Real Love vs. Affair Love

Is there a difference between real love and affair love? In this video, I break down the differences I have learned about real love and affair love.
Have you ever wondered why we ignore red flags during an affair? It's important to learn why we close our eyes to the obvious signs that are trying to warn us to get out of this relationship. Once we realize why we overlook the truth about infidelity then we can do something about it. Finding out our reasons for selective blindness is like shinning the light in a dark place.
Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.
My name is Stacey Chenevert and I help Pastors, leaders, Christians, and non-Christians heal from the destruction caused by infidelity. I provide you with a safe non-judgemental space to heal and return to the purpose God has for you. Your past does not define your future!
If you would like more information and tips on how to end an affair, you can read the blog post here:moderndayeve.c...
My course on How To Survive The First 30 Days After An Affair Ends: moderndayeve.c...
If you would like help learning how to heal from infidelity and transform your life. I offer a 30 mintue 1:1 chat. app.squarespac...
If you are a betrayed spouse and would like help learning how to reconnect with your spouse and learn more about what goes on behind the scenes of an affair I would love to help you.
I offer a 1:1 30 minute chat. Just follow the link below to my calendar.
Schedule a session with me: app.squarespac...
Please feel free to email me: [e-mail]
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[@staceychenevert]

If you fall in love once you can fall again.

[@melodykubiak5850]

I wrote this in response to a video which said the unfaithful partner can love two people, their spouse and their affair partner: "When we're in love with someone, we pour all of ourselves, our love and hopes and dreams and caring and loyalty into one precious, cherished person. We are absolutely wound around them and they are the person who has the uttermost place in our minds and hearts. That cannot be done with two people. Caring about someone is not the same as being in love. We can care about two people, but not be in love with both. To be in love with both is to be in love with neither one, as our whole being cannot be devoted to or divided between more than one person." That is what love is to me.

[@Hazlgrnguy1]

There has been some research on this and what came out if it is that women generally do not love more than one person at a time, but men generally can.

[@babaib3513]

@@Hazlgrnguy1 HOW DOEs THAt WOrK

[@melodykubiak5850]

@@babaib3513 It may depend on what they consider to be love. They may not understand it. Singular devotion can only happen with one person. "You have my whole heart" and "You also have my whole heart" does not work.

[@babaib3513]

Love need not b physical possession.we can care for people without being physically unfaithful to marital partners.caring for someone is a bigger bond than just physicality.. it s about trust dependency and providing all sorts of support of recqured.

[@melodykubiak5850]

@@babaib3513 ~ Yes, as long as we are not emotionally unfaithful while being physically faithful. Our spouse has to have the uttermost place in our minds and hearts, elevated above all others in a very special way. That is why "You have my whole heart" and "You also have my whole heart" does not work. If an emotional affair partner has one's heart one is emotionally cheating, which is a serious problem. We can love and care for many people, but in marriage we devote our lives to one person, physically and emotionally.

[@Mental_Alchemist]

Unfortunately it's usually a lost cause. Even if I were to send my Wayward wife this video or videos that discuss topics like this, it is like she will not watch them or completely disregard what you're saying. I've given up. No one should have to endure such disrespect. Her Affair changed her into a person that I don't recognize anymore. It is so scary that someone could completely change their values and morals and basically abandon their own children, betray and humiliate someone who was a true friend to them, have zero remorse or guilt, And yet still think that they are a good or decent person.

[@staceychenevert]

I understand and unfortunately, the affair does change the way you think and behave. Some people don't want help even if they hit rock bottom.

[@Mental_Alchemist]

@@staceychenevert yeah. I used to take it personally. I felt like maybe I wasn't enough. Like I wasn't "man" enough or something and maybe I deserved it. Or maybe the AP was a better man than me. Maybe he was better looking, or the sex was better, or maybe he was funnier. Maybe he was just better than me overall. It took a huge toll on my self-esteem bcuz I thought I did mostly everything right. Was I so bad that our family was worth Now, I'm by no means perfect, but I thought I treated her well. We didn't argue much and when we did, I thought we resolved the issue. I honestly thought we had a pretty decent marriage. At least to where if she became "unhappy" our family and marriage would at least be worth fighting for. But now.... And Maybe it's cope, but I see it like watching a person who got addicted to a drug who refuses to get help. Even though I am occasionally triggered by some of your content, it does help me gain some insight into the mentality of a cheater. I don't think we can reconcile, Even if she were to wake up out the "fog", there was just too much damage done. but I have to learn to get along with her since we have to co-parent. Your videos and content like this helps take some of the anger and bitterness out of it. I'm trying to learn to forgive. And this helps a little.

[@natashadickson4819]

It's not you. Some people just have no morals in relationships. In their mind, the affair is not even wrong...not even a big deal. They feel entitled to have both a spouse and a lover on the side.

[@Mental_Alchemist]

@@natashadickson4819 and yet would scream like they are a victim if someone did the same to them. It's like they skipped class on the day we learned about treating others the way that you would like to be treated.

[@EadsB7002]

@@Mental_Alchemist as someone who has been in the same position your wife sounds like she is in....if you are the least bit hopeful...i'm not telling you to give up hope...but i'm also telling you to do what's best for you... i'm not at ALL condoning what she's done in the least, but i have been exactly where she's at.... and i will tell you that it will change. She may not think it will. But it will. I highly recommend looking up and reading about "limerence" and reading all you can about it...i think this will help a lot in understanding her mindset/mentality. Marriage Helper channel has some videos and good info on it, btw. As someone who has been there and has come out on the other side/out of the fog if you will...i feel like i am finally "sober" and realize what a mess i got myself into and i know she will do the same one day!

[@mikesteph7811]

People have just become lazy in relationships I’ve been married 43 years to the same woman HAPPILY. But it takes work you can’t just get married and say ok I’ve got her/him now and put it in cruise control it takes constant effort and work but is well worth it in the long run in my opinion. You should as a man never stop dating your wife. That’s just a start

[@staceychenevert]

That's awesome

[@christopherlundberg976]

As well as her dating you!

[@ShaunyP26]

I’ve been on both sides as an AP for years when I was a single man and then abandoned and betrayed by my only wife. This is a wonderful video. Thank you.

[@staceychenevert]

Welcomed

[@lotusmccary9365]

People want to marginalize the feelings their partner had for affair partner. Fact is they are real. It is just that duty to children is higher because they are innocents and need both parents. It is sad that apparently the parents couldn't hold their relationship together better. It would have been the best for everyone including affair partner.

[@ShaunyP26]

They don’t need both parents though. Growing up in a house with a toxic marriage does them no benefit.

[@Mental_Alchemist]

​@@ShaunyP26unfortunately most Ppl who commit adultery don't take ownership of the fact that the create the toxicity. No marriage is perfect and there can be growing pains. It ebbs and flows. But when u step outside during those periods, YOU bring the toxicity in.

[@natashadickson4819]

The unfaithful spouse doesn't have real feelings for the side piece. What the unfaithful spouse loves is the convenience of the side piece. Feelings for the side piece are not worth leaving the marriage so the unfaithful spouse never gets a divorce and usually keeps the side piece hidden.

[@Mental_Alchemist]

@@natashadickson4819 I think that there can be feelings involved. But (at least for most men), his sense of duty and obligation to his family and wife often trumps those feelings. It's a different kind of love that he has for his family. Unfortunately, he may actually have some feelings for the side piece, especially if he's been seeing her for a while. But his ingrained sense of protection and provision for the family is on a different level that he probably won't be able explain to her. There are exceptions to the rule tho depending on the man. Some men are just cheaters bottom line.... No matter how good the wife is. However, Usually, if the wife is a good/decent woman to him, he probably won't leave and will cut the side piece off if she jeopardizes the stability of his family structure. Sick and twisted... I know, but some guys are just like that.

[@natashadickson4819]

@@Mental_Alchemist Those feelings are not real. It's not love, only selfishness. That's why he keeps lying to the side piece, falsely promising to leave his wife.

[@mrs.california1678]

What if you never had that with your spouse due to you guys being young , I lost my virginity as a teenager to him and BOOM pregnant that first time.. that’s it..then I begged him to be with me and he wouldn’t stop hurting me and when baby was born I moved into his parents house so we can raise baby together and he was still very unhappy with me, he wanted to party and be young and with prettier women and slimmer women than me.. but still went ahead and married me two years later .. and still continued his actions back and forward and then boom I cheat this year and BAM, he’s the perfect husband now... now I just need to get Over my affair partner who is a family friend of years (he is single no kids) and we started our affair this March 2021.. how can I move on from the anger with life on WHY I COULDNT HAVE GOT THIS FROM MY HUSBAND BACK WHEN I WANTED IT WITH HIM SO BAD... ????

[@staceychenevert]

Hi it's possible. Ot everyone falls in love with who they choose to marry

[@lotusmccary9365]

Personally if it takes an affair to get a spouse to address my concerns I am out.

[@lotusmccary9365]

It is sad the affair partner fulfilled your needs and now he is conveniently left behind. Without meaning to perhaps you triangulated and got your husband to step up. I will never again be in any kind of drama triangle for that reason. It is triangulation manipulation...

[@EadsB7002]

keep in mind what she is saying here in the video...affair love is totally and completely different than real life love... not saying it isn't love or that it was meaningless at all....just that it happens under a set of circumstances that hinder it from being the real thing aka built on a firm foundation and of an uncomplicated situation.

[@Freedom-hv3vm]

Will you ever write a book?

[@staceychenevert]

Hi, stay tuned 😉

[@Freedom-hv3vm]

@@staceychenevert can't wait 😁

[@Rvk1016]

How.. When I put so many expectations that werent met, but for some reason my heart is still hoping and cant let go.. While I can build on my marriage, but my mind so distracted that I cant, at least not emotionally... And he is out there still working out his stuff, at least that is what he says.. I cant keep waiting for something that might never come.. I cant keep doing this.. Yet he is not ready to commit.. I should go back to investing time with my husband, perhaps I can make things work out.. I dont know.. It hurst to be without the one you love and desire to be with but I cant keep waiting.. Life short.. Maybe I should give it a try with my husband.. But how?? when I keep thinking about my AP

[@staceychenevert]

Hi, it is hard to focus on your marriage when you are trying to heal from the ap. But remember it is a process to heal and there are things you can do to prevent yourself from getting stuck. Letting go of hope is the first step.

[@babaib3513]

He's no angel.pls drop him

[@EadsB7002]

I've been there too and i'm not proud of it... it's tough, i get it. But i will tell you that the best thing you can do is focus on you right now and working on bettering yourself. Things that bring you joy other than 'relationship stuff"... it does get better and easier with time. The last thing you want to do is wait on anyone...live your life now.

[@nancyp631]

Good one!

[@staceychenevert]

Thank you

[@мя_мєяк]

My wife walked away after 9 years. She walked away from me our kids our family our life. Feb19th 2023. Moved right in with him starting acting like his wife and mother to his kids. Amd treat all of us including our kids as if we are all dead to her. After 4 days they are deeply in love. After 2 weeks people started telling me she was posting on fb doing this with the family that with the family. But never post anything about our kids. She's only seen them 4 times since she's been goneand all she talks about to them is about him and his kids. Has nothing to talk about with our kids about them. All the games and everything she's done the kids are at the point point we're they don't want to be around her. It's been 10 weeks today since she's been gone and she's still smashing me around town and on fb. I dont feed into any of it. I wake up take care of my kids and try to protect them find sheild them from the incoming Shenanigans. I've been able to protect them from some of it but not all of it. She's at the point where she has lost control here but is trying to do anything she can to cause some Chaos or gain some kind of control. What is going in whay do I do. How do I deal with this. Ishe blames me for everything. Everything is my fault why she's with him why she doesn't see the kids everything wrong in her life is my fault it goes on .

[@staceychenevert]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very common behavior that your wife is experiencing. The best thing for you is to set boundaries. Focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. She is in a fog and it has changed her and how she thinks. Most people blame the spouse because they don't know that there is a root cause to an affair. There is nothing that you can do to snap her out of it. She will ha e to hit rock bottom. If you pray then do that it's the best thing. And remember it's not your fault.

[@ShaunyP26]

Mine did the same and then I learned they had a secret apartment where they carried out their affair for 8 of the 11 years we were together. It opened my eyes and I divorced her immediately and never looked back. I’m glad I did, because there’s far better options out there than your wife. It’s almost never worth trying when they do this.

[@arthurlockwood8735]

Don't think it's going to get better cos it's not don't. Teke. Them back it's no good. It naver worked again. I love her all my life but is it a. Villas on its over. Good luck with that. 😭🇬🇧🙏

[@staceychenevert]

I'm sorry it didn't work.out for you. It's hard to rebuild a marriage after infidelity.