Reflecting on 2019

I just returned from Ireland and thought it would be a nice time to reflect on 2019 and see if I can leave some of the bad stuff in the past.

[@awwstin3715]

Working with you on this channel and becoming a better friend with you over the year and been an absolute delight. Seriously. You've been a part of my daily routine, watching your videos and streams, and everything since like... middle school? I'm an adult now and making videos on the internet after following you in your footsteps. I owe a great deal of my career, sense of humor, and morals to you. I don't really know how to thank you for that. But I do thank you. I know 2019 was a very tough year for you, but I'm so glad you got to cap it off in Ireland with Lin and welcome the new decade with some brightness. Here's hoping for many more years of that brightness.

[@diplogg6782]

Hey man, you may not remember me but a while back you raided me while I was playing isaac at 2 in the morning and still to this day it's the most viewers I've ever had. Still thankful for that, appreciate it man!

[@1991StephenH]

I miss you being involved in the nlss crew. I definitely see what you mean by the comedy moving in a different direction. However I still think there is room for your personality. Dare I say that a quieter more intellectual angle is missing from that content. I know you feel that you are too far removed and it is too awkward to jump back in. If/when you're ready, I genuinely believe that you would receive a warm welcome back to the nlss and related streams. Your solo content is different but also entertaining. You playing through games you enjoy in 15-20 minute parts is very attractive to watch for me personally. I miss you being active on KZbin. When you feel up, please know that you can build this back up. You have a very loyal fan base. I suffer from a lot of the same problems mentally as you (or similar, I don't want to assume I know what's happening in your mind) and I isolate myself from the people I have relationships with. I know what it's like to look up and realize that no one really wants to check in with you other than your few key people. I hope you can rebuild the friendships with your previous online friends. All it takes is a message. Sometimes you have to put aside a value you believe in passionately just to keep that friendship going. You can rebuild all of these things nick. I really appreciate you telling us what is happening in terms of your absence in these communities. The reason why people ask you about it is because you left a gap that only you could fill in these streams. Please know your value in that. When you're ready I really hope everyone gets along and tries again because we all want to see you fill that hole you left. Thank you for this update. My wife and I both agree that we feel unfinished and chaotic when thinking about how we miss you in the communities you used to play such a big part in. You are very talented and you have built so much with your online presence. Very inspiring as I'm bulidng my own KZbin channel now. One video so far and 16 views. I have a long way to go lol! Please don't give up man. Sorry for rambling. Thanks again!

[@scull0234]

Honestly depression tends to do that, you push your friends away and it sucks. It's also difficult to stop your brain from being like, okay, calm down a bit, not everyone hates you, you should need to remind yourself that but it's not always easy, I struggle with this daily. I've been watching Ryan since 2012, I've watched the NLSS since very early on, Nick is great, and if he came back, people would be happy, hate always happens as a streamer, but there's a lot of love too, I feel for Nick a lot

[@1991StephenH]

@@scull0234 I couldn't agree more. I'm glad you understood where I was coming from!

[@corzarguy]

I definitely group myself with this man, Nick you brought so much to the NLSS that you might not even realize, in fact when I think of the NLSS even to this day you were just as important as Ryan is to the show and in my mind, no one can change that. I feel I don't need to reiterate since everything I feel has already been said for me. So just know there are more of us who are keen to see you again no matter what it is you do, I truly do hope you find your way and are comfortable with where you will be at, whether that be back in the NLSS or paving a new way for yourself that I believe you are more than capable of doing. Big hearts from a fan

[@juliaslandfillofdreams]

id love to even just see jsmith, NL and Neck do a throwback stream. I love and miss the old days, and will cherish that time always.

[@Sagemel]

@@jpryan90 I'm fairly certain Ryan said recently that he has an open invitation to come back if/when he wants to, same thing with Sinvicta

[@williedavis9465]

In a more serious comment, I hope you're able to mend fences with your friends. While I would love to see you on the NLSS again, maybe it's not in the cards. Maybe see if they're just interested in squading up for a multiplayer indie game or two.

[@nekoschar6170]

I miss nick on the nlss a lot

[@dampersand]

I honestly don't know the specifics of why Nick left (other than what he just said in this video), but I've been hoping that Ryan's recent changes in content would somehow create an opening for the two of them to work together again, NLSS or otherwise.

[@nekoschar6170]

@@dampersand me either but hopefully they work out

[@pulse1001]

Baer, Malf and Josh were jerks to him. So was Cobalt, NL pretends he doesn't exist. He doesn't need to make up with them, they need to make up with him.

[@nazunaaaaaa]

@@pulse1001 You do know why their patience was short with Nick right? He would always air his dirty laundry on reddit or his twitch and didn't keep it private. He hated the direction the NLSS was taking because it was becoming more of a business, almost as if the other members were trying to grow their income for their families. If somehow everyone around you is a jerk, maybe you're the jerk?

[@Criispy___]

I'm normally a lurker, but i've been a fan of yours since 2013/14. Mostly as a viewer from the NLSS. I know I speak for a lot of people when I say this, I love you dude, and I miss you even more. I know what it feels like to have that constant thought on your mind "What if I do X and I get ridiculed for it. What if I say X and it doesn't go down well.", trying to ignore the thought but it always lingers in the back of your mind. It sucks. But you will get through it, I can tell the trip to Ireland really helped you. I hope that one day you can talk to Ryan and try and smooth things over, I hope you can end up talking with the rest of the guys again. I hope you end up picking days where you'll come on the show (even if it's only for a segment or two). The show has been a lot different without you. It's lost that special "Nick added quality" That we all loved. You're extremely awesome dude, no matter what you do, as long as it makes you happy, then do it. I'm also really happy you enjoyed Ireland! As a person who lives there (though not anywhere near Dublin), it makes me really happy knowing that one of my favourite people on this Platform loves it.

[@shpoz]

I second this, good to know I wasn't lurking alone

[@ArmagideonTime]

I third this. Been a fan since the NLSS Dark Souls 1 days. With or without them I still enjoy what you do. My 2019 was hard too but we find our own way to keep going. Keep going, man. And keep bringing joy as you do. 🌈

[@TeHPHoBoS999]

What exactly happened w/ the nlss? I noticed at one point that something big had happened and he wasn't on the show anymore, but I never heard what happened except that nobody was talking about it.

[@Arkouchie]

@@TeHPHoBoS999 This is my interpretation, take it with a grain of salt - From what I can tell, basically, nick just decided he didn't want to do it for a while, that he needed to focus on himself and his own twitch, and so he decided to take a break from the NLSS, but he didn't do it well, and basically left NL without saying why, which strained their relationship.

[@TeHPHoBoS999]

@@Arkouchie Ahh. It was pretty easy to tell after a point that he wasn't feeling very happy on the nlss, but I wasn't sure if it was just that or more.

[@mitchellboyce9853]

With regards to an Indie Impressions patreon: Ignore me if you know about this already, but I know that there's some way of setting it to get payments by output rather than by time, i.e. x dollars per video instead of y dollars per month. I don't know the details of how that would work, or if you would like that system better anyway, but I thought I'd share since I know I absolutely would pay for more Indie Impressions.

[@GPSC998]

Me too!

[@awwstin3715]

Hey ya'll btw, I'm the editor of some of the videos on this channel. We are going to have some videos up real soon. Let's start this new year right, yeah? Going to be working all night on thumbnails and videos for ya'll. Let's do this.

[@rockleesmile]

Did I send you footage already that I forgot about?

[@awwstin3715]

@@rockleesmile I still have Layers of Fear 2 and Devil May Cry that we didn't end up doing. We can start there and get Death Stranding out when you're able to upload that footage! Don't worry about any payment, I just want to help.

[@danjackson1016]

Layers of fear 2? Let's go!

[@satanicaa]

Hey thanks for your work and for the company, friend :)

[@pokefreakplays]

Dude so happy to see you working for Nick. We should definitely catch up sometime.

[@FluffyLagombi]

A lot of this really hit close to home. I was tearing up a bit throughout hearing someone echo some of the exact same things that I've been feeling for a long time. Thank you for talking about this.

[@AiSard]

re: the shift in NLSS humour. As a viewer I totally noticed a shift, which was why it was so devastating to see you leave when you did, as it felt like there was no longer a counterpoint to the direction the NLSS was going. Finding out about the personal/family issues made it understandable why you left when you did though. Do want to reiterate that it has always felt like you were a core contributing part to the NLSS. That the tone and humour was set primarily between you, Ryan, and to a lesser extent Josh (if only because he wasn't there as often) and was what made the NLSS special for me, and that I appreciate your part in that. Every one else only jived so well because they were riffing off of that core. Take care of yourself, and hopefully once you're in a better place, things will look better and the prospect of mending those relations won't look so daunting. While I still kinda low-key hope for a return to NLSS, but even if thats not in the cards, kinda hope you get to a point where you can mend those fences and just drop in for a game or two every now and then. But one day at a time. Take care dude.

[@RoGoCop97]

So happy to see you Nick!! Hoping for more on the channel in 2020 and beyond 🙂 lots of love from Canada! ❤️🇨🇦❤️

[@Lysving]

One of the few times notifications worked. Really liked your control series. As often as you feel like posting stuff, I'll watch it! Hope 2020 is a good time for y'all. I'm not going anywhere

[@hub7077]

Hi Nick. Long time lurker, watched you mostly through the NLSS since the very beginning (yep, all the way back to 2013, baby!). You said at the end you want to create better videos, but I think this is one of your best one to date. It's honest, forthright, respectful (of yourself and others), it acknowledges your own shortcomings (with lucidity), it shows you care about yourself, your friends (even if estranged) and your community. But most importantly, you talk openly about mental issues, helping to break the stigma surrounding those type of problems. It takes a really strong person to do all of those things, my friend. Wishing you all the best for 2020. Cheers!

[@bringmethanos420]

Just to be a voice in the crowd it’s good to hear from you and i hope the best for you in all you do! I’m normally a lurker but everyone appreciates hearing from you and I wanted to do my bit to show you how appreciated you are, thank you for the update and I’ll look forward to seeing more from you!

[@PositronPlays]

You continue to be one of the kindest and most genuine individuals I've had the pleasure of meeting. I'm glad you're able to talk about these things openly and that you were able to cap off 2019 with such an awesome trip. Lin seems like such a wonderfully supportive person and I'm glad you two found each other! Here's to a less stressful 2020!

[@dumb_fox]

you grew so much on me over the last years. i`ve been dealing with similar stuff and am super thankful to you for being open about your problems, it brings me some sort if comfort, I guess? gives me courage to speak up. thank you

[@better_vibes2268]

Thank you for posting this Nick, as someone who can't catch a lot of streams these days I was very glad to see this pop up on my feed and am very glad to see youre doing okay:) I hope you have a great 2020 and I hope I can catch one of your streams soon.

[@MrEbgreens]

Nick, your content has definitely helped me through some rough times, and I can’t thank you enough for it. I was extremely depressed in 2014, and watching the NLSS and your streams helped me feel a sense of community even though I was hardly seeing anyone else outside of my family who were also very troubled. I also remember your Mushroom 11 play through came at a time when my grandfather had passed away and it hit me and my family very hard, so just watching through that on KZbin sticks out in my brain as content from you I enjoy. You’ve always had such a unique outlook on things, and always find such interesting games that make me smile. Your presence has definitely been missed on the NLSS, and though this isn’t a cry for you to come back immediately, as I can only understand the situation so much, it’s just another way for me to say that your content is something I’ve enjoyed for some time now, and I hope that 2020 is an excellent year for you.

[@elianyaa]

Fan for what must be at least 7 or 8 years now? Always happy to see a new upload on the channel. Rooting for you Nick ♥️

[@Sarkahn]

Thanks for being so open about everything Nick, and really glad to see you're taking the steps you need to get better. You were such a huge part of the show for me. From your grounded analytical approach to games to your zany over the top bits (Goldman and Jellies are two of my most favorite moments on the show). You bring such a great and unique energy to it, you're sorely missed. I truly hope to see you on the NLSS again at some point, but if not I still look forward to your own content. Seeing you play through Death Stranding last year was a delight and I really looked forward to the Sunday Indie Sampler every week when you were doing it. I hope you can keep doing what you need to in order to take care of yourself and I look forward to seeing what's next!

[@tak4e4]

Good to see you Nick, I'm sorry you've had a tough year. Most people would be hardcore struggling under the stress of physical/mental health issues and family illness, those are all really tough things to deal with, even separately. It's truly no small feat and it takes a lot of strength to pull through that. I'm glad you have Lin around to support you and I wish you good health and happiness in the upcoming year :).

[@AmrSabbagh]

I genuinely really appreciate that you're talking about the anxiety and depression in the open. I know it may seem trivial but seeing that we're not alone going through this is worth a lot. we're not alone

[@mitchellboyce9853]

You mentioned that part of what made Indie Impressions work so well was that it was timely and daily, but I want to add to that that one thing I greatly appreciate about it (and about similar weird-games content from you) is that, on youtube, there's such a large body of it. I didn't know about this channel in the days when indie impressions were coming out, but once I found it I had a great time looking through this gigantic archive of under-reported indie games. For that reason I love seeing Nick's Weird Games vods get to youtube, because it means not only that I get to see the segments if I missed the stream, but also that others like me who might find the channel later on will have that much more of a chance to find something really special to them in your archives.

[@nicolaigd9137]

I'm not usually one to comment on a video, but this really made me realize how I've missed you! I appreciate you talking earnestly about everything. 2019 has been a rough one. Here's to a good start to the new decade

[@TheIcyBlade99]

Hey Nick, First off all, it's really good to hear from you! I think it is really brave of you to come forward with this video, talking about your state of being. I know from experience how unbelievably hard it is to share the full extend of the negative emotions that can plague the mind, and how that can be difficult on friendships or maintaining bonds. I'm 21 now and have not been deep in the NLSS crowd for a couple of years now. My interests kinda naturally grew away to other things, even though I do still sometimes come back to catch a VOD or watch an Isaac episode of Ryan's. But during my teenage years when I was a loner kid in middle school, who'd spent most of his day behind the computer, the NLSS was something I ALWAYS looked forward to. And Nick, you were a huge part in that life I lived. Back in the day (all the way when Dark Souls was the standard first hour), when it was you, Ryan & Josh - the triumvirate of goofballs (and the occasional cameo of MichaelALfox). You guys always made me laugh, through the good times and the bad. Even when I saw the NLSS growing bigger and more guest-hosts slowly becoming full-fledged members, none of them could capture the spirit that you had. To me, you always stood out; while the other co-hosts were (and still are) totally golden, you were like a diamond. I want to stress that what I just said is NOT meant as me trying/expecting to get you back on the show or me holding a grudge that you left. I completely understand where you're at in terms of not being able to come back. I said what I said, because I wanted you to know that I will ALWAYS cherish the memories of you on the show (and also your channel at the time). And even though I might not come back for a long while, I will always love you for the entertainment you've given me over so many years. (Of course, if you ever were to mend bonds and come back I would welcome you with open arms!) I obviously can't speak for everyone, but at the very least I can speak from my own heart. I wish you so much luck this year (and the years to come). I hope you find your strength, your energy, your place and your self-love. I don't know how far my words will reach you, because I know how hard it is to get genuine words of love & kindness like these through the thick haze of depression. I love you Nick, for everything you've done, and I hope you stay strong.

[@CRZYBCKT]

I thought for a while about the various things I’d want to say whenever you uploaded a video again, but in reality I’m just so happy to see you’re still around.

[@matturton503]

For what it's worth Nick I really appreciate this video. Your honesty and introspection really helps me understand you better. I've been watching you for years, and I look forward to many more. Much love

[@krizkor]

Love you, Nick. I'm working on being my truest self this year too. I hope you succeed in everything you do this year and in this decade. You absolutely deserve it.

[@whatopher]

Thank you! For being who you are, and sharing your energy with us over the years.

[@MurrOtter]

So great to see you back and even more great to hear you being so candid and awesome. Can't wait to see what 2020 has in store for you.

[@joshwi4193]

Hey Nick, thank you for your honesty around some difficult topics. As someone who also suffers from depression, seeing you genuinely put effort and positive energy into your wellbeing is really wonderful. The fact you can see a way forward, and are taking steps to improve things is huge. I hope you keep exercising, eating well and maintaining your relationships this year, and wish you every success Nek. Make 2020 a great year

[@AxtonLovesHisTurret]

Thank you for being open with us. I appreciate that. And, while I can't say that I fully understand your scenario, I empathize with you, Nick. I look forward to seeing more of you; here, twitch, social media, wherever.

[@ZepperZed]

I hope you have a better 2020. Love your content and wish you the best

[@nataliealphonse4634]

I know im late but i just found this today, I want to say I really have a ton of respect for you. Thank you for being open an honest about these things as someone who also suffers from severe anxiety it cant be understated how brave this is. The Goofball Goals/Dark Souls days will always be my happy place, and you play such a big part in that thank you. I genuinely wish you luck in trying to figure out your new path going forward. I love you Nick

[@outskirtstand]

Glad to see you back around KZbin and Twitch a bit, dude. Your older playthroughs and streams kept me sane through my own severe depression and insomnia, and I still come back to your NITW and Little Nightmares playthroughs. I remember wondering what happened last year and feeling concerned with the increasingly spaced out streams, and I hope things get easier for you. It's never easy to deal with severe anxiety and depression, but you definitely deserve a better year for sticking through it all.

[@ScoutXdude]

Thanks so much for making this video. There was a part of me that was so sad to see you leave the NLSS because you were always one of my favorite people on there, but I understand that that ship has sailed. I’d been watching NL and you since I was in middle/high school and am currently in college. I have struggled with generalized and social anxiety for years now, so it’s refreshing in a weird way to think that one of the people who I grew up watching struggled with it too and came out the other end fighting. Some days are tougher than others, but stuff like this always makes it easier for me to reconcile that things will turn out alright. Thanks for being there, Nick. Can’t wait to see what you do next. Here’s to hoping I’ll finally be able to catch a stream.

[@yahdo]

I've missed hearing you nick! Everyone seems to be sharing their stories, and I don't want to take up too much time here, but I've always struggled with depression since puberty. Never self harm, but constant self doubt and self ridicule. After a particularly awful break up post High School graduation in 2013, I was in an incredibly dark place for years, all up until 2019. I'm doing so much better now. I only found the NLSS in Jan 2017 with release of AB+, and I will never be able to thank any of you enough for the laughter, smiles and happiness you all brought me. I'm tearing up just writing this. But thank you anyway Nek. And thank you for opening up. I always knew you had a lot on your plate, and I truly wish for things and life to soften up on you. While we can't control everything as much as we'd certainly like to, let's do our best have an awesome 2020, complete with all the good and bad, because that's life ❤️

[@tompreston3444]

I’m sorry to hear about your mother Nick. When I was in seventh grade, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was lucky enough that I had you and the NLSS to keep me distracted with positive content and silly jellies and such. You guys had a profound impact on me during that time and you in particular made the whole situation much better for me. I also feel like, since I had your example when I was younger, I have been much more open to talking about mental health and such. I am a college freshman now and my mom is still kicking ass, I hope you can be as fortune as I have been with your mothers health, and I hope that knowing that you helped relieve some of that stress in my life makes you feel better.

[@charliebrewster2809]

I got into the NLSS when you were a part of it and it felt like you and Ryan were the integral components to me. I have some very fond memories of watching Spy Party, Getting Over It, Ultimate Chicken Horse, etc. I always enjoyed the Roundtable Podcast with you too. I've fallen off watching it since you left, although I still love NL. Anyways, long story short you were an important aspect of the show to me and I miss you in it. I hope your 2020 is better for you man.

[@Lmask13]

I've always felt like you have the quality of being genuine in everything you do, and i think that is why i feel such a great sense of community within your virtual realm. Very happy to see you again, every one of us commenters is a real life human, relating, feeling and laughing together with you and that is such a remarkable thought.

[@elijahgeorge9235]

You’re one of my favorite content creators, I’m only upset that I don’t have the opportunity to watch your streams (not your fault at all, I simply don’t enjoy the livestream dynamic that much), however yours is just about he only channel I’ll tune into live, and one of the few I’ll watch a twitch vod of. You’re the greatest nick, and like everyone has already said, we like and enjoy you and respect that you take the initiative to care for yourself before providing for us. Thanks so much for being a constant source of joy for me for over half a decade, and I’m gonna try to make more streams and get more involved in the community. Good luck Nek!

[@gadgetpatch9975]

Really glad to hear from you, and thanks for being so candid. That sort of realness is one of the things that first drew me to your content. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself best as you can, too. I don't know if it's relatable, but my own experience with depression and anxiety tends to see me doing things that seem similar. I expect bad outcomes and preempt them by avoiding them or removing myself from them. I avoiding seeking the support or company of others because I feel inconsistent, unstable, or like too much of a downer. I avoid a lot of projects and situations, which tends to feed my guilt. Yet, once I actually do bring myself to get started, or stick something out, most of the time it's fine... and even generally pretty good. So I've been doing my best to get out of my own way and try things, as often as I can. If they don't work, I try to focus on learning and growing. And I try to hold onto the hope that things can turn out well. FWIW, I'd love to see you get a Patreon. As someone who appreciates your content and values you as a person in the parasocial way I do (and yes, even if you're not around or productive on a given month), I'd love to be able to support your ability to do the sorts of things you do. And like a few other folks have said, pausing donations or doing per-project donations is always an option, if that feels better to you. I recently started a Patreon myself, for gamedev work. I even had similar anxieties about starting one... but in a lot of ways, I found that it actually *helped* motivate me. It framed things differently, helped me take my craft more seriously, and provided a kind of pressure that's been really beneficial in overcoming some of the anxieties I have. I've had some bad months here and there, but I've done my best to be transparent about my difficulties with the people who support my work. And even at times when I doubt the worth of what I make, or feel the guilt of Impostor Syndrome and all that... I've tried not to let me and my anxiety/depression make the decision *for* other people, that they shouldn't support me. I just try to let them know how things are on my end, if I've had difficulties, and let them make the call for themselves. Anyway, I know how anxiety and depression can be. I know the sort of shadow that can hang over neglected projects, or complicated friendships... weird mixes of guilt, frustration, regret, and more besides. Stuff that makes those projects feel hard to pick up... like all that time spent not doing something lends it so much negative momentum, that it's hard to motivate yourself to jump the proverbial gap between 0 and 1. Or that time spent avoiding people can make those social circles into sources of anxiety or hard--to-process feelings. I can't say whether mending your friendships with some of your old content-maker friends is The Best Thing... but it doesn't have to be the best thing to be good, or have the potential for good. So if you do miss them and wish things could be better between you, I think it's worth giving that a shot, when you've got the spoons to spare. And obviously there's plenty of other people out there you could build new connections with, professional and otherwise, if trying to patch up old bridges isn't something you're keen on right now. I also wanted to say, I've enjoyed Indie Impressions quite a bit. That's was a motivating factor in getting me to take my game dev hobby more seriously, way back in the day, and exposed me to a lot of art I wouldn't have been otherwise. It's actually what lead me to your other content, and originally to some of the other NLSS folk in the first place. (You were always my favorite though!) Anyway... here's wishing you well. Lets keep leaning together, and learning together, and making our futures the best they can be. Best of luck to ya.

[@thesofttacos2256]

Hey Nick, long time fan and lurker here! I'm happy to see you again and that you're doing okay and trying to move on from the negativity you've experienced. The world can certainly seem like a tough place to live in at times but I've seen you at your best and I know that you can power through all of this. I'm sure that I speak for all of your dedicated fan base when I say that you have endless amounts of love and support from all of us and we will stick with you regardless of any breaks you take from your channels. Everybody needs a mental break now and then. You've been a huge influence on the lives of many of us, whether its through your discussions of mental health and life, or simply experiencing weird and interesting games along with you. Regardless, I wish you the best in coping with your depression and getting back into the swing of things! Have a great night and keep being awesome!

[@Skateclown22]

Love you man thanks for updating us you were always my favorite part of the NLSS and I have greatly missed you, but am very happy that you updated us. Keep your head up 2020 is going to be your year.

[@DocDoesGamingTV]

Hey Nick, I hope you're having a good beginning of 2020! You helped me a lot when I was having a hard time in 2015/16 and for that I'm *still* really grateful. So the only thing I can really say is: Thank you for being you

[@andrewbrown1675]

I appreciate how candid you are, it means a lot.

[@yorbendebruyne880]

One of my only youtube comments, ever, but thank you for being a particularily honest, real and fun-to-watch person. All the best from Belgium!

[@HiredHelp]

Glad to hear Austin is editing for you, always been a top notch guy! Hope things start looking up Nick, you've always been a wonderful creator/youtuber/streamer, whatever label you want to use, looking forward to future content from you my man!

[@pragmascrypt6636]

You covered one of my ludum dare games in 2014. Still one of the nicest things happened to me in my gamedev "career".

[@dplus94]

i love you Nick. You were always one of my favorite members of the NLSS. i look up to you because i could tell youve dealt with depression and anxiety. i knew this because you masked it in moments the same way i do; with a smile and a laugh. im 26 now and have dealt with these things since i was 12 or 13. it makes me happy to see someone i can relate to fighting so hard. Just know im always rooting for you and we can always lean on each other when we dont have the strength to move on our own. Stay strong, stay healthy and my thoughts are with your mother! - A Fan and Friend

[@xeixie41]

Hi nick, good to see you again :) Ive been watching your channel or years abd you and the nlss crew are a big part of my day. I too struggle with depression and autism and end up having loneny days where i cant do anything, but your and the crews videos help me distract from my thoughts and make me smile. Ive recently been watching UCH ;) anyway I want to thank you and it makes me happy you re doing better. We’ll get through.

[@jimothycool]

I struggled with health issues and grief, depression, anxiety a lot in the past myself. I relate aswell to the relationships slowly fading and the isolation too. Your content and your presence on the NLSS always gave me somethin to look forward to and help me forget about that shit for a bit. I've come a long way with my mental state and I know you can too we convince ourselves that it's impossible and there's no point But that ain't true. We can build positive ways of thinking and learn to understand our own emotions and thoughts. I wish you the best bro and hope this year can be a fresh start

[@BestestBoy2k19]

Hey Nick! Glad to see that you are not ready to give up the fight it bolsters my resolve. 2018 was a terrible year for me but 2019 started to turn around for the better and I'm not going to let anxiety get it's claws in me that deep again. Best of luck with everything man, we can do this.

[@jasonpylatuk8584]

You're a really decent dude nick. I dont get a chance to watch your stuff enough but it always makes me happy to see it when you are streaming or post a video on KZbin. I really respect your what you say. Take care of yourself and I'm hoping everything goes well for you in 2020.

[@Rob6094Palmer]

Hey Nick, I'm so pleased to see you looking healthy and seeing you with an appetite to smash 2020. I've followed you for a long time and your consistent openness with your mental health over the years has helped me understand my own problems with anxiety and depression. I won't bog you down with the gritty details, but the only reason I'm here today is that I set off my home security system during a suicide attempt and I woke my parents. I had a breakdown and essentially had to step away from my career and was at the lowest of the low. The narrative you describe with regards to anxiety is the aptest description I've ever heard and I've never heard articulated that way, even by my therapists. Anyways, the reason I'm writing this is that I think you're a wonderful person who has an incredible amount of integrity with regards to pretty much everything that you do. I know us internet folk are not a substitute for friends or anything like that, but just know that there are hundreds, probably thousands of us out here rooting for you and wish for you to have success and happiness in both your professional and private life. If I can come out the other side of what I went through and have optimism for the future and want to be around, I know that you can. Love ya Nick. Keep on keepin' on brother.

[@doglass9000]

Hey man, thanks for sharing all this. It resonated with me in a lot of places. Good luck with it all. Thanks for doing you.

[@countvondutchessofwestmoor3974]

Thank you for the update Nick ❤️❤️❤️

[@luker.6967]

Hey Nick, it takes an incredible amount of courage to be this open, hats off to you. Your display of perseverance despite the circumstances is commendable. You obviously have access to a lot more information regarding the NLSS crew, but I think at the very least NL would be understanding and forgiving of your situation. Underneath his somewhat stoic shell is a kind yolk. Thank you for the incredible content over all the years, wishing you the best for 2020!

[@valtariarc4931]

Hello, as a person who has been through my unfortunate mental health and feel like getting out of bed is too much effort, you and your content always impacted to me in a positive way. And I am trying to be better, I am not successful yet but I am trying. Years and years of trying and failing I feel exhausted but I still want to be better. So I hope this year we will find our peace and happiness. And as a person who is in a long distance relationship, it is so hard sometimes, my personal solution is a big meteor which merges all of the continents. I wish you and Lin the best. You have my support and have a good night.

[@chessnut333]

Thank you so much for sharing Nick. You'll always be a huge part of the NLSS and I feel hopefully optimistic that I will one day be pleasantly surprised to hear your voice grace it once more. Best wishes to you and your loved ones buddy.

[@im_eek]

Not to delve into my own problems too much, but I also had a very rough 2019 that ended up with me depressed and trying out meds and counselors to help me out. The part where you talked about that "good energy" really spoke to me, it really sucks feeling like you only have so much time to be productive, and there are so many things you feel like you need to do. I really appreciate you opening up like this and sharing your experience, it's nice to be reminded that i'm not alone, and I'm not the only one that's gone through times like this(though i wish you didnt have to have this experience yourself to give me this reminder). I havent really kept up with the whole crew in years although i did see some of the scuttlebutt being had on reddit throughout this year, but I always remember you being so positive and cheery and you would always brighten up the streams, and just like back then, watching this brightened up my day if not my week, on top of that you gave me more hope than I had before. Thank you so much dude, I hope things get better.

[@Micr0chasm]

I’ve been watching your content since the Indie Impressions days and I don’t intend to ever unsubscribe. Hope you have a better year and I’ll be around for whatever you make.

[@jett1243]

Hey Nick, nice to hear from you. I've been a bit out of the loop this year and only been able to catch a couple of your streams so it was nice to see this in my sub box. I hope your 2020 is better than your 2019.

[@donalflinn4852]

Hey Nick! Congrats doing doing better; I'm in a similar position to yourself and I really admire your perseverance. Sometimes the hardest people to talk to can be your friends, especially when you disagree with them on something. I found in my life that much of the criticism I direct at myself is motivated by a desire to be as kind and honest as possible with the people around me, and the struggle begins when what's kind isn't honest, and vice-versa. It's hard to be understanding of others when you're not cutting yourself any slack, and for people with persistent mental health issues, that act of being kind to oneself is exacting work. I think you've done a well to take care of yourself and the achievement of making this video is proof of your work. You have a lot to be proud of and a lot to cherish; from where I'm sitting I see hope for the future, and I look forward to seeing you there. You're well on your way, and the skills you've cultivated in minding yourself will be there for life! Good luck, and great work!

[@Dani_Juleen]

I missed you on the NLSS. You were my favorite, I always thought you had interesting things to say. I would occasionally wonder where you went but never bothered to look for you. I feel bad now. I feel like I can relate so much to what you said. I also struggle with depression and anxiety pretty bad, I felt like I could relate. These past couple years have been hard for me, I don’t really recognize myself anymore. My anxiety also takes me to similar places. I just finished reading “the war on normal people” by Andrew Yang, very informative but I’m scared for our country too. I’m glad to see you’re still here. I’m rooting for you and I’ll be looking out for videos in the future.

[@mathbookhero]

Hey Nick, I have been mulling over what to say for a bit on this video because I wanted to best express my thoughts as someone who only rarely comments on videos and is even rarer to say anything in chat. You have brought countless hours of joy into so many people's lives already. For some people it was with your time on the NLSS, others movie night, others your general streams and indie impression, and a whole bunch are a combo of all those. I know i can't thank you enough for these times, but thank you so much for providing me and so many others with these times. When I saw your Control series pop into my sub feed my heart jumped in excitement and happiness knowing you were still around, and now I'm glad you are focusing more or on how to best deal with mental health and life issues. I know firsthand mental health issues are not easy to live with, and i can't imagine the pressure of living in the public eye along with life issues all compounding on top of it. I hope your path to betterment is as smooth as possible, and that life as a whole is nice.

[@sweetandsaltyminx7310]

It was really nice to hear you speak on your anxiety. It reminded me a lot of what I go through when I have my episodes.

[@realityisenough]

All the best Nick, thank you for taking the time to put this out there and clear up some stuff. You and Ryan really helped me alot starting back from 2015 when I was ... going thru many many things. I fell out of the rockleesmile wagon slightly due to political differences (even tho I respect you voicing your views and enjoy it sometimes too), but have always loved your work and enjoyed your videos and have always wanted to support what you do. You do have a talent for this and I might try catching streams again. Thank you and all the best for 2020

[@N8Maple01]

Thanks for always meaning your words. Even if I don't always agree with them. Life is struggle, after all. But also, if we never hear other ideas, how can we discover better ones that are out there. Thanks for the update, Nick. All the best for 2020 and beyond.

[@Chopskee9119]

From some random person who you don't know a thing about, I just want to say thank you. Genuinely, thank you, and I'm happy to hear from you. Take care man.

[@Jeredriq]

Hi Nick, I started watching you since indie impressions, I was also an indie developer back than and it was great to see what other developers were doing. Hope you and your family the best

[@nutriacubica]

I finally was able to end watching the video, I really feel for you, as a person with anxiety that also lives in a country where I don't feel I belong and has severe struggles with friends and family, I have to say that it's brave from you to vent like this, anxiety ridden ones can say that for sure, don't forfeit on your relationships at least not on friends, family is something that comes in a bundle with you when you are born and the family you love stays with you till their time is due and even after that they live on with you on your memories, but friends are the family you chose, no friend group is perfect and no friend group will ever be in sitcom levels of unity and such, I see many people in comments asking for you to go back to the NLSS, I don't think that's necessary at least not if you don't feel within the chemistry of the show, but hey every NLSS I see your face in the intro overlay I watch the compilations of you guys having fun, you are free to reconnect with your friends without appeasing the masses going back to the NLSS don't let the pressure of the show sour your life, sometimes writing on comments on youtube is like screaming to the void but I really feel for you and identify with you, I've lost friends to anxiety and I really don't like seeing someone that has been part of my life for so many years go through this stuff (even if its through a screen). Be happy little Nek but most important be at peace and good luck with anxiety, may the GOLDMAN reign supreme.

[@redtrooper7622]

Looking good Nick! We're here for you man, hope to see more of you soon.

[@Chris-yz7cs]

Hey bud glad you made it through 2019 and looking forward to seeing what you have in store for 2020. Glad you had fun in ireland, from a long time viewer in Co Wicklow.

[@danmenial]

I haven’t commented many times, but I have been a fan of yours since maybe 2013 or so. I am always ecstatic when I see you post something new. Your playthrough of EVO Search For Eden is something I have watched multiple times just kinda because your perspective and voice are quite calming. I’ve missed you being on KZbin and whatnot. I just figured you deserved to know. The last two years have been rough for me, as I am sure they have been for you. But I trust that they will get better. I like to say to myself that they will get better, because if they’re terrible I will do all I can to make them better. Motivation is definitely hard, and sometimes being patient and having to wait for things to get better is even harder. I’m just hoping to see more of you when you feel up to it. You definitely have a community of people here that do respect your needs and are here because we enjoy who you are, without pretense.

[@kubo407]

I really like your stuff Nick and you seem like a great guy. You were my favourite nlss member and I tried to catch you on twitch since then but timezones don't really make that possible. I loved indie impressions. I hope I can see more of you with the upcoming videos but most of all want you to just do what keeps you well. Whatever you are is enough, even this absence, that's okay. That's what life is like sometimes.

[@zkt95]

Hey nick, it's been a while since I looked you up to see how you're doing nowadays. I still miss you being on the nlss. I enjoyed the personality you brought to the show. I feel like it's not the same without you, but I understand that not everything works out. I listened to this entire video and feel like I strongly relate to, and agree with, everything you said and the feelings you feel in regard to depression and anxiety. I hope things get better for all of us. I actually am going to subscribe because of this video. Be happy lil nek.

[@Atantuo]

I'm just glad to hear from you again, Nick. All the best to you and yours. I'll keep patiently waiting for any future videos.

[@chadtopia]

Thanks for the honesty, Nick. I have always enjoyed your sense of humour and way of looking at the world. And also generosity. You have always made me smile or laugh. Cant thank you enough for that. Always happy to chat to you more on Twitter or on discord if you prefer! Much

[@nonfelem]

Love you bud, I've been a long time lurker. Partly because I don't see any value in what I have to say. However your journey through the past year has been filled with so much similar turmoil that I can't help but feel empathy. Dealing with long distance relationships and health problems. To suddenly loosing many of the people who I once called friends. All I can say is that I hope this year you can push past all these burdens and move forward. And I'll support you in any way I can, for I will follow down the same road.

[@xxgrimmsxx42]

Nick, I've been watching your content since I found you from Ryan's channel. Way back. You're an awesome dude, and I hope 2020 is the best year for you. The content you make helps people get through their own stuff, whether it might seem that way at times. Please, please keep it up! We love ya man!

[@amrit6252]

I just wanted to say that so many of the struggles you talked about in this video are ones I'm going through right now myself and it was very nice to get that reassurance that I'm not alone. That also means that you're not alone, either. I wish you nothing but the best, Nick

[@5050TM]

As someone who's diagnosed as schizoaffective and has had anywhere from bizarre times of extroversion and even more bizarre times of complete isolation, it's good to hear someone with anxiety and depression enjoying some happy times with their significant other. I remember the vlogs you used to put out traveling around and I don't know...it's just nice to see and hear! ☺️ It does get better then worse then better then...you know the drill. But the ups are always worth waiting for. I think when someone is suffering from a mental illness, we always say regrettable things at some point (even if there's some truth to them they just seem to come out wrong) and then we continue to beat ourselves up about how we did what we did. I alienated myself from my friends as well. It was like a snowball of me doing or saying something while having a depressive episode and then just having too much ego or guilt to come back around, even when there was an opening for me and I would truly be welcomed back had I chosen to. I can see that clearly only now, years later. And I fell into that crawl into bed as much as possible cycle where I definitely would ignore my basic needs for as long as possible too. Got so bad my muscles wasted since I was barely moving or eating. The overlapping thoughts of judgment from others and worries is just as real as if someone were sitting next to you and really saying those things. It's tough. Thanks for mentioning it out loud because it's one of those things that can become such a great point of shame since it's so rarely mentioned as a thing that can happen, as you said. The thing I found that helped me was actually an online coach. Not a life coach, but a coach who checked up on me everyday for my daily goal of writing. I went from nothing to a first draft of a novel in a few months. Just having that person there and achieving a set goal everyday (or being comforted and reminded that everyone fails sometimes and that doesn't make me worthless, then pushed forward when I didn't reach it) made me feel MILES better about myself. It cut back on my self hatred more than any medication or interaction ever did. I personally stopped paying attention to politics for the most part and push myself to detach from it at the end of the day. It made me feel so angry and helpless all the time, didn't matter which "side" I viewed it from. I kind of dip my toe back in when I feel stable enough then pull out before I get too serious about it. Just what worked for me personally. Your friends probably still care about you deeply and most likely aren't still upset with you or unwilling to be close again, whether you'd believe that or not. We get so stuck in thinking we're not valuable or worthy of other people's care or forgiveness, but that's not true and I know that because we wouldn't say that to or believe the same about anyone other than ourselves right? Many mistakes can truly be rectified, no matter how shitty we may feel they were. It might not be in a magical perfect way, but I really hope things can mend for you in the way closest to what you desire. Anyway, it was nice to view this video Nick. Yes, you were worth listening to for forty minutes. Much love to you and yours. 💜 Also... *GOLD!* 😊

[@Mooseph755]

Where did you get the online coach?

[@5050TM]

@@Mooseph755 coach.me 🙂

[@chayce3205]

I remember a few years ago always laughing along with you guys on the NLSS nearly every single time, now when I listen to the NLSS I do find it funny at times but I feel like I'm laughing much less, my favorite stream was probably the first couple of times you all played human fall flat lol that was top notch, miss you on the show but I understand why you left, I hope 2020 is a much better year for you man stay strong!

[@grimmDgalactus]

ive had depression with a drunk issue, or the otherway around, since a couple years now. the depression has been there long before i had the ability to buy alcohol and develop alcoholism. since you made the upload of "the beginners guide" in 2015, i might have watched it every month. maybe not to its fullest and mayhaps not literally every month, but... a lot. there are many, many lines in that game that brings my depression to tears. to be so emotional that i just forcefully break down. no matter on a good day or a bad, if i watch your video i always break down. and... after that... i am myself again. i can have happy again. i can skip the bottle. i can create a genuine smile. it kinda feels like a reset button. "you cant talk yourself out of loneliness." "i just want to know everything is going to be okeay" since 2015 a lot has happend. for both of us. from your own perspective for yourself the most. and that counts for both of us. and thats okeay. i am not a drunk anymore. and i quit smoking. and i quit school. and as a 25 year old i drive newspapers. but i actively started to make an effort to live. for the first time since i was a teenager. and somehow, i do believe, since that upload in 2015, you are responsible for my happiness. so nick. thank you. i cant express how much. but in words, over the internet: thank you

[@Bloodiasfire]

I hope that one day I can manage to make that step too. I've kinda just been drifting for the past 6 years, not really unhappy but not happy either. Doing nothing with my life, feeling worthless half the time.

[@Stchurdak]

ive been watching ur stuff for a long time, just wanted to say thanks for sharing, ive loved the few vids like the witness series and others that were uploaded somewhat recently. streams are hard to catch for me so thanks for hanging in there and doing what you have. Its nice to see you again

[@canihasfood3856]

Hey Nick, just wanted to wish you well. I miss you on the NLSS, and I feel like the humor did shift, but has found its place again. And I think that place has room for you. Or to say, it always did, but I think you’d feel more comfortable again. Regardless of that, I’ll still watch your content because I like you and what you do. You’re such a genuine, positive individual and I love that. You’ve helped me through the bad and I can’t thank you enough for that. You helped shape who I am today. Thanks for doing what you do man, and I’m excited to see what you do from here on out. Much love

[@Flames5123]

OMG! A new Nick video! I've missed your content. You were the first person who I subscribed to on Twitch, and the only person who I'm still subscribed to. You're my number one inspiration for having a dream of making games that I hope to start on this year. Your critiques of indie games have always amazed me. I keep up with you on twitter because I genuinely care about you as a person, and I value your opinion on many things. I think you're one of two internet personalities that I make sure to get notifications for. I'm looking forward to whatever your content will be. I'll strive to watch your Twitch strims more this year because it's genuinely an enjoyable time. I wish you the best, Nick.

[@Portalz42]

Nick you have consistently remained one of the most genuine voices I’ve seen on the internet and Your openness with your feelings has definitely made it easier to address issues in my own life. I’m glad that my tiny part of the world was somewhere you were able to find a little rest and comfort ☘️

[@KevinAccetta]

I'm a bit late to the vid, but wanted to show my support. I greatly miss your youtube content and you're one of the only people I watch on twitch. I've been a fan for like 6 years now, or more, idk lol. Ever since you did the NLSS with Ryan and Josh back in the day. You're the one I connected with the most because of your clear passion for games and also metroid and metroidvanias (I'm about to graduate from game dev hoping to eventually make one myself, currently doing one for class, tho it's not looking like what I'd personally make lol), and also I see a lot of myself in you in terms of seeing how bleak the world can be, the depressive side, but also how nice you seem to be too. Hopefully we can both start feeling better soon. Ok, now back to the video xD

[@mattslippyfist3152]

I liked and subbed to prove you wrong. 2019 was weird without your involvement in the nlss. I hope things get better for you, you're definitely missed!

[@satanicaa]

Hey man, genuinely hoping for the best for you and thanks for the company. 2019 has been the roughest year for me in terms of my mental health, and you are far from alone.

[@Android480]

I've fallen off the map myself for almost a year and a half now. I'm finding it really hard to have the bravery to call my friends up and apologize, and move on with life and start laughing again. This period of ghosting just feels like it will forever change the way other people see me, and change the entire dynamic I built my confidence and personality on. I know its not as bad as I make it seem in my head, the few people I have talked to have been so supportive and loving that it blows me away, but this mindset is hard to break. You've given me some strength here, I know this video must have been extremely hard to finally sit down and make. We all feel love for you, thank you for everything and I sincerely hope that 2020 will be a fantastic year for you.

[@NicoDeGuyo]

Always look forward to seeing you Nick. And I'm with you here for the long haul.

[@CoolHandFlash]

Nick, you're one of my favorite people. I don't just mean a favorite let's player/ streamer, I mean one of my favorite people in general. You have from the first time I saw you reminded me of myself and you have no idea how hard this video hits home and how right I've been about the similarities. I make content that practically no one watches and struggle to get my ideas done, so I can only imagine what that's like for someone with an actual following. Anyway, you are a wonderful dude and I'll keep watching streams, videos or whatever you do, like I have for years. Lurking mostly, but that's how that is. Glad you uploaded this. (And now if I know myself right, I'll let this comment sit for a while before deciding whether or not to press the big comment button).

[@Tofu_Town]

Happy to hear from you again Nick. Thank you for sharing everything with us. Those are some heavy stuff. I'm glad to hear that your girlfriend is very supportive. I teared up a little there. Anyway, I do hope things are getting better, and I'm looking forward to hear more from you in 2020.

[@Nick0Kyuubi0Narion]

Good to see you again Nick. I get where you're coming from with all of the stuff, I've been dealing with a lot of it myself. I just try to go one day at a time, be proactively open to the people that matter to me, and keep the short term goals and achievements in mind. It's a hard time for sensitive folks. Thanks for clarifying things. Best of luck to you and yours. I hope to see you again soon.

[@huttlord123]

I'm sorry to hear about you mom, Nick. I hope everything goes well for you both. I've always enjoyed you and your content, so I'll be here and excited to see anything you decide to produce. Keep on going man.

[@pencilpusher64]

Hey Nick, long-time lurker since 2012-2013. Thank you for continuing to better yourself in whatever way you can, even when you feel powerless. You exude a kind of humanity that is getting harder and harder to see these days.

[@Kryogenic12921]

Been watching since the NLSS began and it's been the most consistent part of my life for the past 7 years or so; sad to see the end of an era, but if its not working its not working. Really hope you can get through the anxiety/depression and keep being yourself, love ya Goldman.

[@ZhangRed]

I watched you since the beginning. You introduced me to nl and ive watched the podcasts from secondary all the way to uni. Now I am already at my last semester... Thank you!