Your first lesbian love: the good, the bad and the ugly | Toxic Mental Tuesday Ep. 8

[@SavonnePearson]

Update y’all: a couple months after the breakup (and a month after this video) I came across the attachment theory. It was reading up on it that helped me get closure from my first love so if you’re struggling like I was in the video to articulate the hot and coldness of dealing with your partner, I strongly suggest you check out the attachment theory!

[@interlude709]

Never in my life have I commented on a video but this really helped me and genuinely I’d like to say thank you.

[@SavonnePearson]

I’m so glad I could help ❤️

[@madhuvaishnavigoru7041]

I'm glad I found your account, you're such a vibe stranger fellow sapphic (literally going through my first wlw breakup and it feels like I need to join an asylum)

[@louiedale7347]

this actually helped me to reflect on my first relationship (and first love) in a more neutral way. Being able to appreciate the beauty of it whilst seeing the ugliness for what it was. It was ugly, but it was beautiful too. And it's comforting to know that your first relationship was so similar to mine - makes it feel like it's more of a normal and okay thing, like neither of us really fucked up astronomically. It was just a first love and we didn't know how to resolve our issues.

[@dashofdestiny2945]

This video is exactly what I just experienced to a T except even though I’ve come to all these conclusions about what the reality of the situation was- I’m still too sad and devastated about not being with each other everyday. Even though I’m trying to work on myself and reestablish the routine of my individual life, it will just come over me like a wave and damn near take me out💀

[@KimRiot1]

Why is this literally me with my best friend 😬 the “you deserve better” the “oh I wasn’t for real about saying I love you, I thought my feelings were romantic but they were platonic” the me being so deep into something with someone who wasn’t prepared or knew what they wanted and just kinda throwing it out when it caused them issues. All of it damn near. Only we didn’t date but it felt like we did. Also the anger turning into other emotions and then just letting go entirely 😌

[@Iamaaliyahdesarae]

Haven’t watched the video yet but wow wow wow!! This is what I recently went through but with someone who I was talking to… terrible heart crushing experience. One Thing I’ve ran across a lot is a lot of “bisexual” women who aren’t really bi but trying stuff out sexually and say after you caught feelings and was either deeply talking or dam near was in a relationship say “I don’t date women I just eff em, (she really said thT to me 😮 we never did it but we was talking and she act like she wanted me so bad) anyways it ha made me not date bisexual women! It would be extremely rare if that happened for me now.

[@rambunglinggabblefrustler215]

Thank you so much for this rawness. I again find I relate to you on 'attaching' to a person... I am still in school and so throughout my whole life I find myself coming into new situations and status quos, and each time there seems to be a girl upon whom I IMMEDIATELY latch. And when I see her and it starts happening I think 'uh-oh'. My first and only girlfriend so far was very open and honest with her feelings. I found that even while we were friends, I loved so many things about her like how she was uniquely stylish, observant and frank. I did not expect her to ask me out, but she did, and I always find it funny when people call 'I love you' a relationship milestone, because she told me she loved me before *I* even knew we were dating. We were in high school, not women, just girls, and our dates were just friendly get-togethers (video games, shopping, baking a cake, etc...) only we'd kiss and hold hands occasionally. I was more than comfortable with that! I don't know if that's how most people have dates. I remember the physical affection and conversation so fondly. The part that was challenging and fearful for me was talking about more 'serious' things. She had a tough home life and preferred to hang out at my house or outside, which I understood, and I relished that she could tell me about it... but you know, I am a dramatic gay. I think in poetry. I told her fantasies about how I could chew out her parents and we could move away together to a big comfy house and pretended those fantasies were plans. I was so angry and confused at myself for making promises I could not keep. Eventually we broke off mutually. When she left I did not feel as empty as I expected to, but I still felt sad. I think it's because we remained friends! I hate the term 'just friends' because friendship is so powerful, and can be more powerful than relationships easily. I didn't lose her at all... heck, we dated for six months until October of 2018 and the last time I talked to her was last weekend! I still love her dearly, but I admit that this love is platonic. And since then I have been working on myself, making mistakes and doing lots of journaling. I'm a sophomore in college and I have my first date since two years ago next Sunday with a girl I think is just the bees knees!!! I actually commented on your "2.5" seconds video mentioning I'd been smitten with her for about a year and your reply included a raucous "TELL HER!!!" I did ;v; I'm so happy/afraid oh my god. Thank you for believing in me as I believe in you. Anyway in conclusion to this essay, if you're considering D.C. I can attest that it's a lovely place to live...around! I'm from an adjacent city in Maryland. There's lots of cool historical stuff and plenty of parks. Having a car is highly encouraged especially if you do not live in the city. DC Metro is great but it's no NYC Subway by a long shot. (sorry if this comment appears twice in the creator feed. I decided to put it in the main comments section instead .///. )

[@SavonnePearson]

Rambungling Gabblefrustle YOU ASKED HER OUT?!?! OMG IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. GET YOUR GIRL!! Thank you for your essays, they give me so much life. Don’t ever stop. Thank you for the DC advice!! Much needed trying to figure out this solo adult life straight out of college 😅

[@rambunglinggabblefrustler215]

@@SavonnePearson

[@elyssag4990]

My girlfriend just broke up with me a week ago and this video is really helping me. Creators like you are so important to the community. Thank you so much for creating this video

[@factualmyth5861]

That intro song is a mood 😩😤😂

[@SavonnePearson]

ISNT IT. It was worth the copyright 😂😂😂

[@factualmyth5861]

@@SavonnePearson YESS!!!! And Savonne, I'm going through the video and damn... I relateeeee. When you talked about how she said she wasn't serious and how your heart dropped, that was me to the tee... never felt so heartbroken in my entire life.

[@SavonnePearson]

RIGHT like wowowoow.

[@kristinhasskamp6762]

I am literally going through this right now, we were together almost a year and just split up about a month ago. Everything you said in this video is how I'm feeling. It's very hard to let go but every day I'm getting stronger. Very devastating and heartbreaking but I appreciate you sharing this video I needed to hear it

[@SavonnePearson]

Hey skullies! Tell me the story of your first love so I feel less alone 🥴🥴

[@jonnalaurila9850]

Thank u for sharing ❤ i am right now in a relationship with my first girlfriend 🙈

[@SavonnePearson]

jonna laurila you are?? Omg I’m so happy for you! I hope it goes well 😊

[@jonnalaurila9850]

@@SavonnePearson thank u, i hope so too 🙈❤😁

[@Michelle-oj4wv]

It was freshman year of college, we became instant best friends. Like before her, I had never met someone who I felt like understood me so completely. She was hilarious and always made me laugh, and we just got on ya know? We’d get up to wild mishevious shit together, as you do freshman year of college. But she was also there for me during the really rough times. I fell in love, but she was straight so I knew i didn’t have a chance so I let it go. When we were aboutta go on Christmas break, she mistakenly (or so I thought) kissed me on the lips, and I thought about that all through the break lol. Then for valentines she suggested we be each other’s galentine’s. But when she showed me what she got for me, it seemed more than friendly. And when we were watching our show that night, she asked to kiss me and it took of from there. A month later, we were official and the relationship lasted 2.5 months 😂 I wished we had just remained friends, but I learned a lot from that relationship.

[@jonnalaurila9850]

@kitty blurple09 yeah we broke up last weekend 🙄 i hope yours will last 🥰

[@thedarknessofnana]

Intro song and dance had me at hello. 😂 I love intentional silly dancing. My first love (very first relationship) was an online relationship with my friend whom I wrote stories with. We were best friends and had a writing style that suited each other. No one else could compare to the feelings of excitement, passion and electricity that she made me felt every time I got a new message from her. This was the time of using instant messenger programs in the mid-2000’s, specifically AOL instant Messenger (AIM). We also met on the gaming and writing website Gaia Online (it’s still around, actually). Anyway, I wasn’t out at _all_ and actually had a lot of internalized homophobia put into me, so I refused to acknowledge that it was clearly a girl-meets-girl-and-falls-love situation. She told me she was bisexual, which was the first time I heard of that orientation (I was like 16 / 17 at the time, she was 15 / 16). Eventually, I admitted I had feelings for her, and she told me she felt the same. We had a nice couple of weeks saying I love you and being lovely dovey in our messages before things took a turn. I started to get toxic because I was unable to fully come out to myself, and I was also deep in the religious anti-gay lifestyle, so I was _convinced_ my feelings were sinful. I idiotically took that out on her as I became more toxic. Eventually, when we fought about something, I took that opportunity to blow up at her and break up. We cut contact cold turkey after yelling at each other is the keyboard. I remember being proud of myself for like, a day, that I “protected my soul from sin” or some brainwashed shot, before falling into a deep, guilt-ridden depression. Skip ahead 18 to now, where I’d talked to her off and on over the years and had since apologized, but I just could never fully forgive myself for cutting off my first love, and for running her heart through the wringer for my thoughtless bullshit. She said she forgave me, but self forgiveness has always been an issue that has taken me years, at minimum. I also went through a ten-year questioning phase, and today have landed on the following orientations for myself: • grey-asexual / grey-ace (and also libidoist asexual) • grey-aromantic / grey-aro • agender (femmeflux, in which I somewhat identify as female, to not at all identify as female) •gynesexual (when I _do_ wanna bump and grind, only women and feminine enby folks really attract me anymore. I don’t talk to her really now, and we’re only mutuals on IG, and I don’t expect to get back with her. I just wanna one day completely let go of the little bit of guilt I still carry around with me. 🥲

[@soniagetz6213]

[@SavonnePearson]

Sonia Getz I love this so much. I absolutely know the unraveling feeling and I’m so happy for you that you’re learning how a healthy relationship works! I wish you all the best to you and your lady 😊😊

[@soniagetz6213]

@@SavonnePearson Thank you so much :,,) !!!

[@madiarpin2681]

Wow I'm 5minutes in and I'm already soooo into it, I can already feel myself defrosting. So far, this is completely me - while I'm into a girl I don't believe there's anything BETTER out there and Savonne you keep my hopes high thank you 🖤

[@maddie4096]

wow, thank you so much. this shocked me because everything you're saying happened to me. i broke up with her yesterday, my first relationship ever, and first girlfriend. we were together 1 year and 2 months. she was never good mentally, and hurt me somedays, but i loved her anyway. she was my best friend for 7 months before we started dating. sadly, she continued to hurt me, till i couldnt take it anymore, but damn did i love her. i havent been able to stop crying, but this video truly helped me. thank you.

[@ImaniLehte]

Love the video! Thank you for being so transparent and honest. That first love can really knock you off your feet. lol

[@SavonnePearson]

Imani Jones aww thank you for watching ❤️. Girl you were there, you saw all the bs. Lowkey embarrassed

[@christanatasha248]

Wow! Idk how I stumbled upon your video! But very similar experience to how you explained 6 min in. I’m all in! ❤ just blown away by how I don’t feel alone rn. Stay well!

[@greenthumbshordy7782]

Im in my first lesbian relationship & i am literally in love with her . SO I feel you 100 % when you say that movie love.

[@anitago]

This was beutifully told. I felt every sentence of it. Thank you beautiful ❤️

[@maxineantoine2976]

Thank you for this. I felt so broken after her so I really appreciate it

[@sherrywindom5334]

Im new to your channel love love it!!!!!!! You had me at the musical intro!!!!!!! Thank you for all the content and topics!!!!!!!

[@madiarpin2681]

Omg Savonne my heart dropped for you before you even said yours did... I've known the exact feeling

[@Ashleighstarot]

This is so beautiful ❤

[@eldee3967]

shit man, thanks for sharing. felt like i was listening to my own experience at times

[@andieastra6141]

Sweet Jesus Savonne. Thank you for helping make clear what 2 years (for myself) of therapy and several health help books later could not!

[@zairasoto5601]

You probably wont see rhis cause this video was from some weeks ago, but i just wanted to relay my story. To start I've had 2 loves in my almost 20 years on this earth, the first, a girlfriend that i had in middle school, i love her to this day, of course from a far, in that relationship i self sabatoged soooooo much, i think i was afraid of what people would think if we stayed together, she also ended up cheating with a guy. But i was a complete asshole at the time and deserved it. My second love truly broke me though, she was my high school bestfriend, like how you recounted in this video, we would do shit that friends just didnt do, while she had an off and on boyfriend. I would have moments where I'd put my foot down and tell her that we cant be doing intimate things without being in a relationship. She would dial it down for a little, claiming she was straight and that it was unintentional, but of course after a week or two she was back to holding my hand, sitting on my lap and wanting to cuddle. To be fair i was also trying my hardest to just pretend that it was normal friend shit. For next 3 years of high school we were following the same cycle (be super affectionate and intimate, i remember she has a boyfriend whom she never really even payed attention to, i called her out and she stops making advances) In the beginning of last year she had actually broken up with her bf, and until April of last year, i was probably that happiest person to ever exist, i finally had a chance, then a few days after her birthday in April she decided to take me out on a date, she would actually call it a date, w.o being open with her sexuality, but i guess i get it, its scary. She bought me ihop, took me shopping, got me a bunch of hair products (need to spoil the curlsss). I was confused as to why she was doing it, but it wasn't too out of the norm we always spoiled eachother, but something in me knew something was sus. We were on our way to her crib, and we stopped by the park in front of her house, and she said she wanted to tell me something. I was so excited, this had to be it, she was gonna say it. She sat me down and told me that she was back with her ex, who is abusiveeeee, but okayyyy, anyways if that didnt hurt enough she then told me that she actually did have feelings for me and that she was just too scared to move forward. Double edged sword, but it wasnt a big surprise, i guess it hurt more because there was nothing i could do about it, we couldn't even pretend to be friends anymore, she exposed the reality of it all, i cried so fkin much, i was so angry, i gave her back all the things she bought. I just came out as gay, at first i thought i was bi, but i just got out of a relationship with a guy and it just wasnt the same, i didnt feel anything. But overall i just wanna say thank u so much for making videos i can relate to. They give me a safe space

[@КристинаКрицкая-й7р]

YOU ARE GORGEOUS

[@wall.flower]

I relate to a lot of these things, although we started dating almost as soon as we met.. we dated for a Lil over a year on and off.. intense as f***. However mental health issues came between us.. I ll never not love her ... However, I hope there's someone else in my future

[@shauntayfrazier-hall4682]

Name of the article?? This was so great.

[@emr3114]

Ouch I feel very called out by this, with my first love I was the one who didn't have my shit together basically... :( I really loved her but I was so confused about my sexuality that I was too scared to risk the friendship without being certain about my feelings

[@SavonnePearson]

Em R MAN yeaaaaah that was my situation exactly. Don’t feel bad though, as long as you stuck to your word and got your shit together 👀😂

[@emr3114]

@@SavonnePearson Yeah I essentially said I wasn't ready to be in a relationship because I still had so much to work through and I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. We decided to stay friends and we're still close friends now fortunately :) these days I am finally comfortable accepting I'm gay and I understand myself a lot better, and she is in a happy relationship with a guy so I think it worked out for the best

[@intheflatfield3851]

Thanks for your story and insights

[@vanialeedrums]

OMG YES THE INTRO haha

[@phae1574]

Bihhhh write a book. Yesterday. I’m buying it. Not me a year late to the party but idc ❤️

[@DamnQuilty]

If you are part of the support system, it is horrible to witness your friend going away with someone who's a book toxic narcissistic partner. Seeing friends and family less and less. Even cutting supporting people thanks to that partner. Because more often than not, they use you to pretend its then against the world, and you are the enemy if you mentioned things that worried you about your friend's relationship that she told you about. And something that irks me a lot is that one is seen as a busy buddy if you are worried when it is a relationship like the one in this video. But not so much when you do the same about, let's say, Kathy and her red flaggy partner John. In that case, you can get various friends and family to sit down with Kathy and tell her about John's abusive, repeating, controlling actions and behavior. Like in that scenarios people will most likely see it as a worried friend looking out for their friend. But if it is a queer relationship, most so if it is a lesbian one all of a sudden, it is not your problem. Amd yes. Technically, you are not a part of the couple. But it is the same with the heteros so why is it more acceptable to try to open the eyes of someone in a toxic, abusive controlling relationship when they are heterosexual, but it is excused or handwaved when it comes to two ladies in a queer relationship. Like if some actions activate fired and red flags when done by guys, why dont they do the same When it comes with ladies as the culprits.

[@spaceowl5957]

Idk shit but maybe you calling in love so hard and so quick comes from anxious attachment?

[@spaceowl5957]

Yeah alotta things you say sound a lot like anxious attachment. You should really look into it! I have it too and can handle it much better now that I understand and have much healthier relationships

[@middonyroman3690]

I really appreciated your number