Rambling "life story" | AvPD symptoms over time

I promise for all of our sakes that I won't ever make a video this long again. Also, the next one will be more informational. Anyway, I hope someone gets something from this! Here's some timestamps, less because they will actually be useful and more to let you know what you're in for if you decide to watch/listen to this hour-long monstrosity:
0:00 Intro
1:00 Elementary school (age 4-10)
3:26 Middle school (age 11-13)
11:36 9th grade (age 14)
16:33 10th/11th grades (age 15-16)
23:48 12th grade (age 17)
31:43 College (age 18)
43:32 Present (age 19-24)
49:48 How/why do AvPD symptoms change?
#avoidantpersonalitydisorder #avpd

[@carmenbennett534]

Being in a room full of people... total nightmare

[@launacasey6513]

My dad used to make me make phone calls - I had no way of conveying how horribly anxious it made me. He just wanted me to get over it. I still avoid calls, even at work. Ah, if they only knew it feels like sudden death to have to do 'simple' things.

[@ForestDoesTheirBest]

I wrote out a lot of nice things and then deleted them all because I felt like you or other people commenting would find it stupid. i would normally not say that but I thought you might relate. The experiences you shared felt similar to many of mine. Thank you for sharing.

[@JakeAvPD]

I literally wrote maybe two comments in the more-than-a-decade I've used this site until I started this channel, and I've definitely wanted to. I get it completely man. I appreciate the sentiment very much, thank you.

[@magical2022]

Personally I wouldn't think anything you would have to say is stupid at all but I can understand what you mean because I know some people can be very insensitive, immature and cruel unfortunately take care🤗

[@bee1411]

Oof I feel this!!! I do this a lot, I’ll leave a nice comment, and then delete it cause I’m scared they’ll think I’m being creepy or weird. 😅

[@Purplecow233]

It’s sad how many people criticize and feed other individuals insecurities. We should all build others up.

[@mak2488]

I can’t tell you how VALIDATING it is to hear you speak about school anxiety/phobia from a AVPD perspective. I too feigned illness, refused to leave my moms car at drop off, had to leave early, hid in the bathrooms, avoided PE, literally was ripped away by counselors from my mom because I didn’t want to stay, etc. This goes all the way back to elementary school. I’ve gone my whole life with so much shame about my experience with school. I also had exactly 1 or 2 sleepovers total and was hesitant to stay over each time. With friends in middle school, I also only responded to other people who talked to me first. Even then I didn’t feel a sincere connection to classmates or other kids. Everyone seemed so carefree and “normal” while I felt like a prisoner looking for a way out. Also, being gay only added to the burden of this anxiety even more. When you mentioned feeling anxious a full month before a presentation or assignment was due, I was shook! Me. Too. It consumed my life until the day of, which led to me eventually abandoning it or missing assignments. I remember when we had fire drills. Those were my favorite, because we all got together on the field and socialized but it didn’t feel like “school.” I loved that and wanted it to last the rest of the day lol I wound up homeschooling (independent studies) all the way through graduation because I just could not bring myself to go to traditional school and my mom acquiesced. I have a feeling all of us AvPd folks could make endless amounts of videos linking childhood anxieties, scenarios, memories, etc. with having Avoidant Personality Disorder yet having no idea what it was at the time. Thanks for sharing! It’s so important and helpful to hear your story because it made me feel like I’m not the alien I thought I was my whole life. Lol

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you for sharing, too! It makes me feel better to read about other people having dealt with the same sort of stuff. I hope things are going alright for you these days :)

[@christinejackson963]

You’re very brave. You’re not weird,look around ,you may be the most normal guy around. Sorry you feel others perceived energy or whatever and that makes you stressed.Your one step forward is fantastic. I am rooting for you. You do have interests, you are interesting. Thanks for putting yourself out there.

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you.

[@viciouscircle7802]

​@JakeAvPD The perceived energy is hyper focus on negative or difficult situations. I read people's feelings well, and scope areas like a sniper lol almost too well. Some.people.describe it as being empathic, but I see it.more of a protective measure that's been perfected and got.out of control. I can often pay more attention to the negative aspects of a social situation than seeking positives which doesn't help me although feels like I am protecting myself and often can't shift my focus from a perceived threat.

[@carmenbennett534]

Worst fear..... people staring

[@truth9034]

i dont have a education rn because of my avpd.

[@JakeAvPD]

It puts a stop to almost everything. It really sucks. Hang in there, friend :)

[@Loopisus]

I literally feel like you’re me. Even down to being in marching band in freshman year to be ‘normal’ but then dropping out the next year. I feel both sad and relieved to hear that other people have had to experience this. Hopefully we will be able to find a way to deal with this sucky disorder.

[@JakeAvPD]

Things are slowly getting better for me, and if I'm you, that can only bode well :)

[@SunnyMiMarie]

Wow. As cliche as it may sound I feel like you and I are the same person. I could listen to you for hours, it’s like my inner monologue in the form of another human. Thank you for this

[@JakeAvPD]

☺

[@yerinich]

honestly, even though you keep mentioning that its probably not a very helpful video, i think just the sheer fact of going through all those examples of the disorder/anxiety impacting your life is so helpful! i feel like i share a lot of symptoms although not as strongly, but its great to hear someone put those feelings into words. i usually struggle with reflecting on such moments, i was struggling with it in therapy, when i feel good i cant seem to identify with those anxious situations. but yeah, im just saying this to let you know how helpful even a simple talking video can be. being able to analyse yourself so well is a great quality

[@karlakleynhans1322]

I'm a bit freaked out... Is it possible that my life is so similar to yours?? I'm older than you, I'm in a different country. Obviously I wasn't in a marching band etc. But the overall theme... The experience is ON POINT! I have never been diagnosed, I had two bad experiences so wrote off psychologists altogether. If you ever see this post... If I had to tell you my story... You'll be freaked out as well. In a good way I guess? I feel less alone now. Thank you.

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you, and I'm glad I could make you feel a bit better. If you ever decide to share your story in your own video or any other way, I'd love to hear. It's great to spread our perspectives, but I certainly understand that it's not easy.

[@karlakleynhans1322]

@@JakeAvPD Oh no. I can't match up to you or the others. I'll stay tuned for more content. 👌😊

[@viciouscircle7802]

Same

[@WonderNemo]

I have no idea if AvPD is what's wrong with me (probably at this point), but I figure I can share my coping mechanisms with you in the hopes that you find them useful. Hopefully I can manage to keep this comment up for a while before freaking out and deleting it, but here goes: Driving: I am always worried about being in other's way and whatnot. Hate it. I now avoid the freeway and take back roads as much as I can and drive really late at night when no one is out. And I like to use my bicycle and bike paths better as they're usually empty around my town. Phones: still hate talking on the phone, especially with friends and family. I use "good listening techniques" to get them to do all the talking so at least all I have to do is listen. Sometimes I have to be thinking about what to ask them next to keep them talking or I'll ask them about something they talked about last time. The less talking I have to actually do the better. Girls: I am married (it's been rough lately) and in a different situation than you, as I've always been more comfortable talking to them than men anyway. But nowadays I rarely talk to people at all during the week. Anyway, I do the same thing as on the phone - active or good listening techniques. Even if I'm not really interested I'll just keep them talking by nodding or asking about the last thing they said. It's exhausting (it's a coping mechanism after all) but I think it helps people see me as more normal. I've been told on many occasions I'm a great listener - little do they know I just can't talk about myself and don't know what I should be saying, it's paralyzing sometimes - especially when I'm tired or stressed. Work: there's an online company where you do audio to text transcribing for closed captioning that doesn't require contact with any real person, kinda freelance data entry stuff. It's nice cause you can choose topics that interest you or learn about stuff you've never heard of before. I liked it. Anyway, a lot of what you said in your video feels like it's resonating with my soul a bit. I think neglect as a child affected me in this way, and your experience in elementary and middle school feels the same to me with weird arms-distance friends and avoiding class and people. I remember wanting to die in 2nd grade alone in my room. I have a hard time believing that people care about me and aren't being selfish or wanting something from me. Do you feel this way too? Ha long video long comment! Hope you're doing well. Thank you for this and your other videos.

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you so much for the comment :) I totally get the urge to delete it, but I hope you don't. Replying to a long comment is like having a conversation, without having to worry about something stupid coming out of my mouth :) Fortunately I don't have to drive a lot (for the moment). Biking does seem like it could be nice, but unfortunately where I live has almost no bike paths, so I would have people tailing me constantly. Might be worth considering if I'm eventually able to move. I've never been a convincingly good listener. I think maybe it's because I'm so physically antsy, or maybe just because I'm so bad at eye contact. I would be curious to know if you often show those sorts of physical anxiety symptoms or not. I absolutely do more listening than talking, but not either particularly well, and people tended to just not talk to me after the first couple tries (which is exactly what I felt like I wanted, of course). I am familiar with CC transcriptions, I tried it for a bit years ago and I don't remember why, but it wasn't working out for me. Maybe just depression. The plan at the moment is to hopefully get my shit together enough that I can be an author. I've thought of that as one of my more likely avenues for a while, but was just too depressed to focus, especially knowing that it can be difficult to get traditionally published. At the moment, I'm about 40k words into the first draft of a book about AvPD, so I think I'll actually be able to finish it for once, since I feel like it's something I really need to write. Who knows if I'll actually be able to get it published, but at least I'll have done something. I absolutely relate to having a hard time believing anyone cares about me. Some of the time, it's for the same reason you mentioned, just feeling like I only exist to them to be useful, not that they're necessarily being malicious, just that they need me for something other than who I am. More often personally, it's because I spend most of my time hating myself, so I don't see how anyone else could like me, either, and I don't blame them for that. Thanks again, and I wish you the best of luck in figuring everything out :)

[@steeperpil0t]

thanks for this. I'm still trying to figure out if I have AVPD or not. I appreciate you sharing your experience because there aren't many on here.

[@JakeAvPD]

I hope you're able to figure it out. Please feel free to ask me any questions I might be able to help you with :) I plan to make a video soon on the differences between AvPD and other diagnoses with some similarities - I wondered if I had autism among other things before finding AvPD and figuring out why it was the right answer.

[@EMK2017]

"Damn, I just want to go to sleep" is a big mood.

[@JakeAvPD]

Same, except I'm also really shit at sleeping.

[@noellemerry7136]

Hi Jake. I did the same thing as Chris...but I didn't delete it, It just disappeared right before I hit ENTER. Guess my laptop has a touch of Av PD. Anyway, another good video.Thanks for sharing. Cheers!

[@JakeAvPD]

Haha, thank you!

[@maristella287]

This has been a good video. I enjoyed hearing your stories. I feel sad that you have these struggles. Even people who enjoy other people become depressed, often because they yearn for relationships or a special relationship. I hope you continue to try to move forward. Don't give up.

[@simplypositiveme]

I really enjoyed this video Jake. 😮🎉 I hated school 😢

[@ritacanas2354]

Hi Jake! Your videos helped me finally finding the missing piece of the puzzle. I am 40 years old and after all these years of looking for someone that could explain what i call my "performance fear" and someone that had a similar experience as me, i finally found you! I also had very critical and toxic parents. They were emotionally and physically abusive, to the point they made me believe (i dont know if it was intentional) i was not inteligent enough and i was not a good enough person...the only compliment i ever got was that i was pretty but i had almost no affection or support from them. I was punished daily and as a result i was super affraid of beeing judged, specially around adults. After a while i started to be intimidated by my school colleagues aswell. I was affraid of beeing weird or rejected and the problems at home caused me a lot of difficulties concentrating at school. I have always been the scapegoat in my family and I was completely convinced that i wasn't normal until around 9 or 10. After that, i realized my family was the problem because i had a lot of empathy for others and i could tell right from wrong. I stated having emphaty for myself and it became clear to me that they where compromising my development. I was criticised in every way possible. Every decision was criticised. I was yelled at constantly and was on occasion slaped for "misbehaving" until i went to university. I was extremely anxious about school and socializing because i was so full of toxic shame.. and even though the social anxiety simptoms almost disappeared once i left the house, the fear of failing at intelectual and performance taskd never disappeared. The false beliefs and anxiety didn't leave me. I was diagnosed with ADHD 5 years ago. After a lot of self reflection i am almost sure my ADHD is probably the result of my emotional trauma. I came across descriptions of social phobia but i never really felt that was my core problem. I always felt my real problem was more related with my performance at school and work. Thank you of your videos.

[@JakeAvPD]

Hi Rita! It's honestly extremely impressive that you realized by the age of 10 that you weren't the problem. It speaks to your emotional intelligence and strength. I think you are probably right about the cause of your ADHD as well. While I haven't been diagnosed, I relate a lot to the symptoms of ADHD inattentive subtype, and I definitely see it as being highly related to the poor self-esteem & social anxiety of AvPD & where they came from. I'm really glad I could help you understand yourself a bit more, and I hope things only get better for you :)

[@ritacanas2354]

Thank you Jake! Take care ***

[@charlesdaubner1017]

As a much older person who can relate, from a time ago, to what you lay out, I think that you'd benefit greatly from "the right" meditation practice (right for you). If you could connect with a solid inner core (it's definitely there), you wouldn't be nearly so vulnerable to these external signals (that are interepreted as judgements, and at times may be). My God, how liberating to not be hooked by external "validation". And an aside, there are "Personality Disorders" out there (an example NPD), that have a nose for those vulnerable to, and feed off of, manipulating, you do not want to fall prey. It's a very healthy thing, for anybody, to center themselves (this is inside of, not outside of, you). And, it is possible. And I have to add, because "meditation practice" has not, ever, played a significant role in my life (I've got my reasons), I've found caring for animals (cats and dogs) to be very centering and very healing. The direct trust and love. Focus on that part of you that, first and foremost, wants to express your good will to others (as you are doing here). People pick up on that, and receive it and respond positively to all of your wonderful qualities.

[@ronaldanderson4995]

Way to go on posting this video, very brave, and I hope it's been helpful for you, it is helpful for me to see other people suffering with this disorder. I also have trouble with driving, I feel like everyone is on my tail, and tired of waiting on me. Then I've developed a defense mechanism where in my head I then get mad at them for driving unsafely and being so pushy. Then my head is in an argument about whether I'm the jerk or they are the jerk. Meanwhile of course, none of this is really even happening in the real world, people are just driving like they always do and it's nothing personal to me. Anyways, all the head chatter can be really draining, as it's just supposed to be a simple drive to the market. I feel like watching you is very helpful as it helps me have more empathy for myself (and for you). Watching you it's clear to me at least that you have this filter of so much self criticism for every little thing you are doing or might do, and I walk around with that same filter. But it's so clear when someone else is doing it. In reality you seem really intelligent and well spoken, honestly! But I know that self-criticism filter is so powerful, and it's really hard to see yourself clearly from the outside, especially when it really flares up. I also struggle with people's faces. When I'm at the gym I feel every face that is in my general direction is definitely looking at me, and likely disapproving or threatening somehow. I have to scan everyone to make sure they aren't looking at me, which usually they aren't. But it just isn't putting you in a good mindset to meet people or act normal, when you have this fundamental circuit in your brain telling you everyone is a threat and looking at you. I hope you make some progress soon. I agree with the only way to get better is to try and talk to people, and just keep trying, and face the fear, but do it with gradual steps of what you can presently handle. It is a very slow and painful progress though. I wish you the best!

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you! Hearing from other people in similar situations definitely helps me feel a bit better. Yeah, the inner conflict over trying to figure out whether I'm "to blame" for what I'm anxious about is exhausting. I also have the same deal with checking faces, and also don't want to make eye contact or have people think I'm looking at them, so that's a fun conundrum. I generally realize pretty quickly these days when I'm hyper-analyzing myself, but I can't really do anything about it anyway. Still haven't figured out what it is that I can presently handle, but it's certainly on my mind. Thanks again.

[@trmp9923]

I like metal music as well, here in Finland many people do.. Lol... Yeah it's the land of the introverts but I'm still too avoidant even for these people.. The problem is that I have to know with 1000% certainty that I'm liked and accepted before I can come out of my shell.. And it never happens, I can never trust people... I've gotten back stabbed and betrayed multiple times and it seems others just forget about it.. I can't, I remember every insult, every rejection, all their faces and mannerisms... I still hate the people I went to school with and I'm 34! Lol. It never ends.

[@Joey-rs7uq]

As another neckbeard shut-in, I thank you. Still learning what it is I have, psychotypal, autism or now AvPD. Im now 24, and still don't feel whole or capable. It's really nice to hear a story similar to mine. My childhood since high-school always rang in my mind cause of how traumatic schooling can be, or it as a foreshadowing of my future. Even as a child I knew something was wrong, and wrote a suicide note in glitter glue, its funny to me now but living with how I knew I would be and seeing the world age, and die around, its all quite a lot. Im alive now cause im privileged and have a family to support me, and knowing how my death would affect them keeps me attached. I really appreciate your videos, and you should totally make a new game, you sound very intelligent and I know its about the stress it can cause but I'd bet you can make something really cool!

[@JakeAvPD]

Thanks! I'm glad I could help a bit. Honestly, we kinda sound like the same person. I have tons of design docs and half-baked prototypes for games I want to make; hopefully sometime will be right to finish one. I hope you're able to figure out what you're dealing with and work towards where you want to be.

[@lucsgabriel1052]

This video was so helpful, thank you a lot!

[@arthurcreech7422]

I appreciate your courage and perseverance. I too have APD on some level. It was helpful hearing your experience.

[@carmenbennett534]

Thank you

[@catmando4448]

Congratulations to you as well, good sir! You did it, and that's awesome!

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you!

[@UWfalcin]

Please don’t delete this if you get anxious and overthink it. It’s great. I would never want myself diagnosed with this yet (I want to become a fighter pilot) but I can relate to many, many things in this.

[@UWfalcin]

I should add that my conclusion is it started after high school but I have no idea whether this is a disordee you can develope or strictly born with. (?)

[@JakeAvPD]

@@UWfalcin Thanks :) I would say it's almost always developed through circumstances, usually somewhere between 10-20 yrs of age. I think some of us are predisposed to developing it, though (namely, highly sensitive persons). Best of luck on your career goals :)

[@JustSomeDude31]

In a world where we feel majority of people don't understand us, it's nice to hear from people who are fighting the same battle. Of course not every internal experience we AvPD people have is identical to one another's but the overall gist of it allgns I guess. And thanks to AvPD it's against our nature to share stuff like this, which makes it even more special you're doing it! I recognize a lot of things you talked about here in my own life's experience. Also what you told in the other video about how you got diagnosed for AvPD, it was a similar process for me, it did took a few different psychologists and psychiatrists though. I'm glad I found your channel and can hear your story!

[@Purplecow233]

I find your videos very interesting. Thank you for being so frank and open on this topic.

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you!

[@pod8234]

Shoot.. I left a comment you could construe as criticism so allow me to also say I highly admire what you are doing with these KZbin videos. They are stellar. And you’re right, there’s not much out there on the subject. I have shared some of them several times and will likely share more. I’m actually amazed you feel up to doing them considering how uncomfortable it must be for you to hear these comments. Lol! And the fact you are starting a support group is really something else! Talk about making lemonade out of your lemons. Good job!

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you very much :) As per the other comment, I understand what you mean and I agree - I have a strong ego as far as sense of self, it's just that I don't like what I see very much. I was using ego to mean "healthy/positive ego", though a lacking self-esteem is a better way to say what I meant. I personally have not had any substance abuse difficulties, but it would be very understandable for someone with AvPD to have those and many do. Personally, I decided from a very young age to never drink (or smoke, etc) because I did not want to act the way my parents did when they drank.

[@pod8234]

@@JakeAvPDthank you for the detailed reply. I can understand your aversion to alcohol. Have you ever considered you exhibit traits that an adult child of alcoholics might have? But of course you did and that’s probably a stupid question! You seem quite thorough which is what makes your videos so compelling. And thank you for the clarification on ego which makes much more sense.

[@sandrakulikowski6305]

Good for you Jake. It’s very courageous for you to put yourself out there like this. As a parent of a son who has struggled with this it’s very helpful to hear someone being so open and honest. It’s really brave that you can share your story. I am sure you’re going to help so many people break through the struggle. Keep doing what you’re doing. Well done.

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you. I hope your son is doing alright.

[@JackPlatt]

Good Evening Jake! Thank you so much for creating these videos! I suffer from chronic social anxiety at a very early age, and a compromised nervous system due to me being given the wrong medication several years ago. Really sensitive to loud noises and people talking in a group. Leaving to go someplace is a nightmare not only for the reasons above, but I think for us, when we are around other people, we are at a loss of control of our environment. And I have to be in control of my environment. Holiday get togethers were always stressful for me even as a kid, because you would have to sit around and listen to people talk trivial shit! And than, I would feel like I would always be walking on eggshells for saying or doing the wrong thing. I get super anxious speaking in front of people or even calling on the phone. Cuz if I am the one doing the calling, I have to initiate conversation. Social media works better for me on Twitter or email, cuz I have more control over what I want to say. We could really share a lot of experiences, Jake! Peace-Jack

[@thevolkmiser3728]

Thank you for posting this! I relate to so much of what you said and oddly it feels so good to hear someone else say they have similar experiences to mine. Once I finally realized avpd is what I’ve been dealing with, I’ve been able to slowly force myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve been able to do the stuff I’ve never thought I could do like starting a random convo w someone and going places by myself:)

[@JakeAvPD]

Congrats on your progress :)

[@FrosttNet]

I just wanted to say thank you for uploading this, along with your other videos. I think I'm kind of weird in saying this, but It's very validating to hear someone else with (close to) the same experiences. Maybe one day, I'll have the courage to do what you're doing. Either way, I wish you the best, and again, thank you for having the courage and strength to upload. Be well :)

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you :) I don't think it's weird, I feel better as well when people comment about their own similar experiences. I hope you decide to give a try to making your own videos when you feel you're able to - it still makes me very anxious, but I'm glad that I'm helping people feel a bit better.

[@magical2022]

I like to hear what you have to say it's interesting and informative and I feel your a strong person and I admire your strength to keep moving forward and, you have a pleasant personality and your nice looking☺️take care

[@JakeAvPD]

Thank you, it's nice to hear those things :)

[@sociallyawkwardcub]

I remember doing the same thing, faking sickness to avoid going to school. I never made the connection to that and my AvPD symptoms until you shared.

[@carmenbennett534]

Basically it screws your whole life up

[@carmenbennett534]

Can't walk in front of people

[@JakeAvPD]

That is one thing I didn't mention but is super true! I try to always walk behind people, but off to the side, to watch what they're doing without being too close.

[@eliaslyman9256]

I really appreciate your content alot

[@JakeAvPD]

Thanks, I'm glad :)

[@h6156]

Can you please talk about how you feel when you drive? You touched on driving anxiety. I have AvPD and I've always had a tough time driving. If anyone comes up behind me I feel like they are chasing me down and I just want to pull over and get out of their way. It seems like my distrust of others is magnified 10 fold when I'm on the road, and I think that nearly every car coming the opposite way is going to hit me. Is it like that for you as well?

[@JakeAvPD]

Definitely a lot like that. For me, it's less fear of my own safety and basically still just social anxiety, feeling like anyone behind me is angrily waiting on me to get out of their way. I tend to speed slightly just to try to make a gap between me and whoever is behind me, and of course they often just speed up to match me anyway. The worst is stopping to wait for a chance to turn and someone else showing up behind me to make the same turn, and I have to focus really intently to try to ignore my anxiety and not just floor it into traffic. I consider pulling over/turning off to wait for people to pass all the time, but then I'm too anxious to slow down and do that, and there's not always a good place to turn around and re-enter the road from where you turn off, so I pretty much never actually do that. Personally I don't pay as much attention to people in the other lane/direction, except that I tend to drive with my window down, so I feel uncomfortable if I don't roll it up every time I pass someone going slower than 55mph. For whatever reason, the fear of death bothers me less than people judging me, I guess.

[@h6156]

Thanks so much for answering this. I actually turn out my mirrors just so I can try to ignore the cars behind me more. I always sense that they are there, but I do my best to pretend to not know how close they are to me. Maybe not adviseable but it helps me out a bit.

[@JakeAvPD]

@@h6156 I get that, I have to try very hard to look at the road rather than stare at the rearview when someone is behind me. I'm at least lucky not to have to drive much for the time being.

[@MelModica]

I have the same problems when driving and if someone is tail gating especially in bad weather I will put my 4ways on or pull off the road.

[@carmenbennett534]

Talking on the phone is terrible

[@karlakleynhans1322]

I ignore phone calls and text I can't answer now. While I'm at home. I despise voice notes as well. Face time comes from the depths of hell.

[@FroggyFrog9000]

Good vid cheers.

[@JakeAvPD]

🙂

[@pod8234]

What I find interesting is the preoccupation with self. That’s ego. So I’m confused when you claim to have zero ego. If that were true you’d not of think yourself in any regard! But you are describing my brother who is 73 years old and never leaves his room, can’t work, suffers addictions to cope etc. I think he has this personality disorder and uses drugs to fight the discomfort. Have you had trouble with alcohol or marijuana abuse?

[@simplypositiveme]

Jake, do you find reading difficult? Like comprehending? Or retaining the information? Are you better with audio books?

[@JakeAvPD]

I don't find reading comprehension difficult, but I do often retain information pretty poorly. I find reading easier than listening since I can more easily choose my pace. When I do listen to spoken audio, I tend to listen at 2x speed and pause if I need to think about something.

[@carmenbennett534]

Don't stand behind me

[@wisdoomoperational9965]

how can there be a loving God, wanting to have a personal relationship with you.. if he dose you with this fuckshit.. AvPd is what literally taught me about reality, no light, only pain, for no fucking reason... if u are in this shit for long enough, i swear i hope for nothing other than making others feel it.. to understand it, to teach teach it to them, so that this pain could be used for good keep fighting my man, im glad u realized this bullshit while u still strong and young

[@JakeAvPD]

Thanks man. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I certainly wish people could be more accepting of it without feeling like they have to understand it.

[@komatsu8169]

Do you want to have kids? I am guessing no? And how would your anxiety filter into you NOT wanting to have kids?

[@JakeAvPD]

I don't, and there are many reasons why not, but anxiety would be one of them. I am easily mentally/sensorially overwhelmed, which would make raising a little kid impossibly stressful. My anxiety makes being in public at all extremely difficult, and assumedly I'd have to do that more often with a child. I give myself plenty to worry about without having another human dependent on me :)

[@komatsu8169]

@@JakeAvPD Thanks. Extremely insightful. I was feeling so bad that I am a woman from Africa and I don't want to have kids due to my mental illness as well, and not believing I can be "there" for the child. Too stressful, even contemplating it.

[@JakeAvPD]

@@komatsu8169 Being a parent is much more difficult than most people give it credit for, even for people that feel well mentally. I hate that there's so much pressure on people, especially women, to have kids. Don't feel bad :)

[@trashbeast]

relating a lot here...

[@carmenbennett534]

Thank you