Covert Narcissist's Abuse=Coercive Control?

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COVERT ABUSE
Passive-aggressive (obstructive)
Hidden (occult): fakes empathy, rescuer-savior-healer, helpfulness, altruism, compassion
Manipulative
Nonverbal
Punitive avoidance and withdrawal (to play on abandonment anxiety)
Creates secret coalitions against you, smear campaigns (hiding behind others)
Controlling
COERCIVE CONTROL
Another much misused term, like gaslighting or narcissist
Victims intimidated into altering routines, modifying behaviors
Social isolation
Life constriction
Invasive monitoring and supervision
Deprivation of needs, including basic needs
Control and micromanagement of choices, decisions, behaviors, and actions
Denial of access to communication, money, friends, family, help, succor
Terrorizing, degradation, humiliation
Multiple modalities of abuse: verbal, physical, financial, sexual
Conditioning (compliance rewarded) leads to automatism and impaired reality testing
Premeditated
Not outcome of mental illness
Some victims misperceive coercive control as love, interest, attention, insecurity.
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[@JohnSmith-lk8cy]

This is absolutely BRILLAINT! Explains it perfectly well. It is about time that this type of narcissist was exposed, explained and understood. Thank you Sam! Slimy, evil, sub humans! I lived with one for 30 years. Please make more on the Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist!

[@gudrunhahn7657]

That’s one hell of a tautology 😉✌🏽

[@rachellesmith1600]

Been with my Narc for 35 years! It sums him up 100%

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I am the eldest daughter of a narcissist. It's painful, on the rare occasions I deal with him; he makes me cringe! It's always about how popular, busy he is. He lies to me. I see through it.

[@elliemay7569]

36 years I was deceived by a monster!

[@danaezama5701]

The Covert Narcissist part of this is all about my ex-husband.......and then he alienated my children against me and they don't even know that he did it. They practically worship him and have no idea he is a dangerous person............really dangerous.

[@AlisongsLA]

You are describing my mother perfectly. She used to try to tell her friends that I was the troubled daughter. Fortunately for me, her friends could see right through her, and it was obvious I was the scapegoated child, not the troubled daughter. She is ninety one and still can't stop bullying me. I feel so sad for her as she will leave this world not having grown or evolved, at all. Meanwhile, I am living my best life despite her efforts to destroy me!

[@lisabowden402]

My mother also. I’m the trouble child( scapegoat) and my brother the golden child. He adores her . He’s stolen from her and me for drugs, been to drug rehab a few times, cheated on his wife , and he is the one that is golden. I graduated college , and have lived a successful life , I’m a Christian with strong principles and morals and I’m the bad one. I believe it’s because she has always known I can see straight through her lies and control.

[@shahin_009]

this guy is a genius the accuracy of what he's saying is too damn high !!! he deserves more recognition...🤔

[@Bernadette-gd2oh]

I barely escaped with my life!!! It is diabolical!

[@user-wj7lp7ok1l]

Me too❤

[@user-fs3it1tm8u]

Oh God.This is real ...me too😢

[@caritokirch]

This is an accurate description of the covert narcissist in my life. He put his daughter against her mother (his ex partner). Then his daughter cut her relationship with her mother. He sacrificed the life of her daughter to destroy his ex. Manipulation reaches a higher level when talking about covert narcissists.

[@NarcNOmore23]

This exact thing happened to me. 20 yr marriage/relationship. 5 children . X covert w8fe completely alienated my oldest daughter from me. She is so angry with me due the malicious lies. That I was physically abused by her and she screams horrible things at me when I see her. The other 4 children the manipulation didn't work on. So the children are split now. I have 4 of them 90% of the time and the alienated one is with her mother all the time. That in itself shows the mental state of the mother. To do this to a child just to have someone on her side. Also I've learned that this same dynamic took place with my x wife's mother and father. Her mother is a covert narcissist as well. I can only say this cause I watched her raise a son and the way She lives her life. It's a generational thing in the family

[@Canaday291]

This describes exactly the covert narcissist I divorced as well as siblings.The horrific realization all along they are only out to destroy you especially when you stand up to them ,refuse to be coercively controlled,and become no use to them.

[@ip9608]

After discard and over 2 years out , no contact when I listen to you Dr. Vaknin I get chiles and think how lucky am I to be alive. He would walk into the bathroom right with me and watch me. At first it was a joke and I thought how much he must love me not to leave me for a min but now I know how sick and evil this was. I lost my job because of him , friends etc. Thank you for all your work and knowledge , I’m happy again because of the knowledge and understanding I have from your videos.

[@emmamonroe3311]

Wow, that’s crazy. Mine didn’t do that, he used the insurance company to accomplish what he wanted. Once again secretive. Almost 6 years later and I’m slowly putting everything slowly together. It’s absolutely the most insane shit I’ve ever been through.😳🙄👈🏻

[@pjmrees]

You just described my ex perfectly. 25 years of hell I could not make sense of. I felt like an abused puppet around him. Once I found out one too many skeletons the more I dug into the secrets the more horrified I was. I saw behind the mask and I was harshly discarded.

[@flybyhorse]

Hmmm....23 years in this marriage, and I jump every time he opens the door. Interesting. Thank you, Sam, for all your educational content!!

[@TheRebelGypsy]

I was coercively controlled by a psychopathic narcissist for over 40 years, your video has validated my experience, thank you. He was extremely controlling to the point of stalking me in my own home, he literally monitored me 24/7 without rest, yes I couldn’t even use the toilet or shower alone, it was quite literally domestic terrorism. I am finally free.

[@bocablue957]

Professor I went through this. When you mentioned the bathroom I experienced that. It is such an awful experience I cannot put into words how dehumanizing this is

[@nanalala9935]

Me too or pretending to take a shower together just to stare😢

[@inpursuitofhappiness9441]

Me exactly!

[@user-ii3st8yy6v]

Same

[@ChereeVerity]

Yes! I'd shut & lock the door, he'd pick the lock & come in, sometimes just bust through it, my door is barely hanging on the frame now.

[@peacenquiet77]

So dehuminizing

[@maryadams01]

Spot on!!! Mine escalated to drugging me and almost killed me! I am finally safe from him, but wow!! I went through hell and because he acted so vulnerable and hid it so well I never saw a lot of it. You described my ex perfectly!!😮

[@debbielove5047]

In a nutshell this video is saying RUN … Listen to Sam Vaknin not just hear !! Thank you for sharing your expert knowledge and saving lives ❤

[@JH-td4mn]

You describe the ex CN in my life to a T. He had a soft and gentle manner, pretended to be right on, caring, hard done by as he soon described a tough childhood where he was neglected but ultimately triumphant as he boasted about his career achievements, financial gains and many sexual conquests. He was a trained masseur, claimed to be into yoga and meditation, a confident salsa dancer, drank little due to his father's alcoholism. A more shallow, fake, callous, manipulative, isolating, passive aggressive and immature person I've never met. When his mask completely slipped, it was a traumatising horror show. Got discarded days later and then he literally hid from me in public. The most bizarre thing I've ever seen.

[@treesaremadeofwood2145]

6 minutes in and you have already described my ex fiance and how she operates.... Utterly terrifying that you have got the exact behaviour to the letter....

[@GrandeMOficial]

100% true. Insane how accurate this is, Jesus Christ.

[@Mothermochi]

Oh my god. The bathroom stuff. I couldn’t ever take a shower alone. It made me so anxious. I didn’t mind at first until, thought of it like a way to bond. But really it was just control, it was so invasive. It got scary when he he was in a rage…because that was not a barrier.

[@SassySlater]

This happened to me too. It’s crazy crazy!

[@randideelancaster9904]

My x used to pick the lock to be in the bathroom while I pooped.. he would sit and stair at me, the weirdest think I've ever witnessed 😳 i never shut the door while showering or peeing out of habit, but would only shut the door to poop, and he would demand to be in there.. talk about crazy

[@Mothermochi]

@@randideelancaster9904 I def got a lock picked a couple times

[@T.dncr6260]

I have experienced coercive control by my ex I was terrorised into thinking I was been gang stalked, my media and mobile phone was tapped, I was isolated from my friends and family, I was forbidden to socialise, having shower wearing makeup, I had to wear clothes he chose for me, I was been monitored 24/7. I was also fed industrial strength laxatives so I couldn't leave the house. My social media was hacked, my job was infiltrated, I lost my job had no finances and I was evicted from my own home. I had a porngraphic, video super imposed sent to all my family and friends. I was banned from eating certain foods, as he said I was getting putting on weight he didn't like that, I had a broken wrist at the time so I needed his help. In the end he put me into a choke hold as I said I was leaving relationship. A pyrex glass bowl was thrown at my head I ended up walking around 24 hr store, escorted by two security guards who adminstered first aid as blood was dripping from my head. In the end he said I knew you wasn't having an affair but you have to nip these things in the bud don't you. I was jelous of you, and wanted the money you was left by your parents, after losing your family members death. It vengeance because of jelousy as he wanted the money from me.I refused, he blackmailed me to dare him post video, so he did post. I ended in refuge for Domestic Abuse. Thankyou for your discussion on coercive control everything you said about it is true.

[@12BY6]

Sorry this happened you

[@alyssawoodman]

This is horrifying!!!

[@mclark197]

I’m so sorry that you were abused so horrifically- Sending hugs to you

[@macnchessplz]

It can get pretty bad.This bad though,I’d consider self defense in a literal sense. All of that are situations only a severely disordered person would do. The laxatives,told what to wear and the Pyrex bowl would have been it for me to use it…. It’s truly awful what humans can do to other humans.If you can refer to them as such.

[@rexx5851]

So sorry, I cannot imagine ! Glad you survived and one day at a time , you'll get through this .🙏

[@katherinel1801]

Thank you for this video. I always learn so much from you. I am a therapist with a masters and your insights are better than anything I get in training. I learned about covert narcissism from you while experiencing the threats, terror, and smear campaign after finally making him go. You had a video from like 10 years ago that said they should be held accountable to the highest extent of the law. I got a RO because of your videos. Of course there was the hiding (in the house when they tried to serve him with the notice to appear). So it took a long time and I watched these videos to get me straight in the head. Thank you.

[@ririimari]

My mom, a covert narcissist; will nod her head yes while she is trying to convince you of something and get something from you.

[@enigma1487]

Thank you, I needed a reminder why I'm making the right decision now..

[@enigma1487]

He tried to turn people against me... he didn't succeed though... so he just found a new group of people...the coward he is...

[@ArdentArchivist]

Good luck stay strong

[@cmbr.]

Paranoid monster toddlers & emotional vampires

[@treesaremadeofwood2145]

You have literally described every ex fiance has done, it's like you have described life with her...... Dear god that's scary how accurate you described the tactics she's done, my health took such a turn from her dietary control that I still suffer the effects from it..... Lost my friends, family, money, my business, my health, and then battered me, then discarded when I set boundaries and when she knew that my doctor made a report of her attack on me.... Still dealing with the aftershocks of it all.....

[@tiramei3244]

First of all thank you so much for your videos. I left my abuser 1 year ago, yet it still feels like yesterday. I am currently in a bad spot I don’t leave my house, my mental health is not well. i’m pretty much a textbook victim. Your videos are helping me understand what I went through, and realizing that what I’m experiencing/living in right now can be fixed

[@leahnewyork]

You are one year (plus) out of that situation and brava! You can take full credit for having completed that important step. Now you don't have to start from scratch. You have that year behind you. Remember that that year counts, and counts greatly. It is an authentic accomplishment in its own right.

[@DE0498]

My step mom was exactly like this unfortunately. She tried to target my brother but he didn’t allow that so then she settled on me and oh man did she make my life a living hell all day ever day. She eventually turned my own dad against me and he started to believe all the lies she was filling his head until one day he kicked me out. I haven’t spoken to him in over 7 years and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. It’s shocking to finally realize what happened and that she truly never felt any remorse for it.

[@ChereeVerity]

This has been my life for almost 3 years, so much is spot on here. In another one of his punishments by abandonment now, and today I've decided, is day 1 no contact. Its difficult as I have no one, zero support, but I can't anymore. I didn't even notice what exactly was going on for quite some time, thank you for this, its helped me more than I can even say.

[@bibleprophecy4400]

That’s so true. 20 years of isolation and even kept me from seeing my kids from my 1st marriage. My whole personality changed. I couldn’t tell people no, I have difficulty making friends and now I’ve lost my baby (29) 11 years he’s been brainwashing him against me. His 3 kids one is dead at 32, one in and out of prison his whole life, the other a drug addict and now in prison. I’m afraid for my son. He didn’t deny food but would bully if I didn’t stay in line, even rape, hitting, verbal abuse etc. say I’m going to hell for not calling back or answering? What is that and how do I save my child? And grandchild?

[@tamaragootman832]

im 38 years old, this has been my whole life. he knows im typing this. i will still have my social worker watch this video. thank you, Sam. i will take any advice to get me out of this Truman show

[@ClaireGraceMarshall-jr5mm]

Six minutes in and youve described my mother to a T, I wish I had this help years ago. Better late than never I guess thankyou

[@MZSTAR4YA]

When they follow you into the bathroom while smiling and complimenting you…… making you think they really just enjoy your company…. Either way you know it’s too much but can’t put your finger on it 😔

[@Enttauschung6]

Can you believe they are also people in positions of power in services who serve communities? They are everywhere. I couldn't either. 🤓😳😳😳

[@samvaknin]

Watch my videos on prosocial, communal, altruistic giver narcissists.

[@perfectlypolished2150]

Ohhh my goodness eyes wide opened!!! FINALLY SOMEONE DESCRIBES THIS PERFECTLY!! Thank you!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@Laynasmuse]

I don't know what I'd do without you Professor. Thank you for helping me to understand and heal. ❤

[@RA-ce2ot]

hearing about the definition of coercive control... the ex narc in my life (longterm committed relationship) didn't do this to me (or didn't manage to) but he would "joke" about building a dungeon for me so I stay put and couldn't run away and be cut off from the world. the jokes already felt uncomfortable back then and now looking back creep me out massively

[@fionahawkes1758]

Wowww... The ex narc I knew also mentioned his want for a dungeon to keep me in!!!! Wow 😮😮😮

[@kathleenleavitt9028]

My ex narcissist ALSO talked about building a dungeon for me! I thought it was a sex fantasy but now I’m realizing not at all

[@5EmBem]

The nex never used to openly tell me what I can and can't do but used to make sure I didn't have time to do anything for myself or outside the house. If I asked for a hand to clean up, all of a sudden he would take the kids out in the guise of "giving me time to myself" knowing that I had cooking and cleaning to do otherwise we wouldn't eat or have a clean and tidy house. If I spoke up against how he was treating me then he would punish me by keeping me awake at night by slamming about in the kitchen underneath my bedroom knowing that it disturbed me. He also withheld food and drink from our children while I was at work as well as many other things

[@saradwyer2451]

Grew up with a narcissistic mother …extremely painful not being taught how to love myself and thrive as a human being because I was her target…my children were her flying monkeys…huge betrayal

[@karenellisbrown8169]

This is frightening but so very accurate

[@camfrancisco]

Omg the look! I just experienced this recently. Thx Vaknin!

[@laura-2]

The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@rexx5851]

Brilliant assessment but I would also like to add that the Grandiose Narc I encountered used all those afore mentioned types of abuse , which is being mainly said of the Grandiose narcissist here. So then its plausible that the Grandiose Narc and switch into different Narcissistic types and roles, when it suits him or her.( My experience)..

[@bibleprophecy4400]

How do you stop them from destroying their own children making them hate their mothers to punish them from leaving them?

[@patriciamukami2048]

Sam is a real researcher his findings are very true....i live with one 24hrs of my life...Sams teaching have saved me from becoming mentally sick...Thanks Dr, Sam...i am learning him now and i have set strict boundaries

[@AngelaDeArcoPreppingDiarys]

Thank you Professor Sam I watch all your videos and get so much out of each one..Your a true Pioneer in this Study

[@nilepearl1997]

This is painfully true ! The covert body language is the exact opposite of the words said ... So confusing & inhumane ! Talk about cognitive dissonance !

[@patriciajoseph3035]

Rattlesnakes plus plus.

[@vatogomareli]

Such an awesome material! Great video! more people should be informed about snakes in the grass… thanks for sharing! ❤

[@lizedbf7334]

When I met my covert narcissist husband I was a successful project accountant and assistant business controller. I was nicknamed ' The Iron Lady ' because I was intelligent, strong-willed and very successful in handling difficult person's. After 15 years under his influence I have quit my job, I am living of my early retirement pension because I am so brainwashed I can't work anymore and I am plagued by self doubt, anxiety and depression. A covert narcissist will complete destroy you and use up all your life energy. I managed to escape him and I'm trying to build a new life in the years I have left. I'm 59 years old so I do hope I have a bit of life left after these devastating years. These videos are very informative. I prefer the scientific language of this channel. Especially the covert narcissist is described with great accuracy in this video

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Why do these three people get off trying to control me to begin with? I haven't done anything to deserve their verbal abuse(in mre than one away). They need to grow up and shut the hell up.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

It is painful being related to them; they have made me pay for their problems!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Their alleged superiority and mistaken authority! They abuse these things, and when I complain(rightly so). They oppress me further with their put-downs, condescending attitude and think I owe them respect and obedience. I don't! They have misused the alleged authority. They have no seniority, either.

[@dbr311]

Totally agree, well said

[@theofficialconscioustrappe5756]

He’s right, I’m watching it in real time.

[@bocablue957]

My ex would keep me awake many nights has well and prevent me from resting 😢

[@robertah2353]

Thank you for making this, so insightful

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

I've been the target of two covert narcissists in my life: my work "best friend" and my husband. The first one mentioned made me realize what I was dealing with concerning the second one after nearly 40 years. The first one I 86'd with great difficulty, and now I am working on detaching from my husband. Escaping my husband is a lot harder because I married him when I was 17 and after 40 years the entanglement is insane, but I'm getting there and myself covertly taking steps to escape. One thing I've discovered is narcissists always try to enlist people you care about as their flying monkeys which is designed to break your heart. They are broken creatures that garner my sympathy for the depth of their depravity and insanity (but that doesn't mean I have to stick around to let them hurt me).

[@pattyrooney1323]

Thank you, Sam for this video!

[@sarainrheallife]

It hit the nail on head . Bravo. Now time to process. Ugh. I got this.

[@dilfuzakhaydarova2859]

Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin ❤.

[@nathansmith-nd9nq]

Thank you Sam . As always articulate and precise in your brilliant delivery of what we need to hear . Thank you once again.

[@4realkarma]

I just escaped this type of relationship. I am trying to feel like myself again. I'm still afraid to have friends or even communicate with other people. He made me feel shame for just existing.

[@PolishPerspective]

What about coercive control that manifested due to the need to control the narcissists cheating behavior. I dint deny anything except hoovering around her excess but I lost control over my emotions many times with her fully knowing she was pushing me and me begging her to stop (lying cheating etc.) but I had a goal in mind, not being cheated on any more.

[@marilynrosario228]

That's my current dilemma. I became controlling because of his constant cheating and lies (caught with proof, on a monthly basis). I constantly checked his phone, never wanted him to be out of my sight because I was afraid he was going to do it, again. Which he always did, blaming me for being so controlling.😢

[@horiboyablemgtow7842]

This describes my wife down to a T, right down to with holding food.

[@slamthegavelpodcasthostmar5536]

Beyond brilliant! Thank you!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I felt controlled, invalidated and humiliated by these three people.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

They expect my loyalty, submission and apology for being female: unreal!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

They don't deserve it, and will never get it!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I owe them nothing! I certainly do not owe them obedience, love, loyalty, repect and submission. Just because they are family? And that Dad is my parent, doesn't give him a lifetime pass to control and invalidate my complaints, and if I continue to complain, stand up to him; he could punish me as if I am 5 years old again. He hates women in particular.His problem; not mine.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

He can't yell, hit (with a belt) and verbally, and verbally sexually abuse me for decades, and when I say no to him, tell me I have no right to do so. I don't like, love, respect or trust him, ever! His brother, and their late, controlling mother, either!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I have yet to cause the trouble they attempt to punish me for. I don't know where their resentment comes from; or their attitude of seniority/superiority/condescending attitude, their insistence on blaming me for their abuse(verbal, verbal sexual abuse) and then expect me to be silent, a scapegoat. They are completely out of line! They are not perfect, so who are they to judge harshly and demean, nitpick at me. They have no authority, where do they think they have any?!

[@Xsinx_Noir]

Sir in this video with this explanation you described and contributed all cluster b symptoms to one disorder.

[@paper-chasepublications9433]

Thank you for this!

[@kmac6691]

I agree. Very very good :)

[@jared8038]

Thankyou! Im going to look at your other videos on covert narscissim.

[@jacalyntaylor6721]

My son has one of these she hates me because we had an earthquake and she said it was 4.7 i heard on the news it was a 5 point OMG now she does every thing she can to destroy me my son now hates me and if my son even talks to me she freaks out. He moved her in with me and i cant do anything she walks past me like i dont exist

[@biancaristori8543]

more and more i learn how the psyche works, more and more i observe the outside world, more and more i wonder if there are in fact sane people. thank you doc for all the lessons you give us. it makes me open my eyes, tho what i see it's not so graceful

[@Bringmecoffee108]

Living it 😢

[@user-ux3vc2qe4s]

Critical thinking is so important. I've noticed that I tend to follow the rules and find it difficult to think differently or make connections. I did a lot of strange things when i was with her in those years.

[@briarts]

This describes what Iwent through with my ex. I couldn't even watch tv without her permission. The same thing happened with my father to a wrose extent. I never fully succumbed to my ex but I lived with my father in my 20s and he reverted me to an anxious 12 year old. I wouldn't even leave the house without asking him first.

[@emmamonroe3311]

What, that’s why I think my ex narc is a narcopath, he never controlled me like what you are saying.😲

[@julieprice488]

I’m enjoying these older vids that are coming up for me.

[@KateAmberMSc]

I LOVE so much of this video. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge via this channel. I do have to differ with you on one point, and that is that coercive control, as a pattern of behavior, in my experience, DOES show up in other areas, other than intimate "relationships". If you refer only to the work of Evan Stark, who popularized the term, or Susan Schechter, who coined it, it makes sense to see coercive control as a phenomenon that only occurs within domestic abuse. And, of course, Evan's book is the most popular book on coercive control. It was the first book I read on coercive control, before I studied and obtained my Master of Science in the Psychology of Coercive Control from the University of Salford, and it is excellent! However, if you take a broader approach to the research and theory in the literature, as my cohorts and I did at university, coercive control emerges as a pattern of behavior in other contexts. Targets of human trafficking, cults and prisoners of war, even gangs, are subjected to the same tactics and strategies of coercion and control. They also develop the same types of traumatic injuries; dissociation, helplessness, terror, PTSD, etc. as targets of intimate partner coercive control. Again... I highly appreciate your channel and perspective. I am confident that your videos have positively impacted a lot of people! Thank you!

[@alexugurie]

I view all civilised and domesticated humans as somewhere on the spectrum in regards to personality disorders (say, from 1 - 30), depending on which ever way their childhood trauma broke them. So in regard to this presentation on coercion, where would one place the average school teacher who - in a position of authority and looking for the obedience of kids who maybe are not even fully conscious of what is going on - avails of the carrot and the stick (euphemisms for bribery and manipulation/coercion)? Surely, breaking-in kids like horses will leave a lasting impression, serious damage even, irrespective of whether the breaking in was successful or not, irrespective of whether the child becomes subservient, a rebel, or simply broken.

[@heredith]

hello mr. vagnin! reduced affect display! this subject seems to me a main tool of people to make someone insecure. yes, as you said. did you make a video about that? thank you very much for all your work!!!

[@samvaknin]

Did you search the channel? No? Why not?

[@heredith]

@@samvaknin sorry! i found it now!

[@Petra-qw1pv]

"Thank you" - I will bring this to the police. I couldn't explain it better, and I am still "learning" what he did covertly....thank you

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad(narcissist) thinks he is so great because he is male, that his family matters, not my mom, or her family; he acts like only his time matters. It is infuriating. He is misogynistic, obnoxious, self-absorbed and entitled(for what?) I thought it was because I am female, his oldest daughter(scapegoat) and that he can say anything he wants and I am expected to put and shut up, never say to him. It was backed up (unknowingly) by the school system I went to; in elementary school. Girls should be not (hardly seen)and be silent! Sick! I felt oppressed, some of his family members(one brother, their mother) acted as if the world should revolve around them; their time matters more than anyone elses(mine). He tried to turn me against my mother and her family(loving), his (some of,not all) thinks the world should be at their convenience. Yet, they don't do anything in return, that way; it's all about them, these people are aggravating. I can't be bothered with him, or them. They're out of line and expect that because they are older members of the family, the younger generation should bow to them; no! Very opressive. When I complained, I was invalidate. It was humiliating! He gave me the attitude (I can punish you for saying no to me, Jackie, no matter what your age. you don;t matter. That he can verbally abuse me, hit me if he chooses(it started when I was 5) and that when I was 12 1/2 he said that I had no right to say no to him, other men, implying his brothers. I didn't anyting(yer) to be punished for, to this day! He's seriously erroneous in this thinking! I am 59, he's still trying to lecture/control me; he has no authority, despite his wrong opinion. He thinks he is perfect and finds fault with me. Continually. It's impossible. I've given up trying to reason with him since he is unreasonable!(Always)) He doesn't like the word "no"/my standing up to him/ too bad.

[@inpursuitofhappiness9441]

I experienced, to varied degrees, ALL the features of coercive control listed here by Dr. Vaknin. I am absolutely certain that I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist and I don’t think these experiences were unique to me. I think that coercive control, as described here by dr. Vaknin, is part of most covert narcissists repertoires.

[@cecillekinnear4585]

Scary

[@karenellisbrown8169]

You are talking about the covert narc I've been married to for 33 years. 100 %

[@user-wu9oy1tp8p]

💯

[@ultratrish]

I need help with the narc in my life!!!!!!!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Just because they are older, doesn't mean they have to right to push me around·verbally. And when I say no; they made fun of me; cruel. Very controlling, angry people. I did nothing to cause the trouble. It's their attitude/behavior; not my fault. They can't stand being stood up to, called on for their oppression. Too bad, I have more than enough of their garbage!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Their oppression is unnecssary and painful; my opinion doesn't matter them. Really sad!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I only matter to be a scapegoat; because I am female and dad's daughter.(eldest). I don't deserve any of this. When I complained to Dad or his brother: I was talked down to, invalidated, and told, by Dad, to apologize to them, for standing up to them. He's the worst controller; his brother next, and then, their late mother. Very oppressive.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

They act entitled to verbally abuse me in various ways, yet I am told, by them, that I have no right to say no and stand up to them for their abuse of me(they act as if it's their right; it isn't).Dad is condescending and patronizing when I complain.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

He says it is my problem, as if I don't like it. I have to kow-tow to him, his brother and their late mother; Their attitude is the problem; not me. They don't like younger members of the family saying that they won't put up with the verbal and other verbal(sexuall) abuse of me, by these two men. They are not important, their time isn't any more valuable, nor is their convenience; they talk as if they are entitled. They're not. Why do they think they are better and that I have to blindly obey and not backtalk to them; while they are lecturing me for something they caused: go figure; they especially don't women saying no to the men(not all the family treats me this way) No one stands up to these bullies and tells them to shut up and leave Jackie alone, she didn't anyting to bring on the lecturing/controlling tone they have. I wish they would grow up and shut up; I never asked for their opinion to begin with; which I didn't ask for their opinions!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I never, do not, and never will matter to the three of them. Their loss!

[@ArtbyIWL]

Thank you, this is my situationen for 13 years. But he works behind the scenes, ockult, spiritualist, satanist, sadistic awful person. I am not a robot or a slave for him. Never. But he distroyed my life any way, I am getting older and he never stop. How to get free? Thank you for this confirmation and knownledge.🙏🙏

[@seanjarett4448]

I'm commissioning a bronze Professor Sam statue to put next to the yard jockey in front of the house... that boy Sam is bad to the bone !

[@David-zu2bf]

If they like to inflict pain and hurt to other people, don't you think that they have empathy ? They definitely feel other people emotions otherwise how could they enjoy being nasty...?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for cold empathy.

[@marykovacs8330]

I've been saying this for over 40 years.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad (narcissist) is the worst of the two remaining members, then his (one of) brothers, and their, now late mother. Trianglulation; oppression, suppression. I don't bother with them. They're not worth any effort, despite the fact that they think because they are older; they demand repect(didn't earn it ) and compliance.(same applies!)

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I only complained to the grandmother once, she told me "have a sense of humor" the uncle had made a sexual joke to me. Unreal! I was expected to put up and shut up and let the (father's worst perpetrator, most often), and his brother. She backed them up. I was supposed to blindly obey these men; my complain(valid) was ignored/I was invalidated and talked down to.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

An exceptionally oppressive system.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Their thinking, only, their opinions, were law. One-way street there. I gave up dealing with them; I hardly deal with dad(I blocked his number on my phone). Peace and quiet for me, at long last!

[@jpex9]

Sounds a bit like many western governments.

[@hibaent1923]

Oh my god ! My entire life was a lie ! IAM 27

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I have to be submissive(obey) him no matter how badly he treats me; and say I am sorry, for allegedly causing him to treat me badly; surreal! He needs to man up, grow up and shut the hell up. I don't listen to him(that annoys him. And apologize to him for abusing me(verbally) and that I caused him because I am female, his scapegoat. NO on all charges: He's the one with the problem; not me. I wish he would stop projecting this superior tone with me. He thinks he is perfect and finds fault with me. He's not perfect, neither am I, but I was/is/are never responsible for causing his mistreatment of me!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

One of his brothers is like him; their (now, late) mother acted as if the world had to be at their sole convenience; pathetic!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

They enabled this attitude and told me I had the problem, because I don't like being treated badly, that I have no to say no to him(DAd), his brother, grandmother(mine-her).

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Ever!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad is the worst, his brother, next, then, their late mother. Oppressive to the ones they abuse(verbally). I say no; they expect me to be a good sport "have a sense of humor" aka put up and shut up and don't have the nerve to say no to us. They are(were) totally off base.

[@rmiller6356]

It's been a little while since you wrote this. I had to look at the user name to verify i didn't write this myself.

[@SaintAnthonyIV]

I don't wanna drink wine 😂😂😂

[@thomasadams8187]

How does one know if they are a codependent or a covert narcissist?

[@samvaknin]

By searching this channel.

[@Pakchikpakrajababuu]

I am looking for research in this topic please help me find

[@Yachtclubn]

Holy Shit! I’m f’d ! This is exactly what’s been happening to me for over 3 decades. I feel retarded and broken and stuck

[@user-bn9gp7sy7y]

What if the elements are there but less severe than described, is the person considered a covert narcissist or not?

[@samvaknin]

Narcissistic style is not the same as narcissistic disorder.

[@user-bn9gp7sy7y]

@@samvaknin thanks I just did a search of this with your name and found a video of narcissistic style vs NPD. gonna watch it Many thanks sir

[@charlieberry7562]

Is it possible that a someone may have a covert narc partner that doesn’t coerce to this extent?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@The-Variety-Vibes-Show2023]

Coercive Control feels like Saudi Arabian women can't leave the house without a male figure, just recently women was giving the right to Drive..

[@domeatown]

it is very like that. a society can be narcissistic , too. and actually a lot of them are