RiffTrax: Jack and the Beanstalk (Full FREE Short)

[@HylianFox3]

So the Ogress gives Jack some food, and protects him from her husband, and in return he robs them blind. Good moral lesson.

[@CinnamonGrrlErin1]

A Jack and the Beanstalk story that's *NOT* bookended by a heat exhausted Santa and a demented rabbit mascot with a nervous tic? I say good day, sirs!

[@chillydawgg4354]

Fe fi hur hurr

[@HylianFox3]

Coulda used Milky White to pull Santa's sleigh

[@MichaelBoothofOz2009]

Nor is it a Wizard of Oz rip-off that stars those 2 comedians that did their own versions of horror movies or fight about who plays what on a baseball team.

[@louisdellalucca8969]

Anytime you climb a giant beanstalk without taking the proper precautions, you’re shaking hands with danger. Budew buba do do!

[@hamburgers140]

Remember: Gentle pressure

[@teedup8995]

Why don't they look?

[@EddieHawkinsII]

Chuck Hamlin learned this the hard way…

[@evandavis5223]

Kid sees golden hen: "I'LL STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!"

[@TomMSTie1138]

"Unhand her, Dan Backslide! Unhand her, Dan Backslide! Unhand her, Dan Backslide! Hay, we're in a runt."

[@harvey3rdman464]

@@TomMSTie1138 That's my favorite part. Oh that Chuck Jones!

[@TomMSTie1138]

@@harvey3rdman464 I think my favorite part is the "CON--(sailor walks through)--FOUND THEM!" Damn I gotta go watch that again.😄

[@AROBASPARK]

The Ogre, played by a Burgermeister Stalin.

[@kevinblount7142]

I thought it was the Doorman from the Wizard of Oz.

[@teacher970]

Not NEARLY enough Father Guido Sarducci references nowadays. BRAVO.

[@andyjay729]

I never thought I'd see a cheaper-looking film than Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny that wasn't an ancient educational documentary, but here we are.

[@deandupont5503]

I used to deliver pizza in Berkeley. Plenty of people wanted to pay me with "magic beans."

[@apezilla83]

It's kinda charming that they didn't even bother trying to do giant effects.

[@tremorsfan]

And so, Jack chopped down the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the burglary, trespassing and enticement charges already mentioned. And the poor giant's children didn't have a father anymore. But Jack lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done; which goes to prove you can get away with anything when you're a hero because nobody asks inconvenient questions-Terry Pratchett.

[@EmployeeJoe630]

Jack the Regular Sized Guy Robber

[@nevetszinodas6654]

Father Guido Sarducci? Really? Wow these guys consistently go really deep with the references. I’m impressed.

[@TheCrabError]

As I’ve gotten older I’ve rewatched old MST3K episodes that I saw as a teenager, and I’m constantly blown away by their references to theater, literature, history, etc that definitely went right over my head as a kid.

[@AutieTeleDexBaBrBo]

The thinnest Beanstalk I've ever seen.

[@cartoonjohnstudios]

Y’know, if that kid’s tunic and hat were green, this could make for a possible Legend of Zelda origin story, maybe?

[@sarysa]

I take back my comment in the live chat. A golden goose would only have a minor impact on the economy. It's essentially infertile since the eggs are solid gold. At worst, it'd add maybe 100 geese weight of gold to the suppy, which is a drop in the bucket on a national scale.

[@KairuHakubi]

plus this was a time when gold can't have been all that astronomically valuable, if it was regularly used in coins. I mean yeah getting a gold coin was great if you're poor, but there's no way the rich were going around spending the equivalent of thousand dollar bills, which is what one of those coins would cost now. actually, HALF of one of those coins. and that's on the low end. There's a reason we don't bother with denominations that high. the highest we go is "what a laborer makes in a day" which works out to silver pieces in jesus times, so.. yeah like a hundo, right. in like, 2010s dollars.

[@charliesage7004]

​​​@@KairuHakubiGold coins weren't a common currency despite what many fiction would led you to believe. Silver and copper alloys were.

[@KairuHakubi]

@@charliesage7004 yeah that makes much more sense.

[@glumdrop4672]

0:44 "And one day their cow, Milton Fudge.."

[@stephen3164]

The moral of the story is that if someone scams you, then you should scam someone else much worse. Jack narrowly escaped a man who wanted to put Jack in his mouth. He also escaped the ogre.

[@adamfowler350]

Totally digging the opening "Mary had a little lamb" theme song, having nothing to do with Jack or beanstalks at all.

[@andyjay729]

Yeah, but when *I* try to ask random kids if they want to see my sack full of beans...

[@MeganKoumori]

"If these are really magic beans, then why are you willing to trade them for a dried up old cow instead of using them yourself?" "Uh, LOOK! THE LITTLE MERMAID!" (Grabs cow's leash and runs)

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

5:33 Whoa big slam on quinoa patties out of nowhere.

[@Sedgewise47]

“We now join the “Golda Meier Story,” already in progress!…

[@SomeOrangeCat]

Hard to believe they made one these that makes Barry Mahon's version look like a goddamned masterpiece.

[@viewtiful1doubleokamihand253]

What is it with a theme of strange old men approaching children in the middle of nowhere lately ...?

[@cartoonjohnstudios]

When you make the version from Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny look like the superior version, you’ve REALLY messed up!

[@FlintIronstag23]

It sure didn't look like milk that the old woman poured for Jack. It was probably the ogre's pitcher of Lagavulin.

[@deanolium]

Such a great early performance by Al Pacino as Thievin’ Jack

[@joshuablack8221]

“Shhh, enjoy the music, guys.” 😂😂😂🤣

[@annnichols3091]

I remember one version of the story that whitewashed the stealing by claiming that the giant had stolen that stuff from Jack's late father.

[@jacksullivan4741]

THERE'S THAT SMELL AGAIN

[@bazcar22]

That beanstalk, I mean seriously, a beanstalk with a small boy on it and said beanstalk is skinner than an unfed houseplant. Have these illusionists not thought about gravity?

[@Nawtperfect]

"I've been on Tumblr a lot lately..." 😂

[@Merylstreep1949]

Missed opportunity to riff over that countdown before the feature started

[@srbrant5391]

6:20 - Bob Hoskins as Mr. Creosote in _Battleship Potemkin._

[@weekendmom]

This feels like it should have David Warner in it.

[@HylianFox3]

He could play both Jack and the ogre.

[@daffers2345]

And the narrator too!

[@slowneutron6163]

I was looking for "Jackin' The Beanstalk". I'll let myself out. And please, no one tell my boss.

[@rightwired]

Well if they're worth it, why don't you plant them?!

[@mathieuleader8601]

my headcanon is that the bean salesman is an ancestor of the Barones from Everybody Loves Raymond.

[@notme222]

I never thought about it before, but Jack and the Beanstalk is a really messed-up story. Even by Midieval fairy tale standards. A family has to sell its most valuable posession, so they send a child to do the negotiating. He meets a creepy stranger who promises magic, and it later turns out this guy is telling the truth. When Jack gets home his mom is pissed, understandably. But instead of being sensible like "Well at least we'll eat the beans," or "Go find the guy and trade back", she tosses them. They grow without being buried, but that's fine because magic. Then Jack trespasses, finds a guy who doesn't seem to understand how bread is made, steals from him and kills him. At least Hansel & Gretel or The Little Mermaid have lessons like "The woods are dangerous" or "Don't trust strangers." What moral was this story ever intended to have?

[@ShanRenxin]

And then to top it all off, it also can be read from the perspective of the ogres: if you show charity or decency to anyone, even a starving child, they will interpret that as weakness and rob you blind, maybe even killing your family members! This one always struck me as twisted, even as a kid. I guess Jack being a very young boy would at least explain why he was "tricked" by the old man and puts the impulsive behavior and questionable moral choices in a more understandable (though still bad) light. But boy howdy, in the couple versions of this story I had access to back then, Jack was explicitly stated to be a child, but rather he was a ! Like 17 years old or more!

[@Merylstreep1949]

Ohhhh yeahhhhh Been binge watching MST3K so a new Rifftrax is awesome

[@ROCKaholic]

8:13 I don't even know who Janet Reno is, but that comment sent me.

[@nutherefurlong]

Hope that kid didn't injure himself jumping off like that :P

[@aedwardsss]

If you remove the part where the ogre eats people, this basically just becomes a robbery

[@evandavis5223]

It's still a robbery. The ogre eating people is irrelevant.

[@phoenixlich]

It also seems to be the case that he only eats people who trespass on his property, since he can't get down to where Jack lives when the beanstalk shrinks.

[@jacksullivan4741]

5:39 oh boy gruel and milk how “delicious”

[@MichaelBoothofOz2009]

This film either looks like it was one of the first talkie films or is some russo-finnish film.

[@victotyorvalhalla]

Thank you gentlemen! 🤣🤣🤣

[@jacksullivan4741]

6:06 ogres known for wearing Chinese style clothing and having a Stalin mustache

[@Thesyndicate11111]

Thank you, you guys certainly haven't lost your touch.

[@skeetsmcgrew3282]

Ya know, I don't remember this story feeling quite so much like just a terrible crime committed by a child but I guess that is technically the story

[@srbrant5391]

Was this recorded on a wax cylinder?

[@Popebug]

Parchment, I think.

[@MelindaFrancis-o1l]

Milky white? Is he going "into the woods"? 😅🤓🎶🎶🎶🎧

[@stephen3164]

Was waiting for Little Red, the baker, the witch, the prince, the baker’s wife, Cinderella, the wolf…

[@jackmonaghan8477]

And in walks budget Anton Walbrook, sorry the Ogre.

[@Merylstreep1949]

Still not as good as Setting Up A Room

[@kevinblount7142]

But better than Setting Up THE Room…

[@someguywithaphone5921]

Father Guido Carducci... haaaahaha

[@yuvgotubekidding]

That was pretty raw 😵‍💫

[@KIRA-EL]

Wow the Ogre is a snack! .....wha..was that beanstalk just 2 ft off the ground

[@galloe8933]

Giants are one thing, but evil ogres are another. Rob them blind Jack, they know what they did, and the rooster is now avenged.

[@TheBattlesword]

I can't believe I'm saying this...but I miss the Barry Mahon version. At least that had more effort put into it relatively speaking

[@Merylstreep1949]

That day Jack's moms teats also ran out of milk😂

[@stephen3164]

Wait, is a beanstalk grass?

[@brandonosgood4162]

6:06 Dick Dastardly really let himself go.

[@gamingchinchilla7323]

the giant with his ridiculous mustache and funny dictator-esq outfit really be like: Fee fi fo fum... I REALLY HATE THAT HEDGEHOG! -- most 90s kids may get this.

[@typacsk]

Did Barry Mahon direct this? Edit: oh my god, he actually did make a "Jack and the Beanstalk" movie -- just not this one

[@skug9bob]

Well, that's certainly the cheapest-looking version of Jack and the Beanstalk I've ever seen. Couldn't even afford some plastic fangs for the ogre: I guess they blew their budget on beanstalk effects.

[@PhilBagels]

At about 8:01, you hear something eerily similar to Torgo's theme.

[@edkorian]

Funny enough Glenn Close was in the ads

[@jacksullivan4741]

6:06 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CASTLE

[@mikesilva3868]

Somebody stop me!"😅

[@srbrant5391]

"Been on Tumblr a lot lately..."

[@shanac5536]

What was the moral of the story again!? Run fast after robbing the sky people?

[@trippjohnson7393]

Was this film made by the same people who did The Magic Christmas Tree?

[@TomMSTie1138]

Ew, the old man looks like that creepy Christmas tree!😱

[@diannemose244]

7:27 lies and calls it free range gold he'll get twice as much 😂

[@Spectra651]

I love how they didn't even try to make the ogre look... well, ogrey. He's literally just some dude. I get not having the budget for giant effects, hence swapping him out for an ogre, but ffs, they couldn't even get him a pair of cheap plastic fangs? Or some sort of crazy wig? Or smear SOME kind of makeup on his face to make him look more like a monster? Hell, the *wife* looks more like an ogre than this guy does. Man, the version of this story in 'Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny' is the cheapest, laziest thing I've ever seen and even THEY didn't half-ass it this badly.

[@chillydawgg4354]

It's a metaphor for upward mobility where you start from nothing, do shady back alley deals, move up, & end up rich. No, it's about stealing from the husband whose wife was hiding you from him in her house. Wait, it's a story about old creeps offering pill-like objects to children. What IS the moral of this story again?

[@evandavis5223]

The only way to get rich is by stealing.

[@stephen3164]

If someone steals your cow, steal a chicken. Wait, which did he steal first, the chicken or the egg?

[@PhilChandlerArts]

6:05 Rip Taylor!?

[@sejembalm]

There was some cartoon of a robber baron super-capitalist midget giant who bellowed "Fee fie foe fum, I smell the blood of a middle-class scum!" He got confidence from a magic mirror who showed him to be tall, powerful and adored. Anyone know the title of this?

[@stephen3164]

Ducktails

[@sejembalm]

No,@@stephen3164, this was a short cartoon that looked like something from a 1960s Rocky & Bullwinkle show.

[@ShanRenxin]

It kinda sounds like a "Fractured Fairy Tales" type of thing, but I don't know that that's right

[@TheDavidN]

I don't think that's... how...

[@noahasencio8589]

Hi 👋

[@asareubenwallace4032]

Mary stop

[@jacksullivan4741]

6:25 good try but unless you sing it like Mikey Bloomberg I’m not impressed

[@mjjoe76]

It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s not great either.

[@evandavis5223]

Welcome to Rifftrax.

[@tripaffleck]

so fucking loud. the volume difference between the intro and the short is fucking ridiculous.