Speak with a New York Accent

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This lesson is designed to help you pull off an impressive New York accent, using key vowel and consonant substitutions when applied to a text.
Drop the R vowel
rare, warn, entire, sort, steer
Some short A’s become eah
last, bragging, cash, glass
AW grows very nasal
office, caught, mall, saw
The following is an excerpt from the romance/horror novel “Lost Art”. The basic premise of this piece is that a magic shopping mall exists where visitors live out their dreams-but like all things that are very fun, it is also quite risky. In this speech, a tour guide relates the dangers visitors face when entering a fantasy-fulfillment center.
A collector of horror memorabilia visited Pandora in order to boast about his experience to his social media following. When he spied a rare movie poster, he tried to take it off the wall. I warned him that stealing from the Box was a huge mistake. I really lectured him. He fed me polite nods and submissive agreements, but the moment my back was turned, he snuck off and stripped the poster from its case.
Last time I saw him, he was just another zombie, bragging about his theft for all eternity to his ghost pals-claimed by Pandora for his crime, caught dead to rights.
The disappearances aren’t limited to thieves. A middle-aged good ole boy showed up at Pandora Tours with his trophy wife.
He wouldn’t clue me in on the reason for the visit, opting to ply me with cash. The agreeable sort that I am, I took the payoff, hoping to at least steer the couple around the obvious pitfalls.
Wouldn’t you know, the second we reached the glass doors of the food atrium, he gave me a love tap and sent me on my way. No one ever saw that pair again.
A tourist doesn’t even need to wander off to get killed. A neurotic young man came to the office. He was suffering from severe depression. He figured Pandora might help him understand his life. In terms of motivations, his seemed less far-fetched than most.
Once inside the mall, we checked out the arts store, studied his life via Insight Cinemas, and came up with some revelations about accepting his identity. I considered it a victory.
We were in the parking lot, mere feet from my car, when a damn unicorn trotted up to us. I warned the kid not to mount it, that he was home free, but no, he had to go for a ride on the mythical beast-which turned out to be his last.
The handbook "Speak with a New York Accent" takes the exotic art of performing with dialects and delivers easy-to-follow lessons. Break all barriers to learning the New York accent with this book, and at your next audition the casting directors will be scraping their jaws off the floor.
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