Reading My Anorexia Diary | How Everything Changed

I'm reading my anorexia diary because I think it briefly describes my transition from 'wanting' recovery to taking action to recovery.
I often think about how much time I have wasted trying to be the unicorn who figured out how to have my eating disorder and recovery at the same time. You can't. And, I don't care to try anymore.
INSTAGRAM: / rebeccajleung
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[@mjray1]

I heard this quote recently from Martyn Lloyd-Jones: “Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?" You have started talking to yourself instead of listening! So proud of you, keep it up.

[@twincherry4958]

It's funny because I tell myself how to deal with things reasonably but when I listen to myself it tells me everything without reasoning. Guess its backwards for me.

[@sumejja6226]

Thooo thatt quuuoteeee

[@Rafael-ok1tg]

I’m a guy going through bulimia and on the road to recovery. I don’t think you understand how much of an inspiration your videos are. The open honesty of your videos have shown me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are valued so much please don’t stop! Love you!

[@abbycarradine295]

Rafael don’t forget that you are valued also. 💛 i hope you are doing more than well!

[@vaughn2277]

Hope you are doing well - stay strong and stay positive!

[@almay1323]

Hope you are doing well! No one understands that men go through this too. We’re proud of you for trying and I hope you continue recovering

[@sophiabargnesi454]

Rafael You are so strong! :)

[@jessicastunden5562]

You’re so worth recovery and a healthy life ❤️

[@mrsAles14]

I discovered your channel as an accident, and as soon as I finished the first video I opened up another one, and another one, untill I arrived to this video. I HAD to pause it, because eventhough all of them are real and I can relate, this one is too much to handle, even for someone who started ricovering a year ago. When I was living my disorder, since I've never been someone that can be super skinny and slim (eventhough my ribs were so prominent and my face was severely disformed by the lack of fat) I never thought that I could have an eating disorder. I felt that my worth was linked to my weight, I was only eating salads and exercising every day for at least two hours, and everyone kept telling me that I looked amazing and that I've never been so beautyfull and sexy, so the fact that sometimes i didn't have the strenght to even get up from a chair didn't really seem like a problem. I didn't know what the desease was, and I wasn't severely underweight so I was fine. Just after a long time I realized that the desease wasn't linked to the weight on the scale, but with the relationship with food, your body, and most of all your life. I have also spent days waiting for hours to go by so that I could go on another day without eating. I know what it feels to be so obsessed with calories that you couldn't even go out with friends because you don't know how many calories are in that salad prepared by someone else. But you are the first one that I've seen that explains the disorder through these eyes. If I had seen someone like you before, maybe I could have realized my problem way ahead than when it finally happened. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping not just all the people that are so dangerously underweight that make evident the desease, but also all the people with very wrong relationship with food, that can realize the mistake that they are making, or that they can make in a nearby future. (Sorry if this didn't make any sense but I wrote it al in one take and I'm not even a native english speaker, soo...)

[@Bananainacar]

"It is not, I'm holding your face, it is not!" I laughed :)

[@Meggie3113]

I have never been diagnosed with an ED but I have been underweight all my life. 'I just have fast metabolism' -me every time someone asks my how come I'm so thin. Listening to your entries and watching your other videos has made me realize that I too have a bad relationship with food. I'm always tired and have low energy and I never knew why. I just wrote some excuses on why I don't eat more but I decided to delete them and make a promise to myself to no longer restrict (and maybe ask for help too). Thank you so much for your videos ❤✨

[@UrMom-vz9nl]

Meggie3113 congrats

[@lilahobrien3582]

I’m 14 and anorexic and bulimic and theses videos are so motivating. I have an other doctors appointment tomorrow and hope I gain weight 💖

[@majkel2720]

i hope you are doing well

[@lilahobrien3582]

@@majkel2720 this is so interesting to look back on. I would now consider myself fully recovered and am in med school. Even after I was a healthy weight it took so long but im now fully happy with my body. If your watching these videos because ur struggling know recovery feels so so SO much better

[@majkel2720]

thank you kinda needed that

[@eleanorchristie8727]

can i just say i’m going through a mini relapse and all these videos on eating and disorders came up in my recommended page but thankfully your videos came up on my home page, they’ve been so helpful for me and reassuring seeing your bumps along the road and current struggles keep me calm knowing i can get through each day, i don’t know how to end this but tysm

[@judiihu]

I love that you're sharing the thoughts you used to have when you were anorexic. I'm sure it would help a lot of girls out there. It's really so inspiring to see your growth 😍😍😍😍😍

[@rebeccacarman3880]

*girls and guys

[@twincherry4958]

I can't relate so I needed this.

[@tommatt4713]

Your videos give me so much hope for the future, thank you so much for uploading this! Its comforting to know that even thought you felt terrible lows in the past you still were able to push through will perseverance and get to the point you are at now. Please continue to upload and inspire!!

[@sofija_theresa]

I actually got teary eyed listening to your diary, since I had anorexia for a few years even though I denied that I still had it. I only just recovered properly and am learning to love myself. I kept a diary like yours all that time and I'm so happy you're recovering and doing better, because honestly, the road to recovery is hard but sooo worth it. so much love for you

[@GhostdawnFR]

It's so crazy to me how your thoughts and daily routines and overall hopelessness when you were sick are almost exactly how I feel every day. You give me hope that I will someday get to where you are. Ever since finding your channel a few days ago I have decided to take the leap and push myself to eat enough so I can get out of quasi recovery and finally be healthy again. Thank you SO much.

[@Kas-tle]

Keep making these. They’re so unique and helpful to people going through similar problems or just trying to get a different perspective on anorexia. You should be proud of what you’re doing :)

[@michellereneeg2705]

Rebecca. I have been struggling with an eating disorder for nearly 18 years... in and out of treatment centers and hospitals. I've only watched a couple of your videos, but never in my life have I felt so able to relate to someone about this. I feel like your story is mine. Right now, when I am really struggling, your voice is the voice I need... the voice that is too small inside of me in comparison to my eating disorder thoughts. thank you so much for putting your soul out there. much love. m.

[@mahinaswan832]

YOU AND YOUR DOG ARE GORGEOUS I LOVE IT

[@elenagouteva7377]

Thank you 🙏🏻 sooooo sooooo much for all of your videos. You really gave me motivation to fight my anorexia and try to eat more. Every time when my bad thoughts start to come I think about you and it really helps me. You are my saviour! Now I’m in battle with anorexia again but I think this time I will win. Thank you with all of my heart 💓 you are changing my life! Please keep doing this you are a hero!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@ryanmartin3431]

As much as your story breaks my ❤, I am so happy to have found your channel as I have recently had my daughter diagnosed with an eating disorder. I think your videos will help her. I am excited to go through them all with her. Thank you Sincerely

[@kingastolarczuk531]

Ive started my recovery from anorexia around the same time as you have. And watching you recover helps me fight through mine. Thank you so much for uploading videos ♥️

[@hollie3897]

You're definitely my inspiration and motivation in recovery right now 💜 I became weight restored and even recovered from amenorrhea (only once though) but now I'm back underweight but I didn't even really do it intentionally!! Still eating a lot but exercising a lot too. But your videos really encourage me to try and recover the best I can, so thank you! 😄

[@carolineoteri2293]

Rebecca, You are such an amazing person. I recently was discharged from treatment and I have been feeling my self-slip back. Your videos have inspired me and are exactly what I needed right now. I wish you the best.

[@FloorEnRobinZijnCool]

I am so glad that I found your channel! Your story is incredible, your editing is amazing and your spirit is amazing and inspiring. Keep going!! Can’t wait to see your channel grow. Lots of love from the Netherlands 😘

[@Bellaboo302]

Thank you for sharing something as personal as a diary with us 💕 the entries are such an in depth perspective into the mental stress that ensues, even if no one can see you actually struggling. And I LOVE the breaks for food in between lol!

[@Rachel-vt8mu]

I’ve never personally had to deal with anorexia or any eating disorder, but I still subscribed cause I love the vibe you give off and I think you making these videos will help so many people, I’m rooting for you to recover quickly! 💗

[@clarasophiaschuhboeck8307]

Literally the most beautiful person I have ever seen!

[@laurenortiz7375]

This is is really inspiring. I’m only 13 and going trough recovery from anorexia. Watching your videos helps me feel like things will come back to normal.

[@rowanwaring8856]

I love that you are so much happier now!! Keep doing what is best for you physically and mentally:)

[@Jeulianne]

Beccs! This is so inspiring. Your personality radiates a lot and I love your strength and bravery ❤ I have an eating disorder and I'm still improving my mental health, and watching your journey is really uplifting.

[@chameleon842]

There are so many similarities between my eating disorder and yours. I am in that place where I have convinced myself that I’m in recovery but I still obsess over food, watch my calories, and fear gaining weight. I also feel like there are so many hours in the day to get through and my days are planned around a strict food schedule. I admire your strength and flexibility so much and watching your videos has inspired me to challenge myself more than I have in the last year just in the past few days. I’m already starting to feel like I can make it out of this for real. Thank you so much

[@roseparkisagoddess2849]

Your actually the most gorgeous human I’ve ever seen 💕💕💕

[@LinnBlack23]

I honestly feel so happy for you. You look and sound so free. Congratulations and keep loving yourself

[@sunflowerkisses4503]

I honestly can't thank you enough for making this account. I've recently been discharged from being inpatient and am still working on getting to a healthy weight. I think i try and kid myself that i am a lot better than i actually am and that i am eating enough. I have some rules that i need to work on and i need to get in a better relationship with exercise . I find your videos so helpful and inspiring! You're absolutely gorgeous and, even though you looked beautiful before too, you look even more beautiful now because you are more happy and glowing and you are setting your self free and it shines from within you. You are so so funny too! I've literally binge watched all your videos 😂💕

[@anahiimeza]

What better way to start off my morning than to one of your videos and being inspired by your bravery ♥️ I’m on that stage where I want to recover but yet I’m scared of taking that leap for it...you’re a true warrior for it, battling your inner thoughts day by day and pushing to win. I cannot wait until I find my happy relationship with food and myself again 💕

[@veronicapape3396]

You are such an amazing young woman and I am praying for your recovery journey. Never forget how brave you are! You are an inspiration to me and my daughter. Thank you for sharing story, your struggle.....keep going as you are truly a beautiful soul in this world!

[@lucija6360]

You are so incredibly inspiring!! Thank you ❤️

[@stephanieyeshuaislife7236]

I started my recovery recently, and am experiencing extreme hunger too. It is reassuring to hear that you experienced that, and to know that my body is not abnormal, just going into a healing mode. Thank you for this video.

[@0808anazlo]

You are the only account about ED and recovery that I can relate to soooo much, you are so helpful,I love your videos❤️🙏

[@emmaleeviola]

I relate to you a ton!! I recently found your channel and you are honestly inspiring me to stay in recovery. Recently I fell back into my old habits and have kinda relapsed again, but seeing you happy makes me think that recovery isn't so scary and bad.

[@MishMashxoxo]

ngl one of the best videos i’ve ever seen on the internet fuck me i have a similar diary with similar emotional depth but with different issues and it’s so inspirational seeing you really try to overcome everything

[@juliannagutierrez180]

I really resonated with the whole validation thing. I feel it so hard lol I'm glad I saw your ed recovery videos in my recommended rather than other ed videos that don't have the same positive outlook. Thanks for your content! Your story is truly inspiring :)

[@christinalee7611]

hearing u talk about ur thoughts really helps me to organize and understand my own. i think u have a gift of putting feelings into words and making them tangible TT_TT pls continue to share with us ur humanly struggles with and ur dark days as well

[@sophiesantos3903]

This video really opened my eyes on how harmful quasi recovery is and how important it is to fully dedicate yourself to recovery. Thank you so much for making this video. You are so beautiful and inspirational and all the content you put out is so motivational💕💞

[@ezrabrecher]

Thank you so much for sharing these videos, you are so incredibly inspiring and motivational! I've been in recovery for a year now, and spend most of that year in what you would call "quasi recovery", slowly weigh restoring, but just eating the bare minimum and avoiding recovery challenges as much as possible. Recently I have decided to choose full recovery and challenge every single one of my food rules and restrictions, as well as improving my body image. You have inspired me once again and remined me so so much of why recovery is worth it!!! You are so beautiful and rediant! I've literally watched all your videos multiple times now hahaha! Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! ❤✨

[@sammyleigh1293]

I identified so much with everything you talk about relating to all the stages of having an eating disorder and recovery! Except for the part about having no shame, I'm still way to embarrassed to tell even my closest friends let alone the internet. I really admire your honesty and bravery, keep it up!

[@sophiawinter3007]

this is so insanely brave and can i just say you are so insanely gorgeous. an inspiration at its finest

[@cristinabock1310]

This is everything. Tysm for sharing. You were so over it. You’ve been through so much. I’m aiming to get where you are. ❤

[@littleone731]

I love how calm your voice sounds! Youre so amazing and inspiring, I can't wait for your next videos!!

[@laureehegarty1603]

I’d love u to speak about extreme hunger and binging in recovery I feel like when ever I try unrestricted eating I can’t stop eating and I’m hungry for everything literally 10 bars of chocolate so I go back to counting weighing ect

[@lexi8364]

I’ve recently relapsed and your videos are helping me try to pull myself back out of it.

[@eWeinAUra]

You're so amazing and helping me to recover from my ed. Lots of love

[@clarasandell6744]

You’re the best! And also really beautiful Rebecca. Continue with what you’re doing and you’ll change a lot of people’s lives to the better! ❤️

[@shohamamar8684]

Just need to tell you... you are so brave and basically amazing! I adore you and your journey! Thanks for sharing✨🙌🏻

[@beautifulbabygirl9126]

As you read these,I skipped around my own journal and looked at what i was doing during the same months/years that you had written in your diary _ I wasn't surprised to find that my disorder was worsening at the same time you were writing about your own disorder

[@hannakindingstad8575]

After dealing with an ED for almost five years I've thought that leaving treatment about a year ago meant that I'm recovered. Watching your videos and hearing your story has made me realize that maybe I'm not after all. I need to challenge myself and thanks to you I feel motivated to take new steps in my recovery.

[@clarasophiaschuhboeck8307]

Oh and,- this is so relatable, so often I would try to recover because I felt so weak and miserable, but as soon as I actually would feel better aka gain weight, I would go right back to square one and often even worse.

[@jankapeintler-krivan9471]

Can you do a video on signs you are undereating without being aware of it? I love your channel so much!

[@madelinemccrumb6598]

This is so inspirational and beautiful, the ending made me smile :)

[@ah-jz7ly]

You’re absolutely stunning! & your editing skills are amazing. Thank you for sharing your story, you’re incredible. :))

[@juliaj485]

I hope one day I will be able to eat unrestricted like you... you’re such an inspiration!

[@majkel2720]

i was afraid of watching this video for a while but it actually helped me. usually i eat like 'normal' but i am extremly exhausted. today im doing a 4k kcal challenge - i discovered you by that like half a year ago. i dont want to be scared of food or numbers anymore

[@MissKaylie96]

Maybe it doesn't matter to you, but I'm absolutely inspired by you and incredibly proud of your achievement! It's so hard to want to recover and it's even worse when you're trying and you can't get better. We have all this neural pathways and mindset installed in us and it sucks because you have to go against everything "you are" in order to get better. You're absolutely incredible, strong and beautiful! I'm praying for a lifetime of freedom for you ❤️

[@fight4youm520]

Is it not just a constant battle?!? I’m 40 and I STILL struggle. I just ate a donut and I’m beating myself up over it. I mean I hate it. Good days and bad days I guess. You definitely inspire me and I’m so proud of you 🙏🏼❤️

[@alexandrahuertarojo5119]

OMG! I understand completely because I have anorexia, this is complicated, read that, but is a process and you inspired me Rebecca!

[@leoniehofer725]

You‘re such a strong & beautiful young woman❤️my favorite youtuber :) thanks for sharing your story with us! Greetings from switzerland😊

[@KaitlinHiggins]

These journal entries relate so closely to mine. Thank you for sharing and for continuing to inspire me. The fact that you bought that cheesecake inspired me to try one of my biggest fear foods today = icecream! And it was sooo good❤️❤️

[@leslie9695]

Rebecca I really hope your reading this but as you progress with your recovery through your videos it has sincerely helped me believe that I can do the same as well. Your progress is also my progress thank you so much for helping me through this❤️❤️

[@alexiahahah]

It's funny how I relate so much to what you say, even though for me my eating disorder is the opposite. I overeat all the time, and I can't bring myself to stop, because some part of me, the lazy, unambitious part of me, feels like it's just easier to eat what I want when I want it instead of fighting that feeling. But I still relate to everything you say, the exhaustion, the constant obsession about food, the feeling of wasting days doing nothing instead of tackling things I know I should do. I admire you for fighting this disorder heads on, looking it straight in the eyes and not lying to yourself anymore. I am sure that, one day, your conscious effort to eat more will become an effortless habit you don't even have to think about anymore.

[@arielemoryjoli158]

seriouslyy "proud of you" the only thing i can sayy 💖💖💖

[@nayanamangalassery2941]

U r really a great inspiration.plz make more. Thank you sooooo much

[@katieholland41]

Can i just say how helpful you are thankyou x❤️

[@luanaarantes6302]

Keep going, girl! You're more stronger than you think. And very pretty too.

[@TV21]

Another great informative video and your dog is awesome - I like the edit you did with his bark :-)

[@KDu400]

You are absolutely beautiful...always have been, no matter what! You are smart and I admire your strength! ♥️

[@rzzb20]

Omg its 5am and i watched ALL of your videos just now lol Stay strong through recovery and hope it gets easier for you with every day passing Love your channel (just discovered it today) hope it gets more recognition

[@martini3540]

This video is one of my favourite of yours i can strongly relate. pls consider doing part2 love❤

[@berry7590]

That lower degree of despair... I relate. I hope I can read my diaries and feel this way someday...

[@crystalajodha3021]

U go girl 👍🏻 great video ur progress is wonderful... tour amazing to validate yourself👍🏻

[@larasorrentino6509]

This was one of your best Videos, it helped me understand my recovery a Bit more as well so THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!❤️❤️❤️ love u ur soooo beautiful 😘😘😘

[@Anonnn7]

I know this has nothing to do with the video but your hair is gorgeous omggg I’m jealous😍😍

[@isabellagalarza9116]

Just found your chanel, and I gotta say, I LOVE IT!! You're so relatable and inspiring, subscribed (:

[@AngelicasRecovery]

You’re such a strong person, I hope one day I can be like you.

[@emily-qe3yu]

So glad I found your channel. Subscribed!! 💛💓

[@missfreshavocado2448]

Your videos are so so helpful and inspiring!!! Sending a lot of love and support, sweetheart♥✨

[@hope-uc1oq]

7:06 - 7:30 I have a neurological disorder. It started a year ago. Every day I’ve dealt with intense, debilitating pain. And what you said describes exactly how I feel: ashamed, worthless, and hopeless. it just made me realize that I’m not trying to recover and live because it’s *hard.* so, really, thank you. I needed that.

[@just___addict9901]

6:35 - 7:30 First time I feel understood in my life.

[@mollydadlez2409]

love love love!! You are RADIANT!

[@user-or8qy1wt5j]

Thank you so much! You really feel me a lot,this my first comment in English, and that means really shake me!

[@lauraturek2302]

You are amazing and I'm really surprised you don't have more subscribers. You're so inspirational and beautiful

[@suki6700]

I believe that the same traits within an eating disordered person which keep the person sick, such as obsessive rigidity to under-eating, can be used to get the person out of the disorder. You say that you are very careful now to make sure you eat enough - is t hat the rigidity being used for the positive?. Recovery is possible for everyone and is within you if you can make the change!

[@clairedemay2418]

you give me so much inspiration and hope!!

[@missvanessa2001]

I also have an E.D and your videos are helping me so much! thank you, you are awesome

[@MinnieMousey06]

you're so brave

[@delgadocheryl40]

Thank you for sharing! Could you do a makeup and hair tutorial. Love your natural look and congratulations for your recovery.

[@Alyssa7.]

You're such a strong person❤️

[@Addelorme20]

will you please make a video on digestion while recovering please!

[@merihalme9498]

Really needed this right now

[@z0mggena]

One thing that I noticed is that you have no problem with keeping your hair out of your face, and that's really impressive! I know that a lot of people who struggle with self-image and who feel 'fat' try to hide fullness in their face with their hair, but you seem to feel very comfortable with yourself. Good work, you look so much healthier, and I hope you have continued success!

[@Luv7Bella]

U inspire me so much ima have my favorite dessert now !!!!! And it’s like this huge challenge and seeing this just kinda motivates me to challenge Ed too

[@priscillaloveee]

Love the videos ! So helpfull when you share your thoughts and it motivates me so much!

[@AshleyBitton]

Do you think doing the meals out with your mom is what really made you have the breakthrough to totally commit to unrestricted eating? Thank you for sharing your feelings from when you were sick, I could relate to all of it. You are extremely brave, you go girl xo

[@TaliaAnnabelle]

I too was/have been trying to convince myself that I'm eating enough while my body is screaming for more food so I understand where you're coming from. I've been trying for far too long to try and live along side my eating disorder vs living a life free of it.

[@5secondsosummer_923]

your videos are so helpful thank you ❤