S03E09| Not Love: Toxic Relationships

As a country mired in social patriarchy and traditional gender roles, Sri Lanka is still in its infant stages of understanding the psychological aspects of a relationship and generational cycles of narcissistic behavior is rampant in our society.Shanuki speaks to Ayeshah and Hans about their own personal experiences with toxic partners, in an effort to raise awareness about the value of healthy relationships.
We thank this episode's location sponsor Cafe Nuga.
Shhh... is an award-winning Sri Lankan KZbin talkshow for honest and inspiring conversations about tough, taboo subjects. The show is a brainchild of Shanuki de Alwis.
DISCLAIMER: ‘Shhh’ welcomes independent thought. All opinions expressed by the Program Participants are solely their current personal opinions and do not reflect the opinions of the Producers or their respective affiliates. The Program Participants' opinions are based upon information they consider reliable, but neither ‘Shhh’ nor its affiliates, nor the companies with which such participants are affiliated, warrant its completeness or accuracy, and it should not be relied upon as such. Viewers are urged to use their own discernment to draw their own conclusions. We emphasize the importance of keeping an open mind and not misconstruing the data and facts presented in the show.
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[@PinkRoomShashini]

Really valuable conversation. Kudos to people who open up so bravely and share their personal stories to help others releive their griefs. Respect

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@kaveeshaweerasinghe6803]

excellent episode. It's good that you brought in a man's opinion as well Hats off to the gentleman for taking part. Please talk about Toxic parents in your talk show. This is a topic no one talks about and not many are vocal about the trauma their parents out them through because as kids, your are not supposed to complain about parents just because they gave birth to them.

[@Ayeshah28]

Relatable!

[@rukiwijeyasinghe6482]

Yes please toxic parenting goes hand in hand in once future relationships.. hence a good topic to voice it up

[@geomatrix2683]

It is a must to include these topics into school and university syllabuses

[@SKGGG]

Another great discussion. Can’t wait for you to do an episode on toxic parents and step-parents. Children go through a lot of mental and physical abuse at home, especially in Sri Lanka.

[@lherath8658]

A much needed conversation in Sri Lanka! I have witnessed similar relationships within my family which has always made me think about my priorities, needs and decisions for if I ever get into similar situations. It takes a lot to realise and understand what your situation is and thereafter to start mending it. Also great to see a man's perspective. Although it's perceived that only women go through trauma, there are always men in the same situation as well but are not encouraged to talk about it. Hopefully, these sad situations will start dying as we open up for more conversations! Thanks to the team as always. ❤

[@abiramieudayakumar]

Dint know you were going through so much Ms Ayesha.. way back in school I used to think u were so pretty and why you were married so early to a person who looked way older to you... even when you were going through so much, you never failed to keep up the enthusiasm in class.. I use to scold my mom too for being in the kitchen 24/7 as I hate the way my dad used to treat her. I made it clear to my partner before entering the relationship that I am not a woman who will be in the kitchen or sacrifice my goals. I am so thankful for my husband as he supports me with my goals! The partner you choose can break or make you. I have learnt this from strong figures such as Kasthuri Wilson and Ramani Fernando.. All the best with your new found freedom❤️

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@sampathperera7290]

You can achieve your goals .and success your job but you can,t become a good wife as your mother .don,t blame your father without him you can,t see this world.

[@abiramieudayakumar]

@@sampathperera7290 WHo says I cant be a good wife or mom. my capabilities have nothing to do with a man, I dont hate my father, I just hate how he treats my mom

[@tricialoisw.3105]

WOW!!!!!!!! Waited and waited and waited..... finally it was out!!!!!! I can finally relate. Thank you Shanuki for this episode!!!!!!!!!!

[@erangaprasad]

Good programme. Heart goes out to both. Wishing them both the best and healing. I don't understand why parents force children into marriage to a toxic partner or not, hardly a background check on character. Never ask the question, "Is my child ready?" After giving away then turn a blind eye.

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@Kpoori]

Very good conversation. No one should tolerate any kind of mental or physical trauma! Proud of you Ayeshah, for speaking up and breaking free!

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@dandray1925]

Amazing episode! Loved watching every bit of it. Kudos to everyone who took part in this and also for the creator of this content. We all have to have these difficult conversations openly with our partners, sometimes it is sad that we are in a society where these subjects are mere taboo topics to even be discussed. I am very glad that this talk show is happening and you are touching on sensitive areas. This helps raise awareness and a platform to raise our voices.. Best of luck for all your future endeavours ... ❤️

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@tmzthehistorian9639]

I learned a great deal listening to your heart rending story, my mum and I felt terribly proud of you, and we were in tears listening to you speak about the insults hurled at you, the hardships you endured, the struggles you have overcome, forced pregnancies and on how you were prevented from meeting your relatives and attending your brother’s wedding. It was deeply saddening to hear you share your poignant stories and I understand how you must have felt at the time. You story will inspire and change the lives of many people. You have emphasized on how husbands ought to treat their wives with utmost respect, how we should chuck the gender roles into the dustbin of history and that life doesn’t revolve around what society thinks. Fulfilling social norms, and living to other’s expectations are grave mistakes which many of us commit, unknowingly, and you stressed on the importance of individuality, self esteem and on how to remain steadfast in the face of adversity. Through your talk, you have made us all realise that we cannot live to please everyone else, and that we ought to edify, and fulfill our dreams and destiny, rather than wasting our time trying to please the entire world. Thanks Akki for all the advices you shared, and you have no idea on the impact you have left on people. You have braved through tough times, and you are standing tall, as an independent, strong willed, and successful academic and mother. I wish you every success in all your future endeavours and May the blessings of almighty God always be with you. Take care and stay safe.

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@nishuhassim4883]

Thank you for these conversations Shanuki. Ayesha your bravery is amazing and the fact that you have endured so much and yet stand tall is inspiring. Hans I can't tell you just how proud I am of you. Knowing you personally and now realising how much pain you hid behind those goofy smiles breaks my heart. I'm glad you are healing now and taking on your future more positively.

[@wathsie]

Omg , this should not be named toxic relationship and describe it occurs because it’s with someone not compatible with your personality. This is victims of narcissistic personality disorder partners. They drive the breathing air out of you . In Sri Lanka it’s not openly recognized as a mental health issue about personality disorders . Bravo to people that find strength to leave these horrible relationships.

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@isuruabeygunawardana4415]

i think language barrier is the reason lower subscribers in this channel. Good work keep it up.

[@tharindutpk]

Proud of you Ayeshah, for breaking and speaking out 👏

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@rukshiniabeygoonaratne7536]

"You are the woman"! yeah that's what everyone says in this country. 🙄 It all falls on the woman's head and it's always her fault! So relatable!

[@thevuniraju]

This episode shed light on such an important conversation. In awe of you Ms Ayeshah❤️

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@Dasany]

So much respect for Miss Ayesha❤️ - this is a very valuable conversation.

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@ydbn272_92]

Thank you for being brave enough to share your stories. Wishing you healing!

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@shaniBAli-hw6us]

Such a sad state of affairs! If an educated woman with such a strong family background had to endure such abuse, one can only imagine to what extent the uneducated dependent men and women all over have to go through. They have shut themselves up and go through automatic motions sometimes all their lives having placed themselves in an assumed role and never venturing or developing their personal interests and options! I actually stopped and discussed this with my spouse and apologized if I’ve been overbearing. Sometimes I feel I have been molding my family to live up to my standards and they all just conform. I have to be more mindful from now on to let others exercise their will even if it’s your own children and spouse! Thank you for this lesson!🙏👍🏽

[@ShhhTalkshow]

Thank you for sharing this with us. It’s one of the most valuable audience messages we’ve received, to know that our episode can inspire self reflection and an effort to improve!

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@aparnasilva9979]

People who lived with narcissistic men only can understand the trauma. It's very hard for others to understand . Even ur own family think that he or she is the most saint person and other person is mad to complain about

[@aparnasilva9979]

Why don't people directly address this issue other than going around bush and naming as toxic relationship or whatever . It's narcissist syndrome and most of men in this country is suffering with it.

[@Ayeshah28]

Tell me about it!🙏❤️

[@sampathamarasekara9456]

Omg, it’s just three ppl sharing thoughts through their experiences but when read those comments i feel this issue is like Corona 3rd variant , it’s everywhere!, thanks for thanks for talking about us! 😊

[@mrs.Mukthar]

Amazing episode indeed. I admire Ayesha for her courage for bringing up such sensitive issues and Hans for his support to share his side of story. i'm really glad that Shanuki and her team had put their efforts to raise awareness on toxic relationships and narcissism to a society who needs to hear about this more. Hoping to hear more from this...All the best...

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@sheron_kitchilan]

Good job, superb content. Small suggestion : Sound quality was a bit crippled.. If that's also fixed this is a superb content altogether. Keep going

[@ShhhTalkshow]

Thank you. Yes we are working on getting better sound equipment.

[@shrir.amarasinghe1575]

Thank you for the amazing discussion y'all. It takes so much courage to share your stories and thank you for your bravery as that helps a lot of others out there.

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@apu705]

Thank you for this topic! And hats off to the guests for talking about their experiences... sometimes people who are going through this kind of trauma don't realise that there is actually a way out... or that they need to recognise that they don't need to suffer through this... they just feel stuck and trapped and hopeless... there is always a way... somehow... I personally haven't gone through anything like this... honestly I think my eyes opened at the correct time and I dodged a bullet like this. But in our Asian culture, there is a lot of stigma about being single (Specially for 30+ age group) and about being separated... so people stay in these relationships because (a) at least I have someone and (b) what will people say... People don't live your life... and being single is better than being in a bad toxic relationship

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@sameshadesilva3773]

This is so relatable. Great content. Can you do something to the background noise? I think it can be edited out.

[@wonderingwanderer6782]

My heart goes out to these people. I hope they both recover and live lives full of love. Hate the fact that this poor lady is still suffering while her abusive ex-husband is probably doing well and sees nothing wrong with his behavior. Also, when she said forced pregnancy, does that mean rape?

[@chamax101]

Job well done yet again Shanuki ❤️ Spot on about the notion that women should check on their partners to make them feel that you care ..

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@amilasandaruwan7583]

Another toxic thing is blackmailing one's partner with the threat of suicide. I have seen both men and women do this just because one can't talk through a situation/problem or they feel like the relationship is a race and they are losing or something like that. Most of them categorize this as a drama in the relationship and I think it's torture. I'm not talking about the real trauma or situation that puts a person on a path of suicide (For that I think we should help eachother). I am talking about people who use suicide threat as a weapon in a relationship. Please correct me if im wrong.

[@Ayeshah28]

Agree. It is indeed mental torure.

[@THILAA]

this is a healing experience watching these vidoes. THANK YOU !

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@Indisphere]

Talk about a toxic relationship... man do I have a story to share... I get goose bumps and shivers just thinking about it... my lawyer actually asked me to make a short movie about it as it was that intense and dramatic... keep up the good work 👏🏼

[@ShhhTalkshow]

We’d love for you to write out your experience on our blog (you can even do it anonymously if you are uncomfortable). www.shhhthetalkshow.wordpress.com

[@charindiranasinghe737]

Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to her story all too well, and this video has given me courage to change the circumstances!

[@Ayeshah28]

That is one of the main intentions of this Episode.🙏❤️

[@upulprathap7900]

Excellent conversation, Kudos to all those who speak up. Well done Shanuki for the Show , Bravo !

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@rebelmermaidqueen]

an extremely relatable and very important topic. glad this was brought up ❤️

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@swinifernando1733]

Bravo. I needed this. Good job Shanuki.

[@pib9954]

I think this episode or this same matter should be re-created in සිංහල language.

[@keshkaru3444]

Wow. Ayesha ❤️ your talking ma story in fullest. The only dif is that ur free and I’m still in that shit pond. Sooo proud of u guys and sooo thankful for talking about this n try to educate the youth. Keep up the good work. Love u nanga.

[@ShhhTalkshow]

We hope you find your own healing. Please do reach out if you need to be connected to counselors or legal help.

[@Ayeshah28]

Please reach out for help and get the hell out of it.Its worth all the effort!Trust me!You can do this!❤️

[@nethmielime]

16:00 that sounds like reactive abuse. Abusers tend to get a “rise” or “reaction” out of who they’re abusing, after which they’ll blame them for that reaction. Very common thing seen in narcissists, according to my personal research/experience. The worst part about it all is, everything is so “insidious”. Coming to terms with it all after a breakup is really difficult because “they were so nice, no way this person actually meant all that”. Reality is, no they weren’t nice, they were toxic af. Not even therapists can fix narcissists so best thing is to leave and never stay in touch. It’s hard to leave especially if you’re trauma bonded, but it’s the only way out. Although the funny thing is, most of the time, you don’t realise this when you’re IN the relationship, only when you’re out 🙃 Edit: omg just watched the whole thing. Both experiences sounds so intense and traumatic. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Wish you healing 💚

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@udanijayalath3330]

First like... Wowwww... Greattt content.. Thank youuu....

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@shaanweerasekara4678]

If you do in sinhala, it will be most valuable for srilankan peoples.

[@ShhhTalkshow]

At the moment, we don’t have the resources or capacity to create Sinhala episodes on all our topics. For now you can switch on the Sinhala subtitles to follow the conversation in Sinhala.

[@vimukthiwickramasingha]

Good documentry... If you have a Twitter account, join it if you can ... so you can share this idea with more people... please

[@Itz_Sajoodi]

Useful content 😍 keep doing the great work! Good Luck

[@ericistanbul2973]

If someone makes you feel guilty for his/her mistakes, it’s not narcissism, it’s gaslighting

[@Ayeshah28]

Gaslighting is been more manipulative while narcissism is about being ego-centric. Both are toxic traits in abusive relationships.

[@jpisaac85]

Thank you for the great episode. Couldn't hear Hans clearly for the first few minutes. It'd be great if you could fix the audio/mic issues.

[@ShhhTalkshow]

We apologize for the audio issues. It’s something that ails us frequently due to limitations in budget and equipment. However we have provided subtitles to improve the understanding of the conversation and we hope it helps.

[@tharindukuruppu432]

Wow Thanks for the video. Really helpful 👍

[@rabiabasher2485]

love you so much Shanuki huge fan

[@DileepaPerera]

This is a great topic to talk about to bring awareness to people

[@Ayeshah28]

That's the whole intention here too.🙏❤️

[@amaalfernando3907]

Great Content as always !

[@rameezfawzy]

3rd Comment, waiting for your vlogs. Love from KSA. Keep it up you good work.

[@benuriwickramarathne5443]

Amazing conversation as per usual ♥️

[@salindasandaruwan1872]

Wowww amazing attitude Ayesha... we don't need kids anymore... we want a better place for current living beings..

[@Ayeshah28]

It's all about the choices we make and if we are in a relationship, it has to always be in a win-win situation. No one has the right to enforce on us what to do and what not to do with our lives.🙏

[@vindhyafernando6325]

Thank you for this .

[@sajinisenaratne7935]

Great topics like this should be talked a lot!👌👌👌👍 Thank you!!!🙏🙏🙏❤

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@maryamsaif1173]

Excellent episode. Shanuki, I've a question to you. Why are most of your male guests named Hans😂

[@ShhhTalkshow]

Hahah good one. Perhaps because the ones named Hans speak out more! 😂

[@hussainanoordeen5754]

You are a trail blazer Shanuki. 💯💯💯💪🏼

[@shali1990]

Brilliant discussion!

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@geomatrix2683]

Wow.I was waiting

[@brendaleecastillo3379]

Hi there, it's my first time watching ur programme and I'm so interested about your subjects "not love; toxic relationships " I simply relates to that because I have a sri Lankan boyfriend who has narcissism and over power attitude applied on me,like in first 4 months he was very sweet,always asking were I'm going after my office works, what's agenda in weekends,like sweet caring and I like the way he cares me but then a months after he suddenly changed, he became suspicious, jealous, distrust me for unreasonable reason that causes me to justify my self which he couldn't accept it at all and then he starts saying false words and accusing me that I am sleeping with other man, drinking with other man, that I am bla bla bla without any proof , so then I said why I could do that while you are my boyfriend, why I have to accept the blame which I didn't do at all,why your accusing me, why you can't believe me, I am saying the truth I said but still his egoism trickster me and gets so angry with me and so I said this guy has attitude, he can't overcome his malicious mind, he won't listened my explanation and leaving unsettled confrontation with me all the time so I said to myself " Why he has bad temper always, moody, anger and I sometimes I can't please him?" My questions is does he experienced a toxic relationships, dumped him causing him a lot of traumatic experience that he couldn't overcome at all?he didn't heal yet while his with me?? Lots of questioned in my mind about him that I never outspoken about it because I am waiting for the right time and opportunity to come along with this unpredictable pandemic ends so my love affections with him is hung and unconditionally prejudice till we meet personally! I personally thank you for this program because I got a knowledge how you guys address your love to a women and man! Well I'm here in Dubai admiringly your program and more power stay safe and shout out to my love Keith.i wish he could listened very well and figure out who the trustworthy women and accepted him as he his! He should hardly noticed that, cheers all of you, bravo and CIO, God bless your program.... ❤

[@Ayeshah28]

Hope you will be able to work it out with him by openly discussing things that trigger your relationship if he has the mental capacity and maturity to do so and make a wise decision to preserve your sanity and peace of mind.Stay safe!Cheers!🙏❤️

[@brendaleecastillo3379]

Hi Ayeshah I am glad hearing you’re thoughts on us, i hope 🤞🏻he’s capable off. Cheerrss god bless

[@abeyshe1021]

I remember Ayesha from school days. Always thought she was a strong character to look upto.

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@ishinisaparamadu799]

Thank you for this brilliant discussion

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@sachiniseneviratne]

Love this ❤️

[@abeyshe1021]

Hans I remember you from church days and man you have come a long way. mature stuff!

[@jaynade2248]

Great content. I was familiar with Gentleman's face on men's wear ad campaign on Facebook. Didn't know his name. Hans Nathan Koch

[@laknakularathne9143]

Great content!

[@ahalyaperera7713]

Ayesha is closely related to Umara and Umaria Sinhawansha right?

[@Ayeshah28]

Yes. They are both my Cousins. :)

[@kumarirathnaveera4688]

Salute you strong woman!

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@princymala1953]

Major conselling and reconciliation required across our society, it has merely become a corporate world and values of FAMILY life has drained from us..

[@Ayeshah28]

Counselling and reconciliation to get back together in an abusive environment?Value of Family Life can be decided and inculcated ONLY if both the partners have the same compatibility and mutual understanding irrespective of individual differences and preferences. Social education, decorum and respect for others should top before seeking counselling and reconciliation.

[@anshalakaluarachchi2387]

Love this..❤️😊❤️😊

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@theknottednutz5114]

One of the best conversations, ❤️❤️❤️

[@Ayeshah28]

🙏❤️

[@jajausa3997]

Most are not even when everythin the posses... Most often it may sexual unsatisfatiriness...it has a different aspects...sexuality is of many aspects..not just intercourse... Best communication is the most important. If someone is not good in communication, his all features fail...

[@ganindunanayakkara8970]

Love it! (Y)

[@deshanidewmini5963]

❤❤

[@sampathperera7290]

Actually this is not a huge problem if you following a buddhism .it has all solves how to spend happy family life.

[@sagarikamalki652]

Do elaborate your comment Cz thats line makes no sense

[@ydbn272_92]

As a Buddhist I’m embarrassed by this low key but obvious holier-than-thou nonsense

[@yuhanperera1032]

Oh I remember her from school, she was the worst teacher I’ve ever had...

[@ericistanbul2973]

Whom are you referring to?

[@Ayeshah28]

@@ydbn272_92 Thank you for your sensible and kind words. I was the worst teacher ONLY for him out of thousands of my former students (whom I have taught and mentored and who are all doing very well across the globe and most of whom are still in touch with me), simply because I debadged him from a position he held in his College for being rude and mannerless to a professional educationst like me. Some of these students from prominent Boys Colleges think no end of themselves and have a high-horse attitude thinking that they know it all and have climbed the peak of a mountain when they get their Prefectships or a certain position in one of the Clubs and Societies. I have done it all and more in my own College and Uni both academically and extra-curricular-wise which is how and why I have gained the emotional maturity and understanding to handle rare hooligans like him despite my challenges in my personal life. Nevetheless, his younger Brother has proved that he is a better gentleman in every aspect, hopefully. That was a lesson for him and the rest of the College Boys to think twice next time before they try to outsmart any professional and qualified educationists. Just because others will tolerate their nonsensical behaviour simply because their whole generation of men have been Old Boys and if they do not know to show respect from the minor Staff to the most Senior Staff Member, I will not tolerate any of them nor take any shit from anyone. Period!

[@sandunsenaratne5454]

Don't make long videos Make it partial

[@pravferna4481]

What is this guy's name?

[@a.lathanhini9836]

Haha I am also searching for that…

[@pravferna4481]

@@a.lathanhini9836 👍👍

[@Hashi48]

😁😁😁😁

[@acommonman7950]

Privileged

[@ydbn272_92]

True, but that doesn’t mean the pain they discuss here is less valid. Let the conversation start here and trickle down to the less-privileged. (It’s unfortunate but that’s sadly how things work.)

[@nirowitch9512]

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

[@ambrosesuresh]

Sinhala subs are totally wrong & what the point of trying to pass these messages. in Tamil you guys have added proper subs and but from Sinhala it's auto-translate. before you guys talk about people's psychology & just make sure you guys alright with your psychology. if the world sees what you guys doing as Sri Lankans they would smile from their ass so make sure these important topics are going to everyone all over the country since 99 % present doesn't speak English. please be professional

[@ShhhTalkshow]

We’re not a professional outfit and we work with limited resources and a volunteer crew. The Sinhala subtitles are not ready yet and will be uploaded when our translator has finished. Your patience is appreciated.

[@kanishkagavinkadevasurendr572]

There are always two sides to a story and this is only one. These two people seem to be just complaining and they themselves are so toxic for even being on this show and running their ex’s down to the ground. Yes they were wronged but sitting around and running down people who can’t really share their side of the story is not exactly healthy. they both could be making their lives so much more amazing and all relationships aren’t in fact a bed of roses ever😂🤡. What personally I see are two individuals who refusing to admit that they too could be wrong in this and they seem to be blaming everyone else around them their exes and their parents. I mean, these are grown adults who claim to have so much going on in their lives. I mean make something of your selves and go on to be better human beings and examples to your children.

[@Ayeshah28]

If you did listen to what I said carefully, I did say that I have my positives and negatives. This is NOT running down another person, this is educating people on some of the aspects of toxic relationships. Of course, no relationship is perfect. I think you should listen to what I have discussed one more time and reflect upon that without passing your two-pence judgment.

[@wathsie]

Lack of empathy for what others feel is big red flag of narcissistic personality. Ur ringing all the bells!! Victims of abuse have a right to speak their truth ! We don’t need to hear the abuses side of the story ! Cos abusers are always perfect , they done nothing wrong .

[@Ayeshah28]

@@wathsie You nailed it, right!🙏❤️

[@nilenda2032]

@@Ayeshah28 well said.

[@nilenda2032]

Wow , it shows your lack of empathy and ignorance .