Sister Wives #55 - (Catfish #10) - Therapist Reacts

[@lisanoell]

Can we put a flag in Dr. Honda’s thoughts about the abuse of telling a spouse they are unattractive and come back to it in a few seasons?

[@helena5442]

My ex did that. Said my body looked old and asked me to cover it, I was 16 and he was 23. He also said his grandmother said I was beautiful as a child, not so much now. also told me i don’t have a beautiful face and that he would have never picked me if he saw me with my natural hair at our first meeting. Also jokingly asked a woman if she thought i was beautiful and she was like i don’t know she is wearing a scarf and made fun of my eyebrows with a female friend. Where does dr kirk speak of this

[@tracimcmurray5244]

@@helena5442 I'm glad he's an ex. You deserve better than that, Helena. Much luck to your beautiful self.

[@jenopolis9227]

7:42 The trauma to Meri was not being "threatened." The trauma was thinking she was going to be able to leave Kody for a wonderful new life and realizing she was not, when she was so in love with this new guy and already so rejected by Kody during divorce, etc. Nobody can help her heal or be really empathetic because she essentially wants comfort for not being able to leave the family.

[@angelabarton5146]

Wow. That’s exactly it. How do you heal from a situation with the same people who rejected you to begin with? And are continuing to reject you? And they expect her to stay and just deal with it. Her unhappiness and loneliness is her fault as far as they are concerned. Being surrounded by people who call you their family or friend, but act otherwise is worse than actually being alone.

[@-pinkbutterfly-6972]

Broken down perfectly. I’ve always had difficulty rooting for her, but I could never pin point exactly why. This is exactly the kind of sympathy Meri wants. 💯💯

[@jenniferboyle8070]

All without admitting she wanted out because she was “catfished”

[@desirae2637]

You hit the nail on the head! Well done.

[@soclose2her]

I always thought that catfishing was a convenient “out” for her emotional cheating

[@-pinkbutterfly-6972]

These two are pros at speaking in riddles. They never express themselves plainly. I’m not sure if they even understand each other. It’s like pulling teeth.

[@tiffanyweaver8945]

I can't wait for Dr Kirk to get to the later seasons. It was really eye opening when the newer episodes come out.

[@maylagesse]

Same. Rewatching from the start after seeing later seasons taints all of it. It’s very easy to see Dr Kirk’s view where he is right now

[@Schu0086]

@@maylagesse I started rewatching from where he was on the last video and there is just so much madness coming he isn’t prepared for. I think in retrospect a lot of people see Kody as being totally deceitful here. There is reason to believe that, although maybe at the time this was filmed he actually did feel this way, it’s impossible to know. I think Meri has been without the emotional support for so long that she’s begging for him to even pretend to put forth the most basic effort, lending a ladder when she needs help etc. But he won’t do even that and she has nothing to hold onto in the relationship.

[@sophie9658]

Looking forward to the whole picture and Kodys role becoming clearer with future episodes and seasons. He abandoned Meri and hurt her a lot resulting in all this. He’s twisting everything

[@secret_badass]

I definitely think that Meri was open to the catfish because she was already feeling abandoned by Kody. I also think that Meri has a lot of hurt and uncomfortable feelings because as first wife, traditionally, she is supposed to be in charge of the wives and sort of “vice president” of the family, after Kody. But, it seems like a combination of just the personalities of the wives and the fact that Meri wasn’t able to have more children ended with her getting pushed out of that spot. So, with her kid leaving home Meri is really feeling like she doesn’t have any place in the family, when as a young wife her expectation would have likely been that she would always be at the very center of the family given her first wife status

[@Whiskeyriver714]

Nooooooo Kody actually saw Janelle without Meri’s knowledge at first. Kody is a re writer of history

[@becky9103]

Yes. Kody and Janelle getting together was in spite of Meri, not because of Meri.

[@Coffee_Nebula]

Both Kody and Robin have a pattern of "forgetting" past words and actions that paint them as anything other than a victim.

[@lisanoell]

Dr. Honda, I interpret the ladder thing from Meri as Kody being so emotionally removed from Meri and so unsafe for her to be vulnerable like she used to that she can’t go to emotional vulnerable at all anymore, bc even something as basic and practical as the need for a ladder so she can do something potentially dangerous to fix something on her own is not compelling him to give her his attention.

[@jenopolis9227]

18:11 He can leave her life so easily, because he has the other wives (lives) to go to. Two years ago she told him to get out, in anger, and he never slept at her house even once after that... If that doesn't speak to him not caring enough to try, I don't know what would.

[@Carmendot2]

20:01 I think he definitely wanted out, but in recent episodes- he talked about how he cannot divorce the wives, he doesn’t have that right within their religion, but the wives can ask for a release

[@Carmendot2]

I’m not saying he didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s an interesting aspect to the situation. I can only imagine being married to 3-4 people and not being allowed to leave them- or what- you go to hell? Idk

[@jenopolis9227]

@@Carmendot2 Kody does say that, but it's not really true-- men CAN divorce women in their religion, but it makes the men look bad in their church because they are supposed to be the strong spiritual head. It was his ego that led him to try to make Meri (and to some extent Christine and Janelle) utterly miserable so she would leave HIM; technically he would still be a good leader. Like divorce as a game of chicken. 🤦

[@angelabarton5146]

5:58 it’s all these things. He’s punishing her for hurting him. And he’s expecting her to grovel at his feet while she’s saying she needs space. Meri is upset with him because she wasn’t getting what she needed from him BEFORE the catfish. Kody refuses to see his contribution to her feelings of loneliness.

[@Whiskeyriver714]

Like forcing Meri to legally divorce him, like melting down the ring she bought him for their wedding, and making a ring for Robyn’s daughter.

[@Mama_Bear524]

He never seems to fight for her. That’s the issue to me. He doesn’t care about Meri.

[@MamieBelle775]

Don’t forget Meri grew up in the AUB, so when this person turned out to be a catfish I think it threw her deeper into all of this being a punishment for thinking of straying.

[@3DPrinterMisfit]

I can’t wait for you to see the future episodes to give context to this time period. Kody was no longer coming to her house for a few years prior to this . He treated her like a cash bag and up and abandoned her like he did the other wives.

[@angelabarton5146]

18:14 that’s a bingo! Kody is “playing a game”

[@BexarPrepper]

He melted her wedding ring when Robin came into the picture he's a horrible person

[@deanna4851]

Meri was manipulated by the catfish & by Kody. She felt safer putting all blame on catfish & minimizing Kodys neglect. She continued to not admit to an emotional affair w/ catfish.

[@JoeTrain-h8e]

I think Cody manipulates the order of events. Likely, Meri felt all alone; asked for Cody's time, attention and assistance; got none; tried a thousand ways to comfort herself, calm down, take care of herself, solve problems on her own and rationalize and not be reactionary to Cody's neglect of her. ThEN she got irritated, annoyed at her wit's end told him to get out of her life. It was the way a kid acts towards an absentee parent who never shows up - realizes the parent is never gonna change - But Then Cody completely ignores his part in her frustration, and pulls out that one zinger that Meri said, "Get out of my life." like it's the heart of the problem; no it's not.

[@becky9103]

BINGO!

[@Spinsterwife]

Safe to Kody means covering up and excusing his bad behavior.

[@msmendes214]

These episodes make it very clear to me that there was some level of radicalization going on with Kody. He talks so differently now than he did in these episodes. Which is scary when you think how much that has been going on across America

[@WitchOracle]

Agreed! (Remembering him referencing the manosphere and a return to patriarchy in more recent episodes definitely lends insight in that direction)

[@lisanoell]

Yes, that is interesting and I’ve see evidence of this radicalization on social media, especially from men, and sadly even with some young adults in my family. It’s incredibly scary.

[@msmendes214]

@@lisanoell with Kody it was obvious because he had public social media accounts where it was evident the accounts he started following were shifting towards the extreme alt-right ones.

[@IWantToRideMyBike]

Didn’t really have a problem with Kody at this point in the show. He definitely either changes, or reveals more later

[@Schu0086]

@@IWantToRideMyBike it’s hard to know tbh, I think being on this show was extremely damaging to his mental health and it became more apparent as time goes on. So he might be worse now than then. But I also think they hid a lot until around this point in the show when the relationship issues couldn’t be hidden from the cameras anymore. Even things said in this same season indicate a huge amount of long-term strife in the relationship to where they could not even speak to each other, but they managed to play nice for the cameras anyway.

[@kimm6589]

He acts for the camera. We know that now, but assuming he's been doing that the whole time.

[@becky9103]

@@kimm6589 Oh, the act is easy.

[@Isgurle]

I think Kody at this stage was purposefully ridding himself of Meri, which lying and rejecting the idea that that is in fact what was happening. I think he knows what he's doing he's just unwilling to disclose that to the cameras.

[@tmtb80]

Ugh. He seems infuriating to me. Like a big child-worm-man.

[@theorizzinal]

Vulnerability is the answer to happiness ❤

[@hannahaguirre2972]

If the other people in your relationships are vulnerable too.

[@anamakesthings]

​@@hannahaguirre2972 of course it helps if people around you are also vulnerable, but even if they aren't, it's still preferable to be open about your needs/wants/fears. We can't wait for all the pieces to be perfectly set in place so we, in turn, do x y z 🖖

[@lisanoell]

I’m glad you highlighted this! I have found this to be true in my own life and found it really helpful to make it concrete when he said it!

[@charlize9341]

It's so interesting to see Meri, someone under the influence of a high control group, the AUB, and in high control relationships with Kody and a catfish. Thanks for this series.

[@chocolatecat198]

I think every reaction episode to Sister Wives has been so helpful and thought-provoking for me. But damn, this one really got me when Dr. Honda talked about the mental after-effects of being in a cult or abusive relationship. As an ex-cult member, this statement made me feel very seen and validated.

[@4kassis]

The real abuser is Kody ! And the love of his life is not Meri

[@nixwestlake9196]

I agree. He’s a classic psychopath

[@ajpage0]

Dr Honda, please have grace for yourself! We know SO much more about these people, from info ON and OFF the show. You’re only going off info from the show, and you’re still early days. Eventually, you’ll get why we feel the way we do (even if you don’t agree 100%), and you can address that then.

[@LaylaRazavi]

Dr. Honda is not realizing that Meri is in a weaker position here and neglected by Cody. Cody can climb into another woman’s bed anytime and unlike poly she is alone and gets deprived of intimacy. So when she tells him not to come around there has to be a wellspring of hurt and pain. What did Cody do that got her to that point? He seems to be looking at catfishing in a vacuum like this is any regular couple.

[@becky9103]

What if Kody said something to Meri such as, "I just don't care enough for you anymore to even cross a burning bridge to save you." Would she not then be almost expected to say "Just get out of my life then!" What if that was all Kody needed to hear ( in fact pushing for) to totally abandon Meri now that she was an empty nester? Would that mean that he could now have an extra night in Robyn's bed? Could her intense loneliness and feelings of abandonment have caused her to fall prey to a catfisher? Could you be putting the cart before the horse in assuming that the catfisher caused Meri to tell Kody to leave, rather than loss of interest in Meri caused Kody to abandon her, thus leaving her vulnerable to a catfisher?

[@feitme]

Thank you 🫶 Dr Honda is a sweetheart but its been weird to me watching this series with him. I dont expect him to hold Kody's feet over the fire while the ladies run freely into the night, but I've been put off by how he hasn't been holding Kody accountable for his part in how things have been playing out or at least exploring what Kody could be doing/not doing to contribute to all this. Especially earlier with Christine being too much.

[@becky9103]

@@feitme It is hard to watch, and even harder to not say too much. He is still so far from the season's where the real Kody begins to come out.

[@deanna4851]

I get the feeling Dr Honda is vaguely aware of SW fans dislike of Kody & Robyn and he feels the need to defend them. Even though the dislike didn’t really take hold until later when Kody started revealing more unappealing behaviors with wives other than Robyn & children other than Robyn’s

[@Itsnotthatdeep88]

Looking back on this, the whole catfish saga took up so many episodes. It could have been its own standalone series.

[@Beach_flower]

Here’s a perfect example of what you’re talking about around 12:30 - I was raised in a strict Pentecostal church that was very cult-like. I have long since deconstructed so many of these ideas- for at least the last 18 years!! I’ve been in therapy off and on all those years too. I really felt I’d done “all the work.” Well- the last couple years, I’ve really struggled with wanting to numb out with substances, food, or with binging TV shows or even shopping! I was like what the hell is going on with me? My amazing therapist helped me figure out that I was getting triggered every time I was happy- every time I was noticing that I have great kids or appreciating my husband. And it’s this long held deep down belief that because I left the church, I don’t deserve anything good!! God is going to punish me by taking my happiness away so I better not ever feel happy or content!! This BLEW MY MIND and made so much sense! I’ve been working on noticing when it happens, then stopping and telling myself the opposite- I AM worthy of good things. I deserve to feel the happiness that my family brings me!! It’s still a work in progress but I had no idea I was still holding onto those beliefs so tightly, so deep in my psyche!!! It’s truly a battle getting out of a high control religion!!

[@Schu0086]

For some backstory, apparently Kody and Janelle were actually meeting up prior to Meri’s knowledge and there may have been some feelings of resentment and jealousy from that. What they’ve said makes it seem like Meri was often all over Kody when they were first entering polygamy and was very controlling about the living space. They also all four lived in a trailer together for several years and on at least one occasion (but I believe more than once), Janelle also left Kody and took her children to live separately. These relationships are five balls of tangled yarn and there are wounds all along the way.

[@jenopolis9227]

Why didn't we see the reaction to the season 9 "Counseling Texas Style"?

[@WitchOracle]

@@jenopolis9227 some audience members asked him to skip ahead to get to the juicy stuff. He still watched/skimmed everything in between, but I think we have to assume he either didn't have much to say about it or figured it would be low priority for the audience. That's definitely an episode I'd like to see a reaction about, though!

[@beckyjones4043]

That would be a good one to see a reaction too! I wish he would have at least done a season recap as he watched

[@emilyrosewell308]

Kody is a jerk.

[@kimsdharma]

I cannot wait for Kirk to get caught up. I'd love a non-pop psych conceptualization of the grown ups present day.

[@ammc248]

It’s hard not to look back and see red flags in Kody’s behavior, but watching these videos it’s clear Kody takes a sharp turn for the worse in later seasons. I think you’re doing a great job, Dr. Honda. I think the shift starts post-catfish and escalates massively in the last three seasons.

[@Niloo1395]

Wow the bits about brainwashing feel so real to me. I grew up in a religious part of iran and attended school there until college. We were never religious and I went to college in the US and have been in the US for over 10 years but every once in a while I find little “wrong logics” I had picked up from the Iranian government/school. It’s super aggravating and can feel like their claws are still inside. I always wondered if anyone else has similar experiences.

[@abigailtrumbo178]

I grew up Fundamentalist Christian and was brainwashed and spiritually abused. It became so obvious that as an adult, I had “John Nash” type moments where I recognized I was actually dealing with insanity. I left the church I grew up in and after research took shahadah and became Muslim. It gave me freedom I didn’t even know existed, and to this day I struggle with the deeply ingrained Christian ideology that humans are bad for existing and being imperfect, vs the faith Islam requires of trusting God’s mercy no matter what.

[@tracimcmurray5244]

Been with this series since day one, as it aired. I've watched it multiple times. In watching it, i realized THIS dysfunctional dynamic is similar to the marriage i was in when this began airing. I have been divorced ten years now and I realized I realized I was watching this to fill the hole of dysfunction to which I was accustmed (as odd as that sounds). Now, I watch as a reminder of many red flags and to identify dangerous personality and behavior issues (should I decide to ever date again). It's an amazing display of dysfunction and toxicity.

[@Mama_Bear524]

17:55 why didn’t he fight for her? Why didn’t he ask her why? Listen to her?

[@testing1-2three]

Meri wanted Kody to chase her and he won’t. She won’t admit she feels abandoned by him.

[@dandychestnut3493]

Dr. Kirk, he was distant from meri for years before this happened. When he says “safe” he means comfortable. He’s not prepared to fix this relationship and he’s throwing “Nancy” into it as a 3rd wheel. He will tell meri until she fixes herself he can’t start to work on “them” it’s a long list of things he wants from her and he keeps moving the goalposts. You will see when you go further into the season. Also meri isn’t the “love of his life” she’s a number for him to get into the celestial kingdom

[@abigailtrumbo178]

What do they think happens to single Mormon men? Are they supposedly admitted to Heaven without having done the penultimate of marriage and breeding?

[@dandychestnut3493]

@ they aren’t Mormons they need 3+ wives to achieve the best heaven (their own planet) they believe really weird crap.

[@Whiskeyriver714]

She asked him to not come around for a bit. She was afraid of CF. Kody is, of course, lying

[@charlize9341]

I don't know the specifics on this reasoning. She thought the catfish might be a physical threat to Kody, or she thought that the catfish would blackmail her if she didn't push Kody away, or she was trying to hide her relationship with the catfish? What do we think the catfish's role is exactly?

[@Whiskeyriver714]

@ IMHO. Robyn orchestrated it all with her friend, Kendra. Robyn always wanted to be the legal wife (Kody wanted this too) I believe they were both in on it.

[@callista19w]

Where is heart is at, thank you for talking through a conversation on this.

[@Mellie_Honey_Bee]

I'm not trying to spoil it for you, but let's just say that Kody is very preoccupied with other relationships, and its not Meri; just look at their faces where you paused it to analyse towards the end... It says it all

[@theonlytaylorlovewell]

11:20 an example for me coming out of a high control religion was that I’m not straight. I had gotten married and just accepted my fate of being married to a man. Once I finally went to therapy, I realized I’m a lesbian 😅

[@kimm6589]

KODY HAS ALWAYS BEEN FULL OF SHIT. He lies and puts on an act for the camera.

[@deanna4851]

I think they all lied to keep the show going.

[@DangerMum242]

What I see is that Meri is the most entrenched in the religious trauma based passive aggressive personality issues. I actually started watching the show to understand my soon to be exes family dynamics a little better, because I grew up atheist and was blindsided by the "niceness" as a cudgel behavior.

[@DangerMum242]

No one in that family feels safe because all pain and anger is unspoken.

[@WitchOracle]

@@DangerMum242 wow "no one in the family feels safe because all pain and anger is unspoken" feels like it's about my family, I got shivers! That's a great point

[@Mama_Bear524]

@@WitchOracleomg yes! Haunting

[@SimpLee68]

Robyn set up the catfishing to set this all in motion. She is a master manipulator and it was proven she is within 1° of separation with the catfisher. It may have gone way further, as these things tend to do, but Robyn has her mitts in this. Kody quietly quit on Meri years before Robyn came on scene and after Robyn was around, he quietly quit on ALL the wives and "their" children. Period.

[@katyafan]

I don't think Doc reads these comments so as not to get spoilers, but for everyone else, we don't hate Kody because he's a man, or because he is in a position of power in this religion. We dislike him because of his actions, because we saw what he did to these women. We have years and years more then Dr. Kirk of seeing him and how he treats certain members of his family. I don't think he is a bad person, but he is a horrible husband and father to so, so many of his family members. It's not as obvious in the early and middle seasons, but it will be. We don't have to be psych professionals, we just have more information than someone who just started watching this.

[@MichelleCallahan]

I think it is interesting that in this video you're able to discuss the wive's different roles when entering the family but when you talk about their personalities, roles in the family and how they interact with Kody you perceive their roles very differently. Think about it through that lens maybe the next time you think about their roles. I'd be interested if that changed how it made you think about the way they wanted Kody to value them. Or.. revisit the ep you did with the sociologists?

[@dandychestnut3493]

Also meri has plenty of therapy. It’s not shown on screen but you will see as she grows into a confident and fair woman

[@desirae2637]

You are not sexist and you dont need to apologize. You give everyone the benefit of the doubt. You have compassion and empathy for people and you try to see all sides. You are dealin with people thay have seen the latest seasons and have really developed a disdain for this fella. You may develop that too, but in due time. Meri screwed up here. Now theres a reason why and we know it. But its our job to call out bad behavior when we see it and its there.

[@LaylaRazavi]

Anytime I feel Dr. Honda is biased I remember season 1 love is blind and he was the only one who defended Jessica

[@maddiefuller8859]

Please do a reaction of the Ultimatum!! I love your series on Love is Blind, honestly even more than just watching the on Netflix. Your insights are so interesting.

[@MichelleCallahan]

I think it is important for everyone to see through your eyes, and really see how we may have seen it at the time. I actually don't hate this version of Kody. I remember watching My 5 Wives and seeing this season and wondering what the husband from the other show may have said to Kody at this point. I know that I had different opinions than you about the other wives the entire time and I do see myself yelling at you through the screen but I'm interested to see what your reaction is to the upcoming seasons. I wish you didn't have a season number in your head. Whatever season number it is you have (I think you mentioned 13?) .. it is kind of a slow burn. I think you might want to get that season out of your head because it is likely going to be a let down. Just be here for the ride.

[@charlize9341]

I don't think this is a spoiler, but ITR just in case, I have a question about how we got here for people who remember these earlier seasons more than I do:

[@charlize9341]

How did we get to Meri telling Kody to "back off" and "get out of her life"? I picked up with this show again in more recent seasons and based on how the Browns tell the story of Meri and Kody now, I'm shocked that she was ever pushing Kody away. It seems it was a product only of the catfish's telling Meri that Kody was bad. Is there more to it? What is the story the show is giving us at this point about why Meri is pushing Kody away? We know from later info about the ring. Do we know about the divorce at this point? What was the story at this point about the divorce - solely that Meri was happy to have Kody adopt Robyn's kids? I'm just not familiar at all that there was a ever a point where Meri was pushing Kody away. Thank you!

[@WitchOracle]

@@charlize9341 at this point in the story we do know about the divorce and the show is still telling the narrative about the adoption. I think at this point in the show Meri has disclosed a little bit more about how hurt she was during the divorce (still not as much as she does later). In my memory, I remember her pulling away from Kody and the other wives pretty starkly after her kid went to college and she was dealing with being the only empty nester out of all of them. I don't know if that's the narrative the show tried to convey or just in my head, but I think that's the context I have for the lead up into asking Kody to be around less and being more vulnerable to the catfish scenario.

[@charlize9341]

@@WitchOracle Thank you!

[@angelrose6827]

These short episode ain’t gon work. We need more content. Xoxoxo

[@rrkyu4458]

Hi Dr. H, would love to see you play Bad Parenting ❤

[@helena5442]

Merry Christmas. Pls do the new season of the ultimatum and love is blind habibi🥺

[@mayahdoss7050]

You gotta stop being so generous in your assumptions about these people. Also, the catfish topic is beaten on for another 4 seasons so you can really just skip ahead. You're missing season 19!

[@emersonstar17]

please watch the new season of the ultimatum!!!!!!

[@LynnS-vy6if]

I dont think you understand the full dynamic here, probably should wait on the professional analysis. My kindest words.

[@lisanoell]

Dr. Honda, I interpret the ladder thing from Meri as Kody being so emotionally removed from Meri and so unsafe for her to be vulnerable like she used to that she can’t go to emotional vulnerable at all anymore, bc even something as basic and practical as the need for a ladder so she can do something potentially dangerous to fix something on her own is not compelling him to give her his attention.