Relationship Communication: John Gottman's Repair Attempts

[@c.c.2320]

Immediately before watching this video, I watched a clip from a speech by Dr. Gottman on this topic. Interestingly, he said his team found the effectiveness of the repair attempt couldn't be predicted by the quality of the attempt. Some very elegant attempts failed, while some rather clumsy attempts succeeded. Eventually they came to realize that what predicted success was how the partner received the attempt. And that depended on the quality of the couple's friendship prior to the argument. So basically, you have to build trust and friendship through acts of kindness, consideration, support, etc, first. Because when your good friend who you've always known to have your back upsets you, you believe in their goodwill and are open to listening and forgiving. But if your friendship is weak, attempts to repair may not hold enough weight. Trust is lacking. So using calming and affirming phrases is good, but the key to conflict repair appears to be doing all the little things day to day to build a strong friendship bond.

[@uke7084]

1. I'm feeling defensive could you rephrase that? 2. I'm feeling scared 3. Please say that more gently 4i need things to be calmer now 5. I need your support right now 6. Can I take that back? 7. My reaction was too extreme, sorry. 8. let me try again 9. I can see my part in this 10. You're starting to convince me 11. I agree with part if what you're saying 12. I think you perspective makes sense 13. Please let's stop for awhile 14. Can I have just a minute I'll be back 15. Let's take a break 16. I love you 17. I know this isn't your fault 18. One thing I admire about you is...

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

These are great.

[@stlflyboy86]

Perfect

[@mrschristinewilson]

thank you! you just upped our chances of getting this printed!

[@sillygirl1139]

These are great, thank you. I often say "look I don't want to argue with you, I love you very much". It helps remind us that how we feel about each other is ultimately more important than an argument.

[@joeygirl314]

@Silly Girl - THAT is so different than how my other half responds sometimes: “ *SIGH* - I don’t want to argue with you…this (argument) isn’t going anywhere…” - as if he’s thinking/saying, “you’re (we’re) not worth the effort” 😬 which is never a good message between partners…the difference is subtle, but powerful. I’m writing this out in response to you, but partially also to work out how to describe this dynamic to him (yet again) in a way that hopefully doesn’t cause him to get defensive, and to look at things from a different perspective…thanks for allowing me to do just that!🙏🏼💕 I will incorporate the other repair attempts as well!

[@MyHam-os4bq]

@@joeygirl314 I was going to say the exact same thing. My husband is an expert stonewaller and does everything in his power to avoid any type of argument. So he’ll say, “I don’t want to argue with you, I love you.” Which it’s great that he loves me but I know that he only doesn’t want to argue because he wants to avoid it altogether. I, on the other hand, don’t mind a healthy argument if it resolves the issue. I’ve been trying to get this to him for about 4 years now but no luck yet. He has stopped running out of the house during arguments at least so I guess that’s some progress….lol

[@sara_387]

How about saying "I don't want to argue either, but this is important to me. Can we find a solution together that is suitable/agreeable to both of us?"

[@natalieinthewild]

"I agree with part of what you're saying"

[@francinemartinez2842]

Dr., your advice is on point and they work! I will add these to my arsenal of skills that I use with my son. We used to get into some battle royals.

[@joeygirl314]

This is really golden, and powerful stuff!! 🙏🏼💕 I feel like those who tend to Turn Away and/or Turn Against prefer to sit in the “Right Seat” … dig their heels in, and double/triple down (refusing to reverse/back out), perhaps so as to not “lose face” (we’ve all been there at one point or more)…it takes real awareness and strength to Turn Toward as often as we can (Dr Gottman states no one can do it at 100% all of the time). Just learning of repair attempts; this is a wonderful complement to Gottman’s teachings!! Thanks for summarizing it for us so nicely, Dr. Lambert!❤️

[@vilmabock478]

This gentleman is amazing! 🦉

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you.

[@mrschristinewilson]

a GREAT video

[@LennyNicole13]

Just found this, great explanations and very to the point!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you.

[@thegoodnamesaretaken]

Very interesting. I can see how that could work. When you feel that you are compatible as a couple and the relationship is nurturing it is easy to back down. It would be interesting to know why the others had a bad style of arguing. Did they feel incompatible and (un)consciously saw ("bad") arguments as an opportunity to free themselves from the relationship? Did they have bad examples growing up? Are some of them narcissistic or have some other kind of personality disorder? Human behaviour is always interesting!

[@Teh-Penguin]

From my experience and education I can say with some degree of confidence that most of that is just childhood trauma. The tricky thing is that it is not always recognizable. Let's say one of your parents did not pick you up on time from school, they did pick you up eventually but they always were late. Doesn't sound bad, just annoying, does it? Now picture yourself as an adult with that past experience and your partner does not arrive on time somewhere which makes you mad. Madder than it should be and you don't know why. It's most of the time the same wound that gets pricked and it hurts as if you were 6 again. The difficult part is to recognize that we are hurt because of our past because if we don't, we argue from a hurt position and hurt our loved ones by doing that.

[@learngrowlove]

Love your videos!

[@jefersonvieira1345]

Very good arguments. Nice!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks Jeferson!

[@lydiasalzer7896]

thank you I like this video a lot 🥰

[@joyceychang]

This is so helpful!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Glad you liked it.

[@Caa25483]

This is wonderful 😊

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you! 😊

[@valclub479]

Difficult when you are the only one doing it

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You can only control your part of the relationship, so that’s the place to start.

[@sedat4151]

Keep practicing and getting better. The other person can become more aware as you go…

[@tbillyjoeroth]

Really? That's not effective when you get zero feedback and go over the same thing so many times without an ounce of improvement.

[@sedat4151]

⁠​⁠@@tbillyjoeroththere’s no such thing as zero feedback in interpersonal dynamics. Everything you do and don’t do in a relationship generates feedback. Only absence can negate feedback. Every word, action, gesture, and even inaction are forms of communication and influence. Verbal, nonverbal, implied, etc… It’s a matter of expanding perception and understanding the dynamics through which the relationship operates.

[@markandrzejak997]

Great video and advice. I can't help but point out how John Gottman seems to be "improving" in his methods. The first video I watched of yours, you mentioned Mr. Gottman had a 90% chance to predict the outcome of marriages. The second a 91% chance. And this one, a 96% chance. Not sure I'd be thinking the same if I watched the videos in reverse order. :)

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Probably different studies. Lol.

[@dpjinjo]

I think Gottman's work is insightful and useful, but ultimately fails because it requires both parties to follow "the rules" during an argument. I think the "four horsemen" is a very correct evaluation of communication patterns that are destructive that should be avoided, but if only one party follows these guidelines they leave themselves open for the other party to employ the destructive patterns and Gottman doesn't provide a framework for this conversational imbalance. I think that "Nonviolent Communication" is the better guidance to follow during arguments.

[@murdockdisraeli3015]

Thank you for this!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You’re welcome.

[@m.i.n.9000]

do yt was like "is this a good recommendation for you" and I was like 😄 which stands for hell yeah. as a person that doesn't feel frustrated or overwhelmed or even bothered by arguments, I can never understand how the other might feel overwhelmed until they do something drastic like walk out or stonewall as you asy in the next vid. not just for s.o. arguments but also friends and Co workers. I've always thought arguing was fun and unveils things about yourself that you didn't even know were there but apparently other people don't like to argue so these are reaaaaaaly useful to help the other person be in a more light hearted position. all of your content is gold and much food for thought. tysm

[@tbillyjoeroth]

"Do yt was like...."?? I have no idea what you mean

[@m.i.n.9000]

@@tbillyjoeroth dude! yt was like: - autocorrect somehow got from dude to do

[@liatkan]

i really want more info on this.. if there is a part 2

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Gottman has written like 10 books. Pick up any of them.

[@N0B0DY_SP3C14L]

Now I know you mentioned that reflective listening isn't as effective in these types of disputes, but what about getting to No instead of Yes? There's one talk where Voss opens up a particular stage of negotiation with Look, I'm an asshole...". I guess that would be the Accusation Audit? Is that part useful in an argument with a significant other?

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I think an accusation audit style of admission would work as a repair attempt. Basically anything that interrupts the momentum of an argument and tries to redirect it toward connection or compromise will work as a repair attempt. Thanks for suggesting this.

[@tbillyjoeroth]

There's nothing about passive aggressive behavior here. How do you cool down an argument when there isn't one? When you get stonewalled? That simply escalates things.

[@themetalhead1463]

The person I’m with only cares about “making the argument,” being right acting and like an authority. They put the argument before the relationship and usually the discussion is about an insignificant topic. They will say “I’m not attacking you but your argument” but they don’t get that it is damaging to the relationship. Ego before relationship is the name of the game. She is an executive at work and that transfers over to thinking she is an authority on everything. It’s never a nice back and forth discussion even over fun or silly subjects. Everything is about making an argument and “I’m right, I know.” There is zero fun and light hearted conversation. It has to be her telling me something but if I tell her something, it is minimized and scoffed at. If I tell her something and it goes on for more than a couple of sentences, her body language indicates that I need to stop. However, bringing this up will get her to gaslight me. It’s ironic how she hates the word gaslight but uses it herself. You simply don’t treat someone like this that you respect. It’s ironic that people who demand respect are the ones who don’t give that sane respect. She can dish it out but can’t take it.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Why do you stay?

[@videometry]

What if you are a turn towardser and she's a turn awayser? Ngl this explains a lot but doesn't make me feel much better.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

That’s not ideal. Both partners in a couple need to be able to turn towards one another.

[@tbillyjoeroth]

Arguments? I would welcome one. However if your spouse is indifferent and simply stonewalls how can anything be improved? Because everything you say is falling on deaf ears.

[@1Skeptik1]

Save your relationship or get married and ruin a perfectly good friendship.

[@brians1902]

You forgot to mention that it is the man that should this.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Gorman says this works for everyone. Not just men. But perhaps you’re joking.

[@tobberfutooagain2628]

How about, “ You are fucking nuts.”.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Creative. Unconventional. Has that been working for you?