Secret of Narcissist's Romantic Attraction: How YOU Self-destruct

Рет қаралды 24,943

Күн бұрын

Narcissist’s cold empathy and entraining.
Escape from reality into a shared fantasy
Second childhood (dual mothership)
Self-infatuation with an idealized version of you, seen through the narcissist’s gaze
Modeling and typing in formative years and adolescence: abuse as comfort zone, attraction to abusers
Bad object validation
External regulation: anxiolytic surrender of control
Self-punitive relationship: self-harming, self-trashing, self-defeat, and self-destruction by narcissist
Projective identification

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Пікірлер: 66

@lolbird2398 5 ай бұрын

I still cant believe Ive fallen into this whole situation.

@diamondedevil 5 ай бұрын

its been 4 months n i still feel myself bein sucked back into the shared fantasy n craving him, im lucky he discarded me n then i publicly mortified him on his social media so he doesnt even hoover but i get these intense cravings for his attention n validation its almost like withdrawal, your videos sam keep me sane w the dose of reality so thank you

@Oh.deer0 5 ай бұрын

So true it's been nearly 1 year, he still holds power to suck me in his world. He's been hoovering from past week to this day but I'm not looking back. Thanku proff sam. Such an actor.....holy god

@StandShining 5 ай бұрын

I've heard Sam say partners will start acting narcissistic themselves. And mortifying the narcissist in public is a sure way to get the narcissist to leave you alone.@@mertserozan7268

@user-ui4lz9ld5q 5 ай бұрын

good evening to you I have a question that bothers me: how can one be a diagnosed narcissist and have so much perspective on this psychic construction? Forgive me, so do you feel empathy, it seems so! I follow you assiduously and thank you in advance for a possible response Elodie

@user-sj4hn7jo9d 5 ай бұрын

I crave him, too. I totally understand you. I am three weeks no contact. But this time I was very decisive, because each time I fell for his hooverings, he became worse. We had no other option but to go no contact with them. It was our only option. Sending you my support.

@lasranasgitanas573 5 ай бұрын

I also totally understand, i am 10 months further...is is getting better but its really a mindwork, daily, you need to be awake to heal.Try to be conscious of your thoughts patterns, we need to change them again as before the relation.We were brainwashed.Healing= conscious mind work😅 you can do it!!

@yvetteholt4329 5 ай бұрын

Having dipped my toe back into the dating world recently, you can see how people are sucked in by the narcissist. Most people are fairly dry and have little charisma, not able to conversate well. So when you come across the charismatic narcissist who is putting on his whole peacock regalia to impress, you are pleased to interact with someone who seems to actually be bothered and makes an effort. Of course it is a trap and one you can all too easily fall into if you cant discern or are fooled by the charm

@Thought_Police 5 ай бұрын

Someone can’t have their own personal sense of style and confidence without being a narc?

@shantitakemoto1058 5 ай бұрын

This literally happened to me today

@Magikblooms 3 ай бұрын

“Whole peacock 🦚 regalia”.. that is one of the best descriptions I have ever heard… my god that is so good 😆🙏🤣 🙌 Yes.

@LeahDyson-kq4bd 22 күн бұрын

I was pleased to have someone who would stick around...oh right he stuck around because he's a narc whoops wish I knew before

@andreeavulpe5918 5 ай бұрын

This should be broadcasted worldwide. It’s a gem. You touched my soul.

@FedericaBressan 2 ай бұрын

You had me 50 videos ago, but this time I'm gonna comment: GENIUS. F@cking genius. Finally. Thank you. Keep on lecturing.

@user-tb6rb7nh9r 4 ай бұрын

I knew the second as he held me in his arms as this strange calmness and pure love engulfed me i was at peace for the very first time in my adult life. I could have stayed there forever 2018 In that moment i just knew that this is what i should have felt from my own mother and obviously never did, but i did also have the alarm bells going off in our first initial meeting that I ignored as i was deeply dysregulated didnt trust myself at the time just seperated from my fiance of 18 years ( different kind of narc) I knew this was going to be a very painful learning experience one i may not recover from...No matter how hard i try to recover from a lifetime of adaptations. I knew there was nobody really there deep down and maybe i was just talking to myself the whole time.

@vaidehikeskar 5 ай бұрын

It is kind of liberating to know that it is the victim who can take full responsibility and full control. I hope I got it right. Thank you, favorite Professor!❤

@angelmacas1774 5 ай бұрын

The more I understand the narcissist the more I realize my ex wife a narcissist was a "clone making machine". Over the years I would come to agree with her and instinctively she would "allow me" to hold certain beliefs that fit into her shared fantasy but any thing of significance was guided or dictated by her. Any dissonance would be swiftly punished with silent treatment, yelling, intimidation, and the repetition of comments said differently over a period of weeks or even months until at some point I would give in and agree. The scary part was that agreeing was not sufficient, she would ask me to repeat what I meant to say so my words would align with what sh said had said. Deep inside I knew they were lies but I was broken and tired and I just wanted peace. At that time I would be rewarded and made feel like I was the best husband ever and love bombing would begin which lasted for about a week at the beginning of the relationship and at the beginning of the end love bombing would last two or three days and after that she would create drama about anything until the cycle started over and over again. I am terrified of what had become of me.

@valentina_politova 5 ай бұрын

Я переживала такие же отношения

@angelmacas1774 5 ай бұрын

@@valentina_politova wish I understood

@valentina_politova 5 ай бұрын

@@angelmacas1774 google translate help understood ❤

@suzannedaly7132 5 ай бұрын

Omg this gets more fascinating and intricate a topic the more l listen to you. To hear you describe in such detail exactly what was going on in my brain ...the whole entrainment topic is fascinating. It's like they bring you into their frequency and you become one. Had a mad experience with my ex ... Was like a movie ...a matrix l escaped to ...was fun for a while the rest as they say is history. Thankfully l managed to extract myself and am left pondering do l have a bad object inside of me or was it because it was a mad time in my life where l left one relationship and dived straight into another with a narc !! The ex was the opposite and it had become stale but didn't have the balls to say it. So the narc was my way out ...completely different personality ...l fell in love with my idealised self .. little did l know it at the time. I've learned so much on this journey so far and you make me feel like there is loads more to come. So glad l found you ...your use of the English language alone is good enough reason to listen to you ...l love hearing words that no one really uses anymore like ostentatious 😂 You are a shining light in this area of study and l thank you for putting the whole matter on the table to be discussed. This whole area needs a better understanding by the general population and maybe we can all admit at least that we are all damaged in some way and start to heal. It's time for that now ❤❤❤

@andypadre7554 5 ай бұрын

Professor Vaknin: thank you so much for these videos! I had thought and felt i was at the healing and tail end of my trauma bond. Not so much! Altho i have great support, I have been watching your latest videos daily and find, feel and own them as a reality check to my thoughts and feelings. They bring me back, reset, reframe reality, ground me where I need to be. I feel less lost, better able to face life, its challenges and not be drawn back in to the shared fantasy. Thank you so much for the gift, wisdom and insight that is your videos=available 24/7. I also want to mention that each day seems particularly ltimely and relevant some how, the little dose of humor at the beginning is sweet, lovely, touching. Anon in NYC

@user-sj4hn7jo9d 5 ай бұрын

Once again, Professor Vaknin you explained hidden truths which I had not realised about myself, eg. 'you are suicidal' and more. And in the end I left him to save my physical health, literally running down the stairs. So strange, all this.

@omarmitre5821 5 ай бұрын

Top notch knowledge... thanks for that. The good part of this terrible experience of dating a narcissist is that you are able to understand yourself and try to correct this inner depreciation. That's what I'm aiming right now. Lot's of bad beliefs I had all my life and never was able to fully understand. But now someone has talked out loud for me and all I have to do is understand what exactly happened during the relationship, why it happened and adress the problems... in the end, this relationship maybe saved some time of my life, since It would take a lot more time to figure my inner problems out

@user-xx8un8zr2b 12 күн бұрын

תודה רבה על כל ההרצאות. אתה עוזר ומסייע מעל ומעבר. השם ישמור אותך

@bluntpencils 5 ай бұрын

This makes so much sense and explains the "why" and the blindspots of my ex's narc behaviour. Thank you, Sam.

@user-oz7nw9sq7y 5 ай бұрын

You have been my greatest teacher. Thank you Sam!

@irinakushnir8338 7 күн бұрын

I can remember I got involved which lead me to further understanding. It cost me but I was able to be free of this. I was disgusted, negative talk and negative thoughts. I didn't want them anymore.

@sarareagan9279 5 ай бұрын

This is the most validating video I've seen in a while. Thank you so much

@NickBB 2 ай бұрын

My mind is blown of the complexity of all this. I just was able to leave this narcissistic relationship with this girl. I was the controlling codependent in the relationship. I left right in the middle after 2 months before she could devalue me and discard me. I realized her manipulative games and planned my escape. I went graystone on her yesterday and broke contact after 5 days of leaving her.

@LeahDyson-kq4bd 22 күн бұрын

Grey rock

@alinajeziorska5959 5 ай бұрын

Thank you Profesor for this topic, everything that you do here in youtube, you saved my life

@hriscucristianioan9421 5 ай бұрын

It will be a good year , watching your videos makes me beware and not just so ... I recently went with a Narcisist for 5 years , I kinda wake up myself then here I am to Disect the relationship to See then to Tell anyone in need. I also study human behaviour from different points of view. Thank you for your share with me (us) .

@1506magda1 Ай бұрын

Don't know why, I'm always surprised how accurate your lectures are. There really IS a manual for narcissistic relationships.

@jewlej 4 ай бұрын

Thank you professor. I am eternally grateful for these videos. I’m a mommy and mummy lol this shared fantasy sucks I’ve been sucked in since 1998 and just now realizing it! Age 42! Great video. The end makes me feel nuts because my ex always shines that mirror on me. Always got me back. Twilights zone, hallucinations it’s so true. I have to kill these serpent voices!

@MonikaLorenzova 5 ай бұрын

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉Thank you for your work, Professor Vaknin! Understanding narcissism is incredibly helpful to me. Have a beautiful and productive new year. ❤

@NatureRelaxation87 4 ай бұрын

Fantastic video, thank you very much. I found a therapist finally who can help me overcome my low self worth & codependency.

@charliefarlie2884 5 ай бұрын

The hook in for me was that I believed that his large family was very loving and I would become part of it. My lifelong yearning. I even chose to overlook the fact that I wasn't sexually attracted to him to get that because I thought this kind, loving quietly spoken man with a close family would be enough long term. When I finally got to know the family, nothing could be further from the truth. I've watched so many of these videos recently that I don't know which one refers to the kind of woman that the narcissist finds it more difficult to get rid of, but I had all those traits.

@charliefarlie2884 4 ай бұрын

@@ormus64 Which is exactly what Prof Vaknin says in all his videos including this one

@Brilliant42 Ай бұрын

From 22:38 and the next some minutes I heard and laughing, heard and laughing, heard and laughing because it is so devilishly true!!!!!! It is a guaranteed punishment, don't worry, you will be abused for sure, be calm, you got it!!!! And the first picture of this video is also what I wanted to do during watching, holding my head with my hands and whispering ; oh my goodness!!! Thank you professor for one more time, you are so precious❤

@chriswelsh8826 29 күн бұрын

Oh Professor!! Ive just gotta say... WOW. And You my friend are so dang smart!!!! Thank You from the bottom of my heart for sharing all if your knowledge and insight!! I consider myself a smart confident educated open minded Kind Person... Still tho~ got sucked right in!!! Such an amazingly intricate web they design! I am intrigued by it all! And it has inspired me to go back for my masters degree! Amazing. But truly, i can not thank you personally quite enough. ❤ From the beautiful mountains of NC in usa

@cameogutierrez3466 5 ай бұрын

Brilliant. Thank you❤

@staylo37 5 ай бұрын

Can you do another video on Liberace and love addiction in more detail?

@user-jt3so9kb1l 5 ай бұрын

Fantabulous

@JeanDoe89 4 ай бұрын

Thank You 🙏

@nyx1712 5 ай бұрын

¡Esta es mi Madre y mi Padre, precisamente! Ella era su infante esclava...

@iseeuchilinhomie6992 5 ай бұрын

Interesting…

@Now2Sense 5 ай бұрын

Thanks

@developpement6992 5 ай бұрын

about the narcissist cold empathy : Can they mistake frequently? For example they can think wrongly that you are highly moralistic based on the data that you gave them and then trying to separate you from others using that morality. Do that happens frequently or it's rare based on their fantastic ability?

@samvaknin 5 ай бұрын

Very rare.

@karlippo 5 ай бұрын

Prof does a psychopath have the “need” to create a shared fantasy, like the narc? (As i understand it the narc actually believes themselves in that shared fantasy, but a psychopath is much more calculative and perhaps in that sense more living in “reality ”? Being aware of reality? Is that correct?

@samvaknin 5 ай бұрын

Psychopaths do not have a shared fantasy and their reality testing is largely intact.

@irinaxnyz 5 ай бұрын

since i realised i lived in a shared fantasy with a narcissist, i started to cut him off his supply. i didn't cut all contact, just started to be more indifferent and never talked to him about my feelings again. he started to act likewise, but now it's getting harder for me to accept the fact that i'm losing him. if i would send him one of these videos, would he understand or aknowledge all these?

@elinaselene 3 ай бұрын

I sat and watched one of Sam's videos with my ex narc, after listening he redirected back to me and said I had traits of a narcissist/borderline, projection at its finest.