so it is like being lonely together in a relationship/marriage

[@First.nameLastname]

@@oliverabrajanovska9610 quick Dx there

[@Lupine.]

We live in a Society. To survive, we have to rely on Duality for there to be room for emotional needs. Seems like they're a luxury.

[@selmathornton5489]

As an avoidant I’m not gonna watch this video 😂

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

😂

[@tonygueug4342]

🙏🙏❤❤✨✨

[@francespotter7697]

Even though the content is good, there's something really weird about this video. Someone please tell me it isn't AI.

[@_rebecca_jean]

Her delivery is stable and warm. If she is a robot, I like her humanity a lot ☺️❤

[@jennifernace1666]

I think it is just choppy amateur editing, I notice it too.

[@gantneba]

maybe its her left (no, HER right eye) that's a bit droopy and not perfect for your highness. But that's what makes it real and perfect.