Religious Trauma: Permission to live your life.

Sometimes we stay externalizing our life because we were never taught that we were capable of knowing what to do or learning to trust ourselves.
You are wise in your own way. Learn to trust your gut instinct, sit through the noise and listen. There is a wisdom in you that is worth getting to know.

[@corner23]

"You do know the answer, you're just not used to listening to yourself." So good. It has taken years to realize that I can actually listen to myself and trust myself. And I'm still definitely working on it!! -Bonnie

[@AngelDeSantis]

Yes Bonnie!! love that you are learning about how you are your best source!!

[@benjaminkoch2380]

I am just now in the process of learning, that i can decide what i want to do, and these decisions will change my Future. It Kind of blows my mind

[@oliviacadena2036]

👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼💯

[@Jwet1100]

Its time we start broadening the term cult to mainstream religion. Im certainly a traumatized autistic adult due to Christian exposure to terrible patterns of belief.

[@Banoffeenyx]

"Amen" to that. People don't realise how harmful Christianity can really be, especially for minorities and those indoctrinated as children.

[@user-lw3ri8us4w]

As am I fellow human. It’s a pain in the ass. I totally agree that mainstream religion needs to be more closely scrutinized because it’s basically a super cult that lasted the test of time.

[@sumiben5211]

Totally agree and they can advocate for anything (including harming other beings) in the name of freedom of religion.

[@mistercomment1622]

Don't forget the moslems, they are as crazy, if not crazier!

[@juliaalexander5788]

I'm sorry that happened to you 😔

[@OpenCorridor-en3ox]

My family, and the religious groups that I got into, all taught me that the self is evil, that i need a reason for everything i do, and that life's goal is to sacrifice oneself. The guilt is so intense that i threw away all my passions and projects. Everytime i try to draw, to play a video game or to listen to music, a guilt so intense prevent me from enjoying anything. The feeling of disgust at myself and others is so intense that i started to hate all form of spirituality as well as all form of earthly pleasures. I shun most of my friends because of that. All i can do is read now. No way out.

[@ferd3007]

I feel that, my passion alwyay been art, but since I was a teen I've been taught I should "use it for god" and end up hating it because I could never express myself properly. It was like I had to hide my interests and ideas play pretend to fit the "holy standard", but it was impossible so I feel like I wasn't enough, and I was evil for having my own ideas. I'm slowly learning to express the real me, at the beginning I've felt an extreme guilt and fear, but actually making art helped me to calm down those feelings. It's a process, you have to do it step by step, and seek out professional help if needed, but it's not impossible like it seems sometimes. Keep strong!

[@OpenCorridor-en3ox]

@@ferd3007 Thanks.

[@grzegrzolka545]

Omg same! My English is not that good but I want to tell my story. I almost went insane because of online pastors like Isaiah Saldivar for example. The reason why I was listening to them online is because in Poland baptist or evenaglical churches are not that popular like in US. Anyways, I saw demons everywhere and in everything (even in house chores or talking with people I'm not kidding...) I've cut relationships with my friends and even close family, because I saw demons inside of them. I couldn't sleep at night, I had panic attacks and was scared of living, caring about myself, caring about the others (because Jesus should be most important, no one else), cleaning my house, talking to people. Even wrong way of breathing was sinful because it may attract demons! So when I had panic attack I couldn't relax myself, because deep breathing was attracting demons! I was unemployed at that time and afraid of getting a job, because you can't serve two masters (Jesus(God) and Mammon(money)), but well, God won't pay my bills and buy me food so what should I do? I was laying in my bed all day and night, watching Isaiah's videos. I was scared to question anything, because I will go to hell because of that . I'm an artist, I love surrealism and I was scared to create art or being creative in general, because this is demonic. I stopped playing my favorite video games, watching favorite movies and reading fantasy books, because oh Lord! Satan is everywhere and wants to trick me! From happy, creative person with hobbies I've become an empty gray shell. Those pastors are so charismatic and scary at the same time. They always yell in their videos, but people brainwashed by them tell it's because they have Holy Spirit inside and that's why they are so emotional and energetic.

[@thoughtsonredbudhill]

I feel this but I'm still fighting desperately for my hobbies. I think it's perfectly legitimate to have hobbies when you are a mom with young children. It keeps me sane.

[@sewcalmshop]

Don't give up! I slowly let myself explore pleasure by "forcing" myself to do just a few minutes a day of something that was "just for fun" I had panic attacks at first, but slowly it has developed and I now spend a lot of time everyday enjoying things that are just for fun. Baby steps and a lot of gentle kindness, you can release these teachings and find new ways to live 💙

[@Banoffeenyx]

This is just what I needed to hear. I've always been extremely indecisive, and often let others make decisions for me, never stepping out of my comfort zone to try new things, essentially taking a back seat to my own life. I don't like to take up space, and I always seem to feel like I have no control of my own life, which makes me feel extremely depressed sometimes. I am now going to try and work on trusting myself and my decisions, and step out of some of the boxes religion has put me in. Thank you for such an insightful video.

[@AngelDeSantis]

Thank you so much. I hope you are learning to take up space!! You have intuition that is correct and listening to it will guide you, I have all the faith in the world that if you have the courage to listen, you will guide yourself well. Sending support your way!

[@sspsp6545]

I don’t know what denomination we were raised in but I was raised with the Dobson method of raising children. As an infant, you’re placed on a blanket and every time you step off your parents punish you by slapping you on the wrist. After a couple days of this infants stop trying to move off of the blanket. I sometimes feel that I’m still that infant on the blanket. I think that’s how a lot of people who have left controlling religions feel.

[@taniaseal7154]

@@sspsp6545 I've never heard of this cruel method of raising children and you are so right, this is exactly the psyhological equivalent of the control some religions inflict on people. It takes time to deconstuct years of harmful ingrained beliefs but if you persevere you will definitely learn new healthier thought patterns to be able to "jump off that blanket" so to speak. Therapy has really helped me get things into perpective and made me realise I'm not bad for questioning things. It personally gives me comfort to believe in a loving God/higher power who created the world for us to explore and enjoy and I feel happier now that I've let go of the belief in a tyrannical God. That way I'm free to use the brain God gave me for critical thinking and explore other worldviews wihout thinking I'm doing anything wrong. Other people may get more comfort from not believing in any kind of God at all and that's great too. The main thing is that we realise we can take control of our own lives and if we try our best to live with integrity and accountability we're not going to go wrong. The world would be a better place if everyone just learned to live and let live in peace and love instead of following strict bigoted fear based religions. 💖

[@devidaughter7782]

@@sspsp6545 oh no! this is just awful! AARG James Dobson! how many lives were harmed by his horrible life-limiting teachings!?

[@jameshicks7125]

I became a philosopher and then moved into psychoanalysis because of my religious trauma. Fortunately, my religious experience was not instilled in childhood. I was brought up in a secular family. In my mid twenties there was a series of highly stressful emotional events, and religion fit the bill. I fell into a Pentecostal Four-Square charismatic, holy roller church. What I did not know at the time, and was a major part of my confusion, was that I was presenting with clinical depression and schizoaffective symptoms. I was about 24 at the time, which is about the age this shows up in males. For me, this felt like there was a malevolent force, a Lacanian "Big Other/Object" outside of my mind pressing down on me. The initial highly energized, love-bombing environment relieved my symptoms which I was told was Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I didn't know it was the social affect of mirror neurons. Since I was also a musician, particularly interested in Jazz, speaking in tongues was immediately available due to my improvisational abilities. Within a week I was "saved", the next gathering I could speak in tongues and by the third or fourth I was "interpreting" others who could speak in tongues. My pastor was amazed and the congregation encouraged me that I had "the calling" and I should become a pastor. So I investigated seminary at George Fox University in Portland OR. My plan was to study my bible and read every apologetic I could lay my hands on. About 40 in the end. Within six months I began to hear "God's Voice" in my head as an intrusive interlocutor. I hadn't completely lost reality testing due to psychosis but was torn on whether this was real or not. I brought my doubts up with my pastor and Christian friends, who in turn reminded me I had a gift and that I was probably under demonic/Satanic attack. This was in the late 1980s during the "Satanic Panic". I don't recall the time frame, but I then began to feel that I *was* under Satanic attack, especially at night when I was alone. At one point I was having semi-hallucinatory experiences of seeing demons in the shadows, and extreme terror. I was terrified to get up to urinate in the middle of the night, like a child thinking there are monsters under the bed. I had to go through a ritualistic prayers to Jesus to "rebuke the demons" so I could go to the bathroom. This severely antagonized my mental illness. I became suicidal, I felt I was betraying Jesus and attempted to hang myself. I was too scarred to kick the chair out that I might go to hell. For days I was in a semi-catatonic depression, drinking heavily and paralyzed to do anything. A friend helped me get into a psychiatrist, who was a mutual acquaintance, and she prescribed Haloperidol and I went in for bi-weekly visits for many months. This was how I was able to get away from the church. It took about ten more years to get that poison out of my head. In 2000 I was living in Cairo Egypt, and started reading philosophy. In the early 2000s I discovered cognitive neuroscience, and began studying psychology and psychoanalytic theory. Even though my mental illness has been in complete remission for many years. Occasionally I still get the PTSD flashes of doubts and fears, and have to go through a reality testing exercise in my mind. Every year it is less and less. Freud wrote in "The Future of an Illusion" that, "Religion is a system of wishful illusions, together with a disavowal of reality such as we see nowhere else but in a state of blissful hallucinatory confusion. Religion's eleventh commandment is; 'Thou Shalt Not Question'." For me it was a two year journey into a psychotic break. What follows is my psychoanalytic view of religion: In any religionist one speaks to, it always boils down to our fundamental psychological needs that were either developed properly or fractured and or split during our infantile preverbal, verbal and early socialization: Safety, Security, Certainty and Comfort. It is our early object relationships with mother, father and possibly siblings and or other relatives, that sets the course of our attachment behavior and level of neuroticism throughout life. In Psychoanalysis these fundamental psychological needs are always at the root of a neurortic, narcissist, or psychotic, unless there is some kind of organic problem in the brain. It's better to be a neurotic... Religion can be useful for symptom management or as a means to augment one's interpersonal relationships. In religious settings, as with concerts, and other focus directed events there is a powerful affect of camaraderie triggered by our social mirror neurons. Preachers, (at least in my religious days) claim that this is the "Holy Spirit". The affect we feel drives us towards reinforcement and repetition of the experience. Unfortunately, this can also serve to sublimate the repression of a deeper neurosis such as the barred subject of an early trauma or series of psychological wounds, splits and fractures in childhood, or reinforce narcissism and psychosis -as in my case. Religion in the general sense, specifically the desire for a God-object is the unconscious emergence of an infantile desire for an ideal parent. In the sense of the primary positions of neurosis, narcissism, and psychosis, there we see a "disavowal of reality, such as we see nowhere else but in a state of blissful hallucinatory confusion." (Freud) The diagnostic feature that indicates one is in this state is the inability to question any aspect of their "faith". It must be absolute, one shall not, in fact *can not* question or examine it. There is no integration of self, or complete self, but a series of psychological fractures and splits that are sublimated by the religious acts and beliefs. In this, religion acts as a placeholder for the self. To bring in criticism, ridicule or any form of interrogation about the individual's religious position presses them into what Melanie Klein identified as the paranoid/schizoid position. They become defensive, incorrigible, retreat deeper i.e., "I just know that I know!" or act out violently (the paranoid position). External objects like their interlocuter are split (the schizoid position) into all good/all bad, for me / against me, all right / all wrong, either all good or all evil. This is a return to the infantile position of the child where his/her/their parents *must* be all good, and the ability to consider that the parents might not be all good is suppressed by the ego. Religion does not provide healing. It provides symptom management, suppression and sublimation in the better cases. The only thing a person is "saved" from in the Christian religion is the act of honest introspection and inquiry into their own neurosis, personality disorders or mental illness.

[@NewDaySon37]

I can learn a lot about myself through your experiences. Thank you for sharing openly, because it helps people like me. ❤ Sounds like a really rough experience. With greater wounds come greater pitfalls but also there lies the chance for greater healing. And this is what i must cling to, for my own hope.

[@devidaughter7782]

"religion acts as a placeholder for the self" - I like that!. . .very interesting comment and insightful sharing; thank you!

[@lenticularlayers]

Significantly insightful comment. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts!

[@daleduncan5080]

Thank you so much for this!

[@yyanooo]

so beautifully articulated. thank you for sharing

[@ThomasOrtizMusic]

Development of the self (the voice in your head that's actually YOU)isn't talked about enough 🤟🏼. "I have no idea how to live your life" is something alot of self help "gurus" will never say.

[@AngelDeSantis]

Truth is always useful, and the truth is I have no idea about anyone else's life. You will always have the most valuable and relevant knowledge about yourself and should always take your own thoughts and feelings into consideration.

[@ThomasOrtizMusic]

@@AngelDeSantis just to clear, my last sentence was meant as a positive. 🙏🏼

[@AngelDeSantis]

@@ThomasOrtizMusic yes! I received it as that !!

[@blessedservant]

You're right. I'm an excellent employee. I believe that our Heavenly Father snatched me out of organized religion (prosperity gospel)10 yrs ago and of my people-pleasing job. Then I went back to basics, started attending different churches. The p@ndmc quarateen allowed me to really see that I walk in my purpose without people's opinion, I even published a book. I found a great job. I still pray to our Heavenly Father, read my Bible, I listen to Spirit of the Heavenly Father in me, and I live my life in peace without drama. It's a beautiful and powerful thing. My husband always tells me...live your life.😊 I'm free.

[@cowbaisin]

I am 43. I got out of the religious circle when I was about 31 so I spent 3 decades of my early life in it deeply. I am just NOW after hearing from friends and my husband and people online for years...I am just now accepting that that's what these struggles in my life have come from. I get paralysed when making decisions because I never feel like I am making the "right" one. It used to be all about what god wanted...and what the leaders determined what was the appropriate thing to do with life. I am constantly asking for permission from other people. Daily.

[@cwytchsparks]

I feel the exact same way! Deep down inside, I want to move to nyc and have this adventurous and exciting life but growing up in a strict Penecostal household and still practicing that, I feel stifled and stuck. And at 34, I'm terrified of leaving my hometown and church because I feel like I'm "going against God's will for my life." Which keeps me miserable and depressed almost daily and I don't know how to move forward

[@TheHolyEagle33]

sadly religion will never disappear from this earth, too many people are stuck in the religious mentality.

[@DopaminedotSeek3rcolonthree]

I think religion needs to evolve if it's going to continue to be a part of our society. Placing an emphasis on thought, curiosity, and, most importantly, *never punishing doubt* would be a few traits that I believe would be a part of a hypothetical religion of the future. To put it short; Abrahamic faiths are on their way out.

[@5thdimensionsart]

Some think religious trauma is some kinda joke. We don't make this up.

[@heyfella5217]

My past therapist was a Christian and didn't beleive that I had any religious trauma because he insisted I was "on a path back to God". HIS version of God anyway. He was non-denominational and I was raised Catholic (I am atheist now). I've always felt bitter about how religious people twist everyone's hurt and trauma into some magical spiritual meaningful chapter where in the end you're destined to come back to the faith.

[@micahbyce2655]

When I was going to church, I was playing drums and was on local television every Sunday and Wednesday, but I was also listening to secular music, specifically heavy metal. My parents depised the fact that regardless of their efforts, i was enjoying secular music more than christian music. One day, they had me go up for prayer, and the pastor prayed a curse over me. He lay his hands on me and said, "You will lose you drumming talents if you do not use them for god." I believed this caused me to have a psychosis to believe it was true. For years, I continued playing in bands and playing heavier and darker stuff, but nothing ever worked out. Things would always seem to happen to prevent my success, so I began to relapse into believing that I had been cursed. Not coming to the actuality that it's difficult for everyone and the reason I wasn't successful was in part because I always relied on people whose interests opposed my own. For years, I blamed God and then would snap out of it and realize I was reverting back to my religious trauma. And still, to this day, I catch myself thinking I'm cursed. Religious trauma causes psychosis and is toxic to one's self-awareness and mental health. It caused me to blame things on irrational causes rather than thinking practically about them. It's actually taken me up until very recently to become dully aware of the problem for what it is.

[@7Pxndx7]

Me too. Im trying to figure out what tf they did spirtually or if it’s all mental. I recieved “prayer” so many times and my life kept getting worse so how do I get out of this? Every time I wanna live my life I start to get scared. It’s like I’m fighting myself and idk what is what. I feel like 2 parts of me is fighting it self and the part i thought was bad was actually good and vice versa. Any updates?

[@CharlotteDuncan-lc9pq]

As a scarred queer ex catholic this made me feel so much more hopeful. I always felt like I had to have gods permission to be loved by others and myself. This was so helpful thank you

[@cynthiasarah4286]

I AM CATHOLIC AND SO PROUD OF POPE FRANCIS TO FINALLY POINT OUT THE CHURCH WAS NOT LOVING EVERYONE!!! JESUS LOVES YOU JUST AS YOU ARE. AND YOU CAN COME BACK TO COMMUNION AND BLESSINGS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP. THE CHURCHS CRUELTY DIES A SLOW BLOODY DEATH A CARDINAL TOLD ME. WE ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK, TO ACT LIKE JESUS! So many people love you!!!! Just as you love to be.

[@mothman-777]

as an AuDHD genderfluid pansexual ex-christian now pagan, i have some things to say. (my personal experiences) i would hit/scratch myself whenever i thought something “unholy” (to the point where i would draw blood); i self harmed because i was deathly afraid of the concept of God whenever i had a question about God that was ‘problematic’, I was scolded and punished i was never allowed to fully put myself first at any given time, even when i deserved it i was told i was ‘denying’ my birth gender by being genderfluid, even though being genderfluid was how i felt more comfortable to embracing my birth gender i was told my pansexuality was a result of ‘trauma’ (even though they wouldn’t admit that they were the ones who instilled the trauma) after many years of this repeated treatment, as well as similar things, i just didn’t want to believe in something that made me feel this shitty anymore then, one day, in the shower, i just thought to myself, “If God is someone who allows his children to be treated like this, he doesn’t deserve my worship.” i’ve never looked back. i’m moving out of my christian parent’s house in a year and a half, wish me luck till then

[@juliaalexander5788]

Good Luck!! 👍 hopefully you'll find your light on your journey. Prayers and Blessed Be from a Christian Druid

[@agapewithadot]

This video was a breath of fresh air. I didn’t even realize the idea of asking permission to live my life was something I struggled with until i came across your video. I am a queer and genderfluid person. I’m a 2nd generation Ghanaian immigrant that grew up Christian and I’ve been no contact with my parents for the past 6 months and it’s been hard. I internalized a lot of negative messages from the way in which I was indoctrinated into Christianity and I only really gave up Christianity about 2 years ago so as I’ve gone through my healing journey in therapy over the past 7-8 years of my life and come to terms with my baggage, I’ve realized that there’s a lot of things that I have to work through with healing from my religious trauma as well as other forms of trauma that I’ve experienced. I really appreciate this video and immediately liked and subscribed.

[@MH_thesimsfreeplay667]

Unfortunately, my religious experience was not the best. Since I was a child my parents taught me that I should always obey and respect my religion. I suffered from anxiety since I was a child, since I was bullied at school and since then I have never sought psychological help. When I turned 16 I started to practice my religion more and abandoned exactly everything that was said about the world, including music, movies, drawings and even my Scooby-Doo DVDs and Barbie movies. I started to dedicate myself only to the church and lived all day with the TV on religious stations that spoke a lot about the devil, sin, vocation and even condemned other religions. People from my church took a lot to heart dictating to me that I should serve God as a nun, I heard this from several people, including a nun who came to my house once and invited me to go to a convent as they spoke very highly of me for her. Over time I got this idea in my head, even though it was against my will. As I've had anxiety for years this contributes to making me even more anxious. I started to think only about that and spent hours researching my vocation on the internet and I was afraid that if I didn't become a nun, God would punish me, I thought that these people who invited me to a convent were God himself calling me. Gradually I began to have intrusive thoughts that did not even let me sleep. When I read in the bible that the sin against the Holy Spirit is unforgivable it only increased my fear more, I thought I was sinning by thinking bad thoughts about God. It only got worse when a priest once came to exhort me to stay away from certain types of entertainment, which was the subject of gossip about me. At the time my only entertainment was watching Catholic content and listening to Catholic music, nothing more. As time went on, it just got to me. When I entered confirmation, there was a lot of pressure from the catechist at the time for the catechumens, everything she wanted us to do we had to do because otherwise the priest would take us out of confirmation. She was threatening all the time. I felt very trapped by that, mainly because of pressure from my parents for me to confirm. At the time I was 17 years old. I was still studying in high school and on the way to school I passed in front of a convent school, I had to lower my head because just remembering people asking me to become a nun made me panic and I was afraid that I would have an attack of nerves. Even today, at the age of 25, I carry this on my back and conscience. I haven't looked for psychological help yet because where I live this doesn't exist. I didn't leave religion because I know that if I do, God can punish me or I can go to hell. Not to mention my family will judge me for it. I know that many will say that my problem is not a reason for trauma, at least that's what my father tells me, but as I've always been a nervous person and suspicious of everything, I ended up being shaken by things that bothered me at the time. This all happened at a time when the Catholic Charismatic Renewal was very connected, nowadays I can't follow these preachings for fear that they prophesy about my life or even talk about something that reminds me of my past.

[@Ann-mp5mi]

My story is some what similar. I been on this journey of anixety for about 1 year now. I was dealing with some serious issues when I was in 11 th grade those problems convinced me that I am unlovable and I wont find a lover or I can't be a good mom ( I always dreamed of a family) . These thought lighted the intrusive thought that was hiding deep down inside me. I was brought up in a pretty good catholic family. It is one of the well know family in our church because my father's twin brothers are priest . From a young age when there friends visit they would ask me you are gonna be a nun right? Back then I was too young to understand. But when that intrusive thought ignited with in me . I started to become anxious, depressed along with the what if thought people around me started to predict my future as a nun. It started to hurt me, it breaked every inch inside me, scattering everything that was left. Now I live in misery. Waiting for the day god is gonna make me nun against my will.

[@artboxfashion4042]

This is OCD. Please watch Katey D'Ath. She explains the OCD flower and how to desensitize intrusive thoughts.

[@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry]

​@@artboxfashion4042Yes. Can't speak to other religions, but Catholicism really does a number on children with OCD and or ADHD. Add a dash or more of parental abuse and struggling emergent sexuality, and you're climbing Himalayan mountains daily when most other people your age just climb hills. This can also mark you and set you up for bullying by peers and or adults or siblings. Fortunately these days there's more help available than there was in the early 70's when I was wrestling with these issues (still am in some ways), but young people always have to be guarded about any adult that they might trust. Peer groups set up to help with such issues are probably the best place to start, because they can talk with people their own age and know they're not alone. I was alone, and it's nowhere a young person should be, not all the time.

[@natestarot]

The title of this vibed with me. I think anything that comes to mind as far as how I live my life there's always a question of what a relative would think of it. Religion was the most significant part of my life growing up. Thank you for the message🌄

[@AngelDeSantis]

you're welcome! Glad it resonated!

[@emilianolopez4289]

My father's psysical and psychological brutality broke my soul and my mind into pieces.

[@unicornlover2659]

I'm so sorry 😔 I was never severely abused but I know how much it hurts when a parent uses violence and emotional abuse against you. I truly hope the best for you my friend. :) When we are broken into pieces, we can build something beautiful ❤️

[@theologytherapist]

When you speak about having the courage to cultivate action from your own voice - such a great statement. We don't realize how much we are conditioned to ask and receive confirmation before taking action. I've definitely noticed these qualities in my clients and it's an ongoing process to live your life authentically.

[@emilianolopez4289]

I was not only told what to do, but I was living with fear of punishment in my paretns home and at church, and AT SCHOOL AS WELL!! Those son of a bitches, self-proclaimed autorithies did everething to sink me in self doubt

[@fourthgirl5028]

You are amazing. Your videos are so helpful to help me clarify my “stuckiness”. I’m in that phase of learning to listen to my gut to make decisions about my life. I still freeze and self doubt owning a decision to move in the direction. I know it is fear that holds me back. Love your recommendation: start with the small things and acknowledge all the courageous steps you have already taken. Thank you for the affirmations…”You are capable ofi… “

[@AngelDeSantis]

You are so welcome! I'm glad it's helpful!

[@Angela-nr7jx]

I believe in God but I was paralyzed by my highly controlling family member that was a brilliant minister. Now that they have passed on, I can truly be myself and the guilt is melting away. I am so grateful, not that they died, but I'm glad I found my true self at the age of 50

[@sage9836]

This is genius to consider what is behind your own questions that you ask others! Asking yourself why you asked!

[@yoloxoxo4042]

I stood here in my kitchen and decided to be atheist today. A spiritual atheist because I’ve experienced so much spiritual I know there is a divine power but the battle between what I’ve come to be as a result of religion/jesus lover/christian has been the most debilitating to my psyche. Childhood trauma and religious abuse is a recipe that set me up just right. I feel like I’ve taken my power back and then to get on here to find this information. I had no idea I had religious trauma. im looking forward to this next phase of my healing journey it’s been the most painful but also times of bittersweet.

[@JRD0788]

Amazing! Thank you so very much. A very calm and wise advice. 😊

[@flintfoster8010]

Dayum this really called me out

[@caroline_1508]

Thank you for this video xx

[@mpesce6667]

So much of what you are saying is speaking to me. Thanks

[@Jingnan-j1h]

This 100% I cant think for myself!

[@emilianolopez4289]

I was forced tu endure my narcissitic abusive father and the religious indoctrination that further damage my self image ans self esteem to say the least, because at that age I was depending on they to feed me I was dependant on their money and received constant systematic verbal abuse at home, bullied at elementary and high school as well, made feel guilty at church and then was forcefuly/against my will drugged by psychiatrics after I reacted with my fifteen years to their constact verbal abuse, screams, threats of punishment . I could not escape at that age, from home, I was a prisoner of money, because money is all everyone cares about. I had no one to defend myself, and when I tried to defend my dignity BY MY OWN HAND I was punish in the psychguard, BEAR IN MIND PEOPLE:SUCH IS THE BEHAVIOUR OF THE GOVERNMENT YOU ARE VOTING!!! I was humilliated to the core as a teenager and then again as a grown up adult. They did EVERY "RIGHT" thing to sink me into self doubt AND self hate. Like the demons they always were, that is this societys authority figures. And when I tried to seek justice from the mute God for everything they done to me, all I got was silence, so how am I not going to sink into learned helplessness as an adult, if they literally prepared me for it and accepted no responsibility of that fact? Plus they left me with all sorts of heatlh issues, and they still, as a society expect me to to just get up get over it as if no harm had taken place at all. Government need to be condenm for what it IS!!!

[@spianny]

So happy I found your channel. Thanks for sharing! I was born into, and grew up in a Pentecostal cult till 25

[@sassysince90]

This was everything I needed to hear today!!! What great advice for anyone who grew up in any type of authoritarian setting. Thank you!!!

[@thespaceguardin1116]

I feel like you were talking right to me thank you

[@jonathanbarney3484]

I'm a year late, here. But, I'm going to give what you said a real chance. Thank you for your very cool perspective.

[@zana_butterfly]

Thank you, Angel 🙏

[@indaclubinthebutt9209]

This is spot on and made me cry. Thank you.

[@Jimmy06blue]

I have my own spiritual beliefs and I’m proud of it and I will stand up for anybody who they want to be as long as they’re not hurting themselves or anybody

[@VashtiPerry]

4:11 omg I did that when I was trying to decide to stop going to this particular church and working with the pastor at a non profit.

[@user-wr9fr7ic2o]

I’m not sure if what I have would really *count* as religious trauma, as I was never brought up in a religious family. But, my area is very much surrounded by conservative Christians. So as a trans person, I have overwhelming guilt for having a supportive family, because the people in power where I am are constantly saying that people like me are an abomination, delusional, and a threat to society. So despite being as lucky as I am to have important people in my life that support me, I feel like a burden to them, because people in power are actively working against us as we “go against science and god’s will”. Is this religious trauma or something else?

[@devidaughter7782]

oh, I've never heard of 'vicarious religious trauma' - what a great question! I am SO sorry for the 'abominable' opinions being spouted by religious zealots who themselves are delusional and a threat to society! sexual diversity IS indeed natural and 'scientific', and is created by the same 'being'/ energy/ source that created ALL beings- so their rhetoric really has no basis at all, except prejudice, ignorance and hatred! I'm SO sorry you are experiencing this culture of hate at this time, and I'm so glad you have supportive parents! what I tell myself is that these guys are dinosaurs, and they will die out! the new generation coming in is SO open and positive, that the old beliefs will no longer hold sway!

[@realliving7340]

Another timely topic. Thank you❤

[@rac6212]

Thank you so so much for these videos . I’m 35 have been non religious for over 15 years and relate to all of your videos. I was born into a “traditional Roman Catholic” cult. They controlled of course our dress. Not even allowed to own a radio and went through phases where our parents would throw out the TV depending on what priests were saying. Went to a catholic school segregated by gender. And my mom doesn’t realize how traumatizing it was to have my entire identity suppressed

[@ameliedemonicault4492]

Thank you so much. When you go through all this, you really think that you're alone and you're the messed up one, and it can drive you crazy. It's so good more and more people adress these questions. We collectively have to continue on that path

[@dubemelchi]

Another heart hitting video. please don’t be a scam. Please, lol if fear of the scam is not a symptom…

[@AngelDeSantis]

Haha, I feel this!!! And I don’t think I’m a scam, but the good news is, even if I disappoint you later-you get to keep this useful information !

[@audradietz]

I like this..."cultivate courage" --- stop asking for permission ---

[@nouser1931]

THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I REALLY NEEDED THIS!! 😭💖

[@devidaughter7782]

oh this is JUST what I needed to hear today! there is a really difficult conversation that I have been putting off, with someone who is immensely important to me. it's an awkward conversation about money. I cat-sat for her when she was in hospital for 3 weeks, and when she came home, she did not offer to pay me for the cat care I provided. in the past when she would go away, she would always pay me really well for the cat-care we arranged. but this time, because it was totally unplanned, maybe she didn't see this as needing compensation. the hard part is that she has a lot of increased expenses now - medications, cab rides, etc., but the other truth is that she does have a lot of money (much more than I do), and was sharing with me last time about how generous she is being with her cab drivers! I tried to tell myself I was okay with giving all this cat care for free, as she has helped me in so many ways at other times of my life, and it was something I could do for her when she had a hard time. she has spent countless hours listening to me over the years, and so I tried to convince myself that this was my way of 'thanking her in kind'. but the last time I saw her we went out for food, and she insisted on paying, saying that it was a belated birthday present for me (my b'day was 3 months ago). I noticed the forced wane smile on my face, but I don't think she did. in my mind I was thinking 'how about this be a thank you for the cat care?' (which it seems she has totally forgotten about). I really hate to feel like a charity case, like someone who needs to be treated because she doesn't have enough money to pay for dinner herself, and I hate the idea that she made up that this was for my b'day as a way to 'frame' her buying me dinner! I don't care about making up a b'day dinner months later; this isn't important to me; what IS important to me is the recent cat care I gave! what I gave to her was at least $420.00 value, and she would have had to pay someone else to do if I hadn't done it (plus I visited her regularly in hospital, incurred parking expenses, and brought her things from home- all of which I wouldn't dream of asking money for). if she then 'treated' me, with the acknowledgement that this was for the cat-care, I would feel better, but it's like the 'pro bono' cat-care doesn't even exist, and now she's just 'treating me' out of 'benevolence', because I have less money than she does, and this DOESN"T feel good! so rather than her being 'indebted' to me, which puts me in the position of the 'benefactor', it's like I'm in the position of the 'charity case', even though I gave her something of much greater value than a dinner! ugh! this whole thing is SO uncomfortable, which is why I haven't voiced it to her. I tried to convince myself that I could be okay with this being my 'free will offering' to her, my way to reciprocate her kindness to me over the years. but there is another voice (the inner voice you speak of) that says - let apples be apples, and oranges be oranges', meaning: let economic arrangements be that, and friendship be another category. yes. I thought of calling a dear friend who I haven't spoken to in ages, to go over the situation with her. but I know that what I would want would be for her to validate for me that it's okay to ask to be paid for the care I provided. you're right: we DO know the answer of what is true for us inside, we just want someone else to give us permission to do what is SO uncomfortable, that pushes us beyond where we have gone before. the excruciatingly uncomfortable truth inside me is that I'm NOT okay with the free cat care, and certainly not okay with not having a conversation about it, with it just being assumed that I wouldn't need to be paid because the circumstances were different this time. this is a really hard truth to sit with, and of course my christian conditioning is having a hay day with 'shoulds' and admonishments for being 'selfish' and not more 'generous' to someone who has been so generous to me! but what if her soul self is arranging this so I can have the experience of being assertive with her about money - something I've never had to do before! I feel SO 'cringy' about all this that I would like to NOT deal with it, and yet that voice inside does not accept the line I want to convince it of that 'everything is okay'. I don't know if I can say the dissonance with this line is somewhere in my body, as much as it simply comes from my 'inner self'. to anyone who has chosen to read this- thank you! and thank you Angel for holding space for us to share from our own lives, to make connections between the ideas you present and our own inner worlds. thank you, thank you for the much-needed space to share this private struggle - that I have not yet voiced to anyone else- with an imagined safe group of supportive beings!

[@VashtiPerry]

I needed this like 6 years ago. I’m glad I found this now ❤

[@AngelDeSantis]

Me too!

[@peaceloveandpineapples]

So thankful that your channel exists. Thank you

[@morpheussieben]

Hey Angel :) Thank you for all the work you've done so far. It has helped reduce a huge amount of mental pain for me that no therapist was even able to scratch. It's so hard to have a serious conversation about this with anyone when almost everyone around you is brainwashed to some extent... Never stop :)

[@AngelDeSantis]

Thank you so much! I'm so glad the work I do is useful to you!

[@sighidk786]

Thank you so much for this.

[@gabrielvizcaino3130]

I really do believe in signs, this video came in the best moment thank you so much 💞✨💓

[@AngelDeSantis]

You are so welcome!! Take it as a sign the universe wants to see you succeed !

[@khristanelson5076]

Love this! I do this… wow

[@SunkeeAngel]

Love this

[@joebyers297]

Love this video! I have struggled with this a lot in life! I was raised Amish/ Mennonite so I always had to get the approval of “ Authority” ! I have made some amazing bold choices to get where I’m at today but for some reason in my business and Financial matters I still find it difficult. Maybe it’s because the teachings and images of Lazarus and the rich man😀🤷. Thanks for this video! Much love!

[@AngelDeSantis]

lol at lazarus and the rich man!! I had forgotten about those stories. We had one about "Bigger barns!". I have found in my life that the financial component was one of the hardest to undo . Feeling like I deserved money was always tricky, until I realized that this was another tactic to keep me in poverty, because if I was always struggling I would always seek for help from either elders/ parents/ god, so remaining financially poor is another control tactic. You deserve to live well. And congrats on making bold choices in your life! Keep doing it!

[@joebyers297]

Thanks for your response, I hear you! ❤️❤️

[@shaneross7428]

Thank you for your views you've brought me some peace.

[@sewcalmshop]

Wow, this is so helpful. I just got done watching the Shiny Happy People documentary about the Duggars and was shocked at how many parts of my life qere directly a part of that "training" to pull me away from developing an internal authority, as a single parent who works for themself, I guess Ive had a lot of courage, even though I still often want someone to do me if Im right or wrong, thank you for the idea to answer with three answers, Im going to try that out 💙

[@Sonna-pq2zx]

Super helpful, thank you so much!

[@ShatteredRippleBooks]

Really helpful video I'm realising that I do this. So now I can prevent it from happening.

[@finnrasmussen8153]

Hi. Thank you for sharing this video about your insight you have learned.

[@taylordottie5858]

This video popped up at exactly the right time!

[@mimiwilliams8918]

I’m still working on it. Thank you for this video!

[@makiananas]

Thank you very much Angel 💜

[@AngelDeSantis]

You are so welcome :)

[@strangelitgirl]

Thank you again ❤️

[@AngelDeSantis]

Thank you :)

[@BrianForTheWin]

Hard to express how much I needed to find your channel today. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your wisdom and inspiration. Immensely empowering.

[@AngelDeSantis]

I'm so glad you found it ! I hope you find it helpful.

[@coyote9789]

One thing that I am doing is removing all the bibles and religious paraphernalia from my house and my life. I kept returning to the bible trying to figure out what I thought of all it. Trying to make sense of it. Turns out, there is no making sense of it. It's simply toxic and abusive, and returning to the bible was returning to the scene of the crime over and over and over again. Re-traumatizing, and needed to break the cycle.

[@gazkishere4921]

very good, such an important narrative about becoming adult, cults are selling family and growth but never want you to self actualise

[@AngelDeSantis]

Exactly!

[@daveadams1767]

This year I am seeing transformation as I look inside for my guide... Thankyou this is a compassionate clip of content Angel🙏

[@AngelDeSantis]

Thank you Dave! And I'm so glad you are looking inside for your guide!! Well done, all the magic and possibilities are inside of you!

[@lucijamajic3470]

Thank you for this🧡

[@AngelDeSantis]

You're welcome! Thank you for being here.

[@flissday1390]

Thank you Angel your videos are so helpful

[@AngelDeSantis]

You are welcome :)

[@chynnaurl]

I really sympathize with you and people who have delt with religious trauma. I had delt with it a little bit but not too deep. I had realized the reason why people get so deep into religion is because it something that they are not forgiving in themselves.

[@emilianolopez4289]

Ot was very helpful

[@emilianolopez4289]

The problem is we are bound to each other in society, they made us depend from one another by military force, so what we want to do gets limited to a greater among by what the majority want.

[@madebyreuben3402]

You are so good at this, i was just thinking about this earlier in the week

[@AngelDeSantis]

Thank you! I do my best!

[@thoughtsonredbudhill]

This is so me. More so two years ago than now.

[@js7un165]

Off topic question. I read an article on advice for marriage and it said, "Have a partner that shares your beliefs on faith." I have a hard time with this one because I don't know where I'm at, old, new, or in between. I don't think I'll mix well with anyone. It's not just an idle question. This concept was drilled into me from an early age as the most important thing you could do, or it's a big disappointment.

[@devidaughter7782]

oh great question! I hope you are continuing to LOVE the Question, to love and listen to the truth you find within yourself! when I was 21 I was dating a man who was training to be a pastor. I just KNEW I had too much unresolved inner conflict with xty, that I couldn't go straight into being a pastor's wife! we broke up, and I did one of the most courageous things of my life: I gave myself permission to stop going to church unless/ until it REALLY felt right for me (I've never returned to being a church-goer). for years I've been 'moving around' in my spirituality, and my dating choices reflect this. I dated a confirmed atheist and this was good mental challenge for me (but spiritually I felt something missing in our relationship). so I guess what I'm saying is that we attract people at similar levels to where we are at, and this isn't a bad or good thing. having a series of relationships helps us grow, and we keep finding someone at a new level (or 'place' to be less hierarchical). so I just wish for you to embrace the journey, trust that your innermost self has reasons for who you are romantically drawn to, and allow yourself to keep exploring what is true for you!

[@terriesteve]

Thanks, I enjoyed the video.

[@AngelDeSantis]

Thank you!

[@W3ltschmertz]

I didn't ask for a life in the first place.

[@Doris-jk4re]

This. 💯

[@nomadicrecovery1586]

yep

[@emilianolopez4289]

The worse financial advice out there is the one of a priest.

[@michaeljhanousek290]

Agree

[@kohlbukenberger4193]

Thanks

[@AngelDeSantis]

Thank you ! Appreciate you always watching 🙏🏼

[@kohlbukenberger4193]

Its been def a rocky year...but there has been progress and the videos help alot

[@7Pxndx7]

How do I get rid of the “holy spirit”? These people prayed multiple times for me and something in me always felt off and like it’s weird and now I need this thing to go away.

[@DiegoZee]

❤

[@amandalahman8522]

I actually feel really confused about everything. Sometimes i ask myself if i should leave, or is love enough to stay in a relationship. Im 42 but feel i dont really have a say so over my life cause it would look that im dishonoring my husband. Or if i wear make up or have my nails done than im a jezebel. Or if i dont wear a hair covering than im just being a bad influence on my children. Idk sometimes its a bit too much to handle.

[@user-lo4wl6wd7f]

We make excellent employees, we work ourselves into the ground.

[@rubypanterra.]

🖤

[@esha9216]

Lol according to Christianity, you're not supposed to listen to yourself. The heart is deceitful etc. etc. and you're supposed to look out for God's voice and instructions. And whenever I've been in really difficult situations or certain dilemmas (as someone raised in the Christian religion and indoctrinated), I tried to listen to and hear God's voice and figure out what he would want me to do, and I found myself more perplexed, confused, and very depressed. This is because I didn't get any clear answers from this invisible being, and the Christians I talked to just made it my fault and told me that I lacked faith or didn't know how to discern God's voice. It's all been very painful to say in the least. Relying on God for the important decisions in my life hasn't turned out very well for me. God himself doesn't seem very reliable in general. And all that's happening is more damage to my mental health. Yet making that decision to leave is sooo difficult 😔😞😔.

[@fikamonster2564]

Listened to this video just now I dont know exactly how to process the information, its kinda… scary? Overwhelming? Im 27, autistic and adhd guy, and (realized lately) gay. I grew up in the mormon church. I slove my larents but i also feel that the church/my envirement wasnt the best for my neurodiversity, and lgbtq angst is a whole can of beans. Im not sure i can believe in “you allready have everything you need to know to make a choice” Trying to process this video

[@ayeshawali3208]

I wanted to ask my friend what her thoughts were on this video, just as the video ended…

[@karostrand]

I do suffer from religious trauma

[@sumiben5211]

I love your videos, I am an ex muslim and as you might know Islam controls every small aspect of the life of a Muslim, (eat with your right hand, clean your butt with your left hand, wear this don’t wear that, enter the toilet with your left feet, don’t let your nails become long, love the prophet more than anyone else including your parents and children …….and a non ending list of controlling and manipulative things) I had a very hard time deciding to change my job even though I hated my previous job just because my manipulative father was not okay with me staying in a foreign country ( I am glad I didn’t listen to him since apostasy in Islam is punished by death, something that he believes in) My family doesn’t know that I am an ex muslim but they always talk and bring religion into our conversations which is very very triggering for me. In addition I still see in my dreams my father trying to kill me even tough I live thousands of kilometers away from them. I am safe and I know that the best solution for me is to come out and end all this nonsense but still something is stopping and blocking me, I feel constantly stuck because of that, and I feel an inability to live my life and advance with it. Recently, Whenever the feelings of being stuck become more overwhelming to me, I feel a constant pain in my chest, day and night especially before going to sleep, and I don’t even understand what this is. I am afraid I am going to harm myself and my health for not taking the decision of coming out as soon as possible.

[@salkashoura4928]

Sorry to hear your story, have you tried therapy like councilling or psychotherapy to work through this? It helps to share the burden with someome and to process it

[@vladimirofsvalbard9477]

Thank you for sharing your story :)

[@sumiben5211]

@@salkashoura4928 I have tried and things were advancing but my therapist left after a little while the country and then I got busy with my work. I guess I should do and try again, when I wrote that comment I was feeling very very bad. These feelings come and go like waves. Sometimes I feel I am healed, others I feel as if I am in big deep hole, but I guess that I will never find peace as long as I am hiding my whole identity of being a lesbian and an ex muslim as if I am committing a crime by being what I am. There is a dilemma that you don’t want your old parents to feel devastated since this would be a huge shock to them, but at the same time I can’t find peace within the current situation. It is a big dilemma.

[@7Pxndx7]

Updates?

[@sumiben5211]

@@7Pxndx7still living in the dilemma. It has been almost 4 years that I have been living like this.

[@cynthiasarah4286]

Do you have a video you can point me too.. about my son at 26 decided to join a cult 2 years ago, he has cut off my grandchildren in isolation, I am not allowed to even Skype them anymore. I wouldn't follow him into the cult, because of this, he uses my pain of him hiding my granddaughters from me as control and abuse. I think something happened during a military deployment, he went Coo Coo 2 years ago. He has them in Muslim clothing and he's supposed Y Christian, I have hired an attorney for supervised visitation as a grandmother I have Tobe able to see what's going on, so my grandchildren don't end up in the places your viewers are in. I guess I'm asking, would you have wished your grandmother who wasn't in the cult to rescue you??

[@justbeyoualways8210]

Addiction is poison

[@rizmacadillac]

A lot of words. If a church threatened to blacklist your father so he could not earn money and threatened to blacklist you so you could never earn money would you consider that to be "trauma?" Personally, I believe there is something weird and wrong about taking a vow of Poverty so you can help the poor. Everyone taking a vow of Poverty to help the poor sounds like insanity as well as trauma.

[@ashleytheseeker8480]

I had to stop cleaning to listen to this. In islam, asking ansnseeking permission to do anything id basicslly the premise of the religion especially for women. We have to ask the husband permission to divorce him, if you want to do something you have to make istikhara salah to ask allah to help you make a decision or you look in the quran and sunnah to see if its even permissable to do anything. I havent told my dad i left islam yet and im holding on to having his permission to really live free. Im almost 40yo religion is the real hell and mental torment