Redirecting My Toddler When He Tells Me No

[@CrowandRaven]

It’s pretty hilarious that he will still go along with what he’s being directed to do even when saying no. Thanks for making gentle parenting a respectable method for raising kids.

[@ongbakaubry]

This is not gentle parenting 😂 this is parenting period.

[@alyssataylora]

@@ongbakaubryno it’s not. She’s being gentle. I remember having to do stuff regardless if I said no, my parents just didn’t say it like this, they were harsh and they commanded me. She’s being gentle about it

[@alyssataylora]

@@ongbakaubry why are you laughing as though you are confidently right enough to the point of laughing at someone for thinking that bc they are “so wrong”? When you’re the one who’s wrong? Please think before you speak 😂

[@sarahmrqss]

i work in daycare and everyday, when i tell on of them to go and change their diaper, there's always one who answers "no" while walking towards the changing room 😂

[@ongbakaubry]

@@alyssataylora read on gentle parenting … gentle parenting would have been to ask him if he thought it might be a good idea to stop washing dishes. And if he said no, she wound have walked away. Gentle parenting is a new thing going on with this new generation … it’s basically not intervening and not guiding your child. I agree she is gentle in the way she is talking to him and so on, but she isn’t by any means practicing “gentle parenting”

[@emmadantes6490]

My boyfriend recently told me that his parents told him how he felt so often that he never learned to assess them on his own and now he has so much trouble getting in tune with his feelings and expressing himself. I thought the empathy when he started crying was so sweet and firm at the same time

[@brynne77]

Then are you saying you feel like this mom is telling her toddler how he feels even when he says 'no'?

[@emilyboyer9211]

I'm thinking so... It may get confusing when they are saying they don't want to and you are distracting their desires by just saying no. ​I'm not a parent so by no means am I suggesting a new solution, but I'm wondering how that works.@@brynne77

[@theaquaticz]

​@@brynne77I think they're trying to say their bfs parents didn't do what mum in the video did, and that mum in the video did well with showing empathy and letting the child assess their own feelings

[@Gehennaaaaa]

Yeah and what is ur comment supposed to mean?

[@UnicornsPoopRainbows]

I get OP's point. My kids are still at the age where I have to help them name their big emotions. However, they are getting old enough, 4 and 6, that I ASK them first and we discuss them. If you continue telling older kids like they are toddlers, I can see how that would stunt emotional development and being able to analyze your own feelings. Like your parent always managing your money then you get your credit card and free fall into debt. It has nothing to do with the video tho

[@votewithyourmoney9454]

This is a PERFECT redirect. He wants to play in the water, so he gets in the bath. Its kinda like a compromise

[@STELLANOELLA]

@votewithyourmoney9454 there is absolutely nothing "perfect" about the bullshit she's doing here. Ignoring his signs (ya know language taught to make communication easier at a young age) and completely disregarding his choices. Perfect redirect my ass🙄

[@audreypuschinsky823]

@@STELLANOELLAkids at this age will often say no regardless what they’re responding to.

[@clearlynotchloe]

@@audreypuschinsky823then why are you even asking them yes or no questions??? same thing as just telling them what to do

[@calypselle2254]

@@STELLANOELLAguess what, kids don’t get to make choices at this age 😂 if my students got to do whatever they wanted, the classroom would be up in flames

[@briannas18473]

⁠@@STELLANOELLAhe’s saying no bc he’s a toddler and can’t verbalize what he actually wants. He wanted to keep washing the dishes bc he liked the water, which is why she let him play in the bath after.

[@theresabodensteiner9718]

Don't ask yes/no questions if you're not accepting his answer. This makes him feel like his choices are not valid. Instead say - i know you wanted to wash more dishes and your frustrated now. But we're all done and we're taking a bath now. Do you want to choose a bath toy/bath bomb,.. don't ask questions if there is no choice!

[@Mushroom321-]

Right!!!🎉🎉😮😮😊

[@Telly.]

Agreed!

[@lilpupper3627]

while most of her sentences are voiced like questions, they aren’t. One of the main things she seems to do a lot is say “okay?” At the end of her sentence. This isn’t a question about the actual statement, it’s more seeking confirmation of being heard/understood. When she is later asking him if he wants to take a bath, while she’s asking, the child is quite young and very upset, with tunnel vision on what he wants, and she understands this, so she says ‘yes’ anyway, choosing for him, because she knows having a bath would calm him down. He is at an age where making decisions is hard, and while I understand your point, and she maybe could have worded some of her questions better, I think what this kid will remember more is that his mother redirected him and helped him still get what he wanted (to play with water) and was understanding and empathetic

[@QueenOfEvilness]

I like this reply, because respecting his no is also key, you don't want him growing up thinking no means yes. Another reply I saw was " it's cute to see his desperation" no it's not cute. I get where she's coming from, but the execution is a bit off. I agree though, don't ask yes or no questions, be firm and also flexible, If he wants to wash more dishes let him, just make a cut off time instead. Like " hey it's bath time, you can wash more if you'd like after, if there is time" something like that, encourage his wants and needs, discipline bad behavior not good.

[@nebelland8355]

That’s what I’m thinking too.

[@pfifltrigg]

I don't feel like youre really listening to him if he says "more" and you don't respond to that or he says he doesn't want to do something and you just say "yes" back. The firmness but gentleness with the boundary is great, but for myself, if my toddler says "I don't want a bath" my response is usually something like "I hear you. You want to keep playing. But it's bath time now. I've got to get you clean so you stay healthy." And then just let them cry about it if they want to.

[@NotNarcAlert]

I came here to say this. He wasn't being heard. Kinda gaslighted him lol

[@SartorialDragon]

yes, i sensed that too. i don't think this was done in a super concerning way, but i also think there should be room to acknowledge and feel the feelings attached to the No.

[@lourdesengel8704]

Love this

[@c-3786]

There’s something about her tone I just don’t like… I know he is a baby, but she talks to the kid like he is stupid and doesn’t understand yes and no. Kids actually don’t like that… they hear that tone more than the words and to me this would say that someone is concerned, or that I am doing something wrong so they are showing me how to do it instead.

[@riverphoenix1379]

Yup just because she talks to him in a sweet voice doesnt mean it's right. Don't ask kids this age questions, just say "It's time to get ready for bed now. "

[@heathermathews1872]

I like the sign language! It makes it so much easier to communicate with nonverbal kids.

[@livjowen]

Yes!! ♥️

[@aronfreilich8133]

​@livjowen are the sign language gestures something that you came up with in your on?

[@UnluckyOctopus]

One trick you may want to try is instead of asking yes/no questions. Try would you like your X toy for the bath or your Y toy? The bath is non negotiable but give them something they do have a say in.

[@terrig2298]

@@UnluckyOctopus Great advice!

[@arielgsb5178]

​@@aronfreilich8133I believe she was using the signs from American sign language :)

[@SENSEF]

Telling him "it's bathtime - yes" isn't "understanding and empathy" as she labeled it. Empathy would be, "I understand you're feeling frustrated because you want to do more dishes. The dishes are all done but there's more water playtime in the bath!"

[@wolke3282]

Bro it's a baby, it won't understand allat

[@Mushroom321-]

Exactly!!😮😮😊🎉🎉

[@youtubehandlesareannoying]

​@wolke3282 the baby doesn't have to understand it all, exposure to things you don't fully understand is literally how you learn new things

[@squirrel1226]

⁠​⁠@@wolke3282 He definitely did understand what she was saying the entire time - why do you think he kept saying “more” or “no” to bath time? He got upset because she wasn’t listening to him when he said he wanted to do more dishes and kept pushing bath time on him when he said no. I think it’s safe to assume he’d also understand her if she explained herself a bit better instead of completely disregarding what he was saying

[@spleenog]

Yea, this just feels unnecessary and very much like gaslighting. Very controlling, and borderline abusive. He can clearly see there are more dishes to be done but she's treating him like an idiot. Just treat him like a person and things will make sense to him at least.

[@SparklesClock]

Don't ask questions if you aren't going to listen to their answer. Completly diregarding them is rude. Can totally reframe all these as directed instructions or if you must ask questions as ones wherd it doesn't matter the answer. "Eg, do you wanna wash this dish or this dish?" "Washing dishes is over. Time for a bath. Do you want to want bubbles or no bubbles?"

[@JesusLightsYourPath]

She could just say "Okay, you can wash 2 more dishes and then we're going to take a bath"

[@jennajewert]

She listened then redirected which can look like disregard but it's not. She is teaching her children how to obey and be flexible. We don't always get to do whatever we want whenever we feel like doing it. This is a loving way to install behavior management. A lot better than yelling.

[@LycanKai14]

​@@jennajewertNo one is saying he should get to do whatever he wants. People are saying that you shouldn't ask a yes or no question if you're going to ignore them and pretend they said yes.

[@nettie367]

I'm not quite sure what the point of asking questions is if the answer doesn't matter at all. The entire video is basically "Do you want to do the dishes? - No. - Yes! 😊 Now do you want to do something else? - No!! - Yess! 🤩😍 Do you want to play in the water now? - No! 😭😭 - Oh my god, is that a YESSSS?? 🥰🥰" I might be wrong and I don't have children so I can't really judge, but something doesn't sound right to me

[@kuobah]

So what I'm hearing is yes, you think the video is correct and she's doing a great job ❤😊😍 (lol)

[@megandelli1]

To me it seems like putting the kid through a lot more emotional turmoil than necessary. Making them believe they have a choice, then turning around and making it for them. My kids have never had emotional breakdowns for more than like 20 seconds. I give them a warning of how much time we have left. Then when the time is over I just say we’re all done and move on and say what’s next… this is too complicated

[@kellychapman8095]

Strongly agree​@@megandelli1

[@cjb2749]

You're not wrong. Overall, her patience and soothing tone of voice are going to have the greatest impact, especially while he's so little, so there's really no harm caused by her blatant disregard. Yet

[@riveranalyse]

Totally. Forcing him to wash the dishes and then immediately forcing him to stop. Bizzare.

[@Izzy-cp8yt]

I'm not a fan of the "want to?" Approach. The child DOESN'T want to, and that's okay. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Responding to his no with a yes is just ignoring his words and pushing him to give the response mom wants to hear. In situations like this, I like to try and carry something of the preferred activity to the necessary activity. It's time for a bath - lets go make soap bubbles in the bath like we have in the sink. Do you want to pick one dish to bring with you to wash in the bathtub? If you have a spare sponge, bring that and make it a bath toy sponge. If he's still saying no, I'd say "I'm hearing that you don't want to take a bath right now. You have to take a bath so you can be clean, but after you're all done with the bath you can pick something to do. After your bath, should we read a book, or play with your trains?" You can validate their words/feelings and still affirm what needs to happen.

[@TenApplesforTime]

Thank you! I feel like there's no actual communication here. She's just telling him what to do while ignoring his reactions, like no wonder he gets upset at the end he's probably confused at what's going on. I'm not even sure why she's trying to teach him to wash dishes at this age.

[@zora2935]

@@TenApplesforTime I think it’s nice to let them help out in the household as soon as they want. He might have seen his big sister do it and wanted to do it too. So why not let him help? But I agree on the original comment. That part wasn't a very good redirect. Not one to film and put online as an example anyway.

[@matelko333]

what you're saying is that at the end of the day, if he still says no you're gonna make him do it but add extra words...

[@TenApplesforTime]

@@matelko333 If acknowledgement of a child's responses and emotions is just "extra words" to you, parenthood may not be the path for you.

[@TenApplesforTime]

@@zora2935 Oh I agree with everything you said, it just seemed to me like she was forcing him to do this task where he barely understands or is interested in whats going on. I may be making presumptions though or missed something at the start of the video.

[@bambii-_]

i wouldnt use questions with kids if their answers are just compeltely ignored. ''do you want to do this?'' ''no i dont!'' ''yes you do :)'' do you see how that doesnt really work? of course they still have to do the thing, but you need to tell him that instead of telling him he actually does want to do the thing when he doesnt

[@PsychoJosie]

100 % agree!

[@fariahcriss5696]

For real, my mom used to do this and it sent me into complete meltdowns because I wasn't ever being heard. As I got older that then evolved into "I will never be listened to" and shutting down completely. Don't do this to your kids.

[@laurenyost1526]

Yes! I totally agree. Given the opportunity to say "no", that is exactly what every toddler is going to do, even if they're excited about the thing. For some reason saying no it's just more fun 😂

[@PsychoJosie]

@@fariahcriss5696 Absolutely understandable! I am sorry you went through it. It's slightly related to “learned helplessness”. With a parenting style like that, you learn that no matter whether you express what you want or not, the other person will do what they want anyway.

[@CandiedLittleYams]

Yeah that kinda disturbed me. I’m a gentle parent failure, and that no/yes even caught my attention.

[@No-ue5pi]

I don't know how I feel about teaching a child that you're gonna take their "No" as "Yes"... I feel like that could set up for some issues with boundaries and consent later on.

[@dantelundell9386]

This take is valid, but my personal opinion isn't that she's disregarding his "no" it's that she is the authority- and he needs to listen when she says that dish-time is up and he needs to take a bath; only that this is reframed in a kinder and more approacheable way.

[@PandoraStolen]

​@@dantelundell9386 she is the authority and he needs to listen to her when she says something it's over it's over. But asking him if he wants to do something and he says no and she tells him yes he does. And then she asked him again and he says no again and she tells him Yes again is not the way to do it. You can tell a kid it's time to do something and you can redirect it in a positive way without asking them a yes or no question and when you don't get the answer you want you just disregard their answer and tell them yes.

[@chandaelizabeth3046]

So, youbare just going to let your kids run the house so they dont have "boundary issues"? Sounds like you have boundary issues friend 😂

[@lishanimations9852]

​@@chandaelizabeth3046 not what they said or implied.

[@graces1stpsata]

@@chandaelizabeth3046no… if there is something your kid NEEDS to do then you TELL them to do it. don’t ask. it’s that simple.

[@jenanimazed5932]

There’s no actual empathy or understanding displayed here, but the redirection and firmness were done well.

[@firefly620]

Yes to all of it, that was well done! but saying Yes to a No is not a positive reframing, that's just contradicting. Positive reframing means finding the good in difficult situations.

[@MissyWebb12]

This

[@SENSEF]

And telling him "it's bathtime - yes" isn't "understanding and empathy" as she labeled it. Empathy would be, "I understand you're feeling frustrating you want to do more dishes. The dishes are all done but there's more water playtime in the bath!"

[@jaimmedenny6552]

Yeah I just watched this and immediately felt like if I was him I'd be like "shut up I'm telling you I'm sad stop telling me it's happy"

[@user-jb1mb5xh9t]

​@jaimmedenny6552 she wasn't telling him how to feel though. If she told him he should be happy when he was sad then fair enough, but replying "yes we're having a bath" to a toddler crying "no" is not at all the same thing as telling them how to feel

[@zora2935]

@@user-jb1mb5xh9t she asked him: “do you want to take a bath?” he said “NO” and she ignored it and said “yes” showing him that his choices are wrong and that he means yes when he says no… So that was not a good move. That could have been handled better.

[@unabAshedVO]

Get practiced in NOT saying “ok?” at the end of directives. It’s asking their permission to follow directions. Also, it leaves an opening for the child to say “no”, just like this one did. Not saying kids shouldn’t have the option to say “no”, but if there truly isn’t the option at a given time, let directives be firm.

[@Amberrogers]

Yeah don't give the kid an illusion of choice. That's just going to teach the kid that his choices are meaningless

[@trishgels]

​@@AmberrogersAnd that everything is a choice, when ir won't always be that way throughout life.

[@astraamarante6233]

"Positive reframing" - The correct term is "dismissal" because no matter what he answers, the decision will be the mother's, so this in fact just teaches the child that what he wants and how he feels doesn't matter because mommy's decisions are the only important ones. At 16, I remember my mom asking me to do a menial thing that would've been easy for her, like grabbing a blanket, and when I said no (which I did rarely because I felt silenced and unheard due to treatment like this where my no was redirected into something that was not my choice) my mom just kept asking me the same question in a cheery tone until I said yes. This made me feel so small and unimportant and worthless. I wanted to cry so badly and I still do when I think about how I as a person was ignored completely in favor of what my mom wanted me to do.

[@MorellaDeville]

"Do you want to go take a bath with mom?" "No." "Yes..." I can see you're doing a good job at staying calm, sign posting, repeating important phrases like "a done washing dishes" but gurl. Don't act like you're listening to them when you're not. He's going to have a meltdown if you look at him with a big smile and completely disregard the answer he just gave to a question you asked. Tell him what you're doing next and ask if he thinks it sounds fun, but don't ask him what he wants and then say "oh well I'll pretend you gave the answer I wanted"

[@babyblueeyes7177]

All he wanted was to do some more dishes, it’s good for toddlers to play in the water, it’s therapeutic and relaxing. I mean why can’t he just do a couple more? I thought she had a dish washer? She often gets them to empty and fill the dish washer.

[@searece]

It's not about the dishwashing, I think. It's how she basically just ignored what he said?

[@SENSEF]

And then she labeled it "empathy and understanding." 🙄 I saw none of that. Just bossing around, perhaps in a nicer way than previous generations, but still bossing, no listening.

[@MorellaDeville]

@@babyblueeyes7177 sometimes the activities are done, mummy doesn't want to stand and supervise this anymore, there is water on the floor and its time to get bed time routine going. It's just time to be done.

[@nellie3061]

So anything the baby doesn’t want to do they shouldn’t have to do? That child is gonna grow up having never heard the word “no”

[@nomiedezdez9256]

Omg I remember hating when my grandmother would ask me a question only to fully disregard my answer for her own. Why ask then?? You clearly don’t care what I answer anyway

[@Pe_Fr_vo_Mu_Ko_de_Ro_III]

I wonder what the reasoning is behind distracting your child from their problems instead of helping them face their problems. My parents would tell me that when I was crying about something miniscule that I didn't need to be crying. Instead of saying, "Hey, let's sneakily make you ignore your problems," say, "Let's help you acknowledge the problem and reconcile with the fact that you can't get what you want all the time."

[@ATLA99]

If he were older, i would agree with you, but he is too young to have a thoughtful discussion about not getting his way all the time. Those kind of lessons dont start to stick until a little later. At this age, redirecting is 100% the right thing to do

[@Pe_Fr_vo_Mu_Ko_de_Ro_III]

​@@ATLA99Now that I think about it, you're probably right. I guess I'm just tired of the gentle parenting videos. It's personally a style of parenting I disagree with (in case you can't tell 😅).

[@ATLA99]

@@Pe_Fr_vo_Mu_Ko_de_Ro_III thank you for reconsidering. Not a lot of people are willing to do that. The term gentle parenting has earned a bad reputation because of some parents who display permissive parenting and call it gentle parenting. It is absolutely necessary to be more stern with older children and based on what i've seen from this mom, i believe that she and the dad do use an age appropriate amount of sternness with their 6 older children because they seem to be very well behaved and helpful. I've worked with kids for a long time and babies/toddlers at this age are lost and confused and overwhelmed so they need gentleness and redirection. Again, thanks for sharing your experience and being willing to listen to other persoectives

[@ATLA99]

@@Pe_Fr_vo_Mu_Ko_de_Ro_III thank you for reconsidering. Not a lot of people are willing to do that. The term gentle parenting has earned a bad reputation because of some parents who display permissive parenting and call it gentle parenting. It is absolutely necessary to be more stern with older children and based on what i've seen from this mom, i believe that she and the dad do use an age appropriate amount of sternness with their 6 older children because they seem to be very well behaved and helpful. I've worked with kids for a long time and babies/toddlers at this age are lost and confused and overwhelmed so they need gentleness and redirection. Again, thanks for sharing your experience and being willing to listen to other perspectives

[@Pe_Fr_vo_Mu_Ko_de_Ro_III]

@@ATLA99 Np! I have to consider that I've never had kids, so the only experience I've had with parenting is what my parents raised me with. I just go off of that because I think I'm where I am today because of how they raised me.

[@STELLANOELLA]

How is asking a yes or no question then immediately combating them with the opposite of their answer the "right" way to do things🤔

[@GrowWildOutdoors]

It's not. She didn't mention child development credentials; I'd be interested in understanding where this best practice originated from.

[@cheryldaltonchandler8431]

I’m just waiting for her to stop asking her children permission to be the parent…..geeez , just say no and stop negotiating this ridiculousness.

[@GlobalCitizen55]

I was wondering the same thing. Very confusing.

[@Brynzapoppin]

I would skip asking him if he wants to if you're just going to ignore and negate his answer. Or at least acknowledge his no and say you're doing it anyway.

[@rachel3682]

It's time to grow up and act like an adult. The type of parent that wants to parent other people's kids because you don't like the way it's being done😂. You got to raise your kids focus on that.

[@rachel3682]

You literally got to raise your kids you need to focus on that. And not be butthurt about wanting to parent other people's kids. 😂 The type of parent that wants to parent other kids cuz they don't like the way it's being done. It never ends

[@emmanarotzky6565]

Yep. Don’t phrase it as a question unless you’re willing to hear the answer. The kid didn’t get all that upset until she asked “did you do the dishes?” And when he signed “more” she pretended that he said “yes”(yes, I did the dishes) instead of “more”(I want to do it more). He was mad because she didn’t understand what he said, or at least she pretended to not understand what he said. This is the whole reason we teach hearing kids sign language, so they can communicate early and not get upset by people not understanding them! “You want to do more? Ok, how about this” (show him the bath with the toys). Or even “I know you want to do more, but (reason you can’t do more). Let’s find something else to do!”

[@emmanarotzky6565]

@@rachel3682Kids don’t belong to anybody, they’re people. All functioning members of society can and should have an opinion about how they’re being raised. “Other people’s kids” doesn’t mean anything, they’re just kids. If I decided I wanted to let my kid drive a car at the age of 5, never teach them how to read, and tell them that it’s normal to bite people as a greeting, other people would (rightly) tell me no. It’s not to show off, it’s to support each other and make sure that the next generation is as healthy and intelligent as they can be. It’s the same with animals. If I didn’t know that dogs can’t have chocolate and you saw me trying to offer my dog a chocolate bar, you would tell me no. You wouldn’t be judging me or trying to one-up me, you’d be trying to help me learn and trying to help my dog not get poisoned by my lack of knowledge. I would be crazy if I responded by saying “don’t tell me what to feed MY dog, go feed YOUR OWN dog.” It doesn’t matter whose dog it is, the point is that it’s a dog!

[@Ari_C]

yeah, that was my one concern with the interaction. it can be incredibly frustrating and stressful to be asked something as though there was actually a choice only for your answer to be completely disregarded if it wasn't the correct one.

[@kitkatplus1199]

This is fantastic! But when you asked “do you want to take a bath?”, I’m wondering if that was confusing or frustrating since it wasn’t actually a choice. I can imagine how I would feel if someone asked me if I wanted to do something, I told them no, and then they said “yes”. That where you could maybe say “you can choose 2 toys to put in the bath” or something to that effect. Since that’s something he actually does have control over!

[@Katz_Pajamas]

I thought the exact same thing! Presenting toy choices is a good idea! To motivate him to want to do it and feel like he made an independent decision. As far as asking if he wants a bath, if it truly wasn't going to be a choice, then I don't think it should've been presented as one. Bcuz it does seem like it would just invalidate him to enthusiastically ask if he wants the bath and then just completely ignore that he says no. Instead of asking him, it's better to just say nicely that it's bath time and he can "wash dishes" in the bath and bring a cup he can wash in there or choose a toy as you suggested.

[@Ari_C]

that is definitely something that was a great source of frustration for me growing up(phrasing a non-negotiable demand as though there was a choice)

[@kitkatplus1199]

@@Katz_Pajamas omg in this exact scenario the washing dishes in the bath would’ve been an absolutely top notch idea! 💡

[@STELLANOELLA]

@kitkatplus1199 this was exactly my point when I commented. That part is ridiculous and condescending and I hope she stops that bs before he realizes how condescending she's being. You can't ask a yes or no question then when the baby makes a choice you just say the opposite back. It's gross and not gentle at all.

[@kitkatplus1199]

@@STELLANOELLA we’re all learning and it’s so easy to get caught in cycles of what we saw growing up. There’s plenty of things I was doing poorly with the kids I cared for that I didn’t even realize until it was pointed out to me. She’s already doing wonderfully, but hopefully she will be able to strengthen her parenting even more through this.

[@lordoreocat]

“No? You thought you had a choice?”

[@Adindapinda]

Whats the point in asking him if his answers are not listened to anyway?

[@cc_snipergirl]

Guidance. Good guidance is asking questions and not just giving commands

[@kaden587]

This kind of parenting make me want to cry

[@jeanninemurray6539]

Another mother in a Mom's group I grequented suggested agreeing with the toddler who wanted to do or have something which was impractical at the moment. She told me to "give it to them in a wish re-direct to a new sctivity. Example: my young son doesnt want to leave the playground. I say, "I wish I could let you stay here as long as you want! You could swing some more and go on the slide! But we have to get home and make dinner. Will you help me tear salad leaves? You do a good job st that.". My memory is that acknowledgement of what they wanted in theoment, then redirecting to a future activity was effective 75% of the time. So IMO worth the extra effort.

[@fyezzairshad2071]

I would say that's the best approach

[@CarleyGoshaw28]

I like that you sign “Finished” to also show him you’re all done. ASL is so important 🤟🏼

[@beats4u2]

So ignore ignore ignore….sounds supportive.

[@2ctheocean]

Don't ask him yes or no answers or give him choices if you aren't going to listen. Smiling in his face like that shows him you don't care that he's frustrated. That's not empathy.

[@spleenog]

Exactly. It's like how to parent like a psychopath 101.

[@ennvee1989]

​@@spleenog😂😂😂

[@cc2020-d4w]

Sorry, you guys are wrong!!! Her giving him choices is to allow him the opportunity to feel like he's taking part & ownership of decision making even though his choice is "no". That's called "redirecting" which is a HUGE part of parenting & teaching! And her smiling is just as crucial since it's providing her little one with a visual reassurance that she's not upset with him & this is just what he needs to do now & she loves him & is looking forward to his next fun bonding activity (bath time). She does a fabulous job with these kids!

[@miyubeilschmidt5351]

i tend to not ask questions like "so we're gonna do XYZ, okay?" bc it makes it sound like the kid has an option when therr actually isnt one :)

[@trishgels]

Exactly. It's not up to the child to determine what's in his or her best interests - that's the parents' job. Also, life decisions as an adult are enveloped by laws & societal standards where every action & decision is not up for debate, or influenced by personal feelings. The goal isn't to be like a babysitter or friend, but to be the parent who sets the rules, & who has an obedient, confident child. Choices for everything switches the power dynamic to a debate rather than simply doing as you're told. The world won't bend to their whims, so this is setting them up for disappointments later.

[@trishgels]

Also, open-ended requests are far different than directions. You don't say, "Would you like to clean your room, or take a bath?" The child shouldn't decide. Instead, try saying, "Go clean your room, & then Mommy will give you your bath." Also, never follow a direction w/the word, "OK?" Kids crave consistency, rules, & structure. Having everything designed as choices won't do any favors later on.

[@miyubeilschmidt5351]

@@trishgels i dont think a child shouöd ne obedient. its important a child understands why it should do certain things, blind obedience isnt good for anyone. also, a kid can and should absolutely be allowed to decide. it helps them be more independent later because the learn that they can influence their own life.but if theres not an option and a task HAS to be done (e.g. hygiene) the kid has to understand that its not optional

[@sophiaboyd-uo2vz]

Something to add to a great demonstration is rather than reframing in the form of "yes" when he says "no" is when he says "no" say "I know you don't want to, but we are going to do it anyway". You are acknowledging his no without giving it power. You can always explain why you are doing the thing and can follow up with distractions and collaboration on making the thing more enjoyable, but make sure to acknowledge his words, even if you don't agree with them! If a child feels like their "no's" are not being heard or listened to, they'll stop saying it. That sounds like a great thing with a difficult toddler, but they need to have the confidence to tell other adults and children no. Acknowledging their words also encourages them to tell you when they feel like someone isn't listening to their "no". A great collaboration in this situation is, "you wanna keep washing dishes? We're all done in the sink, but you can help me wash your toys in the bathtub!" Kiddo gets to keep washing, but in your terms, not theirs.

[@cheshiregames16]

I feel like continuing to talk about the dishes after taking him away from the sink didn’t help and redirecting his attention immediately after taking him away from the dishes would’ve avoided him getting upset

[@christinab9808]

His sign language for ‘more more’ is so precious 🥹

[@SJBeck-yd1zt]

Personally, I don't like asking a toddler. He says no and you say yes... I don't like that method either. I would prefer saying "I understand you don't want to, but I need/wish/think... let me help you." But still, I love her attitude, her kindness and especially the PATIENCE! ❤

[@b3ttyb3tt]

I do agree that asking the questions she is asking when she knows their answer and saying yes anyway, makes it feel like she’s disregarding what they’re saying (even though I know what she’s doing). But I do really like how she knows what they liked about doing the dishes and found a fun compromise (while being productive!). She understands her children, and I think that’s the important part :)

[@b3ttyb3tt]

But after rewatching I realized that her toddler ended up saying “yeah” by the end of the video! So maybe (as I said before) she understands her kids so much so that she knows asking those questions on purpose and directing them to say yes is actually what they needed! I love her channel and I learn so much from them. And I have no doubt she understands her children more than me haha

[@sbaker9289]

@Claire.LouiseWis their problem not more about responding to the no with a yes, rather than never being allowed to say no?

[@user-ry6jj6kx2s]

​@@b3ttyb3tt pushing someone until they change their no to a yes because you think you know them better is ignoring consent. It's a dangerous way to raise children because they could grow up unable to say no, or think it's okay to ignore other people saying no.

[@briannas18473]

Toddlers will say no just to say no, majority of the time they don’t mean it they just don’t know how to say what they do want. Hence why at the end he said yes and was having fun in the bath

[@jasf6850]

I like the technique to give them choices when they don’t want to do something. When my kid don’t want to go in the bath, I asked her they want the bath or the shower! Generally, they won’t say just « no » after a question like that. Don’t want to eat? You want the blue or the green plate for your dinner? Don’t want to dress up? The yellow or the red shirt? Etc. 😊 It make life so easier 🥰

[@AlexEs63]

🥹 River is the sweetest with signing & trying to reason with Mom. His protest complaints have got to be the cutest; she shows it's safe to share disappointment & guides him beautifully. ❤ Thank you

[@thefireflyy]

Why are all her videos of reprimanding her children and the children crying? How is the camera always set up to record these moments?

[@ashleybrown3672]

This mom’s interactions with her children teach me a lot and are so effective, yet heartwarming❤

[@amya9597]

Our pediatrician always told us, “Don’t ask an open ended question unless you’re ready for the response.” Example: Don’t say, “Do you want a bath?” (You may get a “no.”) Instead say, “It’s time for a bath.”

[@Shelb13v]

Yeah but that implies the parent is in charge and that doesn't really fly with modern parenting letting the kids rule over their parents 😅

[@LeisaLeisa-v6s]

I appreciate what Mom is doing here yet find it so frustrating simultaneously. God bless her. She has such patience.

[@LydellAaron]

You didn't listen to him one bit! I saw steamrolling over his exploration and discovery. Overwhelming him with "washing dishes" and happy sounds didn't listen to him. Redo it again and let him explore without you telling him what he's doing. Literally let him show you what he's doing for a minute and relax and observe his intelligence and way of interacting with the world. His cry was because you didn't receive what he's trying to say. I also have a toddler and I'm going through these development phases, handling then differently of course. So I'm very interested and acutely engaged. He was ok by the bath, because of their short attention spans but he still remembers the other events when they come back as triggers.

[@alienatedd]

thank you for saying this!!!! im so glad this lady isnt my mom. she seems like she just wants to get praise online and set this entire thing up with an overwhelmed toddler to show what a “good” parent she is when in reality she is just ignoring needs and being cruel.

[@LydellAaron]

@@alienatedd yes, it was hard to watch. I'm working to do things differently than our generation, when it comes to parenting. Good luck to you too with future or present parenting.

[@lagoya]

I wouldn’t stop to discuss after getting away from the sink. That just gives him the impression there’s a possibility of negotiation. Hence the renewed crying when his request for “more” was denied. Instead this is a situation that calls for confident momentum toward the next task imo

[@katvelyte]

"no :(" "yeah :)" is sending me lmao, doing that to an adult would be so frustrating but hes just a little guy who needs a bath

[@ana-maria448]

This baby is adorable. I like watching videos of him. He is so cute and clever.

[@Janieandtheboys17]

What’s the point of asking him if you’re just going to dismiss his answer anyway?

[@tobydandelion]

I love that the other activity you redirected to involved the sensory aspects it seemed like he was enjoying, playing with objects in water. Wonderful!

[@Qtzzzip]

Awe! Poor thing! He can wash my dishes! 😂❤

[@Freedomfred25]

Remember gentle parenting still involves a stern voice. Not yelling or angry but serious.

[@jencru1351]

I have to agree with other commenters here, this seems to be classic case of misunderstanding what gentle parenting is (no hate here, just think it's important to clear up some misinformation and maybe have you reflect on it as well- this is how we all learn throughout our parenting processe)... you are absolutely BEING and REACTING in a kind a gentle manner. however you are still in that process ignoring his actual communication by trying to redirect and also convincing him of your choice. For his future needs I feel it's important that you acknowledge that you ate both at an impass, accepting his "no" and understanding his frustration (as you did partially) and communicating that you hear him and what he wants but have to decide otherwise even though it will make him him unhappy ("Yes, I see you want to play more! we have to go take a bath now. you can play more tomorrow/take some bowls into the bath with you.") this was a bad example, as - even though he communicated very well with you, you didn't actually acknowledge what he was clearly telling you, which in the future may make it confusing for him to know if he is being taken seriously.

[@begreat1542]

Im so happy to see babies knowing and learning sign language

[@beealexanders2450]

SHE JUST DIDN'T WANT HIM BY THE SINK MESSING AROUND ❤

[@maxe159]

He just wants to be able to say no, it doesn’t mean he actually wants to not do what you say

[@connie1249]

I love that people criticizing this lady, when we know full well that if we refused to do something as kids we’d just get smacked lmao

[@carolinelewis9615]

I think you're great! I also think with some children they need to finish at their own pace if possible as they are processing their own personal thoughts and when suddenly interrupted it effects their individual flow.

[@edgegymnastics8409]

Kids can’t set their own limits or schedule at that age.

[@Thealgorithm-k4x]

This is why she did the rediness check. She warned him, gave him a few more dishes, and some time to process that it was time to move on. Thats all you can do when you have to stop them.

[@emmanarotzky6565]

@@edgegymnastics8409Yes they can, and they do all the time. They have a certain speed at which they can transition between activities, they have limits as to how long they can stay awake, they have body cues telling them when it’s time to eat, etc.

[@MissyWebb12]

Yeah... except.. theres daycare and rules.. so​@@emmanarotzky6565

[@catherinemccright1256]

​@@emmanarotzky6565dude are you literally going to let your kid do whatever they want whenever they want for however long they want?? Has a schedule and tons of other kids to take care of and a bunch of other crap to probably do stop that I have a house with multiples. I have four kids under the age of six think I have time to allow someone to do a task that needs supervision to take. As long as they need to do it every single time it's not possible. Think man

[@joshualoyal7222]

Fantastic mother!

[@ashlee2142]

He’s such a good boy, having fun washing dishes. I used to love washing dishes when I was young, or maybe playing in the water. Love watching how amazing of a mother she is.

[@christina2119]

U are a Saint, Mama😊 I admire you💐💐💐

[@lililive1092]

Usually people cry because they have dishes to do not the other way around 😂

[@koljava]

This just feels like "Yes you're gonna do as I want, but I make it out as if it's your own choice and completely ignore your 'no'. " The kid doesn't want to, period. And its okay the kid doesn't want to, he's a kid after all! Gentle parent him into understanding _why_ he stops washing the dishes despite him not wanting to. All he gets from this is "I do this because I'm forced to, Mom says so, talks over me and I don't like this". Especially in a few years when he's a little older and understands more. Don't ask him yes/no questions while completely disregarding how he answers. Either give him an actual choice or make decisions for his best interests in a way he can understand and accept them.

[@sagesufferswell]

I'm glad he likes washing dishes. I do too. You're so patiently firm and it's beautiful. Thank you for sharing your content.

[@mala890]

He knows exactly what you're doing.

[@clairecooper8568]

Thank you for not letting him do whatever he wants all the time, and actually guiding and teaching him. The world needs more parents like you

[@moths.for.valentine]

she's literally just ignoring him

[@calypselle2254]

@@moths.for.valentineno she’s not. she’s recognizing and acknowledging what he’s asking for but firmly telling him no and redirecting to something similar to what he wants (the bath) but purposeful.

[@Kenny-sc1ey]

​@@moths.for.valentine thank you! i felt so gaslit watching this video 💀 i literally just had to sit there for a moment lmao

[@briannas18473]

@@moths.for.valentinehow is she ignoring him? She’s trying to redirect his emotions. You can even hear him agree with her at the end. He only kept saying no because he doesn’t know how to use his words to tell her what he actually wanted which was playing in water, hence why she had him play in the bath after

[@moths.for.valentine]

@@briannas18473 don't bother asking a child something if you're just going to do what you want

[@evilannie8884]

ok. this made me remind myself im doing good. im doing good as a mom... its not the meltdowns, theyll happen. its redirecting them that matters...

[@Victoria-wg7jb]

I needed this very badly Alhamdulillah. Thank you very much

[@wiseforce7045]

In my humble opinion as I took some child psychology and dealt with a very troublesome child I realize that the little boy saw more dishes that he felt he needed to be done to "complete the task" these moments could be critical for future.

[@boring_elderly_millenial]

"Wow, I thought ai was communicating with my mom but all my 'no's seem to sound like 'yes' to her."

[@stitches318]

I was thinking that too. I would have said, "I know you don't want to stop washing the dishes, but it's bath time now.' She just grins and says yes in this really dopey voice it's weird

[@APRzz]

Great job. We used the “more” signal and “all done”with my two babies/toddlers. It helped a lot with communication. It Saved us from the just whining and crying to get their point across. ❤

[@poppy5328]

that was so funny seeing her kindly gaslight him into having a bath. good parenting

[@viennajordan9279]

That's not what gaslighting means at all

[@jocelyn248]

You need to look up the definition and examples of what gaslighting is please. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but people love to overuse that word and it’s not always their fault.

[@QueenOfEvilness]

@@viennajordan9279 Yes.. it is. I know you want to do more dishes, but I'm going to manipulate the situation so you do what I say, when I say it, I don't want to hear no, I want to hear yes. Things like this could be done differently, I get where she's coming from, but at the same time, the child wanted to continue helping and do the dishes, let him. don't manipulate so much that he gets that upset. Again redirect NO if it comes from a bad place, not good.

[@viennajordan9279]

@@QueenOfEvilness The definition of gaslighting: "Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition." I don't think gently redirecting a toddler counts as psychological abuse intended to make the child question their own sanity.

[@malus.1875]

​@@viennajordan9279 hearing a NO for an a answer one asked for and then replacing it with a YES is not gentle redirectioning at all. Sounds like the base of the gaslighting definition for sure

[@grettamaeB]

He's a helpful boy ❤

[@HannahGregs]

Balls in bath fix everything! Love the positive and kind redirection. Question: do you think he was saying “no” because he genuinely wanted to keep washing dishes or because he’s in his no era and just into the word/act of not listening right now?

[@soni3088]

I feel so good watching your shorts, how simple and easy-going mom you are! I am in awe of your gentle parenting! So much learning from you.. cheers to you girl👍

[@YG-ib6wf]

Whenever i ask you about your opinion, i actually dont care what you have ro say, as i will tell you how you feel and what you want. Do you understand? - No - yes

[@VetTechxoxo]

You could try making it his choice, like "do you want to be done now? Or do you want to wash two more?" Then after the two set the boundary that he is done.

[@amandaroselalagos5429]

Awww ❤ that “NO” phase is always a wild card 😅

[@confidence.is.silent]

I love how you react to his feelings!! I’m an infant daycare worker from Germany. A little tip that may be helpful when they reply no to a thing that is required or has to be done or prohibited is to not ask “okay?” At the end of your sentence. Appear confident and make it a clear statement to signal the child that your statement is mandatory. Often times children will cooperate more like this!

[@hellothere3097]

If you want to give your child a choice, at least always give real choices! If you ask him if he wants to take a bath and he says no and you ask want to? And he says no! and you react with yeeeaaah... 😅 That will not work in the long run. If you continue doing this he will eventually internilize that his needs and wants don't matter. Imagine what kind of adult he will become. A miserable one.

[@alienatedd]

thank you for saying this! truth!

[@venusretrograde6177]

Being a good parent truly takes an incredible amount of patience but it is 100% with it! Great job 😊

[@beealexanders2450]

LETS SEE HOW MUCH THIS WORKED WHEN THEY GROW UP ❤

[@quillfell496]

I love this but never ask my toddler a question she can say no to. So instead of “wanna go to the bath? yeah. Let’s go!” It’s just “it’s time for the bath!” I worry that if I ask questions and then go against their reply they won’t be honest

[@jcimlas210]

I like to say “that was fun, but now it’s done”

[@olesjaisaak2743]

He wants to wash the dishes! Why dont you let him? He will wash and play with it for an hour or little less. He would be the happiest boy in your street and he would do new and important experiences, he needs so badly. And you could enjoy your peace, because he is busy washing the dishes. In the end its not gonna help to tell him, how great he washed the dishes. He is frustrated. It wasnt great for him. He wanted to continue but you interrupted a special process. I keep to a expression from a therapist; "only say "no" in case your child is gonna hurt himself or others with the activity. In this case he was peacefully enjoying washing dishes. Why would you not let him until he decides himself, that he is done? What a beautiful experience it would be for him. God bless this boy. Let him survive this toxic motherhood and keep his mental health.

[@kenzus96]

Shoutout to the moms who teach real gentle parenting without shoving a camera in their kids face for money

[@jadedixon3641]

Drives me nuts to be told what I want. If a kid can't have something, just say so, don't tell them they don't want it. When I was about 6, I went to a Mexican restaurant with my dad and his girlfriend. I saw people carrying margaritas around, and they looked really cool. I said I wanted one, and the response from my dad's girlfriend was, "No, you don't want one." At the bare minimum, just say the child can't have one. Or if you really want to strain yourself to acknowledge the little human you're responsible for, explain that there is alcohol in them and that is for grown ups and you can have one when you're 21. But don't tell me what I want and totally invalidate my thoughts and feelings. Now, if you really want to spoil the 6 year old, ask for a virgin margarita and share it with the kid. I was sooooo pissed when I was in my teens to find out that you could get those cool looking drinks and not have alcohol in them and not have to wait until 21. And certain people in my life wonder why I dont trust or respect them as an adult, lol! Of course, I got a strawberry margarita as soon as I found out I could get one without alcohol, lol!

[@donnadonaldson9671]

His little hands doing the sign for more just melted my heart. Precious 💕💕

[@meganjohnson9540]

Good job, mom. Smooches for both of you! Yay!!❤

[@beealexanders2450]

I WOULD HAVE LET HIM KEEP WASHING THEM IF HE WANTED TOO WHY MAKE THEM CRY I THINK PARENTS JUST WANT TO SHOW THIER POWER OVER A CHILD LIKE NO YOUR DONE WHEN I SAY YOUR DONE!!!!!! ❤❤

[@Ineedtospeakabout]

You're a fantastic, patient and loving mother (parent) So many could learn from you, I have so much respect for you. Lazy parenting can appear easy, but it takes real work and patience to raise children properly like this 💕

[@nickymehta1138]

Bless him, every no was not valid, heard, or acknowledged. His future wife will love a yes man!

[@RiverasEstate]

You do understand babies have a “No phase” his mom knows him well enough to know he doesn’t actually mean no. You could’ve asked him to keep washing dishes and he will say no, and more at the same time 😂 his mom knows he likes playing in the bath that’s why she’s teaching to say yes to the things he does like and she knows he does like and he would probably ask for more. Positive redirection!

[@boring_elderly_millenial]

All I could think is that this is how you teach a child that there is no point advocating for themselves or disagreeing. Which sucks when it comes to doctors, employers, and future partners. Or when an adult wants to assualt them, or, as a teen or adult, when a date or aquintance wants physical activities that they aren't okay with. Sure, mom is in charge, but instead of asking if he wants to take the bath, she could just say "it's bathtime and it will be so much fun. I know you don't want to take a bath now, but you can pick out some bath toys to play with!" You can acknowledge the disappointment but also kindly let them know when something isn't optional.

[@kellychapman8095]

I so agree with the future wife comment it's spot on!!!!!

[@Tania_78]

​​@@RiverasEstate He definitely meant "No". He obviously DID want to keep washing dishes, or he wouldn't have cried when he had to stop & signed "More". You don't know that he would have said "No" if asked if he wanted to keep washing dishes. & he did not want to take a bath. So, yes, he most definitely meant no when he said it in this vid.

[@trishgels]

​@@boring_elderly_millenialExactly. You don't have to get ugly to be stern, & not everything s/b a negotiation. Kids who are given too many choices end up arguing w/other adults later on bc they expect their feelings to matter more than the directions & tasks they're given.

[@urbanexplorer6783]

This is teaching him to not take no seriously and you're rewarding his crying. Toddlers will cry for attention and to get out of trouble. Everyone appreciates your kindness but you need strict boundaries. This 5+ minute interaction should've taken 30 seconds.

[@caesa4616]

Sometimes i am sceptical if the videos of some creators would be like that if the camera is off. Im pretty sure this is the case here. The only thing i dont like: you show your kids on the internet. Besides that its great rolemodeling for parents.

[@Honey_Sweets]

I immediately recognized the sign language and made me cry a little bit Growing up, that's exactly how my family communicated with each other (we are nowhere near fluent, but if we couldn't speak, we used basic sign) It reminded me of some good memories Thank you

[@gretezobin9244]

But what do you do when they are screaming so loud they can’t hear one bit of your calm voice…

[@sophieszabo1771]

Sometimes you gotta let them get some steam out. De-escalate if caught earlier by acknowledging what they wanted, for instance here "I see you wanted more -kiddo communicated that with sign and verbal cues- but we are done washing dishes - hold a clear, firm boundary. Some days go better, not need to expect perfect all the time.

[@christinaehamparam1821]

They are young and don’t tell her how to parent her kids.

[@christinaehamparam1821]

@@sophieszabo1771 They are young and don’t tell her how to parent her kids.

[@sophieszabo1771]

@@christinaehamparam1821 do you have an answer to the question being asked? Say that of you have one.

[@christinaehamparam1821]

@@sophieszabo1771 I don’t know what you’re trying to get out of this so tell me what you’re trying to say.

[@SliverShadow-c5w]

I love the sign language!! It's adorable and amazing to see that some people are actually using it in their lives, that is amazing

[@Elizabeth-m9h]

l like the sign language! it makes it so much easier to understand and to communicate with the littles ones.

[@CHinman-w4v]

Beautifully Patient Mom ❤

[@caterinas6863]

Gaslighting.

[@thepaintedpoppies1010]

He is so precious! What a good mommy.

[@stillwatersfarm8499]

Don’t pretend to give him a choice when he doesn’t have one.

[@Azumgi8]

Why hold him in place and giving him the death stare? It always makes him cry

[@mariaanast276]

I wish I liked washing dishes as much