Seventh Moon - Phelous

If annoying shakey cam movies shot in the dark with the intention to make you ill are your thing, IT'S SEVENTH MOON!
phelous.com
/ phelous
Originally Released: June 9, 2012

[@malcolmlindsey1]

I just went to the wiki page for this movie, and Phelan is mentioned in the Reception section, saying that he "critically panned the film for its predictable, awkward and "annoyingly whiny" dialogue, shaky cam nonsense and that it was too dark to see what's going on." Its too accurate and I love it.

[@JThom529]

Hehe people should put his stuff in reception of movies he reviewed more often. Why not?

[@HALOBOY305]

Loooool that’s cool

[@gracekim25]

Ok that’s AMAZING

[@NebLleb]

Well, what do you know? The mention is still there!

[@WillDaBeard]

This somehow makes inane drum character’s death even more canon

[@Ravenite456]

"From the makers of the Evil Dead trilogy" meaning the third assistant director said "Hi" to Sam Raimi once.

[@SirFailsalot91]

Never heard a more beautiful rendition of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" since now

[@FelisTerras]

The oher day I watched a documentary on the tornado chasers, where the EF5 turned around and headed straight for them. There was far less shaky cam and much better shots than in this crud.

[@Predator20357]

So you’re saying it’s not for realism but rather just a cheap way way to save money?

[@izukumidoriyaisssss3049]

Nice

[@rebornkusabi7264]

Besides tornado videos, I also watch horror videos on KZbin of "ghosts" (I watch them for entertainment and because some of them are genuinely creepy), and yeah, for both of those, there is LESS shaky cam than a 10th of this review.

[@koppsr]

i hate movies where shaky cam and zero lighting are sold as super creepy and / or simply "art". who the hell invented that crap and thought it a good idea??

[@youwayo]

Provably when found footage movies were new

[@matthewmoran5297]

+Malefizia The shaky cam I can take, but having no lighting at all is fucking stupid.

[@spencerbean8802]

Eduardo Sanchez.

[@matthewmoran5297]

+Malefizia I did! >:)

[@anikmonette2140]

Malefizia This movie looks awful, but I'll watch it over any Madea movies! I can handle being sick, but I won't recover from a bullet in the head.

[@MsDjessa]

Film being a visual media I don't blame Jackson for making both Moria and Shelob's lair lot more visible than described in the book. There are ways to show pure darkness in movies or TV too but this isn't it. One thing the movie could do is show everything in night vision to the audience while character doesn't see anything. Or do what they did in an episode of CSI where a murder had happened in a pitch black restaurant. They showed the characters totally lit but everything around them was dark. So the audience had something to look at while giving a feeling of total darkness. That was a nice and original take on darkness.

[@westheriault3797]

I appreciate that his limited Cantonese vocabulary includes the word for sacrifice. I learn that in every 101 class

[@troin3925]

This film may not be from the makers of the Evil Dead trilogy, but it is from one of the creators of The Blair Witch Project. SERIOUSLY.

[@seanbirch]

"What's with all the noise" I love you Birdemic.

[@anonthe-third2367]

Sean Birch "What's with the the all the noise?"

[@pothatuu]

@@anonthe-third2367 No, "What's with the all the noise?"

[@PutrydByle]

I absolutely loved your opera in the middle. 10/10.

[@PaulRaiiin15]

Phelous should do a video of the 10 worst bitches and assholes from his reviews and rank them by how he wants them to die!

[@WinterSteele]

+Paul Thorn I think at least half of them would come from Eli Roth movies.

[@shademeadows2424]

+Winter Steele and uwe boll

[@MachineD3vil]

There should be

[@MrPiccoloku]

@@shademeadows2424 They'd both have to be except or they'd take up the whole list.

[@aamirwalker6141]

That monk got stabbed in the chest and head and Lui Kang has the nerve to ask are you ok XD

[@JThom529]

To be fair, it’s mortal Kombat. Unless that’s a fatality, he’ll walk it off.......🤓

[@theannouncer5538]

i first decided to watch on of your videos when you popped up in the recommended feed just because your name sounded cool. since then you've become my favorite reviewer.

[@phelous]

Heh, thanks a lot!

[@coreyweber2340]

Thanksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

[@christinawilkephillips7684]

he's the best! :-P

[@davidcolby167]

I named a main character after Phelan!

[@JThom529]

@@davidcolby167 I named a DND NPC after Phelan (also Ed Glaser....seriously)

[@planescaped]

It's more upsetting when a movie has a really good premise, but is ruined by really easily fixable things. Quarantine and Triangle are two others like this that Phelous has done. The story of Ping and his people setting the two up as sacrifices was solid and for the most part, good(mostly their capture/sex scene was nigh incoherent). The way this movie was made however is horrible.

[@TemmiePlays]

This film is so dark, if you scrub the timeline in the video here on KZbin, it looks liek Phelan had a strobe light episode.

[@PlanetZoidstar]

I wonder if "Ping" moved into Pat Morita's Purple Britannica Moon Castle after Pat sadly waxed off this mortal plane?

[@Fubukio]

Phelous: "Seventh Moon is a treat for the eyes and the ears... AND IT STINKS!" I guess it's not a treat for the nose. LOL

[@randalgraves6979]

Oooh 😮 Faaced!!!

[@CthulhuianBunny]

Why the hell did the cover say "From the makers of the Evil Dead Trilogy" instead of "From the director and writer of the Blair Witch Project"? Because _that_ would at least be true!

[@JThom529]

Co-director

[@karmahoudini9241]

"Huh. Lovers on the Seventh Moon."

[@robinsteele8323]

"Yes!"

[@TheCinemaniac]

I actually watched this film few years ago, even before this review was originally made and I still remember this film because it was so hard to watch. I watched the whole thing but then had to read the plot summary from wikipedia to understand what even happened.

[@NodDisciple1]

Just Another Guy I wish they'd stop doing shaky cam. They even do it for films that aren't "found footage!" It's not "realistic!" It just gives you a headache and makes the film hard to watch!

[@TheCinemaniac]

Brother Malachai I have to agree. Some films can do it and it fits them but 99% of the time it's just a needless gimmick and technique that actually makes the film worse. And it does get really tiresome nowadays.

[@AnimeShmanimay87]

"Which means!...I can't see a fucking thing..fucking thing..fucking thing..I can't see a fucking thing, you stupid piece of shit!" LOL! Awesome review as always Phelous. Hey I was wondering did you ever consider reviewing the horror spoof comedy, Student Bodies?

[@TUPRBABE]

13:08 I would love some more Phelous-sung reviews. I actually clapped at the end of this song, LOL.

[@sarahcroy8334]

Is "that girl who ruins your reviews she's not even involved in" a reference to Obscurus Lupa? If so, well played. I like you guys together. She can ruin your reviews whenever she wants!

[@pizzaface4213]

rotflol, when a movie is so bad you have to sing about how bad it is

[@PrettyH8Mach1n3]

I fucking loved MK: SM for shit like Liu Kang asking a head impaled monk if he was okay.

[@PrettyH8Mach1n3]

I think that annoying arguments are common for couples in stressful situations so I guess I find that pretty realistic when they're not put in scenes where they're supposed to be getting away. I suppose if there are 17 other such scenes, it would get gearing.

[@jblask2]

Well I'll have that remix of Hall of the Mountain King stuck in my head all through work tomorrow.

[@troin3925]

What's worse about this film is that the production company is Haxan Films, the production company behind The Blair Witch Project and V/H/S 2, and the writer and director of this movie is Eduardo Sanchez, who was the writer and director of The Blair Witch Project and the director of the V/H/S 2 segment "A Ride in the Park." How does a writer and director so talented manage to create something as awful as this?

[@BlazeHeartPanther]

Well, he is only one of the directors and writers. the other being Daniel Myrick. What's worse is that after those two split from each other, they couldn't make a good film since. It's telling when "The Visit" a film directed by M. Night Shyamalan and from the producers of FUCKING Paranormal Activity, is a better movie then Daniel and Eduardos recent works.

[@talulad]

Like the shirt change for day to night.

[@jarmakey1]

I read the summary on Wikipedia and the movie sounded really sad yet interesting, I wish we could actually SEE what was going on.

[@blyjd91]

That Portal ref was brilliant.

[@drygonfyre]

+andrewlebarbare When the radio's turned on, Phelous added in the radio music from Portal. It's pretty faint.

[@tbonevideos23]

I walked. I could do nothing but walk. And then, I saw me walking in front of myself. But it wasn't really me. Watch out. The gap in the door... it's a separate reality. The only me is me. Are you sure the only you is you? (I will use EVERY chance I get to quote that XD)

[@lydiapurple]

This is crazy, I was just thinking about PT

[@mainepty]

Thanks I watched the beginning of this on Chiller, fell asleep and woke up at the very end. Was not sure what happened. Now I know.

[@funkyd3321]

I stumbled upon this shitslick on late night cable. Thought, "This is the absolute worst camera work I've ever seen." Far inferior to even Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. After, I thought someone had to have reviewed this trainwreck, and of course... Phelous to the rescue. Thanks for squeezing some entertainment out of this Poovie, for me.

[@darrelsam419]

Seventh Moon. Fucking hell they're referring to the 7th month of the Chinese Lunar calendar, which, in legend, is the month when Hell gate opens and spirits come out to haunt people. It's also known as the Hungry Ghost Festival. But this movie got quite a few things wrong about it. For a movie with a several Chinese cast members you'd think they'll try to be more accurate in the festival's portrayal. They could at least have used actual traditional Chinese ghosts, like the jiang shi, the ghosts in this movie look like golems. But yeah, this movie is fucking bullshit. I mean, there are a lot of actual Chinese movie about the Hungry Ghost Festival and those are better than this piece of shit.

[@GenreChowderStudios]

Dawn Darrell Samaitha Yeah, I was wondering why the ghosts looked like that! Heck, Hsien-Ko would've been a better design for the ghosts.

[@darrelsam419]

I agree. :/

[@alexlents4689]

1:22 That makes me laugh much harder than it should! One of my favorite Phelous reviews!

[@deadmaster9360]

Son, you need to realese a mix-tape.

[@WhiteManOnCampus]

This movie would indeed be so much better if it had been some sort of messed-up honeymoon skit, much like how Razor Blade Smile was saved by it all turning out to have been weird foreplay for a vampire couple. In other news, I'd like to echo MrSniper: you, Allison and Brad are my three favorite reviewers, bar none.

[@ripleyjlawman.3162]

That’s really interesting.

[@VideoGameSauce]

Welp. That movie is impossible to see.

[@AmaryInkawult]

VideoGameSauce Cloverfield was easier to watch than this "movie"

[@Atticus118]

Classic Phelen videos I been watching alot of his older videos. Hopefully does more movie reviews.

[@gracekim25]

hey wise guy. ANIMATION COUNTS AS MOVIES TOO!

[@Atticus118]

@@gracekim25 Yeah didn't say they didn't just saying hope he does more movies.

[@gracekim25]

@@Atticus118 okie dokie just checking 😅

[@scitechian]

Every time you do the three slow claps I keep waiting for the "Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant." line from Mortal Kombat to play.

[@aarengabriel8106]

I just love watching reviews from this period of Phelous. The foreshadowing to the reveal in Jacob's Ladder is always wonderful to spot.

[@scitechian]

Those ghost screeches sound like a Nazgûl with laryngitis.

[@berpipo]

10:04 LIU KANGOLOCK! THE GREATEST MORTAL KOMBAT (game) DETECTIVE

[@KakeyoSilverton]

Holy beans - your song halfway through made me laugh so hard. xD

[@MrPainkiller1988]

I caught the sight of this movie on TV few days ago and thought it was a failed DivX port from a taped pirated cinema viewing. I could not last past 10 minutes, hurt my eyes and ears.

[@ccthedragon4684]

The first 15 seconds of this video sums up my life.

[@DeclanCorey]

And it sums up Mirrous, the mirror/window Phelous that's been staring him down all these years... or something idk XD

[@kittykatmeowmix]

7:31 Do I hear a Portal 2 radio playing a jazzed up version of "Still Alive"? Did Phelous put that in?

[@TheLugiaSong]

It was in the first game too. Yeah, Phelous(or whoever edits) put that in X3

[@gracekim25]

@@TheLugiaSong it's phelous

[@yuriismywaifu203]

Who else caught the Portal radio music?

[@Fanimati0n]

ElectricalNovice19 I did. I've played portal so much I recognize it from the first note

[@AmaryInkawult]

MagnetoDorito my old phone had it as the ringtone. It's catchy.

[@kittykatmeowmix]

I felt like I was going crazy when I heard it. It was so subtle that for a second I thought, " Did they really use that in this movie"? And then I remembered I was watching a Phelous video and this movie is too crap to deserve Portal.

[@DemonDemonicGames]

I wish there would be a Radio channel that only plays this Portal tune in an endless loop

[@EpicJasonX9000]

their tour guide Ping, followed by his long lost son, Pong.

[@AnimeKid-lp8zy]

Why don't people just go to hotels in the towns that they visit? Instead, they drive out to the darkest and least populated area in the whole vicinity! How is this logical?!

[@Fanimati0n]

Anime Kid9000 they're horror movie characters. they don't know what logic is

[@sweetcinnamonpnchkin]

I remember watching this on TV and flipping the channel constantly because I was feeling queasy. The ending left me going 0.o

[@JustinJTime]

10:40 Heh, getting a little meta there, Mr. Phelan, XD

[@gracekim25]

That’s what I love about him😜

[@ShadeMeadows]

So... Why Seventh Moon?

[@LibraGamesUnlimited]

There's this other movie. I think it had Ray Wise in it (but I'm not sure) where he, his wife, adult daughter, teenage son and son-in-law are driving somewhere for Christmas (or something) when they get lost and they spend the whole movie driving around in the dark experiencing weird stuff and dying one by one. It was about as bad as this. There's also another one about a couple going to (or maybe coming back from) a New Year's party and get lost and drive around in the dark for the whole movie. I think that one claimed to be based on a true story. Guess driving around in the dark was a popular movie trope. :)

[@DomIstKrieg]

Chris McWilliams www.imdb.com/title/tt0308152/ dead end

[@LibraGamesUnlimited]

Dominic Nicholson Yeah, that's it. Thanks. I couldn't think of it for nothing. I actually saw it twice, once on Chiller and once on Netflix. It was okay but pretty weird. The ending was kind of neat though.

[@DomIstKrieg]

Chris McWilliams No worries.

[@LibraGamesUnlimited]

Now, if I could just figure out the name of the other one. I really see so many crappy movies that it's hard to remember them all. I used to see so many more when I got The Movie Channel but I moved and had to change companies and no more Movie Channel or their Splatterday on Saturday double features. We do get a channel that has horror movies every night starting about 9 my time but they just keep showing the same ones over and over again and rarely watch them. I do have Netflix and Hulu Plus but I don't use them nearly as much as I should. :)

[@WinterSteele]

+Chris McWilliams Oh god, I think I actually saw that first one. Reading the description has made it come back to me like a repressed memory, lol.

[@jackharpring5849]

Watched this review quite a while ago, and since then, I've now played Portal. The radio "Still Alive" bit got me 😂

[@apostolosfilippos]

I had to move to the comments section and just listen to Phelous to avoid looking at the dark shaky mess.

[@U014B]

1:20 Was he played by the baby from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life?

[@NebLleb]

"This is Seventh Moon, bitch, we don't need to see shit!" -Phelous, 2012

[@reptile1677]

Apparently this film didn’t have the budget for a tripod or lights

[@calemr]

Probably would have made more sense if I'd watched the first 6 moons first.

[@robin5512]

haha I loved the portal song playing on the radio, made me smile

[@mickeyperkins]

I love the song in this, I cackle every time I watch this (and I rewatch it a lot because of how much the song makes me laugh)

[@RisingBeast00]

I really like Phelous and all but MAN to I HATE the films his reviews. Nothing but unlikable characters. Again, I like him for making it easier to sit through but those films are so bad.

[@reptile1687]

this isnt your average every day darkness, this is... *advanced darkness*

[@LibraGamesUnlimited]

Should I be worried that everytime I find one of his reviews it's a movie I saw years ago?

[@goofydawg842]

I tought that was Will Smith as genie in that thumbnail. 😅

[@Goatlactic]

my fav part of this review is for whatever reason youtube vids are always darker than they are on other players so literally 90% of this review is just a black screen lol. Not blaming you Phelous just confirming youtube makes this awful movie worse.

[@kingfarquaad4422]

How am I just now seeing this one? Still, I can't complain. It was a nice surprise. 👍

[@Jaimas]

Jesus, this was a really bad one. I dunno how you do it, Phelous.

[@AnnaDee101]

godamn just the review was hard enough...

[@pauldecker4630]

7:30-That has a station playing catchy video game music for some reason.

[@LadyCoyKoi]

You know with a title like Seventh Moon I was expecting a Space Horror movie. >_

[@jenselinsky6734]

Your song to the tune of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" made me laugh so hard that I cried!

[@JohnSmith-wj7ge]

best intro ever lol

[@becuaseimbored3481]

I HATE shaky cam , like movie I'm not scared I'm nauseous

[@BloodylocksBathory]

I'm surprised the dvd cover looks *that* good.

[@gracekim25]

Holy cow. I Love it when you sing🥳 I will have to listen on repeat now🤣

[@Cactino]

Hmmm... the ghost that takes your drummer looks a lot like your Dr Mangler/Howard cosplay from Bloodrayne 3/Blubberella... One of your best review-cosplays by far.

[@lydiapurple]

Omg I remember this movie! You can’t see anything lol

[@TheZombiehunter24]

great review but it but hilarious if you also included a clip from silent hill 4 when Henry ask Cynthia if she's ok!

[@danking9936]

Not being able to see what on Earth is going on because of how dark it was is exactly why I can't stand Alien vs Predator Requiem.

[@adnsaurus]

Hail of the Mountain king xD

[@1456dockbuilder]

Wow they though people would like this Its so choppy.

[@moonknightress5059]

13:08 My new favorite Song! XD

[@dandrawsit4915]

Phelous are you going to release that song on iTunes?

[@randalgraves6979]

I’d buy the theme song on iTunes 👀

[@gracekim25]

YES I could listen to that all day🤣

[@polterboo3515]

I kept squinting at the screen for any possible glimpse of whatever Phelan was taking about happening in this film but I couldn't see a single thing I have no idea what was happening at certain points it looked pitch black, even with my brightness up

[@sarah98917]

Forgive me if this is wrong, but the Lunar New Year is in February. If that is the case, this film takes place in August

[@littlebearbradick9263]

This is my new favorite song.

[@lanog40]

Who's in the background of the review?

[@AstroTom]

Oh gosh the Aperture Science radio 🤣

[@gratuitouslurking8610]

Y'know, I don't know why. How come saying 'by the makers of the Evil Dead Trilogy' is an obvious bogus, minus the fact that nowadays an IMDB can easily disprove shit like that?

[@PatrickTheGent]

Curb your enthusiasm on all these horror flick reviews... Love it...

[@thema1998]

Last Tuesday was the *8* year anniversary of when you originally released this episode. 🤓 EDIT- 1:40 P.M.: *finishes episode 29 minutes later* "Seventh Moon" may be an unwatchable mess but it's easier to tolerate than "Five Across the Eyes"!

[@andrewoliver7095]

Ngl I actually really like this movie

[@zombiecreeper0438]

I can here the portal music in the background of the radio scene

[@ruggiebuggie3195]

Thank God the 3D craze ended the 'quick cut shakey cam' era. I'd much rather have blue lens flair if it means the camera is still and you can see everything. Not to say that shakey cam can't be used well. It's a great tool for when a film maker wants to convey confusion and panic or just intensity. It's to be used in 'scenes' not for the entire movie.

[@Nekucloud]

MAKE THE SHAKING STOP!!!!😣😫😩😖

[@Amyr28go]

HAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAH THAT RADIO TUNE FROM PORTAL XD