First Line Frenzy™ #11: An Editor Reviews Your Opening Line

[@bkjackson8092]

Thank you SO MUCH for doing First Line Frenzy. I learn so much by watching these recordings and it's so fascinating because sometimes I'm in agreement with the editor's assessment and sometimes not. But often that's simply because I'm very picky about my genres--so genres that grab the attention of others make me yawn and move on. But when you think about it, that's a complement to the writer of a submitted first line. If someone watches First Line Frenzy, and they decide they wouldn't read on because the first line sounds like "X genre" - that's a compliment to the writer because they have given the reader a clear signal of the intended genre and those who like that genre will have found the right book. The other thing I thought was interesting about this First Line Frenzy is that in a few cases, the first line feels contrived--yet it works and makes the reader curious. And that just reaffirms to me the importance of getting feedback from more than one person on your work because at the end of the day, critiques are subjective so multiple inputs are a great help in assessing your own writing. Look forward to the next First Line Frenzy whenever that is! Thank you!

[@Avionne_Parris]

It might be interesting to have viewers give initial comment reactions before Rebecca does for the first 3 submissions (a whole livestream might take too long). That way we can see if viewers have learned from watching so many Reedsy First Line Frenzy livestreams :-) Or maybe I'm just dying to call somebody's first line a "fact cake", a "nothing burger" or "putting lipstick on a pig". Love this channel :P

[@MrK.A]

I really enjoy this series of first lines.

[@WritingDialogue]

I am so amazed by Rebecca's effortless knowledge! Love these videos.

[@ThreadBomb]

Video starts at 9:37

[@ThreadBomb]

"The residents of 224 Collinwood ... " is a good opening sentence! It instantly creates intrigue because it makes you wonder what sets these people apart from the community they live in. "The carriage peeled slowly apart ... " I can't visualise that at all. I suspect incorrect use of the word "peel", which is a verb meaning to remove the outer layer. "The smell of apples was all Clia had lived with for three days." Confusing. What does "lived with" mean here? If the sentence is referring to food intake, then it should be "lived on". "Did Pandora ... " is a good opening sentence, because it tells us that the protagonist is facing a difficult decision with grave consequences, in a way that touches on philosophy and classical myth. "Waffle and hem and haw" is a good phrase because it is rhythmic and because it embodies the delaying that the protagonist is doing. "Lying on the medical exam table convulsing" is overwritten; if you're convulsing on the table you're obviously lying on it. "He saw her for the first time ... " People don't squeeze hand grenades to see when they'll go off. "Sometimes you just have to leave the dead bodies ... " I agree it's a good sentence, but disagree on the reasons for praise: "It's casual, and creates intimacy between the narrator and the reader right away" - few things make my skin crawl more that the writer trying to buddy up to me. Being casual doesn't automatically make someone likeable. The sentence works because it's succinct, neatly constructed, creates intrigue, and displays the protagonist's attitude. "Brookes Gentleman's club ... " I agree has problems (misuse of "privy", awkward phrase "different aged men", anachronistic "significant other") but the semicolon is fine. It doesn't have to join "complete sentences", just related ideas. It's often used in lists. "Whenever La Bonne Fortune sails ..." I think harbors are IN the Gulf of Mexico, not ON. "Speculate about her name" is imprecise, and suggests people are wondering what the name of the boat is. Better to say "speculate on the origin of her name". "Forks clinking against plates ..." The word "ricochet" implies great speed, but how can the sound move so quickly when the silence it moves through is "thick"? This metaphor needs work. But the sentence construction is fine. It's unconventional but perfectly clear. There's no point accusing a sentence of leaving out information, when the information might well be provided in the next sentence.

[@dcle944]

Emily Halloway loved Washington, D.C. for what it was: a busy city where a busy person could appear and disappear at will into the crowds.

[@YoannaNovakova]

So... Am I the only one who wants Rebecca's foolproof waffles and pancake recipes?! 😁😅

[@DreamDetective]

Me too I want it.

[@makennazornes]

Oh my goodness, that’s so sweet that your daughter is named Charlotte but was almost Miriam. My daughter is named Miriam, and her cousin’s name is Charlotte. 😄

[@hugues7303]

Hello from Boston, Massachusetts

[@michaeldeangray]

"The secret to Miriam's vegan chili was the beef stock." I will say, as a vegan myself, I'm still laughing at that line, several minutes later. Gold star.

[@joshfarrow9707]

you can definitely use "i have been oberdosed", as it refers to have been giving a hotshot. A hotshot is a intentional overdose of horin. So this could be used as reference to more general hotshot.

[@timothychapman9787]

Upon the day of his graduation from an Academy of Economic Warfare the sunshine touched Silvan, but he had little time for it.

[@KathrynFaye007]

It sounds like only one YA line was critiqued. I would've loved to see a wider selection of genre used. Still, it was a great session. Thank you. 😊

[@jmwvirgil]

You could avoid the problem of repeat lines by having people re-submit and discarding the old list. People would be far more likely to see their own line that way also.

[@Reedsy]

We do exactly that. People keep resubmitting the same first lines, it seems.

[@KevinPeoples-fh8dn]

Becca: I really appreciate your feedback for my first line of What Emily Wants! I'm still working on story-level edits, but I will definitely refine that first line when I get back around to line-edits. Thank you so much! Also, unless I totally misread it, I really liked your little nod of approval at the title. :)

[@dianamanley9990]

Doesn't everyone check lemons by squeezing them? Or am I the weird one out?

[@marcb.cardlab6750]

Greetings from a displaced Bostonian now living in the South. It was hard to pay attention to your critiques as i couldn't help staring out of your windows, enamored with the snow! So I replayed the episode, lol. These FLF episodes are so incredibly helpful to me. Thank you.

[@sew.sumalee]

I believe it's actually Becca's white fence :)

[@marcb.cardlab6750]

@Sumalee Eaton Well, now that's just embarrassing! I appreciate it, though.

[@Reedsy]

@@sew.sumalee In this case... I think it actually it was snow in Boston!

[@FromAnonymouse]

Yes, I second previous comments: more YA please!

[@skj9163]

I would get rid of the sip. A sip doesn't usually have enough volume to come back up, definitely not out the nose.

[@AbsolutelyNerdy]

13:59 touché

[@dgd4501]

Thank you from Australia. Would it be possible to take first sentences from a wider range of subjects next time? I understand some genres have a greater representation.

[@TKHaines]

And did you bring any waffle recipes to share with the whole class? (fingers crossed)

[@erinforget3273]

Next time it would be great if you shared some examples of using dialogue in the opening sentence. In an hour I found it odd that not one dialogue example made an appearance.

[@tamarleahh.2150]

Because usually she recommends against it

[@joshfarrow9707]

I think she should have dialogue within the first lines so that one could learn how it could be used. The point of those is to teach.

[@dobanator4501]

Cause they say don't use dialogue.

[@monifelton5613]

Monique from Dallas

[@tiongenakazwe]

I missed it😭

[@purpleghost106]

Mmm, I feel like Becca perhaps has a bit too much skepticism about simultaneous sensations. Convulsions are a category of symptom that has a range of severity, full body muscle spasms but not all alike in how they mentally affect you. Also, this is a memoire, can't just go doubting their experience. My sister who has seizures is unpleasantly aware but unable to control her body, she has told me that's what makes them terrifying. I don't doubt the person who was observing while convulsing. I've read enough accounts which say similar things, people's brains and bodies don't always align on the overwhelm scale.

[@pp2004merritt]

From British Columbia😢