This Book Is Responsible For The 'Horrific Abuse of Hundreds of Women'

[@RachelOates]

PART 2 HERE: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rGqzoa2ZndNln6s :)

[@Ciana2024]

Thank youuuu❤❤❤

[@mollymontgomery4565]

This book reminds me of that one tumblr post that's like "some people define respect as treating someone reverently and others describe it as treating someone like a person. And a lot of times people say 'if you don't respect me i won't respect you,' and sometimes what they mean is 'if you don't treat me reverently then i won't treat you like a person' and they act like that's equal but it's not"

[@Raztiana]

Perfect description.

[@warlordofbritannia]

Some people say "respect is earned, not given" but I don't think that's quite correct. Respect is something that you give to another person of your own volition, not some sort of abstract measurement or reward. When someone demands to be respected there's something going horribly wrong.

[@JaneDoe_123]

@@warlordofbritannia huh. Maybe it's a language thing, but I've always heard "respect is earned, not owed". Plenty of people ignore this last part tho, especially parents when it comes to their children.

[@Vannabee13]

I personally see a difference between respecting someone and treating people with respect. Respect is earned. But we treat people with respect not because they are automatically being granted our respect, but because it's how we earn theirs.

[@stephysteph8558]

Yes, I think there is a value in showing "respect" even when the other person has messed up badly. But it's almost more for yourself than for them? It's the difference between saying to a cheating spouse, "Look, what you did hurt me deeply, and I'm seriously considering ending the relationship because I don't know if the trust we had can be rebuilt." Rather than "I can't believe what a selfish disgusting animal you are." Both are calling out bad behavior but one is dehumanizing in a way the other isn't. (Of course, this kind of direct authentic communication does also mean being willing to walk if the other person doesn't shape up, which some Christian spouses feel like they can't do. :P)

[@sarahmoses8746]

I'm a divorce attorney and had to read this book because the husband in a case used it to justify his abuse of my client. It was vile.

[@lovelydeath04]

Omfg...

[@polimana]

that sounds vile af

[@Elspm]

Thinking of you having to do that is giving me the boke.

[@pokaay3163]

who won the case?

[@Ashas.Garden]

@@pokaay3163 both, since they were divorcing.

[@georgem2334]

My father acted like a total bastard toward my mother until I was ten. He beat her, then blamed her for beating her. He acted like a dictator in my family, and wanted everything his own way or else. It didn't end until she divorced him. Women shouldn't put up with this abuse. It will never get better. Leave him. Just leave him, and don't feel guilty about it.

[@selrox879]

Similar situation. I thank her every single day for raising me by herself, thank God he left and moved fuc* away from us. Men like this are real life monsters

[@selrox879]

@darkwingduck3477 i m so sorry. Healing and all love to you and your mama ❤️💗

[@melodyclark1944]

That's great that she got out of there. There are many women that do leave and that's when they're killed. They can't just leave.

[@ascendednightingale2456]

I left my abusive husband. He never actually hit me, but he threw things and punched walls and was verbally abusive towards me. He didn’t let me work and made me feel guilty when my parents came to see me. When we divorced, he turned everyone against me and lied about everything. I’m now married to a man who treats me like an actual human being and isn’t insecure. I can actually be independent now, and I’m happy. I don’t understand why men are so afraid of women that they feel the need to control them and abuse them. I suppose they think they’re superior 😂

[@JeantheSecond]

Amen.

[@marywilliams3886]

My parents were having problems, so my dad took my mom to the Christian book store and told her to pick out a marriage book. She chose "Boundaries in Marriage." He made her put it back and take this one. I wonder what the problem was.

[@SoCalJellybean]

Yikes. 😬

[@marywilliams3886]

@@SoCalJellybean they're divorced now, so good for her. 😁

[@icravedeath.1200]

@@marywilliams3886 I hope she got a restraining order.

[@Goose-pic]

The lack of self awareness on his part is almost impressive-

[@icravedeath.1200]

@@Goose-pic I know, right?

[@DarkFleurofIra]

Emerson has some stupid audacity to say that women are insecure when he's the one losing his mind over his wife _clearing_ _her_ _throat_ . His ego is like a house of cards, it looks big but it collapses when you just breathe on it

[@polimana]

or when u cough on it

[@DarkFleurofIra]

@@polimana or I guess in this case, all we have to do is clear our throats for it to collapse

[@amberbante8605]

I have an exboyfriend who yelled at me for even breathing loudly due to my asthma though he coughed from smoking weed and cigarettes.

[@DarkFleurofIra]

​@@amberbante8605 oh my goodness, I'm really sorry :

[@kingexplosionmurderfuckoff9376]

True but people cleaeing their throat and coughing constantly drives me insane.

[@ML-di8lt]

I was married to a narcissist and during marriage counseling there was some comments that he "didn't feel respected." Thankfully, the marriage counselor stopped that in it tracks and asked, "what have you done to deserve respect? All I see is you bullying your wife."

[@pokaay3163]

glad you got out of that! hope you’re doing better

[@mysticmoth1111]

I'm sure he did not like that. Good on the therapist.

[@adamas5925]

My mom is is married to a narc and my siblings and I have to deal with it. Good on your for leaving that piece of shit.

[@erismana2105]

@Aspie Pie what a narc thing to say

[@erismana2105]

@@glitteryvieweraltray4369 you and the people who likes your comment are clueless

[@bendavid84]

When Emerson says 'Respect' he means 'Obey'.

[@hadbetterdays8118]

Ironically what the fool doesn't know that part of respect is boundaries

[@johnrockwell5834]

He is right. But he is wrong about what he does with that. If children obey their parents or subjects obey their King. That doesn't excuse tyranny.

[@fran791]

@@johnrockwell5834 so you think a woman respecting her husband is a woman obeying? You do realize that marriage is supposed to be two equals and not a weird owner and slave situation where one should obey the other right? No human is above another human At the root of romantic love there is friendship and you can't have that if one considers himself above the other

[@johnrockwell5834]

@@fran791 Equality isn't fundamentally Good. Our relationship with God is Unequal and that isn't inherently evil. And since God through Paul said that marriage reflects the relationship between Jesus and the Church. It likewise is similar. Its similar to the vassal swearing fealty to his earthly Lord in a sense.

[@fran791]

@@johnrockwell5834 the verse right before that is: "submit to each other" And the verses after say to the man to love his wife like Jesus loved the church and sacrificed himself for it. It basically tells husbands to sacrifice completely for their wives and love them like they love themselves. Your interpretation does not represent the will of God, because you took that verse out of context. The context is both should submit to one another completely. The God-humans relationship has a power imbalance because it is a father son relationship. Marriage is not a father son relationship. What you are saying would be idolatry towards the husband and therefore a sin. Also what you said contradicts one of the fundamentals of the Bible: Luke 6:31 "Treat others just as you want to be treated". That alone demonstrates the will of God for humans to be equal and treat each others with equality

[@sarahs.6838]

I remember seeing a tweet or insta post that basically said that if submission was so natural for women, we wouldn't need sermons reminding of us of it each week.

[@PutinsMommyNeverHuggedHim]

amen! lol

[@barb7124]

Ppl are imperfect so they need to always watch how they behave and have constant reminders.

[@njhoepner]

@@barb7124 In this case, the reminders come from cowardly men who can't handle the idea of a woman who isn't their doormat.

[@fran791]

Also the Bible advocates for both in the couple to submit to each other. But it is an act of love, knowing the other person desires to serve you as well, not a one sided act of worship. They take verses on submitting to your lover and make it about a one sided asymmetrical thing where the woman is supposed to give away all her power and worship the husband. Kind of the opposite of what God desires since no human is supposed to be above another

[@koichan7457]

😂😂 100%

[@Caldella]

These books' opinions on women always boil down to, "No thoughts: only doormat."

[@janerecluse4344]

Because the men that want that are *nothing*. Ever notice, when you study history, that absolute male rulers (who actually accomplished anything) in societies where women weren't supposed to say boo to a goose and nobody was supposed to breathe wrong in the presence of the king, whenever they really fell in love, it was for a smart, strong woman who could challenge their ideas and give them good advice? It's because they can't help it! Any man who is actually smart or strong in himself, is attracted to the same in women.

[@firebyrd437]

Yep hit the nail on the head

[@sdh4344]

Respect isn't a synonym for unquestioning compliance. People that think that it is and are 'respected' but unloved and unliked by their families must lead very lonely internal lives. Nobody wins when there isn't mutual kindness and empathy in a relationship.

[@donnathedead7554]

Yeah they understand respect about as well as they understand love.

[@LifeInPink999]

To be fair it should be called “love and fear” and maybe excluding the world love and using self delusion. Abusive partners, parents, superiors at work even friends don’t receive the attitude they want and expect because they are respected but because they are feared. Sadly some woman trapped in an abusive relationship make extreme mental gymnastics to try to rationalize and excuse such behavior. My cousin was married to an abuser, twice, she divorced him, he was “me bad, never again” then she married him again and then divorced again just for the sake of her kid and it took time for her to cut him completely from her life. I say abused women but same thing with men yet women usually go for psychological abuse and manipulation which sadly is more difficult to prove in court.

[@hilarycraig5360]

My mother just got finally divorced from my dad. He was this exact type of man, when he would be abusing my brother by calling him a baby girl with diapers because he cried after getting hurt, my mom would tell him to stop and he would get enraged at how "disrespectful" she was to him. He often told my siblings and I that she might not even go to heaven because she never respected him as God commanded her to. I felt so sorry for my mom because it was clear to me that he never loved her. Or any of us for that matter. She was afraid to leave him because she genuinely thought she woild go to hell if she divorced him. Finally after slowly realizing that God would not want her in an abusive loveless marriage she left him and it's been amazing ever since.

[@c.p.8040]

I'm so sorry your mother and her children went through this horrible way of life. My mother, four and a half siblings, and I went through a very similar way of life due to my father. He put all of us through some type of abuse; in fact, every type of abuse you can think of happened in our home, including thought control which you don't hear about often. At times he used the King James Bible and religion to justify his behavior. He even accused my mom of trying to cheat any time she dressed nice or talked about losing weight when he was the one who cheated on her multiple times and rubbed her face in it. I was his favored for molestation and failed attempts at coercing me into full-on sex ( let's face it, it would have been rape); which started around age 5 and lasted until 15.5. After my mom found out she left with all 5 of her kids (my half-sister had gone back to her mother several years before and had only lived with us less than a year but was subjected in this time nonetheless), the clothes on our backs, a few photo albums, and what money she could get her hands on. He was a monster and I truly believe he is still. They don't change, they just become better at putting up a facade and find a better mask to wear.

[@hilarycraig5360]

@@c.p.8040 oh wow I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm so happy your mom took herself and the kids out of that situation. Good for her. Isn't it crazy these disgusting men use religion and God to justify themselves and think they are better than anyone ? You're right, they never change. My ex father is a pastor now. I just hope he never gets another woman to fall for his lies

[@ardenalexa94]

Who ever thought that telling someone not to be mean to their kid is being “disrespectful” I can’t see too much past the irony of him saying she was the one being disrespectful.

[@hilarycraig5360]

@@ardenalexa94 Exactly.

[@miaomiaochan]

I'm glad to know that your mother was ultimately able to get escape her abusive relationship and live a more fulfilling life and that you recognized that she shouldn't have been forced to stay in an abusive marriage. The reason I said that last bit was because I've seen interviews with grown children of women killed by their husbands in which the children all but blamed their _mothers_ for their own murders, citing the women's desire for divorce as the trigger for their husbands' homicidal rage. It blows my mind that some people would think this way about their own mothers, especially given the fact that many of these women were being abused by their husbands for years before they decided they'd had enough.

[@phyphor]

He didn't feel disrespected. He felt shame, that is anger directed inward, because he recognised he had disrespected her, and he needed to lie to try to pretend that it wasn't really his fault. It's unfortunate that we don't help people understand their emotions better, and, as part of this, how to acknowledge where we have done harm as a first step to apologising and rectifying that harm, instead of having to deny & deflect in order to avoid feeling bad.

[@RachelOates]

This is an excellent point! I also sometimes have trouble identifying and naming my emotions, so I use a feelings wheel that I keep saved on my phone to help me understand and express myself :)

[@phyphor]

Unfortunately I only got the opportunity to learn this stuff by going through therapy as an adult, and after I'd already started being abusive. Luckily, even a decade on from that wake-up call, I'm still young enough that I can continue to improve, which is why I am subscribed. Thanks for putting out the good stuff.

[@Dinoslay]

”Rules for thee but not for me” kinda sums it up. People can easily become hypocrites to avoid self-accountability. Doesn’t exactly scream fairness.

[@jujutsucryin3256]

I heard a saying that has stuck with me. Guilt is “I’ve done something shitty” and shame is “I am shitty”

[@nicktan4530]

@@phyphor whose he ? In case you don't know women chose the abusive husband

[@mst3kharris]

The bit you read at 19:42 leapt out at me. “The husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” I expected that to end, “the wife must respect her husband _as she respects herself.”_ But it doesn’t. Nobody in this marriage respects the wife. What an inadvertently revealing bit of writing.

[@sarahbreisch4750]

And what happens when the husband doesn't love himself at all. What if he is depressed, or dealing with addiction. not much self-love happening.

[@mst3kharris]

@@sarahbreisch4750 Ideally he’d be able to talk to his wife about his struggles, and they’d figure out what to do together. Or he’d be able to talk to his friends about it, or even his pastor. But men have a much more difficult time admitting they’re struggling with mental health issues, and a lot of them never get any kind of help. It’s really sad, and something I hope changes.

[@sarahbreisch4750]

@@mst3kharris I like your compassionate answer. That's what is missing from awful books like this--compassion. In my evangelical upbringing, people who were addicted or suicidal were either sinners or "lost". And while I would applaud any partner who did their utmost to support their struggling spouse, this book also ignores the collateral damage done to a long-suffering partner and their children when their spouse is deep in self-destruct mode. Also, love your username. Servo and Crow forever.

[@mst3kharris]

@@sarahbreisch4750 I know for me it's easy to concentrate on how infuriatingly unfair the "man headship" model of marriage is to women, but I try to remember it's also unfair to men. Men should get to be uncertain and indecisive, you know? I find the general lack of compassion for men with mental health issues really upsetting. I wish Christians were more supportive of therapy and medication instead of "Maybe it's your fault?" MST3K remains my favorite TV show of all time! Because aren't we all trapped on a satellite with bad movies?

[@katelandcates04]

@@mst3kharris yes ideally he would be able to talk to his wife about that type of stuff but in relationship like these most of the time they don’t respect their wife enough to think she would be of any type of help or be able to even understand what he’s dealing with. Although she is the person who would understand better than anyone else, but most men believe their wives are happy when they are serving them and couldn’t fathom them having problems mentally as well.

[@peraspera934]

My husband and I were given this book by a pastor at our wedding. This pastor came through the receiving line after the ceremony, and all he said to us was, "You WILL have hard times." He was serious... no humor or lightheartedness in his voice. Well, maybe we would have had a harder marriage if we had read past the first chapter of this book without laughing at it and setting it aside. Our egalitarian approach to marriage has been very healthy and balanced for us. I'm so glad we didn't take this garbage advice.

[@jellyhorizon]

I am so glad to hear this!!

[@SonicdaShapeshifter]

He was trying to make sure you guys had hard times by giving you advice like this book smh Glad you all are ok!

[@pokaay3163]

thank god for that. did that pastor think he was helping by giving you guys that thing? lmfao

[@johnrockwell5834]

There are also marriages which aren't egalitarian that doesn't have the problems described in this video.

[@jellyhorizon]

@@johnrockwell5834 For the sake of your argument sure, but why would you want a marriage that's not egalitarian in the first place?

[@animeator]

To me, what was important was not forgiving my abuser, it was forgiving myself for having been through it.

[@masonthejar8890]

the way you said this was beautiful ❤️

[@animeator]

@@masonthejar8890 thank you 💚. To me, that is what is forgiveness in these scenarios. Because people can say "it wasn't your fault" all day, but if you don't feel it, well...

[@onemore4567]

respect is meant to be mutual, these kinds of men have no respect for their wives but expect respect from them

[@warlordofbritannia]

In which case, that is not respect: that's servitude.

[@onemore4567]

@@warlordofbritannia exactly

[@bmoe4609]

Yep it in bible ugh. Men need respect not love from wives. Wives need only love. So like its crazy cuz to them tho the wife dont need respect. Their love to her is housing her, havin sx, givin kids. But they can down talk or whatever. My bro got into israrlite mess.

[@onemore4567]

@@bmoe4609 yeah it makes me so mad. love and respect go hand in hand, idk why they don't get that. you cant love someone you don't respect, that's how one would treat a dog or a pet, with love but not necessarily respect; not another human being

[@cmm5542]

@@bmoe4609 No, that is NOT the Bible. The Bible has many other passages that clearly require BOTH husbands and wives to respect each other, and both to love each other. There is ONE passage that only says love to husbands and only respect to wives. But no one reads this in the context of mutual love and respect already being commanded as a whole, and this is just an extra reminder. As videos like this show, women are MUCH more likely to have no respect for men than the other way around; I'm not talking about abusers here but normal people. Women supposedly in love with men still frequently say horrible things about them and about men in general, expect them to meet all their requirements without meeting them halfway, and never consider their boyfriend/husband in plans for THEIR life. And so the Bible has an extra reminder to women that respect is part of a marriage relationship. And men are given an extra reminder to love their wives because they are far more likely to forget to SHOW love because 'she already knows' than women are. And so often men don't recognize how important it is to a woman to have those 'silly little romantic gestures' when they are already mutually respectful 'good mates'; that's not enough for a fulfilling relationship either. But again it is already clearly stated in the Bible that BOTH men and women are expected to love and respect the other, full stop. But of course videos like this one don't really WANT mutual respect and love. The wife isn't supposed to EVER respect her husband, or put him first even if he does for her, because 'that's patriarchy'! Rachel just wants men to respect women; she doesn't want women to respect men back. And as far as I'm concerned that's equally bad as men demanding respect from women and not respecting them back. I will continue to believe in healthy mutual love and respect like the Bible teaches.

[@amberinthemist7912]

I was raised by people who love this book and focus on the family. Not one of the people I was raised around was happy. A bunch of super bitchy women who were in constant competition with each other for who had nicer things, sat around beating their kids, talking shit about their husbands and how much they hated having sex with them, almost all of them addicted to Adderall and xanax despite looking down on anyone who drank alcohol. But somehow they were in the right and better than everyone else because they enabled their tyrant husbands who all had napoleon complexes.

[@krrr.4902]

We must have been neighbors lol!!! I'm the one single divorced person in the whole neighborhood who everyone believes does witchcraft so I'm to be avoided at all costs ~except when it's time to sell some pyramid scheme garbage. Nice to see you escaped and turned out well :)

[@johndoe4110]

Yep. Grew up in a fundamentalist Christian community. There were lots of books like this. I remember this one vividly. My brother and I are now freshly young adults, my mom finally filed for divorce from our abusive dad, and I'm basically disowned and unhoused. I cannot respect anyone religious anymore.

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

Far out. That’s grim.

[@shamedgeeky]

In addition to making respect a thing that’s only for the husband, he’s also defining respect as “the wife obeys the husband and never challenges him”

[@KireiC]

"The husband 'loves' his wife (says kind things to her, provides for her material needs, doesn't cheat on her) but mostly only if she unquestioningly 'respects' him." (And then gives multiple anecdotes and not-so-subtle indications that if husband doesn't act loving it's because wife didn't respect him first; then if he *does* fail to act "loving" putting the responsibility on the wife to patiently, kindly find something to blame in herself and then set him right again)

[@Torreighh]

fr!! like.. just look up the definition??? you can’t just re-write the definition of a word lol

[@XxMusicxKelseyxX]

which is funny because I feel like the whole section on if your husband cheats was "change your behaviour to manipulate your husband into being a better man - for God" even though he literally starts off by saving women suck because they go into marriages and constantly try to change their partner. If you're going to be a sexist ass, can't you at least commit to the bit?

[@shamedgeeky]

@@XxMusicxKelseyxX or at least don’t talk shit on women for doing what you literally told them to do, goddamn

[@cmm5542]

He doubtless expected that the people reading his book had already read the Bible and so would know that respect ISN'T a thing 'only' for the husband OR that respect and Christian obedience mean permitting abuse. It means putting other people first and listening to them; if what they want is WRONG you not only don't have to go along but are specifically instructed not to. So maybe all you people complaining should read the actual Christian context before deciding what we are like based off of one stupid individual's interpretation? It's very judgemental and narrow-minded to decide 'All Christians favour abusive relationships' because one person wrote something that MIGHT mean that, though of course context is everything and if you read something Christian in a non-Christian context you are not going to have a clue what it ACTUALLY means in it's original Christian context.

[@christianakist8145]

I got married really young (17) and naturally my marriage had cracks really early on. After we had a baby 4 years later I started reading this book, because I was being cheated on, verbally and mentally abused on a daily basis, and I just wanted to know how to make all of it stop without losing my husband. The abuse became physical after applying the "respect no matter what" philosophy from that book. I truly believe if I hadn't read that book I would have left my marriage a year earlier, and not have the mental scars I do now.

[@rowanquynn9964]

I'm so sorry you went through this. Try to remember that someone else giving abusive and destructive advice, that you took in a moment of desperation, does not put any blame on you.

[@fran791]

Yup, you can't "respect" or "love" someone out of being a piece of shit. Every instance when someone is acting abusive or unloving, it's because that is who they are. This book is the bible of victim shaming and irresponsible unloving men who can't own up to their actions

[@mrahim1342]

I love when Kyra comes over like “Mom, I noticed a change in your voice and demeanor, are you okay.” She is such a sweet angel and an awesome daughter and doggo. 🐶 💜

[@shroom2001]

Wholesome pupper 💚

[@mrahim1342]

🐕‍🦺🖤

[@wizardmanVarela]

As a man who grew up in a christian church i can confirm that we hear and learn a lot of this bullshit. I am very very lucky that i always been more close to independent non submissive and non religious women so they quickly made me realise and unlearn this behavior. Sadly every man and woman in my family thinks just like in this book.

[@ascendednightingale2456]

It makes me happy to hear that. I see a lot of men online expressing absolute hatred and disgust towards women, and it’s made me very wary and jaded towards men in general, but people like you remind me that all men aren’t like this. It’s hard though, when I see the opposite everywhere.

[@wizardmanVarela]

​@@ascendednightingale2456 That's rough... this has to do with our male role models being really bad for a long time but man we should try not to be assholes sometimes.

[@sofiaremesal7436]

Q

[@selrox879]

@@wizardmanVarela You're a good one. All love❤️🤗

[@oldmanwhoyellsatclouds1]

What brand of soy milk do you put on your Cheerios every morning?

[@Sunmoonandstars123]

Wow. Writing a whole book to justify your narcissism is wild. But also totally makes sense. It’s a manual by and for abusive husbands.

[@fran791]

Exactly my thoughts. It describes one sided relationships with an unbalanced power dynamic as successful

[@evelyncolon5497]

Omg this man felt disrespected because he forgot his wife’s birthday and she called him out on it 😭 I understand that forgetting isn’t intentional but as someone with ADHD when I need to remember important stuff I WRITE IT DOWN.

[@donnathedead7554]

I bet if she "just forgot" his birthday he would have a fit, and conveniently forget forgetting her last birthday.

[@SpaceandGoats]

The only issue and I feel it gets brushed aside, is the testing and hiding. Definitely more on him, but cmon thats also toxic behavior

[@evelyncolon5497]

@@SpaceandGoats for sure! I think the way she called him out was passive aggressive as well, but for him to say that he felt “disrespected” is such an odd word to describe this. I would think “guilty” for forgetting, “hurt” by the tests and passive aggressive tone, but disrespected? This woman probably felt like she couldn’t say anything directly because her husband is a dick.

[@resourcedragon]

@@evelyncolon5497 "This woman probably felt like she couldn’t say anything directly because her husband is a dick." Nails it! Back 60 or more years ago, people used to talk about "women's wiles". What they were carefully ignoring was that women weren't able to tackle problems (anything from the man dumping wet towels on the bed [yuck!!] to the man gambling most of his paycheque away) directly, as equals. The only way they could tackle problems was indirectly, which can seem passive aggressive, or sneaky or whatever.

[@Tijggie82]

or just say flippin sorry, I mean people make mistakes, people are flawed, it's ok as long as recognition is given to those flaws and the will to improve.

[@forevermore8166]

I recognize this book and I think you can guess why. It has been given to women by mothers' that want to excuse their son's behavior. Thank you for bringing awareness to this. KZbin is so awful for demonetizing this.

[@legslikewhoa]

That’s sick.

[@Vannabee13]

If a man told his wife "I respect you, but I don't love you" she'd be upset. Of a man told his wife "I love you, but I don't respect you" she'd STILL be upset! There's the false premise of this book right there!

[@resourcedragon]

The husband getting uptight that he didn't get sex immediately when he came back early from the business trip sounds like borderline marital rape to me. And the communication issue sounds as if it predated that particular business trip. They've got (from the sound of it), a minimum of two kids, if not more, and that already poses a stack of logistical challenges. The husband seems to have come back during the day, so that he should have expected that his children (they're his kids as well as the wife's) would be needing care and shuttled around between classes, practices and appointments. So I've got zero sympathy for that husband.

[@S0namus]

When I was little, I remember a conversation between my (fundamentalist Christian) parents and some (also fundie) family friends where they talked about a woman who was beaten by her husband, but she would always make him breakfast the next day and then eventually he "repented" and stopped because he was humbled by her unquestioning devotion to him. This story completely terrified me, and I'm still horrified that they encourage women to stay in abusive relationships. It's fucked up.

[@stemcareers8844]

That's a very common idea amongst Christians. That it's "godly" to turn the other cheek when someone is abusing you and just endure it.

[@fran791]

Women who do that end up killed because abuse escalates due to how abusive people are mentally wired. God would never want a person to self destruct for another person. You are not helping anyone by staying in that position, just self destroying. Go help people in need if you want to help someone instead of risking your life thinking you can help an abusive person who HATES your guts for absolutely no logical reason. Don't waste your time trying to "help" someone who chooses to be evil and to literally commit crimes against you. There are people who may need you out there and who won't kill you for trying to help them

[@tayh.6235]

That's scary. I grew up in a fundamentalist church that was definitely against divorce, but even they would have recommended separation in a situation like that. The idea would have been separate until it's truly safe to go back. Now, I know that is unlikely to ever be the case in an abusive relationship and therefore divorce is the only option that really makes sense. Most abusers will go back to the abuse sooner or later even after intervention. But to praise a woman for staying in an actively dangerous situation is just appalling.

[@16poetisa]

@@stemcareers8844 God I hate that quote. It wasn't about being a doormat, it was about turning the tables on bullies in a clever and assertive way.

[@guylaplante6269]

This reminds me so much of my father. He would constantly drone on about the respect he "deserved", but he was a shit human who never treated people in a way that warranted respect, nor did he offer anybody else the same respect that he demanded.

[@natasharules770]

There's something weird about adults who want things from their children that they aren't able to give or aren't able to receive from society - like they want to force their kids to fill in the thing they lack (haven't earned) from society

[@rowanquynn9964]

That was my mom to a T. She demanded obedience, and respect through silently bearing her verbal and mental abuse. But she never gave us any respect or love.

[@fran791]

@@rowanquynn9964 that's how narcissistic people act and think

[@sophiaisabelle01]

We appreciate Rachel for her consistency and dedication. We will always support her no matter what happens.

[@80yearsold23]

My parents had this book front and center on their nightstand while I was growing up. When I was 15 we had to flee my father’s abuse, and travelled across many states. I’m not surprised

[@KireiC]

The little habits that bothered this author about his wife had me thinking of kids being irritable and complaining "He's breathing on me!" or "She's looking at me!!"

[@marshallmarshmallow]

I just genuinely don’t see how someone can do such things to people they love. If someone is doing this type of thing to you, they don’t love you. Women need respect as well as love. Men need love as well as respect. All people need respect and love (until they do something to prevent that)

[@maelyssferreiro2539]

It's because they do not love them, they love the power and control they have on them

[@ihatechadsandidontraisethe6347]

Cause women wants a chad beast. Wants a chad, get treated like a chad. If a partner of mine cheats with a chad, i'll treat her just like how i would treat a loud annoying bastard chad.

[@masonthejar8890]

@I Hate Chads I’m guessing you…don’t like Chads? 🤔 just a thought, hope I didn’t assume too much

[@cmm5542]

These abusive relationships come out of men not following the instruction to love, not because their wives are following the instruction to respect. The problem is not with respecting people; the problem is with people taking advantage of that respect and giving none in return. Which, as you say, is unloving.

[@ihatechadsandidontraisethe6347]

@@masonthejar8890 Not at all, i don't like thoses bastards who also brag at how much success they have with girls and laught at other guys who do less well with girls. One thing i would never do is play dad to their bastard kids they leave around.

[@Sentientcrabpee]

Agreed that abusers don't deserve respect. Every single trauma therapist I've seen has agreed with that too. You also don't need to forgive. You have to process hard emotions before you can truly decide if you want to forgive. The trauma of abuse lingers like grief. Some people grieve for a while, a long time, or even forever. If you choose to forgive before processing all that, you risk bypassing your own pain, which then makes it harder to manage and heal. And sometimes people process the hard emotions from trauma and decide what their abuser did to them is unforgivable, and that decision to not forgive then becomes a mode of self-respect because it's coming from the part of you that knows you never deserved it. Forgiveness is purely personal and therefore should never be required. Another note on your review of this book: "men need respect more than love" is what my dad would say when abusing us. It's what my church would say when they found out about abuse. The belief in that phrase gives safe harbor to so many abusers in churches.

[@ardenalexa94]

Yep, how I was treated when I told a pastor a family member abused me made me stop going to the church I used to go to. He blamed it on his hormones and said that maybe when he got older the abuser and I could be friends again. The church needs work on how they treat abuse

[@yarigarciaa]

Thank you for making this. I am a devoted Christian wife and I have so much respect for what you have brought to the table. I've experienced and seen this type of harmful dynamic countless times. As a reflection of God's love, we need to do better.

[@Atomic_Unicorn13]

Respect should be earned, not automatically given. And abusers don’t deserve respect. Also, Kyra is just the sweetest! 🥺🥺🥺

[@unfollowtheinstructions6360]

I feel like this guy just very obviously has a very different definition of respect than the rest of us. Like respect to him just means: "never make me aware of my mistakes, never disagree with me and never say no." geez...

[@fran791]

This is a book on how to turn the love of your life, your best friend, into an inferior obedient doormat

[@hollya6408]

I’m not usually for banning books, but this one seems like it should be.

[@crystlelakefarm1254]

Agreed

[@Raztiana]

It needs a content warning.

[@warlordofbritannia]

@@Raztiana Yeah, that's best way to deal with it. Banning material doesn't actually help anything; allowing it to exist but making sure everyone is aware of the danger is the objectively better way to handle dangerous books.

[@HexagonSun990]

@@Raztiana yes and if you can read it and it's not banned, you get to see into the mind of the person who wrote it

[@Raztiana]

@@HexagonSun990, exactly. All books should be available, no matter how horrible, but some of them needs a content warning. As an example: "50 Shades" - romanticizing r*** and violence.

[@warlordofbritannia]

There can be no love without respect. If you're not being treated with respect, you're not being loved. And that goes both ways.

[@morgan5857]

I clicked this video as soon as I saw the thumbnail because HOOO BOY my partner and I got married last year and this was the book our pastor recommended we read while we went through pre-marital counseling. Neither of us completely read through the book, but I will say a major thing that turned me off from it was how it made the "improved marriages" sound so... transactional? I think I remember reading an anecdote about one woman that would occasionally dress up nice/sexy for her husband when he got home from work and then he in turn would either help her with chores or gave her part of his paycheck as an allowance (I don't remember which, but it gave me major ICK). Like, okay, I guess my purpose as a wife is to be a sexual object for my husband to ogle and then MAYBE he'll help me out every once in a while? I don't know. It's hard to articulate, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Another issue I had with the book was how black and white it made the traits seem between genders. Like men only need respect and women only need love because they're "built different." No. I am a firm believer that a ton of gender differences in our society are based more on socialization than anything. We socialize men to reject their emotions and to remain stoic, we socialize women to be submissive and therefore less likely to set boundaries - and this makes it SEEM LIKE men "only need respect" and women "only need love." But there is a root cause of those "differences" and this book doesn't have the depth to even consider that. Anyway. Sorry for the rant LMAO!! Can't wait to watch the rest of this video!

[@Sentientcrabpee]

"I think I remember reading an anecdote about one woman that would occasionally dress up nice/sexy for her husband when he got home from work...gave her part of his paycheck as an allowance..." Immediately thought: Huh, so there is a church-sanctioned version of prostitution. Though, in this case, it sounds more like human trafficking since they view women as free labor, not even allowed to learn about consent, and stay because they're cut off from acquiring their own resources and threatened with harm if they try to leave.

[@sunnyandthechlo]

Help her with chores or give her money 🤮🤮

[@mothturtle7897]

@@Sentientcrabpee SAHP having an "allowance" always reeks of financial abuse. Just because they're not contributing financially, does not mean they aren't contributing to the household. Obviously it's good to have a household budget and discuss larger purchases but no partner should be treated like a child getting pocket money for sweeties.

[@lydiatheglimmermaid]

Wow so well said!!

[@renoldojeffrey4653]

I hope you didnt stay in that church under that pastor :(

[@drtaverner]

Mature men want a woman who wants him, chooses him. Immature men want a woman who needs him, who can't easily survive without him. One wants a partner, the other wants a captive.

[@daniellozano6083]

Focus on the family is evil ! I grew I listening to that every Sunday morning. My mother was that type of woman in the book. She took so much crap from my father and her first husband . I saw so much growing up with women in church and such . Abuse is abuse . I asked my mother when I was older why she took this crap . She because of the family and that's wife's do . Still blows my mind

[@gemstonerose4648]

The introduction made me picture a lesbian couple at the alter both saying "I love u" & a gay couple at the alter both saying "I respect u". And the latter seemed so hilariously dumb

[@anaionescu8913]

My father has been cheating on my mom for the past 3 years. He's currently staying somewhere else, to give us some space and decide whether he wants to be with us, his family, or with his mistress. My mom still talks so kindly about him that it kinda makes me angry, and I suspect it's because of her fundamentalist values

[@loremepslium]

Went to a Christian wedding where this book was referenced and quoted. The bride and groom in their vows referenced this book and then the bride made a remark about how difficult it was to give her husband respect or something but she was happy to do it. It was so creepy! I read the book afterward and was disturbed.

[@Sarah_academia]

I actually find the phrase “All you need is love” rings true. If you have love at a base, everything else - mutual respect, empathy, understanding - comes by themselves. If you’re annoyed at your partner because they’re clearing their throat, then you do not love them. If you come home after a trip and get annoyed cause you wanted to have sex but your partner is busy, you do not love them. If you cheat, you do not love them. Maybe it’s naive and simplistic, but I genuinely believe true love is the base for having a healthy relationship. If you’re abusive you don’t love your partner. What you love is having someone who you can manipulate. This book is written by a misogynistic man who absolutely loathes his partner. PS. Never apologize for Kyra! We love hearing her. It’s an adorable background noise.

[@melber9408]

Have you read “all about love” by bell hooks? Your comment very much reminds me of it (in a good way)

[@Sarah_academia]

@@melber9408 I haven’t but now I feel like I should

[@evelyncolon5497]

I feel like feeling annoyed when you have a higher sex drive than your partner and don’t get to have sex when you want is a totally normal emotion, and as long as you don’t act crappy towards your partner about it I don’t see how that means you don’t love your partner. I could be misinterpreting what you said though.

[@Sarah_academia]

@@evelyncolon5497 I didn’t say that you should never be annoyed or even mad at your partner - that’s unrealistic. I’m saying that if sex is all you want and you get mad they want help around the house instead of having sex and you don’t care about their needs… there is a problem. I don’t think it’s normal to get back from a trip and being mad you’re not getting laid totally disregarding that your partner has more important things to do and yelling at them or whatever. I’m taking the situation to the extreme of course as it was in the video. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 years and I have a lot more sex drive than my partner, but we talk about it. We don’t get annoyed because we love each other and we care about each other’s needs and we make it work. I hope I was clearer this time!

[@rayafoxr3]

I understand what you mean but I have misophonia and people making throat sounds is hellish. One time my dad kept coughing and I cried from how terrible it was. And I love my dad. Yes you can love someone and still get annoyed by stuff like that.

[@creamsicle9826]

When i turned 12, my aunt gave me a purity ring and some girl defined book (i didn’t understand that i was on the ace spectrum but i was and literally had a panic attack to the point i couldnt sleep and was vomiting at the thought of having to fulfill a man’s desires like that someday) and then when i was married (i loved my boyfriend but was shamed into marrying young so we could stop sinning i.e. being intimate as 19 year olds) this was the book my dad gave me and i threw it away after our honeymoon. While I’ve been grieving the first 20 years of my life that were absolutely ruined by western evangelicalism, im so happy that not only me but my husband have left and are rebuilding our new lives together. Im so happy you’re spreading this information and the toxic dogma that is ruining young peoples’ lives because it HAS to be talked about more in more than just religious spaces alone ❤

[@Ireallywouldrathernot]

No one is required to forgive their abuser. There's so much pressure to "forgive" even if no forgiveness has been so much as asked for and what does that really even mean? In my experience it's just another way of saying "why can't you just get over it". Sure, I've tried to, I've pretended to, I don't talk to most people about how angry I still am. Turns out I can't just turn that off because I don't like being angry. But really that's just how emotions work. And absolutely under no circumstances should anyone be expected to let their abuser back into their life, that's fucked up.

[@sleepyotaku42]

I feel like a lot of people who insist on forgiving abusers either have never been abused themselves, or they were brainwashed into believing it. They really have no idea how mental health and trauma work.

[@jomaq9233]

Christianity seems to be obsessed with this idea of a “servant mentality”, where you are just nice to everyone all the time and prioritize their needs above yours all the time, otherwise, you’re selfish, evil, and won’t let go of “negative emotions”

[@mvo9856]

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority" For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person" -Rachel Oates I think this quote explains a lot about the dynamic described in Love & Respect. What the author describes as love is just "being treated like a person" and what the author describes as respect is "being treated as an authority." This definition makes unconditional love an understandable request: Everyone should be treated like a human being no matter what. But it makes unconditional respect an authoritarian proposition: You must treat me as an authority no matter what. The author is defending husbands for not treating their wives like human beings because their wives don't treat them like an authority.

[@TM-qt2ze]

The part about the dude forgetting his wife's birthday is so telling about how men are taught to blame all their feelings, like shame, on others, while women are taught to always blame themselves first.

[@resourcedragon]

I'm right with you when it comes to not forgiving those who have abused you. If you've grown up in a Christian environment you'll have heard that you have to forgive "seven times seventy". If you are in a subordinate position (like a child or a wife in "traditional" relationships), you keep on forgiving and being abused. The message you end up getting is, "I deserve to be abused." So, for me, not forgiving was a liberation. It was about saying that I'm worth more than the abuser wants me to believe.

[@Grahamisthesword]

Thank you! I needed to hear that !!!

[@johnrockwell5834]

In context seven times seventy involves the other person saying I repent or actually being contrite first.

[@SwanofWar]

37:21 I should mention that my mother uses the inverse of this model to abuse my father. When I would point out the horrible way she'd treat him - tear him down, hit him, scream at him, never give him a moment's peace, etc - she'd say "well he deserves it because X and he doesn't really love me". I was taught the "love and respect" rhetoric at my church and I'd point out to her "you never show dad any respect" and she'd claim he doesn't deserve it because "he spends too much time at work" or "I told him to do X and he didn't do it right". In the end, it's a bullshit model for relationships and gives people excuses to abuse each other. It's rhetoric that needs to die.

[@mina_en_suiza]

Abuse has so many forms, that it is often very hard to recognise it - especially if you are entrapped in a toxic or abusive relationship. It can even be mutual, if both sides exploit vulnerabilities (this was my experience for very long years and it took me a long time to realise that I was abused and even more that I also had been an abuser). Excellent analysis, as always, dear Rachel!

[@kellycowley3535]

From this book Emerson sounds like an abuser that purposefully wrote it as a way to justify/reinforce the idea that him and other men are allowed to 'mistreat' women (they never call it abuse) and then blame that abuse onto them. Because that is what this book is basically doing. Even the 'coming home from work early story' is basically the husband throwing a big temper tantrum because she too busy and stressed to fuck him and it somehow being her fault.

[@rowanquynn9964]

My mom writes a christian blog where she justifies her child abuse in the same way

[@fran791]

Using ideas from a religion that teaches love and altruism and selflessness, in order to justify abuse, is literally demonic

[@amyneu8078]

I think these authors only believe believe severe physical abuse is *actual* abuse. 🤢

[@frankiesayspanic]

i did a bible study group with this book (i’m an atheist now but used to be a devout christian in a church that i now believe was on a fast track to becoming a cult - it may be at that point today). this book, along with the discussions we had in the group, convinced me that i didn’t deserve to feel loved unless i respected my husband enough. “enough” being completely ambiguous, so i always felt like i was failing no matter how hard i tried. even when my relationship was abusive, i believed if i just showed him “enough” respect, it would change him; he would be able to love me. the book says that the husband can also show the wife love in order for her to show him respect. its called some sort of cycle; like, without respect the husband can’t give love and without love, the wife can’t give respect (you might touch on this, i’m writing this before watching) and either partner can break the cycle by choosing to give love or respect despite not receiving the other. *but…* basically the rest of the book contradicts this. the onus is on the wife to respect the husband *no matter what.* this book really fucked me up.

[@terendril]

I'm so so sorry :( you deserve love, period end of story

[@frankiesayspanic]

@@terendril thank you 🖤

[@hexonyou]

so many women were basically taught "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit" about literally every part of their lives, and that love/marriage is basically a romanticized "beautiful sacrifice" to fill their "role" in life. Often what they describe as "love" is just familiarity; and they go on to live the idiom "familiarity breeds contempt" rather than modeling true love (you know, the kind where familiarity creates understanding, which makes stronger bonds).

[@hexonyou]

side note- I love your hair color with the darker root ombre. it looks so pretty!

[@Tijggie82]

About the birthday forgetting, he could have just said sorry. Like technically it should be on the calendar, but really, all you had to do was say sorry and see if there was another way to celebrate her birthday.

[@JordoMIB]

For the loving someone but not liking them bit, I remember reading a story where a woman's daughter sided with her bio dad, who was abusive over the mom. The daughter knew he was abusive but just didn't care and even seemed to doubt what she had seen her dad do. The woman talked about how she loves her daughter but couldn't stand being around her as long as she sided with her father and I would describe that as a form of loving someone but nit liking them. I think the dudes who said their wives don't like them were just stupid and can't imagine a world outside the idealized 50s.

[@brittkeller4979]

depending on the age of the daughter, it could have been a survival tactic. she could have been appeasing the abuser so as not to be a target herself, even if it seems selfish and wrong from the outside. If she's not old enough to escape independently, then she has to do what she has to do, to keep a modicum of safety.

[@JordoMIB]

@@brittkeller4979 According to the story, the daughter was grown, so I'm not sure if it was a survival tactic or not.

[@melancolielupine2023]

I remember reading this one ! It was so effing sad.

[@Raztiana]

One of the most important things I've learned from my psychologist is that forgiveness is overrated. This idea of forgiving your abuser is just another way of victim-shaming. Hopefully, you love your partner. Otherwise it would be odd to be together. But some days, when you are really frustrated with your partner, you may not always like them. This is a short-term emotion, and it may seem to conflict with the love, but it actually doesn't, because you will like each other again soon. But if this happens constantly, then something is wrong. The couple where he gets upset, because she doesn't run into the bedroom, when he wants it: He's a CHILD!!! Adult life doesn't work that way! It may not always be fun, but when you have a family, then your intimate life comes after doctors' appointments, football practice and shopping for new winter boots. There may only be time for it between 21:30 and 22:00, and so what? Being an adult sucks sometimes, and we just have to live with it. At the same time as he allows these men to behave like children, he also looks upon women as children. This can never give a healthy relationship. Emmerson Eggerichs keeps rambling about respect, but what these women really need is self-respect before this kills them.

[@j.c.2240]

If I may, could add something tangentially related to this topic, though in a different context?

[@danaso2567]

I have noticed this as well, the pressure to forgive your abuser. I remember a gagging reflex when Rihanna said she has to forgive and help Chris Brown because if not who will help him. And everyone applauding. How do we always come back to the victim

[@Raztiana]

@@danaso2567, because people want a "solution", and it's easier to demand something from the victim. Also, this is yet another damaging part of the patriarchy: Women are always at fault for being victims. We could and should have known better than to become victims. Forgiving is the least we can do to make up for this, and this is litterally killing us.

[@BubbleBunnyy]

It’s also hard to leave the abuse even if you do know it’s abusive. It can wear you down so bad mentally the abuse is almost even comforting in a bizarre way. You feel as if you need this person if they are mentally abusive and make you feel that way, if they cut you off from friends and/or family. They make you remember the good times and forget the horrible. It’s awful.

[@YrkH8r]

OMG, I remember this one. I grew up in a Southern Baptist church and I was raised with all kinds of toxic ideas about how love and relationships are supposed to be. Not to mention all the nonsense purity culture taught me about sex. (Thankfully, I broke away from the church, reprogrammed myself of a lot of the horrific things I'd been taught, moved further left, got over my internalized homophobia about my own bisexuality, and married a great guy who shares my values.) My first relationship, unfortunately, was not great. I was abused emotionally, though I'm grateful we never got past dating. If we'd gotten married I'm sure he'd have put his hands on me eventually. Our parents bought this book and told us we needed to read it when they noticed we were fighting all the time. (In reality, he was picking fights then turning it back on me, somehow convincing me they were my fault and that I was just a terrible person.) I remember the crazy cycle coming up and the guy pretty much saying that it was the woman's responsibility to de-escalate, pretty much saying that you had to admit you were wrong to pander to the guy's ego because he was never going to hurt his pride by breaking the cycle and admitting he did anything wrong. And I was like 'wait, if we're fighting and he's been nasty to me why do I have to put aside hurt feelings to salve his ego? Why is that my responsibility? Why can't we both be adults and just talk to each other? I deserve love AND respect, and so does he.' But it's designed this way on purpose. Respect is considered superior in the equation so of course the man has to have it more than the woman. In the end, I found the guy I was dating neither loved nor respected me, so I broke it off. He was pissed off that I made the decision, asked me out again, I kept saying no, was pressured by my family to give it another try, and finally did, and he dumped me two weeks later so he could have the last word. That same year, I met the man who would eventually become my husband, and I realized that I'd been treated like trash in that other relationship. It was night and day. We are both neurodivergent, which really helps with being transparent. If we try passive-aggressive behavior the other one WILL NOT get the hint. We talk things out. We treat each other with respect. It means we don't fight much. We both deserve love and respect and don't feel the need to sacrifice either.

[@pencilany]

I needed to forgive MYSELF after leaving an abusive relationship, I was so angry with myself for putting up with it. I think this should be put out more...LOVE the snoring from your dog :)

[@brettmarlar4154]

Love and respect aren't mutually exclusive entities. In fact, they're more symbiotic than anything. If you actually love someone, you have respect for them as well. If you don't respect them, then what you're feeling towards them is infatuation, or sexual attraction. If you respect someone you do feel a slight modicum of love for that person. Now, this might not be romantic love, but it is still a type of love. The main reason why marriages based purely on love fail is that they weren't looking to find someone whom they can allow for their love for each other evolve over time as they also evolve as individuals. This also hinges on open and honest communication between those involved. This is why it's best for the initial, physical aspect of a relationship to run its course before diving into marriage. Make sure that you can still have the same goals after that phase before making that level of commitment.

[@icravedeath.1200]

That's actually really weird?

[@Dinoslay]

Love and respect indeed need to reciprocate. It only takes the loss of one to lose the overall chemistry. Lack of trust and eventual departure tends to be the result of that. It’s tragic.

[@wikaela9822]

I’m just starting the video but THANK YOU for continuously focusing on how normalized domestic abuse is in our culture and helping to educate people on it. It’s invaluable and sadly it’s a topic that could be covered forever, and I really appreciate how you’ve been making great videos against abuse for years now. I’ve learned a lot from you, thank you

[@wikaela9822]

On a lighter note, I love that you have your doggie with you when you film - the little snores and other cute noises are very grounding and I think they help me digest the heavy topic ❤

[@rather_be_known934]

Thank you for covering this book, Rachel! I was personally affected by this book as I read it as a teenager and did not fully realize how wrong it was until I broke up with my abusive ex and realized that he had not respected me during our entire marriage. I honestly thought that love was all I needed. But love cannot exist without respect.

[@sileylav]

"You don't have to forgive people to move on." This. These words hit me so hard. As a SA survivor I'm only starting to realize that I can live my life and still hate the person who did it to me. My forgiveness is precious and I don't have to give it to everyone.

[@cinnamonnotmylastname7663]

Everyone deserves basic respect. But when many men say they expect respect in the context of a marriage, what they're expecting is SUBMISSIVENESS and SUBSERVIENCE. Respect is not what they're asking for. And extending the "respect" that they are asking for means debasing yourself in order to hold them up.

[@superdrwholock]

What the heck, humans never fail to disappoint with their complete lack of compassion or empathy for others. How you could write these words and think 'yeah, this is healthy' is beyond me

[@kenos911]

humans

[@KireiC]

Love and respect very much go hand in hand for me too - in the instance of the husband wanting a romantic intimate interlude without a prior check-in with his wife, and then is put out when the wife is beset with other responsibilities besides satisfying his libido, *he* has not *respected* her time and needs by not communicating, and expecting her to drop her plans for him! If the husband in that scenario had called and mentioned he was coming home early and was hoping for some intimate time, his wife could either have made time for him (maybe sent the kids to a friend's house for a bit) or could have said she had immovable appointments or a crisis and said "that sounds lovely, but I'll have to take a raincheck." And how happy would she be if he responded with "oh boy, sounds rough, anything I can do to help?" Ugh. People. Please communicate. And be respectful! To everyone.

[@Pat_notacat]

I can’t remember where I heard it, but there’s a distinction between a normal person’a idea of won’t respect in a relationship and the Love & Respect respect that the phrase spoke to. Paraphrasing: There’s at least two different sorts of respect that people have. One is respect for others being humans and treating them compassionately out of that respect. The other is respect for authority. When some people say that they won’t respect you if you don’t respect them, what they really mean is “Unless you treat me like an authority, why should I care about respecting your humanity?” Paraphrase over. Source unknown, not me though. Love and respect, with yoinking respect out of love, definitely has that vibe with regards to the respect understanding.

[@mariaquiet6211]

Every toxic relationship guru makes some perfunctory words about "abuse" not being ok.

[@beewest5704]

Then their whole book reinforces, normalize & promotes abuse. Smh

[@BioRose25]

So glad that Kira made an appearance today. She always makes these hard topics a little bit easier to watch.

[@thecloverrover]

Being raised by a dad w/ narcissistic personality disorder (&enabling mom) came w/ years of unexplainable emotional trauma. I always felt responsible for what was being done to me. Thus, this vicious circle continued in my adulthood as my 1st serious love/partner treated me w/ these same familiar cycles of narcissistic abuse. It took me 23 years to truly identify what has been done to me but I still struggle to validate my own experiences (not self-gaslight) & shed my guilt/shame/worthlessness/instability etc. Using ur platform & own experiences to talk about these painful&vulnerable topics means a lot to me (& so many others). Thanks for speaking on all of these things.

[@suzankathleen3953]

Dude needs to read the long part in Corinthians about love. I am absolutely positive it'll be his first time.

[@krapincorporated]

I love a marriage book where a guy just drums up a whole bunch of weirdly specific scenarios involving a type of woman with a type of personality he absolutely detests and then tries to make a heterosexual relationship sound like the most awkward and painful experience you can possibly imagine. I love being gay when people like this are actively sabotaging relationships for other couples.

[@donnathedead7554]

I'm always saying I know being gay isn't a choice because if it was, I'd be gay.

[@ameliag.9940]

@@donnathedead7554 same

[@suzannewdowik]

I absolutely despise it when people take their anecdotes and apply that to gender and relationships as a whole. "My dad did this, therefore men do this", that kind of thing

[@deathlight4210]

Same

[@stampandscrap7494]

No one is saying that.

[@qryptid]

No one is taking their anecdote and extrapolating it to men as a whole. There are simply many many people who have the same anecdote and that seems worth noting. Twice is a coincidence, but hundreds, thousands of people with the same experience point to a pattern and in this case it points to this book.

[@johnrockwell5834]

@@qryptid Tyranny is an age old problem. They don't know what leadership looks like.

[@slardebard]

I watched my mother tear our family apart with her own hands. My dad wa blamed for it, but I was there and I saw. It. It wasn't until later ibrealized how abusive women can be. A child's home destroyed by a person that wants what they want no matter what.

[@MCKevin289]

As a male survivor of intimate partner violence/psychological abuse I really appreciate you mentioning us and bringing to light instances of women abusing men too. It makes me feel less alone in the world and that my feelings are heard and valid. My ex-girlfriend was the Queen of justifying her abuse and gaslighting me into thinking that I was the abusive one. She unknowingly point for point regurgitated this book to me. Every little thing was a slight against her or disrespectful toward her, but if I brought up a hard boundary and tried enforcing that boundary she'd fly off the handle, berate me, stomp all over said boundary and tell me having boundaries and trying to enforce them was abusive.

[@creeperkingdom3190]

If you look at the stats 50 percent of domestic violence is reciprocated (as in both parties abused eachother) And of non reciprocated violence ladies committed 70% of it. Dispite the meme we have in society about the abusive husband coming home drunk and beating his wife and kids your situation is tge actual norm.

[@imjustthisgirlok]

I have heard this "love vs. respect" thing from fundies before. Shouldn't those two things go hand in hand? But when you get married at 20 to the only person you've ever dated; I mean, courted; I'm not sure the love is deep enough to include respect.

[@cmm5542]

How would dating a bunch of people make you love any of them more? Love and respect should be given from the very beginning of any relationship, whether you are 20 or 40, on your first relationship or your sixteenth. It's not rocket science. Honestly, maybe the problem is that writing books about it gives people the idea that giving love and respect to others is something difficult.

[@imjustthisgirlok]

@@cmm5542 I wasn't saying that the number of people you've dated equates to the ability to love. You learn more about yourself and what kind of partner you want to have and what kind of partner you want to be with each relationship, and I think the pressure put on young fundies to get married asap robs them of that opportunity to better understand love and respect. Sure, some people will love and marry their high school sweetheart, but I'm not convinced this is the best option for 90% of people and I think the number of miserable fundies wives shows that

[@cmm5542]

@@imjustthisgirlok Well, the number of miserable people fed up with the 'dating game' and who end in miserable or broken marriages even after dating multiple people beforehand, would seem to indicate the problem is elsewhere. People can be miserable in marriage regardless of whether they marry their high school sweetheart or the twentieth person they had a relationship with in their 30s. And I don't think you can argue people who marry their first love (I have never heard this term 'fundies' before) are more likely to be miserable without statistics. The problem is people going into a relationship without a clear idea of what they want. And dating doesn't help to develop that at all. If you don't know in yourself what's important to you in a relationship, you're just going to have bad dating experiences. I have friends and colleagues who constantly talk about how hard dating is and how badly they are treated, and I just think 'why don't you figure out what's important to you first, and then go find a person who shares that with you to date/marry instead of taking pot luck all the time?' Pretty exhausting.

[@j.c.2240]

@@cmm5542 Not every love is meant to last, and it's important to have some relationships that don't work out, because that experience teaches both parties what they want in a long term partner, what they don't want, and what they need in that partner. Sometimes people do love and respect each other, but need different things from a romantic relationship. Sometimes one of them needs to grow or do some soul searching first. Sometimes the love fades. Sometimes your trust is broken. It's part of the experience.

[@tayh.6235]

@@j.c.2240 I don't think there's any benefit to having to date around for a while before finding the right person vs marrying the first person you ever date. I married my first and it's been amazing, my brother dated around quite a bit before he finally met his wife and they've got a great relationship. What I think is important if you marry your first is to take it slow and make sure you really think through and discuss all your expectations and hopes for the relationship and ensure you have good communication. My husband and I were very intentional about that and it took us six years before we finally got married. You have to continuously take off the rose colored glasses and try to see reality.

[@EveryDayALittleDeath]

Regarding the whole "loving someone but not liking them" thing, this is usually something said in regards to relatives - generally extended family that you care for but don't particularly get on well with. It's very rarely said about family that you live with, and when it is, it's usually about siblings where at least one is a minor. Because once you're an adult and you get to choose who you spend most of your time with, you are in fact supposed to like the people you live with, especially if you've made a commitment to them.

[@princessinmittens4783]

I love this video as a 7 year abused survivor i can for surely say when i wasn't being physically abused i did not realise i was still being abused. With books like this it can harm so many people. Also, so many writers of books like this fail to realise that men can also be abused. Its disgusting the way people are. i'd like to say anymore but people have been this way for a very long time, just no one wanted to bring it up. Thank you Rachael and thank you Kyra . I love and appreciate you both.

[@lindseymarie9773]

My old church uses this book in their marriage counseling...every day I recognize more toxic things that I have to unlearn.

[@WarTitan888]

A love without respect is fake love. Most people are in denial of this because of their personal fears and limited understanding of mutual respect.

[@Chris-ln7tr]

i really appreciate you going in depth on how most victims don’t think they will become a victim until they are one, and how hard it is to recognize that you’re in an abusive situation. i think more people really need to realize that

[@lizeee6188]

I was required to read this book before marrying my husband. We tried to read it together and got about halfway through before we called it quits.

[@raydgreenwald7788]

God I hope Emberson's wife leaves him

[@raydgreenwald7788]

I also noticed that he says "men must love wives like they love themselves" but doesn't say "womwn should respect their husbands like they respect themselves"

[@irene-cz1uh]

@@raydgreenwald7788 i was just thinking this, glad i wasn't the only one who caught it

[@sisuguillam5109]

Looks like she is part of his little grift.

[@stemcareers8844]

It seems that Emerson's definition of "disrespecting" a husband largely boils down to a wife standing up for herself, having needs that are independent of her husbands desires, asking for help (particularly with housework and childcare), and telling him no.

[@RachelOates]

Before even going live this video has been demonetised by KZbin so if you'd like to help support my channel you can pay whatever you'd like over on Patreon: www.patreon.com/racheloates I post behind the scenes videos of Kyra, post lots of photos, post script notes and there are exclusive stickers and prints too :)

[@axisavani3186]

Having grown up in the Christian community, I can confidently say this is a VERY PROMINENT BOOK in that circle of people.

[@axisavani3186]

I even read it as a young teenager

[@matwatson7947]

I've got a question. How would you deal with abusive relationships in fiction. The entire story of 50 Shades is abusive but in the context of the story it is a very passionate, risque but flawed relationship. Do we not write stories about abusive relationships, write a disclaimer of accept this is adult fiction. The idea of a disclaimer sounds good at first glance but is essentially telling people what they should take away from the story. At what point is the excuse of "it's fiction" actually legitimate?

[@JulianGreystoke]

Wtf excuse did KZbin give for that?!?

[@mookinbabysealfurmittens]

@@JulianGreystoke Right?! Wth?!

[@katefriend4085]

The kind of man who needs "unconditional respect," who is incapable not only of owning and changing his flaws and mistakes, but who is wounded by the mere mention that he might be less than perfect, is a man who has my heart felt pity. I would be ashamed to be such a kind of man. I suppose men who feel this way do go around just ashamed of themselves all over the place... or at least they should, I guess.

[@miaomiaochan]

The part where the author blames his mother's refusal to remain a housewife for the breakdown of her marriage reminds me of two true crime programs I watched in which the grown children of murdered women were interviewed on going through the experience of knowing one of their parents murdered the other. Disturbingly, they expressed resentment towards their _mothers_ over the fact that they chose to cheat on their husbands to assert their independence in the face of abusive and loveless marriages. These children were essentially blaming their mothers for the breakdowns of their respective marriages and for their own murders, all the while excusing their fathers' behavior and failing to acknowledge the controlling behavior, the abuse, and the emotional neglect their mothers suffered. The message I got from these programs was, essentially, that women bear full responsibility for keeping their marriages and families intact, even if it means staying in abusive, loveless marriages. Emerson would no doubt approve this message.

[@allykaman9340]

This sounds a lot like my parents relationship. Emotional abuse is insidious and it's reassuring to hear exactly how dangerous it is and how easy it is to mask abuse in these terms. These ideas and this rhetoric is heartbreaking, thank you for reviewing this topic. Great video!

[@adarcus4053]

I am a Christian woman. I always found the relationship books marketed to my demographic skizzy. When I was younger I couldn't tell you why exactly only that they were wrong. Now as a older more experienced person I agree with you. Many of the teach learned helplessness is how to show love. It is easy to convince many religious women of this being right because it's not a far step off from where religion asks you to go. No I never took any advice from there kinds of books.

[@ouijacorn]

"Sorry, Wife, I couldn't be bothered to remember your birthday because I was too busy thinking my hefty man-thoughts."

[@lisaspikes4291]

If someone doesn’t respect you, they don’t really love you. No matter what sex you are. It’s pretty simple, actually.

[@twentysevenhundredseasons7068]

I have always LOVED (sarcasm) the insinuation that respect is better than love. It’s more important. More valuable. More necessary. If men don’t get respect they’re expected to behave badly because they aren’t getting what they “need”. But if women don’t get love, they’re expected to endure or fix their “disrespectful” behavior.

[@Kate09090]

I was given this book as a wedding gift when I first got married ten years ago. I read as much as I could stomach before deciding it was the most ignorant garbage I’d ever been given. I threw it away and my (now ex) husband never read it (which is definitely for the best).

[@necroflowers2244]

When I got engaged, my mother who is a hardcore evangelical christian, gave me this book. She made it seem like I just had to read it in order to make my marriage perfect. She also gave me that insipid book 'Fascinating Womanhood'. I absolutely hated both books. I read some passages to my husband and he looked horrified saying no sane man would want his wife thinking that way.

[@estherokane7391]

This was my father’s favourite book. It enabled him to be justified in treating my mum like shit.

[@slowrunn3r88]

As a man who survived an abusive relationship…. I am horrified by this book. I always was so disgusted by any guy mentioning “my wife better serve me or I’ll remind her where else I can go” (or anything along those lines) And oh lord, if my ex and I had’ve read this book together, she would have easily used it against me No disrespect to any Christians reading this but I was TERRIFIED that she’d try to get me to see a Christian therapist (I begged her for couples therapy and she always refused), because I was cared the Christian therapist would say “you don’t need to be independent anymore; you need to live for her!!!!”

[@janetkizer5956]

It's so sweet how your dog worries about you and offers support for you.