Silencing/Denying Your Pain (Starts

Topic starts 16:10
Betrayal trauma and betrayal trauma blindness (Jennifer Freyd et al.) in BTT (Betrayal Trauma Theory)
When you cannot or are not allowed to express your experience of trauma and abuse, breach of trust, negative emotions, and profound betrayal by someone you depend on in any crucial way.
Such denial and repression lead to dissociation and a host of long-term mental health disorders.
Tests and treatments are reviewed.
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[@xandermansmom1]

One of the many narcissists that was formerly in my life invalidated my emotions, as narcissists do, and made everything about him. A lot of gaslighting, verbal abuse, pushing me to the point of exhaustion and anger until I would erupt emotionally, which is exactly what he wanted so he could play the victim. I woke up and left this person but the trauma remains.

[@lisamarie62525]

Sounds like my relationship with my ex-husband.

[@msunderstanding3198]

Me too.

[@clementinerodrigues8030]

This is a beautiful lesson: 1.Invalidating others pain by statistics is bad advice ! 2. Accepting ones pain is a sign of self confidence nd contributes to healing. 3. Suppression of emotion is pathology. 4. Enduring pain leads to trauma nd trauma leads to dysfunction. 5. Dependency enables betrayal trauma. 6. Healthy children split mommy into good & bad, narcs dont, they split self ! 7. Disassociation helps to keep the attachment by blinding to trauma. 8. Betrayal of trust, in times of need and dependence is betrayal trauma. 9. When you are betrayed, your assumptious world collapses and building it again is tough. 10. If trauma does not have conscious knowledge, it still manifests. 11. Betrayal trauma leads to addictive behaviours. ♡ ure description of a narc cycle ♡

[@jenniferb3200]

wow betrayed at a time of great need...totally destroyed me.

[@kylegattuso9150]

Thank you again. You have opened my eyes , I'm beginning to see how my abusive mother prepared me to be blind in my 47 year marriage of constant betrayal, abuse & adultery. But my eyes are opening!

[@mikewolff2432]

The decisively known to me but ignored betrayals of my ex wife (with NPD, ex-prostitute, cocain abuse over several years) during her pregnancy made it possible for me to stay in the marriage to be there to protect our son. Now that we are divorced (gladly she went to a different country) my son and me are healing. But... now I really experience PTSD phases of anger and hatred, like the abuse took place yesterday. It's sometimes like a thought triggers a purposedly forgotten memory and makes me feel bad and insecure for maybe an hour. But I completely know where it's coming from and know how to deal with it. I am human and have the right to feel it now, so it can finally fade into the past. I acknowledge it, but I decide to not let it have a place in my soul anymore. Thank you for the brilliant explanation, Sir.

[@catsalive9572]

38:38 "When caregivers violate you they destroy your assumptive world and impair your ability to repair the assumptive world". Such a powerful statement!

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

I was betrayed several times by my mother throughout my childhood. After each betrayal she would return and pick up our relationship exactly where it left off prior to the betrayal as if it never happened. She has total amnesia of most of these events. She even would try to subconsciously convince me that it never happened by asking me "why are you upset with me" as if she didn't know. Perhaps she really did block it out of her own memory. Who knows.

[@wannabe8487]

She is a reptile.

[@wannabe8487]

@@paraguayaenalaska730 thank you...

[@dw1-norskgaming923]

THAT, I recognize!!! My mother did exactly the same.. What IS that?!

[@Itsmeyoualreadykno]

My dad was like that yet he was allowed to shame torment and mentally and physically abuse me at the slightest mistake. Oh I was the scapegoat child by the way! I was the only person in my house who had the guts to say he wasn’t right and this kind of abuse especially mental was not normal.

[@dw1-norskgaming923]

@@Itsmeyoualreadykno Glad You are a strong woman. I was scapegoat, gone 50years, still am. It is hard to be a object of hate, with no good reason for it. Blessings

[@adrianataffuri8507]

Your analogy to the sail boat blew me away! Was quite sad , and as much as I am disgusted and devastated over the abuse I endured by the narcissist. I felt for a fee seconds some pity for the pathetic soul. But the trauma so deep the hate came up again. So hard to get over narcissistic abuse. Having trouble ever trusting again.

[@carolehibbert7304]

10 years later and I'm still affected by the repeated betrayals of my ex narc husband.

[@theonlyjoshow]

Same. It’s been 10 years since the breakup of our 5 year relationship and i feel like i haven’t healed one bit. I’ve just learned to cope, not think about it and keep going. I’m

[@age93]

@@marywhite3970 100% agree. I find the toughest part to overcoming childhood trauma and it’s effects is the judgmental and invalidating attitude from society. “Everyone has a bad childhood at some point. Get over it. Stop using your childhood as an excuse. You’re an adult now.”

[@michigan1085]

I agree... my god the sailboat analogy! Wow, picking up drowning, damaged people. He just sails on, knowing that sooner or later she'll get out of the boat. I got out of his boat too. I wanted to stay but his lack of intimacy was too painful 💔

[@zima3181]

THANK YOU! Finally someone spoke up about this. I am not a cryer, but, damn, do I want to just punch a person saying "smile" to me. I am not your effing comfort blankie to appease you with my face expression. Also, often it sounds short of victim blaming, when you are told to not express how someone's mistreatment made you feel hurt. Pretty equal to telling a rape victim "well, you shouldn't have worn a short skirt -no wonder this happened".

[@agiejones7651]

🙏🙏🙏🙌👌💯🤗

[@kavemanv.3052]

Thank you , a 50 year old man, that just had a wake up call after Fathers death, that my Mother is a narcissist as well as my sister. Their true behaviors were demonstrated during a traumatic experience in my life. Thank you again for helping me see what I have been going thru my hole life. The true black goat . That has gone no contact since last year.

[@katemichaels2215]

Sounds like another I know. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending you strength and healing energy. Great you finally see it. Sometimes death brings out a lot of terror for people and they behavior their worst. Perhaps after some years they could shift. On the other hand, isn't it interesting that the character of your father perhaps kept some of the destructive behavior focused in a way that there was a protection for you, even though there was this pain under the radar for all these years. Sending you hope and peace during the loss of your father

[@dw1-norskgaming923]

I just wanted to say, that You have my support. .. try to find the beautiful things in life, and take care. You can do it.

[@jane9469]

❤ much love to you

[@toniraeatchley525]

I'm sorry for your loss. Going no contact take courage. I have noticed other narcissist in my life friends lovers. I'm educating myself so I'm not attracted and recognize it. I have noticed for me my body can sense this behavior too. I let him go I love him I cannot do this roller-coaster too heartbreaking. I choose healing like you. Sending healing and happiness to you.

[@nerisakidd296]

@@Johannastairwellstudio Hi Johanna, I hope you have found someone to talk to when you have your challenging times. I've felt the same but I was lucky a couple of extended family and two good friends gave me space to cry and talk. You can contact me if you need someone to talk to.

[@cveta4]

This is the most validating video I have ever watched, the missing piece! I have been perplexed in my communication when I have been honest in my feelings it seems it is a threat and shameful in the other. I have failed to integrate that the other is uncomfortable with emotions and authenticity I have now come to understand that authenticity actually triggers insecurity and jealousy in the other which they hit at then mimic. I have also denied betrayal as it was my normal from childhood, which created a blind spot I forgot, denied, and disassociated all the pain and developed a tough exterior only to realize when I emotionally fell apart that pain equals wound and became aware that I could no longer deny it nad started expressing it , thou al the years of inflicted pain i was blind to the betrayals and infliction and unable to connect you hit it hurts

[@anitastinson6268]

Thank you.

[@agiejones7651]

Hearing you 💯🙌🙏

[@harima36]

I thank you for your wisdom for yourself and for your sharing it with us

[@uriahdante5982]

I know Im asking the wrong place but does anybody know of a way to log back into an Instagram account? I stupidly lost the login password. I would appreciate any help you can give me!

[@callennathanael2957]

@Uriah Dante instablaster =)

[@Xpand2infinity]

What an incredibly powerful discourse. I have not heard anyone explain these mechanisms in this way, I really see this as the missing piece to the "silent scream" experienced by so many caught in the trauma vortex. Thank you Sam.

[@kaylaschroeder1]

"Silent scream..." Wow. Yes.

[@nikkishaye9385]

Finally one of those questions I’ve been wanting to know for years is answered around 23:00! Those that are blind to their partners blantant cheating on them. On the other hand, this video is brilliant and answeres the real questions that have haunted my soul since 5 when my dad told me it was my job as his daughter to be his therapist. Not even touching on Mom...It’s a miracle that I’m out of the hospital and alive, let’s just say. Everyone have a blessed day ✨ Betrayal Trauma Theory, I’m on it, Doc!🙏🏼 This video is blowing my mind, it’s no wonder I have been diagnosed with over 10 different conditions in the DSM over my lifetime ranging from schizophrenia on down the line. My mind is blown and this is being saved to listen to over again and again to absorb all this. I finally went no contact with my father a month ago and one day I literally felt a dark energy (that’s all I will say, for it was very profound and I haven’t the adequate words) leave me and I knew what it was. You are a godsend Dr. Sam V. ✨

[@adrianataffuri8507]

Congratulations!!

[@nikkishaye9385]

@@adrianataffuri8507 🙏🏼thank you. Still not easy by any means, but it’s a pain I’m willing to endure to recover from the edge of insanity.

[@nikkishaye9385]

@@Johannastairwellstudio thank you sweet soul 💞

[@evka24]

Sending u love and healing ❤️

[@nikkishaye9385]

@@evka24 right back at ya! 🙌🏼💜🙏🏼

[@Canaday291]

My children and I were forced to suppress our feelings and emotions by the malignant narcissist ex husband who Would invalidate and weaponize them against us by bullying belittling berating Triangulating and eventually discarding or abandoning us

[@toniraeatchley525]

I have been thinking feeling analysising. I feel depressed because I let him go. I feel miserable when he is around. I do have support that I'm grateful. I like your teaching style. You have defined words to how he acts. We were together 17 yrs off and on, more on. It gets worse this behavior. He takes a pill to wake and a pill to sleep and still has problems sleeping. He dissociates gaslight ghosts white lies. He flirted with a friend in front of me, that was the end for me. Everytime I needed him he's gone. He picked Mother over me. I survived, I thrived, I am financial independent, I see his jealousy. I love what we had along time ago it cannot be recaptured. We do come from narcissist parents. I must be dealing with my trauma. I have answers now and life experience of why they are what they are. Ok. I gray rock family some friends I show less interest in these heartbreaking people and pray for their healing too. Thank Mr. Vakinin appreciate your service healing the World.

[@livinggrace4148]

Explained my life perfectly. Betrayal from parents and then from the narcissistic partner since 14 years old. I finally have woken up at 43. Wow! Much love ❤thank you for your work 😊

[@deniseluker373]

Dr S, this video feels like the last remaining piece to the puzzle. Which has led to self analysis of a deeper nature. The understanding of betrayal trauma you have given me, feels like the final key. After following your videos for 3 years, after 16 years with an NPD husband and a life time with an NPD mother , I realise in full reality. I am free. Clarity has been heightened into the illness of an NPD, and also the self awareness of our role in the 'dance macabre' and allowing it to progress, until we are spent of health, wealth and spirit. I now feel fully armed with knowledge and self esteem, as I venture back out into the world as a close to a 'whole human being' as I can possibly be after this journey from hell to heaven. Thankyou.

[@janandbrian]

Anyone who does not see the value + truth of the information you share is not consulting their frontal cortex. You already know that. Thx for what you do

[@kelleyb227]

This video is eye opening. My SO told me “you must not have been too afraid if you stuck around to be abused for so long.” That comment haunted me.

[@kamalalove6083]

I would argue that whether or not one’s survival depends on an abuser is rooted in perception. Therefore what a therapist (looking in from the outside) might conclude are trauma bonds may indeed be betrayal bonds, as a victim who has been abused enough over time could have such diminished self esteem that she truly believes her survival depends on the abuser, even if in fact she could survive on her own from an objective standpoint.

[@agiejones7651]

💯👌🙏🙏🙏

[@theneonarzist139]

"The old - like children - talk to themselves, for they have reached that hopeless wisdom of experience which knows that though one were to cry it in the streets to multitudes, or whisper it in the kiss to one's beloved, the only ears that can ever hear one's secrets are one's own!"....what a wise man he was. But i guess not the quote we are looking for...:)

[@chillinnotavillain9773]

God hears, sees and replies try it :)

[@theneonarzist139]

@@chillinnotavillain9773 I went to god just to see....and I was looking at me..... :-)

[@gisella1350]

Thank you for explaining so much in clear and understandable descriptive language. The man I loved didn't exist. I saw the fantasy man. I couldn't understand why he behaved the way he did, no empathy at all, especially toward our two children. I am in my 70's now, if this kind of information had been available back then, things may have been very different. Thank you for bearing your soul, narcissist or not, you are a good man, I am sure that you will help a lot of people, once again, thank you, you have made things clear.

[@GL1TCHG4MING]

Professor Vaknin, just want to share that I ***thoroughly*** enjoy your videos! PLEASE keep them coming!! I've been watching/listening for a couple years now, and at present I'm devouring them, because the information you impart is helping me understand and navigate my confusion and painful relationship. I really enjoy your wit and sense of humor, I love that you sip either a glass of wine or sip from Minnie Mouse in your videos, and looong videos? The longer, the better! The information is typically so helpful and insightful, that if it's a topic I'm interested in learning more about and have a practical need to understand? YES, the longer the better-- MORE info, please! :D

[@gandalfthegray7425]

“Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid of love, I who love love?.. Why was I born without a skin, O God, that I must wear armor in order to touch or to be touched?” ― Eugene O'Neill, The Great God Brown and Other Plays “As for me, I am mean: that means that I need the suffering of others to exist. A flame. A flame in their hearts. When I am all alone, I am extinguished.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit i know its a year late professor vaknin. hope this answers the riddle

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

Often times this betrayal is done by friends/family when they get around people they wish to impress. For example, my mother would behave loving and act proud of me until a family vacation was planned and then would try to convince my father that I should not be included in the trip with them and my brothers. She would begin looking for every reason not to include me and even threatening that "if my behavior did not improve" that I would not be included. Fortunately, my father did not buy it, as my behavior was simply the same as it had been before the trip was announced and was no worse than my older brothers. I was lovable to her only in private, but when visiting family friends she would always see me as an aspect of hers to hide. Similar to the way you use makeup to cover blemishes when going to a fancy outing. I was the blemish and needed to be covered up.

[@katp7124]

I am absolutely fascinated with this topic. I am currently researching this topic for a college essay and find this channel the best I've ever come across

[@UnexpectedAmy]

This video is a great adjunct to a recent one about how we must come to trust again. These nuggets of wisdom are each like puzzle pieces to see the full picture of truths we try to deny. Healing can't be a painless process, so these deep challenges are appreciated as ever!

[@UnexpectedAmy]

@@kristenmarie9248 That sounds like a grim way to live. Trust is necessary. Sam has great videos on why!

[@rando9574]

this and other videos on your channel have been the best help in actually validating my trauma, betrayal trauma, and cptsd

[@kaylaschroeder1]

This is one of my favorites, so far. I think I've said that same sentence commenting on a Sam Vaknin video at least 4x now. Like others have mentioned here: this information fits so many more puzzles pieces together across the spectrum of this work and study. I can't believe how resonant it all is. But it makes the most sense, regarding betrayal. F*ing crazy.

[@slimdusty6328]

Thank you Sam for introducing me to theory of betrayal trauma. As an ex cult member i feel as if i may relate to things discussed within this video. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us

[@thatosegopolo9072]

I just think this man is brilliant, how does he do it? He just has it period, truly golden.

[@evecharazi6547]

Instutional betrayal 😳. I went through that. It puts scary to 100 ... I never heard this term before. (With pain in my heart) Thank you.

[@tracey-white8660]

Mr. Vaknin, it’s 3am on the East Coast and I can’t sleep again. I hope you see this and maybe you can understand how your sailboat looks to me- how I see the boat when I’m almost completely out of oxygen and sunburnt and the kind, warm stranger who is you pulls me out. I am so relieved that he saved my life, and for awhile I think he is God himself. We share so much and I see the stranger’s eyes full of hope and he was so amazing that I loved myself for the first time!! I feel like I am alive and a beauty and perfect from the reflection of his sunglasses. But oh, no sooner than I see that I do love myself, and he may love me as well, because after all he did choose me to pull onto the boat!! Immediately, not a moment sooner than I get my first hit of the self love pipe, he pulls off his sunglasses to reveal angry, cold eyes, and tells me to at once get back into the waters that I had hours before almost drowned in, and I cling to him, pleading why?! Why?!! What did I do wrong besides adore you, and why are you making me go back into the water?? The next thing I know is he shoves me back into the crippling cold water and is gone with the wind, and since it happened with several other boats, and sailors, I am sobbing feeling that I can’t do it again, and I hold my breath and dive down to the depths of the sea, knowing I don’t have the energy to wait for another boat and I am unworthy to be in the presence of such an amazing sailor ever again. 😰

[@tracey-white8660]

@@BryanSalyersXD this wasn't a dream, it was a reaction to his story about his experience on the sailboat. It is the victim, or codependent's version of how it feels.

[@lelenapeacock4210]

I am an intractable pain patient, and denial of my condition by the medical system is the NORM...not at all considered wrong or unethical. THANK YOU SO MUCH for this important talk. It can & will save lives. 🙏🙏💜💜

[@masha5444]

Brilliant sense of humor

[@vickirio]

Hahahaaaa I was going to say that Sam Vaknin Should be a comedian. This set is hilarious! Bravo!🤣🤣🤣

[@tieryfol9018]

So sad description it made me cry so much.

[@ol7079]

The first 5minutes of this video : yes, 💯, someone please explain it to my sister, who has a masters degree in denial of my trauma, turning me into statistics and blaming me for thinking about my trauma, for not “changing my thoughts” and claiming that I am responsible for my ptsd because I just won’t switch off my thinking and forget it all that happened ( and is still happening because I am not even out of the woods yet) And we are talking about 20 year’s of wasted life , domestic violence and small child in the middle, and she wants me to just “forget”. And refuses to talk about it, and tells me i am disrespectful of her feelings when i dare to share with her, while i am all shaken up some episode that just happened to me days ago, she says I am not paying attention to her feelings because I am stressing her out by being shaken and distressed while i talk about my trauma. And mind you, she leads very comfortable stress free life, but she can’t spare a tiny bit of empathy for me, who on the contrary has been through sheer hell and still is in hell

[@triciayoung8687]

Whoever said that has some personal reason and now that I’m discrediting their experience, but I know The things you’re speaking of is pretty close to spot on as it can get because there’s no way that you would know these intricate details of my marriage… i’m talking a little nuances that I thought nobody knew and yet and many of your talks it’s a good apparent that research has led you to the determinations of certain behaviors, traits of a narcissist and his/her partner. Yes I’m seeing a therapist I’m on my fourth one because the topic of narcissistic abuse is so under informed at least here in the Midwest anyway. People throw the terms around loosely, but actually having no idea what it really means. Every single Word that comes out of your mouth is 100% to a T what happened. And that is the only thing that gives me hope as I start to go into videos about recovery after this horrific 6 year nightmare, which I was groomed into, and by the way the last want to know as I loved him and I would’ve went to any counselor with him I would’ve tried anything under the sun or in the sun or anywhere to stay with them even knowing what I know now, but, that was not the case, I was not included on the memo and I did not know extent of his inability to self-scrutinize and/or have any obligatory feelings towards me at all until Just recently. I was discarded 16 months ago, And when I say discarded I mean discarded. End the subject. It was strategic and well planned. He crippled me in every way, and every area of my life my kids, my family, my friends, my church, my job, my livelihood, my finances, my stability, my independence, integrity, my sexuality. I was in management and independent prior to meeting him I lost my job a year ago I haven’t work since I’ve lost everything kids the house is in foreclosure my car repossessed and all I’ve done is sit in my house and ruminate over and over and over again how I could’ve made it different, how somebody could take a very love I had for him and use it against me, if I had a fear of abandonment before now I know exactly what it’s like to live it breed it eat it sleep with it wake up with it every single day all day. I was codependent prior and I have been diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder, OCD and just like he says my symptoms mirror borderline personality disorder to a T and I didn’t have anything but the codependency prior to meeting him. They say that the stuff is treatable will see how can you treat something you don’t even know what it is people are just so unfamiliar, I myself have even heard of the word gaslighting until three years into the marriage… but I’d like to add one step further in one of his videos touches on it’s not even gaslighting they really think it went down that way some of the times and that is very true sometimes he would seem so perplexed by the things I would say and how I saw them, he was the welder stopping for just a second to question his memory at one point I questioned if he had dual personality disorder that no I did not he’s narcissist and a sociopath, Abused as a child by his mother.. Prolonged grief, I did 4 funerals and 4 years prior to meeting my husband, losing my brother, my mother, father, and my daughters dad. With him for 6 years, And then believe it or not seven months after being discarded my only remaining sibling was dx’d w H&N ca, And would die just four months later. This was by far the most difficult lost for me, After all he and I stood together taking care of the family members who had died before him, oh within 90 days of dx, Which believe me I consider a blessing. It’s been three months since his dad and now just recognize the 13th anniversary of our oldest brother’s death. Along with 6 yrs With the Narc, I don’t believe my brain even makes dub mean, and I sure have made enough cortisol I most likely have a heart condition but I’m still hanging on somehow because I continue to watch your videos and although I don’t like other people suffering it does make me feel a little bit better to know that this happened to other people and that people are moving on and getting back on their feet… Unless you’ve been through this I find it very difficult to believe that you can really understand how fucked up it truly is. You said all these things we can heal from except one thing that won’t change you’ll never trust again or have empathy again the way you did before and I believe you’re right. If anyone did actually read all this thank you, And again I cannot reiterate enough that the things this professor is saying, I assure you it is 100% accurate and it is debilitating, Exhausting I never ceasing, there’s no happy endings, The underdog does not come in score at the end… I’m grateful for your work and your videos. Thank you

[@shiloh7344]

Aloha🌺 I am so sorry for the loss of your loved ones and the pervasiveness of the destruction you have endured. I found Vaknin's channel about a month ago, the concept of narcissism is new to me. It describes a man I left years ago, who continues his vindictive rage. Sadly, his mother had beaten and berated him throughout his childhood, he may very likely have NPD. I can see how love and hurt could be viscerally intertwined in his mind and body. As you have, I must watch him destroy every facet of my life, almost complete annihilation. Before him, I had married a wonderful man, who was my best friend. My late husband died of cancer, but I would take the loss again, for the time we shared. There is deep grief and pain with so much loss. As I wait for the storm to pass, I have time for deep reflection. There will come a time when I can hull away the wreckage and build again, with greater self knowledge. I love to read, it is my most commonly used coping mechanism. I highly recommend for you to read the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, she identified the basic cycle of grief. Another great book is 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl, he was a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust. I also love the poetry of Kahlil Gibran. You are treading a difficult path, may you find moments of joy, as you travel and greater meaning with each passing day. You are in my prayers🕊

[@kristen9827]

Thank you for posting this… I’m so sorry for all you have been through, & I can relate. It’s hell and so difficult to get through.. but I’m trying. I feel like I’m surrounded by narcissists.. they’re everywhere and it’s frightening now that I can recognize it. .. Authenticity, kindness and insight seems to be fading away.. it’s very sad and concerning.

[@aleksander4711]

It took me 20 years to even be able to acknowledge what happend.

[@aliasbelias2674]

A question for Dr. Sam Vaknin and everybody else: Have you seen the movie "Who's afraid of Alice Miller"? She is the author of "The Drama of the Gifted Child." I'm reading the book by Martin Miller about his famous mother Alice Miller. I guess this biography might tell us a lot about "betrayal, trauma and blindness".

[@samvaknin]

Read all HER books, so I thank you for these pointers!

[@katemichaels2215]

She's wonderful! Thanks for saying something about her work!

[@janejeffery2615]

Character is destiny ! Yes

[@carolegyptienne]

Yes I completely agree!! I felt that and expressed that. I said exactly that: who cares about where I sit in the statistics. People silence the pain because it’s very inconvenient, uncomfortable and reflects also their own depression and their own “negativity”.

[@skola-linguista]

Beyond remarkable! Thanks!

[@jenniferyorke8111]

I totally agree, I’ve had to change my life completely & spend time alone! after releasing a abusive relationship! and then experienced life changing operation that’s left me with pain & complications! I have to be alone & realign myself my balance in my emotional state & physical heath! it’s a struggle everyday but today i cried & then apologised to my doctor! when I think about my life it’s been a battle but Im still trying to stay strong! Thank you for letting me feel normal for all the hurt i have experienced! 👍😭😤

[@evecharazi6547]

Destroy your assumptive world*** absolutely. Thank you for talking about this!!

[@angelaraycroft233]

Ty for this ❤ betrayal trauma has destroyed me.. learning so much here ..I'm going to specialize in this and help other people with this type of trauma once and if I ever make it out of this despair 😢🙏

[@joyceconklin4596]

Thank God for you. You have helped me more than you'll ever know.

[@amalbashir1994]

You just spoke about what happened and happening in my life. Thank you ☘️

[@Itsmeyoualreadykno]

We would try to talk to my dad about the really bad things he had done to us but we were told to just get over it lol we’re the ones who have the issues lol to a point he is right.

[@lydiaself1819]

You go Mr. Vaknin ! Excellent response ! . Great advice !

[@curiousone6435]

It's amazing, especially in America, that the professional helpers just replicate and create another analogue of shame by trying to force you into another controlling, coercive environment, all marketed to you and everyone, as a "healing" mechanism (specifically for addicts). I had some good experiences with a PTSD support group, but the American facility that hosted it was constantly trying to separate this behavior from healing as separate, distinct problems with separate, distinct (profitable) solutions; I could not be in the group unless I had agreed to be locked up and "dried out". The US is a hotbed for narcissism because there is no social agreement as a fundamental construct -- as long as you can extract and profit, the resulting costs are worth it.

[@PKP1]

Exceptionally deconstructed yet again

[@OkayBilly]

Thank you for discussing this.

[@RodS498]

Thank you sir. Your work and insight is much appreciated.

[@Enemymind1973]

Thank you, Professor Vaknin. This video is probably one of the most important pieces in the understanding of narcissists, or anybody else for that matter. We are all the narcissist, we are all the victim, we are all traumatized, we are all entitled. This idea of making other people the actual ‘OTHER’ and separating ourselves from these OTHERS will do nothing to increase any of us. Professor, you have said you’ve been twice diagnosed with the increasingly popular NPD monster. Yet, I just looked at your face while you shared for the first portion of this video. Your mouth and eyes and their connection to your words. I’ve been long trained in the mastering of this particular ability to know, intuitively, the authenticity of a person. And then, I cried along. We are all you. And you are all of us. Degree variable. Connect more. I downloaded this video. This right here, is the shit.

[@deirdre5940]

You are so funny. I love your sense of humor. If you are ever in the US you are invited to visit. On a serious note, thank you for insight once again on the sweeping under the rug hypothesis. This is how I grew up being one of the youngest children and first generation of my Irish born parents (Northern Ireland so huge British tie which explains everything). Eugene O'neill's A long days journey into night is a classic of his mothers alcoholism and fictional dysfunctional family. Much like mine. No wonder I am a codependent.

[@Princess-rz5hn]

Dissociation : I literally have a 2nd persona when my Narc Aspie is near. He treats me like a child so in order to cope I suddenly developed a child persona (baby talking, adult baby features) then when he is not around, I have my normal voice. It's crazy but it's real.

[@futi4887]

Thank you! I thank you - This I will include in my statement against this statement of a outside „doctor“ who wrote 63 sites of what is going on with me.they have who has not damn idea about happened to me in childhood and are so „ego “ to just damn me with a personality disorder and stigmatize me with behavior that is what you excplain! These people are just not educated

[@evaw3421]

I am a swede and I remember the bank robbery very well, the one that the Stockholm syndorme came from. The bank robber Clark Olofsson was at the first page of the newspapers a lot. Even before that robbery. He was a kind of celebrity robber. He was fascinating. There is a very good Netflix movie about his life, named Clark. The criminals of today are nothing like him. He had some sense of style and respected people. Probably just so he could get away with everything. :)

[@marylunney3483]

Most respectfully I would suggest Sam that you also turn your hand to poetry. Your description of your experience is so poignant, bitterly painful but beautifully protrayed. To me this stream of consciousness piece is masterful. I do hope your boat comes in

[@samvaknin]

My poetry samvak.tripod.com/contents.html

[@agiejones7651]

I hear you 💯, I love Sam's poetry, always deeply touching 🙏🙏🙏

[@zoecurry2778]

@@samvaknin beautiful work!

[@maelentrewela2395]

"Like mail-in ballots." Great lecture all around, professor.

[@flashbazzbo]

Sam, keep on taking on those complex topics! The complex people need the most help of all. How about a talk on how to find N-wise therapists. How can the wider MH community use the theories?

[@amberfuchs398]

Brilliant lecture!

[@jeannetteteague7510]

That’s exactly how it feels to have cptsd. I read book after book and finally came to this and had to see that it was true. He is one of them.

[@raedminur3980]

Man this is so good

[@libbystiles6607]

Thank you.....

[@Bubble-hw5pm]

Agreed. 1:38 excuse me Dr. Vaknin.. i need you to be my therapist.. so much of this makes sense to me..

[@samvaknin]

I am not a therapist. I provide counselling.

[@doloresortiz3545]

Thank you so much of your knowledge you are helping me so much you gave me strength to understand the monster I was living with for years I was so blind keeping my promise of my marriage I couldn’t take it anymore what you say here truly happen to me but I’m free now after fear abuse lies no friends I lived a lie he was a expert at his lies I meant nothing to him at all just the 3 sss his home attended and his bunching bag I was in that wasted land of dreams lies betrayal I’m in a safe place now cut lose of the devil God helps me I’m free once again thank you .

[@mybeautifuljourney7540]

Thank you❤❤

[@dangfd551]

13:00 that’s where the mindset of independence can become a pathology. Not feeling emotions because you think they will end badly for you, or affect you? Some rationalize this detachment and disassociation as necessary, I’ve heard this many times in regards to health professions, death professions, or pilots, military, law etc. The idea of this impartial, or external “observer” is a fantasy! Repression and suppression is like pressurized vessel

[@lindablindt7265]

Clever and funny!

[@pysq8]

More reasons to keep my expectations of others low! 😁

[@futi4887]

You are my hero! Really! I am sending your videos to all Nonsens talking people and I watch your videos with so much pleasure! I wish you would speak to all these „ professionally people“ with knowledge stuck in 1940! And just speak to my Familie and friend who are just doing everything like you speak! They would get it! You are professional and impresisv! Difficult to get through?🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I do not mean you with my laughter but people saying this! Help us! Please! I am not coping with these people

[@MinnieTyko]

Great video Sam. It’s very interesting to me when you say that you should NOT accept suffering as part of life. I was told (brainwashed) to accept that (in a cult church) and to even celebrate and welcome and search out suffering. John Piper and Paul Washer are big advocates of celebrating suffering. It’s no surprise that they are “Christians”.

[@PhantasmicEther]

I love your work! I love the bit of humor you tie into these often heavy subjects! I think you could pull off sit down comedy for sure 😂

[@Gypsy.7]

Amazing

[@colorfulmetaphors3407]

So what about the additional feeling of self betrayal because one trusted the one who betrayed you in the first place? Adding of course to the self continuation of abuse learned by the original caregiver or loved one. I imagine that would add to the original trauma, you have said as much in other videos of this conditioning of thought. Leading to self harm and addiction or even suicide, in many variations. This self betrayal ultimately based in the fact of the denial of the signs of being betrayed. You have given this information quite clearly in many ways and videos. So, would you agree, that a possible resolution to this would be to acknowledge how one feels about all this and allow for something newer and healthier to add to what one already knows for survival, that new thing being a choice given to oneself? I know you refer, if not directly, at least hint to possibilities, if one does one’s homework... all your references, and of course your own observations... highly valuable information, and then of course for example if I do my own self observations and maybe even think for myself... ahhh revelation. Consider self observation without judgement... recognizing the indicators of the body and mind. Acknowledgement, of the indicators, and allowing oneself/myself to feel and process so I can move on and actually live instead of only surviving. Yet I still will always have the ability to use the built in survival skills, as well as the knowledge that I can process this pain etc and actually go on living instead of going in circles... limbic and base of brain... now I get to use my whole brain and body. Also learning healthy attachment within myself, including boundaries... and subsequently with others.

[@colorfulmetaphors3407]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 It was survival. So in a way they did, and in a way not. How not? Because they are alive. They loved themselves enough to live. Tortured yes, but alive. Not fully living, and self destructive. The thing is most survival skills, as far as I understand so far, are meant to be temporary. However when a person experiences abuse over and over they learn there is no end. That’s all they know. So that ends up being all they do. Sam has some techniques that show them other options. So they have a choice.

[@williamwoody7511]

I certainly learned not to suppress emotions after my last situation ship…

[@stephaniemillsaps3626]

LOVE 🙏🙏🙏

[@ambersiddiqui9894]

Loved your videos.I have everything and I knw im cheated on...but I cant lie no more to myself anymore...people try to keep there home family for kids but some abusers dnt realize.your mentally financially emotionally abused.all coz you are depended to spouses .. Thank you.

[@yvonnedyer5371]

Betrayal and malaevolence is the worst

[@elsiemarina2572]

This perfectly explains why my ex narc's ex gf keeps relying on him all the time. They have a disabled child together and her own father was abusive to her mother. I actually pity her and now use her as a sort of role model that I do not want to become!

[@mrs.sunflower929]

You are awsome men

[@16Zuzana61]

Sam, can I find the underlying mechanism analysis of dissociation leading to psychiatric disorders in the book Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse by Jennifer J. Freud? Thank you from the bottom of my existence! This has hit home, in deed.

[@conniegunner5440]

Why do they go after simple quiet girls??!!! And then act disappointed!!!

[@RachelGerrard]

When you say a narcissist is no more than 9 years old - which 'part' of them is no more than 9? Not understanding, intelligence or public persona - what then?

[@Scorpio200]

I find myself sailing the same boat in life I recognize it's because of my inability to be able to trust .because I know without a doubt that trust will end up being delusion and betrayal life has taught me this from an early age but the longing I have the sadness in my soul keeps looking for survivors not victims ..survivors that I can ultimately Trust but even at that I will find something wrong a pending Doom of some kind a storm approaching. that somehow I need to sabotage the boat get rid of the survivors and Patch the boat again..if I could just find one person to trust even in my delusions that won't betray me I could somehow escape the repeated cycle find Healing of this malfunction I believe it's a spiritual healing that needs to take place😢❤❤❤

[@cinderellawarrior2323]

Wow. Youve met my family. 😮

[@rodriguezrosa]

Thank you for this video. Question: Can religion (the fanatic kind) be a form of self medication?

[@samvaknin]

Any addictive delusion is a form of self-medication.

[@5trau556]

YOUR DESCRIPTION OF SAVING THE DROWNING PERSON AND FOR A MOMENT SHARING A JOY THAT IS DESTINED TO END IN DESPAIR, THEN DID THE MAN I DIVORCED 2 WEEKS AGO TURN ME INTO A NARCISSISTIC WOMAN AFTER SPENDING 30 YEARS WITH HIM? My head spins in pain that I fooled myself into believing and trusting him. Betrayal trauma sounds so much like where I am now and working my way back now that I have escaped.

[@shaimataleb6305]

please dnt turn into a narc, its not long term power, hes not worth turning you into something ugly like him. treasure and take care of that great side of you, itll take u further than him

[@alexhiller3088]

they owe me 10 years of terror

[@melisce4336]

Sam , I have a small suggestion please don’t get mad :) I think it would be wonderful to have audiobook versions of your books and have them available on kindle, audible etc. I did my research and couldn’t find audio versions and wanted to make a small suggestion because I do love your work ❤️

[@samvaknin]

Why would I get mad? My books are not amenable to audio like the how-to fluff that others produce. “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” is 728 pages of dense prose. But most e-book readers, apps, and software (like Adobe) have a voice option. So do all smartphones: you can have the text read to you by your device.

[@agiejones7651]

I hear you and appreciate Sam's reply. For me it's all about Sam's voice. I love listening to Sam

[@mrnobodyjo]

If you have pick a story/children's book story of the betrayal to represent betrayal of the malignant covert narcissist. Which story would you pick?

[@emergewithme957]

A thought came to me. Is the psychology of an intimate partner of a self aware narcissist different knowing how the person is… not while in the relationship but before going into it.?

[@BarbaraGirard]

Is there any relation between betrayal trauma and the P factor?

[@blakelyrosman7685]

when betrayal is the mechanism by which the child's physiological needs are met then they learn this betrayal language without the discourse to explain in adulthood how they know something is up. The icky feeling that they are special or like a prophet and is what the person fights when voicing their concern. When the suicide or scandal hits the town newspaper or local news station extreme guilt surfaces and those who denied dismissed and mocked this proactive concern attempt the processes of grooming or paying off the betrayed like a dirty secret, devaluing, and discarding when this person is too authentic. this intermittent knowing betrayal is about to happen like the boot on a child's neck which is the worst feeling and when it comes to truth and reality its a double bind. This person does not want their sibling or father to commit suicide and if they raise the concern thats awful but then when it happens what does that make the person if the locus of control is internal or external. so we create the defense mechanism of picking up subliminal cues like a mother lactates when her infant cries. autonomy ..

[@futi4887]

Oh my good! Your words about the boot story - this is me! Am I perhaps NPD after this what has happens to me? Damn it’s just that!! Pls tell me! If I would be able to express this question in my words - this is what I would say if I was able. Oh - I think This is not a phase like everybody said - I think It’s staying?

[@vickimartens8960]

What if she absolutely refuses to leave your cat boat? What if she wants to remain the mother in the shared fantasy? What if you can't devalue her in the shared fantasy? I stayed in the relationship for a year and a half after discard . . .

[@vickimartens8960]

Why wouldn't I remain a mother? I'm a barren preschool daycare teacher/ Sunday school teacher! It's what I went to school for! It's what God gifted me for! I have great rapport with children!

[@vickimartens8960]

I ignored, denied, underreported my betrayal by the narcissist 15 to 20 times, slamming out of the apartment, hanging up on him, breaking up --- and then getting hoovered back in. Or coming back due to the soul tie/trauma bonding, because I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without him --- even with all the sadistic abuse. And he abandoned me in the presence of his new supply . . .

[@SleepyLeeeee]

Your previous video was hilarious! This topic of memory/disassociation is a weird one for me. I was kidnapped when I was 3 but I have absolutely no memory of it. I didn't even know about it until I was about 15 when I started having dreams about the apartments we lived in where this happend. I do remember in the dream being promised something [I think to lure me away]. My question is, because of my age [3], would I have processed this as trust betrayal or not? I know this person was not my primary caregiver but toddlers depend on people, no matter who they are. I've been told if I don't remember, I don't need to.

[@Focus-pw4qh]

It's painful but knowing is better, I think. When you have an uneasy sensation of something disturbing happening in your past, questioning is healthy. You may never receive clarity. Do your best to accept that you can heal even without answers. If you believe in Christ, lean on him to hold you and give you direction. Whatever you do, know that you matter. You are loved. You are acceptable and worthy of being believed. Good luck with your healing.

[@SleepyLeeeee]

@@Focus-pw4qh Yes, I agree knowing is better. I know what my family tells me happend, I just don't remember it. I just don't want to unknowingly retain the memory somatically, if that makes sense. I do believe in Christ. I lean into him and he holds me up... I am so blessed to have that. Thank you for your thoughtful and kind response. 💛

[@Focus-pw4qh]

@@SleepyLeeeee That's a very good realization. Unknowingly retaining a memory. That helps me. Thank you, for that. I'm going through this as well. Not to the degree you survived. I have a Vivid dream from the past and it has always left me wondering about what happened to me. I think God sent me the dream to "wake me up" in a way. To validate the belief that I was being tortured. It's difficult 😔 to accept that someone you care for and who claims cares for you would be causing you 💔 torture. Compounded by the reality that they are so broken, they cannot understand how Not to torture you. That maybe causing you pain is all that keeps them alive. Satan slithered into their life and they will someday face judgement for what they are allowing.

[@Focus-pw4qh]

I'm reminded of an old video. An experiment was being done with toddlers. A child was in a room with an adult, they were sitting across from each other at a table. The child was given a treat. Then told they could have more if they waited longer to eat the treat. You could see the child's mind working. Their little toddler brain doing the "cost/reward" thought process. Some didn't get it. I guess the children who didn't wait hadn't developed the part of their mind that would have shown them the benefits of waiting. Maybe the saying "he who hesitates is lost" is wrong.😊😉

[@SleepyLeeeee]

@@Focus-pw4qh Yeah, I've seen that. I have to admit impulse control is something I've always struggled with :). Fortunatly, not with alcohol or drugs. I just don't always think things through (like consequences). Even if I do know the consequences, I feel compelled to do things I know I shouldn't. For instance, I KNOW, that if you have one end of spark plugs hooked to the posts of a car battery, and you have the other end in your hands...that if you bump them together, you'll get a spark. What's wrong with someone who knows this, but does it anyway? I feel my eyes glaze over, I smile, and do it...not once, not twice, but three times before I realize what I'm doing and throw them on the ground away from me. Or the clerk telling me to run my debit card a certain way...but I lock eyes with him and do the opposite of everything he tells me. Lol. No wonder I was taken [of course, my dad shouldn't have been passed out drunk and he should have been watching me, but...it is what it is].