Shattering Assumptions: The Truth for Parents of Kids With ADHD

ADHD Dude provides parent training through the ADHD Dude Membership Site, in-person school-year programs, and summer camps. ADHD Dude is not gender-specific content.
𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗥𝘆𝗮𝗻 𝗪𝗲𝘅𝗲𝗹𝗯𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁, 𝗟𝗖𝗦𝗪, 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗-𝗖𝗖𝗦𝗣
Ryan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified School Social Worker, and father to a son with ADHD & learning differences. ADHD Dude is based in Tucson, Arizona.
𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘁𝘆:
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[@ShoestringAdventures]

Wow. I was the over disciplined undiagnosed ADHD, while my sister was babied and treated like she was disabled. Thank you for the insight.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching.

[@marywhyte-edu]

Thank you SO MUCH for your channel. It really is a godsend, and is so helpful.

[@ADHDDude]

So glad to hear it!

[@kellyharrison6884]

This is exactly what I needed to hear! Definitely going to check out that book recommendation. Many thanks Ryan 😃

[@ADHDDude]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Caratdarla]

In the tough moments i need to tell myself im doing the right thing for the future. Because in the moment its really hard!

[@ADHDDude]

Yes it is!

[@jenniferwtrbovich39]

Soooo hard!!

[@saranunez9246]

Just found your channel, grateful I stumbled upon it. I am young mother of 3. My oldest is 4yr old and I registered him for PreK this year. Where I live they evaluate your child before starting school and the evaluater advised me to get my son tested for ADHD and Austim due to being to “energetic” and not being able to focus on a simple task like reading a book to him. If he does have these diagnoses, My husband and I want to equip him by using resources out there that can help him become a capable adult. We have our appointment for our son this coming Tuesday.

[@ADHDDude]

Please know that many children with ADHD are being misdiagnosed with autism because many clinicians do not know how to discern the difference between the two. I have videos about this.

[@saranunez9246]

@@ADHDDude thank you for responding! Definitely will check out the video 👍

[@marywhyte-edu]

Great point - you hear the success stories, but you don't hear the stories saying, "Don't do what I did". So don't assume hearing a technique again and again means it's a good idea.

[@davehampton8677]

Totally agree. We raise out two this way and what ends up hard is the fact the schools to mend to their every wish and tantrum and refusal and have lower expectations of them and as I result their education results are suffering. When at home with me it’s done faster and complete as I don’t let them use it as an excuse. They teachers let them manipulate them out of work and pe etc. I tell them but they won’t listen as that’s not how they do things : Tgey don’t give consequences to special needs kids only encouragement. The kids know this too. Use it and don’t do work and make up silly excuses why which o know are not real.

[@ADHDDude]

Schools operation from a position of liability, particularly with students who have IEPs. While consequences do not teach skills, not holding them accountable is not helpful either.

[@melissagonzalez5437]

So do you think it would be bad to send my second grader to a school that specializes in Neurotypical development. Because the charter school he was just in was not meeting his needs in anyway and I don’t want to send them back to public school however, there is another charter school that works with children with ADHD what they do not Add very many accommodations. They seem to be a lot stricter. I mean between the two I know that if I go with the school that specializes in neural typical students they may make things really easy for him which I don’t want. I still want him to be challenged but I also don’t want the same issues to rise at the other schooland not meet his needs very hard time and a lot of decisions to make right now. Thank you in advance for any advice.

[@ADHDDude]

I don't really know of any schools that specialize in neurotypical development, rather most children with ADHD go to general public schools in their community. I don't believe that children with ADHD need to go to specialized, expensive private schools and this is coming from somebody who worked at several of them.

[@bizeth74]

Hi, I'm new to your channel. You bring up some good points, and I appreciate the book recommendation. This is something I've been wondering about. It does seem like some people I'm following give the impression that we should ask absolutely nothing of our kids, and I find that message confusing. I don't think it's exactly how they intend it but it's definitely how it comes across. It seems to me there does have to be a balance. There's no point in pushing these kids to a point that they're constantly under stress and shutting down either. Or not helping them get things done, for the sake of never lowering expectations. I can point anecdotally to plenty of people who have grown up to use all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms and haven't achieved "success" because they either didn't have a diagnosis or their parents pushed, and had no empathy, as if nothing was actually different with them. They grew up feeling stupid and ashamed because teachers said they weren't giving enough effort, when they were fighting ten times harder than other kids, just to get through the day. So my personal guess is that "not accommodating at all," does not work either. I suspect what your former students are meaning is that they were compassionately led to be able to achieve at a higher level over time - and they were scaffolded. Not that they were literally never accommodated with literally anything. You can't get kids through an asd meltdown / shutdown, or total lack of executive function without helping and guiding in some way. And doing that, is ultimately "accommodating" by finding the strategies that work for that kid, to help them live up to their commitments and objectives. There's a difference between truly demanding nothing vs. helping the child learn how to self-regulate and self-advocate. The latter is my goal - and I think it's the goal of the kinds of experts you're talking about, but they're definitely not explaining that balance or making that link clearly enough. The way to teach this concept seems to, in fact, be to step back, reduce demands to a point, and help the kid first understand what they're feeling, why they may be feeling it, etc. By helping my child understand his diagnosis, how his brain works uniquely, etc., he's already become much more self-aware and self-advocating in the 6 months since diagnosis. Partly because, I believe, he sees that we finally get it, too - and we're giving him more compassion and space to communicate about his needs, how he's processing differently, what we can do to help him through things, etc. It's very hard, very exhausting work. But to me, that should be the goal of accommodations: teaching them how to build their skills up over time, and how to understand themselves well enough to know how they function best and therefore how to get through difficult moments. And I suspect that's the overall point....

[@ADHDDude]

Yes, their parents provided them with scaffolding, but they did not reduce demands every time the child was frustrated, that can easily lead to learned helplessness. The individuals you mentioned absolutely encourage asking nothing of kids. This "low demand parenting" approach is the most extreme form of accommodation and has been shown to lead to failure to launch. The individuals who teach that are sharing an ideology, not research data. I do not teach parents to play "armchair therapist", the that often escalates kids, particularly boys who cannot verbalize feeling words on demand. Playing armchair therapist doesn't teach skills or build self-awareness.

[@jenniferwtrbovich39]

I learn something from every single video you post! And it always comes at a time that I need reassurance, so for that, I am so grateful ❤

[@ADHDDude]

I'm so glad!

[@jackiematsumura2649]

Labels are not strategies- I worked with my son so that he wouldn’t fall behind- for example, he had to maintain a homework card- we checked it daily. He couldn’t go to the beach unless it was done ( we live a block up from a surf spot)-he had to fill it out- not the teacher. The teacher only had to initial it. He’s been married 16 years and works in IT. He had a diagnosis but I refused SpEd services. I am an educator and sat through too many IEP conferences where the teachers had to accommodate the student’s behavior-which resulted in a student graduating from high school with the equivalent of a 4th grade education.

[@ADHDDude]

So happy he's doing well, that's great!

[@crystale5625]

Would that be called gentle parenting? Im seeing it all over tiktok.

[@loracorwyn3713]

No. Not the same. It’s called permissive parenting.

[@ADHDDude]

There are many interpretations of gentle parenting online. In my experience, many of these interpretations do encourage parental accommodation and a permissive/indulgent parenting style.

[@TheBarristerchick]

#FACTS

[@ElectricNed]

I am sometimes inclined to parent this way intuitively, but am unsure how to apply it with my 7yo son who also has anxiety issues. I want to give him the support he needs with both these things but it seems like the advice for anxiety conflicts with the advice for ADHD.

[@ADHDDude]

You didn't specify what you're referring to so I can't comment. But the more anxiety is accommodated, the worse anxiety will become. There is plenty of research on this. So really what I am describing here is applicable to anxiety as well as ADHD

[@ElectricNed]

@@ADHDDude Thanks for the reply. I meant parenting without accommodating, too much at least. I am unsure about how to apply this when my wife is sold on gentle parenting. She can empathize with my son's anxiety but not his ADHD, and gentleness usually wins out and he is accommodated at the rest of the family's expense- and his too in a different way. I am hoping to persuade her with evidence and research.

[@ADHDDude]

You can tell her that the over-negotiating, over-empathizing, over-validating is not helpful to kids with ADHD because the ADHD brain is concrete and "fluffy" parenting approaches are not conrete, and can exacerbate a child's anxiety. Many parents have shared with me how their child's behavior deteroriated when using those approaches. As for anxiety, there's tons of research showing how accommodating anxiety makes it worse. You can show her the interview I have here with Eli Lebowitz, creator of S.P.A.C.E., an anxiety treatment that teaches parents to stop accommodating their child's anxiety.

[@ElectricNed]

@@ADHDDude Thanks for the recommendation! What you say about fluffy/concrete makes total sense and I think is a big part of what's not working in our current approach. SPACE seems great and I will try to get my wife on board.

[@j316min]

Thanks, Ryan.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching!

[@nadiamitchell3979]

So my question is how do we balance this knowledge but create better mental well being for our kids future

[@ADHDDude]

The point is this does create better mental health outcomes because when you feel capable and you know how to live and function within the culture you feel better then if you are a non-functioning adult who at 30 is living in your parents basement completely dependent on your parents

[@nykka3]

Thank you! Makes sense to me.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching!

[@stephendauss5370]

Thank you

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching!