When Should You Tell Your Child They're Autistic?

A lot of people have asked me when they should tell their child that they are autistic. In today's video, I'm going to share some of my experience having not known I was autistic growing up and look at a research paper that looked into quality of life of adults on the autism spectrum compared to when they were informed of their autism.
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References:
Oredipe, T., Kofner, B., Riccio, A., Cage, E., Vincent, J., Kapp, S. K., Dwyer, P., & Gillespie-Lynch, K. (2022). Does learning you are autistic at a younger age lead to better adult outcomes? A participatory exploration of the perspectives of autistic university students. Autism, 13623613221086700. doi.org/10.1177/1362361322108...
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[@StephanieBethany]

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[@gigahorse1475]

I also like how you acknowledged not everyone fits in in the neurodiversity community. I get along very well with autistic people in real life and the internet, but when I try to join neurodiverse spaces, I get harassed for diverging from their very strict orthodoxy or for saying the wrong words or asking the wrong questions. I’d love to make a space where all autistics can express themselves and get along!

[@BipolarCourage]

I have experienced mob bullying from the neurodiversity community. Mad at me because I stopped calling myself autistic seems to be the main reason

[@HappyHoney41]

I just found out at the age of 60. Spent my life wondering why I was different and not knowing why normal things are so hard for me. As an adult, I really wish I'd known earlier. Especially before having kids. It's a relief to know. That way I can take care of myself properly.

[@artemisXsidecross]

In a pre industrial era or even a hunter gather society people who are now described as autistic might have been very good an astute members, and hardly noticed for eccentricity.

[@deborahwatson8150]

You are not alone. After watching this I believe I am at same age of 60 woweee

[@turtleanton6539]

For sure I was "only" 26 it sure helps alot

[@positiveviboo9322]

Are your kids on spectrum too?

[@HappyHoney41]

@@positiveviboo9322 Yes. They just seemed normal, to me. Both borderline genius. Yet one has given up driving, because it's just too much going on at one time to keep up with.

[@mommaA505]

I am 41 and didn’t know I was autistic until my daughter was diagnosed at 2. I got my official diagnosis 2 years ago. My daughter is now 6 and she has always known she is autistic and knows I am autistic as well. I grew up knowing there was something wrong with me. I use to cry and cry out to God asking why he made me this way. I can see now how I was taken advantage of my classmates and as adult. When I found out I was autistic I realized why I did certain thing. My brain make since. I can help my daughter fit in to the world better and make sure she doesn’t get taken advantage of. She is also getting the help she need that I didn’t get as a child. I have no regrets telling her she is autistic.

[@Authentistic-ism]

I remember being taken to child psychiatrists and given extensive testing. Now I'm pretty sure I was being assessed for autism as a girl in the 1980's. But there was no diagnosis. I wasn't really aware of what was going on, I just knew my mother thought I was different and wrong and was taking me to doctors to get to the bottom of it. No followup came after all those experiences. I remember the adults whispering about autism, and I went to our encyclopedia set to look it up. I was horrified at the description and did not see myself in it at all. After that period in my childhood my mother simply doubled down on teaching me social skills in an authoritarian way. She would fuss and preen and helicopter my every interaction with other humans and coach me beforehand according to her own social norm values. It was a strange experience. I think the psychiatrist must have told her (according to understandings back then) that my social skill teachability ruled out autism as a diagnosis for me as a girl. But I have a diagnosis now! All that social coaching females have to endure was just lessons in masking for me. Now I have to undo all that to find out who I am really today.

[@bruce5]

I was diagnosed with autism as a toddler (late '60s/early '70s) but wasn't told until I was a teenager (in the '80s). Back then I still had a hard time trying to figure out why I wasn't able to be one of the "cool kids". Of course I ultimately decided the best thing I could do was not try so hard to fit in.

[@whitneymason406]

We talk about it and read books to help my children understand autism. Great topic! 💛

[@SailorYuki]

My son was diagnosed last year and we told him right away. I feel it's better to know than not. I didn't figure out I was autistic until I was 40, something that would have made life much easier had I known sooner.

[@Authentistic-ism]

I'm old and late diagnosed. It would have been the 1980s if I was diagnosed early (I remember being taken for children's assessments and hearing my parents suspect it, but they missed me back then) and there would have been no peer supports for autistic females or adult peer role models known at the time. I would have had nothing more than a label for why I felt alone. I'm actually glad that I did not "get told" (in my case via seeking adult asssessment) until I already suspected I wasn't alone and knew of a group of others like me to join for peer support. Much like we have in so many places with the internet today. For a child being born more recently though I think my answer is gonna be different hypothetically. I'm part of the generation that remembers life before personal computers and the internet and it's just massively different now for young people to find their tribe.

[@alexlaessle1]

Every time I watch one of your videos I appreciate you for starting your channel. It is painful to come to grips with how life could be easier if some of us didn't have to deal with social, intellectual, or physical impediments. I feel very deeply for you and my 26-year-old daughter who is autistic. Your insights and capacity to share your feelings about your disability are very meaningful and important. Thank you so much for using you unique traits, talents, and capabilities to help others.

[@haileys5224]

I know the grass is always greener, but I feel like if I knew I was autistic as a kid, I would have understood why I was different and knew that there wasn’t just something wrong with me. I could have gotten help and resources younger. Things would have been a lot different.

[@LeahcimKennel]

I want to be clear with you that I see you as very socially aware and you have a HUGE insight into who you are and what that means. This is a SUPERPOWER, it is also helpful to educate others. Please know that my positive comment comes from a place of deep understanding. My sister has always presented as autistic and was clearly on the spectrum at 3 years old. The problem was we found this out in the UK and then moved to Canada. On top of that we had an abusive mother who shamed my sister and then she spent the majority of her life trying to mask in Canada, never totally managing it, but never having an official diagnosis when young. My sister hid and masked so well that doctors felt she did not have ASD, but only had depression and anxiety. I wish that she had know the truth younger and been able to learn ways to cope better. I have often over the years been that prompt to help her manage various life skills, i helped her clean her room as a teenager to avoid chaos in the house coming from our mothers anger. But at almost 60 this is much harder for me to do this as I develop various health issues.

[@joycebrewer4150]

I was super late finding out I was asperger/autistic. Age 59. Apparently I was first diagnosed age 15, in the '70s. I was in the midst of my first and most severe depression, why I was sent to a therapist in the first place. I don't know who decided not to tell me. Maybe they thought I would become suicidal if I knew. Here is the kicker. I Was suicidal, but had decided not to tell my therapist. In concealing the depth of depression I felt, I inadvertently revealed my autism to a trained professional. I, nor anybody in my family had yet heard about autism. Knew nothing about it. ( Though looking back, I am 97% sure my dad was on the spectrum, too. May have been why we clashed so much!) I do wish I could have been diagnosed much earlier than I was, but am grateful that I missed out on what sounds like a horrible treatment, ABA. I felt I was too deeply flawed to ever function as a full human being. I even thought I would be doing my family a favor by commiting suicide. Thank goodness that frame of mind didn't last over 5 months! I would have missed so much if I had acted on that thought!! It was a blessed relief when I finally got an answer for why life had been so hard. I wish I could have benefited from the modern understanding of autism, back as a teen. Some of my younger relatives are on the spectrum, too. Their experience is so vastly better than I had it at their current ages. Not that it is easy, or fully accepted even now, to be on the spectrum. But more understanding definitely helps.

[@thesincitymama]

My parents knew since I was in kindergarten, but they never told me. They couldn’t afford to get me any special treatment for it. When I was 13 a classmate told me, “everyone has always known you have the rain man disease but it’s rude to talk to you about it.” And she was shocked when I didn’t even know what she was talking about. When I asked my mom about she said, “we’re not rich” and that was that. When they sent me to public high school at 14 they gave me social sessions and they told me I had ass-burgers and they kept reminding me to tell my parents to take me to a specialist, but yeah right (my parents couldn’t afford doctors) 😂 I never knew what ass-burgers were until a few years ago and I’ve been living in the jungle for years so I guess it doesn’t really matter. But lately I’m obsessed with finding others who had a similar experience. As an adult when I mentioned it to my dad he apologized and said he shouldn’t have let my mom take care of that. My mom just says she thinks God made me perfect. So whatever. It’s wrong when they don’t tell us. I wish they woulda told me right away when I was four. Because when I started school it was immediately very obvious that shimmering made me quite different from everyone else. They kept telling me I was like the Ugly Duckling and the Insomniac Pea Princess. Why all the metaphors? What not just tell me what I am so I can start from a clear understanding of what my tools, skills, and limitations actually are?

[@thesincitymama]

*shimmering = something😂❤

[@moederkoekjes3380]

I found out at 10, I already had a feeling I was autistic at 8. Knowing that in my teens I did read up about it online to help myself and I can pin down some of my behaviours or situations I get into as a result of autism as an explaination. Now I can pass well as just a shy normal person. Had I known later I think I would have been a more anxious person running around trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

[@artemisXsidecross]

I was born in the mid 1940’s and when autism was described: “The DSM-III, published in 1980, established autism as its own separate diagnosis and described it as a “pervasive developmental disorder” distinct from schizophrenia.” We have experienced two different realities in a shared life time. I survived by the strategic use of camouflage.

[@gigahorse1475]

If I learned I was autistic as a child, I think I would have hated myself for it. But finding out as an adult, I am able to be more patient with myself and forgive myself for the meltdowns. I am glad I found out as an adult, but at the same time it was a bit scarring feeling alone and like I was the only one in the world who had “anxiety this bad.” I could also understand being angry if this information was withheld from me for too long. After viewing this video, I think if I had an autistic kid I would tell them when they are almost a teen. But before then I would lay a good foundation by reading them kid’s books about autism and autistic people, and the good and bad that comes with it.

[@nostalgiamostalgia0319]

I was told by my mother at the age of 11 and that was the age when I was facing a lot of emotional health problems so it seemed ideal to bring it up and things made a lot of sense and I became more aware of my flaws.

[@artemisXsidecross]

Autism may be as old as our species and our novel reaction to modernity; it may be more of a warning than our specific problem. Modernity demands that we all fit in as interchangeable parts for its production of widgets should be better understood. A canary in a coal mine should not be blamed for the adverse reaction of being placed in a toxic situation. Autism stands in line with sexism, racism, and other forms of discrimination. Autism is not a root problem.

[@publiceyes473]

💥👍👍

[@deborahwatson8150]

Thank you, Stephanie for this discovery information 👍🏼🤗😘🫶🏼

[@jackiemitchell8869]

I didn’t find out I was autistic, had SAD spacial awareness disorder and AI audio impairment till I was in my late 20’s at a pre benefits assessment meeting. I thought in that moment everything began to made sense. At first wanted to go raging mad at my dad for not telling me when I was younger but after a few seconds I thought that wouldn’t change anything and just make things between us bad and didn’t want that. He said mum didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to be labels with something. She wanted people to see you as person and not a condition. I didn’t find out I had GGD Global Development Delay till a few days before I was twenty-two. At first wanted to go raging mad at my dad for not telling me when I was younger but after a few seconds I thought that wouldn’t change anything and just make things between us bad and didn’t want that. He said mum didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to be labels with something. She wanted people to see you as person and not a condition. I asked him about autism then but he said it definitely wasn’t. This all come at meeting with college trying get the help I needed in the classroom from PLSP Personal Learning Support Plan/Person as support worker with me at the time said remember tell him about your Asperger’s. I snapped back at her said I do not. It was frustrating trying to get him to understand my needs. That is when my dad said oh by the way you are not volume deaf as I had been lead to believe my whole life you have GGD Global Development Delay. I wish new when I was much younger then I would have understood myself much sooner and (maybe not been suicidal and tried to commit suicide). I can’t say for certain. Once I knew about all my conditions what a relief! I now finally have an explanation for being different and why I do the things I do rather than being this label-less nobody!

[@AIMSGlobal]

Love your videos, Stephannie 💛 Thank you!

[@JERealize]

I was diagnosed at the age of three, and since then I received a network of help in school, including being admitted into Pre-K. (This was before it became mandatory in California.) Despite the signs being there, and despite me being on *a calendar* for being a model autistic, I never quite /got/ that I had it. I wasn't that cognizant of the world at the time. Autism, to me, still seemed like a faraway thing, something to be mentioned in a commercial and nothing more. But around the age of 15, I was having dinner with my family. My parents casually brought up in a discussion between them that I had autism, and curious, I asked them if it was true. They said yes. My parents were cautious about letting me know and didn't plan on bringing it up that day, but something that seemed so distant hit me. And yet, it would take me another decade to fully understand what it meant to be autistic. In retrospect, I honestly hate my brain in that one specific way of not letting me be as self-conscious as I wanted to be. Despite this, I don't think this delayed realization hurt me too much. The early diagnosis and intervention helped me be one of the best students in class (even though I had trouble sticking to my homework and still never properly learned how to study, despite graduating with a Bachelor's). And one thing that this let me do is express myself, especially in my school days. Despite a few scares from the principal, I generally developed true to myself. But now I'm almost 30, and none of these intervention methods helped me get a job (I did get a temp job working for the Census, but not through them). No one wants to hire an autistic (even though they won't admit it) despite my strengths, and the resources I have won't vouch for me nor recommend anything fitting my education. It's as if this was all an act, as if they never saw me as an equal. And now that I realize how much of a troublemaker I was as a kid (and a teen (and an early adult)), those feelings have doubled over. Realizing I'm an autist has made me realize there's more work I and the systems that claim to support me need. In fact, I feel I'm done with conventional employment, as I've realized I'd be better off being a songwriter (I just need to find the right classes for me). And I've also generally given up on making new friends because while I do need them, I fear I'll say one thing that breaks us up. (And that has happened well more than once.) But as of right now, no one in my family is willing to support me, and that's all the people I know living nearby. Here's hoping turning 30 changes that somewhat. (As if fairy tales come true.)

[@Rebecca-eh9ow]

If you have an early diagnosis, I’d say before they enter high school. I was “lucky” enough to find out that I was autistic, as a girl when I was 17, at the beginning of the 21 century. However, without that knowledge I blamed myself for something that happened to me freshman year of High School, thanks to what was unknown at the time as “selective mutism”. I was thought of as being painfully shy and not “ trying hard enough” to talk to people. High School is rough for anybody, but can be a sensory and social nightmare for anyone who is ND. So I say before freshman year.

[@BipolarCourage]

My son was diagnosed Aspergers as a child. Told him with a children's book. Didn't make it into his identity. Saw various clinicians. When he was in his mid-teens he insisted he didn't have it. Gave him his diagnostic papers when he was 18. His choice what he makes of it now.

[@aleisterlilywhite1109]

My husband’s 18 year old son is OBVIOUSLY autistic but no one will talk to him about it! I got diagnosed at 34 and wish I had been diagnosed in childhood. I keep trying to get my husband to talk to him about it but I don’t think he wants an autistic son, which is obviously fucked up. His son doesn’t like me (we basically have opposite special interests and I’m not his mom) so he wouldn’t want to hear it from me. Idk what to do anymore.

[@StephanieBethany]

That's a tough situation 😕 hopefully either your husband will come around or the right person will be able to talk with him about it soon

[@artemisXsidecross]

Sadly you may only be able to bear-witness. I grew up in a family when autism was seen as mental illness and they would still have resented me regardless of its label. Living with autism takes courage. I found courage in reading literature such as Emily Dickinson from the past and Kae Tempest’s new book ‘On Connection’ last year.

[@ericah6546]

I say as soon as possible. I always wondered why I was different. I would have embraced it more had I know that there was a reason and I wasn't just simply failing at being like everyone else. I would have taken pride in it when I was little.

[@toaojjc]

I'm suspecting me, my kids and my husband are autistic. I'm in a waiting list to be assessed. The kids will have their assessments first as the waiting lists for kids are shorter (ny husband doesn't want an assessment for now). I plan on telling the kids as soon as I know the exact date of their assessment.

[@ir4700]

the same time you would tell a child they are left handed - it should just come out...and you should encourage a positive attitude...no need for a big reveal...just a matter of fact...explanation of needs /difference.....you shouldn't feel awkward...if you do you aren't the right role model....we know better now - through out old negative perception and talk about neurodiversity ...social deficits don't exist- you're loaded with internalised ableism and defeciet language - do better with your platform -understand and spread contemporary autistic lead research - double empathy problem....neurodiversity affirming approach is needed...

[@joycebrewer4150]

My mom was left handed, back when they still tried to teach her to write with her right hand only. It is amazing how many things have been used as excuses for discrimination.

[@chad3232132]

I grew up in the 80's 90's, and like so many, I was simply never diagnosed as a child. The few times I saw psychologists, they simply assumed I was just in some sort of shy/withdrawn phase, and would "grow out of it." I struggled along until finally seeing a paychiatrist for the first time at age 26. My psychiatrist treated me well and helped a lot, but didn't actually tell me I am an Aspie until about a decade later after I read about it and asked him if I was autistic. At first, I was angry. It seemed like everyone failed me for most of my life with all the bad diagnoses. But after while, I grew to accept it, and in hindsight, I probably worked harder to overcome a lot of things by not knowing. I think if I knew I was autistic and would never fit into society fully, I might have given up all hope by my teens, possibly ending my life a long time ago. I still don't believe I'll make it past 50 with all the depression and suicidal inclinations, but just making it past 40 has been a complete shock.

[@miawuff3997]

(Not sure my other comment posted) This… Speaks to my experience. Thank you for sharing.

[@nerd26373]

Thank you for this video. May God bless you.

[@Jaichbinhier]

I have a question about the research: Since it was relatively recently That Asperger's was reclassified into the Autism spectrum, would the People who are more in that section of neurodivergents, like Stephannie, Have been included in the studies the same as the others or differently? 🤔 Maybe I'm overthinking this, but I feel like if some don't understand "spectrum", Then being told a different diagnosis early on may have differently affected them.

[@StephanieBethany]

That's definitely a valid question! I think it is a good thing to consider; I don't recall data on type of dx but I think it would be interesting to know if there is any correlation between support needs and outcome of knowing either during or after childhood/adolescence

[@publiceyes473]

Yes ❤yes and yes thank you for sharing ❤

[@mikkeluno]

Found out at 27 when I got so burned out I was under severe threat of suicidal behaviour. Getting that bombshell on top mitigated some, but ended up causing a severe depression period where I grieved the childhood and young adulthood I wish I could have mitigated with knowledge. I always thought I just had to push harder. Be less lazy. I've always thought I was just wired wrong, but that no one would tell me what I did wrong. Everyone could tell, hence why I didn't make many friends. I understand difficulties with telling them as children, but keep in mind Autism does define you. It is a large part of your identity. And neurotypicals can tell you're different. It helps mitigate the inevitable loss of friends and social problems you end up in when your 'tism gets in the way.

[@artemisXsidecross]

I have been where you have described and no longer blame anyone but the cultural dogma that has led us into this precipice. A close look around of what is happening in our world today, I am not dissatisfied that I do not fit in. It has brought in more important insight than disappointment. Self-knowledge is not an easy task, but good work to be done.

[@mikkeluno]

​@@artemisXsidecross I just wish I never had to have that revelation. But I completely agree with you! My case is a case of my parents are on the spectrum as well and never knew, so we were just a quirky family. They've always taken care (or tried to) of my needs. But I still firmly believe if I had the knowledge early on I would've been able to cope a lot better with social situations and studies. The amount of stress I've endured because I thought I was lazy vs needed to restructure how I studied is too high ^_^

[@Authentistic-ism]

Question - about the study. Did the children have autistic or neurotypical parents? I know tons of autistic parents who tell their own children about their own autism from the very beginning. It really sets it up well for those children to be diagnosed and disclosed their own autism very early with the understanding and insight of the autistic expeirence of life of parent as a huge benefit.

[@MartKart8]

Your sponsor is a mobile phone app, I've begun to see a large surge in mobile phone application adverts here, my mobile is broken.

[@Macaronee78]

Can you help us navigate parents who deny it?

[@spencerreid2086]

if you love them never tell them all you'll be doing is telling them their not normal and different from everyone else and that is not a good feeling believe me.

[@kairon156]

Looking back. I think I would have benefited from learning around 10 years of age. give or take. Middle and high school were a confusing mess, of always wondering "what's wrong with me?" I'm almost 40 and autism explains my 20's and disconnect during my 30's. I'm sure I would have still been slow on the information processing and frustrated & confused. But maybe during my mid 20's If I knew about Autism, that I could have freaking dated once or twice and able to explain why my brain functions DifferentLY......

[@kairon156]

Simply being less fucking confused my whole life and avoiding society and making mistakes because of not knowing what Over stimulation was, or intuitive ADHD or what ever the heck my ND brain might have.

[@The_Vanished]

Some reason the more generations of us the younger we look by larger margins. Just stay in, you don’t have to be any with him but he’ll need to work hard to avoid trouble. Some reason there were a bunch of us strange looking guys

[@leeannjuday]

❤

[@margaretedwardnoseworthy415]

Hi Stephanie I'm a 16 year old boy Who has Autism .My name Is alex

[@The_Vanished]

Omg! I’m in the same situation. It’s not interpreted quite right though. Because people want to just run up to a person who is the current autistic group. Shorter white dudes. But you know its a little annoying. If he’s good looking aka handsome he won’t be picked out, btw. I’m the obvious one, as long as you’re not obvious then you’re fine. You may not have any autism spectrum dysfunction though. I have writing issues so obviously.

[@The_Vanished]

All I want is my tinker shop.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

Wish I was told, I was never told. I figured it out my own. Not like it was hard. The psychologist and teacher and school would talk with me in room. So I knew I had Asperger's. Just being 7 I had no clue and no internet to look it up. I read a lot of things trying to find anything. Like reading a entire encyclopedia set but that was also because I was looking for thing I was interested in. I did find stuff on it but was more historical and Asperger the man and his research resulting in Asperger's children. Didn't help much.

[@publiceyes473]

🌹❤

[@Roxanna_Lux]

Day one, if you can.

[@thesincitymama]

Just tell them! Please tell them. Don’t tell all their teachers and classmates, and then ask everyone never to mention it to your child. From personal experience, that’s not a good way to do it. Please don’t do that, thanks.

[@viralprimenetwork]

You're absolutely great and inspiring Stephanie🥰. We've sent you an email, please check it out.

[@MartKart8]

I find politics hard, and social media, people are so angry, using terms like Left and Right, feels like it means the same thing to me. I remember during a Black History month, I learned that the Labour party known as Left invented the hostile environment in the UK, and the Conservative Party known as Right, helped carry it on, only wanting people that are white to come to the UK, and didn't care if there a rapist or Murder. I know the word man is actual in origins a gender natural word, no idea when people began to change the term, to he, him etc.

[@kristelheskett8713]

definitely angry 💩