Retrospect

Another oldie! I found this one in the vault while trying to tidy up a bit. I decided to avoid polishing this one too much, though admittedly I'm not 100% sure why. Part of me wants to say it's for some "noble purpose" of showing old stuff in its "original state", but it's still not in its original state; I added a vinyl filter over things and swapped out a virtual instrument, for example. On the other hand, as much as I'd like to attribute it to laziness, I think that'd be dishonest, too.
I guess the best way to describe the desire might actually be... I didn't want it to be polished? I mean, it's charming in its own way, just as it is. It uses the same chord sequence, it has a steady percussion line, there isn't much for dynamics in individual phrases... but is that really a bad thing?
If you'll allow me my soap box, I guess I'm getting a little tired of trying to make hyper-polished, hyper-clean things, and I'm tired of waiting to post them until they reach some arbitrary threshold of "good enough." We're living in an era that feels as though it's driven by immense, immaculate output. Hopefully the irony of working in an entirely digital environment won't weaken my words too much, but I'm learning I want to make things that are human. Genuine. I want to sing and not worry about how many cents off-key I am, and I don't want to feel like I have to use melodyne or autotune to fix it. I want to experiment with different time signatures or keys or instruments and not be worried about reception like I was with Soulstice Curse (which -- thank you all for treating that one with such overwhelming support!)
I suppose the TL:DR is, I don't want to have to try to appease an ambiguous "Everyone Audience," nor an algorithm nobody could ever hope to understand. Art - in all its forms, be it visual, auditory, or other - is personal. And if you allow it to simply Be, it poses an interesting, unique bridge for connection between the artist and the individual.
Please don't misunderstand, I still intend to pour everything I am into the things I create. I just don't want to strip away the flaws in the futile pursuit of perfection.
Thank you for your time, and for reading this far. I truly hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. May your tomorrow be ever-kinder.
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Title: Retrospect
Artist: Zahdernia
Year: 2018 (February 21)
Time Signature: 6/4 @ 150BPM (I wish I could tell you why it was in 6/4 and not 6/8 in-program, but I'm pretty sure it's effectively the same thing in this song.)
- - 🎵 - -
Illustration by Zahdernia.
Song produced in FL Studio.
Virtual Instruments: Model D Piano & FLStudio's built-in virtual instruments
Also made use of the Izotope Vinyl plug-in for this one. Real nice static in there!
Parts of the video were made with FL Studio ZGameEditor Visualizer plugin.
Effect Author Credits:
➢ Combustible Voronoi - Shane (converted by Youlean & StevenM) www.shadertoy.com/view/4tlSzl
➢ Linear - StevenM,Dubswitcher,Youlean
➢ fLuids - Jph Wacheski jph_wacheski.itch.io/
Edited in DaVinci Resolve.

[@somnumvenator]

Thank you! I really enjoyed it! God bless you.

[@zahdernia]

I'm so, so glad! 💖Thank you for your kind words, I truly hope your week treats you wonderfully!

[@Westcoastblackpowder]

I sit here, on a barge off the coast of BC enjoying my lunch watching the waves roll by with a lovely tune ❤

[@zahdernia]

@@Westcoastblackpowder Hopefully the song has helped make it an extra tasty lunch! 😎

[@WizardofMousely]

OHH this is so lovely 🥺💖

[@zahdernia]

Thankuuu!!!

[@williamthetigerknight383]

Another wonderful song Leibean. Can't wait for the next one :D

[@zahdernia]

Thank you so much!!! 💖

[@-Flamin-Fox-]

You deserve more, you’re good and I’m glad you make music

[@zahdernia]

Oh my gosh, thank you so much! That's so incredibly kind of you to say!! 💖 I hope I continue to make music you enjoy! ^^

[@ninthetomato]

This feels like dancing with my past self You were right to not modify it too much This truly feels like a proper retrospective that way Doing something for the masses is nice But by trying to polish it too much and the primary material will eventually vanish Doing something so intricate and personal is far better for both the creator and the listener I mainly listen to music because this is a way for me to feel a lot, to create with more passion With it I can channel my emotions, let my mind float and think about whatever I like the fact that my algorithm recommends me musics that aren't well known Only little gems for passionate

[@zahdernia]

Thank you so, so much for your comment! 💖This has given me a lot to think about. On the one hand, it feels like there's an expectation to over-polish and overproduce. In this digital era, there's "no excuse" to have a sour note or a miscounted rhythm. I'm sure I'm not the only artist who feels this pressure... but I absolutely agree with you. The pursuit of perfection leads to the human element being lost. I'm learning I'd rather be human, flawed and vulnerable. At least then, maybe I can feel a little bit more connected to our world and the people we share it with. After all, isn't that what art - what *life* - is for? I'll admit, I was really nervous posting this song, but all the kind words I've been given - including yours - have made me a little less fearful of sharing more stuff like this. I'm selfishly thankful that your algorithm caught my song and shared it with you, and even more thankful that you were willing to take the time to leave this comment. Your words are some I think I've needed to hear for quite a while, and I will treasure them. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May this week treat you with the utmost kindness, and best of luck to you on your own creative endeavours! 💖

[@ninthetomato]

This expectation is kinda flawed in my opinion, just by having access to internet it lead to perfectionism, lack of self esteem, competition, more stereotypes, etc So to me over polishing and getting into that fast-food way of consuming kinda fuel this machinery The public will compare everything together and the creators will try to compete with the main industry products to get the satisfaction expected That is a circle in which you just continuously perpetuate stereotypes and already existing way of expressing themselves Because for perfectionism to work you need a perfect goal to attain With that goal in mind you'll probably modify an artwork to make it fit the rules, try to impress with a nice background or technical music piece That's why I prefer niche music or content, or even independent games and animation Because the people who worked on them put their souls into it, making it accurate to what they wanted to tell, and not to the standards And also because you can't compare them, they are unique Our work cannot be reproduced, replaced nor perfected, because we are the only ones capable of doing it, so no one before us A few weeks prior I got lucky too and got recommended a nice song, with like nearly no views, and it was amazing A totally different dance of emotions, and just like that the person just restrained it because it wasn't polished for them Luckily I still have the song now but it was really to show that a song can really change someone's day without even the artist behind knowing Art is so flexible and succeeding while following society's standards won't get you far, so why not having fun and making the most unique and personal work you could ever show It will be messy but by only wanting to write something perfect you end up doing nothing I've also been struggling with comparing myself to other people and they all told me that they just liked what I was doing And I also allowed myself to just chill, not be constantly repeating myself to finish a piece or to be productive I also need to experience a normal life to feel good, write pertinent things and talk about the world in general So I'll just continue doing what I can to bring this to life and maybe more people will be thrilled to share that view at the world with me That's kinda my view for now on this matter I'm happy I could make you realize how much your gift can give to others Sorry for the big text again I just thought out loud ( I'm panicking ) I wish you a nice week as well, I hope to see more of what you'll create in the future And that you'll find a place comfortable for you in this huge artistic world

[@zahdernia]

​@@ninthetomato - The internet has been both a blessing and a curse. Without it, I likely wouldn't have ever gotten into storytelling, which has since been my true passion throughout my life... but at the same time, the internet has certainly decimated my self-esteem. The restaurant analogy definitely feels relevant, even going beyond the idea of consumption habits: the choice to produce "fast-food", as you've said, offers some (theoretical) launchpad in the form of the franchise, but I'd imagine it's far more fulfilling to begin your own restaurant or cafe, under your own name, with no ties nor loyalty to a faceless corporation. The freedom in choosing your own name, your own decor, your own menu - or, returning to the arts, your own sound, colour schemes, and general self-expression - is invaluable. I understand why there are "rules" to art and music and writing. It's to guide budding creatives on their quest for self-expression, to teach them concepts or better their understanding... but there comes a point where those rules are no longer handrails and are instead crutches, or worse yet, shackles. This might be a little tangential, but it's one of the reasons I get so *frustrated* with videos and blog posts with titles like "10 things ruining your song!" or "5 mistakes you're making right now with your writing!" - for most, or at least for me, ironclad rules have always done more harm than good, particularly when it comes to self-expression. Recently I've been trying to build up the courage to tell people when they've made something I enjoy. I admittedly have a lot of anxiety in general, but I think it's worth lifting up and praising those who are doing what they adore. Even if we should strive to create things for our own sake, it's nice to feel appreciated, or even just feel seen. So much of sharing art feels like screaming into a void and praying that someone hears you. It can be nice to hear something other than the echo of your own voice. It's a shame the artist you found wasn't comfortable enough with the piece to keep it up, I'd be highly interested in listening to it. I hope that someday they find the confidence to share it again, even if it isn't up to their standards. I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with self-comparison, it's a horrible beast to try and tame. I say tame because attempting to defeat that feeling is an exercise in futility. The best we can do is try to restrict our comparisons to being between ourselves and who we were yesterday, which I will admit is far easier said than done, even with the encouragement of those close to us. I have to remind myself often that we are products of our own lives, not the lives of the people we idolise. Our work has value simply in the nature that it is *ours*, and we shouldn't let anyone take that away from us. I really hope that you're able to find your own peace in your work, too, and I hope, if you are ever comfortable enough to share it with the world, that I get to experience it, too. Thank you again for sharing, and please don't feel the need to apologise for your words. Your thoughts and voice are incredibly appreciated and I'm really glad to have gotten the opportunity to read them. I just hope that my wall of responses haven't been too overwhelming; I know I can be pretty wordy when left alone with a keyboard for ten minutes, let alone an hour. I hope I can share more art and music that resonates with you. 💖

[@ninthetomato]

@zahdernia the internet to me have done a lot against the people who uses it But at the same time it's benefits really helped me meet people that I find so interesting It's also a great way to inspire you too by checking the basics, specific artists, new shapes, etc Having multiple small restaurants around yourself is way better in my opinion than one big corporation I always liked the idea of having small communities, more specific ones I'm always stunned to see what the artists around my life could do The thing I don't really like is stereotypes and repetitiveness, rules kinda follows that because for rules to exist you need to have a precise idea of your subject But art has constantly changed its definition over the past decades So rules are really not our priority I'd say Restraining our ways of expressing our emotions with that is really against the idea of us having a different take at the said emotions or having totally new emotions Thos kind of tutorials are often very mean I believe There is a right way to criticize something but the people who do that just do it from personal experience and some criteria that aren't for everyone This isn't really my type of things It could work for a few people that like realism or other already existing practical arts but if you really wanna express yourself and create it's not useful While a lot of people say you need to create for yourself I believe that if you create and post it you want recognition, encouragement or constructive criticism Art is rarely just for you to do but also for people to experience Art has always been done to be shown one day And leaving a comment under one's creation is to me a way to boost them and also to show support for their work It just feels right to say to an indie creator to pursue what they strive for because you like it It could definitely make their day too It's like if you wanted to be given a nice comment why not do the same to others I did get the song in the end so I could definitely show it to you but it might be very different from what you make This person kindly put it back when I asked which is really nice from them I'm still struggling to be happy with my work but the people around me really said things that helped me understand what I was doing to myself I'm starting to get out of this slowly but surely I just need to take my time It's always hard to do but I have the piece now I do share my content but not here, maybe I could show you a bit of what I make too if you want Thanks again too Personally I like lengthy texts, that gives me more info to bounce off of So no worries about that I did the same And I'll wait to see that Take your time to make it at the first place It's more important

[@zahdernia]

@@ninthetomato - I agree. Small, specific communities have always interested me. It's nice when people come together to share the things they love. I'm sure massive everything-communities have their place, too, but I've always found it easier to fit into the little places. I suppose I see what you mean by rules enforcing repetition, though I don't know if I agree with it totally. One of the main takeaways I have from my arts classes in school was that we learn the rules so that we may better execute our ideas, but also so that we may break the same rules in powerful ways. Though, perhaps we shouldn't call them *rules* in the first place, and instead call them *guidelines*. That simple tweak of phrasing could greatly change how many people look at creativity. Narrowing back in on the subject, I am sure there are artists who by-choice never stray from the guidelines given, which I don't think should be devalued purely on that metric. Some artists crave technical accuracy, and that is just as valid as another's desire to abandon accuracy completely. Self-expression comes in many ways, and I agree wholeheartedly that it should be the priority. I, too, find those tutorials rather mean, or at least lacking in general empathy. When it comes to teaching subjective media, there's a huge difference between "this is how *you* do [task]" and "this is how *I* do [task]". I've found, at least in my limited experience, that many people say the first when they mean the second. Everyone's personal experience can be valuable, but to tell someone that there is only one way to create - well, that's far more totalitarian than the guidelines. Some might argue that the case is different in more logical fields, like programming, but even then, there are many ways to write a program. Some are faster, some are slower, some are simple, some are thorough. It's up to the programmer to problem solve and find their personal creative solution. Some people certainly do create for the sake of recognition, but I don't know if I'd attribute it to all creatives. In a way, I suppose it applies to me. I want to create things that make people feel something. But the things I make need to resonate with me, first and foremost; if they don't, I don't think they'd resonate with anyone else. That said, I've created a lot of artwork that was just for me, or just to see if I could do it, that I've later shared because I thought other people might appreciate it, too. But at the same time, my art is like a diary. There's some stuff that I haven't shared that I probably will never share because of that. On the subject of leaving comments and showing support, I wholeheartedly agree. Honestly, I tend to listen to a whole range of things quite different from what I make. Usually I have some sort of post-rock turned on. I'd love to someday make something with similar instrumentation or energy, but I already have a vault of 300 or so work-in-progress songs that I need to get through first... but that's a bit of a tangent, isn't it? ^^; I'm glad they re-uploaded it! It was a really nice thing to listen to and I walked away with a little inspiration. It's good to have people who can help you realise what you're doing. I'm thankful every day for my support network, they help me keep on track and keep from destroying myself in the process. Absolutely take your time. Every step forward is a step towards a better tomorrow, yeah? It's a marathon, not a race. And - hopefully this doesn't sound weird coming from a stranger - but I believe in you! I'd absolutely love to see what you've made, if you're willing to share! No pressure nor stress, it's entirely your choice, but if you are willing, I'd really enjoy that. ^^ I do, too, though it can take me a little while sometimes to get back to... like it did this time. (Sorry!) I really hope we have the opportunity to chat more in the future, whether it's in KZbin comments or through the Discord! :D Best of luck to you on your creative adventures 💖

[@rickedits1908]

Made you look lmao

[@zahdernia]

how dare