Get Parasite Narcissist Out of Your Colonized Mind

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The shared fantasy results in a mass psychogenic illness affecting both members of the couple as well as in the victim's prolonged grief disorder.
This is because the grooming phase involves the induction of a trans or pseudo-hypnotic dissociative state in the suggestible targets: amnesia, depersonalization, derealization (gaslighting), and fantasy (paracosm).
The abuser entrains ("brainwashes") the abused party's mind and deploys intermittent reinforcement, approach-avoidance, trauma bonding, and abuse in all its forms to effect a transfer of regulatory functions from the victim to himself.
The entrainment of the abuser's intimate partner consists of the reorganization of her mind so that it generates nonautonomous cognitions and emotions ("artefacts") intended to make sense of the shared fantasy. These linger long after it is over.
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[@happycamper3561]

I’m a 41 year old teacher raised by 2 narcissists. I’m really struggling. I have the hardest time when I’m not working. I can’t make a decision to save my life during my vacation time or weekends. I often cave and get sucked back into the abuse because I’m so lonely. I love hiking with my dog and cleaning my apartment. I worry that I will always be sad. People think of me as a positive and motivated force for good. I read my Bible and that helps me the most. I am forming a close relationship with the Lord and I believe that it the best thing I can do for my healing. I am learning that there are A LOT of narcissists claiming to be Christians. They are not following the teachings of Christ and therefore are counterfeit and probably worship themselves over any god. I love Jesus and I am growing in my faith every day. I would like to make a friend. I am great with children hence my teaching career and I always thought I would eventually become a wife and mother. I still have hope that I can form healthy attachments and have healthy relationships but it seems like it might never happen. The loneliness is the hardest part. I’m praying about it.

[@TheIsraelProphetess]

My mother and nearly every other narc that has abused me in my life were all church going Christians!!! It destroyed my relationship with God and just now, over ten years later do I feel like I can get close to god again.

[@luiscaceres4426]

When you feel lonely go out for a walk see people walking throughout the park … go have dinner at a restaurant bar people will talk to you start a conversation don’t feel lonely in a world full of people .. join a class of any sorts .. learn to dance involve yourself with things and you will see how in time you will be full of joy and with friends!

[@adriaanpretorius1073]

Hey hey im also alone...how old are you camper gal?

[@adriaanpretorius1073]

Im just not going to go to church so much...but thats oky...i like to stay at home i try to do very little...be as still as possible...🌅🦄❤️

[@XtOfje]

I'm with you... not religious but spiritual though. ❣️

[@linahol6067]

Summary: 1. Learn to separate your real emotions from abusers's emotions. Don't take abusers's problems as your own. Their happiness or sadness is their responsibilities. Don't blindly try to solve theirs emotion problems 2. Memory recovery: Memory is important for Identity. No memory, no self. During abuse period, the abuser deactivate your long-term memory, you can't defend yourself. You can't speak up or stand up against abuser because you don't even remember who you are before relationship. It's like immune system being penetrated by the virus. The healthy cells confuse that the virus is actually healthy and allow to get in. To recovery memories, i think Journaling about what have happened to you is helpful or you can talk to the therapist, talk out of your experiences. (Sorry for my English, I've tried my best to summarize)

[@enoch6977]

Helpful recap...thank you

[@ussylay3528]

Thank you it is helpful!

[@akunakii3782]

now match same words with love, all makes practical sense and not an illnes

[@kristentiveron4756]

I can not believe I found this video. I am not a lunatic. I am not alone. Thank you so much for this.

[@11mimiriri]

True

[@raphaulus]

Awoken!! Congrats. Detach and live!

[@lynnglass575]

I know how you feel I am the same I thought I was going insane

[@miketowler8747]

U are not alone.😊

[@sugar1973us]

My ex used to change my language. He would correct me and make me replace it with a phrase he wanted. Now I hesitate and "choke" on those phrases even after I left him, no contact. I don't know how to undo it. I used those words before I met him without no problem! It wasn't grammatically wrong. I couldn't say "Sure" or "That's fine" with him. It's like it's ingrained in my mind. I think he was a covert narcissist. Sadistic, dominant type in the bedroom. He wanted me as a submissive. So glad I'm no contact.

[@tricialoftus3588]

I’ve just escaped a narcissist of 2 and a half years. They are masers of their game. I’m in a state of shock and have been floored by the sheer evil of this man. He is already grooming others. It’s frightening they prey on vulnerable women and now thanks to online dating there is an open supply for them.

[@Paradiseislonely]

Yes that is very true My ex narc was on all Dating sites under a different name

[@marilynnelson4718]

I think I just met one on a dating line. Love bomb but nobody was there…. I was overwhelmed with the passion and love I felt and he said he had a special relationship with God and Angel. Intense

[@apetstaleanimalcaregivers3211]

SAME! Two and a half years of the most horrific betrayals and treachery. I couldn't even make it up. You aren't alone. 🫂

[@aijazsiddique8713]

I am glad you have escaped. Take care of yourself and stay safe!

[@Mvictoria222]

At 22, I’ve realized that I have put myself through some of the worst possible harm, by trying to protect myself. Never went for the obviously toxic guys in highschool, never batted an eye at the popular, arrogant athletes… what I didn’t realize is that I was simply going after the ones who were MUCH better at hiding their intentions.

[@amee9442]

Same, I saved myself from all the bad guys, got abused by a female psychopath

[@Mvictoria222]

@@amee9442 Heavy is the head that bares the crown. You made it out; love & solidarity 🌹

[@moniquenel854]

So true. I realised for a long time that I don't love him but then why did I want to keep him in my life ? The reason is ...no one ever painted such a pretty picture of me and yet no one ever painted such a ugly picture of me. I am slowly healing and your videos help me realise I wasn't insane and that the Narcissistic disorder is much deeper and worse than I ever knew. On the one hand it's sad but on the other it is liberating to know the ugly truth. The hot hold, on off is what eventually totally rendered me paralyzed. But then one day suddenly after a too long period of silent treatment he was using to punish me for laying down a boundary he discarded me for long enough not to interact with me at all and I saw the light. It was my ticket out.

[@BridgetGuerrera]

Same here and I’m 41

[@shoshanabatshekhinah4006]

@@moniquenel854you said what happens perfectly!

[@AsheepAtthewheel101]

Just two weeks out of a 25yr relationship with a covert narcissist and the growth is like the doors opening from jail. Thank you profoundly.

[@Hopeful1982]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾. Praise the Lord! 💐✝️🫂🕊️🙏🏽👑

[@siahulsey4856]

Me too!

[@vanessahollenbach85]

Bro/sis I am so happy for you. Please say a word in your prayers for those of us who are still trying to find the courage to leave. I'm ready but I'm praying for strength

[@AsheepAtthewheel101]

I didn't heal in two weeks, just that I was learning so fast and the more knowledge you gain you truely understand they are ill. That you are just caught in their twirling cyclone. They are exploiters...they enjoy causing you pain. You can be addicted to the abuse. That's trauma bonding...not love. When you can see and understand then you heal. They are energy harvesters. Turn your energy towards you. Ask for help from your God. It will come. Tell yourself you love yourself in the mirror every day!! You are meant to grow from this. It's a weird and painful gift that forces you to change. You can do this!

[@michelledarnell7380]

1 week after 11 years. It is painful and very difficult.

[@oilselevated4808]

My abuser of 32 years died a year ago, I realize he can’t hurt me anymore but I’m still struggling

[@oilselevated4808]

@@theoriginal7727 thank you. I actually found an amazing therapist and am doing well🙏

[@fatio6397]

My narcissist passed away in 2008, I'm still emotionally struggling as well...

[@oilselevated4808]

@@fatio6397 I’m doing great now! Once I realized that I was doing it to myself, I did everything in my power to 360* those feelings. I kept a journal (so I can see my improvements). Found an amazing therapist. Distracted myself every time I had a ruminating thought. Did things that gave me pleasure and finally took myself out of the prison in my mind. You can do it and be free🤗

[@RoadLessTravelled-o2p]

soooo interesting, i couldnt act while I was married to the narcicist. I thought it was me. Once husband cheated / discarded and left me, my kids and I have been getting so much done. Starting businesses, exercising, growing as people. While the narc was here is was like we were all frozen and couldnt move.He was never obviously abusive, but he always repeated everything. He was structured and always repeated everything. His language was odd and he was very predatory.

[@JH-td4mn]

Thank you for this video. It explains so well how the Narcissist/Psychopathic abuser takes over your mind and why it's so confusing, traumatising and isolating for the victim. Who would understand who hasn't been through it, it sounds fantastical, but from personal experience I know it's true? The hardest part of the relationship for me was the aftermath. For many months I felt like I'd been injected with poison. Like i'd been turned into a toxic dumping ground for the abuser's unresolved feelings such as rage, self loathing, despair, suicidal ideations. I didn't feel like myself. I had to remember who I was and work really hard on salvaging my fragmented identity and building a new one going forward. At least I realised that it was him who was disordered and sick. I had been naive and my boundaries weak. I have learnt so much from this horrific experience.

[@KleenaSupre]

you're not crazy that is exactly what they do.

[@JH-td4mn]

@@KleenaSupre - do you think they feel better when they do the "toxic brain dump"?! Are they aware on any level that they're doing it? 🤔

[@KleenaSupre]

@@JH-td4mn they seem to be prone to temporary relief, like addicts looking for a fix. they might not be aware that this behavior really is toxic. they normalise it, like have you ever been abused by someone who tried to claim it was normal or that they had the support of society or organisations or people that they don't? its a control tactic when they do that, it also makes them temporarily feel more important. narcissists are into STATUS SYMBOLS and people are extensions of their need for status symbols, so they want to be 'the boss' 'the king' 'the best' and they want everyone to acknowledge that (and overlook they are deeply flawed and miserable and on the bottom rung of society when they are). being on the bottom and being a narcissist isn't same thing, because most people can tolerate that, they accept that the world isn't a penthouse to play in for everyone. but a narcissist can't, they expect to have all the stuff a billionaire has and more. and its that 'and more' that gets them unstuck, they become like a drug addict. they want your love and reassurance and more - on tap. and when you're finally sucked dry they go looking for titty somewhere else. the idea there is they're uhm, possibly not aware that what they want does not matter in so far as it is hurting other people. they might be aware on some level that they do not care. and it is this do not care ' he can do what he wants' crap that is the second last layer of the software. undneath that is total spite and the fear of abandoment, which shows the false entitlement isues another way. 'he feels like you are abandoning him whn you do not meet his unrealistic and abusive expectations' and so he might be UNDEVELOPED MIND, he might be 'retarded' in development. No he isn't. He just has a toxic worldview. He's a Cartma that didn't meet the dog whisperer. If in some of that you can figure out whether he would know he's doing it cool if not be nice if Professor Sam replied it is his channel

[@natalkaflower]

Great comment. Sums up the experience well. As well as the lessons, including ignoring the red flags and intuition telling you something is up. One thing I like to reflect on is what was so broken in me that I allowed this person into my life and was so desperate for his attention I ignored the red flags and disregarded my boundaries. It doesn’t help that I was too trusting and couldn’t even fathom these creatures resembling humans exist .

[@PollyPop.]

You are completely describing my current journey. I keep second guessing myself on multiple angles on multiple remunerations...because I don’t know quite who I am anymore. I’m staying away and healing. I will attract better people when I am healed. It’s lonely right now...But necessary. I owe it to my beautiful soul 🙏 I’m practising self love, rather than handing over that responsibility to someone less capable than me! ❤️ Stay strong beautiful souls.

[@janebethshimon]

Both my parents were predatory abusers, 3 siblings, all narcissistic sisters, too. I didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell. I'm gaining a lot of understanding from Pr. Vaknin's videos, but it's bittersweet to know this late in life, almost 70. My life, me, who I am and was meant to be, was stolen from me. By the way, Pr. V., I wouldn't go to Disneyland if you gave me a ticket for free.😂 I intensely dislike amusement parks. Wonder why?

[@davidbarran6558]

The silent treatment and dévaluation of thier victim is a daily répétition for control. Its good to unhinge

[@cynthiadidier977]

The narcissist, the stalker, the love bomber neighbor man who moved into my apartment group in May 2022 directly across from my apartment immediately repeatedly started hitting on me. I didn't confront him; I just turned and walked away. I repeatedly refused any conversation with him. Finally, he became so frustrated he began a smear campaign with people in this complex that don't even know me; some bought it, and others did not. When I would go get my mail, he would come out of his apartment, do his thug stance, and glare at me like he was going to beat me up. Catch me driving into the complex and run down the sidewalk to stand and glare at me as I park my car, always working to catch my eye. July 2023- spoke to management (he's just messing with you, they laughed), and I have spoken to the police (it's not against the law for someone to give you mean looks). I don't even know this man's name to file a protection order. I cannot afford to break my lease. After I talked to management his behavior let up, then started back up in October 2023 to date. Oh yeah, turns out this retired man is married to a disabled woman. I will be moving as soon as my lease is up. I am 70 years old.

[@SuzyMartinez-f3n]

Creepy

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

I live in the UK & moved to a new area recently where I have experienced stalking behaviour from different guys. I've experienced similar experience to you, with behaviour ranging from lovebombing, to stalking to hyper aggressive behaviour at me randomly just while minding my own business just going about my own life in my neighborhood. I've called the police in all situations but they've just taken notes & made reports & done nothing beyond give me advice because so far nothing has escalated to violence. I dealt with 1 guy by talking to his family who got him to stop. Another guy is the steward of some land I rent, he also was pestering me & acting like a stalker giving me flowers one minute then breaking my fences, stealing my firewood & cutting up timber I'd saved to build with & burnt everything against my permission like a psycho the next. Now I just avoid him where possible & have complained to the secretary & have put up some new fences with my partner & make sure I never go alone now. I recently had another guy in my neighborhood coming up to me randomly harassing me & telling me he would slap me around just for feeding birds outside my building. I talked to the police as well as the maintenance. The police suggested making sure I keep my phone with me & be ready to film him & find out his address if he approaches me again so they have evidence to prosecute him if necessary they can take him to court to prosecute him if he continues. I talked to the maintenance caretaker & his wife & some other residents to get some moral support. After the last time he almost ran me over & threatened me, I was shaking with anxiety. I talked to the police, then I told myself that I didn't want to be intimidated & I needed to be strong & prepare myself mentally to deal with him if I saw him again & make a plan & rehearse how I would deal with him. I figured I know what car he drives now so I can check if it's there to avoid him. I got an umbrella to take with me which is a natural deterrent. I figured if I see him I can just avoid him & film him if he approaches me. Last time I saw him, he was sitting for me in his car, next to where I feed the birds & I saw him waiting for me. So I just stayed on my side of the road next to my building, & went to talk to one of my neighbours. I just stood there & talked to her until eventually he got bored of waiting for nothing & walked off. I saw him a few days later outside my local supermarket but he didn't see me. His body posture looked miserable, weak & depressed. From what I gather, he looks like a divorced single guy, disappointed in life. Now I've worked out how to just stay clear of him, & just avoid him if I do see him. I feel more confident. I think the issue with these kinds of guys who target women is that they clearly have issues they want to take out on women even they don't know. So you just need to find support & be prepared to take measures to avoid them or document them if you can't. Talk to someone in your building block, & ask the police for advice & plan how you will deal with him so you're not intimidated. Don't suffer in silence. ✌️

[@4207SumiB]

I can only hope the best for you..

[@cynthiadidier977]

@@4207SumiB, Thank You, I moved out of state in December 2024 after this creep escalated his dangerous behavior to the point that I feared for my physical safety, as well as that he was intent on damaging my property. I am presently decompressing at my son's house, feeling much better. Thanks again

[@jahlive1243]

I highly doubt that the one I dealt with was ever smart enough to do any of this on purpose. I really think its just naturally the way a narcissist is wired. He’s the smartest dummy ever. And Sam, the material is not hard to understand when you’ve gone through 15 years of abuse. I can pinpoint every step you described in my own *relationSHIT.* Now that I’ve woken up from this “dream” I’m highly pissed off with myself. I was willfully being an idiot. I appreciate the disgust I feel for this person but it was at my own expense. Never once came close to being worth it and somehow I stayed for 15 years. 🤮😤🤬

[@samvaknin]

Narcissists don't do any of this on purpose.

[@mavisharris692]

30+ years in this marriage from hell. I have no idea why exactly I stayed. It was like being lost in a fun house hall of mirrors. Everything was distorted, twisted, but still vaguely recognizable. Stumbling from year to year, decade to decade down endless corridors of insanity. But I finally found the exit!!!! Doesn't it feel great?🎉

[@Florence3121]

“Healing is becoming you again” But if you were born in that system, if your abuser is your mother, then what are you supposed to become? Your own true self never got the chance to develop, it was crushed from the start. Thank you for the great video/insights, Pr. Vaknin

[@6drk6mrc6]

For me it was my father and still nobody fucking notices it in the family, it is covert and mild.

[@brownsugar9886]

I met a narcissist who used ketamin to disassociate. So now I get why.

[@samvaknin]

@@brownsugar9886 Dissociate.

[@emmaester5284]

I found a 12 step programme-(al anon-saved my life) they talk about HOW to recover-honesty openness and willingness/and they talk alot about detachment ,with love,-I did love the narcs -there’s daily meetings on zoom-and yt ‘shares’ about loosing self to the dis-ease of alcoholism(ism stands for internal spiritual malady) I think of narcissism as a spiritual sickness:malady -it may help xx (if youv ever been affected by alcoholism in anybody or even to understand and learn please come by) xx also listening to AA shares and NA shares helped me as I was addicted to these sick people-I had the problem of going back!!! It just helps-please try them xxx

[@AllyCurtis-tk6ry]

❤❤❤❤😇😇😇🧐🧐🧐🫣🫣🙈🙈 Idea: The old religious figures/Greek attempt to give mental and physical diseases through black magic and the medical community. They are schizophrenia. They are narcissism. ✊️✊️✊️✊️✊️✊️✊️✊️ The old religious/Greek figures have put people in genders of bodies that are not their own with an evil purpose. This is why trans people exist. And surgery is a basic human right. They are also responsible for detransitioners existing. They abuse on gender and sexuality and control in these areas to attempt to confuse and change souls from who they are. The old religious/Greek figures are all controlling our bodies and are the voices. They are getting in our bodies to rape, murder and speak thoughts that are not our own. They have long term evil intentions and a very long past to cover up. 🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷🫷 Religion has been used against the human population and the fear of hell for a long-term purpose of keeping us controllable. This is beyond full body/mind control they can do magic style. The old religious/Greek figures are arranging the marriages/relationships of the populace without consent. The psychic rapes are from old religious/Greek figures not a human person. It’s not kundalini as well. 🫷🫷🫷 Twin flame is very dangerous. People from above are attempting to pair you up as they did previously. It’s a fate based system where everything is chosen for you on birth. That life is just planned and it actually is by the old religious/Greek figures to be honest. But truly if you think about extreme poverty and acid attacks you’d have to see life is not fated. It’s a mess. The universe couldn’t know you at 0. I would never try to take the idea of love or potential of love from someone. It's the idea it was created on birth your lover and it's very fate based. The world and you was done the day you were born. And it can be used against you the idea of a match up that is chosen in advance of you becoming you by the universe (but is the old religious figures). And that things are set in stone and you don’t choose your partner. It sets you up to not see abuse and to accept any treatment because they are the one. It’s so dangerous. You have a forever someone who will have to work to remain your forever just like you will but it’s not set in stone and no one knows who it is besides you. You just will have a lover. And it’s the religious and Greek figures trying to control people to get together. By forcing souls to be with one another without consent through manipulation and control. Trying to get in the idea that the universe knows your partner or yourself better than you. Trying to plant signs of something that is not. They do this with all sorts of topics. They are the one touching you and talking to you. Evil Cupids. Evil People. We all will win though. And people will know that control exists. Who is truly at fault. And love will be found. If you want it. And there is unlimited food/drink in heaven. I wish you all the best. 😅😮😢…😂❤🎉❤❤❤🤩🤩🤩🤩🥹💖🙏🙏🫶🫶🫶🫶🤩🤩🎉🎉🎉🎉😊😊😊😊😊

[@wikkiyildiz]

As a linguist who used to work at the University, but somehow was trapped by the narcissistic personality and was removed from almost all areas of life for 13 years, I totally got what you mean. The moment i “woke up” , my first step was to separate one buy one thoughts and emotions, to sort them out and put to the trash those which don’t belong to me. I am still working on it. I got few times medical check up for my brain, because I used to forget everything, like the day before didn’t exist and all days were literally the same. I don’t know why and how, but after I got out of the cage no migraines, no forgetting and good keeping of everything in my had. I remember first when I started having these strange feelings that something was wrong, I told him many times “ you cannot take me from me”, but he did. Now i am on my way back to myself.

[@_organicallyu]

I finally was able to break the trance of an insidious spiritual narcissist. Who also is a dj which blew my mind with all references to music, took courses and read NLP material, and watched hypnosis videos. Lucifer was also a musician.

[@ThorirThorsteinsson]

Professionals treating victims don't always know what they are dealing with. Many have no insight into what "narcissistic abuse" is. Some may even be unaware narcissists themselves. The foggy trauma following a narcissistic relationship is not identical with normal grief after breakup.

[@juliabarlowtaylor4030]

Hello Prof. Sam..I am a 69 yr old woman who 18 months ago discarded my narcissist after 30 years of torture..mental, spiritual , physical and emotional. I am a former Registered Nurse Midwife and hold 5 qualifications. I never write back to any of the other many podcasts but feel compelled to contact you to congratulate 🎉you on your brilliant mind. You have helped me so much and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everything is starting to make sense..but as you know we never stop learning. I don't know what country you are in but I am in Australia. I'm so sorry to hear of your childhood..I too suffered greatly but learnt to forgive. Thank you SO much..and yes you are a genius!!❤

[@11mimiriri]

North Macedonia

[@amberfuchs398]

"The music of abuse" resonates strongly. It does have words, meter, tone, selective silence, etc. It also creates dissonance in the nervous system. Whereas, secure attachment behaviors help create harmony.

[@eschretz5363]

This is what dictators do to masses of their followers and why their followers become so emotionally attached and vulnerable to them.

[@angelabardoe3752]

Selective silence. Truth.

[@fredifeinkost1985]

Great comment! I can confirm the effects on the nervous-system by a personal experience. In my case, my left hand remained shaking for month (!) after a single, random encounter with such an abusive person. The shaking finally stopped, but the memory in my mind remains scary.

[@cielciel1535]

A strong self =The shared fantasy is doomed,it cannot be sustained .

[@aijazsiddique8713]

Yeah. A strong self means that it will be difficult to become enmeshed with the abuser.

[@christinamunoz4163]

Boy would I love to drive around town with this video blaring on a mega speaker 😂😂😂 I think everyone should be warmed of these tapeworms, they’re around every corner.

[@nhopkins1979]

I do blast it around town because I'm hard of hearing 😅😅😅

[@loekiekanters4295]

I was in a coma for 29 years. I think I brainwashed myself. Then I started remembering things again. The result was a dark night of the soul. Memory is indeed important. I had been analyzing my dreams for a long time. And finally in a dream lay the key.

[@aijazsiddique8713]

Incredible. Had a similar experience. I literally went through a dark night of the soul when I started remembering everything. It shook me.

[@katiedid9601]

And yes, I am mourning the lost time that I was not fully present for my husband, my children who are now adults, and understand completely what my mother has done to me. What a horrible thing!

[@kavitadesai8591]

Me too … n also her co dependent husband

[@reinad9957]

Omg this is what I can’t explain to people when they say why do you go back? I feel addicted. So he controls my emotions and I’m basically a darn zombie. Now I know why he doesn’t stay away long because then he chances me finding myself and healing. I need to recover from this so bad😢

[@luarnastrahan343]

I love the sense of humour 😊I escaped after 20 years with a narcissist. I’m so grateful I have my sense of humour, it has kept me sane.

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

I finally had enough last May and left. After him trying to financially, emotionally abuse myself over the last year, our divorce was finalzied. I've been No Contact since last May. I thought I would return to "myself" when the kids and I got our own place. After a year and 3 months I went to the movies the other night with my 21 year old son. We laughed. It felt so good. Looking back at the past year he said, "mom you're coming back again.". My ex beat me down and for awhile I froze there. To laugh and smile again is Priceless.

[@ΜΑΡΙΑΠΑΠΑΔΟΠΟΥΛΟΥ-π7ω]

And at the end of the day, we victims watch Professor Vaknin's videos struggling to heal ourselves via understanding what it was that happened to us, that emotionally sadistic situation that would turn into sexually sadistic, had we victims not ended it and the egocentric man is already flirting and partying as if all that had never been real. So enlightening Professor Vaknin, totally describing my mental and psychological state in details. I am 45 and still learning myself and others. Thank you.

[@suzannefoglesong3278]

Thank you for affirming that my strong sense of self, integrity, and strong values have saved me from surrendering to predatory relationships. I simply thought that I was stubborn.

[@diamondedevil]

now that everybody n they mama b talkin bout narcissistic abuse, listening to prof sam is like a breath of fresh air bc u can tell he knows what hes talkin about n its been immensely healing for me the being able to understand what the fuck happened to me n why i still sometimes feel his judging evil gaze over me even when im no contact hes still inside my mind and my spirit

[@greenfields396]

Great discussion. Its not about growing and becoming better. Its about losing everything you are not

[@kcbertin4777]

Thank you so much for this video!!!! I’m in the messy thick of trying to separate from my abusive narcissistic husband of 9 years. I get so frustrated with myself for allowing the abuse for so long. I’m also really struggling with the fact that a mom’s BARE MINIMUM responsibility is to protect her kids… I hate myself so much for not protecting my poor sweet innocent children from what they’ve seen and suffered … he bullied them and definitely was emotionally abusive to them and they’ve also had to watch him both emotionally and physically abuse me. We’re separated right now and I have the kids but I’m so afraid I’m not going to have the fortitude and courage to do what needs to be done. I’m paralyzed by the fear that it’s true that I’m incapable of doing life without my husband’s “help” and I’m so conditioned by the infinite insults and criticisms that even though i “know” it’s not all true, i physically become almost bed bound with fear and depression and anxiety that maybe he’s right and I’m the problem. I mean how much more could I possibly be willing to tolerate??? How many more times can I listen to him call toddlers names and terrorize them!?!? I’m a smart gal, I’ve got a masters degree, I make good money, why can’t I make the decision and file for divorce?!? Why do I think I love him?!? I feel like a pathetic lazy coward, and a really terrible mom. I love these kids more than anything, I hate myself for not being better for them. If you’ve made it this far, bless you sorry, it just feels good to remind myself of reality. But man this is torture. Soul sucking misery . I just want to have the courage to file. I pray for it daily. Any advice I’m all ears. Thanks for sharing this topic. Thanks for reading

[@Claire-13rs]

Oh darling! Sending angles speeding on wings of love to you and your children now. May you be free!

[@irenahabe2855]

Pls don't beat yourself... You could not know in advance how he is. Go away in your time - this will be the best 4 u and your kids. All the best 2u. The best is yet to come. 🍀🍀🍀

[@annchaney6843]

I hope you will see this, months later! Dr. Vaknin is the authority on NPD. No doubt a wonderful resource. There is someone else that specializes in getting you out of a narcissistic marriage, and that's Dr. David E. Clarke. (He has a KZbin channel.) He can also do individual sessions with you. He talks about how to explain this to your children as well. Good luck! It has to get better!

[@heidismutti]

This is familiar. My emotions were 100% his. I didn’t like who I became when I was with him. So sad.

[@superflymidgetpi]

You are a great teacher and hilarious man. I’ve been devouring your material, having been in a devastating and painful 7 year relationship. I particularly appreciate your incisive and creative language.

[@sassierover]

@@ladyvirgo013same 12 years.. now being discarded. Thankfully 😊

[@ladytricia9808]

This makes narcissism so much more understood.

[@sandrabellerue2836]

Loved the tapeworm analogy. Retired EEG tech (brainwave) in neuropsychiatry. Your lecture absolutely dead on, in fact music played nearly 100% in his behavior. He embraced it like a heroin addict. I experienced his entrainment from age 74-76. No contact 9 mos now. Thank you for your enlightenment and imagery.

[@saradwyer2451]

This makes so much sense when we loose “self” we disassociate from reality to deal with it!

[@andywilliams7989]

Slightly off subject but... when I am going through very confusing periods, I get songs stuck in my head. I have learned that the quicker I look up the lyrics the sooner the thing dissappears. Most often but not always, in the lyrics are the phrases that I need to say to myself but can't. How amazing the human brain is.

[@thespiritchannelers555]

That happens to me too x

[@miniprepper8284]

Old video, but your comment reminded me of how I woke up this morning dreaming of being a humming refrigerator. First thing I do in the morning is drag myself to the spare fridge to get a protein shake. I believe my mind was telling me it was time to get up and get my shale.

[@elizabethmiller3384]

Professor Vaknin, I listen to your videos mostly at night so I don’t get interrupted and I can think. This one was mind-blowing as I have been examining my anxiety, when it occurs, what triggers it. I’ve been trying to figure out my niggling feeling that it is a learned behavior, not my own. Now I know it is from two npd parents who had severe anxiety themselves and modeled it throughout my childhood. I don’t need this anxiety, it’s not mine and now I have to figure out how to disable it, to get rid of it. It is a physical reaction that I don’t ask for. Thank you for this enlightenment. I’m 71, the last one is finally gone and the fog is lifting

[@Lucylight-h5r]

Well for childhood narcissistic abuse then, this is beyond serious.......

[@redcrowdemon]

Maddy Longhurst (not Nigel) here. This is horrific! My covert narc discarded me for a second time two months ago. He had been grooming me for 38 years (yes!!) and when our partners died we got together (in 2014). Then my daughter got metastatic breast cancer in 2015 and died in 2020. Looking back my narcissist was a complete nightmare through that time. He self-confessed he had zero empathy for my daughter (or us, her family) Good God!!! I’m freaking out. Thank you Sam - and Help!!!!

[@JinJinDoe]

Why tf would you comment from your abusers account?

[@AlchemyByNature369]

@JinJinDoe you said it! First step in healing is admitting our part.

[@AlchemyByNature369]

Many Thanks, Sam! O boy once you leave Disney, it's a whole new world. Recovery is no joke and yes lots of grief to still over come. 💛🎶✨️🌻

[@Wilde_Childe]

I am lucky my narcissist enjoyed getting fresh supply out at the bars and would leave me alone for hours or days on end while he sought validation elsewhere. I felt abandoned and it was extremely hurtful but looking back, I can see those times spent utterly alone & away from his influence allowed me to begin to come back to myself.

[@raimi8mm]

“The Music of Abuse” …. Good lord… I am so thankful I found your videos sir… I wish I can reach out. I wish I can talk to you one on one. My subconscious is screaming and is one fire. I need your help.

[@Капибаркинс_123]

Я смотрю на вас и буквально идеализирую, огромное спасибо вам, потому что то, что вы озвучиваете беспокоило меня долгие 15 лет и я не могла понять что со мной не так и никто меня не понимал, я копалась в себе, и оправдывала нарцисса всегда, но теперь мне все стало понятно и встало на свои места, я чувствую себя свободной спустя столько лет😢❤

[@pianomarieatthekeys2573]

Wow..what a brilliant analogy of what our brains can conjour up ..the word that comes to mind is " Copycat"..to project all their inadequacies, vile abuse, hot and cold tempers ..to give a false sense of reality..how good are they at destroying all our goodness, moral codes, and generosity unlimited, to be engulfed in horrendous tears, depressed to the core, feelings of unworthiness ..the list goes on..i will be listening to this a few times and will be taking notes..i am a musician..so i can relate to what sam is saying..this has been a lightbulb 💡 moment for me.. Amd after two years of living a dream, ive finally awoken! Thank you sam for this content..it has spoken to me deeply. Marie

[@sabrinat.8146]

😱 this is the best thing ever i have listened to to scare me enough to choose to never again think at that person again ❤

[@sophiachampsi8953]

This is so intetesting, looking back, yes, it was a shared fantasy, I tried to explain to myself what it was that I loved about him, and its as if, I was in love with a projected image , what I wanted him to be....it all makes sense now...

[@darktorrent_]

I think many fans of (repetitive) electronic dance music intuitively understand this. Think about what is happening: thousands of people gather, in an open area, or tent, and "sync" their brain waves to the waves coming out of the speakers

[@vampoftrance]

I write Trance Music. This is the idea behind the message in sound.

[@Paradiseislonely]

I thought the same and my ex narcissist loves festivals and dṟügs

[@runswithraptors]

All music has that same effect

[@tanyablanton6720]

I had 20 years in NPD marriage. When I got out, no one knows my joy! However, I married a borderline, now 16 years, and about to go crazy. I didn’t know what I was getting into, BOTH times!! Learning from you!! Thanks so much!

[@godsavethecoffeecake]

How did you know I needed this video? I frequently watch your videos right before bed to commit it to memory. The PTSD and intrusive thoughts are relentless. I hope I fully heal one day.

[@KleenaSupre]

DV?

[@adriennedouke1880]

I know what you mean. This video is just what the dr. ordered. I have struggled for years now to get this person out of my head. Just constantly thinking of him. It's driving me nuts. I just want him gone from my consciousness. Hoping to one day wake up and he is gone. Thank you Sam for the enlightenment.

[@alvildasophiaalegria800]

They stop being relentless. Remember to be patient, hence kind to yourself. It took me two years, out of 65, to unravel the madness in my brain. I hope this helps you.

[@KleenaSupre]

@@adriennedouke1880 how much is the ptsd and how much is entities or energy or mirror switches if someone bombarded your head you might take awahile to undo the bombardment (spiritual segue)

[@rebeccaj7164]

​@@adriennedouke1880 I've had the same - you are not alone. Some spin a much stronger web of confusion than others. You will get through this. As others have said be kind to yourself and keep declaring daily that you will overcome. Faith is the vehicle of recovery with narcissistic abuse. Faith is believing when you can see no way out. God is the healer of all wounds no matter how traumatic. Sometimes we go through these things not so that we can return back to who we were before the narcissist but so that we can be a new creation after and one that is even better and stronger and spiritually deeper than before.

[@finseven6951]

I'm just 1 week into waking up, holy f**k. Will be watching the rest of these and thank goodness ive found them. Feeling so scared that i lost myself, gives me a lot of hope reading these comments, thank you all & thank you Prof Sam ❤

[@11mimiriri]

Same

[@alfredajohnson5587]

I am blown away by your brilliance and I agree with you about the brainwashing of verbal and physical abuse of a narcissist. Truly you are a genius in neuroscience and psychology. I am a psychology student. Thank you.

[@AlchemyByNature369]

Is there a support group we can All join so we can share our experiences? I ask this because until I found Sam, I thought I was crazy. When explaining these behaviors, to people, they are very unbelievable. Covertness goes very deep and is very disturbing.

[@redcrowdemon]

I hope so! (Maddy here not Nigel)

[@italiama79]

Let create a group. People that haven't experienced this do not understand it and think we're crazy

[@hardhatcatboi]

100%! Do NOT go to therapy with the narc! They are master manipulators and they WILL turn the therapist against you and then YOU will be the one with the personality disorder

[@patriciaortiz2069]

Yeah nobody believes this happen to us they think I’m crazy when I tell the stories of what happen I guess it’s hard to believe unless happens to you I stop telling anybody this stories I was been look at as if I was crazy so I totally understand you

[@AlchemyByNature369]

@Barbara thank you. I didn't consider the 'group' thing. Long road of healing for sure. Few and far between theapists that can even relate. Finding alternative modalities of therapy very helpful.

[@illil1844]

Explains why societies where learning is based on oral traditions repeat certain behaviors in oral narratives - usually to create the social norm. Always thought this and now I must read more

[@11mimiriri]

Interesting. Could you please give us an example of that kind of society? Many thanks.

[@larryparks1520]

Really appreciate your work. I thought i knew people. I had no idea!

[@davidcristianisaila2300]

Thank you for your work. browsing your channel while going through this emotional hell has been eye opening.

[@paulatidwell8580]

Thank you for helping all of us who are on a mission to find ourself again. It feels like a horrible whirlwind while you’re in it. And coming out of the confusion and fog is a godsend. I am still more shocked that I fell into this in the first place. Hit me hard out of nowhere. Thank you again!

[@AsheepAtthewheel101]

Humor in the face of everything can make us connect and resolve things better 😊

[@latifadogan9842]

Thank you for this insight , no one explains as well as this man

[@lifescalling8080]

This is so interesting! I think I created fantasies about my father loving me. As time went on I began to realize that he never did. Once I understood that it was about him, and not because of me, I was able to let go of the self-hatred his distain for me created. Even as a child I recognized that music had a regulating effect on me. When I needed to express myself and it wasn’t safe to do so in words or actions, music was my outlet. I remember my father reacting angrily when he heard me singing My Life, by Billy Joel… 😂 When I am very angry or need to cry, music has a way of helping me unlock my emotions.

[@mindyjones333]

You have single-handedly helped me to finally understand and give words to what has been happening to me for 8 months. I cannot thank you enough!!!

[@wendymorrill]

Having been caught up in an unhealthy and abusive 'fantastical' friendship, I can relate to much of this. One of the unexpectedly difficult parts of emerging from an abusive relationship like this is the reclaiming of yourself - especially if you're not happy with (or love) what you have to reclaim... which is probably a factor in what led you into the situation in the first place! Figuring out why and how you got into it, tolerated it and contributed to the dynamic is tough. Thanks for these vids, I find them engaging thought-starters. And the ones that are long and perhaps less relevant to me are good to fall asleep to, LOL 😉

[@11mimiriri]

I fall asleep too sometimes by listening long ones. How nice!

[@shannongoulding5440]

Interesting! I used music to help heal both in and out of the relationship. I also reinforce my perspective of the abuse in my past relationship with music. I created a playlist called narcissistic detox. 😂😅 I would still take his narrative and had a hard time detaching from the shared fantasy. Whenever I listened to my narcissistic detox playlist, it would bring more power to my side, and his side held less power over me. My perspective is pretty solid now. It is A LOT of work!

[@Marie23305]

Can you share some of the music you used?!

[@shannongoulding5440]

@Marie23 sure!!! Better Man, Ellie Goulding Let it Die, Ellie Goulding Narcissist, Avery Anna Narcissist, Laura Spencer Smith Better Luck Next Time, Kelsea Ballerini Lose You to Love Me, Selena Gomez Praying, Kesha You Should Be Sad, Halsey How Dare You, Rachel Grae Without Me, Halsey Love Myself, Hailey Steinfeld Heart Like A Truck, Lainey Wilson Undo, Sanna Nielsen Free Me, Anees

[@shannongoulding5440]

They are aware of it enough that they actively go seeking their emotional needs in ways they know will create conflict in a person's life. So I would be a person who agrees that they are aware... I would think there are various degrees in which they may not understand the full effect they have on the supply. I also have an inspirational playlist I listen to. The Narcissist Detox is used to help me strengthen my side of the story, especially when I hear his version of me play in my head.

[@RAMRRR545]

And the narc I was with used music itself to cave me in!!

[@mallikasomershein1108]

​@brendoni I think mostly subconscious. Abusers are the former abused. They are self-centered, so caught in their own emotions that they can't see outside of their own feelings or unwilling to see the harm they cause others bc it would damage their self-concept of being right/eous) plus it's the only way they know how to get their needs met, so it's a zero sum, you VS me game, where they are the "loser" if not being the abuser.

[@PollyPop.]

We are frequency and vibration 🙏

[@sandragalloway3275]

Liked your description of becoming a clone of yourself.... speaks volumes. Thank you for this video.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

You describe my relationship with my ex-spouse, and my family of origin. I washed my hands of the lot of them and feel an enormous relief. Thank you Sam for your ongoing and pioneering work describing narcissistic abuse. Your perspective adds exponentially to my understanding. All the best to you. ☮️

[@amindfulcounselor]

I can see my x watching this and saying "See this is him! This is the abuser!" I was in and out of the relationship (because something didn't feel right), confused, maybe even sometimes (unintentionally) mean. She would tell me I was the abuser. I bought her a book about male abusers called Why Does He Do That. Big Mistake- she told me so much described me in this book. I was perplexed by this accusation. I am not perfect. I made a lot of bad mistakes in the relationship but NEVER wanted to hurt her (she sure hurt me good). The philosophy of narcissism seems so arbitrary. I always assumed she was the narcissist after the brutal discard. After how much she turned on me and smeared me after discard and started a life with someone else. I've not seen or spoken with her in over a year and still think of her almost every minute of every day despite consistent meditation practice (chronic grief). I feel I got screwed and betrayed by someone I thought would not do that but I can see her watching this video or any video on Narcissism and using it to validate her behavior and decisions. Maybe I am the Narc? Maybe she is? I am sure she no longer thinks of me and has fully moved on but I am still recovering and seeking resolution. I am still vulnerable to melting if she comes back (which I hope does not happen). Every time I watch these videos on Narcissism I can't help but think it is a very subjective psychological philosophy. I am sure many Narcissists watch these videos and get validation for their beliefs and behaviors and accuse the empath of being the narc. It is an imperfect social science.

[@11mimiriri]

True

[@gbee23]

Very well said and EXCELLENT point/ perspective!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@aliciaserrano888]

So true. I’ve had to ask my friends and family to remind me who I was and what I liked to do. It’s like I’ve been in a haze for 23 years.

[@Emilia-hu4dx]

Thank you, prof. Vaknin. I really need my brain back.

[@Lymm-r9h]

After 20 years and still with a narcissist, I’m sure that I’m damaged to the point I can’t have another relationship, and I’m sure that I can’t trust anyone, I feel like a robot most of the time.

[@tanyablanton6720]

Get out! God will help you!

[@aijazsiddique8713]

Get out as soon as you can! There is great hope if you take the first few steps.

[@AgentStoobing]

You summed it up beautifully, and it's so damn common - how do we ever get free of this?

[@gmr1241]

This is an absolute eye-opener.

[@Inreallife25]

This guy had such a handle on shared fantasies that he was trying to support 2 at one time. Switching back and forth like a puppeteer. After the mask fell all the way off…I felt like this guy had no ownership of anything in his life like…I just work here. 😂😂😂

[@itisalright2785]

Oh my God!! I have been saying that there is so much I don’t remember and trying to figure that out. He came to see me every day for months and I barely remember any of it.

[@elly6136]

Dear Sam, This really is your best video ever! Thank you so much for helping me understand what happened to me... It feels like i was cursed from day one. I told him he lived in a fairytale, but it took me years (after break up) to step out of the fairytale myself. He lives 10 meters away from me. That's what made it extra hard to free myself. And since last week he has started a new fairytale, with my best friend. And she lives in the other side of my house. Looks like she's falling for it... He never stops! Your video's are so helpful ❤

[@beacleary9889]

You’re my go to; you are genius to break this down in such detail, that it can’t be denied; this IS what’s happening..Thankyou for you’re amazing help…x

[@4207SumiB]

I am only 6 minutes into this video and I recognize myself. I went ‘no contact’ with my 6 year narcissistic poly partner 1 year ago and I wondered why I still grieved. I made the decision to leave the relationship when a mutual friend said my partner cannot understand the concept of love. I went thru many agonizing times attempting to determine why I was being devalued, disrespected. Yet, I still returned to the relationship. My ego was overpowering everything, including losing the love and confidence I had for myself. I cannot wait to finish watching. I will attempt to give an update.

[@4207SumiB]

The more I listen to this the more I realize this last partner took so much of me. They introduced me to only people who could ….I cannot explain. I am just so happy I ENDED THIS RELATIONSHIP.!

[@Inspire_SelfLove]

-Dreaming of Fantasy - The Perfect Fairytale Beginning, Hiding All the Lies in Fantasy. It is but a Dream until it was the Living Nightmare of Reality. 🖋️ Tania Nay 8-30-22 This is a poem I wrote when I was in the middle of my ugly divorce from a narcissistic!! & It totally sounds like what you are discussing. I haven't shared this too much. But I feel it was such a short to the point poem, hope you enjoy. And I hope it helps wake up anyone lost in one of these relationships. Thanks so much for your videos. I'm pretty new to your world (only a few months) BUT THIS HAS HELPED ME process and make so much sense of my situation after my initial healing.

[@tartanbessy436]

This is really helping many other explanations and conversations about this finally sink in. Thank you. I also find being autistic with many health conditions causing exhaustion and brain fog, no matter how much i know on the subject, im still easily jooped. Yes once given space and time thanks to delayed processing to figure it out i realise ive been played but jeez its hard work and complicated. Narcisists do love us ill, exhausted folk 🙄

[@briarts]

Being autistic and having grown up with narc abuse, I feel the same. I'm well-versed on this stuff and can eventually "wake up" but it still takes me a bit of time.

[@ViolaRigs]

Thank you, Prof. Vaknin, this is an accurate reality of abuse. I was not able to help my disabled son to develop because I was so busy to discriminate on what reality and what was not. The wake-up is so painful. Where I have been for the last 17 years?

[@ld9862]

Entrainment. New word in my vocabulary. Very timely for me.

[@mauraorrell8766]

If the narcissist wants you to behave in a certain way or accomplish particular goals, could self sabotage be a form of rebellion against the narcissist?

[@UntetheredGrace]

This is one of the most Powerful videos Ive ever seen. And your closing sentence... wow. Thank you.

[@sophiebazgier9596]

Shared psychosis ha ha Thank you for your video and your sense humour. It is - unfortunately, 100% like you describe. I am after nelly 1 year after getting out...still fighting with this mind inside of me which are not mine. Jealousy, competition, grief... everything which cutting my authensity and creativity...

[@sabrinat.8146]

Heal is becoming you ❤

[@mariaelenarodriguez6188]

Dr. Vaknin, your videos have been of enormous help to understand my experience and myself (and the narcissist). Thank you so much.

[@erickanorris567]

The best thing that can happen is when the abuser becomes so self confident they forget the intermittent reinforcement . I was able to release myself for a relative with cluster B traits. When she noticed I wasn't playing along she kept trying and I finally actually said flat out " you forgot the intermittent reinforceemnt" I work in animal behavior, it's all the same thing, people, dogs, horses, parrots.

[@briarts]

That is what happened with my recent ex. She had me under her control at first until she began implementing way more punishment than reinforcement. I'm a BCBA. I even started tracking frequency data for "good days" and made an operational definition. I stopped playing along and started calling her out on things. I was thinking of ways to safely break-up when she discarded me.

[@ScottWebb27]

@@briarts very interesting. they get lazy! Or do they just start to seriously love the abuse and being cruel? Hm

[@briarts]

@@ScottWebb27 , I think they always love the abuse but some do get to a lazy point and overestimate how strong their control is.

[@JGraham-hx8gm]

I was in hopes that a video would come out on how to get pass the narcissist. This video is deep and makes so much sense

[@tripzville7569]

Great content. A lot of this reminds me of Psychosis . Psychosis - Severe mental disorder in which the suffers contact with reality becomes highly distorted.

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

Thank you professor Vaknin, I really appreciate finding your videos online at this time in my life. They are really helpful.

[@ttct9035]

Thank you for covering this topic again.

[@markhogan77]

As always - Sam beautifully articulates some of the most complex concepts - nobody comes close !.. thank you Sam 👍👍

[@alvildasophiaalegria800]

No I understand how come I couldn’t get their ‘hands’ off me. Entrainment and Individuation. But for me to get this I needed to grief them being my reverse mirrors. 😕 And I didn’t like what I saw. Thanks much professional Sam! Everything during my past two year daily lessons on your work is coming full circle. I need to understand how mortification plays out a little more, in my behavior.

[@teeyaquintana]

And THERE HE IS. ITS SO NICE TO HEAR YOU SEE YOU! Welcome back my friend.

[@kamilacanbell]

Your knowledge and insights into psychology are downright addictive! I can't stop watching your videos. Thank You for sharing your wisdom, and I can't wait for more videos!

[@lulubelle1040]

This sounds like how we fall in love and stay together over time. It seems uncomfortable.

[@rameshsrivastavachandra]

This video changed my life !

[@petrinaude6032]

You are really helping a lot of people through your work!

[@terriby1]

I cannot thank you enough for the lecture. I am getting fighting to get away from loss of self.