Siblings separated in foster care - How foster parents can advocate and support sibling foster kids

One of the most damaging parts of the system is the separation of siblings.
“It is estimated that 53% to 80% of children with siblings are separated from one or more of their siblings while in care.“ (Source: Casey Programs)
There are many ways foster parents can advocate and support sibling connections. I showcase some ways in this video but please add this discussion in the comments below! ⬇️
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[@goblinguy3103]

This is why so many kids refuse to call cps. Imagine trying to get out an unsafe environment just to be ripped apart from your only family.

[@katielear6570]

I just finished rewatching the Jordan Turpin interview and thought the same thing. Although Jordan (and many similar kids) was living in a “house of horrors” she was afraid that cps would separate her and her 15 siblings (among other fears)

[@tabitas.2719]

Add to that the uncertainty of what family you could end up with ("What if they're worse?!")... 😢

[@leonatati]

I was literally talking to my brother about this a couple minutes ago. The options were stay until we were old enough to leave, or call and get separated.

[@ILuvAyeAye]

​@@katielear6570 😞 I don't know what the solution is. Because CPS would have absolutely separated 15 children, and I understand why. Some foster agencies have rules about how many children can share a bedroom which creates a hard limit based on the size of your home, but I think the even more practical limit is the size of your car, and how many children you can safely transport at a time. Not to mention, if some of those children need extra support to be safe, how can you keep them all safe. The only solution I can imagine to keep them all together is a big family with multiple adults who all own their own car, which would be tough to find. Or a facility that hires multiple staff to live there round the clock.

[@dalekbeifong]

Omg a dude watcher in the wild

[@sandydog426]

I’m a counselor currently working with a large sibling group, who are in foster care due to abuse in the home. Originally, they were ripped from each other and sent to different homes; I had to tell their social worker that I couldn’t really address the abuse trauma yet because the children being separated was so completely devastating to them that it took precedence. The kids had also been homeschooled their whole life to keep them isolated, so they were each others main social support and best friends. They had no social skills, friends, or relationships outside of each other, so being removed from that and thrown in with strangers was so deeply traumatic.

[@Carniv0re_Mama]

Just had to comment that homeschooling is not typically a form of isolation. My husband and I were homeschooled as were our 5 kids and the programs for homeschooling in our area are wonderful. We even have sports teams for volleyball and basketball and play other teams from towns in our area. Our HS kids even have formal dances, much like prom. People who never homeschooled or were around this environment think kids who do aren't socially successful. I think it's important to know that isn't the case for most homeschooled children. My kids had to pick from the options for activities, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get to all the events.

[@sandydog426]

@@Carniv0re_Mama I didn't say homeschooling is typically a form of isolation, I said that these parents homeschooled as a form of isolation.

[@Izzy-cp8yt]

​@jkmedia2583 While it's true that homeschooling can be done correctly, a 2014 study done on child abuse and torture found that, of the victims and survivors accounted for, 47% were removed from school to be homeschooled. The estimated number of homeschooled children in the USA is over a million. That's hundreds to thousands of children who were isolated through "homeschooling" and faced abuse. And that's just what was caught. Countless more fly entirely under the radar. There is no database keeping track of these children, and often no paperwork required to remove them from school, declare intent to homeschool, or prove you're doing it ethically and sufficiently. There are no restrictions on a child being removed from school to be homeschooled by a parent with an active abuse investigation being conducted. Homeschooling is one of the easiest was to isolate, abuse, and/or neglect a child, and it happens *far* more often than most homeschool parents want to admit. I'm glad if that's not your experience, but to say it is not common is entirely false.

[@cesbi]

In fact, that's why homeschooling is illegal in my country. I'm always a little torn on this issue because it can absolutely suck for families to be bound to a school schedule as strictly as you are in my country. Plus if I were to move to the US, I would probably resort to homeschooling my kids out of fear for school shootings. But as a whole, I get why it's the law in my country.

[@hannahk1306]

​@@cesbi I live in the UK and my brother was briefly homeschooled (twice). My parents had inspections and checks to see what they were teaching and if they were meeting my brother's needs (slightly ironic given that he'd been removed from school because they weren't meeting his needs). I think proper checks and regulations around homeschooling and other forms of education is what's needed. Unfortunately regular schooling isn't suitable for all children, but it should absolutely be about what's best for the child not about the parents' desires.

[@sherryab3964]

I’ve never been in foster care either. However, I’ve went to school with foster kids and I know they weren’t treated well. I remember when I was in 7th grade, I asked a boy in my class what he got for Christmas, he chuckled and said “nothing”. I thought he was joking at first but no. His foster Mom had other children and she actually had Christmas and bought gifts for her children while he had nothing and had to have a small meal in his room as she, her kids and family had Christmas dinner as a family. I got sick to my stomach. This was in the mid 80s. I told my mother and she was livid!!!!! She immediately drove me to the shopping mall and we picked up school supplies, some action figures, cars, anything else boys were into at that time. We then drove to the house with the items and she and I knocked on the door. She asked for the boy and we gave him the bag. DCF showed up at the same time as my Mom called them before and he was placed with another home right then and there. My mom knew everybody and it was a small town so it was known not to mess with my Mom haha. Turns out he had a cousin who was old enough to take care of him and she and her husband were actually in the process of wanting to foster since she grew up in the foster system and became a teacher. I lost contact with him after high school but I know he had Christmas every year after that. Just a disclaimer that this was a different time and place. My Mom actually didn’t 100% deal with this correctly as if DCF did not arrive that day, we would have potentially put the boy in danger with who knows what kind of retaliation from the foster family he would have received. So this luckily worked out. As a psychiatric nurse and therapist: the clear appropriate way to deal with this would be to contact DCF immediately and express concerns of neglect. I’m not sure what the current options are with follow up. I moved to Europe and here we can anonymously follow up with the online repost we filed and even contact police to ensure the safety of the child.

[@gardeninginthedesert]

I was reading this feeling scared as to what the consequences might have been for him but then thinking I'd have probably done exactly the same. I'm so glad it worked out for him.

[@OneWithTheUniverse55]

Everytime you put up a video like this, my tears fall uncontrollably. Crying doesn't mean I'm not healing, it just means how much I appreciate your tender care of the vulnerable children caught up in a system they have no control over. Thank you. ❤

[@ragnkja]

Crying can be an important part of healing. Did you know that emotional tears can literally flush out some of your stress hormones?

[@Dmimima]

So sad to think of siblings being ripped apart. I can’t imagine how worrisome and lonely that must be…

[@emilyadams9986]

I've heard of a program called SibLink, that facilitates visits for separated foster siblings.

[@tejaswoman]

How marvelous! Love this idea.

[@jaz_2008]

I love your content so much- it might sound stupid but your content has been my comfort channel through some extremely tough times. Keep making content, we all love you so much.❤

[@user-cg6mi8zh3p]

It's my comfort channel

[@All5AJz]

I am a grandmother who had all of the children in my care. Parents were active in tearing my home apart and still didn't stand up to care for them. Another girl was born after all the courts and now the father was released all charges dropped after he shot at the oldest who ran away at 16 almost 17 years and went back into their drug fuelled world to only be abandoned two hours away from me. It is the most damaging part of taking in my grandchildren was watching their parents work hard to separate them to show me they have control still. Cops are searching high and low for my 2 yr old right now. The father's on fentanyl and mom is on meth but system hands are tied by law for so much of it. Children have no rights but the parents do.

[@alexandragrace8164]

I am so devastated to hear your story. It is so wrong that any adult’s rights should come before the rights and needs of children! Your grandkids are so lucky to have you. I hope the system will cooperate better going forward.

[@MM-jf1me]

The US is the sole member of the UN that hasn't ratified the Convention on the Rights of the Child -- in a very real way our society still treats children more as parental property than as their own persons with their own rights. I am so sorry to hear the awful things your family has been going through. I hope your baby girl is safely returned to you soon; how are the other kids doing?

[@All5AJz]

@@MM-jf1me nail on the head. The police just found and arrested the father and my daughter who gave the baby to him still has more rights to abuse and neglect her over the baby being safe. Nail on head ....

[@All5AJz]

@@MM-jf1me the two littles are well my oldest graduated this last may and the 15 is angry but in therapy. The baby was located and I had no choice but to file report with the cyfd agency. So since the baby was handed back to the same situation cyfd is going to come tomorrow to see if I can take her in or if mom can fool them again.

[@MM-jf1me]

@@All5AJz Congratulations to both you and your oldest for their graduating this year! I'm glad to hear the littles are well and it's understandable that 15 is angry -- it's good that they're in therapy and that they've got your support. Actually, it's great that you've been able to give your grandchildren so much care and support! I hope your baby girl is well. Best wishes to you and yours.

[@bluestrangler0447]

I’ve never been in foster care and have had a pretty good home life but watching these videos is just really comforting. I feel so safe

[@tessasutherland9233]

Thank you! I just got sent a refferal for a sibling set of 6, but I only have room for two. This breaks my heart, but there are rules about how much space there is between beds and how many children can share a bedroom based on floor space in the room and based on children’s genders. I said I could take two of the school aged children, but I really hope they turn me down because they found a home to take all 6, or even two homes to take 3 & 3.

[@timeiswhat]

Gender?? Even if they’re related? Why would it matter if brothers and sisters stay in the same room if they’re young kids? To be clear - not blaming you for anything, but that rule sounds like it has really weird assumptions behind it.

[@tessasutherland9233]

@@timeiswhat In my state children under the age of 5 can share a room with the opposite gender. I’ve heard that CPS will sometimes make an exception for siblings older than that. I haven’t heard anything about this referral, so I hope they found a home for all 6. With the right ages and genders, my home can take 3 children max. This also has to do with how many available seats are in my car and complying with seatbelt laws. I would love to get a larger car in the future though.

[@kateherr2893]

@@timeiswhat abuse can sometimes come from siblings and in homes where that's the norm for them, that's what children learn to do. Same sex siblings can still abuse each other but there possible consequence of making another baby for the system to care for is out of the picture.

[@bonnieacurl]

I love how you present information - such great modeling! My brother and I were in foster care and then adopted together. 8 years later, those “parents” turned my brother back to the state. He died by suicide 15 years ago, and I miss him every day of my life.

[@monicagrabham9059]

I am so sorry for your loss of your brother. I can’t imagine the difficulties you have lived through. You deserve the very best.

[@er6730]

😢 That's so sad. Even in non traumatizing situations, it's always easier on them to leave the kids together. Even for the evening at grandparents, my kids did so much better when they stayed together vs separate, which I wanted to do because some people find it easier to deal with one kid at a time. No! Especially until the youngest one is around 4, it's best for everyone to stick together, or at least have one sib with the youngest. I think about my little sister and how protective I felt about her ... I'd be losing my mind in that situation. I didn't mind being away from my parents as long as my sister was with me. I don't know why this video makes me extra sad. Poor kids.

[@emilyb5557]

Another amazing video for information and also soothing many inner children i think. I love how you respect and validate the role they had looking after sister. Whsts thr friendship lamp you mentioned?? We have patients on our neuro rehab for really long time & something that could incr connection to loved ones would be good!

[@CM-fo2he]

They're lamps that light up the other lamp for example big sis touches her lamp little sis lamp would turn on showing her her big sister is thinking of her.

[@brooke_reiverrose2949]

This really hits in the feels. My grandfather was separated from his two brothers when his parents died and he didn’t see them for decades.

[@me4_prez]

Gosh I'm so lucky I wasnt seperated from my twin in foster care, he's my best friend and if anything happened to him I wouldve just broke down.

[@FrenkTheJoy]

I understand for bigger sibling sets having to separate them, because most people just don't have the room for many kids, but I never understand how when it's just 2 or 3 kids they end up separated, especially when they're similar ages. Cuz like, I know some foster homes basically don't take babies so if one of the siblings is a baby and the others are older, okay, makes sense to just get the older kids into that house that has room and then get the baby put somewhere. But when the kids are all around the same age and the home has room for them, I don't really understand separating them unless there's specifically a suspected case of sibling-on-sibling abuse. I also really don't understand why you wouldn't want to have your foster kid meet up with their sibling! Seems like that would be a nice break for the foster parent to be able to have your kid meeting up with their sibling in another home to play for an hour or two, even if you were also at the other foster parent's house at the time.

[@Jen_l_g]

In the mid 90s, I went to school with a girl who was in foster care for most of her life and she never got reunited with her biological family. I hope that she had a family just as wonderful as you are.❤❤

[@devchekhov7512]

Is there some national charter on the rights of a foster child? I don't know whether to scream or cry, so they cancel each other out into numbness

[@foster.parenting]

some states have sibling bill of rights - I wish it was everywhere :(

[@e.458]

If there are funds for this, one might consider buying a Tonie box for the little sibling and the big one can read their favourite book(s) on one (some) of the recordable Tonies.

[@eris263]

Another fantastic video, thank you for your insights.

[@pisces2569]

What do you do when it’s the opposite? Two siblings are out in the same home together but it becomes clear that they need to be separated because one is abusive towards the other?

[@randomshorts6862]

😢 CPS was constantly trying to separate me and my siblings because 1 was regular education and 2 of us were special needs but thankfully a law passed in the state that prevented all biological siblings must remain with one foster care or a foster mom and dad

[@ilikewalruswallet]

Can you make a video on what happens if a foster kid is diagnosed with a disorder (DID, autism, adhd, ect) while in a foster home?

[@lilbatz]

Good. Tear it up with the court system so sibs can see each other, unless there is a really good reason it shouldn't happen.

[@barbthebookworm]

What kind of digital frames have you tried? I am with big brothers big sisters of America and my little is 15. She doesn’t have a reliable phone all the time and I would like to be able to connect with her .

[@tabitas.2719]

💯❤️❣️

[@moo3oo3oo3]

why do they do this? Is it because they can't find a home that can accommodate both of them?

[@alexandragrace8164]

I don’t know the answer, but I have worked with foster kids where they have as many as ten siblings. Sometimes parents keep having children even after their elder kids are removed for abuse or drug exposure. It’s very sad because few families can manage to take in 5+ children! It’s as though these parents don’t care and aren’t responsible. They will keep having kids even though they are using drugs or unable to afford to feed themselves. So sad. 😢

[@MM-jf1me]

​@@alexandragrace8164This is going to sound awful, but in a situation like that are either parent offered more permanent birth control (such as a vasectomy or having their tubes tied) via medicaid? I'm against eugenics and I'm not suggesting that here, but are the parents actually wanting to have more kids or is biology just taking its course? If they did want the medical help, would this be something medicaid would cover, or perhaps WIC as part of maternal health?

[@cocolinabt]

@@MM-jf1me A LOT of them do that on purpose. My uncle has a foster kid, he was (then) the youngest of seven. All of them live in (long term)-foster care. Whenever a kid got taken away, the mother just popped out another one. She actually found that sort of funny... she liked having babies and doesn't care sh** about her older kids. Oh and about reasons to separate siblings - E. used to be with one older sibling, they got separated because his older brother has a very severe medical condition and the foster parents simply didn't have any energy left for another kid (absolutely understandable, E. is also special needs sadly). And the older ones are by set's of 2 because thats how many they were when taken away... the one's that came after never lived with their older siblings and are in different families.

[@MM-jf1me]

@@cocolinabt Very sad circumstance.

[@s.a.w5493]

​@cocolinabt one of my earliest friends was from a family that had adopted 9 kids. I found out later that they were almost all siblings or half siblings. Their mother would have a kid and just give them to the foster/ adoptive family. I don't know her circumstances and I'm glad she had a safe place to send them (together!), but in hindsight I wonder if she knew her options or had access to family planning care.

[@oceangiovanni8178]

Siblings should not be allowed to be separated. Where tf is the humanity in the system

[@gardeninginthedesert]

That would be ideal but I imagine there aren't always places who can take two, three or more children.

[@seasnailsplatoon762]

Thsre are many reasons it could happen, and one is a lack of resources. I am not a foster child, but I grew up in an abusive situation for most of my childhood. If we had been taken into foster care, we would have been separated simply because there are 6 of us. How many foster parents can take a sibling set of 6?

[@er6730]

​​@@seasnailsplatoon762I totally understand that. But you'd think they could at least keep them in pairs. Two isn't too many. During my childhood, there was a situation where a widow with 10 children died. And the kids went to various families in the community, because nobody could/would take ten extra children/teens. Even so, my friend's family suddenly had the two youngest boys, someone else had three teen girls, I think the oldest ended up living in someone's basement apartment for a year until he was "launched", etc. It was very obvious to everyone that even if they couldn't all live together, they still needed to keep in touch. I suppose an only child, or someone who grew up as if an only, might not realize how important a sibling relationship can be, and somehow policies seem always to be written by these isolated, "logical" people.

[@AyaBlue22]

At a children's birthday party this past weekend, I was speaking with someone I later learned was a foster parent. To say I was stunned by the atrocious and inappropriate things she was *LOUDLY* saying is a MASSIVE understatement. It was deeply shocking, but, also incredibly sad but, what could I have done? I *JUST* met her!!

[@Izzy-cp8yt]

Depending on how concerning what she was saying was, you should be able to contact your state and make an anonymous report to have her investigated, similar to how you would report suspected child abuse within their bio family home. She definitely put you I a sticky situation, but that doesn't mean you have to just let it slide.

[@AyaBlue22]

@@Izzy-cp8yt that's good advice, thank you, unfortunately, I'd never met her before and don't really even know how to find out whose parent she was.

[@Izzy-cp8yt]

@@AyaBlue22 might you be able to find out from the birthday child's parent? You wouldn't even necessarily need the child's name, just hers. Then when you call the state you can tell them you're calling about Janet Smith (aka foster parent), whom you met recently at a birthday party. She informed you that she was a foster parent to one of the children present, who's name you don't know, but she made a number of comments about the child that led you to believe the child may not be receiving appropriate or ethical treatment within the foster home. Give them as many examples as you can (and write them down if you remember anything verbatim, in case they ask for it at a later date). Whether she has one foster child or multiple, she's the one who made the concerning comments, so her name should be enough to at least put her on their radar.

[@petrahalbur476]

What justification can there possibly be for separating siblings?

[@melaniedejonge5234]

No available placements that can accommodate all of the siblings.

[@junbh2]

Sometimes it's for a more deliberate reason, like one sibling is abusive towards the other. But other times it's just because it's hard enough to find fosters homes with room and training for one - there isn't always a foster home that can take both. Especially if either of them has special needs that not all foster parents can handle, or if there are several siblings.

[@petrahalbur476]

@@junbh2 ok, I can understand that, even if it's horrifying

[@lilbatz]

Reason for separations Parentified older child who is having trouble letting go of "the job". Sibling on sibling abuse High physical/mental needs sibling that needs 24/7 1:1 care. Almost all these children get separated out because few homes can handle things like an electric wheel chair or specialized equipment. Or go into a therapeutic foster home for severe behavioral issues. Trouble find homes that will take mixed sibling sets with older teens. Teen boys are a hard sell. Homes only take kids of a certain age group. Huge sibling sets of 5 or more. Kids can come into care extremely traumatized, and may have a history of substance misuse. They will get separated out for special help. My social worker friend say mixed sibling sets with teen boys are a tough to place. 14 years old and above with a whiff of behavioral issues is almost always a nope. Homes will take the teen girls and the Littles, but pass on older brothers. Sibs should have access for visiting, unless it's unsafe to do so. It can seem like it isn't a priority for the system, though.

[@fbwsrd9910]

@@lilbatz How come people take teen girls over teen boys?

[@Holly-ws8qj]

They need to make it a requirement, that if someone wants to adopt or foster, they have to adopt or foster both siblings, rather then splitting them up.

[@seasnailsplatoon762]

Sometimes there are more than 2 siblings. Not everyone can accommodate 3, 4, or even more foster siblings at a time.

[@Holly-ws8qj]

@@seasnailsplatoon762 but a lot of times they’ve been through so much. If they came from an abusive home, they are all each other has. Especially older siblings who basically grew up as parents to their little siblings… and ppl wonder why so many foster kids go down bad paths…

[@violetsnotroses3640]

@@Holly-ws8qj I agree, and unfortunately it's not a matter of case workers and foster parents not wanting to keep sibling groups together, they often just can't find a foster home that can take all of them at once. There are a bunch of logistical rules, such as needing to have enough beds, and how children of different genders aren't allowed to share a room. And if there's a large age range among the children, it could be challenging to find foster parents who are approved to take both toddlers and teenagers, and currently have availability.

[@Albinojackrussel]

For adoption I 100% agree with you unless there's a very good reason (ie intersibling abuse). But the whole point of foster care is to be emergency coverage. And sometimes the option for foster care is split the kids up or don't house them at all. Ideally siblings are fostered together, but it's just not always feasible

[@Holly-ws8qj]

@@Albinojackrussel well, I get it if there’s four or more siblings. But if it’s like, two or three siblings, that’s all they have is each other if the parents don’t get any rights to the kids or don’t want them.

[@DogLover1718]

Don’t foster parents get asked how many they want to adopt bc if that’s true then its either one or the other foster parents fault for splitting them up

[@kaclama]

Foster parents are fostering, not adopting. The children aren't becoming theirs permanently. And yes, foster parents can say how many children they can take, but there are also many rules in place re: number of bedrooms and beds, whether children can share a room, etc. Not everyone can say yes to an entire sibling group because of those rules, even if they really want to.

[@tejaswoman]

Additionally, age ranges may factor in. In some areas, foster homes are approved for certain ages only, and if a foster home that is willing to take the older children isn't approved for the younger ones, or vice versa, taking the whole group may not be an option.