Q&A! Whack-A-Mole, A Sexless Marriage, & Once Bad In Bed, Always Bad In Bed? - Ep 110 - Dear Shandy

[@gregorylaperche5574]

I disagree with Sharleen on which country has better sex. I have had sex with so many people, and Americans are much better in the bedroom than Canadians. The United States of America has more shared national trauma with events such as 9/11, The Cuban Missile Crisis, and Pearl Harbor. This leads to a baseline for bonding experiences and shared intimacy that Canadians just don't have. I think Sharleen should read more history like Americans do. All Americans are extremely well informed in history. If Sharleen read history, she would understand how these traumas have effected us, and she wouldn't be so dismissive of American's shared traumas and sexual experiences.

[@machinelevine1]

I believe this is a joke, but I’m only 95% sure, which makes it a strong contender for the top spot in our meta contest. I applaud you sir (I think). Well played (probably).

[@phoenixgirl70]

I’m Canadian and have had my share of both. Pretty much the same. But I can tell you even if a tragedy didn’t happen in our country, the flag doesn’t matter. We mourn for the people involved. We cry, feel the pain, have the nightmares…all of it. But I can truly say Living on the border, I’ve never had a Dude talk to me about foreign affairs with a lot of death and we both got so aroused we ran to the nearest hotel to give ourselves a, um, Big Bang (sorry I couldn’t help myself the pun was too strong) Btw, the WORLD was terrified of the middle crisis you better believe people everywhere thought they’d destroy the entire world! And by the time Pearl Harbour came we had already been fighting in WW2 for years. When they mention the British that meant Canada too. I love most of the ppl in both countries and men pretty damn equally🇨🇦🇺🇸 In the bedroom!

[@phoenixgirl70]

@@machinelevine1 We hope because this was a strong contender. I tried to sus it out in my response by certain comments that would surely upset not a joke answer.

[@dearshandy]

We have a winner. PINNED.

[@phoenixgirl70]

Damn he got me good! After the years with the Cheeto, satire is so blurred! 😂@@dearshandy

[@MathPiHanan]

53:32 listening to this episode today, I wonder how Mr. Mister is doing now that it’s been a year.

[@sarahmcclain9169]

I was thinking that it would be very interesting to hear/watch a "Q&A Follow-Up" where writers that you and Andy have talked about, reach back out with an "update"

[@melissap3539]

I looove this podcast! I've consumed every piece of your online content I could find. Keep it coming. You two brighten my day!

[@dearshandy]

Thank you, Melissa! It brightened our day to know we brightened yours 🤗

[@Erica-hn9mw]

Re: Question 1--> I'm the same age, in a similar situation and have been listening to this podcast for a while... and one of the main things I've learned from y'all is to take it easier on myself. I'm learning to give myself grace, chill out and enjoy my youth. I used to think I was some kind of loser because it seemed like everyone around me was in a relationship, and I was just looking, failing to find someone, and it not working out with who I'd hoped. Sometimes you're in the relationship and sometimes you're just out there looking and both are OK places to be!!

[@abbyabroad]

ABSOFREAKINLUTELY

[@qqq829]

My laugh today so far.. has been when Sharleen didn't recognize Andy's MisterMister and he's like "I don't know you anymore" 😆😅

[@meganhuffmanwrites]

As a voice actress, I can actually answer Andy's query regarding what it means to "phone" something in and where the idiom came from. In voice acting, it is commonly thought the best performance a voice actor can give is one where they are in person with the director and sometimes other cast members in a vocal studio. However, sometimes due to extenuating circumstances, they can't physically be there and thus have the option to call in to the studio and record/be directed over the phone. There's historically been a widely held derogatory opinion on doing this--implying that somehow the performance one gives over the phone is of lower quality or less authentic than if they had performed in person. Also, since the person on the phone can't be seen, there's an implication that they could be doing anything in the background and not giving the performance their all--thus, phoning it in. This is an idiom often used to refer to a very talented actor or actress not giving a performance their best effort (maybe because it's beneath them, they're coasting on their star power, etc.) in a film or television show. The performance often lacks enthusiasm and you can tell they're making the least effort possible. I've never heard of "mailing it in" so that's an interesting off-shoot I had to look up. Apparently that comes from sports jargon, with references dating as far back as the 80's. I'm not a sports person so I can't confirm this. Interestingly, the pandemic has actually forced a copious number of us to remotely record our vocal performances, so I wonder if the negative connotation of this idiom will change as a result! As always, I love the podcast and the gift you two give to the world through this platform!

[@Stephie_L]

The metaphors in this episode had me cracking up. The rice bowl and Avon hand cream, that was gold 😂 And when Andy started singing, I recognised the song straight away. Took me back to my childhood. I think deep down music is one of Andy’s true passions. More of Andy singing please :)

[@dearshandy]

Music IS Andy's passion! When he's stressed he plays guitar and it honestly transforms him. 🥰

[@Stephie_L]

@@dearshandy Aww that's amazing! Yeah, I could feel that shift in him...like a sense of freedom when he was singing. Andy's really fun but I can also tell he's a bit of an over thinker at times so that was lovely to witness. How blessed he is to have someone like you who loves music too Sharleen! I envy the duets you guys must have together haha :)

[@colleen.g]

Q4: I definitely agree that religious trauma around sex is a potential factor :( Another possibility is that Ms. B happens to be on the asexual spectrum. I would imagine that that can be very difficult to navigate and make sense of for both partners since most of us have never been taught anything about asexuality / graysexuality... In any case, the couple seems to be hurting terribly, and I wish them the best, together or separated, as is best for them.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Thank you so much for your comments on weight. They were really sensitive and on point, which I wasn't expecting since it doesn't look like either of you ever had weight problems. She can't help who she's attracted to, but he definitely deserves to be with someone who thinks he looks great exactly as he is and doesn't view his weight as a flaw.

[@dearshandy]

Thanks for saying this! Yes, we're not here to judge people for their physical preferences, but at the end of the day, there *will* be a woman (MANY women) who value his great characteristics over his weight. This just isn't something either of them should need to worry about.

[@dianeandbrad529]

I am roughly the same age as both of you. I notice a lot of Podcast topics get focused on how either a caller or a bachelor contestant is “soooo young”. It’s definitely becoming a repetitive theme. When someone shares something that feels so real and stressful to be told “oh you’re young, live you’re life, it will all be fine, you have plenty of time” can sometimes be hard to hear for some people. There are societal pressures but also there are plenty of people suffering from infertility in later age and once you do get up to “advanced maternal age” and get told the statistics about risk factors during that time, it can be quite a wake up call. I think there’s a counter culture (?) thing right now to tell women to not stress about their biological clock and it’s perfectly acceptable to have kids later in life but biology is still a very real thing and struggling with infertility or loss is extremely extremely difficult. These things do happen or a variety of anything else. I thought I had plenty of time for life and was on the right track when all the sudden at 34 years old, I got a terrible chronic pain condition that completely threw the trajectory of life completely upside down. I couldn’t walk, stand, or even have sneakers or a blanket on my foot without insane pain (CRPS). It may be a rare or extreme example but some extent of these things are extremely common (autoimmune conditions, chronic pain, infertility issues, etc) My point is: the “you’re young, you have time, everything will work out” may work for many people but it’s not as simple nor as guaranteed as I think it sometimes gets portrayed on this show. And even if it is that simple, I think there’s room for a little more validation of these huge timelines that people put on themselves that cause stress. These feelings are real and at least somewhat based in reality.

[@immaculatenzimande9929]

I immediately thought the same as I heard those words. A little bit of compassion n tenderness when dealing with ''younger viewers'' would go a long way. ''you're young'' responses feel dismissive n I get sensitive to them n I immediately shut down. Great comment!

[@ningyding]

The Whack-a-mole conversation is some MAJOR WISDOM and hilarious! The moles are laughing at you! Amen.

[@louisadesousa8588]

Nothing beats an 80s love ballad. Now I can’t get the song out of my head. Nice voice Andy.

[@Foreverbecca]

I just turned 25 this week and am pretty much the opposite of the first question. In a wonderful relationship, but completely confused and unsatisfied with work. I needed to hear the wack a mole metaphor! Also always good to be reminded that 25 is young, and hear that everyone feels like they’re old and running out of time after they’re 21. Thanks guys!

[@catherinewhiteford4059]

Getting ready for work and this was EXACTLY what I needed! More Dear Shandy!

[@dearshandy]

Thank you Catherine! Hope you have a great Thursday. 💛

[@suswil9086]

You guys help me out so much! I just started dating again, and I'm getting such clarity about men's behavior from your show. Thank you!

[@annykay5228]

I first want to say that I'm in no way diagnosing someone that I don't know, but sharing my experience that might gain insight into a possibility with Mr.A callers question. Sex has always been pretty plain for me all of the textures, cleanup afterwards and roaming mind no matter how hard do try to not really makes it difficult. I've been married for 9yrs and my husband sounds similar to the caller. Recently I figured out the missing piece of information, which is that I have gone through life with undiagnosed autism. Second, take everything media and society has described autism to be and throw it out the window because women with autism have completely different signs. It's not a bad or negative thing, if anything the complete opposite. Since learning of my diagnosis I've realized that my hesitance and struggle with sex was based on sensation overload and sex has become much more exciting now that I know why. I'm sharing all of this because I feel an inkling that perhaps Mr.As wife might be experiencing the same thing, but has no way of understanding it and has withdrawn as a form of protection. Perhaps looking into this possibility might provide answers, healing and growth.

[@dearshandy]

Thank you for sharing your story and perspective! I hope he reads this! ❤

[@amychristiner]

I had the same thought

[@duckypam]

Even if you’re mildly autistic, part of being a wife is wanting their husband to be satisfied and feel accepted and desired

[@sanehl1198]

This is so interesting. Thank you for bringing it up. Weirdly enough- this made be think of the romance novel I read a few years ago. Kiss quotient by Helen Hoang. The book is about a woman with autism who has issues with intimacy so she hires a male escort to experience intimacy in a safe space on her own terms. The author of the book is on the spectrum too, and despite the bonkers book premise was such an interesting book and pointed out how autism differs for women and was very enlightening to read tbh.

[@dianeandbrad529]

Thank you for sharing this. Now that I think about it, all the children in my teaching career I have known with diagnosed autism have been males - mostly presenting very similarly. I will keep this in mind.

[@abbyabroad]

I had no interest in marriage in my early 20’s but found “the one” at 23 and met and married within a year-or so I thought. I ended up divorced at 25. It can be hard to accept that caller one might be in for a decade of dating, but I was so grateful for the opportunity to date and learn *after* my marriage. Those who find a lasting relationship young have a precious thing, but as someone who has walked the opposite path, I found myself so grateful to NOT have stayed given who I became by 35. Caller One seems like a beautiful, passionate individual who is always growing and learning, and the ability to become her fullest self while meeting many people before choosing that worthy partner to witness and share her life with is a precious thing, too. Or, TL, DR: the whack a mole analogy. ‘Nuff said. 😉

[@eeshaballeballe]

Q

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

To caller A, I can attest that it is really satisfying to realize after the fact that someone that ended it with you was not actually someone you wanted to be with and that you dodged a bullet. Love the advice about trying to focus on whether or not you want them vs. if they want you. Also, the "youth is wasted on the young"....OMG yes. The further I get into my 40s the more I feel that so deeply and wistfully.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

I think you should take the higher frequency of "Anonymi" as a compliment. It means people are more afraid that other people are listening to your podcast!

[@annieliebert]

The only negative thing about watching the Dear Shandy podcast is feeling silly when I realize I'm sitting here with a stupid smile on my face - intermittently laughing hysterically and verbally agreeing out loud with each insight - and my daughter asks, "Who are you talking to?"

[@md-s7221]

When Sharleen said Avon hand cream I immediately got a memory smell in my nose. I was back in my childhood playing with my babysitters avon products. I know exactly what scent you are talking about. Similarly the second Andy started singing I recognized the song. The little he remembered was spot on! Also was in a relationship with a guy who grew up with parents who were only in it for the kids...it emotionally stunted him. He had parents who were emotionally and physically checked out and he didn't know how to argue properly or maintain physical contact in normal life because he never witnessed either. Their bad marriage ruined my relationship with a really great guy. It taught me that children need to see all aspects of a relationship, good and bad, and to lack that love and passion in a house is so much worse than a divorce.

[@CommonTerry2024]

In my own life, I've witnessed personally the ability of kink/BDSM to bring passion to the surface that was buried for a lifetime. People CAN change their ability to respond to a sexual partner. I realize this is a forbidden topic, but it's also growing by leaps and bounds. Please don't underestimate it. I just adore you two and LOVE Dear Shandy.

[@whitneyallan8920]

The caller asking about her friend's weight was kind of upsetting. I like the way you handled it, and agree. If you're not attracted to someone, move on. It's not fair to someone to resent them for their weight. Because she wasn't simply saying she is not attracted to him. It sounded like she was disappointed/frustrated with him for gaining weight. That's not a foundation you want to explore a relationship on.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Andy knows it's 2022, right? 😛 By the way, the song was really appropriate for "Mister". The rest of the sentence is "Take these broken wings and learn to fly again, and learn to live so free."

[@dearshandy]

Hahaha we recorded this before we left for Seattle and it technically was still 2021. And YES, the lyrics suit Mister Mister's situation perfectly!

[@kimberlymacek7492]

I just want to say thank you for all the great content. I really enjoy your podcast so much. By far my favorite to listen to for relationship advice. I enjoy the authenticity and both of your takes on questions and situations. So many laughs shared too. Not sure if this would be a person you’d be looking to have on the podcast or not, but I recently came across this guy Shaun Galanos, a relationship coach on social media, and I think you all would have the best banter . It might be fun to have him on as a guest for q&a segment. 😊

[@deniserichard5613]

Great advice guys!!! I agreed with all the wisdom that you were able to provide. Awesome podcast!!!

[@hconf]

Last caller... I genuinely believe with the right person you won't care so much about body fluctuation.. Or at least as much.

[@Szyrod]

Thoughtful as usual. Im late but I felt less empathy was given, or dissociation about how hurt she was given her father has passed! ❤❤❤ much love to her

[@drewfan123]

Dear Shandy! I always save your podcast for my long drives to work each Saturday and I always have such a blast! Never dull in your company 😅 much love 💕

[@colleen.g]

I keep commenting!!! Anyway, I needed to say: I'm glad to see, Sharleen, that you've got a partner who is musical! I feel like having a partner who sings confidently, but completely off tune could be painful for a professional singer 😂😂😂.

[@smilingtiles]

“all the moles laughing at you” 🤣🤣

[@barbarabryant6581]

Broken Wings...great song. Andy ....you were very close in nailing it!!

[@lesleywiley4324]

Andy should reconsider his career. He can be Sharleen’s back up singer 😂. All jokes aside he’s a pretty good singer.

[@DaliaHarami]

I agree. Most people can’t sing a song well enough where the other person even recognizes it. Andy, I thought you were going to break out into Kyrie 😊

[@melaniehodge8939]

Broken wings! One of my all time favorites Andy! Such great songs back then. Sadly only a few remember them.. I love you guys

[@shelbyfoster9597]

I think Caller 3 also wrote in to Nick Viall's podcast. It's interesting hearing another perspective.

[@jennychen8826]

Yes!! I thought the story seemed really familiar. Yay for those of us who listen to both hahah

[@morganc3994]

Do you possibly know which episode?

[@dearshandy]

@@morganc3994 Hi Morgan! I actually haven't listened but in our DMs today someone said it was episode 366! 😘

[@morganc3994]

@@dearshandy Sharleen! Thank you 😃

[@miss_daniele_83]

OMG I was really confused. I was thinking they had already done this one and somehow completely forgot they had done it, lol. Makes a LOT more sense that i heard it over on TVF.

[@susanwalsh3517]

You two sounded like a Jerry Seinfeld episode when you were talking about the whack-a-mole! Haha! So funny 😄

[@hconf]

For Mr. A. I'm sorry you're going through this. I have been in a similar situation to what sounds your upbringing was like. Show your kiddos what a great relationship looks like, or at the very least caring for yourself and your own needs. This is a sad model for them to see. Truly each of you deserves better.

[@lvaz1248]

Q1: as someone who moved to nyc right before the pandemic hit, I relate to this woman. But girl you are so young and have so much life ahead of you. I'm 29 now but I wished I wouldn't have spent so much of my early 20s dating, looking for a boyfriend. I had fun, yes, but I wish I had even more fun lol. I enjoy my own company but it took me a while to get there. If this woman still wants to look for a serious boyfriend, I'd honestly recommend matching with guys who are a bit older than the last guy, 28+, especially here in the city lol.

[@elaineharwood3639]

Andy, Yes!! Mister Mister is a quintessential 80’s band. Another good song is Kyrie Eleison meaning “Lord have mercy “ in Greek (history lesson). Used to play both as ‘songs of the week’ for my students and show them the band here in our city of Daytona Bch back when spring break bordered on the insane ! Good times!

[@user-jh5ll3ex4f]

The friend with the father who passed- she called on nick vialls podcast as well.

[@krokat218]

what did he say?

[@christinacassidy74]

I disagree about, once bad in bed. I myself have always had amazing sex with my ex-husband, we are divorced because of his addiction issues. I recently slept with a very good childhood friend and I was bad in bed. The reason was that I felt scared and it felt cheap. So I do think that with some woman, especially those who have experienced sexual assault, safety and feeling loved and cherished can allow her to open up and act completely different.

[@wendydarling143]

Nobody tells you that the older you get, the less friends will play a huge, important role in your life. Your 20’s are for friendship, dating, travel and self discovery. If you do find someone, you’ll have the rest of your life to be partnered up.

[@krystal_senem]

*regarding Mr X and his wife...* she is in the asexual spectrum. they need to find a way to be friends again even if they decide to get divorced. and to do that, I feel like she needs to relieve herself of the frustration (learn about asexuality and its subsections) and he needs to stop trying to get more (he's not getting anyways) and they need to be friends for their children. whether they get divorced, open up the marriage, or continue their current situation on some other terms... first he needs to get rid of the "im trying everything to be a good husband and i will do anything to satisfy her so why she doesn't meet my needs" approach. Not everyone is wired the same way. Just as you don't understand why she is like that, she probably does not understand why you are like this either.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Yes, I agree, well stated. He feels he is trying to do everything that fits what he believes makes a good husband, but she probably does not agree with that. She would seem to prefer a husband who accepts her as she is and doesn't put pressure on her to behave in a way that makes her uncomfortable. That is probably her definition of a "good husband".

[@GBulaich]

She definitely could be asexual since this has been an issue with past relationships as well. Though what came to mind was she has past sexual trauma and her memories are repressed. This couple has been though therapy so not sure but I definitely thought that.

[@jewel8753]

Yes! These were my thoughts too

[@dearshandy]

I agree to a point, but in his email (in the context of sex specifically) he did state "she does enjoy the work I put in." He suggested she wasn't afraid to receive in the bedroom while not contributing herself. It's possible this was an exaggeration, though it did not need to be mentioned, and it doesn't totally line up with the idea that her asexuality means she can't understand why he is the way he is. At any rate, I agree they must become friends again for the sake of their children. 🤗

[@lasagna312]

@@dearshandy I am asexual, and I actually do enjoy sex, not for any emotional or psychological reasons, only for the stimulation itself. My body works the same as anyone else's, my mind does not. To me, it's just a fun activity, or a means to an end. Asexuality is a big spectrum, and it can present itself in many different ways.

[@coffee_is_life_5051]

Lol 😂 I definitely recognized that song Andy!

[@foxjacket]

Q1. I bet as soon as the caller decides to relax and casually date she'll end up in a serious relationship. The "you'll find it when you're not looking" thing Q2. Find people who want the same things as you do. This guy is not it! Like Cheryl Strayed said, "I have a fetish for people who are crazy about me" - btw I think Shandy should have Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed on the podcast! They ran the Dear Sugars podcast for a while, which was an excellent advice podcast Q3. You're not overreacting Q4. I wish Shandy would have talked more about asexuality. Sounds like wife could be asexual? Would be amazing if you got Angela Chen on. She wrote a book about asexuality Q5. She's only looking at her friend as a romantic possibility because she hasn't met anyone else she likes. I would try to meet more people. Or, if she REALLY wants to get back together with him, have a serious convo about his physical appearance and the sex. If the thought of that convo stops you in your tracks you have your answer about whether you should get back together. Also I'd you're not attracted to someone, don't be in a relationship with them!

[@juliewilson3416]

I disagree on the once bad sex, always bad sex, thing. We receive so many messages- especially growing up with porn as ubiquitous as it is- about performance, and what “good” sex is, that I think many people are stuck in their heads and experience performance anxiety. My experience is that that can be the case in the beginning and the sex feels off or awkward, and then once you get more comfortable as a couple together, or if you do some personal growth work specifically around this issue, this can really shift.

[@nancykaufmann3993]

Agree. As we get older and have different partners, we can learn what the other ones like and what increases passion. One guy said he watched porn to learn what women liked and I must say, he was a very good student.

[@ningyding]

I don’t know if I’m losing my mind, but I think the college friend/wedding question was also asked and answered on Nick Viall’s Podcast recently. Are people sending their same questions to multiple podcasts!? May be worth an ask before answering. Is Mister A a play on “mystery”?

[@purple_giraffe24]

I love your take on the married guy! He could have been my ex🤪

[@colleen.g]

Enjoying this episode! However, the scientist in me must step in for a moment. The claims that "the same hormones are not released for the man" and that oxytocin causes women to be more attached after sex than men are just **not substantiated by the literature** (21:35). I totally understand why you would make these claims - unfortunately this has been spread by credible people, but the research does not back this up. Also, unfortunately this kind of claim is often wielded in misogynistic ways in pick-up artist circles, so I feel it is useful to know that it is not accurate. Oxytocin (in addition to other hormones like c̶o̶r̶t̶i̶s̶o̶l̶ vasopressin, testosterone) is released in people of all genders during sex. It's kind of a mammal-wide thing. Certainly, it will typically have different roles in women/AFAB people (e.g., in lactation, childbirth), but its role in social bonding and attachment is fairly universal. That is not to say that there are no average differences in, for example, release location or concentration that could affect how bonded you may feel after an intimate encounter, but the literature on this is limited, and the picture is likely much more complicated than women this, men that. I definitely understand that feeling like there is a clear, scientific rationale for a personal experience is validating. Unfortunately, though, these types of pop-science claims seem to often start with people who over-interpret some scientific experiments, reading their pre-existing beliefs into them. They then tend to get spread and get inflated in a sort of telephone game way with everyone citing each other circularly, and nobody citing actual scientific research. To the extent that women and men on average tend to feel differently about casual sex, this is most likely explained by a combination of biological and social factors. The important thing, as Sharleen also said, is really to figure out **where you stand as an individual, and what is best for you**.

[@dearshandy]

This was fascinating! Thanks for sharing and informing us all!

[@colleen.g]

@@dearshandy I'm so glad! It's my pleasure.

[@Renkk17]

The Mr. Marriage Situation, 1) We don't really know what her situation is when it comes to sex, maybe she had some very bad, traumatic experience in the past? 2) Maybe she does have some issues down stairs? 3) Maybe she just fell out of love and feels like she's just doing her religious duties ? 4) Maybe she's one of those people that just doesn't like or is repulsed by giving oral? Maybe she just lets him do oral on her because he seems to like doing it so much, but she doesn't ask him, and maybe doesn't really get anything out of it.....some people are good at it, some just aren't! 5) Why would anyone, male or female want to pressure their partner for oral if they know that the other person does not like doing it? I would never ask someone to go down on me, when they do on their own, it's usually great if they know what they're doing and like doing it! But just the thought of begging and pressuring someone to do something they don't like would make it very wrong! 6) Maybe deep down she actually likes women and doesn't want to come out because of family and religion ? There are too many things we don't know about her? You two need to sit down in private and have a long serious discussion about the past, the sex, the marriage, the family, the religion, the rest of your lives and where you see it going from here and be honest!

[@phoenixgirl70]

I’m pretty sure he said she doesn’t like to receive oral either. She’s been in therapy, she’s seen doctors and nothing has helped. I think they both gave it a good shot. Trust me, I remember going to friends houses when I was young and the absolute tension in the air when both parents were present. One set of parents stayed for the kids but didn’t talk to each other. The daughter (my friend) would write a note for the dad asking for money for groceries, if something needed fixing…this is beyond a sexual problem. It’s a bad marriage that tried and my parents divorced as well as some other friends at different ages. I think the earlier the easier for kids. We can grow up to have healthy happy marriages!

[@carlyclement538]

Hey Sharleen - You look BEAUTIFUL!!!! What lip colour is this?

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Uh-oh, Sharleen's wearing dark lipstick....😉

[@hconf]

I love the whole conversation about mail it in... That's definitely the idiom I would use first over phone it in. I've heard mail it in more in my life I think!

[@annabaroud]

I wish you hadn’t said that someone at their “peak weight” was “at their worst” (1:01:42). I love your podcast on the whole but hope for a bit more awareness about implying (/directly stating) things like this. And also, not everyone who is fat wishes they weren’t or feels badly about it. This was also implied throughout.

[@moxey7644]

People just can't win, can they? I didn't take "at their worst" to include "peak weight" at all. But also, as if humans feel or are at their best when they're overweight? Please. Take your woke policing elsewhere and don't ruin this podcast's rare honesty for the rest of us.

[@annabaroud]

@@moxey7644 Hey, no hate intended at all. I’m with you as a huge fan of this podcast. She said “Even when they’re at their worst, so they could be at their peak weight…” - so it’s not something I ‘took to mean’ something else, it was literally in the same sentence. I don’t mean to ruin anything; just adding to the conversation!

[@moxey7644]

@@annabaroud Appreciate your reply. I want to point out though that you're a fan yet your only comment picks apart semantics and focuses on what offends you in an otherwise thoughtful and sensitive answer. Oh well. I guess I could never host a podcast in today's day and age.

[@nancymachold8006]

A question for Andy: on the couch at your first meeting you asked Sharlene to wipe off her bright red lipstick. S he looks fantastic in this episode with deep red lipstick. What has changed in 7or so years?

[@nancykaufmann3993]

Exactly, I was just wondering the same! She looks absolutely gorgeous in that color!

[@evelynmatt2000]

Anonymous is used to much someone should say “ person who wishes not to be named”, just to change it up a bit !

[@chriskuhnauthor]

Great advice - I like the candor and thoughtfulness behind your words to folks who are lost or need that gentle nudge in the right direction. And may I add the references to 80s bands like Mr. Mister only add to the podcast's charm (btw - the band Mr. Mister hails from Phoenix where I hear they have an abundance of moles ripe for whacking...) Oh, and Andy, to answer your question - they're a 2-hit wonder. Remember KYRIE? Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel... cheers! :) Chris K kzbin.info/www/bejne/b3-nm6dqe995jbs

[@GuntherVonSprout]

👏 yes! The first thing I said was Kyrie Eleison; 2 hit wonder, took me straight back

[@fluffykaterina]

Mister A like Myster-A.... mystery! Witty! 👀

[@lclem417]

The college friend question was also sent to “ask Nick”. I heard him answer the question almost word for word.

[@ashitakripalani7788]

I was just thinking that!

[@tgrami795]

What episode? I’d love to compare the answers!

[@lclem417]

@@tgrami795 I’m not sure the episode number unfortunately

[@abbyabroad]

Re: Andy’s funny comment about a birthday blow job... there are MANY religious communities including Christian ones wherein oral is super sinful, and women I have known would never do it. FWIW I have also known religious families wherein the father stayed with the mom but did eventually cheat due to a similar situation, and I cannot emphasize enough how much better I believe it would’ve been in those situations for the man to leave at the point, eight years in, versus the 20+ of these couples I witnessed … However, if they are in a religious context, that could complicate things, as many traditions provide very little reason for divorce outside of adultery or abuse. This means that he’s in a no-win situation, as if he leaves for no reason, or adultery, he will be rejected by his faith community… However, if it is her faith community and not his, obviously, it’s far better to leave now than to wait to commit adultery and then be the “ ultimate bad guy.”

[@nancykaufmann3993]

I was married (and divorced) very young. My husband didn’t want blow jobs. Apparently he thought only sl utty girls did that but I was his WIFE (Madonna complex). I was so young and inexperienced I was definitely OK with that.

[@tatianazamor3522]

The first two questions make women look desperate for male validation and it’s angering cause we give up soo much of our power just to get the bare minimum

[@marthahales2430]

I think it's important to consider that Mister's wife is asexual and may have tried very hard to go against her own way of being in order to be who Mister needs her to be, so I wouldn't be super hard on her without knowing more. But bottom line, as you have said, their sexual needs (and probably other aspects of their relationship) are highly incompatible and they need to move on.

[@agoodreadsgirl]

There are situations in which someone who was great in bed can become bad in bed. Trust me.

[@Fishnetfreud]

This is the first time I have almost screamed at the speaker when listening to an episode. I can't believe your views on the appearance of a partner and how it is your responsibility as a romantic partner to live up to your SO's beauty standards. And I couldn't disagree more when it comes to saying that a partner's appearance is a NEED, not a WANT. Needing someone to look a certain way is the very definition of a WANT. If you're telling me that you require someone to look a certain way for your emotional needs to be fulfilled, that makes me cringe, more than I can possibly say. That is superficiality magnified. Before anyone comes at me, YES, of course, it's important to be attracted to your partner. But there is a massive difference between having a PREFERENCE (/a want) when it comes to a partner's looks, and actually NEEDING your partner to be thin/tall/buff/whatever, in order for you to be fulfilled in your relationship.

[@StrongLatinas]

I'd like to bring my own hammer to whack a mole - then it's a fair fight. The hammer provided at carnival's is always to short.

[@dianalineback3281]

I have a bone to pick with you Sharleen. I have slept with 1,243 Americans with a 96% good success rate and 1,152 Canadians with a 69% good success rate. Clearly, I have dedicated a lot of (sexy) time to figuring out this problem. I also like math. AMERICANS RULE!!!

[@lucydollycaires3784]

Anonymous, if you just want it to be just sex (like you can emotionally separate yourself from him), have him buy the ticket to fly you down there and him pay for everything. Def tell him that if he does text you to come down to visit him. If he really wants it, make him pay for it 😉

[@sarahteichman6857]

I would never give advice to a couple with young children to separate, especially if I did not know them personally. Once you have a child you are no longer the center of your own universe. This sounds mean to people without kids, but it is factual and mind blowing to experience and something that cannot be understood until it happens to you. If the marriage is meant to end and home broken this person needs to come to that realization autonomously. Love you guys but you should have passed on that question. It is not a marriage ending but a family unit here. And his side is never the whole truth and nothing but the truth ... and no one is obligated to do anything physically sexually for another. Love you guys again, just disappointed on the response on this one :(

[@phoenixgirl70]

You know a lot of people want to have kids and can’t or just don’t want to be parents, or for other reasons but that doesn’t mean those people haven’t watched their friends parents (as well as been told how that friend feels about the marriage sometimes and different times in their life. We pay attention to our own friends marriages/confidences esp after marriage and before and after kids. Kids deserve peace, safety, affection, feel loved unconditionally, the essentials (home, food etc), to have their own private space (own room if possible) and I have barely touched the bare minimum. It’s the hardest and in most cases rewarding job. Period. I remember as a kid being at a friends house and from us playing and having fun to feeling on edge as soon as a certain parent was home. And my friends (yes plural) trying so hard to make it seem normal and you do your best to pretend you don’t notice. Or the parents where the mom sleep separately and who put on a show for us (so we didn’t tell other parents)? That they were always happy and she slept on the couch for her back! One friends parents didn’t talk at all. My friends mom was made by her mother to write notes asking him for grocery money etc. We remember our friends crying because of the shame, fear, and sadness that their dad was so drunk he fell out of bed, vomited, and their mom on the phone told her to clean it up and put back in bed (she was 12, only child), then as you get older,your friends tell you more of their experiences with their parents. Sometimes your friends parents start to tell you about their marriage. All of these people I met in grade school and high school and after they graduated HS or college, all of their parents divorced. So many of the parents heard about the evil “broken home” and although we’re from indifferent to hating their spouse) said the same thing. The kids (now adults) and all of the parents biggest regret was they didn’t do it sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 and they knew they did more damage to the kids and to themselves. A divorce is not a divorce for your child. You can share custody 50/50 and you can be happy in a relationship and demonstrate to your kids what a healthy marriage/family is because you’re living it. Or your single and show you can be happy by yourself. I’m 51 and have 20 niece/nephew and the older ones in their 20’s we talk about everything. A divorce can be the most important gift you can give a child. It’s not the 1950’s and a lot of fathers actually help mothers raise the kids now! Co-parenting and parents who work on staying friendly and don’t speak poorly of his partner. Kids even have therapy now to help! Didn’t have that in the 70’s when my parents divorced. But I was able to have a happy 22 year marriage!❤️I’m sure there are statistics etc about this. I don’t have kids but my sister does. Don’t write off people who don’t have kids. We still have brains, older ones experience. Not seeing your parents hug? It’s just going to escalate. Divorce doesn’t have that stigma anymore, right?

[@duckypam]

Sharleen doesn’t know broken wings? #sad

[@dianeandbrad529]

Please tell me Andy played the original version right after the show!!🤞🏻

[@duckypam]

@@dianeandbrad529 I’m genx and that was sure a song we played on loop in high school in the 80s

[@duckypam]

I am in my 50s and I hear the “no sex” sob story almost exactly the same as Mr A from divorced guys many many times. Most of the problems arise after the children though. Afterward they lose all sex drive. I think a discussion about this on a future episode would be a good one. As a long time single woman, I’m personally offended by married women who don’t put out and show affection to their good husbands?. What the hell is wrong with you?

[@duckypam]

​@@SuperAstor I would say the same thing for husbands who don't care for or help or provide for their wives. Marriage is supposed to be a mutual help to each other, complementing the spouse and meeting each other's needs, not some kind of one-sided "I only do what I want to do" kind of death march to hell.

[@Renkk17]

Most couples go thru their ups and downs in Marriage, but no one has the right to demand something that the other is uncomfortable with...we only have one side of the story, no one got her side? She might be very religious, have problems with sex, be A sexual, have Autism, maybe something happened in the past that we don't know about? No one man or woman should demand sex or oral sex if someone doesn't like it, that starts to feel very aggressive and abusive!

[@jleano609]

@@Renkk17 You are right, no one has the right to demand something that the other is uncomfortable with. BUT last time I looked Marriage IS a contract. "With my body I thee worship" is one of the vows you say. If she is religious she should know what that actually means, and it's not duty, it should be happy and enthusiastic - SAME FOR BOTH THE MAN AND THE WOMAN. If it could never of been that then she entered the contract on fraudulent terms. She's broken the terms contract throughout the marriage, she might claim "Force Majeure" because of her underlying issues but so what? She's held HIM to the standard of "Forsaking all others". Contract is null and void at this point, in fact it was fraud from the start - he needs to tear it up and she needs to admit to herself that she shouldn't be defrauding other business partners in the future.

[@Renkk17]

@@jleano609 I'm not Religious that way with all the Crazy out dated rules, my point was they can do what ever they want, he can stay or he can get a divorce, plus she did try to accommodate him, I just pointed out that we don't know her side of the story and there are always two sides! We don't know if she had any medical issues or physiological issues.....so for anyone saying she should just do what ever he wants, when ever he wants, makes it sound like someone forcing or putting a gun to someones head, would you want to know that someone is doing something Against their Will? Isn't it better if someone is actually doing something because they want to and like to?

[@jleano609]

@@Renkk17 there’s nothing in his story to say he’s forcing her to do anything. And if he was, she’s got every right to leave, divorce whatever. That hasn’t happened so….. Simple answer is his needs have never been met in their relationship. And his needs are totally reasonable. He should never of married her, indeed she should never of said yes to marriage either given her issues. The physical or psychological issues were already there and were a massive red flag which they both ignored but which were ultimately HER responsibility.