Should you let your loved one with dementia who is in a nursing home visit their old home? 6 SIGNS

[@jojo1234a]

This information is like gold to me. This is by far the best information on dementia and being a caregiver for a loved one with dementia. This isn’t just cold facts like most of the rest of the internet, this is real feelings, real people, those things we all with to say out loud but somehow just can’t for whatever reason. I suddenly don’t feel so alone. Thank you.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Jojo, your words melt my heart. I appreciate your comment so much! You are definitely NOT alone. I hope my videos continue to help. Wishing you all the best!

[@WannabeBetter]

What a very nice thing to say Jojo!

[@melissaantone9207]

Thank you for this video. I'm gathering some of your content to send to my parents' friends who visit. I had to place both of my parents into Memory Care last week and I am the target of their anger (I would call it loathing at this point), so I'm staying away for a while until they settle. My dad has his phone and has been calling his friends to come get them. The heartache that comes from doing the right thing is enormous! Thank you so much for helping all of us not feel alone.

[@auntmaryspals7978]

I hope that things have gotten better for you. I can relate to your situation.

[@Bunnytwinkles51]

My mom is living in an assisted living memory care unit. When she would she would say that she wasn't staying and that she was going home, I would say something like: "That's great. When are you going?" Or: "Let's sit down and make plans for your move." Invaribly, mom would drop the conversation there. Until the next time, of course!

[@DementiaCareblazers]

What a wonderful way to handle the situation! Keep up the good work!

[@andrea859]

Might try that. Thanks ❤.

[@jos1062]

I so enjoy your help and tips for caring for loved ones. Please may I make a suggestion - I appreciate music but sometimes its hard to hear what you're saying bc the background music drowns you out. You're so kind and soft spoken and I've applied many of your tips to help my mom and myself adjust to this new life, I just don't want to miss anything.

[@susanhage512]

I found that just returning to an old home, ( which I now live in), is mentally distressing. Even though she and her second husband have been married almost 20 years, she gets very upset seeing the house she and my dad built. He's been dead for 23 years. She walked around touching walls and nitches she helped design. I showed her updated kitchen, which she liked, but other areas had too many memories and she cried all the way home.

[@sarahcrain8083]

Pretty good indications not to return a loved one back to their old home. The placement into a care facility was against their wishes. Your loved one has made you feel guilty. By constantly begging you to take them back home since their arrival to the care facility. Your loved one was demanding, manipulating, controlling and would not corporate in the home prior to placement. You find yourself somewhat on edge or nervous everytime you take your loved one on a outting from the care facility. Your loved one has a history of becoming physically violent when they get upset or do not get their way. The slightest possibility of doubt lingers in your mind. That a visit to home could result in a physical or emotional power struggle. Trust your instincts and don't do it. As care givers we know the reality that resulted in loved ones needing to be placed or having been placed into care facilities. What I find amazing about people with dementia is their ability to manipulate situations in the early to moderate stages of the disease. Sometimes even into the advanced progression of the disease, until they become bedridden or unable to communicate. I look at dementia as a prison that incarcerates our loved one's minds, a life sentence. In a stage twist of faith leaves us caregivers serving time with them. Until dementia or other disease commutes our loved one's life sentence and sets them free.

[@ggbouvier9897]

Well said, Sarah. I am going to read your post over and over!!😊

[@andrea859]

Wow! So accurate Sarah. My mother has been in the care home for about 5 weeks and constantly begs me to take her home. And yes, she is extremely manipulative and in recent years, my life has revolved around trying to keep her happy, safe, hydrated and somewhat calm. And I do not want to do it 24/7 any more.

[@Olamchesed]

I know if I would take my dad back home, he would not want to go back to the care place. It’s hard enough getting him there the first time.

[@TabRoss1st]

I'm having these same problems now. My mother misses her old home. She told me last night that she wants to go back there but now it's 500 miles away. Thank you for helping me understand how to deal with this.

[@haynessworldva]

I am going through this exact thing with my mother since the end of June when she had her 2nd stroke. After her first stroke a year ago I lived w/her for 2 months and she went thru at home rehab and was eventually well enough to live alone. Not this time! Everything Dr Natali shared re: signs NOT to take your loved one home my mom exhibits. I decided to hire a woman 3x a week to come be her “companion” at the memory care place. The day I brought her to meet my mom she told her that she didn’t know why I thought she deserved to be there and went on and on about how terrible I am 😮. Talk about UNCOMFORTABLE?! This lady will start tomorrow and I am going to share this video with her. Definitely a soul-wrenching position to be in for both mom and I.

[@ggbouvier9897]

Haynesworld, thanks for sharing. I am glad I am not the only one.

[@leifharmsen]

I was about to sell my parents' farm after moving them to a retirement care home in December 2019, then the pandemic struck and so in March I evacuated them to the farm where they are now isolating with me. Mom is half blind, half deaf, and has poor memory, and dad has dementia. I thought they'd be upset at the fact that things are mostly moved out or cleaned out - not so much, just when they need something like a pepper shaker and it isn't there. They don't seem to notice the missing art, books and furniture much. So lucky I guess. Neither of them had any of your 6 warning signs. They liked their 2 bedroom retirement care suite and their favourite things are there. I don't anticipate any trouble moving them back once it is safe to do so.

[@Catmoore60]

My sister and I have a somewhat similar situation. We were about to move my mom to a memory care facility when the pandemic hit. Since that was no longer safe, we adopted a summer and winter scheme to keep her safe while not overburdening either of us too much. In the winter, my mom lives with my sister, and I go over 3-4 days a week to take over her care in my sister’s home. This way, no one has to drive far on bad roads. Once the roads are no longer icy, we split my mom’s week in half. Midweek she lives at my sister’s and weekends I take her back to her farm. This gives my sister weekends free when her husband is off work. I spent time while my mom was at my sister’s clearing the farm house of old clothes, unused dishes, out dated paperwork, etc. Stuff she tended to fuss over. I hung cheerful art and placed some of her favorite things both at the farm and at her room at my sister’s. She has not even noticed things are missing, but noted that it was such a nice place to visit. She gets a little confused on transition days, but settles quickly back into the routine of each location. We’re trying to think outside the box. Wishing you all the best in keeping your folks safe, and sending supportive thoughts your way.

[@hilarywilliams880]

Incredibly helpful and the best much needed advice ever. Thank you.

[@tammyleelaboy9819]

Thanks a lot for the video. I have that situation with my mom. She is at a nursing home. I have think in the possibility of prepare a space, like an apartment in part of the house, in order to have some privacy now and then, and have a person with her. She wants me to be with her all the time, she can not feel alone for a moment. I am afraid to do so. She really is very demanding and presents all the signs.

[@annecounihan]

In the situation of person wanting to go home... I've found redirects successful. Such as "your home is currently having some repairs done" OR "during a recent storm, your roof was damaged and needs repair before you cab return" this redirect approach works with individuals with memory deficits. by Anne. retired RN specializing in memory care and now providing In Homr Care for folks in my community.

[@marialocasto995]

I needed to hear this exact situation I have. Thank you so much!

[@MsProfessorC]

Thank you. Just what I needed to hear. My loved one has only been in the care facility for 5 days and calls every few hours to go home.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

It sure does take some time. I hope that he starts to settle in at his new care facility.

[@MsProfessorC]

Thank you. The new meds have really helped.

[@tamsencataneda3278]

Unplug the landline!!!!Simple!!!

[@deborahdowling8748]

Thank you so much for this wonderful video in response to my question. Your verbal response was so helpful, but this video offered even more information that will help me remain strong. I appreciate all of the work that you do!

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Thank you Deborah! I hope all is going well for you and your mother! I'm glad you saw this video. It was certainly for you :)

[@sarahrushing3223]

My husband and I took his parents back to their home for one last visit and to sort through belongings before their house and belongings were going up for auction. My husband and I did not think it was a good idea but we were respecting my father-in-law’s desire to please his wife. It was the hardest part in her dementia journey so far. She got very confused during the long drive. While we started to go through belongings, her lack of reasoning and understanding of what their new home could hold caused great distress for her and us. She wanted to not leave anything behind. Near the end of the trip, my MIL developed a fever and infection and in the end she went from walking to never walking on her own. We don’t know if the trip brought on the illness but if we were to give advice to others, I would not suggest taking a dementia patient home.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience taking your mother in law back to her old home. Thank you for sharing your story so that it can help others. So often, we want to honor our loved ones with dementia wishes, but it may actually not be a good thing and can cause harm. That's what makes being a caregiver so hard. Doing what is best for your loved one, even when they want the exact opposite.

[@tarynmurphy9705]

Deborah Dowling I'm

[@korneliadelzer73]

Such good advice! It truly makes sense. The support group is also very important.

[@Tubostuyos]

Along with very loving, involved & caring parents I am the caregiver of a 55 year old woman with Down Syndrome, Dementa & blindness brought on by the dementia. She was a very high funtioning participant of our co-op. She was a master weaver among other activities. Where can I go for more info on the "trifecta of DS, Dementia & vision impairment"? Thank u for all ur amazing advise.

[@bron9674]

Sorry, I'm in another country... (silly answer?)... but maybe your local state or federal aged care professionals or google key words locally.

[@mircat28]

Tell them to discuss it with their doctor. Warn the dr ahead of time so they can tell the loved one they can no longer live alone. Dont shoulder the guilt hand it off to the doctor to say no. Or tell the loved one it might be done once they get better which of course they never will. You can also say that yelling at you is unacceptable and and as soon as they start that you will leave. Then do it. There is no law requiring you to sit there and be yelled at and vernally abused. So say I'll come back when you are calmer then go home or shopping or to a movie. Its fairly simple.

[@andrea859]

Thank you for sharing. I was yelled at 2 weeks ago and dreaded returning but she was okay the next visit.

[@dianebush1317]

Thank you for this video, this has help me with my decision . I enjoy your videos and it is nice to see I am not the only one going through this.

[@Luv-x8k]

Dr Natali thank you so much for all this great advice. It has been invaluable in confirming decisions I have made and helpful for future decision making.

[@oceanic16]

I take my mom home everyday from her nursing home for lunch and exercise. She feels she has no reason for being in a nursing home and I'm sometimes met with mild resistance to going back. Once I reasure her that I visit everyday she becomes content. I follow Dr. Dale Bredeson protocol and keep her low carb. It is making a world of difference in terms of improved mobility. Her memory has not improved yet, but there are signs of cognitive improvement. For example, having a greater concern over cleanliness and personal hygiene have improved. Been doing it for two months.

[@lynchapman1238]

Exactly this happened to me this afternoon. Thankyou for you valuable advice which I read at the right time.

[@BBBrightLight]

Great video. I am waiting for the next one.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

B B thank you! A new video is posted every Sunday. Let me know if you have any topics or questions you want me to answer, I’ll do my best to answer it in a video. :)

[@1sacoyle]

My dear friend who has lived in my house for the past 20 yrs. recently displayed alarming behavior where she was seeing people who weren't there and left the house to go home. I got her to come back into the house and she stayed awake the whole night (as did I ). I called her daughter (a nurse) and she came and got her the next day. My friend has been living at her daughter's house for 5 mo. now. I bring her back here a couple of times a week to help her take some of her things back to her daughter's. This makes her angry she doesn't want her stuff at her daughter's claiming it is being sold and the "other" people are stealing it. (not true). I believe that the daughters (3) should remove her stuff without their mother present so as not to stress her out.

[@jimlong527]

Thank you, we have this discussion currently our brother say yes we say no, this will help the family be at peace with the no answer.

[@dianes3252]

My LVDO says wants go home, "When are you taking me home? Mom can never 'go home'. How could I respond? H My mom needs time parameters, but doesn't recognize them. My new response is "about a year". She'll accept that finite answer, and I can redirect. (2 wks with ~ a work in progress). Mom is rapidly declining. In 12 mos. she'll have forgotten & will perseverate on a different issue. 🤞

[@rosalbasuchorski2535]

My husband insist in going back to the Bay Area, where he doesn’t have any friends or relatives,, but he lived for most of his life. He has ran away 3 times and the sheriff called me to pick him up. The last time he hitchhiked farther, but another city sheriff called me to pick him up. They told me I need to put him in a home, but I think I can still take care of him. How can I deal with this when it happens, most of the time he is confused, but relaxed….

[@L.J.H.-sg6eb]

It is hard to realize my Mom needs more care. I wish I could have nurses and NAs come to our apartment. I just want my Mom to be safe and I can't guarentee it if I am not with her. I tell her something or ask her something and she answers back. I wait 20 seconds and ask her again and she answers different. So frustrating. I want our relationship to continue to be good and I guess in order to do that she needs to be somewhere where she can get good care. She is very antisocial. I wonder if I will feel better or worse. I just don't know. You do give me hope and confidence that there are nurses and staff out there who care about people like my Mom who has 5th stage dementia and possible Parkinson's. Thank you for your videos.

[@heathermahon2281]

This was so helpful -- thank you

[@valerieannrumpf4151]

There may be something going on in the care facility itself that may be triggering your loved one to ask you to go back home. Always get to the bottom of what may be causing your loved one to act this way.

[@NadiaFranke]

Thanks for giving us such great help. The background music while you speak gets in the way. Just saying ⚘

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Thanks for the tip!

[@ericmartin7603]

@@DementiaCareblazers I wouldn't recommend eliminating the background music, just lowering the volume on it. Otherwise, your videos are awesome!

[@jeannecavelos1726]

I'm struggling with this and really appreciate your advice. My mom's dementia is only mild, though, so I can't sidetrack her onto another subject or give her a reason for delay that will satisfy her. Could use help on specific responses.

[@JohnSmith-px2cg]

Yet again loving advice. Thank you. I think of you as my fairy godmother!

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Wow, thank you!

[@kathrynbaisden1435]

This helped so much. Thank you.

[@JackCasablanca-painter]

This video doesn't seem to be about whether or not to go home as it is a bout leaving the care facility. Because a patient need not be in a care facility to want to go home. In fact in many cases, it's that they are in new house, but they prefer their old house because the old house is where they didn't have dementia. They're not conscious that's why they prefer the old house, but they know they were their true self there. I'd like to see a video on why we shouldn't take our LOs from our new house to visit our old house. For starters, the old house has new owners, so you can't just walk in.

[@corkey3000]

My mom has 6 out of 6 signs! She says she hates it there and it's boring there and keeps demanding to know when she can go home. She has been in memory care for 7 weeks.

[@andrea859]

Same here ❤.

[@CarolSteinfeld]

oops, there is a repeat in this video. But great info. I suspect my stepmother won't recognize home anymore

[@onthehill3381]

The fact that someone having advanced dementia and you can’t provide care for them is reason enough to keep them in the facility. This shouldn’t even be a question. There’s no win-win in this situation.

[@danielletripkoff4199]

If I had to put my mom in a assisted living facility or a nursing home, I would not make the mistake of taking her back to where she used to live. Not a good idea.

[@lalani888ARTblue]

That was my last care position . Her two daughters decided to bring their mom back home and hired me to provide support on a daily basis for 14 months until I was finally able to get her kids to understand the fact that they also required an overnight staff. Long story. I can honestly say how tough it is on siblings ~ It creates to much arguing, competition , stress, guilt etc. In short their drama completely added to the burn out I was feeling. Monkey in the middle . I could definitely feel my patience thinning with my client because I was so overwhelmed by the ongoing messaging, texts, requests for facetiming ...Micromanaging as well as ignoring my requests for needed items in support of their mom. Changes I felt needed to be made for her safety were ignored ~ It became a needless power struggle ~ I'm still off work from that job recovering . Their stuff burned me out completely. I came into work one day and they lied to me & told me that they had made other arrangements for their mother & that they were letting me go as well as the overnight staff. They kept the overnight staff for 24/7 care ~ Live in. I feel for her. Boundaries are 'very' important. Recognizing burn out is 'very' important. I loved my client their mother dearly ~ Not one of those kids has called since to be truthful . It's sad & debilitating ~ I wouldn't recommend bringing a parent home from a care facility or nursing home. We had many, many awesome days but near the end as I grew tired...They were finished with me. Never Again. Your Self Care...Matters 💌💔

[@brendsglisson4002]

Hi, my dad has dementia and is still living with my mother. They have lived in this home for 46 years. Every day he wants to go back home where we lived when I was a child. You can ride by the old home to let him see how it is not the same neighborhood and it is not long before he is asking to go home. Help, my mother is at her wit's end. It is the same everyday and she can't just ignore him because he has to have an answer.

[@kimturner9309]

It’s too much for anyone to expect an elderly woman to take care of her husband that suffers from dementia. This will kill her, and perhaps even before her husband passes. Is there a memory care facility close by that he can reside in and get the professional care he needs?❤️

[@mmichaels8369]

What if you want to try to bring your mother home? Is it ok to test it out and see if she is comfortable coming back home? How would you best suggest we go about that? We just needed to get her on right meds and she is calm now and stabilized

[@andrea859]

All 6 signs apply to my Mum, though I have taken her out a few times successfully.

[@rachelmunoz79]

Help! Help! I live in Lubbock, Texas I need to connect with other care blazers in my area. Please help! I am a dementia caregiver to 87 year old. Aunt fell broke her hip and wrist left side. She wants to come home, but I know I cannot care for her and she can no longer walk. She gets aggressive and also has sundowners. Please help! I need to connect with the other caregivers trailblazers in my area. Please help! Please help!

[@SoCalRegisteredNurse]

I have a question: I’m the one who moved my mom from California. She scored 3/30 on the slums test by a geropsych doc. We are moving her to memory care and was wondering if we decorate her room with memories of California would that make her homesickness worse or would it help her adjust?

[@DementiaCareblazers]

missnurseygurl every person is different and not one approach works for everyone. However, most of the Careblazers I know decorate their loved ones space to remind them of home. It’s seems to work better than a completely strange, new space with nothing around them that’s familiar.

[@user-sq7dx3rw7x]

Careblazers: dementia care he

[@Bunnytwinkles51]

We decorated my mom's room with several items from her home. It seemed to make her room feel familiar enough that she was at ease in her new surroundings.

[@dw3019]

missnurseygurl We decorated my mil's care facility room with things from her home. She told us, while pointing to a quilt on her wall (that has photos of her parents and grandparents on it that she made) that "I have one just like it at home". I never thought to tell her that I moved these items from her house and they are her same items. It never dawned on me.

[@Keys4healthcanada]

Could you please talk about what to do when an alzheimers patient im complex care wants to be with thier partner who lives farther away and can only see them twice a week on visitation. Each visit seems to just make her want to go home. I am the daughter of an Alzheimers patient.

[@marciaspiegel5280]

No home visits. Stay in current facility. Disregard nasty comments, etc. They cannot go home again.

[@treasure7060]

Doctor said you should nt i ll be back later or tomarrow

[@violatorsbeware4238]

How does one ensure a patient who is not used to wear/ elderly south Asian lady not used to wearing lingerie- and refuses to wear diapers or pads and removes them as soon as it’s on behind our backs. Any gadget to ensure they can’t remove it? I was considering a notchless waist belt facing the back that the stormy can’t reach. I have been suffering all the abuse and further hindered by the fact I am a male taking care of a 96 yr old.

[@MimaFX]

After seeing so many care facilities/nursing homes, I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to go back to a place like this. It's not about dementia or not, those places are horrible and depressing, why someone in their right/not so right mind would want to go back there? Would you?

[@jaynelove23]

If mom is settled and content in care facility and hasn’t mentioned going home, what about taking them to a daughter’s home for a few weeks of “vacation” and change of scenery? Have care partner with this question.

[@user-wt3bk9nl5x]

Annoying background music.

[@tamimoncrief2264]

Bonkers. Don't complain when your kids put you away and don't let you go home.

[@eve_339]

The music is competing & louder than your voice can’t understand you

[@tamsenroberts7201]

Are you kidding?? Once they.are locked in don't even think of even for a walk!! These are not your loved ones any more!? Try explaining to the cops why this person is going crazy it's not easy!! Leave it alone they are in these places to die not to get better and come home!!! Sorry but that's the truth think of yourself and don't even put your self through it!!!!!