WHEN PARENTS ABUSED YOU AS A CHILD (Caring for Elderly Parents who Abused you - Should you do it?)

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Deciding whether or not to provide care to an elderly parent who was abusive to you as a child is a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. This video will give you solid information on how you can make the best decision for you! How Confident are You as a Family Caregiver? Take the Quiz www.sofiaamirpoor.com/Home

[@GoldenSheenObsidan]

Idk... I don’t think they would want me to anyway. Of all the things of abuse as a child and as an adult, they’ve always been too full of hate against their own family members(children) growing up knowing them like the back of my hand. They’ve always treated me like sh*t & ruined my life as well as ruined my reputation and defamed my character among the community they turned toxic to misuse for their political power over others and don’t be surprised some people even love it because that’s the type of people they usually attract and I think they do know what they were and are always doing. How to tell, well, I don’t think it’s a good idea to even try it not wanting to even touch them, not even the grinch would, with a 10 foot pole. If they do ever try to do any future tense situations blaming me for not taking care of them for any reason, know that it’s their problem, their fault for putting others at stake over attacking their own family members they don’t care about, not others fault but theirs and definitely don’t take it out on me cause they still physically hit me even to this day. All the hate they give🌊

[@xlauriestarchildstudios7777]

I need to talk. My 87 yo mother and I just fought. Ultimately the end of the fight came down to this: No one is perfect. No thing is perfect. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to accidentally cause hurt. Hurt happens. All the time. It's okay. My love for you is not dependent on if you are perfect. You are lovable even if you are not perfect. She was AGHAST. IRRATE. FURIOUS. SHE TOLD ME I WAS A LIAR. OVER AND OVER. I kept telling her I loved her. She told me FUCK you fuck off You're a liar...get away from me or I will call the police! O M G. I went to my sister's room and prayed for my mom. She has born the burden of perfection for her entire life. The pain I felt for her was staggering. Perfection is a difficult taskmaster. She has suffered long. I pray for her freedom from her pain. All comments invited. I would sure appreciate support. She really wants to cling to perfection.

[@xtrm2009]

I don't care if I should do it. I WON'T and I don't care what anybody says. And I'm not surprised if sheeple are about to say I'm a bad person. Well, PARENTS who bring children into this world to suffer, are NOT "good" parents. Cut the bs of defending guilty parents, just because they are parents.

[@kalibhakta8640]

As a former caregiver to an abusive mother... if you can afford it, pay a professional to care for them. If you don't have the money, leave them to their own devices. If you take care of them, they will ramp up the abuse. The more you do for them, the more you try to help them, the more abusive they'll become. They want power and control and needing to be cared for takes that away from them. Hurting you gives them a sense of power over you and they'll do anything they can to get that "hit" that comes from causing you pain.

[@Godlywoman88]

I'd agree with this- hire some help. My parents are stubborn and not the type to want to go into nursing homes but they haven't set up long-tetm care for themselves, atleast from lasy ice known of them b/c I have cut them off. My dad used to always condition me to want to take care of him and ask me could he live with me. When I left, he was still able-bodied but already planning out where he could sleep when he visited, etc., which I haven't allowed. He would ask me directly could he live off me and I haven't really experienced much of life myself. I wouldn't want him in my home at all. Me and my state gad brief talks about hiring help for them, but I dint back to her anymore either.

[@nineteenfortyeight6762]

I think you're right about the ramping. About hiring someone, what if the parent refuses?

[@heartsonghealingspace]

​@@nineteenfortyeight6762Then, they have made their own choice.

[@KBone-bo3eo]

That is the exact situation I’m in. She didn’t prepare a thing for us, knowing we would step up and care for her. Blows my mind. Here I am hiding away from her searching for videos with any comfort or ideas. How to care for your abuser. Not an easy task at all.

[@zarass3818]

Wow you are so right

[@tabithascoot]

My parent was emotionally, physically and financially neglectful through our childhood and adulthood. They are now in care with a degenerative disease. Out of default and obligation, I have stepped up as a POA, my sibling has nothing to do with parent. I have set boundaries to protect my mental health, and meeting with palliative care team tomorrow. I am fed up of my life being on hold by having to be a carer,, providing support, making decisions in their best interests, for someone who never provided that to us. I just hope they pass soon. I just want a comfortable, dignified end. And I want my wishes of not being involved beyond what I decide respected and accepted. It's upsetting having other family tell me I should do more, or I am heartless for my boundaries.

[@bonnenaturel6688]

I thought I wrote this for a minute there. My parent has been controlling mean and argumentative all my life. When she needs help she runs to me. When she is feeling OK she hangs out with her narcissist friend. I have been helping her for 15 years now and it is affecting me in that I am actually yelling back at her. I don't want to but the insanity does not stop. She cannot go into a home because she takes care of feral cats who live in her yard. I cannot catch them and bring them to my house as I have my own cats. I did catch them and get them spayed but her neighbor has killed all her other cats. So I feel that I cannot put her in a home and have to do care in her home for her. It is so tedious that I am just burned out.

[@mrspms60]

I really don't want to help, but I feel like I should, like you, by default. I don't want to watch her living in squalor, unable to pay bills, not taking her meds. She may not like me, and I don't like her very much, but I don't want her struggling. And I know what would be a solution for both of us. Sell your damn house, pay off all your mortgages and other bills, move into assisted living, make a few friends and leave me alone.

[@wordswordswords8203]

@@mrspms60 I feel this way too. I've been attacked and misrepresented here as someone who chooses to care for her elderly mother who has nowhere else to go because my two deadbeat siblings won't do anything. It's bullshit to call it a choice when the choice is help her to survive or let her die in the street or a homeless shelter. Yeah, well excuse me for not throwing my parent out on the street. Doesn't mean it's my choice as much as the right and humane thing to do until something else can be worked out. I'm not saying this in response to you post but to other people on here who are attacking me. It's wild how completely clueless or cruel or both they are. I was abused by my parents, too. My siblings are just effin weak and lazy.

[@MarA-te5jc]

I was so relieved when my dad died to be honest. Shame he did not sooner. I feel like a terrible person feeling this way

[@luciamixon8119]

Apparently, you have your reasons. It is normal to feel bad even though relieved. Hopefully, it will lessen.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Having terrible feelings doesn't make you a terrible person! It makes you human. So sorry you went through whatever it was. Chin up dear, tomorrow is a new day. Take care of you!

[@sinceresong9907]

Brave of you to say how you feel. I'm sure you have your reasons. I wish you peace here after.

[@MarA-te5jc]

@@sinceresong9907 thank you , same to you peace ✌🏿

[@moonlightstargem1006]

You’re not a terrible person. I’m in the same boat. I’m more at peace when he’s gone ❤

[@dolphinliam888]

In going to be blunt. I was sexually abused. There is no excuse for that. I moved away and left my sisters to decide if they would do it.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Good for you for making the best decision for you! You should be at peace with that decision. You’ve been through a lot and my heart is with you.

[@blackweavesmatted6241]

You did the right thing.

[@cutelove99]

Try to live free

[@priscillaastudillo5067]

I say no need to help your attackers, they had it coming. I am not seeing mine ever again, not even in their casquet.

[@magdalenacardona9117]

Thank you for your comment 😢❤ you validating the extent of that kind of a abuse. That Marks your life forever 😢

[@xtrm2009]

Well said. A lot of sheeple enjoy labeling "bad people" to victims all because they won't care for those who harmed them. "Woe to those who call evil "good" and good "evil"..." Then again, I don't have children and I don't think I ever will, unfortunately. But I sure as hell would never hurt them.

[@zarass3818]

But is it legally possible to Leave them forever ? Mine are both abusive and controlling and bad people at core very negative and drammatic my MOTHER is only 70 she refuse to cook at Times clean they only watch tv all day and want me to clean for them. She is invalid but not 100% i dont want to be' w her anymore my father is alkholic he do for her now but when they will be' older ....what will happen they are so sik in head that j belive they get sik intentionally to get attention and be' lady. I hope legally i can go and my brother and sister dont care of them too and left me alone

[@janetwoods4042]

If you can leave it the professionals. Looking after a narcissist is difficult enough but an ageing narcissist is a whole different ball game! They only get worse with age don’t be fooled by this frail old person they won’t change and the only person they love is themselves. Don’t do it through guilt or that your hoping to get a closeness that you never had with them as a child you’ll be disappointed. You can still be in touch but put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

[@coreyanderson1457]

Absolutely.

[@wakingrose1956]

Omg the narcissist parents!! The mind games they play even at 86 yrs old leaves me exhausted and chisels away at what's left of any compassion I have towards them. My father was physically abusive even hitting me across my face for having to pick me up at 15 years old for being sick. My mother is who I'm most upset with who always glorified the men in my family. She faults the women even blamed me for it. Well if you wouldnt come back at him with your mouth he wouldnt have hit you. Blahs blahs blahs. Now they need me to care for them which I have. But I'm sober and have been for over 20 years and my brother continues to come to our house jacked up on crystal meth and my mother turns a blind eye even when I tell her it triggers me and I dont want to relapse that's why I cut ties with those I did drugs with. She gets mad at me , flips it on me , gives me the silent treatment, then says she should be allowed to see her son even when hes stolen checks from her, tried stealing my daughters xbox and caught him red handed going through my dads drawers, brought guns to the house, and doing drugs in our bathroom having found the residue on the counter. I'm tired of being the only one trying to provide a safe home for my family!!AND WHOS THERE TO TAKE CARE OF THEM???? ME!! Neither of my brothers contribute financially or physically in any way!! I'm not able to work outside the home because my dad has alzheimers and my mother constantly needs me for things being disabled. I'm exhausted, hurt, and angry to the point of resentment and hate!! I'm one step away from telling my family to f off and find me a trailer and a job. I can not remember one freaking moment in my life when I felt love real love from my parents. They only love what I do for them!!

[@dnk4559]

@@wakingrose1956 I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it would be best for you to step away and let the state take care of them.

[@wakingrose1956]

@@dnk4559 thank you. Yeah some hard decision will eventually have to be made. Not an easy road and should never be left for one sibling to carry the full load.

[@MummaMia5]

Omgosh thank you for your comment. I needed to hear that. I am in a horrible situation atm caring for my abusive parents and also my very ill daughter. 🙏❣️

[@teenoush7489]

My decision will be irreversible. Both of them will end up in a home, and I won't ever go there to see them. That will be my only source of closure for the years of gaslighting and emotional abuse that I have suffered.

[@xtrm2009]

Well said. A lot of sheeple enjoy labeling "bad people" to victims all because they won't care for those who harmed them. "Woe to those who call evil "good" and good "evil"..." Then again, I don't have children and I don't think I ever will, unfortunately. But I sure as hell would never hurt them.

[@GeorgiaUnity]

The insanity is that all the people who worshipped and praised my parent as a Saint for decades and demonized/dismissed me (based on the BS they were fed) have now headed for the hills. This person they sooooo cared for has been abandoned by them, and the supposedly-worthless adult child (me) they evidently feel is up to the task of handling everything completely alone.

[@anyviolet]

It speaks so highly of you that you are willing to take on this task. I can't imagine what you've been through. BUT -- always remember that YOU have determined what kind of person you are. That means you are a free and good person, no matter what others have done to you or said about you. It doesn't matter what your parent does or says now. It also doesn't matter what your feelings are telling you. You have won. Because you chose the actions of love, even perhaps against your feelings (which gives you even more credit). YOU WON. Keep doing the loving thing. God bless you!

[@bonnenaturel6688]

Yeah, ditto here. It is just more continued abuse.

[@bonnenaturel6688]

@@anyviolet Maybe, but this can go on for another 15 years...........of no life.

[@chrislim7976]

My sister and I were traumatized by our parents behavior and are trying to care for them now. Being old or frail doesn't mean the trauma is gone or doesn't continue.

[@Cheerleader644860]

So if it doesn't continue, why tf are y'all trying to take care of someone who MF abused y'all. I'm not cursing you out for it or anything like that because that's yalls choice.

[@Cheerleader644860]

Its just that I for one will effin NOT

[@chrislim7976]

@@Cheerleader644860 Because deep down my sister and I know we are a good family albeit a mess up one. I have friends that also share your thoughts but every family and person is different. When I say abuse I mean verbal, emotional abuse as well as physical violence.

[@Cheerleader644860]

@@chrislim7976 kk havva blessed day

[@chrislim7976]

@@Cheerleader644860 🙏

[@Dream_Dreamlit]

Be nice to your kids and respectful. You will need them more than they will need you 😂

[@williammaldonado3516]

As a child my parents were very abusive physically and emotionally... Time has passed by and now they call me to ask for forgiveness. Which I won't. In certain occasions they are in need of financial help. And I just flat out tell them that I can't help them. The hurt is just too much to even acknowledge them. I'll let my sister handle that burden... As for me I want nothing to do with them. And no I do not feel guilty.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

@william Maldonado I'm sorry you went through that as a child, no one deserves that I'm glad that you are protecting yourself.

[@ainsleydene]

I understand your side truly, but is it fair to your sister? Was she not subjected to the same abuse as you? How does she feel about taking on this burden?

[@sarahw7616]

​@@ainsleydene wow . Just. Wow. I think you might be serious. My god. The level of delusion one must have ...

[@FaithHope21]

That really sucks for your poor sister.

[@wordswordswords8203]

I agree up to the point about leaving it to your sister. I would try to work with her to help her be in this situation too. It doesn't mean you have to do anything directly for your parents but I know they devastation of being left with the caregiving and having siblings not lift a finger. You can't kick your elderly parent out on the street and so you at least need to find a place for them to live. Help your sister with that, be kind to her. This is a family situation, it's not just about you and your parents.

[@hienienguyen6766]

My dad is very verbal abusive. I don't want to take care of him. I rather have him figure that crap on his own. My sons father is psychopath. It didn't just come out of nowhere. Don't listen to ppl who say its your responsibility.

[@Melly16yr10]

Truth

[@cherylbethcartercarter4266]

I have PTSD from the severe beatings I took from my brother's mother. Whenever I am in her presence it takes weeks to stop having THOSE Nightmares. I am trying to assist my brother for caregiving to this aging mother. Normally he tells me just get over it already! I need a shrink to say to my brother NO ONE really gets over it. Nope not really. Nope.

[@C.Noble13]

40 years of counseling and I'm not recovered...

[@ArnoldZiffle-jw2mv]

I understand it never goes away for me either but I got the best revenge by cutting the toxic parents out of my life & I went on to have a great life in spite of the monsters who abused me. Now one of them is ill & dying & terrified. Maybe conscience.

[@MargaritaMagdalena]

Wouldn't your brother's mother be your mother too?

[@coreyanderson1457]

Especially when they're told that they just "should". It isn't real life.

[@priscillaastudillo5067]

@@MargaritaMagdalena not if they only share the same father...I understand this was her stepmother.

[@stellabenton199]

I could never subject myself to care for a elderly narcissist abusive parent the sad thing is she is “ still” verbally emotionally abusive towards me to this day !! Wow impossible she is in her seventies and I’m in my fifties and nothing has changed.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

I’m glad to hear that your protecting yourself!

[@grai]

they forget that you have known them for over 50 years since they were young people my mother was exactly the same 50 years ago when I was 12 - a narcissistic toxic bitch - as she is now at 89 but now she thinks her age gives her some kind of trump card of obligation for me to conveniently forget over 60 years of crap It doesn't *these people do not change*

[@cutelove99]

So many FAMILIES DESTROYED,, BACK IN THE DAY WASN'T BETTER, THEY WERE ABLE TO HIDE THINGS MORE

[@krissblisssoul]

My mother is living in my basement in her sixties and I'm in my 40s. I can't stand her.😢 she has mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically abused me since I was a child. She just tried to hit me earlier but she's getting too weak now. I have never and could never hit her back even if I Wanted to. I just can't but things will never change

[@bobbysgirl8365]

​@@krissblisssoulso sorry hugs

[@nikkimadison6892]

Well what keeps popping in my mind at age fifty is that when I was a tender 14 yr old vulnerable girl I sat on a black footlocker with all my earthly belongings in freezing cold weather at night waiting for my friend on my sidewalk to pick me up so I could sleep in his garage

[@MargaritaMagdalena]

That sounds brutal. Here's a hug Nikki 🤗🤗🤗

[@coreyanderson1457]

My Dad abused me then said I was crazy and then got two people to go to court against me. I ended up traumatised. Now, I am expected to " Step Up". Because apparently I have no right to even question the possibility that maybe it woyld be better for me and my daughter to NOT be the caregiver for my abusive step grandmother. I was homeless because of him, too. So I know how that feels, it hurts in a lonely way.

[@veronicabryant2646]

I don’t plan on going to own mothers funeral. Her neglect lead to unspeakable acts from other family members, mainly from her father and brothers. Even when I tried to take those abusers to court to get charged, she still supported the abusers and not me. She wanted to keep up the facade that she was a good mother when she wasn’t. She never protected me and so she died a long time ago.

[@helenebezencon8906]

Thank you ! Number 1 is enough to make my decision NOT to care for my abusive parent.

[@patbest7057]

I'm over 60 still PTSD from abuse since 1964 father still alive I took care of him part during covid and still mentally abused me and verbally that's until 2020 in his 90s I walked away my brother same personality as him I had brain tumour left me disabilities hardly ate through stress walked to finally put my health first he's fit healthy in 90s evil has no age

[@luciamixon8119]

So sorry. I came from a dysfunctional family. My Very sick dermentia 82 year old parent is still trying to call the shots. I sometimes think she didn't know any better because her life is ruined too. God only knows.

[@patbest7057]

Lucia thankyou for your comment regards Pat best australia

[@C.Noble13]

Thanks 💕 Abuse has destroyed so many of our lives.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Definitely something to consider seriously.

[@elhadjdiallo633]

Absolutely!!!! Narcs are demon and devils biblically speaking !!!!!! Stay away from toxic people !!!!!!!

[@alliecat4176]

Sofia, thank you so much for this video. It is very stressful to care for a parent who was abusive when I was growing up. I am the only child in my family willing to care for my parent. My siblings moved away to keep from caring for them.

[@theghosttiger1446]

What if the only other alternative is homelessness because she made you so depressed throughout your life you couldn't function like a normal person.

[@MA-un1mj]

We gotta deal with it by praying, counseling, putting a time limit on our efforts, & always being chapperoned on visits with the parent. This really reduces the tension of facing them.

[@arleneevans6342]

I'm with you ghost tiger. I'm seriously thinking of leaving and living in my vehicle until I figure something out......

[@priscillaastudillo5067]

Ditch her like a bad friend...

[@elhadjdiallo633]

Yes yes I have been abuse by family member in the USA that's what led me to ended up in the shelter !!!! I don't deserve that at all I deserve much better !!!!!! I know my worth and value!!!!!! Narcs have ruined millions of lives in this universe!!!! Stay away from toxic , delusional and malicious people they have problem for every solution !!!!! I really do need help I have been experiencing cptsd , trauma , anxiety , dread , insomnia , brain fog , nightmare , stress and depression as well!!!!!

[@TheINFJChannel]

Just curious. It's been a year since your comment. How's your mom's tent treating her? #karma

[@janetsavona7590]

I would suggest not to Because its only going to have that parent ruin your life more You have to remember Its a tremendous sacrifice I was told constantly that I wasn't wanted If the parent declines at 70 75 You may be looking at 20 years of caretaking if they live into their 90 s My decisions in life are between me and God Not me and other people to judge

[@asmarina1]

Although your advice is appreciated, it’s not easy to have a “backup plan”, when there are no options. Of course you could let them be homeless with no one to care for them but it’s hard to do for some of us, and we don’t consider that as an option.

[@grai]

this is so true - you are trapped until they die which is something no-one deserves it just feels like there are no real solutions unless you are a multi-millionaire and can throw endless money paying other people to do it

[@dnk4559]

The state has programs to care for these people. It won’t be a posh facility at all but they won’t be on the streets. A case worker can be assigned to handle their care arrangements.

[@grai]

@@dnk4559 the trouble is these places are usually hell holes you wouldn't put a dog in let alone an elderly person In the UK we have had years of various documentaries showing footage of cruelty and neglect in British state run elderly facilities but nothing ever changes

[@dnk4559]

@@grai it’s a sad situation for sure. I doubt it’s much better in the states. Sadly my Narc Dad caused my siblings and I to experience every type of abuse a child can experience and he has not changed his behavior. I tried so hard to keep showing up but I can no longer do it after his last verbal tirade. As the oldest I was his punching bag and when he behaves in a similar fashion today it triggers everything in me especially when he does not do this to other family members. He manages to save it for me. I’m done with this. The rest of the better treated family members can care for him.

[@grai]

@@dnk4559 maybe you just needed to get to a situation that the decision was made for you to step back because you have absolutely nothing left to give even if you wanted to and you dont want to exhaustion can have its advantages - it means you HAVE to stop

[@thesmore7187]

Those kind of elders deserve jail

[@ArnoldZiffle-jw2mv]

My mother is ill & dying but Covid wouldn’t allow me to see her even if I wanted to. She’d be in jail, her & my father by the laws & visibility to abuse these days. They left me scarred physically & mentally but my revenge is a great life & no contact with them at all. To all others who suffer I advise go out & live a grand life in spite of your tormentors & ignore them no matter what others say. We are more amazing than most people because of our survival.

[@ArnoldZiffle-jw2mv]

@@satchrules101 👍

[@catherinebirch2399]

They'd probably get better care in prison than in one of those dreadful state run care homes.

[@zarass3818]

They are elder they suppose to be' more intelligent than younger but they not

[@pharoahOfAmerica]

So, your advice is: Even though you had a parent who made your childhood a living hell, you should pay the $80k a year for assisted care until you are bankrupt. That way, they get to destroy your life from cradle to grave. After all, you could always move to San Francisco & sleep on a sidewalk.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Hi PharoahOfAmerica! I would definitely not say that! No way, no how! Just saying try to let someone else provide the care instead of you, let them pay for it! do what you can to take care of yourself, because you are the only one who can!

[@melissamorris8046]

I know my childhood was all about my mom's problems. Verbal abuse, physical abuse and neglect and now she is worried about whether or not I am going wipe her butt because she doesn't want to go to a nursing home. This way she get her digs in my entire life.

[@dragonfly1414]

Elderly reach certain age you can apply for care and pay by the state.

[@TammyMayCormier]

Where I live we have what is called a Public Trustee office. They employ accountants, lawyers and social workers who are entrusted to make the personal care and financial decisions for those who are unable to for themselves and have no family willing or able to do so. It doesn't cost the family anything as they will liquidate the assets of the estate to pay for the care if necessary. If there are no assets they will utilize money that is allotted through government programs. Depending where you live, this service might not be available but it would be worth looking into if you are concerned about the impact caring for an aging abusive parent will have on your life.

[@priscillaastudillo5067]

@@melissamorris8046 let her suffer...sounds like she deserves it...she made her choices and decided her fate...let her "enjoy" aging...

[@sueshe8986]

Thank you this was very clear and easy to follow. Oddly it is comforting to realize it does not matter what ethnic or cultural background you are from, abusive parents are produced everywhere.

[@polarpalmwv4427]

Denial of any abuse ever having happened...that is why I have cut my abuser (elderly mother) off. Several months ago during a conversation about trauma, I confronted her with something that she FREQUENTLY screamed at me at the dinner table during my ENTIRE youth (birth to college). She would SCREAM at me if 1) I wasn't hungry enough to finish all of the food on my plate, 2) I 'appeared less than excited' to eat what was put before me (such as by cutting off every last piece of fat from the pork chop before eating it), or 3) I just didn't like the food (such as canned peas, frequently served, but which would make me GAG due to the texture and smell). Literally she would stand up over the table, face red, eyes and veins bulging out, spittle flying out of her mouth as she would SCREAM, and I quote her here, "YOU THINK THIS FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT? SOMEDAY YOU'LL EAT SHIT AND THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHAT SHIT TASTES LIKE. I AM SETTING THE TIMER FOR 5 MINUTES AND IF THOSE (INSERT...PEAS...MEAT...WHATEVER) AREN'T GONE, YOU WILL GO TO BED AND WON'T BE ALLOWED OUT FOR THE NIGHT...AND THERE WILL BE NO DESSERT." When I confronted her with this memory of mine, SHE FLAT OUT DENIED IT, SAYING, "I would NEVER say something so CRUEL." And that is why I had to cut my mother out of my life. Not because of her denial of the above BUT SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE DENIES THAT ANY ABUSE HAPPENED AT ALL. (The above example is just one thing. Mom grew up with her own EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE mother and, I believe, has extreme trauma (C-PTSD that probably developed into BPD).)

[@cherylbethcartercarter4266]

The part where you said help from afar, was a way to look at it. Some people on this planet earth are better LOVED FROM AFAR.

[@priscillaastudillo5067]

Or not loved at all...why would monsters be loved...evil people do exist and we knew evil in childhood

[@mikel917]

Thanks so much for this video. My abusive mother has not changed and she's 83. Needing more and more help. I keep looking for that nurturing and affection that I never got even though I really know it's never coming. Wow. What a long story. She's so manipulative, and cruel. I love my mother but...my goodness. And, aunts and uncles and cousins who weren't standing there in the late 60's through the 70's when I was whipped with wire coat hangers, kicked, screamed and screamed at, talked down to, those distant relatives want to tell me what to do now. Wow. Just. Wow. Its becoming more and more unbearable.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Mike, I’m so sorry that you went through that horror, and continue to be abused. You don’t deserve that at all! Don’t listen to those family members telling you what to do, only you can say what’s right. You have options, as you know from watching this video, and I really hope you consider some of them. Please protect your heart and take care of yourself like only you can. Sending you good vibes to help you get through this chapter of life, the next chapter will have a whole new theme!!

[@mikel917]

Thanks so much! I can remember acting out on my teddy bear, and feeling so angry and confused and guilty for being mean to my teddy bear. I had an aunt tell me to just get over it. I think it's equivalent to losing a loved one. Because it truly is the death of the ideal parent/ child relationship. Again, thanks so much.

[@TammyMayCormier]

I can relate. It is like being revictimized isn't it? My advice is go no contact or very low contact with those family members who refuse to understand your perspective. I had to do this as mine were trying to get me to rescue my abuser mother and enabler father from a situation they created themselves after 45 years of enabling my brother to become the drug dealer/abuser he is, living in their home and mistreating them. At first I was sucked in by the opinions of others in the family but quickly was reminded of why I am not involved in the toxic family dynamic that is my origin. My dear mother flew into a rage and told me I was jealous and that they want him there living in their home. My most recent involvement was when an Adult Protection worker contacted me to tell me Mommy Dearest was in the hospital and would not be returning home. I said I am not involved but I wish them well. You need to protect yourself and your inner child like none of these people bothered to when you were a vulnerable boy needing help. You owe nothing to anyone, not even an explanation. If you have the means, I recommend going to speak with an impartial therapist to help work through these emotions and past trauma. It really helps.

[@mikel917]

@@TammyMayCormier Thanks so much! I've been in counselling most of my life. My mother tried to get me 'fixed' at age 13 by dumping me with counsellors and splitting to do what she wanted to do. Hiking has helped me more than anything, and advice from counsellors. The pursuit of personal wellness has to be at the forefront for me though, so that is good advice. I have left stressful family gatherings and gone hiking and it actually works, it helps a person regain some lost emotional energy.

[@TammyMayCormier]

@@mikel917 never good when someone uses therapy as a weapon :( hopefully some of the counselors saw through it. So happy to hear you have found coping strategies that work! I wish you well!

[@elizabethandiosa4579]

My very aged mother was abusive for decades and still is. My brother took over family finances. Thank God in some ways. My mom was still able to lie about my brother, turn us against each other and be consistently horrible. At first I was sucked in and considered having her in my home part time. The abuse stopped that thought. She's in care too. I have found for my own mental health and well-being, that I must stop all phone contact and visitation for at least six months to even begin to heal from her cruelties. With time away and keeping my boundaries intact, I realize more and more how truly cruel demented and horrific her and her relatives are. At first I felt guilty and then like a bad person and then just bad after putting things into reality. Now feel healthier and glad to keep away. I might visit further on down the road but it will be a spiritual brief visit. I am seeing a layer and my own advocate after all the gaslighting, smears and theft. No deathbed crap.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

@Elizabethan Diosa I'm so glad that you are placing yourself first! You sound much happier. There is no one right way to do this, other than the way that is right for you!

[@dnk4559]

I am in the same process with my Dad.

[@elizabethandiosa4579]

@@dnk4559 update. I did end up phoning my mom. I am glad I did. I kept the conversation short and pleasant. It was positive and we did tell each other we love each other. I am glad I took some time to myself to heal. It made it easier to recover and helped improve my health. My mother was quite aged and was very mentally cruel to me and had others support her abuse because they're abusive too. Mom recently died. She was not well mentally and mentally sick with other sick minded people around her. It's impossible to have a normal relationship with these types of people. The best thing is to look after yourself first . Go low contact or no contact and gray rock. Research flying monkeys , gaslighting, how to deal either smear campaigns, grayrock method, and spiritual protection. Look after your own mental and physical health first. Follow your dreams. Look after your financial health too. Don't count on the control freaks toxic garbage. They will try to rob you blind and worse. The abuse will only escalate. So keep safe and healthy. These toxic people will destroy your health and life. Call block. Unfriendly. Go no contact were possible. Blessings.

[@dnk4559]

@@elizabethandiosa4579 thank you so much! I am in the process of doing many of these things and I so appreciate your encouragement. This situation is not one that can be easily explained and at times I feel so isolated because I don’t know many that have experienced this. I do understand thought that I have been the scapegoat and family punching bag for way too long. Thankfully a very wise therapist (two different friends recommended her) is helping me with the process. I agree with you, that it’s not just the parent that is the problem it’s the other family members who refuse to see what’s going on and instead project on and blame others. I pray for my siblings that someday they will get help for all the trauma we all endured but just because I was forced to be a parent figure to them does not mean it’s my job to fix them. I can no longer stand around and take the abusive behavior hoping that someday they might see they need help. They instead appear to be repeating the patterns of dysfunctional behavior. Such a sad situation.

[@elizabethandiosa4579]

@@dnk4559 at least you are stopping the cycle of abuse and its so much better. It's impossible to reason either unreasonable people. It's also unreasonable expecting truth and kindness from dishonest cruel people especially relatives. I dreaded going to my moms funeral because of the abusers. My brother is actually being decent for now. However, true to form, the cousins had to worm their way in and make abusive disrespectful remarks as soon as my support people left my side for a few steps. Thank God I changed my number and dumped them several years ago and had a couple good solid people with me. The jerk was put in her place and we are so thankful we're not like them. I have regained my self worth, self validation and it feels good. You will too. Watch narcissistic chronicles on KZbin. You may not like everything you hear, but he talks about about how these jerseys operate and how they send third unknown to you parties to you to spy on and sabotage you, the victim. Just know that this abuse is happening to or has happened to millions of people. There's lots of very supportive content on KZbin. So you are definitely not alone. These arshole manipulators ruin so many lives. Keep safe. Do what gives you joy. Many blessings.

[@coreyanderson1457]

Thank you for making this video. I almost had a break down recently trying to figure out how I was going to say NO. I HAVE to.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

You are so welcome! Please take care of yourself Corey.

[@serenity8876]

My parents were both very abusive to me. Verbally, physically and also neglectful. I looked after them for over ten years. I was destroyed. I was 32 at the time and I've never gotten my life back on track since then and this was twenty years ago.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

I'm sorry you went through that Serenity. I hope you are finding the support you need at this point of your life. It's not too late. You have exactly one, and only one life. It's not too late to make the rest of this one a good one, starting today, starting now. Don't let them continue to control you, enough of that! Decide. Sending you love and hugs!

[@serenity8876]

@@SofiaAmirpoor Thank you so much Sofia xx

[@mariethompson49]

I feel like I am going to be the same way after caring for my abusive mom. At 83 she hasn’t changed a bit

[@tracyk3567]

I’m so sorry for all of your loss. 😢❤️

[@NYCSouthernGirl1]

My narcissist mother is aging and taking in denial about her health and financial situation. She spent her life spending way above her means while degrading everyone else about what we didn't have compared to her. Now she's managed to piss off my daughter, the only one willing to be there with her and doesn't have any other options. Moving in to help her is out of the question for me or my sister. And I feel some kind of way about even providing financial support for someone who made my life hell. It's so unfair 😞

[@wordswordswords8203]

This is so good. I am currently caring for my mom in my house and that isn't working out for a variety of reasons and from a distance providing some care to my father in another state. For him I'm doing financial stuff, communicating with doctors, his primary caregiver there, etc. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive, my mom let it all happen and didn't protect me. I will tell you from experience, caregiving in the best of circumstances is very very hard and add in the element of past abuse and like Sophia says you are putting yourself at high, high risk. Don't do it! I wouldn't even give it a trial run unless it involves caring from a safe distance. Most people don't change so this elderly parent is probably still the same abusive person they always were although now that you aren't a child you can physically defend yourself. Don't destroy yourself with caregiving for your parents. I think it might be too late for me but don't try to be the "good kid" and do what you think is "right". Do what is right for you. It's hard though finding a facility and all of that. That's another video I guess. Thank you Sophia. Your channel is a lifesaver.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Thank you so much for saying so! I’m so glad that you have protected yourself and have done what works for you. There’s no one right answer that fits everyone. Take care😊

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

This comment I agree with yes

[@MI-rr1dr]

Thank you so much for this video.no one speaks of the guilt inflicted and the deep emotional wound that doesnt end with the continuous verbal abuse even when the abuser is old and frail..

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Marcella, I'm glad this video touched you somehow. Please take care of yourself like only you can do.

[@deboraslay9494]

That part 😭

[@natashaj9169]

Great video I am NC.... and not going to waste anymore time getting abused! But I am feeling very guilty.

[@crystaladdis7226]

I go through guilt now and then too. I'm also NC.

[@HJ-pm2dx]

After a year of daily caregiving (both my siblings died young) my mother became too sick with Parkinson's and non Parkinson's dementia to keep her at home. I felt like a total failure, especially because the only reason I came home was to care for as her health failed (and I was hoping to find closure for all the abuse she put me through) Short story, I never did get that closure, but I was able to build a completely different relationship with her. When her needs surpassed what I could provide, I put her into memory care. This entire thing cost me my marriage, my career and a good bit of self-respect. Though she's still alive, I have no hope of ever getting the closure I so hoped for, so I'm trying to find it without her. I never had children because of her, I didn't trust myself to do right by them-even if I never let her near them. I know the patterns of abuse, and really have worked to learn better, and I never wanted to hurt anyone, so I just made it as impossible as I could. She barely knows who I am now. And most the time I go to visit, she's a totally different person. It is so hard to see my abuser finally be kind and gentle. If she had it in her, why did it take this to reveal it? I understood that when I was small and unable to take care of myself, I experienced behavior that will never understand. I wish I could say it gets better, but time will tell how much I can heal from this. If you find yourself in a similiar position, know you are not alone, and not at fault. Make a choice that you can find comfort, safety and forgiveness in. Much love

[@satchrules101]

I’ll tell my parents not my problem, good luck .. peace ✌️.

[@luciamixon8119]

If only many more of us would have done the same......

[@imalwaysme4332]

At the age of 51 I am here listening to this... my mother has been abusive towards myself and my siblings.. she is now older and needs help. She wants me to come live with her to help take care of her.... manipulative to the core. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER $$$$$$. she uses her $as a way to control.... god I wish I didn't feel this guilt by staying away from her

[@NYCSouthernGirl1]

I'm right there with you 😞

[@imalwaysme4332]

@@NYCSouthernGirl1 They get worse with age ! Playing mind games, acting "helpless" when I know she isn't. It's unreal and mind boggling🤯

[@NYCSouthernGirl1]

@@imalwaysme4332 oh trust me...it's full on dramatics!! At least yours has money. Mine has over spent her entire life while ridiculing other and now literally doesn't have a pot to piss in! I want to just run away 😫

[@imalwaysme4332]

@@NYCSouthernGirl1 Run girl! For your own mental health!

[@John-qn6ex]

"Should you?" If you're a tool. Let them figure it out. That's what they did, no matter many times you told them that they needed to fix what they broke, and they didn't comply. They dodged an ACTUAL duty. It isn't your DUTY to care for them. It's a choice. Don't be a moralist. Think about your human rights that were violated. Consider that they need to learn how to treat others, by going through the consequences of someone else's self-interest. Now it's their problem. Don't expect their behavior to change after that experience either. The probability is very low.

[@cherylbethcartercarter4266]

Ohhhhh my Gawd did I need this today!!! Thank You for making this

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

You are so welcome!

[@myfuturepuglife]

"She was fully supported by the staff in her decision." Thank You.

[@vanishreebhatt]

My birth parents were abusive and my pseudo-mother was emotionally abusive narcissistic. They are dealing with the karma for their actions

[@celestewest2785]

If you don’t mind me asking I don’t mean to pry, but do you have any contact with your mom?

[@jodiloree3691]

Took care for 13 years...father at 89 went raging and went to hit me. No contact for a year.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Sorry Jeff, sounds horrible! Not the way you hoped things would be. Perhaps an abusive father with dementia on top of it. Never easy. Take care of you....

[@brenda9633]

I will never regret taking care of my mother. We made amends and were able to resolve a lot of issues that plagued our relationship for many years. I feel so blessed to be able to forgive her ...finally. 😢

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

I’m so happy for you, Brenda! I wish that for everybody!

[@bonnenaturel6688]

@@tracyk3567 My mom is her same old smart alec self insulting me when she can and praising herself and asking for constant compliments. She actually said that she thinks it is weird that the men my age at church look at her instead of me! Someone complimented my blouse and she said to them in front of everyone in the lobby, "why are you complimenting her top and not mine? Isn't mine just as cute as hers?" When a male shook both my hands she said to him "why did you shake both of her hands and only one of mine?" The guy became embarrassed and profusely apologized to her. We avoid each other because of my mom. Last time he and I chatted she came across the room and walked in between us and said she had to interrupt because blah blah.." I am a rescuer since I had to take care of her mental problems as a child and she was incapable of leaving my abusive dad (I took care of him when he had cancer). My siblings want their money when they die but do nothing else. My ethics tells me that they had terrible childhoods and they could not help it but my emotions make me rescue, overdue the help and get angry when mom does nothing and lets me do it all. She is still capable of doing many things but she acts like a princess and I am the cinderella. It is exhausting. I feel like my whole live is wrapped up in the constant drama and I even have a psych degree, lol!

[@Jason-bz6uw]

I was a primary caregiver for my mom until she passed away. I felt abused under the guise of "whoppings". My older brother and I fought a lot and I always felt my mom favored him and would take his side. Mind you, he was bigger and stronger, so I was basically defending myself. I decided to confront my mom about spanking me and not him sometimes. She denied all of my concerns as if I made them up. Then she apologized saying sorry if she hurt me. It felt half assed but i accepted it and moved on. Some of the incidents she claimed she had no memory of. If you do decide to confront, there is a big chance you won't get closure. But I know my mom didn't have the best childhood, so I gave her grace whenever I could. It seems like a pattern that the child/children parents favor are never the caregivers. It is always the abused/neglected child taking care of thd parents. I don't know if we seek that love and acceptance that lacked in our childhood or just want them to finally love us. It was hard work, but being able to kiss your mom goodbye and call when you make it back home safe means a lot. In the last few years, I have really pondered my actions. I realized that i just wanted to feel appreciated and loved by her. Because as a child I did not feel that at all.

[@bonnenaturel6688]

They beat a deep sense of guilt into us which drives us to overdo doing the right thing.

[@GeorgiaUnity]

My elderly parent has already (just talking about the time of her illness, not the distant past) threatened to: Make false allegations to have me arrested. Use a knife on me if I tried to keep her from ruining her finances. Make me suffer and 'pay' for 'crossing' her. Lie to everyone we know to turn them against me (more.) Withhold all financial compensation for all the aid I give her (and it isn't much at ALL to start with.) Things haven't even really gotten THAT bad yet and it's already a nightmare.

[@bonnenaturel6688]

Yes, I can relate to the mom ruining her finances and bullying you if you are working to prevent that. In my case my mother was always mentally ill and dementia is just a continuation of that.

[@timmusician5060]

It’s very sad. I wish I could have had a better relationship with both of my parents but my mom is very manipulative & the relationship is one way. She’s extremely dismissive

[@allaboutmoviesallaboutmovi8545]

Heck no let them go and live your life.

[@candicew2842]

Dynamics with parent/child doesn't normally change. I say hand them over to a caregiver without history.

[@JosephJoe1997]

I don’t think you should do it for abusive parents forget them

[@datgamerfamily268]

Time for revenge 🙃

[@namjesus1998]

Same 🖐😂

[@fallenlotus9572]

Yep, I wouldn't give two shits. My narc parents who were physically and mentally abusive deserve karma.

[@Melly16yr10]

Agreed 😈

[@luciaaa233]

if they touched a child "inappropriately" why are they not in jail? Let jail staff take care of them

[@miskwaagiizhigikwe1971]

I'm only 23 and taking care of my abusive father with dementia alone. Not only was my childhood taken away by him, but now he's stolen my early adulthood now. I never learned how to set boundaries and I shouldve removed myself from the situation. I finally accepted that he never wanted me and I don't owe him anything, but I'm too deep into being his caretaker to leave.

[@ArnoldZiffle-jw2mv]

Call the county & get help. Call 911 if it gets bad.

[@Melly16yr10]

Just leave, not worth it.

[@goofynigga8456]

Im in the same boat im 29 y.o childless ,but end of the day his my father. Not justifying it but it just true.

[@rebecca4956]

23??!! You are still young!! Get out now and take care of yourself!! If you don’t, before you know it you’ll be in your 30s and regretting wasting your ‘20s on someone who never cared about you!!

[@moonlightstargem1006]

Make the bish homeless. Wrap a blanket and a beanie on his wheel chair on him and re locate him. Put him in the car, drive far far away & put him in the middle of nowhere! Let a stranger pick em up or let them die on their own. Or give them away to someone literally i’m so tired of good people putting ourselves second and last to bad people. F those people! Let em pass on i don’t care. Sometimes you just gotta grow a pair! And before u tell me empathy is the strongest trait of all obviously evil people are winning my god!

[@crystaladdis7226]

Thank you for this video. Its not often you hear that "its ok" to think about yourself when abusive parents are older and need care.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

You’re welcome!!

[@somerandomgirl2656]

I'm presently caring for an emotionally abusive parent in the same house as my father who sexually abused my older sister, and my cousin, as well as did inappropriate things to me and about me that I struggle to admit was also sexual abuse towards me. I can't stand being around him and I have to live in the same house now. My mom was always close to me, but she did emotionally abuse me too. I'm at my ropes end. I didn't even have a choice to take care of her. They convinced me to move back home after a marriage fell through and then she got sick, and I'm the one they pushed it all on. I had to quit working just to take care of her and I'm not being paid. I want to leave this situation, but I really don't know how. It's not guaranteed she won't get better, and noone I talk to is giving me resources on local places to go for paid help and programs. I've been everywhere. This is the first video I've seen that actually helped even a little 💛

[@jantelopez5626]

my abusive moms behaviour went lower than anything i could have ever imagined when my dad died. honestly i've had to pretend she doesnt exist .. and she has my brother who's living with her like a norman bates character or something

[@tracyk3567]

Your poor brother 😢

[@catherinehall2072]

This is the second time I watched this video. It was extremely helpful in allowing me to set boundaries with my ( not abused) siblings regarding what I would do for my mother. She still treats me badly, but I immediately punt her to my sibling and withdraw until I am ready to re-engage. The siblings are angry but that’s not my problem to solve. Thank you!

[@timmusician5060]

I would not be able to handle this. I would end up never having any part of my youthful yrs in this one trip through life that I would enjoy. I will not take care of my mom when she is older. I can’t sacrifice my entire life. I am not considering doing this. I feel like I’m being manipulated & steered into being in a position where I wouldn’t have a choice. My parents have sabotaged me throughout my life. I am currently working on a plan to escape this situation & actually cut off contact with family. I want to take the rest of my life to heal from the abuse of the first half.

[@karyndee]

And it's worse as he gets older

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Karen, I hope you take some of the advice in this video and protect yourself, mentally and physically. You matter.

[@deboraslay9494]

😢

[@mystictailsfarmga]

I'm currently caring for my mother that is 82 with lung cancer. She closes her self off when I asked her about my abusive father and still won't acknowledge she knew he was abusive to me and my sister as a child. Now she refuses to take care of herself when she is in remission and fairly good health, just needs to try a better diet and light exercise. She is extremely selfish and just wants to have someone care for her. I have never thought of her as a good mother, and recently told her how I feel, but still I am stuck caring for her. My sister is in a similar situation with our step father, but my brother that lives far away, has not stepped up at all, refuses to help. I am feeling like I am loosing my mind and have no way out! She is not on Medicaid, just making a little over the finacial limits, not allowing for any outside care here in GA.

[@sueshe8986]

Is it not odd how they "don't remember." My mother states one moment that she figured in the long run I would be fine to I don't remember.

[@Flandernify]

There is no doubt: they get NO help from me. What I want to know is legal protection for myself as it the law requires me to support for elderly parents, who I appear to not even to be able to put in jail or in a mental facility either.... WTF?

[@janetsavona7590]

The Law does not require you to support your parents

[@jodiloree3691]

Run

[@barbaralyle6807]

I appreciate hearing this 🙏🏼

[@timothythompson7750]

Only answer: Nope!

[@Jhihmoac]

NO! Absolutely not! I didn't, and have no regrets about it!

[@yryalam7874]

Very helpful and clear - affirming the need for the abused person to put their own needs first is so important - thank you.

[@jerihartzell9300]

I'm afraid that if i had watched this very informative video before my parents moved in that i would never have let them move in. I guess I'm very blessed that my abusive parent had a massive heart attack that had affected his memory. In some ways he's like a completely different person. He doesn't remember much of my childhood. He's completely different towards my grandchildren than he was to my own kids. Abuse does take its toll on a family. I had 2 years to get myself ready for this big event. I did have some PTSD episodes and a lot of anger to work through. It's only been a few months but things are getting better as we all adjust. I've found your advice very helpful. Thank you.

[@k.r.1069]

I was sexually, physically & emotionally abused & my brother committed suicide, & I was "IT." I'm 100% disabled too. Both parents got DIFFERENT dementias & so I took it on. It's been 6+ yrs of me doing EVERYTHING ++ EXTRAs, just so I could feel like they loved me. It has been 6 yrs of pure HELL & my mental & physical health have greatly suffered! Especially mental health. I'm at the point I'd rather be dead than keep doing this. Dad's continued to molest me which has added to my PTSD. All dementia videos, bks, etc. only talk about caring for ONE parent, & none discuss caring for 2!! No1's helped me in any significant form in the 1st & hardest yrs! I've done it as I want no regrets. But I WAY overdid the love, when I didn't need to & they didn't deserve it! All needs are NOT met in assisted living! That's a myth (people think all you do is visit). So wrong!! It's almost ruined my marriage that WAS perfect b4 this & we had a GOOD life. My parents gave me zero info & had shunned me for reasons I still don't know just like they did my brother. I lasted & got this pile of c*ap. I've had no time for support groups, no time for any joy, & just want them to die, as they are gone anyway! I'm so burned out there are no words! No one understands nor cares!

[@billiejeanove1294]

I thought I was the only person who could have 2 parents with it! In some ways I have felt like my dad had it for real, my mom didnt want to take care of him so she pretended. But now, 5 years later, this shit is real and still has all the abuse and mental health crap on top of it!!!!

[@perhay8075]

Dear Sofia, I am very grateful for you and for discovering your video on this topic when I google this topic on KZbin. There are hardly any resources or support available to senior children like us who have been abused and who are now face with the tragic position of being expected to care for them. This is such a difficult area that I have no friends or siblings that I can seek help from, except sharing with my mother who used to be an enabler to my abusive father. I find myself listening to your video on this topic repeatedly as your video is so validating and insightful. I look forward that you might do more videos on this topic area. Thank you very much.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

I appreciate your words so much! I make videos for you!

[@jjall663]

I'm taking care of my pimp aka my mother who has moved in with me. I have flat out told her if she treats my daughter the way she treated me and my siblings, it will be the biggest mistake of her life. I will never let anyone do to my daughter what that demon did to me. What would my life have been like if I had someone like me in my life as a child? My life would be completely different right now.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Hi JJ All. Good for you....daughter #1! You...#2! Boundaries, clear expectations and a solid backup plan are what I recommend. Your "pimp" is lucky to have you....even if she doesn't know it.

[@jjall663]

@@SofiaAmirpoor thanks, Ms. Sofia. God will Judge me and my actions too. Oh Lord when will it end. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Please make more videos to help folks like me get through this...

[@luciaaa233]

How you could even let her to move in with you. She should be in prison not in your home

[@girl38rockify]

How old is she can u apply for a low income nursing home ?

[@sherika1977]

Omg I feel your pain. My God give you strength and mental strength during this situation.

[@noelfisher1829]

This is hugely critical . Thank you

[@eveharris30]

My father died in a tent on skid row. That is all carry-on.

[@missmoxiemaesmith8287]

My elderly mom that abused me as a child physically and verbally, emotionally… now needs my help. She’s very sick. I’ve been taking care of her and yesterday she reminded me that I won’t be in her will. She’s putting my oldest son over everything. I don’t care about that, but what does bother me is that she felt the need to let me know this. I’m totally exhausted physically and emotionally. I’m neglecting my own home and my pets to care for her. If I stop being at her disposal I know my family will say I’m the dirtiest dog on the planet. I’ve been on my own since I was 16. Why do I care about a woman that never really cared for me?

[@TiffanyRicci]

What if you are the only family and you DONT want to care for them but they refuse to go to home? What do you do?

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

#Tiffany Ricci Sounds like a frank and honest, but kind and loving, conversation is needed. "Mom and Dad, I'm so glad that you've been here, I've gotten to see what your needs are. We never really talked about your expectations when you came here and i don't want to misunderstand your plans. I worry about you, and at the same time, I have my job (or family or health) that I also worry about. I love you and I'm more than happy to help come up with a plan for you, but staying here long term is not an option right now. But there are so many other ways that I can provide support and help to you, so can we talk about it?" Tough right? But necessary.

[@taniaarthur]

this people don't understand loving conversations, they don't care about anyone else, they don't reason.

[@newwine1887]

@SofiaAmirpoor you are a lovely person and have so much great content. Thank you for your platform for helping navigate elderly care. I don’t know what your experience is with this, but as you can see from the comments, there are many adult children of abuse. Our main goal is healing and not carrying on the cycle. This topic is an entire series in and of itself and cannot be resolved with a “loving conversation”. They don’t have or never will, have that capacity. If an adult child is healthy enough, then strategy of exit or semi involvement is the best move. If not, they get sucked into the drama and carry on the abuse cycle. In these situations, there is no “loving” alternative of negotiating. If one chooses to stay involved, it’s best to put them in the hands of the Federal Government Medicaid or Altecs to dissolve assets. Courts will hunt for next of kin willing and able to take it off their plate. Please learn more about this topic if you choose to address it. Sometimes your comments may come off as naive or insensitive to an already deeply wounded group.

[@overit16]

I drove 2 hours, picked my mother up and cared for her when she got ill. In those 2 weeks, she went out her way to disrespect me in my own home. I took her to Dr. Appoints, got her food and pills, even rubbed her aching feet. I even told my sister who is my moms flying monkey, and to my suprise, she said mom is wrong and could've believe the things i told her. I drove her home on my birthday and told my husband I would never do that again.

[@heartsonghealingspace]

The final decision point was realizing that their behavior had not changed. But that decision came after years of angst trying to understand what was the right thing to do. I am a kind person and I finally understand that I also deserve to be treated kindly.

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

You absolutely do!!

[@isasant6926]

Don’t see how a person would say yes. Unless they want to get back at them. Definitely not. Forgive for your own sanity but stay away. So sad to see how many innocent children are not given love and care from the people that were expected to love them unconditionally.

[@ArtandKitchen_]

My question now :( I already cut connection with my father..and mother.. My mom message me now asking for help because my father is sick. What shall I do? I never had any emotional connection with them nor feel their love. It is full of neglect and abuse when I was still there.. I reached my limit last year and decided to let go and love myself.. I am afraid now the same patterns will just happen if I engaged again

[@sarahchan8654]

The same patterns will happen. Nobody apologized to you, nobody changed. People who didn’t give you care don’t deserve your care. You might tell yourself, “They can’t abuse me now because they need me, and I’m an adult.” This is wrong. As long as they haven’t sincerely apologized and repented for the evils they did to you as an innocent child, they are still abusing you now in the present tense. Don’t sin against yourself by allowing their evil. They can take care of themselves.

[@satchrules101]

100% , thank you for what you said !

[@girl38rockify]

Don't engage

[@robertblake9892]

NO ! "As Ye Sow, So Shall Ye Reap !"

[@phish_1]

Children whose parents are abusive will rebel and will ex-communicate their parents

[@kasspriscilla9350]

I can only go up there once in awhile because I have a sickness I can't do anything else my brother is more involved but in reality my dad has to mention my mom has an injured hip and it really hurts her she's recovering from that everybody thinks that they should be assisted living and there's a lot of people that agree with that including the nurses but my mother and father don't want to listen they want to do it their way despite of all the difficulty they are in they just make matters worse we're all frustrated and they would never sign anybody including my brother over a power of attorney never they would never allow that it's just nothing but a crisis and chaos I was up there from Thursday to Friday cooking keeping the kitchen clean taking out the trash she didn't want it she fell down when she tried to do it on her own but that was the reason why I was there I feel frustrated my dad cusses and swears and is emotionally abusive and he doesn't stop and there's one thing I know is that you can't control somebody's abusive behavior but when it gets really bad I know that I have to leave because I can't deal with it and they never talked to us about the will or about what will happen when they die or anything like that so it's become really stressful and they cause the stress and the chaos again I'm a special needs adults and then my brother he doesn't have the problems I have but my brother's an enabler and he'll do what they want and I feel like I'm left in the corner I feel stuck I want to do something to make their years of last to their life pleasant but apparently nobody's letting me do that so I don't know what to do thank you for sharing this video

[@oiwurisheencourages]

Thank you for sharing. My most helpful tip was hearing say listen to gut and I can still help from a distance.

[@jayjaytoday]

The right answer is to put them in the same conditions as an adult that they put you in as a child. Kick them to the curb.

[@nikkimadison6892]

So no I don't owe her anything..she had fifty years of me ..that's enough

[@luciamixon8119]

My mom is 82 and I'm 58. She is very ill.and still trying to call the shots. I don't think she knew what she was doing as she ruined her life along with ours...etc. I finally visit when I can. Took me too long. Peace.

[@noelfisher1829]

This would have been helpful 25 years ago. Grateful it is here now.

[@yichispiritual]

My current answer is no.

[@victoriapalferez-siri5952]

Experience is in 45 years of ongoing traumas no only childhood, actually is all my fault, they can not help themselves comes with territory and with their heritage. News flash families copy one another to pick a designated family punching bag to company punching bag to community punching bag to so on. Is convenient for them to have an scapegoat then want to be care for in old age like nothing happened to cover for them. All types of families in the world. Very important decisions to make, my own kids will let me rot if I abuse them or make them feel abused. The new generations do not buy it, they lock you up at any age even old dying in a bed like a walk in a park. Technology and Information had open their eyes so that tradition of caring for abusive parents is dying quickly enough with my generation.

[@janetsavona3542]

I did it for 4 years but then gave up

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Hi Janet. I'm glad you found out that it wasn't working for you and got out! Not easy I'm sure.

[@mikel917]

I understand that, don't worry about it.

[@janetsavona3542]

Everyone in the Health Care Industry makes you feel guilty and forces you to try to be responsible Theirs alot of pressure on you to go against your decision to not take care of your parent The Mommie Dearest excuse doesn't sit well with them

[@dolphinliam888]

Well done!

[@transitionsnc]

I understand this. I'm two years in and I'm really considering taking a step back.

[@veggietablz]

My mother is bad, but she is more confused then bad,i want to help her and confront her but i fear that i will hurt her, i would give it all to protect my parents and i dont want to hurt her cause she is going through a tough time, i dont want to harm myself or run away, i know that will bring pain to my family, i cant let that happen, i'll wait but i just wanted to get this off of my chest since its hard going through her torture and not being able to do anything about it

[@sesiliamarshella9391]

This didn't work in my country. If we throw away our parents they will try to find us and give them back to us. Or even could sue us due to abandonment. Feel so trapped sometimes.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

Ew which country?

[@MrsWetdirt]

This is such an important video. Thank you so much for making it. I’m definitely going to be using this to help some of my clients who struggle with this very concept. (BTW, I’m not sure if you’re using a filter for your video, but your complexion is stunning).

[@SofiaAmirpoor]

Glad it was helpful! And...you are WAY too nice!

[@nancygee3137]

If they were abusive and still are screw them. They both havent changed and think they are perfect. They boss me around even though I am helping them.

[@MizMundoAdventures]

Hi I'm a new subscriber 🤗 Love your channel. Do you offer one on one counseling for family care givers?

[@TheyHateAnythingRight.]

My parents are both monsters and I've had no contact with them for many years now. Generally speaking, Couldn't you just hand them over to the care of the State? After all, the State isn't going to sue itself for neglect.

[@asmresthetic334]

Appreciate the wisdom.

[@jennb.6312]

Thank you very much for this video. This subject is rarely talked about.

[@teysiewpeng3884]

Thanks for your video... Very validating points to me while considering this.

[@tommyking7340]

Your giving temporary alternatives even listing things that are pretty accurate, but all your providing is bring up more questions and then you ask, have I considered the 7 things and do I have a back up plan? That's why I'm here, what if they don't want to participate in anything I have tried. What are my grounds and limitation?