SHE said what??? - My mom reacts to my autism diagnosis

Join my FREE KZbin Challenge: neurodivergentmom.net/youtube...
► 🌟 TIMESTAMPS
1:02 Mom's reaction and my dx & how I felt angry and disappointed.
3:44 Why people say "Everyone is a little bit autistic"and why it's not a helpful response.
5:00 Don't tell someone they are autistic
7:22 Theory of mind and autistic experience
10:22 Things to consider before sharing your autism diagnosis
12:12 How to deal with negative reactions
14:56 Free resources
► 🌟 THIS VIDEO IS ABOUT:
My mom is now almost 70 and her reaction to my autism diagnosis shocked me but it probably wouldn’t surprise other autistic people. I mean what do you expect when you tell someone from that generation that you’re A? Oh, wow, that’s a good thing. Do you see the gifts in this? Do you see how that is like being twice exceptional? Or it’s even a superpower.
Umm no.
Her reaction was typical. She felt sorry for me.
Now it was the best reaction I got from someone close to me, like my dad’s reaction, so I should be thankful but I’m disappointed.
Because this is what she said.
She said, well, everyone is a little bit autistic. I’m sure I do so many things that are autistic.
Yes, mom, you do. And I say this respectfully because you actually own it.
But why did it hurt so much to get the “everyone is a little bit autistic” response from her?
That's what this video talks about.
► 🍿 Watch this next: My Dad's Reaction To My Autism DX • He Said WHAT??? My dad...
__________
► 📋 Fave BOOKS
📖 Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price 📖 amzn.to/3Ht23ru
📖 So you think you're autistic by Samantha Stein @YoSamdySam Link to buy amzn.to/4b8TYpJ
__________
► 📸 FAVORITE KZbin TOOLS:
» Camera: amzn.to/3xcwPDb
» Microphone: amzn.to/43G0VLl
» Ring Light with tripod: amzn.to/43CXyVy
» Video light 150W: amzn.to/43C6XN0
» Light Diffuser and Grid: amzn.to/4azixuF
__________
NOTE: This description may contain affiliate links; these links allow you to find the items mentioned in this video at no additional cost to yourself. While this channel may earn a small amount when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links.

[@pugs34]

So many people are incapable of admitting a mistake or hurt to another that they've committed. I give you so much credit and admiration for being able to bluntly take accountability, admit the mistake, apologize for it, and use that moment to teach others not to make the same mistake. I love that self-awareness and integrity.

[@DataRae-AIEngineer]

Hey thanks for sharing this. I can relate... when I told my mom I was autistic she was like "no you're not. Everyone's autistic." LOL. I'm proud of you for sharing with her anyway, and looking forward to your next video.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Thanks 🫶🏽

[@patientzero5685]

There’s autistic people and there are people who are just weird and don’t care to stop just because their own comfort is more important than that of others.

[@CrisOnTheInternet]

"Everybody is a little bit autistic, little bit ADHD, little bit OCD", seriously what's wrong with people? Neurodiversity is not something to take lightly, people really struggles. Also as human beings we need answers to the whys, that's why getting a diagnosis is important.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

People really struggle. You nailed it. That’s the main point and it should not be dismissed rather accommodated and given grace and understanding.

[@patientzero5685]

It’s a spectrum right? No different from being a little bit gay.

[@mirandafiori6205]

I’m autistic

[@shaycollier2090]

I have not been diagnosed... but I'm almost certain I'm on the spectrum and people say this to me almost every time I tell someone I think I am. I feel so validated hearing that MAYBE my very real struggles aren't just me not being good enough.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

@@shaycollier2090 you ARE good enough. The nagging feeling of not being good enough and being unlovable (which is a big theme for me) is coming from a different source… and accepting your neurodivergence is a step to getting closer to that self acceptance and self love. That’s the journey we are on in this channel.

[@j.b.4340]

I recognized that I was different from my peers, at a very young age. Others saw it. When a teacher mentioned possible ADD, I recoiled in horror. Back then (80’s), it was not something you wanted to be labeled with. They never brought it up again. As an adult, after learning what autism, and ADHD (AuDHD) actually were, the struggle of my entire life made total sense, and it was a relief. I don’t think we should care what others think.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I think I would have reacted the same way if I was diagnosed earlier on. Something about "the struggle of my entire life" as you put it humbled me to accept it with so much pride when I finally self-diagnosed at age 39.

[@whitneymason406]

Great video! My mom was interviewed for my diagnosis and I think that helped her understand. Now, almost 3 years after my diagnosis she can see it runs in our family and that she may be autistic as well. Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I am seriously considering paying out of pocket for a professional diagnosis because of this. When a psychologist asks these questions to my parents they will see the similarities. I’ve received a few comments on the last video hinting that this might be a gentler way to help older parents see the possibility of them being autistic as well.

[@Coreyman32488]

Also in their world they couldn’t click a video on KZbin or get a KZbin algorithm to help them reach a conclusion about a curiosity. It was all word of mouth and encyclopedias. You can’t expect them to see your world. All you can do is speak an explain in a loving way that hopefully will encourage them to understand you and your kids

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Thanks for your comment. It’s a losing battle to get them to see through my eyes. I think it’s about growing up and saying “I’m going to build my own identity now even if it’s radically different from you mom and dad.” It’s like a second coming of age of sorts. And that means acceptance of where they’re at and leaving them to be there. As I move ahead for me and my kids. Like you said.

[@psiloki9054]

Yes I feel we must be understanding of the lack of knowledge of the subject. To my mom autism is a big disorder since that’s what she was taught. We expect them to understand us but we must be understanding of them now. It happens in every family dynamic where the parents must be given leniency when they show ignorance because of their advanced age or culture.

[@psiloki9054]

I told my mom I was autistic and she was like “I didn’t see anything wrong with you growing up and all the kids are a little weird” and I just laughed. She’s 80 and old….I didn’t care. She grew up in a different world. Back then autism wasn’t a thing for girls. She was just ignorant and it wasn’t something i should get upset about. She wasn’t taught therefor I must be understanding for the time period and culture she was raised in. It’s a new concept for her and her generation and they’re not quick like younger people in the changing world.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Well said. 🌻

[@marzymarrz5172]

I'm sorry you did not get get the reaction that maybe you hoped for or maybe expected. I think in life we often have to provide our own nurturance, our own pleasure in an accomplishment, or pleasure in having an explanation for things we have wondered about for years. It is your gift, as you said. Good for you!

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Yes autism is a gift I received from my dad.

[@lyanimoody6554]

I just got diagnosed with autism last year im 38 going on 39 and got the same response from my dad and my grandmother who said I cant believe that I think your telling yourself that 🤷🏽‍♀️ i said no, a psychiatrist actually diagnosed me then she says oh now I can believe it. I thought what the heck im not a person to make something up especially that, so i changed my whole relationship with them and my dad doesn't except me he gets irritated when I have meltdowns and burnouts which is not my fault. So I stopped dealing with people who stress my nervous system and surrounded myself with people who accept me and my husband who is also autistic and unashamed. Thank you for sharing this you are strong and brave. Peace and blessings to you 🙏🏼🙂

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Distance yourself 💪 I wish more people were brave enough to do this. And it doesn’t have to be forever. Family can always heal and come closer again. Yeah it makes me so angry when people believe something only when a psychiatrist or a psychologist or a doctor said it. What about us not getting heard!? Unfortunately this is a trigger for many autistic people to begin with.

[@lyanimoody6554]

@@NeurodivergentMom yes 💯🙏🏼

[@ResidentNotEvil5]

Thk you I'm learning about autism diagnosis because one of my brother has it

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Feel free to ask any specific questions you might have. I'm looking for new ideas for research all the time. Thanks in advance.

[@ResidentNotEvil5]

@@NeurodivergentMom sure thk you so much ⭐

[@user-bo7wc8jo8x]

Yes, they are projecting

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I guess that should make us more compassionate towards them instead of getting defensive

[@paulinejulien9191]

Sometimes people don’t have the information they need to figure out they’re neurodivergent on their own, especially people from older generations, and it can be life-changing for them if you share that information with them. I’m not talking about trying to convince them or being forceful; just suggesting it and letting them process it. Sure, at first they might struggle to accept it, and it might take time, but at least you’ve given them something to think about and they can come to the conclusion by themselves later on, just like the way a lot of people figure out they’re neurodivergent because KZbin suggested a video on the subject to them. My mother-in-law had no idea she suffered from ptsd from her childhood trauma until I went through that myself and shared it with her and told her, ‘hey, do you think this might be you, too?’ It took time but eventually it resonated with her and now she’s doing therapy to work on her trauma. I’m not sure she would have come to this point if I hadn’t pointed her in that direction, and if she didn’t have ptsd after all then no harm done; at least it allowed her to do some self-reflection. The fact that your dad reacted this way isn’t your fault; you did nothing wrong. At least you’ve given him this information and he can choose to do whatever he wants with it. It sounds like you feel guilty for him taking it the wrong way and you’re putting the blame on yourself somehow? Don’t listen to people in the comments trying to guilt-trip you. You didn’t share any private or sensitive information about your dad and have nothing to feel bad about ❤

[@sirbobfritez13]

Someone told me they thought I was autistic, I never would have figured it out on my own. I'm grateful.

[@txaicab]

Can I just say it is really reassuring to see someone who is female and South Asian talk about being autistic. I'm South Asian and on the spectrum myself and it's frustrating how deeply misunderstood autism is in our culture. My mom is a substitute teacher and often works with children in special needs education with higher level of support needs and she would probably never believe me if I told her I was autistic and realized this later in life (even though she has implied my dad is). Thank you for your channel and making this video.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Thank you for your comment. I can relate to this… that your mom would see it on your dad and not you. Similar situation here. The truth is that after letting out my frustration about her reAction I’m able to be civil with my mom again and come back a little bit to love. 🫶🏽

[@audreydoyle5268]

My roommate once said "Oh, everyone's a little on the spectrum... everyone's a little ADHD," but then two nights ago, we were watching a medical show, and the paramedic said a newborn had hypermobile joints. He said "that's a sign of autism,". And I said "I know," and over extended my elbow. He said "you're not autistic,". And I asked "what makes you think that,". His reply: "because you're very intelligent,". It goes beyond invalidating when a neurotypical denies your own conclusion about how you process the world. It arises feelings of distrust and fear, it's scary to not be believed, especially when you're self diagnosed, because people who have this mindset that autism looks like that aggressive, non-verbal, intellectually challenged, privileged, little, white boy, and not every skin tone, every race, every age and gender and sex. Autism is every person that processes the world through a hypervigilant lens from birth. Not just from trauma. He thinks I'm just a traumatised neuro-typical, and that's why I'm a "weirdo". When weirdo, annoying, re*arded, creepy, nosey, childish, all those things we are called are because of a lack of understanding how it feels to be autistic. It's not just the little white boy throwing chairs because he's bored or overstimulated, it's the little brown girl curling her toes in her shoes cause the classroom is too loud. It's the little white girl with ratty, oily hair, flicking her fingers and spinning her rings under the desk, and putting her head on the desk, shutting down because the classroom is so loud, it's like someone is shaking metal cans with ball bearings like maracas next to their ears. If everyone's a little forgetful, misses cues every now and then, and struggles to focus on a bad day or after trauma, then how am I not AuDHD?!!

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I was moved Reading This. Those other people You described are also the faces of autism. And so much of it is invisible, but that does not mean that we don’t struggle. We are intelligent enough to internalize our struggle in order to fit in and end up masking. The cost of masking is depression and anxiety. And I know this from experience. Not being able to be yourself causes so much depression, and it’s hard to put your finger on it like why am I so depressed, my life is good. It’s because we feel like we’re not allowed to be ourselves. Our “weird /nosey /excited and the other descriptions you mentioned” selves.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Is there a way to make your comment stick to the top of the comments section? I’d like others to read the way you described the other faces of autism. I’m new to doing KZbin this way, that’s why I’m asking 😅how to pin the comment to the top.

[@autismenlightenment]

Hari Bolo I just found your channel. Thank you for being here. I cant watch now because i forgot my earbuds and watching subtitles is making me carsick but i very much look forward to exploring your channel. I live in the us but i have visited india 3 times.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Hari bol! Did you spot my Kanthi? hehe. It's nice to read your comment. Thanks :)

[@autismenlightenment]

@@NeurodivergentMom yes, Tulasi Maharani ki Jaya! I am busy moving house right now but i look forward to watching your chanel when i am settled in the near future!

[@Silversubs29078]

I'm so happy to see another brown woman on the nuerodivergent spectrum. Lot's of love from Indian❤

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Yesss! There’s so much I want to say about how Indian culture is both neurodiversity friendly and highly masking at the same time. So many examples to share from the men and women from my own family. Just need to keep it private/anonymous 😅 which is my weak spot. Any tips you share will be included in future videos!

[@autismenlightenment]

​@@NeurodivergentMomi am american born in christian family but i joined iskcon in my early 20s. I learned i was autistic in my early 30s. Just turned 40 last month. I am very attracted to alot of the philosophy (we are not the body)and frustrated by other parts(obsession w gender roles) but simply put- i appreciated the regular schedules and prescribed ruteins, designated costumes, they gave me dialog w phrases that are repeated, etc. Beyond spiritual relationship w the Lord, it gave me a mask w a script and i avoided life outside of temple. When i first discovered my autism i was crushed by the thought that my religion was also my special interest. I wpuld love to hear about your experiences. I went to ayirvedic hospital in kuruksetra in 2017. There was a girl around 15 years old there at the same time. I could see she was autistic and that her parents were trying to "get her well". I disclosed to the head doctor that i was concerned that this girl had autism that was not being aknowledged. I was afraid they wanted to make her normal in order to marry her off. I still think about that young girl to this day.

[@maskros434]

❤

[@arezoozeynali391]

after watching few videos i just questioning myself am i autistic or not ? bc i have many similar symptoms i don't even know where can i start and get help

[@NeurodivergentMom]

The book UNMASKING AUTISM is the best place to start. If you don’t like reading, then just search KZbin for summaries of the book. This book explains a lot from start to finish and very user-friendly, easy language.

[@arezoozeynali391]

@@NeurodivergentMomthank you i will do that

[@IaneHowe]

I told a coworker i was getting assessed she said the same thing to me, and she's my age.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I’m impressed that your coworker shared so openly with you. It’s a good thing that there is open minded ness about this in your relationship with them.

[@Beardedblue]

Saying 'everyone is a little autistic' is like saying to a depressed person 'everyone is a bit sad sometimes.' It completely devalues their struggles.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I couldn't say it better. Thanks for this comparison. I didn't consider it like this before.

[@Eryniell]

it's kind of ironic how in the past I have heard "noooo you are not weird/special, you are just like everyone else" and somehow people thinking that would somehow soothe me by dismissing my feelings of feeling different/out of place and not really belonging anywhere and struggling socially?? and that was not even with an autism diagnosis ^^" so knowing there are people who get to hear the same stuff AFTER being diagnosed...makes me think it's probably the same thought/reasoning behind it, depending on intent, to either actively dismiss someone or because they think it's helping you feel less alienated (somehow, not that it really makes sense to me)

[@NeurodivergentMom]

"actively dismiss someone or because they think it's helping you feel less alienated" we do this to kids especially so much. Thank god for books like "How to talks so kids will listen" came out in the 70s because it finally urged parents to stop this. We do this to adults too and I have to catch myself to try and stop it.

[@isabellammusic]

I heard this from my own mother too and she's obviously Autistic. I don't have a filter when it comes to my family so I've told her " I think I got it from you " and I don't care what she thinks because she knows she experience the same things. She just thinks that she has struggled so much because she has trauma and that might be right but it's from being Autistic. I try to explain to people what it really means to be Autistic because I think it's really important to raise awareness about it. I'm self identified AuDHD and I talk about it on my own YT channel. I waisted so many years just trying to figure myself out and I had no one who could explain Neurodivergence to me, I really needed that but I was walking around feeling worthless and anxious most of the time. I think it's good to talk about it but you don't need to say # I think you're Autistic ", you can tell them about what you've learned and maybe they will understand.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

You said it perfectly. We don't need to tell them "I think you're autistic." Knowing it is a gift. But it only feels that way when you discover it for yourself and not get handed a diagnosis from a friend or family member. Just thinking about how I would feel if that happened to me. How is it with your mom now? I'm curious because the temperature between my mom and me has warmed up since I made this video.

[@isabellammusic]

@@NeurodivergentMom we haven’t spoken that much about it but I try to make her understand who I really am and I think she was too busy worrying about her own mental health when I was a child so she couldn’t see my struggles. I tried to talk to her about how I felt but she didn’t take it seriously. She needed to understand herself to be able to support me. I don’t know if she wants to listen to me because she gets so defensive and she always diminish my experiences because she had to endure her struggles. To her it’s normal to be mentally ill and she is not aware of her own identity. I try to help her but it’s very hard. Thank you for asking! It’s comforting.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

@@isabellammusic Thanks for sharing too! So many of the comments on my dad video were from people defending him... and now I see why. As parents we blame ourselves so much for any difficulty our kids experience. Keep sharing your music - can't wait to hear more of it. Maybe end each video with some? Just an idea or a request perhaps :)

[@isabellammusic]

@@NeurodivergentMom Thank you! I will consider sharing more of my music. I have many old songs. I want to make new music but I easily get in Hyperfocus, it’s a little bit scary. 😜

[@Beardedblue]

I left a message on the uk national autistic society forum about how unsupportive my parents are and was met with some unwelcome and surprising reactions. Have you any positive or negative experiences of autistic forums?

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Mixed feelings from Reddit autism communities. Overall it is supportive and positive. Sometimes you see a perspective you didn’t consider before. And sometimes you get told off for sharing something or interpreting someone’s comment in a certain way. I recommend trying it anonymously and in moderation and seeing how you feel.

[@Beardedblue]

Thankyou for your reply and understanding. I think I will leave the forums for a while. I love your channel though.

[@Lady_Tism]

While I, personally, think that self-diagnosis is valid as long as the person does their proper research, this is exactly why I got officially diagnosed. Because otherwise people would’ve been like “you’re not autisticccccc” and now when they say it I’m like “yea sure that level 2 diagnosis from a licensed psychologist is super duper fake 🙄” and now I can at least throw that back in their face and feel validated lmao

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Who needs a mic drop moment when you can just drop your level 2 diagnosis card, right?

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

The real problem is ignorance. It’s taken me years of daily research and study to get a firm understanding of what autism IS and how it impacts me and those around me. It’s incredibly complex. Autism is a profoundly different form of human consciousness than neurotypical consciousness. Our senses are completely different, and our brains process thoughts and feelings differently. This creates vast, unchangeable social differences that lead to our being isolated and bullied and threatened our entire lives. On and on it goes. I wish there was a simple way to explain why we struggle so much. The impossible aspects of life on the spectrum as “high functioning” autistic people - especially when we go undiagnosed. But alas… The biggest disappointment of my diagnosis was the false hope I experienced immediately afterwards. I thought “Finally! I have the answer!!!” …but as I shared it, I was almost universally met with dismissal, invalidation, and/or disbelief. The result is frustration and disappointment. Hopefully ignorance about autism will dissipate with time as people like us share our experiences. In the meantime, we need to protect and support ourselves as best we can by setting clear boundaries regarding what we need from others, and what we won’t tolerate. It’s a matter of survival.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

This has also been my experience from the adults my age "almost universally met with dismissal, invalidation, and/or disbelief." I agree with you. It's a matter of survival for us and the next generation of neurodivergent kids.

[@fumikoagogo4890]

thank you. although what with the current state of global violence my own ODing on me me me youtube videos about neurodivergence seems at the least, self-indulgent, there are some useful insights here. & i realize i am weird and it is NOT always comfortable, and I mask and perform "normativity" in public, but it's probably obvious that I am atypical. again, this seems trivial compared to the level of violence happening now... 🕊️

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Self improvement is not considered self indulgence. If more people spent time on that then the violence in the world would be less because they would stop and examine their own motives for engaging in violence first. That’s what I think… could be wrong. It’s my opinion.

[@mardasman428]

Honestly, a lot of people who say that "everyone is a little autistic sometimes" can be right, but not in the sense that people imagine! Those people who say that are much more likely to be autistic themselves because neurodivergence runs in families and they don't find autistic behaviors weird or different because they are like that as well. They see the following "We are similar, so if she is autistic, that would mean that I'm autistic, too." and then they can decide: 1. To accept that they might be autistic, too, or 2. be scared of the stigma and the stereotypes around "dangerous young boys" and think "I am not like that, so I can't be autistic, and she can't be either!"

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

6:20 Canned responses when you get the “Everyone is a little autistic” thing: “That’s everyone is a little blind and deaf - to Hellen Keller” “A little bit gay…” “A little quadriplegic” “A little bit left handed” “A little bit Chinese ” “A little bit dolphin 🐬 “ 😅 When someone says that, it’s code for “I don’t know anything whatsoever about autism, and I’m deeply uncomfortable about you telling me about your condition… lets pretend you didn’t say that and talk about the weather forecast instead”

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I literally laughed out loud when I read "a little bit dolphin" hahaha. I dig your sense of humour. :hugs: 🤗

[@trazeyjo974]

people are stupid- they cannot handle anyone different. i told my best friend i am autistic and mask 95% of the time. she made fun of me! called me oddistic and told me that autism isnt real its made up so people feel special. i can even begin to say how upset this made me- so disappointed in her so now i dont share anything with her.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

I'm sorry you got that reaction from her. It feels insensitive to me. I had a similar reaction from a friend who I had assumed would be much more open minded. Since I shared with her, she's ghosting me and not responding when I message her to arrange playdates with our kids. Too bad. She's the one who's missing out in opinion. And same with your friend.

[@johnrainsman6650]

Kind of like everyone is weird. Of course, we all know that philosophy isn't really true. With us autistics around, there _are_ weird and normal people.

[@NeurodivergentMom]

Exactly. Like another commenter said, the struggle is real for us. It affects our life and functioning in the world. And our relationship with ourselves.

[@johnrainsman6650]

@@NeurodivergentMomSo you confirm that neurotypicals are normal and autistics are weird? It's fact, not subjective?

[@NeurodivergentMom]

@@johnrainsman6650 oh… was your original question a trick question or play on words? Sorry I don’t understand. What I meant was that for neurodivergent people seemingly “normal” things can actually be hard or a struggle. I hope this clarifies.

[@johnrainsman6650]

@@NeurodivergentMom I suppose it was a trick question. Sometimes I question my own point of view. See, it really seems to me that normal applies to neurotypical and abnormal applies to autistics. But I don't want to deal with the wonder or the ambiguity. I want to know if it IS true. Factually, not subjectively. Is it?

[@johnrainsman6650]

@@NeurodivergentMom To ask directly, is it true that autistics are weird and different? I can't handle this ambiguity anymore. I just want to know the direct answer.

[@frillylily8005]

My grandma says the same thing to me. 🙄 It’s so dumb

[@NeurodivergentMom]

It’s a generational thing unfortunately.