My autism diagnosis journey

This is a bit of a different video and I’m very nervous to share it… but I decided to share it because I think it’s very important, especially for the younger generation.
I was always “different” and autism came into my life when a psychotherapists suggested I got checked for Aspbergers in my mid teens. I share my autism diagnosis story in this video.
When I first learnt about this it was in fact called Aspbergers, this term is not really being used anymore but it is the term I first learned and it feels weird to me saying I’m autistic vs saying I got Aspbergers.
Any questions let me know and your kindness is very appreciated ❤️
Resources
www.kobo.com/nz/en/audiobook/...
🥀 Follow along
/ sagajohanna_

[@alecb.7696]

This is, without doubt, the rawest and most beautiful testimony I have listened to on KZbin. I feel privileged to hear your story and saddened by the lack of support you received. I do not have superlatives enough to describe the courage that it took to post this. You are a bright light in a neuro-typical world. I suspect I am at the very, very mild end of the spectrum (never diagnosed, but 'different' at school). And I managed to learn coping mechanisms to be relatively effective in the world. I am an extreme introvert and highly sensitive to noise. I learned a lot when going through a Myers-Briggs exercise at work about different personality types (however flawed the model may be): Why did I react 'oddly' in situations others found normal? Why would going to a nightclub at university be anathema to me, because of the overwhelm of the discordant sounds and having so many people invading my personal space? Why is the sound of someone eating, especially something like a apple, like nails being scratched down a blackboard? I will research what you said about masking, as I suspect I have been doing this all my life. I am very glad you have found the non-judgemental partner you describe. Thank you for sharing this immensely personal testimony. Even being fairly self-aware now (over 40 and having done quite a bit of practise in the Buddhist tradition), I found this helpful to me.

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much. Your words mean so much to me, and potentially even more knowing the space of self awareness from which it comes. I’ve also found the Buddhist tradition helpful in finding better coping mechanisms that can lead to true enlightenment and not only temporary fixes. Masking is fascinating, and having a partner has forced me to try to not mask in the world. Because suddenly I feel like I have a constant truth next to me in the world and I’m not acting in accordance with it - if that makes sense.

[@curiouscanuck]

Hi Alec, if the sound of someone eating an apple or other annoying sounds bother you a lot, you have Misophonia.

[@matteanolan8964]

whats ur mbti?

[@mariliagabriela7816]

I'm so, so sorry you didn't get the support you needed as a child, but I'm glad you're finding the answers you need, now.

[@enchanted222]

I am so sorry that you have suffered so much. But you know, you are a LIGHTWORKER. You are shining your light to illuminate the way for others. That is why you care so much for animals and are not materialistic and crave simplicity. It's why you struggle to connect. It is why you have the amazing ability to see through all the conditioning which so much of the human family labours under. 27 is so young. Like the alchemist who turned lead into gold, you will turn your trauma into GOLD. One day, on the journey you will realise that all of this has become your greatest gift and your greatest treasure. Be blessed x

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you for your absolutely wonderful comment! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ you understand perfectly, thank you thank you thank you 🌟

[@WRTshade]

Thankyou

[@WRTshade]

I know your word were to this amazing woman. But they strengthen me aswell

[@sleeep0187]

@@WRTshade I believe you❤

[@adamlewis3729]

She is a light worker for sure. This video is literally saving my life tonight. Thank you!

[@TheINFP_Diary]

I strongly relate with your parents reaction to your diagnosis. After i was diagnosed (at 20 years old) and even during the evaluation, my parents were in denial. Even thought they've said to me all my life (as young as 4 in a home video) how goofy, weird, alien, silly I am. Even now after pointing out my symptoms as a lighthearted joke, like how clumsy, lazy, anxious etc I can be, they tell me don't ever use a diagnosis as an excuse for anything. I never have, so i'm slightly confused how I've gone all my light with zero catering from people yet always having to cater to others, then I get an explanation for why i am the way i am, and get told not to use that as an excuse. I want to make accommodations for myself so i can be my best potential, but i don't know how since i'm still living with them.

[@SagaJohanna]

That sounds so similar to my story, I’m sorry you are having to go through that ❤️ Since you’re still living with them it must be difficult. One thing I try to do around people that don’t accept or know me is to stick to my truth but not be confrontational (because they won’t listen anyway). So I will simply ignore them or say things like “hmm, is that what you think”. Overtime that gives me more confidence to take space and be myself, until I can remove myself from that situation.

[@kentecklund]

Do you rely on them or is there any way you can move out and separate a little from them? Just curious. I'm not extremely insightful. But I have a third party viewpoint since I'm not involved.

[@astridcyanistescaeruleus4126]

Tell your parents they are the reason of your "disease". Then cut the cord and find happiness elsewhere. Surrounded only by people who love you for real and that you love back. I wish you all the best.

[@nnylasoR]

Unfortunately, people (like that) don’t want you to have any kind of *explanation* for the behavior(s) they’ve always took advantage of teasing you for - because then they might actually end up stumbling down an uncomfortable road of feeling guilty for teasing, or be seen as a bad guy for making light of your [traits and struggles]. To keep calling it an “excuse” allows them to hold on to some power they think they have, and guilt-free freedom to put you down. (((((((hugs))))))))

[@catherinecarter8987]

​@@astridcyanistescaeruleus4126 no Astrid, truly, being confrontational against authoritative figures when dependent on them,... ie living with parents still,...is not the answer and can do more harm than good. It can lead to meltdown, depression and further ostracisation. I think a general practitioner is the one to talk to for getting help, not arguing and winding up bigoted and/ or neurotypical persons.

[@michelle5455]

Wow, you are beyond brave. Especially the part you said that you had to cater to your parents because they didn’t want to accept your diagnosis. Your vibe is authentic and pure. I’m glad you are alive and strong. Thank you for sharing this video. Your perspective really brought awareness. Thank you 🙏🏽🙌🏽

[@SagaJohanna]

🥲 thank you so much for your kind comment. I was beyond nervous posting this, and this makes me feel so seen ❤️

[@michaelshannon9169]

I cried watching this because I know it too well. The sense of entrapment, helplessness and being absolutely stranded in a world that makes less and less sense with time. My youth was the same - messed up parents, kids just being an after thought, no one recognizing the pain your going through. Btw, I know Swedish ppl speak English really well as a second language but your capacity to articulate your situation so vividly and with such impact would rival any 1st speaker of English. I hope you're finding hope and positivity in your life.

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you for your comment and sharing ❤️❤️❤️ it really means a lot to me! And thank you! I’ve loved speaking English since I was a child, and apparently it might be an autism trait. I feel more like myself in English than Swedish!

[@kevinr3866]

​@@SagaJohanna very good English for someone who dont live in a Western country!

[@raybod1775]

I’m 65 with Asperger Syndrome on the autistic spectrum due to a traumatic brain injury when I was around 4 or 5 years old. No one can tell anymore that I’m different. My socializing was learned mostly as an adult, especially the last 15 years. The hardest things I had to overcome was my slurry speech which I practice almost daily, learning to separate my emotions from other people expressing their emotions, not being concerned about others if they don’t care about me, small talk, conversation turn taking, staying on topic, allowing others to say what they want to say. My brother is a narcissist which I learned from KZbin Dr. Ramani videos and books. Your therapists were incompetent, they were at fault, not you.

[@michaezell4607]

Usually ASD is something you're born with usually due to other nuero developmental deficits( I have PACC for example which plays a huge role in my condition). I too was initially diagnosed with asperger syndrome but have since been re diagnosed as having autism spectrum disorder in light of the DSM 5 changes that effectively eliminate the asperger syndrome diagnosis. For me eye contact has been my biggest hurdle in regards to social interaction skills as well as initiating conversations but I've definitely made HUGE strides and improvement since my diagnosis in 2008.I ohh so wish there were more support services available for adults on the spectrum though since so much of the focus appears to be on younger children.

[@marymccoy1619]

My daughter is 3 and is autistic. Non verbal, we’re working on it and she’s doing better. You are such an inspiration my love! I know not everyone is the same but you are making me cry because I have so much hope for my little girl ❤️ my heart is with you and I’ll be looking forward to watching more of your videos… have a blessed day love

[@SagaJohanna]

Wow thank you so so much 😊 I have hope for your girl too!

[@LisaMorrison-ry6mc]

Wow! I felt like you were describing my life, except for me it was depression and adhd. I was always told to "change my attitude" and that I was a " bad person" because I was so emotional. I was never told that my feelings were okay or asked to talk about how I was feeling. I felt the same kind of pain. No one understood me and no one wanted to try. It's still with me to this day. People who don't feel depressed just can't seem to accept that it's a real thing....and that it's very painful. With adhd, your mind has such a hard time focusing, you start 10 things at once, you walk into a room for one reason and leave for another....The worst part of that is I have a terrible memory, always have, and it hurts me in every type of job I've worked at. My family is always trying to tell me how to do things better; they just don't understand that my mind works differently from theirs. I'm so happy you have found a loving husband who understands and cares so much about your journey and I hope you feel stronger every day!

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you for sharing, I never knew that people with ADHD could resonate so much with my story and it gives me a new understanding for adhd and autism. I'm so sorry that your family aren't understanding. I also struggle with memory, and can't really remember things!

[@thomasjefferson4492]

LISA,go get a NICOTINE patch and put it on your arm..you'll be surprised..Your brain needs nicotine to protect its self from deaseas.....

[@mafakefoot]

I have learned much and I thank all who shared. Almost every reading the same thought of worry recurs...every minute thinking and analyzing yourself is not progress..

[@ryderyp]

I just want to jump through the screen and hug you 💕

[@SagaJohanna]

Aw ❤️❤️❤️ thank you!

[@anselayala7990]

Me too xoxo 😘

[@augustine.c8204]

Thanks for letting the neurotypical people into your world and experience, your story helps us understand so much better. Praying for your healing ❤

[@toni5543]

i do relate. i was told by my parents im 'always healthy' so i didnt think there could be anything wrong. then the older i got, the more i realised im really different. im now 26, awaiting an adhd and an autism assessment. i have struggled with dermatillomania (skin picking) my whole life. i have dyscalculia- i still cant learn my times tables or do anything beyond small number basic maths. i am also hypermobile. ive been depressed/ anxious all through my life. i really appreciate your video. all the love from scotland x

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you for your comment

[@katherinevidmar7307]

Same same same

[@jcm5171]

Because you speak the unadorned raw truth, Saga, you will be heard from all those who are not neuro-typical in one way or another : real authenticity is extremely rare and has a way to touch the heart that is unmistakable. I recognized instantly what you feel and felt as you tell your story. It cut into my heart and gut like no other. Your strength too. It is evident and will serve you well. My story is different but the same, but I am much older than you. I am so glad that you were diagnosed much earlier than some of us. My story is that of an undiagnosed Profoundly Gifted child with slight ADD who was diagnosed at 65 years old, by accident, at a brand new therapist's seance. Wow, it clicked, it was unbelievable. I was raised as an only child by a deeply disturbed narcissistic mother and a Gifted father. Our family was completely dysfunctional, no one was diagnosed, my father committed suicide at age 77 and I am still struggling to handle my 91 year old mother who thinks of me as a scape goat or an excuse to boast, depending on her needs. She absolutely hates everything I care about and I am bored to tears or horrified by her mental set and behavior. She is untrue and manipulative to the core and I didn't know this at all, for the longest time. I kept trying to improve to make her happier ! I thought she was neurotic and obsessed with certain things but that she loved me in her own way. It turns out she never has and is not capable of loving or feeling anything for others. And yet, as often, I still have not managed to extricate myself from her claws because of trauma bonding. To this day, I don't know how I am going to come out of this, despite intensive therapy. To those who read this, if any, I want to tell them that we are darn great SURVIVORS if we are able to tell our story, at whatever age. I am sooo happy to see someone as young and marvelous as Saga, who has suffered tremendously in her very soul and identity, showing how incredibly resilient and intelligent she is and how well she has managed. Bless you, Saga. No one ever noticed anything. I was often thought of by my peers as "different", original, impossible to understand, pathologically altruistic and concerned by things that didn't benefit me directly, abnormally intense, abnormally sensitive, completely unpredictable, not from the same universe. How could anyone be so bright in many things and completely incompetent for others ? How could I work so deeply for so long and so hard on certain things then drop the whole thing and move on to something else not even remotely connected or absolutely useless in everyone else's eyes ? Why did I need to be alone all the time ? Those were fairly often raised questions but no one paid much attention, including doctors and therapists. They probably thought I just wasn't normal, but how and why ? Of course I was not "normal", you fools ! Depression, anxiety and feeling completely different or disconnected from anyone else has deeply colored my life. I just couldn't bring myself to like what other people liked. I succeeded however, through relentless huge efforts, in creating a false-self that was so successful that even I believed in it. But deep down, I was struggling and hurting and wondering and lost, squandering my potential. Today no one in my family or among my closed friends understands a thing even though some are trying. It's too much work to try and wrap your head around something that seems incomprehensible and that you never have experienced, even for a minute. And like you said, no one is really interested in this neuro-divergent topic, unless they are directly impacted. It's interesting, explains a lot, ya, but you know, they have so much more important stuff to worry about. We know this, deep down...And then also, when someone is interested, we just don't find the words, we don't know where to begin...! I failed quite spectacularly at a couple of things but I succeeded in much everything I undertook for the sole purpose of proving to myself and others my worth. I was so lost and foolish. It almost killed me : the greatest Schools, top level executive jobs at Disney, a great social life and then I was SAVED by a coma. A burn-out that stopped me cold for a year. I realized that none of these things in my life mattered to me in the least, in fact, I felt aversion for them. I told no one. My profound two-way healing and love connection with animals probably saved my life as it was the one thing that I never negotiated despite what anyone said or did -- it made me experience pure resonance, selfless, completely unconditional love and how it feels to be received as we are by another sentient being. What marvel, what privilege. It made me climb the same mountain over and over again to advocate for animal rights against all odds. I have grieved and grieved many losses, over and over again, particularly the older martyred sighthounds from Andalousia, the galgos I adopted because no one wants an old dog : years of bliss and gratitude and discard of ego; what a relief. High intensity functioning due to different brain wiring is what it is, and the crazy quest for absolutes and ideals suddenly make sense : we suffer more ? Yes, but we experience profoundly positive and fulfilling emotions too. I didn't really realize this until I was in Thailand working with elephants that had been rescued in a sanctuary deep inside the forest. Someone said to me as I was sobbing with relief and clinging one night to the old female elephant that had taken a bad fall that day and that I found to be strong and just fine :"Madame, how lucky you are that you can feel so deeply, so much, so often, such feelings, you cry with deep joy and relief, you cry with bitterness and anguish, you are not afraid to hurt so you dive into love, again and again, we watch you every year, I love the elephants too but I don't feel any of that, I wish I could be like you. You have only met Meta yesterday and look, she breathes in your ear, she is like you, she feels so deeply, elephants are very emotional and often depressed, she thinks you are an elephant but just different body. She knows deep love very well." I had tried to "regulate" and feel LESS all my life. Not anymore. My intense, complex perception of the world and my need to understand were endless sources of joy, interest and battles in a way that I had to keep for myself often but which never failed me : I was unsure about many things but I never doubted my values and will die with them, no matter what tradition or cartesian logic or worldwide norm say. That, in and of itself, is worth being neuro-divergent because we SEE what others can't. I never fully recovered as my nervous system was out of service and complex post traumatic stress symptoms started to kick in. I continue to strip my life of all that was imposed upon me, including what I imposed upon myself. You are so right, how to tell who we really are after having absorbed so many behaviors from a neuro-typical society ? Well, we did what we had to, and we are here, alive, able to talk about it. After all, living a "hybrid" life like this is unique and has expanded our interest and understanding of human nature. You are young and you will discover much more about your core identity and needs, and way faster than older survivors like me ! Read more good books about Aspi women, books are so revealing, as you have found !!! You will do a lot with that wonderful person that you are : the world needs you because it is poor in all the gifts you were born with. Your parents were dealing with issues that absorbed their entire attention and I wouldn't be surprised if one or the other or both had narcissistic tendencies : the obsession with oneself first is common and denial too but the inability to accept something because it doesn't fit into one's "perfect" image of one self and of one's life is a very typically narcissistic thing. If they really saw you as a perfectly normal little girl, they were just believing what they wanted to believe. If they lied to the therapists, same thing : what matters is them, not you and you felt that intensely. It probably couldn't be helped : what people don't see, they don't see, and when they don't want to see, they will do anything to deny it. I wonder if the fact that, in swedish culture, the importance of not standing out or making oneself more or less than others hasn't played a role in the whole apprehension of things by your parents. Perhaps they couldn't stand it because they felt it reflected badly on them ? You explained that particularity very well in one of your videos, if I'm not mistaken. Thank you for this sharing, it matters a great deal, Saga. Thank you also for all your videos. Your light is so bright and natural that it cannot help but soothe and motivate people. 🤗❤️

[@jessicajansson1203]

Wow that is a strong testimony!! I am a Swedish aspie who is 48 and I got my diagnose when I was 35. I try to support parents in FB-groups because I care about the children...

[@cowsonzambonis6]

This such a raw video. You deserve all the joy life has to offer; none of this is your fault. ❤

[@lellachu1682]

I'm sorry for how you have suffered. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I was diagnosed with ADD in my teens, and I remember taking the number test and the administrator being so surprised that I was finished and saying he'd only seen people "like Rain Man" score so highly. This was a few years before Asperger's became a popular diagnosis, so perhaps, a few years later, I might've received that diagnosis. Still, I can see that I've not struggled nearly to the degree you have, and you have my respect and admiration. I have a daughter who reminds me of you, and you've inspired me to be more compassionate and patient with her when I feel like she is being manipulative or rude or when I'm confused or annoyed by her differences. Thank you, and God bless you for sharing.

[@Brooke-jg3ie]

Literally crying with you. So often parents are unsupportive and just can’t stand the idea of you not being normal despite the fact they call you quirky and different every 2 minutes. I similarly couldn’t understand why I was struggling and at my darkest time luckily found autism as a reason that I’m not crazy that the things I do aren’t weird they are just me

[@SagaJohanna]

❤️❤️❤️ yes exactly! Quirky one minute, “not normal” the next.

[@edith.therese6892]

Thank you for your video, I really cried with you. I have a very similar story as yours, and it encourages me a lot to see someone like me surviving and sharing experiences. I am also autistic (diagnosed when I was 18, now I am 22) and had a difficult childhood because of my abusive parents. My father was/is mentally ill, and was very abusive. My mother was/is also mentally ill, and because she had to take care of my father, she didn’t have any time or interest in me. They always blamed me existing, and because of my traits as an autistic child I was always bullied at school. I tried to kill myself twice between my teenage years, and I’ve never thought that I will be able to have a normal life. Now I don’t live with them anymore and I am studying at a foreign university, also I have a supportive family (they are not my biological family, but they treat me as a daughter), supportive friends and boyfriend. But still I’m spending extremely hard time accepting myself being different from others, because I’ve felt always very guilty about it. There are many things I can’t do, like socializing, and also I get often panick attacks or I start crying. Like you said I also have hypersensitivity towards sounds and lights, which also cause panicking. But as you also said, there are some things I can do very well. I have very good intuition, am very good at playing instruments, learning languages (which helped me escape from my family), and noticing small emotional signs of others. I’m happy about it, because with this skill I can support who I love so much. Though I am still having tough time, I am thankful for having a new opportunity to make my life happier and make myself happier. And I thank you so much for sharing your story, because it made me feel that I am not alone and there is you who is caring for me (though we don’t know each other, it means A LOT to me) and saying that I’m not crazy or worse than others. It was my first time that I can entirely feel understood and accepted, and can feel a connection with someone. Thank you so so much. I send you a lot of love❤️ Therese

[@SagaJohanna]

Oh thank you so so much. Your words touched me so deeply ❤️ I too feel grateful and not alone and connected through your words and it means so much to me, as we have a similar story but I’ve never met anyone before who did. I also escaped in a way through language and living abroad really saved my life. I’ve also heard that autistic people tend to like learning and speaking new languages because they can express themselves in a new way without the norms of their culture. I absolutely feel this way with English and Italian. I feel as though I can express my happiness through English but not in Swedish. I’m so happy to hear you have supportive people around you. If you haven’t read the book I recommend it is so good for not feeling guilty! When she said that we are not manipulative and my husband truly understood why I did some things he didn’t understand, it made me feel so validated. So grateful for your comment ❤️

[@vanessab701]

I feel you…im not autism but introvert. Sometimes im crying when i am arround stranger peoples and have to go Home. It need 29 years to understand who i am. Now i am 32 and now i know how to handle it. Wish you the best 😊

[@SagaJohanna]

Wish you the best too! Yes I thought maybe I should make a video on coping strategies. Being around people can be so hard!!

[@passaggioalivello]

Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I'm a level 2 autistic adult, and I'm still struggling for legal recognition. Mental health has a poor consideration in my country. I can relate, especially when you said: "life is a prison". For neurotypical people I'm a retarded but I'm not enough to receive the help I need. I just found your channel but I think I'll binge-watch it. I'm autistic, vegan, minimalist and my dream is to live in a van. I apologize for my poor English.

[@jantaljaard835]

There's nothing wrong with your English.

[@JB-hj2vj]

Minimalism and veganism are very good, especially for autistic people. Living in a smaller space saves money and is good for the environment. And plant based food is easy to digest. I'm an autistic minimalist vegan as well.

[@passaggioalivello]

@@jantaljaard835 Thanks.

[@passaggioalivello]

@@JB-hj2vj Cool. Life is lighter.

[@Magdalena-xm8hl]

I am the mother of a 16yo daughter with autism. Although I am already motivated to learn a lot for her sake, and to support her as well as I can, your video gave me a lot to think about. Thank you! I'm very sorry your experience has been so painful. I wish you all the best!

[@JJBushfan]

I think this is the most compelling and educational video I have ever seen on KZbin. Thank you for making it. So glad to know you, even at a distance.

[@rachelb4235]

Your story made me very sad. I’m so sorry it was so difficult. I was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s. (Early 40s) Ironically, I saw a video on KZbin and realized I related to all of it. I’ve always felt different and was picked on a lot. I thought my difference was from childhood trauma. I struggle with so much now especially after not having to mask during Covid. I question who I would be as well if I didn’t mask. The part where you said we see our strengths by choice was interesting. I’d never thought of that. I’m becoming much more aware of my difficulties and trying to make allowances for them instead of being hard on myself. Sending you virtual hugs.

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much

[@Christinchong]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry to hear that your parents were not supportive, and I hope you are able to surround yourself with supportive people now. I look forward to watching more helpful videos from you about minimalism and beyond.

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much! I’m so happy that you want to keep watching :) more minimalist videos are definitely coming soon!

[@stormestallone7476]

Thanks for posting this. My older brother was autistic and despite being diagnosed in early childhood, he didn't had an easy life, he was extremely overweight throughout most of his life, he had very violent meltdowns, he would lash out on people and sometimes bang his head on the floor or wall, he got bullied at school a LOT, and at 13 he took his own life in which was a traumatic moment for me and my family, but according to my mom he didn't show any physical signs that he was suicidal but she looked up his browsing history and he was researching how to kill himself. I was 5 years old when that happened, but I don't blame him for this, my parents did their best to raise him and give him the best life and gotta remember he was diagnosed in the late 90s so there really wasn't much awareness as there is today and watching you're video brings me feelings of sadness but hopefulness and I'm glad you got through it all despite of what you went through. Have a great day.

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much for your comment. Wow, I understand a lot of that story... I was also on a path of researching suicide, and my mom killed herself when I was 18. But I can't begin to understand how difficult it must have been for you to live through that as a child. Sometimes I worry about my sister and I feel bad for my autism. I am really glad you liked my video

[@stormestallone7476]

@@SagaJohanna I was 5 years old at that time, so therefore I hardly remember him when he was still here and it's been 13 years since his death and my family is still in pain of what he did but again I don't blame him for this, he was in a really bad spot, plus the fact that suicide and depression runs in my family, Also I got another story to tell you. When I was in 7th grade there was a girl in my science class who was going through a really hard time and so I put my all and tried to support her and I worked out well, We were hanging out after school and other stuff and things were going great. But literally within 3 weeks she took her own life, I was invited to go to her funeral but I didn't want to go and at that time I was crying nonstop like a 2 year old when the parents are pissed, so suicide for me is close to home and I'm sorry about what happened to your mom, may she rest in peace and I hope she's having fun with Michael Jackson. I hope you are ok now.

[@cabokatherine]

Thank you Saga, for your courage and compassion. You have shared very personal, important experiences and aspects of your journey that can be a miracle for others struggling with the same challenges. You are a hero to me.

[@nadab_a]

when she said they took it from me guuuuurrrrl i FEEL YOU

[@kentecklund]

Hi Saga. Your video is good because it shows how you're figuring things out. My mother was a hoarder. I grew up not having a place to host friends. I'm 66 now. I have forgiven my parents. Parents are just real people with flaws, often not knowing the right things to do. It's hard to forgive them because of the cruel times I had, but I also had beautiful times with them. My parents loved each other. They weren't perfect but I think they were trying, in their own way, to do the right thing. They gave me the gift of life. Now, because of them, I can walk the Earth and experience the beauty of it all. For this one reason alone, we should forgive, move on, and respect our parents. You will be set free and be a better person.

[@SagaJohanna]

Hi Kent. How interesting. One of the books that most helped me with my feelings regarding my mother was a book by a woman who grew up with a mother who was a hoarder. I think it can have very similar feelings. ❤️

[@kentecklund]

@@SagaJohanna Thx for replying. That's interesting. I'm in Los Angeles, CA. I haven't seen a book yet from the point of view of the person who had to deal with the hoarder. I started a video on the subject. I want to bring to light that the hoarders get the attention and sympathy but almost never the victims of the hoarder. If you can recall the name of that book, I might search for it. Thank you. It helped me to view my parents as amazingly talented people who were in love and made me, but yet had their flaws as do all people. They weren't perfect and could have raised me better, but they didn't know and thought they were doing their best. I visited Sweden a long time ago. In the 1980s. Loved it. Thank you Saga.

[@kentecklund]

@@SagaJohanna How did hearing about a hoarder help you? Thx

[@SagaJohanna]

@@kentecklund I found the book, but seems as though there is no English translation. I’ll link it here anyway www.goodreads.com/book/show/23633881-en-dag-ska-jag-ber-tta-om-mamma It’s called “one day I will tell you about my mom”. Many of the feelings were similar for me, as for the daughter in this biography who has to live with a hoarder. The shame, the anger, the incredible love, the difficulty separating the love from the abusive. Reading it made me feel seen, and something I’ve worked on a lot is separating my mother with the addiction - whom I didn’t like, with the mother who I knew for most of my childhood - whom I loved. That separation also helped with dealing with all the emotions that came from growing up with abuse but love at the same time. I really liked the book, and I do hope you can find it in English somehow!

[@kentecklund]

@@SagaJohanna Hi Saga. Thx for replying. Tonight I'll spend a little time searching for a review or synopsis that's in English. You sound like you know a lot about how to deal with difficult situations. Very impressive, especially since you are still a young woman. There's nothing I can tell you, but I can share my perspective. My understanding of, and reaction to the past seems to change as I get older. I've been postponing editing my movie because my idea for the resolution of the story changes. I want it to be positive, enlightening, and helpful. Thx again for the link. I love the title! Best wishes to you and your husband.

[@nikolaiapanayotova3403]

I THANK YOU! 😢❤🙏🏼

[@anitanagahisa3049]

So sorry to hear about your struggles. Looks like you are healing and moving forward in your life.👍❤️😍

[@michellegaeb2291]

You are a STARSEED 🌷

[@memerovira]

This is so important. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@marioni116]

Thank you for sharing your story. Sending lots of love to you, Saga. ❤🌺❤

[@jeanbellinger9770]

You are very brave and have all my deep-felt sympathies. My brother just passed at 68 depressed, bipolar and with many more maladies all his life. I realized when he was 40 that he was autistic from an article I read. He saw many psychiatrists and psychologists since he was 17, but only got worse and never received an evaluation for autism. I later worked with autistic preschoolers for 10 years, which was some compensation. Many parents of autistic children are in denial. I completely enjoy your channel and benefit from it; you have my heartfelt sympathy. Good luck.

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much ❤ So sorry about your brother, I think I'm very lucky I've survived the experiences I've had and managed to have help around me.

[@wellinever1558]

Yes my husband and i divorced because he was in denial and blamed me and toik me to pyschatrists. I realise i am also on tge spectrum as my mother and grandmother was. Life can be so cruel but i did learn to survive and also still care and live with my 34 year old son with Aspergers. Saga you are a true inspiration

[@kristinataddei8138]

Thank you for being vulnerable and telling us all your truth!!!....

[@ruthneumann7019]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. The world has a lot to learn and I have learnt from you.

[@paramshah6376]

Thank God I found you. Getting diagnosed with autism as an adult explained all of my childhood and teenage years in one word. It is liberating. Knowing that it isn’t my fault. And yeah I am heartbroken that nobody in my family or friends is actually willing to help or even just understand what I’m going through. But I have my purpose. And at least up until now, my purpose has kept me alive. I don’t know how far I’ll go. But my diagnosis helps me a lot in understanding myself. Really love that you are brave enough to put yourself out there with such vulnerability. Appreciate it. ❤❤

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you

[@neenabentley5875]

You are the sweetest person, and i love all of your videos, but this is my favorite. So proud of you and all that you've overcome so far and will continue to overcome in the future as you heal. Hugs and love to you!

[@freezemanfrost]

Brave girl! Brave telling all of this! Have no word how much it toutched!

[@beverlyness7954]

It is so brave and sweet of you to tell us about your challenges. I'm so sorry your family didn't understand. Or help you find a path for yourself. My entire family has many mental health issues often leading to alcoholism or substance abuse. I'm happy that wasn't your path and that you're letting people know what's it's like to be you. Thank you for sharing yourself, and please know you are very special and someone worth knowing and understanding.

[@lynnspivak2178]

Saga, I understand you🌱thank you so much for this video!

[@hettysarjeant2548]

Saga you’re a beautiful spirit!

[@spiicyliime22]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child and continue to have strained family relationships, I know how you feel. ❤

[@divyasweety787]

Thank you so much for doing this....I understand how brave you have to be to do this in front of the whole world...on a public platform...but it is people like you who take up such huge task...or I should say responsibility of bringing this to light are changing this world one step at a time...I send peace and love to you...thank you so much for being such brave person...

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it

[@nealsonf]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! This opens my mind to my son's differences. I can't thank you enough! You are a wonderful person, be yourself.

[@margaritagaona]

Thank you for sharing this video,💕 You are brave, this was so relatable.

[@user-yv6fv6ve5w]

You are so courageous! Thank you for sharing. You are helping others and inspiring many people.

[@susannaholmgren1318]

Thank you for your beautiful and vulnerable story. It has broadened my understanding and I feal less fear and more hope in my possibility to help and be there for my children.

[@babysteps201]

I thank God so much that I found your video about autism! It is a lifesaver! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your life! This is so helpful!

[@black1582]

I’m sorry your parents were abusive towards you. You didn’t deserve it, no one does. I’m glad you’re happy now and you found a better life.

[@luzaquino2135]

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you continue healing and thriving you are an amazing person to this world. Thanks for helping others. And make the difference in this world.

[@jeanmarchisio2666]

Bless you for sharing I have an autistic child in my life and I always seek to learn anyway to help him be happy and treated with kindness and respect. You are a very strong woman

[@tracypalmer-wilson7022]

Thank you for sharing , you will have made a difference in a teenagers life today x x

[@mimirockt]

just found this video. so sorry, you had to go through this. sounds a lot like my life and i wish that to nobody. it's just cruel. hope you are in a better place in your life now.

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you!

[@susandean8584]

Thank you so much for sharing your painful journey. I think you are a bright light in the world and that many people have benefited already from your willingness to share. Namaste ❤️

[@martinibluegreen]

I'm sending you much love ❤❤❤ You are incredibly strong and beautiful soul ❤

[@denisehester5767]

"To thine own self be true ..." Very powerful sharing. Thank you for helping us understand so we can do and be better.

[@SK-is2ux]

thank you 🌸

[@Tori-su9me]

You are a beautiful person. I relate so much to your story. Thank you so much for sharing🤍

[@AllaboutDogs-Christ]

I'm so sorry...you shouldn't have had to go through all this on your own. I'm glad you met someone that is good to you. You are beautiful inside and out.

[@mickiej1]

You are a very brave and wonderful young woman. Thank you. Be well.

[@winnie5464]

You are simply AMAZING. I've watched your other videos first and you are always calm, sweet, reasonable, understanding and warm. Not only that, you are smart, capable and insightful. I would never have guessed in a million years that you've suffered through so many mental issues. Thanks for sharing everything. You've done a fantastic job with yourself and you should be very, very proud of that ❤❤❤

[@ieshastewart810]

Im sorry but also thank you, for going through this and sharing so us parents with autistic kids dont hurt them the way you have been hurt. You're absolutely beautiful and perfect, be blessed

[@garydonovan9585]

You are a very courageous person to share your struggles. I am glad you have been able to take care of yourself and learn who you are and what you need to be well. Your different is fine, stay true to yourself and take care of yourself. Keep building your life,day by Day, functioning your way. I've learned from you and will try to be sensitive to people around me that are what you describe as Neuro diverse .

[@nicolahacking2623]

You are a lovely person and I wish you happiness throughout your life.

[@theGuitarTNT]

Thank you for this video. It will help a lot of people! 🙏 🙌

[@Jarnvargfenrirsson]

I was diagnosed with ASperger Syndrome as an adult, i felt relief because put into a context many of my life, it was a hard journey, it was akward most of the time, but i survived, still i have issues with my social skills, but i can handle it, steg till steg, the same with frustration feelings, i can communicate without any problem, i am good at sports, i develop many intelectual skills , have a good job and a plenty life to live , Autism is a condition not a disease, many of us have a lot of positive characteristics asociated with this condition, i feel myself special, strong and it is good, we can handle it, so my best wishes with you and thank you for share this personal issue to educate and put into discussion this important issue.

[@cynthialeeser7952]

❤You are seen , heard and understood. You are a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman. I’m sorry you have suffered and experienced so much pain and sadness. Leave all the pain and suffering behind and go forward with your new life. God bless you. He loves you and cares for you. He made us all “ different “. You are free. You are very compassionate and tender hearted. I hope you find much love and have joy in your life.❤

[@carolwong5949]

Thank you for posting your video, now I feel that I understand my brother much more. I wish that I could have known you when you were younger and given you my love.

[@Drlarhonda]

Thank you 🙏🏽!

[@sofiabracamontes9184]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I see myself so much in many things you say... you speak about things I totally understand and have lived myself... I thought I was the only one, but I can see we're very similar! I rarely get that feeling.. I even see something of myself in the way you talk your mannerisms... I was diagnosed with autism too, recently. I totally understand those struggles... It's hard to explained them to others, I think you've done a great job.

[@cc8722]

Thank you for bringing us to see the world from an autism lens. Your advocating for children with autism is admirable. Have you heard of the organization, Children’s Health Defense? It helps explain why some children suffer autism. We don’t always know what the other person has gone through or is struggling with, be it a hidden disability, a loss, or simply having a bad day. We are finite human beings, far from being perfect and often self-centered and unkind towards others, especially when the other person is different than us or simply inconvenience us. Yet, each one of us is asked to be kind and patient towards others, always think of others more important than ourselves. God knows our frame. May we draw strength from Him to do what is good. Thank you again for sharing. Your tears did not fall in vain.

[@samsteeranimation]

amazing honesty. thanks for sharing your story

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much !

[@kimberlyjones7975]

Thank you for taking the time to share your life with us. My grandson is showing signs of being on the spectrum, and my husband and I are trying to learn as much as we can to help him. Thank you for speaking for our 3 year old grandson. Best wishes to you and your life journey.

[@Helen_Art]

Hello Johanna, it's a pleasure to meet you. I come here to share that I've been there and I'm passing trough a simillar experience at the moment, it makes me total sad to see that our parents generation is full of stress and dosen't leave them understand to us being neurodivergents. But, out of this, this kind of content makes me have hope in that everything can be solved, since passing trough depression at the moment for me is getting harder and harder every eahc day... This gives me a calm time of reflection where I can be myself and learn to deal with all this strigles of life while I indepidence myself. I totally thank you for being open and sharing that we are not alone in this process of healing, it makes it feel more natural. I wish you all a great time.

[@mememexD]

You are so beautiful inside and out. You deserve all the happiness of the world. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤

[@launacasey6513]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your words are so authentic and raw and really resonated with me. Last night I wrote this huge paragraph comment and then my internet crapped out so it never posted, but I wanted to try again. I have not been diagnosed with asd yet but at 41 have been assessed for adhd. It's very obvious to me that I have both - but I'm afraid to get an autism diagnosis for a few reasons. First of all, many medical professionals tend to have this mindset that autism is mainly a thing that affects males and tend to get diagnosed when they are young. I feel like I wouldn't be believed or validated. I know very well what I struggle with, but I'm afraid that I'm not 'autistic enough' to get a diagnosis. Plus at this point I'm not sure it would change anything. I've had sensory issues my whole life, always felt like an outsider, need lots of alone time, prefer time with nature or animals than with people, rarely felt confident or competent, had lots of anxiety and some depressive episodes, etc. I can't list it all. But I also felt trapped as a kid. My parents were not as compassionate as I would have liked. They were rather horrible in their own separate ways. I've done a ton of research and there was something that kinda blew my mind - autism has a very strong genetic component. It's very possible that one of our parents had asd without knowing it, so they were perhaps unaware of their impact on us. If I hadn't done a deep dive into content and information about the subject, I wouldn't have the knowledge and understanding I have now. What a lot of people don't know is that autism isn't just melt downs or things you can see - there's a huge internal struggle that no one sees. And we can get very good at masking it. Whether or not I get assessed for asd, I intend to fight the good fight to bring understanding to others. I feel a part of this community and I want there to be more compassion and less 'othering', less focus on words like disorder or deficits, more acceptance. We're all just humans trying to exist in the world.

[@missyamorosi]

Wow I relate so much! My mom was always making fun of me for being different and making me feel like a loser but never attempted to actually help me seek therapy or anything. I never knew what was wrong with me. I had trouble making friends and the friends I did meet all turned on me. It wasn't until just recently that I discovered I am autistic which helped me so much to understand and accept myself. I still can't tell my family. I know they won't acknowledge it. But I can now forgive myself for my social failures in life. It's nice to see that there are other people like me. You are a beautiful person inside and out with an awesome perspective. I wish you the best. Also you have a very nice and soothing voice. :)

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much, that is so kind of you

[@303anders]

Thank you for sharing your story and experience. Both my kids have autism and it was alot to learn as a parent. But now I see it like a very positive. Sure it’s not easy for anyone that feels they are different when the whole society is built for people without diagnosis “normal” so you really have to fight for getting help in school. Now I live in Sweden and that’s not the best place to get help today.

[@isabellammusic]

I really admire you!

[@AwtisticallyMe]

I'm so sorry that you went thru that. :( *big hug for you love*

[@SagaJohanna]

❤️❤️❤️

[@autismgoggles5356]

Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us. It is always most important to hear about autism from Autistic people. NT people are just guessing when they share about what it means to be Autistic. Your story was real and impactful. I think it could help many parents who want to do the best job they can in raising their children to live their Autistic lives.

[@1Sarradd]

You have started your journey. Don't compare your timeline or progress to others. You are on your journey and do what is right for you. You are beautiful and intelligently created by a loving God. I'm seeing similarities between us that are leading me to look further into my previous depression/anxiety/adhd diagnosis along with my addictions. I feel I may have sensory issues if not more. Thank you for telling your story. None of this is your fault dear. You have an understanding and gentleness beyond your years. Your trauma and story are helping others. I also hope that your patience for "normal" people grows. There are good people who really do want to understand and help... love to you from Ohio in the U.S.

[@rachelmagallon8636]

I’m late to your channel but I’m catching up and enjoying your videos. This one really touched me. Everyone, especially girls never believe we are enough. So sorry you didn’t have the support you needed. You are beautiful and so sweet! Thanks for sharing❤

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much for your support ❤️ I wholeheartedly agree and I also plan to make more videos about self worth 🙏🏻

[@ChihuahuaDogLife]

Thank you for sharing. 🤗

[@debbieryan8537]

So sorry you went through this and so happy you have found a partner that accepts you. My daughter has trisomy x and I put all of her characteristics down to that. But now that I have a autistic partner whom I love to bits, I am thinking may she also has autism. Your video has been very helpful! It must have been very difficult for you to make this video but please know that it is helping others. You are beautiful, brave and amazing! Thank you!

[@priscillabranch9824]

I am so, SO PROUD of YOU. Thank you so very much for teaching me about the importance of getting children the support they need, particularly when their child may be neuro divergent. I'm happy that your parents did take you to specialists. But, as you noticed, they reacted in fear and guilt about your development, because they probably felt they were responsible for your neuro-divergence.. So, instead of exploring what may be best for you, they thought it may be easier to deny it. Especially since mainly boys were diagnosed with autism. Speaking as a parent of a son who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I absolutely felt responsible for his diagnosis. He's taught me so much. And I dropped the worries about whether I ate all the right foods while he was a fetus, because I was way too busy trying to figure out how to get him the help he needed. I am especially proud of your resilience and how you're using your life experiences to teach the rest of the world. May you continue allowing space for self compassion as you grow and develop (we never stop growing). And may you eventually see that your parents, while very flawed, did the best they could for you. Societal pressure, mental illnesses and personal guilt can blind parents of their children's needs. One last thing: it's always good to remind others that you are doing your very best. And that whatever suggestions you share about what works best for you, are for you only. You have an international audience and therefore hold a position of power. So, it's super important to share that medications for depression and anxiety as an adolescent didn't work for YOU. It's clear your primary diagnosis is NOT depression or anxiety. But, for some of your listeners, medication might work for them, because the symptoms of their primary diagnosis may actually be reduced with medication. All the best to you!

[@Touay.]

Thank you for sharing.

[@katherinevidmar7307]

Thank you for sharing this. I realized that I was austistic when I was 32. We are worth unmasking 🎭

[@SagaJohanna]

Yes we are!

[@ilianaboheme]

Thanks for sharing! You are not alone in this. The more we are brave to tell our story the more education and healing we can do. ;)

[@SagaJohanna]

Thank you so much

[@lyndang5880]

Thanks Saga, thanks so much for your sharing! I really really appreciate your words that are really really meaning to me!

[@SagaJohanna]

Oh thank you!

[@michaelbrookins2720]

Thank you for sharing

[@factChecker01]

A touching reminder. You never know what kind of struggles other people are suffering from.

[@chrisellis4400]

I grew up with an abusive parent and I didn't figure it out until I was in my 30s. I thought throwing off my abuser would solve all of my problems.. This lead to homelessness. I used to be really shy but going through homelessness cured me of that. I'm very self-confident now and yet my brain just doesn't allow me to navigate complex social situations. Your story is the first I've come across that matches my story of being both autistic and also being raised by an NPD/BPD. Being able to afford an autistic assessment is out of reach for me.. I hope you use your privilege to help others.

[@ashleeadams2033]

Wow, I just fell in love with your van and started following you and now I see this video as I am going through my own autism diagnosis! What a cool coincidence! I really appreciate you sharing your story - thank you

[@SagaJohanna]

That is cool! Thank you so much

[@TheAmazingDreamz]

I’m living through my autism as well, I get overwhelmed and forget things when I’m around others

[@w8sted1]

Fascinating, heartfelt and beautiful....

[@SagaJohanna]

❤

[@andijonesgrif]

Thank you for sharing. Your journey has been hard. I have a 10 yr old boy with autism, ADHD and hyperactivity and is non-verbal. I do my best for him but there's so much I don't understand about him. What you share is helping me rethink so much of what I'm doing with him. Thank you

[@jeffbiggs7879]

Informative, touching. Thank you

[@fredkrissman6527]

Wow! I don't know "what" I "am" on any spectrum -- though I suspect my personality is heavily impacted by sustained childhood traumas -- but I do recognize human sincerity. You exude authenticity SagaJ, and I thank you for giving us important portions of your lived experience! Your shared experiences are greatly enriching my life on the other side of the planet.