Melissa Boutilier // Survivor Stories: Melissa

#benzowithdrawal #healing #deprescribing
To learn more about Angie Peacock, MSW or to book a consultation or coaching session, visit: www.angiepeacock.com
I was prescribed an SSRI antidepressant in 2011 after I lost my job and felt depressed. I never needed it. I could have never imagined that taking it would become the biggest regret of my life. The drug "worked" for the first couple of years in that I did not experience depressive feelings anymore or any anxiety either, really. I felt invincible, although I developed side effects like weight gain, sexual dysfunction, and further down the road, a severe drinking problem, which I didn't find out until much later can be a side effect of these drugs.
Fast forward to April 2018...I ran into financial hardship and needed to cut out every expense that wasn't life or death. I didn't feel like the drug was making me feel as well as it had in the early years so I talked to my doctor about tapering. He tapered me in 4 weeks after 7 years of use. I quickly developed symptoms after stopping the drug, but never attributed it to a withdrawal syndrome, since I didn't know one existed for antidepressants.
I suffered from physical and mental symptoms for 2.5 years and decided I must just be mentally ill, even though I wasn't mentally ill before taking the drugs. I reinstated my antidepressant at a very low dose in October 2020. I developed akathisia. Then I was polydrugged on more antidepressants, antipsychotics, and eventually a Benzo. The Benzo was the only drug that helped, everything else made my symptoms worse. Then, after 3 weeks of daily Benzo use, I developed paradoxical reactions to it.
I was in and out of the hospital at this point with extreme mental torment, akathisia and full-body involuntary movements, as well as a laundry list of other symptoms. I of course was put in the psych ward, where they attempted to give me even more drugs than the 8 I had already tried. I finally realized the drugs were the problem all along, so I left the hospital completely unmedicated and decided I would recover from this hell no matter what.
After months of debilitating suffering, I finally found doctors who properly diagnosed me with benzo withdrawal, akathisia and an involuntary movement disorder. I was placed on disability and I spent the majority of my time taking the best care of myself that I possibly could, avoiding any and all pharmaceuticals, resting when possible and forming a tight-knit video chat support group with other sufferers. I got pregnant at 7 months off, after having less than a 5% chance of conceiving naturally. My daughter gave me the desire to fight for my life even more. At 21 months off, I started to see the light and my suffering slowly began to decrease. I am now 30 months off, working again part-time, being a Mom full time and sharing my story with others to give them hope when it seems like there is none. If I can save even one person from this nightmare, it's all worth it.
You can learn more about Melissa and her story on her KZbin Channel: / @melissadawncoaching

[@crookedrain771]

These two woman are SO important..

[@stardustring]

Yup, I went to hospital too. I had mini panic attack. My Dr wasn't pushing them on me . He said" up to you" I said I'm not hundred percent sure because I felt that my anxiety was situational anxiety ,all I had to do is fix problem. Anyway I went home got my sleep felt much better and the next day. Dr called, i told him I would not be taking the medication , he said " no problem it's up to you" I told him what I need is therapy. He said " I will right a referral to the counselor" I started therapy right away, I liked it , unfortunately I never threw medication away. It was my husband that kept pressuring me, made biggest mistake just like Melissa said.

[@eleanahanelly6462]

my two favorite ladies!

[@Jwks91]

Great interview, Melissa has given me tremendous support as I was also pregnant with these horrible symptoms. She is a blessing and it’s great to see her so much better.

[@marti13798]

Wow! You are describing my personal story/ journey down to a tee. 12 years on xanax, other drugs somewhere in between, multiply withdrawals and finally 16 months in recovery. I feel healing progress every single day and I'm almost back to my old self. I'm still left with chemical sensitivity to drugs, supplements, foods and with autoimmune issues but overall life is good. In a way I'm so grateful for this horrible INHUMANE suffering because it truly shaped me into a stronger, better person. Have given me a clarity of mind and soul, which I believe can only be achieved through great deal of suffering, soul searching and faith in God. It's a lonely journey but we are in this together. Thank you ladies for this wonderful podcast, best wishes 💞

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Thanks for watching! I’m so proud of YOU for sticking this out too!

[@marti13798]

​@AngiePeacockMSW your presence helped tremendously! Thank you and please keep fighting the good fight ❤

[@naomi8097]

@@marti13798did you make any diet changes to help heal?

[@sarahmkate84]

This gives me hope going through withdrawal 5 months

[@marti13798]

@sarahmkate84 Please, don't give up! This nightmare will end one day and you will come out on the other side, I promise. There is a good life waiting for you after psychiatric drugs, your body, brain and nervous system will heal to a great extent. Enough to give you a sense of your own self again. Best of luck my friend 🧡

[@semidor1]

The image of heart cells comes to mind. They beat separately but if they touch they will join and beat together! Yes, you need to find people who are stable, kind, supportive and want the best for you. Good company! A support network that is real and sincere.

[@pikkuoo]

Great conversation thank you! ❤ My symptoms were very similar to Melissa's, the feeling of all-encompassing terror, akathisia, the exploding head and constricting stomach muscles. I absolutely believe my husbands healthy nervous system saved my life, well he did that in so many ways. It's hard to even imagine anyone living alone in that state. I'm ten months off today! 🎉 Doing fine, maybe 80% and that's a lot. I realised while listening that I lost the anhedonia this summer and I hadn't noticed, or rather I had forgotten I even had it. Hugs from Finland! ❤❤❤

[@djammer]

How are you feeling now

[@djammer]

?

[@pikkuoo]

@@djammer Sorry, I didn't see your question, thanks for asking! I'm doing really well. My stress tolerance is not that great, but when I get dysregulated, it only lasts hours. I've even forgotten most of my symptoms already. ❤️

[@djammer]

That’s amazing, what drugs were you on?

[@pikkuoo]

@@djammer I was on D**zepam for 20 years, but luckily not on anything else except the occasional z-drug for insomnia. How are you doing?

[@susanmorgan4151]

Oh thank you Angie for mentioning " inner akathisia " !!! I struggle with this 24--7. Sleep is hard. Daily living is hard....going on 10 months off Paxil after over 20 years on.❤

[@Snowflake1374]

Same. 15 years on zoloft. 10 months off. Severe. How are you now? ❤️

[@Sarahpreecenelsonnz]

Thank you both, Angie and Melissa for this amazing conversation. I relate to so much of what you have said, (including the determination to survive so as not to be beaten by big pharma/med corp and all of the gaslighting). I am so grateful for your survival and for your willingness to share the wisdom and insight gained from the ways you found through the horrendous, devastating injury, to the other side. I really appreciated your talking about your experience of the helpfulness of being around people with regulated nervous systems. And what it must have taken for you Angie to go to school and put yourself out there while you were dealing with all of the symptoms you had at the time. This was a new insight for me. Thank you. Thank you for finding ways to talk about things that are frequently ineffable, due to the inadequate and misleading language e.g. withdrawal' (versus neurological damage) and 'addiction' (!). The language issue reminds me of the word 'Exulansis' from a book called 'The Dictionary of obscure Sorrows'. Exculansis is defined as: "the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it". Thank you for not giving up! For those of us who can relate. It was wonderful to hear you describe your ability to experience joy again, in dew on the grass, in the heart-lifting pleasure of recent good company. I am waiting hopefully for my anhedonia to melt. So that I can feel pleasure in the simplest of things again. Like I used to feel, before I was injured, when I'd wake up on a Sunday morning. I can understand why you say it is even better, and more cherished than it ever was before. It makes me think of 'Chrysalism': the amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm. (also from the aforementioned dictionary). those kind of beautiful feelings. (I am 3+ years since completed taper: Serotonin Syndrome, Akathisia, and BIND)

[@rebeccamays8675]

Finally I’ve found someone who experienced such severe symptoms as I did . My life was completely destroyed by klonipin, and 12 years after cold turkey I still suffer some symptoms every day. No one should have to go through such an inhumane experience.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Can you share what is left for you and how well you are functioning now? Saying 12 years without explaining that scares my clients and audience. Thanks so much.

[@djammer]

Symptoms?

[@stardustring]

That's feeling down life stresser. I was fine, came home happy, hope, laughing, joking, having great emotions. Because I had fixed the things that were giving me anxiety. Then next day may husband tell me to take medication,he came out it right close to my face. I was like "no no no please that's not what I need " long story short. Messed me up now fighting for life.

[@ashleychristie5023]

At almost 7 months off and still struggling especially with the horrific mental akathisia and other mental symptoms, this part hit me the hardest: “I’ve had these thoughts in my head for so long, my brain’s not going to forget them. They’re wired together.” I’ve said this SO MANY TIMES to my partner and other people - that I can’t remember how my brain used to work normally and that it will never go back to normal because it’s been broken like this for so long now. Thank you for sharing - it’s been tough to connect with others who have the intense and constant mental overstimulation and constant thoughts. Many have intrusive thoughts sometimes, but mine are constant. Like every single usually subconscious thought is now conscious. The reassurance that it will go away one day means so much. 💜

[@djammer]

You will heal

[@ashleychristie5023]

I’m now at 11 months and still dealing with really awful symptoms. I just hope the worst ones go away soon. Almost one year of having akathisia, dpdr, etc is just horrific.

[@djammer]

@@ashleychristie5023 you will heal

[@djammer]

How’re you doing now?

[@susanmorgan4151]

I feel you!

[@carolinecroft7029]

These interviews are so helpful and give hope ❤

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

More coming!

[@stardustring]

Its awful when people don't believe me.

[@stardustring]

Yes even if you take it for short amount of time. I took it 3 days paxil said to myself " what am i doing" i stopped and felt ill off weird . No body believed that it was the drug.

[@karenrehm9423]

Thank you ladies 🙏 Spiritual death is a side effects of psych meds etc

[@stardustring]

Yup

[@McStorch0]

Btw. It’s called exploding head syndrome (the gun sound in your head). Had it once. Super scary.

[@vikasgupta1828]

Thanks

[@joyjoanne23]

Y’all are absolutely amazing!! Thank you for share your stories!! What are your eating lifestyles?

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

I eat low carb paleo usually.

[@MsMary414]

Amazing! I’m looking to make an appointment. I’m struggling severely. I have Aka (pretty much all mental aka). Will be in touch. Thank you both so much. ❤❤

[@madelynhernandez7453]

What are windows and waves?. How do I go about making my own support group. I have severe severe existential fear and that fuels everything. My mental symptoms are horrific. I often bend over too and I cant be in a car, I just need to get out even if the car is moving. I have a feeling of escaping. Omg. I know a poor guy who is in horrific place and his family threw him out until he takes his meds. It is the cruelest to do to someone. Ive lost many friends to that l, they dont want to hear me anymore, they think im mentally ill and I need meds and they refuse to be near me until I take the meds they think I need. I feel so horrific guys I came and edited after getting multiple panic attacks. Omg. It is so hard for me to look forward or even believe in healing because of the existential fear. Like how if I am stuck in existence. 😢😢😢😢

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

You will get through this!

[@madelynhernandez7453]

@@AngiePeacockMSW thanks. It keeps being hell.

[@MarcusLiewFilms]

hey i’m exactly going through this now. existence feels so scary and unreal and horrifying. noticing my own consciousness also freaks me out. i understand how you feel. but it is really all just anxiety, as frightening as the feeling might be. i hope you’re better now. i’ve noticed some improvements in this negative thinking over time. stay hopeful.

[@sarahmkate84]

How are you doing now?

[@stardustring]

Yes you were never suicidal at all , then after drugs you become suicidal and your life is put in very dangerous ground

[@Snowflake1374]

@@stardustring Exactly, same here. Never had suicidal thoughts before. It came long term use when I got reaction probably tolerant. During taper and mostly when off. SSRIs are dangerous.

[@7crabwalk11]

“No humane, human, humanness!” The human person is always subject never object taught JPII. True.

[@reginastone7223]

God work 🙏🏽

[@semidor1]

No side effects - they are direct effects.

[@shan4145]

i heard when your bliss than you are high on life. along those lines

[@Blu6556]

What was the hospital that just let you sign out of ama like that?? I have never heard of any psych ward in the USA that would allow that without holding you until they get a court order. It’s almost unbelievable.

[@Blu6556]

I do believe you. I’m just shocked.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

I signed out AMA once from a psych ward- there were a number of incidents that happened on the ward that traumatized me and they knew it did and I told them I was leaving and they let me. They were probably scared of a lawsuit.

[@Jwks91]

I was wondering if any of med harmed people have ever had what I have. It might be some form of akathisia, not sure. I don’t really get the terror or panic apart from some adrenaline surges once in a while but not much. No urge to move or pace. But I am terribly out of it, uncomfortable as hell. It feels like being low level electrocuted. I feel tense with this, but moving is a no go, because this feeling paralyses me. It’s like a deep burning/itching/tickling deep in my nerves. I want to get rid of the sensation real bad. When it starts burning it feels like deep bone pain even, when I move it becomes really bad. I also get buzzing and vibrations but not all at the same time. The electric feeling is the worst. It’s like I can feel electricity from my spinal cord. Down my butt, in lower back, upper back, back of head. It changes places and intensity. Hard to describe. I also get overstimulated and when that hits I feel like I am going to have some seizure or jolts. Like I am about to get fried. Like some energy is trying to shoot through me. It feels toxic like acid in veins almost. Sometimes like deep electric nervy almost toothache in my body. Dp/dr hits when it’s bad. I also get weak like I am in slow motion. Need to be as still as possible. I was originally harmed by fq antibiotic, then psych meds and was recovering well until I was given a hormonal drug in Aug 22, I then got pregnant, had to take an antibiotic and had an emergency c-section with a lot of meds. I was very bad between November and March and in April I started feeling a lot better, had my baby at the end of May, May and June were very good and then in July it started getting bad again. I am still getting worse. It’s a nightmare. If anyone knows what I am talking about please reach out!

[@reemhamouri9633]

Omg I have exactly like your symptoms tickling how long did u have it

[@reemhamouri9633]

U are the only person who describe my symptoms

[@reemhamouri9633]

If you want I will text u on fb

[@Jwks91]

@@reemhamouri9633 I have had it to some extent for a year but I have waves when it gets pretty bad. The last two weeks it hasn’t been too bad but the month before that it was awful. All the symptoms I described above.

[@Snowflake1374]

I have the same symptoms. Cant move around. Electrical, burning, toxic. In head, neck, back, upper body. Nightmare. Off zoloft long term use.

[@McStorch0]

How can I get an Akathisia card?

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Google the akathisia alliance and it’s on their website. More will be offered soon on other websites.

[@boplo1]

@@AngiePeacockMSW I tried the website. No card. Only bracelets and shirts.

[@Waves353]

@@boplo1I also couldn’t find the card