What's Predictable About Narcissists, And Why It Matters

[@AJ-jf2ui]

With a narcissist it's like walking on eggshells. You just never know when they are going to blow up and ruin your joy. They stress you out and rob you of your joy in life.

[@janeanderson7122]

A J they do not like it if you are happy or successful or get outside praise.

[@janeanderson7122]

A J Yes, the egg shell bit was part of my life for decades. Such an awful thing. I think the narcissist caused me to develop my sickness, which will. Ill me!

[@jenjem5810]

I feel as if I survived a hijacking. When a person is abducted, because they believed the Imposter was genuine, there can only be relief and joy and gratitude at being tossed aside by such a kidnapper. It doesn't matter if they let go of you, or if you escape their grasp. It might be a clever Separation by going to a gas station in refusing to leave the bathroom. It can be physically needing to be released from their clutches. However it takes place, the truth is, this was a chameleon imposter. They did their job well. Most of us try to go over a scenario and blame ourselves for not picking up on the signs. I recently retraced my steps to where I married my husband. It was just as perfect as I remembered 20 some years ago. He was just as perfect as I remembered 20 some years ago. They know a superior product when they see it. And they want it. The mafia has done this for years. The Mafia Kings Marry decent good women. They need that support. Many times these women never even knew what their husband did for a living. I feel a void now that I have been released from the clutches. And it's taking a lot to understand that, although a person might be shaken after being dropped off by their abductor, they need to snap out of it and run for safety. They cannot stand there in the middle of the freeway wondering why this person "didn't want to keep me" . We need to shake off the stupor. We need to go out and fill our lungs with fresh air. If you vomit, you do not stay there examining the vomit. You do your best to contain it and throw it away and cleanse yourself of whatever it was that made you sick. Often times, you no longer want to eat that very rich cheesecake perhaps that made you sick. You learn to wean yourself off of it! Play uplifting music. Stay away from things with romantic lyrics. Listen to Some Earl Klugh. David Benoit. It will get better. Laugh every day even if you have to find something extremely silly on the internet to make you laugh.

[@janeanderson7122]

A J so true. It was always something. I never was good enough. Not like what’s her-face at work, who was so perfect, and had a better neighborhood, better neighbors, plus she stroked his ego! Even people at his work talked about them acting like they were a pair. He was so high, he liked that! Really was over the edge, but he did have another problem. Some of you KNOW what that was.

[@brittanyg2529]

Yep and sometimes we are stuck with them for 18 years

[@hobi-1kenobi309]

Let's all repeat together: It's 👏 not 👏 about 👏 me 👏

[@estherdavis3075]

Hobi-1 Kenobi exactly i really need this my xmas ruined just by me narc demonic sister

[@patriciachristianson8986]

Thank you,Dr. Carter.I know the pattern well.You have to hide your happiness because they can't stand joy.Even peace drives drives them up the wall.Listening to your videos really helps me.Thank you again.

[@maryconway2828]

Thank you it really makes it easier to remove your emotions when you have this perspective 🎯

[@virginiafonacier8795]

It's not about me!

[@bronwyntanner4501]

yes yes yes

[@robynbrouckaert8304]

I've noticed they change the narrative as often as they need in order not to be accountable for their words/actions

[@marthaokelley9360]

And man, are they good at it.

[@McHrozni]

Yup. The very idea of an audio recording drives them insane :)

[@okaycola2]

everything they do is bc of you (except for their wins those are THEIRS ALONE) 🤣

[@kikyaaakun]

Just think about what he did make me irritated 😤

[@Dani.G1975]

So true

[@kimberlydalessandro2156]

If they do something unusually kind beware. In time you'll find out exactly how it benefits them. Their gifts aren't freely given.

[@janeanderson7122]

Kimberly Dalessandro This is so true. They are just all about themselves . period, but can fake caring if it benefits them, and keeps the victim off-kilter.

[@Jen-hb3lp]

I could tell you 1,000 stories where it was basically “I’m taking your gift and leaving”. So gross.

[@raymondgarafano8604]

YUP, always a fish hook in there. Much easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a narc to ever be genuine and sincere.

[@maureenwoodard9588]

So true ! I’m with a malignant narcissist and he is dangerous

[@bluelight8996]

COMPLETELY AGREE!!!

[@janeteholmes]

The most important thing to know about narcs is you can’t win. There is no way to have a close relationship with them that doesn’t hurt you. Keep as far away as possible.

[@user-vr5fb7cm3o]

They are your enemy, even when they are acting nice. They use you while hoping you will suffer and fail.

[@Automaticman88]

Also don't show them your drugs...

[@aujkalenic4203]

I already have won when I discovered they were not my Creator, heeeeeehe

[@calebcarpenter421]

A STRANGE GAME. THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY.

[@Jezebel066]

I have chosen 3 narcissist in my life as a partner. I fall for the love bombing, I think bc I have daddy issues I didn’t realize until later in life. Abandonment issues. So I have a trail of failed relationships, so what is wrong w me that I choose these men??

[@miladydewinter8551]

They are actually the dullest most boring people ever when you get past the superficial smokescreen. There's absolutely nothing of interest to them because they have only 1 interest which is themselves. Any other subject at all bores them. I've noticed they normally detest children and animals as they take attention away from them. They will pretend to like them but be viciously cruel in private.

[@evewhite6441]

This is so true!

[@kristenbrown4526]

Omg. This statement is spot-on! Totally accurate! I'm copying and pasting it into a text to myself.

[@marclee1657]

So true... Animals smart enough to recognize deez ppl... Moreso than us humans... 🐕

[@crsh2007]

That makes so much sense, because I’m always told that I’M the ‘boring’ one 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔

[@darrinkemp1755]

You're right. Of they were actually interesting they probably wouldn't be narcs.

[@Tarsarian]

My biggest problem with a bad narcissist is how draining the relationship is.

[@karlakt8285]

Tarsarian I aged 8 years in a 2 year relationship with a manipulative narcissist. Took me one of those years to get away from him. They are the most dangerous kind of human.

[@gailremp3628]

The true understatement of the day...

[@gailremp3628]

Karla Kissiah-Teal totally get it..24 years with a narcissist and then moved down to be with mom since she was older and needed help. And-she was a forever narcissist. So I look like I've aged about 176 years in the last 30. So just hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. And know that you did the very best that you could can do at that particular moment. That is the heart of PTSD therapy. And the rest of it is moving your mind, your body and your soul to a safe place so when you get those little twitches of guilt you transfer it and get rid of it. You will be OK I promise you. And if not, we'll get together and drink bloody Mary's. How does that sound?

[@karlakt8285]

Gail Remp I’ll take mine without the celery, please! :)

[@ladennayoung2939]

Because there is no relationship with them of any kind. It is all about them.

[@adelie8136]

I replayed the part where you said, "When they're mean, it's not about you," because I really needed to hear that. Thank you for your videos!

[@itsallgravy7]

Amen

[@kellyj4716]

Same I’ve watched this video everyday for the last month multiple times a day

[@loris4142]

When I learned that it wasn't about me, it was the beginning of a whirlwind learning process. I grew soooo much. Found my self-esteem. And finally left. His flying monkeys have been grounded. They are my friends now...they barely tolerate him & only out of pity. He is now a homeless drug addict with little to no supply.

[@alisonlove5144]

same here.

[@CharisToTheWheeler]

Whew chile 👏🏽

[@Liberty-yp8ux]

Dealing with a narcissist can make you feel like you’re a narcissist. It’s an non ending cycle that rubs off on you Trying to just survive it

[@stevedyches4635]

Narcissism often begets narcissism. I've recognized it in myself. It comes from years of being abused by another narcissist, usually the parent(s). As a way of coping and self-preservation. It can kill one's spirit causing them to become jaded, seemingly uncaring and stoic. Victims tend to become at least somewhat narcissistic. Wanting their needs and desires to be met for a change after years of neglect and dis-satisfaction. I'm not as bad as I was. Once I became aware of my Self and traced the cause of many problems from my past back to my self-serving and indulgent ways I wanted to change for the better. I realized how many people I hurt as well as my self. Being a bachelor all my life made it easy to focus on myself mostly. Solutions are often simple, but not always easy. A narcissist can change. They just don't usually want to. To change is the same as admitting there is something wrong with them. Their foolish pride won't allow that. It takes a severe consequence to cause them to merely consider such a thing.

[@candywarmuth2455]

OMG, totally. But a narcissist would never think they are one.

[@stevedyches4635]

@@candywarmuth2455 If I may suggest they are more likely to deny it and/or justify it and desperate to hide it, if and when they become aware of what they are. They certainly don't like to be identified or exposed as a narcissist. They know they are flawed and are ashamed for it.

[@TiffTheTyrant]

Liberty 22 I totally agree. when I broke up with the narc I was very concerned about if it was actually ME who was the narcissist. That’s how much he had manipulated and blamed me that I actually started to believe all the things he told me. He was always forcing me to apologize for everything and took zero responsibility for anything. Thank god I found the strength to stand up for myself and leave after 10 months. Nobody needs that. Yuck.

[@coffee4dayz19k4]

That’s called ‘narc fleas’..... it makes you question yourself even more once you’ve left.....

[@linwilson2938]

I have finally started paperwork on removing myself from this pathetic human. It's almost 50 years I have put up with this. My biggest issue lately that haunts me is I have wasted my whole life thinking it was something I was doing to be treated like a doormat. Oh God where were computers and you 50 years ago! Thanks for all the hope and help you give.

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

You are not alone. I think all of us stayed too long with an individual like this. Some marry narcissist after narcissist, because they don't understand the whole pattern. Be kind to yourself.

[@melisherwood9734]

lin wilson It was a long time for me as well, but we do what we can with what resources we have. Forgive the narc and forgive yourself. Bless every present moment you have free of abuse.

[@linwilson2938]

@@melisherwood9734 Yes, I will forgive him someday but not ready now. I have more healing to do first.I try not to hate him because I know he is broken. This is horrible . I will be ok and I can not WAIT to be free and feel what it is like not to have this misery around me anymore.Thanks for your kind reply.

[@melisherwood9734]

lin wilson I wish you much happiness! It was many years of emotional turmoil for me as well. I was going to leave him when he became very ill with cancer; as always, I pushed through the impossible and took care of until the end.

[@june4033]

I understand what your saying. Been married to one for 45 years. I have wasted my whole life on this relationship. Hope one day I can leave too.

[@LibsRockU]

Real dialogue happens when BOTH parties communicate, not one! Narcissists have no interest in your feelings, YET you must be interested in theirs.

[@maplelassuk]

coldflame oh how absolutely true! Sadly...

[@LibsRockU]

@Nickhead87 It seems to me that language itself is an abstraction interpreted, and really, everything we experience is interpreted. Some people expect & demand that this fluid evolution must be made concrete. I could not disagree more yet even still, it MIGHT NOT be a bad effort, just don't screw up my life while you're attempting it. ...But I have met far too many of these types who will abuse whatever awareness they think they have. So I have learned to protect myself, and sometimes offense is better than defense.

[@faithabovefear1172]

So true, my favorite line was, " you love to talk & never like to listen".

[@freethinker4596]

Absolutely True

[@guitarplayerfactorychannel]

The amount of tone in their voice indicates just how much they feel about every little thing but will ignore any emotive tone you use to illustrate a point.

[@ShaylaLove21]

The relief of realising what's happening and being able to protect yourself is scary but a huge relief.

[@julianolan2860]

Big thanks from here in Australia. So helpful to focus on dignity and respect.

[@truartist5379]

Yes it is

[@taniesha945]

Yes. Oh my god. Thank you. It feels so good to be able to relate, as opposed to just experiencing it alone

[@ashleycurrwun4473]

Yes, she’s a few tears of sadness but suddenly you find you are no longer shaking in fear. You wake up and you can breathe

[@rachelsimbhu4383]

Yep ! Seriously !

[@vals74]

Well said! To the narcissist: Advice=Criticism Disagreement=Condemnation Logic=Argument Peace=Attack Love=Hatred They are very disillusioned individuals, that should be considered dangerous to anyone’s mental health.

[@Tiamoya23]

Facts!!!

[@ChauntelleARussell]

AMEN TO THAT SISTER!

[@wendym1256]

PREACH!! SO WELL SAID! 👏👏

[@westcoastpicker167]

Absolute truth!

[@victoriabell2447]

Damaged my mental health! Is my daughter and welds her power to control if I see my young 3 grands. So I can’t avoid and I do love her,not her behavior...

[@sophiaandre139]

My narc would always say to me:" Let me educate you...". This man was a joke. When I broke up with him, he couldn't believe it. Like I was supposed to live under his control forever. Oh! Happy day!

[@audreychipley2837]

Sophia Andre oh my gosh!!! 🤯 my soon to be ex husband said stuff to me like that too! “I want you to learn” “ I want to teach you”. I always told him that he was always the teacher, never the student

[@bonesgirl302]

Constant showing me “his way” and forcing me to attend by repeating, “Let me show you!”

[@elainebluett4229]

Sophia. I'm on my way out after 35 years of sham marriage. Cannot wait x I know that arrogance so well. Well done you and I'm - a following

[@msg472]

Oh happy day!

[@salonsavy6476]

Omg !,,, my narc was so Authorative ,, condescending,, he’d always cut me off while I spoke ,, and say !,,, Let Me Finish Speaking!!,,, people would be speechless!,,,,

[@nancyfrix6858]

Absolutely anything every move they make, has an ulterior motive.

[@SandriaGuest]

Nancy Frix I never imagined I’d see this but here I am.

[@billyg.2677]

Yup

[@freeto9139]

Sometimes there are ulterior motives, not always. Ideally there is discernment, knowing actions of ourselves, and others have consequences for which there is responsibility.

[@mimihoffy]

Nancy Frix this has been my experience, indeed. Completely predictable.

[@johnk4934]

Nancy & Sharon, I learned more about myself when I looked at the B&W thinking, (all or nothing thinking) and realized in my language I was often doing it myself. It wasn't a "they" / she thing, it was a 'me too, so do I' moment. Stoics from the Roman empire times, with war and upheaval, came to they could only control their own thoughts and actions. I'm working towards that...and it's getting me farther than critiquing her. She may never change. I no longer hope for it, I don't expect or need it. Okay, I'm not fully *there*, I still want it. But someday, I won't, and then I'll be healed and maybe that change will help her get healthier.

[@kimlarsson7259]

Narcissists are unfair. Being unfair is a central part of their lifestyle.

[@kamaliancirranoush1916]

True. To be a narcissist is to be highly disagreeable. Those who are highly disagreeable view a 50/50 exchange as extremely unfair to them. To them “fair” is more like 70/30 or worse, 100/0 and then still guilt trip you over their “kind and fair” treatment of you. I’ll pass lol.

[@kimlarsson7259]

@@kamaliancirranoush1916 The injustice is most notable i conversations. The narcissist thinks it's natural to talk 95% of the time, ignoring, Interrupting etc. When you want to have your share of space, you are considered to be rude and self centered lol It's disgusting. "Can't I even say one word!?" the narcissist sobs....

[@oklahomaisok]

My mother in law told me that life wasn’t fair & I’d just have to accept his behaviors, stay married to him to raise the child after I told him 8 years down the road how he was treating him. When I finally divorced him 3 years later she tried playing on my sympathy telling me he was so upset he was having stomach cramps & having to run to the bathroom all day. It was one of those “Well life’s not fair is it?” Moments right back at her.

[@tiffanyjohnson1676]

Very.

[@somelivesdontmattersldm8776]

Narcissist will not let you talk they always interrupt

[@demingfan1]

#somelivesdontmatter sldm but not a people who interrupt are narcissists. I have ADD and NOT interrupting is something I’m always working on in relationships.

[@crystalwaters3471]

That's so agrivating when he would do that. 😵😵😵😵😵

[@ramonguzman475]

Don't talk while I interrupt!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

[@nunyabusiness1637]

Word. And if you ignore them, they get louder.

[@TiffTheTyrant]

Nunya Business And when they interrupt you so much and start yelling that you get frustrated and accidentally raise your voice to tell them to stop, then they all of a sudden get calm, and say ‘well I’m in control of myself. I’m not yelling. Look at you! You have no respect for me otherwise you wouldn’t be raising your voice...’ absolutely CRAZY making.

[@davidthomas6807]

I loved a narcissistic woman for 42 years. It nearly destroyed me. To get out I lost all my assets and assumed all her liabilities. At first I lived often on the corner of the roof rather than in the house with this contentious woman. Now I live utterly alone in the wilderness. It’s better here. Her criticisms are like a constant dripping indoors on a rainy day and restraining her is like holding the wind in your hand. Like the man says, it’s all the blame on me. Her faultfinding has never ended, and was always expanding into new realms. I’m trying to rebuild my life at age 62 and recover what dreams I had when I was young. Dreams she crushed as she emasculated me bit by bit. But it’s a lonely road.

[@REJ5557]

David Thomas I grew up in a narcissistic family and this was the time I felt the most lonely. I now understand what it means to say that one can feel lonely in a crowd because feeling connected depends on the quality of relationship one has with others. After I left home at the age of 18 I lived mainly alone but never felt lonely, and this is because I began to rebuild my life by hanging around with healthy minded people. To me, there is no place more lonely than in a relationship with a narcissist. I hope in time you find your loneliness is replaced with a life more fulfilling than you could ever have imagined. Sending you my best wishes 🤗

[@integrityisnotforsale1531]

David Thomas ....61 and now trying to heal from, it seems, a third narcissist, which was the worst in terms of deception and purposeful manipulation as he was so covert. He clearly knew which buttons to press to have me believe he was deeply connected to me and we were planning an exciting new life together....it was all a ruse to get what he wanted and so insulting when I defended myself. He was drunk once and said “I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about all the people I’ve wronged”. Asking him about it when he was sober, he denied he said it. I must attract them....they are so cruel and do not seem to have real feelings...how can someone act so lovingly when it’s not sincere....so sad...such a waste of life....I wish you a happy, loving and peaceful life...which we all deserve....🤗

[@crusader2.0_loading89]

Im going through this right now, losing everything and that hurts even more than her leaving me

[@miladydewinter8551]

David Thomas OMG - my grandmother AND mother were the same. Ruined lots of lives. Evil.

[@elgieswift3498]

David Thomas, It's hard to start over at this age but being content alone is better than in the cycle of abuse of a narcissist.

[@julieankhan.2801]

What's predictable with narcs is that they will without fail blow up the relationship as soon as your onto them. Or question them/their motives.

[@Winterreise189]

Oh hell yeah, they'll send you some giant text chain about all these lies about how you're not giving enough, not mature enough, not understand enough, that YOU'RE the problem and they have done nothing wrong and you're a miserable, horrible person in the relationship that is "not ready for a real relationship", how they feel like they're your mother/father because apparently you can't look after yourself and they don't want to do it. This is all things I was told when I paid all the bills, did all the house work, all the cooking all the looking after the pets etc. I did EVERYTHING for her and I got told I was the complete opposite of how I was actually acting. And I believed it again and again until I said enough was enough and to get the FUCK out of my house. If you run into a narcissist. NO CONTACT, DELETE THEM/BLOCK THEIR NUMBER, FORGET THEY EXIST

[@oldiesfyre8591]

Very very true

[@oldiesfyre8591]

Absolutely true

[@johnhamilton286]

This is so damn true! My ex girlfriend, mother of my kids, as soon as I discovered her true self, narcissism, she became a monster, I mean a straight up absolute monster! It was a emotional rollercoaster ride that killed me. Everything was my fault, I was always wrong, nothing I did was good enough.

[@markcain9380]

I believed for years that I was wrong on trying to understand that thinking logical wasn't the the way to be. THANK YOU.

[@mistylynn111]

They are predictable and have a grandiose delusional image of themselves.

[@angelahagerman5693]

Yeah, they do Audrey...Mine use to look at his reflection when we would get fast food if there was a window big enough..He would purse his lips and move his head around to make sure if anyone was looking they would get his best...HAH...I never said anything to him because then he would curtail what he would do next and I loved it when my narc would make a show...

[@yoyoda67]

And dont fool yourself, they will never change!

[@Robidu1973]

@@laryneskridge-williams7200 Oops... that surely sounds like a genuine megalomaniac!

[@sebastianverney7851]

narcissists are exhausting. i like your talk. thank you.

[@kimvannote5024]

They are arrested developmentally - emotionally. Very hurt, angry, sadistic, malicious, vindictive, passive-aggressive and rebellious children. They feel powerless and helpless and still under the control of the original abusers and project that onto everyone. Every one represents their original abusers. They're stuck in it at the point of when they were traumatized, because they had no allies to protect them or stand up against the abusers. They are looking at you through the eyes of that very traumatized and abused child in them and they don't trust any one. It makes sense that they wouldn't, but you can't deal with them - they are extremely destructive people.

[@dalemurray4083]

In an argument I once demanded that a narcissist name ONE time she had ever admitted to being wrong about something, After a brief pause, She said "I was wrong to ever trust YOU". Looking back, it's hilarious, at the time it was just frustrating.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Classic. Dr. C

[@yoyoda67]

Textbook response.

[@daniellewatson9969]

Stupid bitch. She'll get hers. They become old, lonely, embittered @ssholes.

[@Westindiangyal1111]

That was funny how you said it. They are bullshitters for sure.

[@amiblueful]

I have a similar one. When he demanded that I do more for him I asked him what he ever did for me. A brief pause and then...."I LET you clean." (He didn't like me doing household chores....nor did he want to do them.) And yeah, looking back it IS hilarious.

[@patriciaearley4177]

Dealing with this guy was like going around in circles.Nothing could get discussed let alone worked out.Aways in a state of Limbo😬😶

[@oklahomaisok]

Round and round we go….exactly

[@tiffanymckimmey2240]

Yesss!! Never ending cycle I’ve been in for 13 years! Finally getting free!!

[@GrowWildOutdoors]

Exactly, while always saying that nothing can move forward in the relationship until we talk about things - making it look like it's my fault.

[@larrytruelove7112]

Narcissists think it’s their job to keep you humble.

[@ritaalamanou6611]

Yes, that is so right and I am married to one. Thank the web I have just discovered who I have been living with all these years.

[@larrytruelove7112]

Rita Alamanou I’m so sorry to hear that. All of us have a little bit of narcissism in us. Given enough encouragement, we can get more self centered all the time. Convincing a narcissist to seek help seldom works. I didn’t know enough about the subject to keep them out of my life. I have always known a few individuals who were so certain of their competency they would try to run everyone else’s life. A couple that I knew were very competent in certain areas. But other narcissists that I knew left destruction behind them.

[@johnk4934]

I need that reminder; especially on the days it hurts the most to think and feel it isn't something I do need.

[@joannajohnson696]

That is so true.

[@elyse3332]

So true! When I asked my mother in my adulthood why she never said she was proud of me for anything, her response was exactly that-I didn't want you to get prideful but keep you humble.

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

And wouldn't a narc hate being called predictable!

[@sherrim4067]

Oh yeah, it's the bad behavior that's predictable, I had to lower my expectations. I fully agree with you.

[@Mickeyj26]

Especially if you said to them they are so predictable that they are boring......watch the rage come to the fore in a split second!

[@dianem2136]

Oh, my gosh yes! I called narc out on his predictability, and he did not react, until a few days later, in a veiled comment about SOMEONE ELSE ("daughter") saying to him, "...I knew you were going to do that..."., and he said he quit talking to her.I know he was referring to ME calling him out on BS just a few days before. He does this quite frequently (veiled comments/threats)...PREDICTABLE!!! LOL

[@kirstenricho]

Nancy L yep thats why I always tell mine he is

[@justdawndb]

@@Mickeyj26 I had to laugh at that, because I can see the explosion!

[@lorrieswan8568]

Is that why I am on the edge of bat sh.. crazy? I need to be on my own for a while to clear the cobwebs out of my head then. Thank you for this.

[@valerieparker2242]

@@godzillamanstreb524 Me too. So does Assclown!

[@janeanderson7122]

wish I would have known all this 50 years ago, but he was sort of tolerable at the beginning, and I was used to a narcissistic male, my mother’s brother, an thought my narcissist was normal big-head male.

[@Sojourner927]

Look up gaslighting. That causes psychological problems/ bat sh#t crazy. The longer you stay in the harder it will be to fix yourself.

[@michaelpines4448]

They all appear to have the same characteristics, having had to deal with such people over the years, I’ve realized the worst thing you can do is try to reason with them, don’t interact with them.

[@Peace-tk3gr]

Narcissism is a spectrum. There are degrees of this disorder. Know what the red flags are and keep solid boundaries. Some people go 'no contact '. In my situation I have reduced the amount of contact. Also, forgiveness is important - not for them, but for you.

[@maplelassuk]

Sheryl Ross-Adams Halstead this is so true. I have had to detach myself, I'm polite but can't enter in to anything with the 2 in my life. It's helped me to learn from this video, and all the comments, they affected my mental health so much.

[@june-mariehamilton5455]

How do you forgive someone who has ruined your life and fully intends to continue doing so?

[@Walsh25]

June-marie Hamilton you have to but you don’t hv to deal with them ever - and then you rebuild 💥💥💥💥

[@roymadison5686]

Forgive to release the poison within you they have built up , once free then have firm boundaries and distance yourself. Have CHrist and the gospel as a shield. With understanding comes wisdom.

[@laurawhitaker1797]

June-marie Hamilton I agree. Rather than forgive him, which I cannot do, I am working on not being angry with him by accepting that I cannot change the past and him along with it. All I can do is move forward and rejoice that I have created the independence to do so.

[@kristabell5107]

It took me about 48 years to truely grasp “it’s not about me”. Feels good.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, it feels good to find freedom. Dr. C

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

Same here. That’s not my guilt to take.

[@gigiw.7650]

Here's something that has helped me on the way to healing. Q- quit T - taking I - it P - personally. Not easy at first, but with practice, it becomes more natural. Y'shuas peace y'all 💖

[@楊宜強]

Gigi, you reminded me of a "friend" being condescending to me then telling me not to be offended. I simply said I'm surprised (left out I was trying to understand what caused her to say such things). Then after she said I shouldn't be offended I told her I've had lots of practice at not taking offenses as offenses. Later in my church I was able to tell a large group, DON'T BE OFFENDED to all their relationship problems and it helped them as I had been helped. Thanks for sharing Gigi, it brought back memories of overcoming tough situations.

[@goodgracious6364]

also ..... G=Get A=Away F=From T=Them!

[@keariewashburn4680]

I like your comment!😊 I will definately remember QTIP lol 😂

[@chrissemenko628]

​@@goodgracious6364 And... S =STAY A= away F= from T=them.

[@hobi-1kenobi309]

These vids are SO VALIDATING. And they're also helping me so much in my interactions: I can observe what is going on and can handle the conversation accordingly without walking away from it feeling confused and/or intimated. It's empowering. Thank you!

[@jikrukowski8649]

Thank-you.....This show is a God sent and helps sooooo many people. Thank-you Dr. Carter.

[@buttercup1765]

So funny...I was just going to leave the save exact comment!!!

[@victoriavmh]

I agree.. I am dealing with this with my adult daughter. I finally am standing my ground even though it's heartbreaking.

[@patriciasamuel2443]

@@buttercup1765 b cc"ccc x"xxxxx b.c. GB cr 43n3b bfg hmmm33 re33m are3b; ui high hun for me and I'll get you to

[@danielwiltshire8131]

How often are the Dr less Carter lives please

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Victoria Kristine Hugs 💜

[@maryrichardson6029]

"It's Not About You" Very Hard to take. NO CONTACT . NO CONTACT.

[@desibec]

Very good and very true. Unfortunately, it takes so long to learn these lessons when it's family members.

[@Misslotusification]

And what to do about them?

[@Tiamoya23]

Facts

[@wittelarry1]

Especially when they are your kids

[@jencameron8124]

All that truly matters is that you/we learn from our experiences through all this and come out of it with our hearts still intact. Blessings.

[@jcreole5222]

Very true. It takes ages when you are a child with 2 narcissistic parents. But when you are out on the other side you realise you learnt so much from it. I was sooo confused as a child and felt I was good for nothing and felt I had to lie and pretend to be perfect while I felt so different deep inside. Now I realise that was not me. It was because the narcissists were throwing all their problems and behaviors at me. As survivors of narcissists I feel we are better placed to understand how low an opinion narcissists truly have about themselves in spite of all the 'super successful/super smart/super skilled, super capable/hardly-makes-a-mistake' image they project because they have been telling us who they are all along.

[@neuroticgypsy]

He treated me as if basic respect, empathy and compassion was TOO much of a burden on his shoulders. He truly could not offer this to me. It blows my mind.

[@sherrymathson1220]

It's unbelievable to me as well...I was in shock at his behavior during conflict from the beginning, & 6 yrs later it's no better, perhaps worse, he has no emotional control & I finally left a year after googling his behavior & bam, it's like utube docs know this man...I never knew such...this site saved my soul...out 5 mo & still sorting through the mess & the many abuses I wasn't even really aware of...it's a long road back to me but I am getting there! We will make it & create a good life, they never will, not capable...

[@GrowWildOutdoors]

Yep - you can ask for respect directly & get looked at like you're truly insane.

[@newshoundbc]

I recently befriended a narcissist. din't know until a little while into the relationship. The most difficult and overwhelming experience was asking a personal question. The reaction, (always reaction) was being very defensive, taking control of the narrative, ARGUMENTATIVE, ARGUMENTATIVE. Mostly in ready defense mode, they use rationalization, justification to argue their case, Generally illogical.

[@kyliegoodman6455]

The narc I am trying to separate from is always argumentative. You know...constantly taking the opposite side of whatever I present. Also is very extreme in thinking..."you either really love me or you hate me"...no in between for them.

[@ursulasmith6402]

Get away from that person.

[@jamesgazin9447]

I'm curious as to what question you asked. Have you considered that he might have considered your relationship too casual for the level of intimacy you were reaching for? There are things I'll talk about openly with a real friend that I would not consider sharing with a co-worker.

[@francinesmith8109]

@@jamesgazin9447 not what she's saying and you know that. Narc...

[@laurenholly1849]

Oh yes! The personal question, no matter how innocent, is always unwelcome!

[@nickyc1784]

Yep only nice when they are getting something out of it. Will do anything and everything to benefit them and no one else. Very mean at times. Lie a lot.

[@juneburns1565]

Spot on !!

[@marie-rosedaly4234]

they attack verbal and physical Dangerous!!

[@karenmyers3444]

Compulsive liars!

[@laurenholly1849]

Yep, sweet as honey, luring you into the role they want you to play. But would flatly deny they are doing that!

[@Walsh25]

Lauren Holly yep difference is we see now and that’s a good thing as most we learned the hard way -

[@gammalight1312]

This was scary on point.. I've noticed they like to micromanage every detail of the people around them as well.

[@stevedyches4635]

True, step-by-step direction and instruction when supervising a task. They often must supervise and interfere. With plenty of critical input and complaint when not done precisely their way.

[@mylabutz414]

Gamma Light You and Steve Dyches are so right it’s scary! Except Steve they decide on a project and always supervise! And everything has to be done exactly their way! I put up with this for many years before saying NO! Then they’ll follow you around hounding you about it. One day I got in my car and went to a park and sometimes a friends. So of course phone calls and texts, I’d send one text “I went to the store and I’ll be back when I damn well feel like it!” and no more communication until I went home. If he still kept on, I’d get in the car and go to a friend’s for the night. But I had to do that for several years before he realized I wasn’t playing that ridiculous game anymore! No one should have to live like that! I should have left years ago, I think I thought all men were like this so what’s the use! And I had 3 kids to take care of. I know, not sane thinking. It’s damn hard to think and act sane living like that! Thanks for letting me vent!

[@stevedyches4635]

@@mylabutz414 Yeah, the hardcore ones really insist on supervising, nagging, and harassing until their will is fulfilled and are the deciders of all things, showing no respect or interest in the will of certain others. They will restrict your will by continuously adding rules, and regulations and changing their mind. They will sabotage their victim's plans or activities for fun, spite, or revenge if they are angry with them, which they almost always are. They are insatiable and sadistic. They are completely self-centered and wanting to be served and admired. They admit to no faults ever but are constantly pointing out and complaining about the faults of others I've had three girlfriends like that, but my main experiences with narcs have been my mother and two older sisters. They will lie and slander to turn others against you. Always plotting and scheming to set you up for more abuse and ridicule. They suck in every way. They go to extreme measures to protect and preserve the false image they have carefully crafted for themselves and to maintain the poor image and reputation they have created for others. I could seemingly go on forever, but I won't. Thanks for letting me vent a little more. It seems somewhat therapeutic.

[@gammalight1312]

I've learned to stick up for myself in a calm but firm tone and say; "I can't afford for anyone to dictate my schedule right now" Or. "You gotta stop micromanaging my time, b" Or. "I really don't feel comfortable / able to do that, it's stressing me out / overwhelming me" When it comes to mean girlfriends or boyfriends. I think it's best to make sure you know for certain they're an empathetic person that appreciates, respects life and beauty for what it is before you commit to a relationship with them. Artists come to mind. To listen to your mind and choose the person you want instead of letting emotions drag oneself into a relationship, is a criticality overlooked approach. Love from the heart still flourishes either way but choosing the former approach gives better odds for longterm successful synergistic communication. As an empath, i know i want a girlfriend who loves plants and animals, who appreciates art and good intentions. Before, I'd just find who was nice to me and thought i was attractive and vice a versa. I never thought about their intrest as more then something to get to know. Now i know their interest reflect their psychological personality traits. The problem's finding people who are aren't attracted to their psychological opposite, i.e. someone who knows in their heart of hearts they're empathic by default. And they know they want their significant other to be their cheerleader as they'd be theirs. Good people exist but they need to be chosen, not dictated by majority chemical fait alone. At least this is where i see I've gone wrong. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who's had some rough experiences. You guys sound like very nice people, to me :) It's time to choose our life.

[@d74morris]

EXACTLY

[@dabuya]

I thank God for the clinical psychologist that rescued me from an 17-year marriage to a destructive narcissist. It’s amazing how one begins to believe the false reality of the narcissist to which he or she is married. Even though I’ve long since moved on in life, I find your descriptions and explanations reassuring and therapeutic.

[@jbtalt]

Dr. C...oh where were you 30 years ago?! lol If I had heard your words way back when, BEFORE I absorbed all the negative stuff thrown at me, my life could have really been different much sooner!! Thank you...it's still very validating to hear NOW.

[@eatyourchocolate4862]

Don't blame him for your unwillingness to walk away

[@cairosilver2932]

I'm glad you've found a way out and have good things to look forward to

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Eatyour Chocolate She wasn’t blaming him - she wished she had available to her all of his knowledge and guidance long ago, as many others of us here do too.

[@eatyourchocolate4862]

@@christinebuckingham8369 if anyone has any commmons sense they will get out as soon as they get the get the feeling something is loose up in the other persons head you can only be responsible for yourself and your own mental health

[@PPMOCRG]

Eatyour Chocolate You obviously don’t know much about psychology. Maybe be quiet and learn something.

[@rbthompson3]

It's incredible how they treat you horribly by cheating, lying, blaming, etc but want revenge because you woke up and want nothing else to do with them. It's like the child who gets mad because you wouldn't let them make up the rules of the game. Or you quit the game altogether. These are severely emotionally and spiritually underdeveloped people if you can even call them people. They're more like monsters in human form.

[@eleanorde-hayes7760]

A very uneasy game! www.amazon.com/dp/1077357990/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_yVPpDb4FTJY9M

[@sharonkobialka518]

Big shock huh?

[@floridagirl5250]

Tell it!

[@princhipessa1969]

Thompson Family truth !!! Do they even remember all the crap that comes out of their mouth?

[@kimlarsson7259]

When I said no to my sister and ended her abuse, she lost her mind and was terribly pissed off. She continued to punish me in several ways, but she herself didn't even care about the law, or me....

[@joannajohnson696]

I am at the end with a narcissist. It is an unlivable situation. I have never been so unhappy in my life.

[@katherineshaw1]

If what you say is true, then your narc is still controlling you! Forgive yourself and move on!

[@christinebeames2311]

J Alexandria do not give him power over your happiness , you made the decision to leave , so well done , you are not responsible for him , xx

[@deborahday1786]

They thrive on making people who love them, miserable. It’s almost the only thing that seems to give life to their emptiness.

[@yoyoda67]

Best of luck breaking away...

[@joannajohnson696]

. Thank you for your kind words & thoughts

[@yurizafurizaki5574]

"Narcissists can be illogically defensive." this is so true. One time, he said something, i don't remember what it's about, but I wasn't aware that i was being lengthy in my response, because that's what I normally did with everyone else and nobody complained. But somehow, he got offended by my response and said, "what are you talking about? Sounds like you're trying to teach me." I wasn't. I was just simply telling him my mind about something he said. I was taken aback by his response. Why would he take it that way. It's just a normal conversation, people can be wordy sometimes to get their points across.

[@francinesmith8109]

They think they're superior and all knowing and cannot possibly be taught anything at all.

[@yurizafurizaki5574]

@@francinesmith8109 true. they obviously need plenty of lessons. They lack wisdom.

[@ashleycurrwun4473]

Yes. Constantly defensive. About everyday normal things.

[@Chae_shay]

I'm coming to this video for the same reason everyone else is, but I can't help but crack up at the sheer frustration in these comments hahahahahaha. It really helps me understand that I'm not crazy.

[@lesliwhite2481]

WOW! Thank you for such encouraging words... sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind... they are very controlling. Dominating... so THANK YOU!

[@Robidu1973]

It's all part of their stratagem to keep you in check so that they can continue leeching on your energy.

[@LL-eg4er]

When we first met, I asked him how many relationships he had, he said there were many... and I thought it would be different with me! Good to know it was never about me, I was merely the next player on his stage. I said “was”, as I left the stage.

[@oscarwilliamson1128]

L L,You don’t need a narcissist in your life…

[@snowbird9660]

Oh yeah!...they’re “special” alright, but not the way they think.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on. Dr. C

[@sherrim4067]

In my experience, full moon , tired Thursday nights, Sunday nights, Monday morning and Monday nights are predictable problem spots. Anytime there is a transition between work or home and family. They don't multitask well at all. If there is a negative and not constructive criticism to be had, you better predict the narc will find words for you and about you. I look forward to this video. As a commerical seafood harvester there is a saying " if you see the fins, you can figure out the fish". Once.you realize you have a narc in your life and you know those characteristics of a narc, you will be able to navigate your situation with some predictably.

[@wolfgang7812]

Shouldn't that be now you you see the fins you know the shark?

[@laughingwaters8309]

Sundays were always the worst! Holidays and anniversarys were bad too. Vacations were ok in the middle...but getting ready, packing to go or leave and the like were always terrible.

[@sherrim4067]

@@laughingwaters8309 you are so right, I just remembered our trip to Aruba. One of the prettiest places on Earth,, and we had a huge fight, I'm surprised the hotel guests didn't call security because of the loud voices after hours. I haven't taken a trip with him since and it's been over 3 years.

[@happyme3556]

Well said. And the fish saying is smart. Simple. Sometimes the narc tosses around that we forget to just relax and look at them in a simple form.

[@happyme3556]

@@laughingwaters8309 yes yes and yes. Sunday night's especially. LOL what's up with that I wonder. ???

[@karysinc12]

Totally accurate. I would add one more predictable behavior they do ALL THE TIME: projection, projection, projection. Everything they accused you of doing, they are doing themselves. When you start to understand that, it becomes very liberating.

[@ellie1595]

This is SO true!

[@hogar2100]

I was "lucky" enough to have several narcissists in my life ... Sometimes I wonder how on earth I managed to survive till now. The thing is, all this made me tougher and smarter person, looking forward to declaring myself narcissist free (hopefully) in the near future.

[@_ladybird]

I managed to leave a narcissistic husband after 9 years (and 1 child). He was mentally abusive too. Made me feel worthless and acted like I didn't exist. He was also a pathological liar and wrapped everyone around his little finger. It was incredibly hard to break away from him. All his lies slowly unwrapped over our time together and I worked out he wasn't who he said he was and he turned on me, becoming physically abusive and having no respect for me as a woman or as the mother of his child. Even through our divorce he tried to control me and even bully my solicitor. He spun lots of lies as to why we broke up and I know they're not true, but I'm in a happy state of mind where I no longer care what he said about me to others. They need to see through him too.

[@targetedtruthergirl6726]

HI, WOW I AM SO SORRY. I AM STILL MARRIED TO A CRUEL MONSTER NARC AND CANT LEAVE DUE TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES BEING VERY SICK, NO INCOME, CAN'T WORK AND HE TURNED EVERYONE AGAINST ME SO NOBODY WILL HELP ME. I AM ALONE, REJECTED, NEGLECTED IT SEEMS LIKE HIS NEGLECT IS TO TRY TO HURRY ME UP TO DIE. HE IS SO EVIL AND CRUEL. HE IS NOT THE MAN I MET. I FEEL HOPELESS. I AM REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN HOPES OF MAKING FRIENDS SO I DON'T FEEL SO ALONE AND LOSE MY MIND FORM ALL THIS ABUSE AND ISOLATION. I HOPE TO HEA BACK FROM YOU. I AM SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH THIS AND I AM HAPPY YOU GOT AWAY OH HOW I WISH I COULD. TAKE CARE

[@fionasteele3238]

Thank you so much Sir .. I have experienced 48 years of this .. He even has Gas lighted me to think I am crazy .. Thank you so very much , you described my husband to the max .

[@targetedtruthergirl6726]

hI Fiona, I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM STRANGE ME REACHING OUT TO YOU BUT I TOO AM MARRIED TO A NARC AND MY CIRCUMSTANCES ARE VERY BAD WHERE I CAN'T LEAVE. I AM VERY SICK, NO INCOME, BEDRIDDEN AND THIS MONSTER IS SLOWLY KILLING EVERYTHING IN ME AND LITERALLY WAITING FOR ME TO DIE. HE NEGLESTS ME, HE HAS TURNED EVERYONE AGAINST ME SO THAT NOW I CAN'T GET HELP FROM ANYONE. I AM TRYING TO FIND FRIENDS JUST TO TALK TO SO I DON'T LOSE MY MIND. I AM ISOLATED, REJECTED, EMOTIONALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED, IT'S A NIGHTMARE AND HE'S NOT THE MAN I MET AND MARRIED. SORRY FOR THE CAPS BUT MY VISION IS BAD. I JUST WANT TO TRY TO FIND OTHERS WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THIS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE AND PERHAPS END UP WITH A TRUE FRIEND. I AM SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, GOD KNOWS IT'S HELL. I HOPE YOU WILL REPLY. TAKE CARE

[@ahart2355]

48 years??? Why did you stay so long ???

[@janeanderson7122]

Fiona Steele Some of us, because of a lack of supportive families, and life situations, cannot get out. Mine was merely an act of survival. I had a very mall, non-supportive family, head by a, guess what , narcissist!

[@ahart2355]

Jane Anderson sorry💔

[@sahdogwrangler5594]

@@ahart2355 I have also been married for 30 to a narcissist! I didn't realize until a short time ago, that there was a name for him & his abuse. I'm unable to leave but I can tell you that through therapy & videos like this one, I'm in a better place mentally than I have been in a long time!! I am finding some outside interests & meeting new people, raising my kids & being a stay at home mom kept me very isolated. Find your joy! Don't let him steal yours! Don't accept the blame for his unhappiness!! For many years I was told I was fucking worthless! Now I know I'm not!! Knowledge is power!!

[@angeldust7591]

The peace stealers. They broke the unbreakable With the slander and lies They took away the peace Severed the ties But it didn't matter, the hurt the pain They caused Who cares what others lost As long as they gained Shaking hands with one hand Slapping with the other. Causing hurt to the ones so close Seeking pleasure in seeing them suffer. So in need of control the dark twist Set so deep To prove yourself like crocodiles you weep So consumed with jealousy It pours from your mouth, your eyes Theres no competing with the sharpness of your tongue You manipulate so gracefully the old and the young “It was them, the did it, it was never me, Why don't you see it, what's the matter you don't trust me” They display and angelic character for all to see You may fool the others But you don't fool me. Thank you for the videos they really helped me to put things into perspective. 20 years and the games go on. Distance is bliss.

[@sherrim4067]

@@carolynpagliuca5657 I get what you are saying, but in Sunday school I learned Christ was both and is the lion and the lamb. Christ didn't make narcs, the humans did. Sometimes people who suffered from emotional abuse need to be bigger lions and break the chains.

[@sherrim4067]

Angel dust, I loved this poem, thank you for writing it.

[@sherrim4067]

@@carolynpagliuca5657 confess, what? Only God can save them. A victim of abuse can't save their abuser. As Christian's we are not anyone's personal Jesus. Carolyn I would re-read the parable of the lost coin. My limited recollection of the " one" found and its value, is a important lesson of value, and blessings. Sometimes the one found/ saved is yourself. Not someone else and clearly not the narc. That's their own journey.

[@angeldust7591]

@@sherrim4067 Thank you Sherri for your kind words :)

[@sherrim4067]

@@angeldust7591 Your welcome! Can you write another one about your journey to freedom, and strength and your victory of getting your life back? That's the page I want to write for myself, someday. Blessings and peace to you.

[@PSALM-23-TEA]

Thanks Dr. Carter! It's Not about you... well put. One of the red flags that you talked about that was obvious was their very defensive attitude. For every passing comment they had an immediate response, without any pause or thought.🌤️

[@christinelamb1167]

James C. Breckenridge Yes! Dr. Carter hit the nail on the head with their extreme defensiveness. My mother is a malevolent narcissist, and it is absolutely exhausting for me to try and have a conversation with her. Any comments or feedback I have about anything is considered an attack, and she is always ready with a "defense". Now that I know who and what she is, it's almost comical to sit back and listen as she defends, gives reasons, and explains in such great detail as to why she said or did something. Sometimes I want to just say to her "are you a 5 year old, or a 77 year old woman? Why are you explaining yourself so much?" But I now know why, it is because she has such a fragile ego, that she can't handle even the slightest hint that someone may disagree with her.

[@lisab7977]

Omg the BLAME thing- constant in my life with my narc! I have hundreds of examples, but here is the most recent and laughable one: our son got a puppy, who predictably chews things. I asked my narc if I should pick up my small rug so that she wouldn’t chew it. He said no, he will watch her. I was out of the house, came home, and saw the the pup had chewed the corner of my rug off. Of course I was upset- so he says: “SHE did it!” And pointed at her. (Really? Gee, I didn’t know that) He never apologized for not watching her like he SAID he would, either.

[@Dan-ud8hz]

“You don't understand anything until you learn it more than one way.” ― Marvin Minsky

[@TheFiown]

His mother and his aunt took me aside and told me to get out, to run, they said that he was Dangerous, his mother was terrified of him, at 14 he looked 20 and acted accordingly, he was over 6 feet and was a judo champion so could really hurt people physically. A few months into our 'relationship' I went into his atelier to tell him he had a phonecall ( I was told never to enter it ) and on leaving I saw behind the door a patchwork of magasine photos of women who looked just like me, pale sking dark hair blue eyes and I realised that he had gone shopping for his 'ideal woman', I felt like a thing, it was horrible, but I stayed, I still felt that I was the only person who understood him. When I was 19 I was drugged, taken to a mans home, beaten and violated and he told me that I was going to be abused by his friends then cut into pieces ( yup ! ). I pretended to be out of it during the whole thing and when he fell asleep drunk I escaped naked into the night and had to live with that but the five years with the Narcissist felt worse because he violated my head and my heart. He only took, never gave.

[@TheFiown]

@John Chrysostom Are we ever safe ? He took my best years and the damage cannot be undone but each day is a Victory. I can now see clearly, maybe too clearly but living alone has helped me feel, as you say 'safe'.

[@bonnie1097]

Omg. I hope at some point you reported it. Did you remember what that guy looked like?

[@TheFiown]

@@bonnie1097 We did a portrait sketch and showed it around for a week but in the end I just wanted to forget it and get on with my life rather than accepting being a victim. I kept it to myself for over 30 years. I was Young and since then life has thrown a lot more my way but you just have to move on or you wither ,,

[@flowersfromh-evanlakshmi7577]

My narcissistic ex bf brother started to laugh when we met. He said run while you still can. Run and don't look back lol.

[@shawnbrunelle3527]

I'm so sorry that happened, I have lost everything dealing with mine thought i understood her and could help but the more i did the more i was brought down, until the end i was removed from my home town and kids and family and friends. i'm just getting out now and trying to find the courage as every aspect of my life is controlled. thanks for sharing this made me cry, they could be so wicked.

[@mariaseidi4764]

Mean , condescending,insults , belittling you, uncooperative,anger outburst, distrust, suspicious...my God ,who can live with samebody like that...Loved this video ,you can see that Dr Carter have years and years of dealing with this type of people...This is one of the best channels on narcissism no douth about it ,they are so on point about the narcissism behavior that it's is freightening...

[@susandelongis885]

So devastating watching children raised by these creatures getting shredded. So difficult if not impossible to prove their behavior as abuse and they create tremendous dependency. Heartbreaking and persists thru generations. Doctor you are wonderful. Thank you

[@sandycovey7440]

So true. I lived with a narcissist over 40 yrs, feeling like I was crazy, damaged, not good enough. I finally saw through it and was preparing to leave when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was treated much better those last two years because I was “needed.” But I knew the game then and when he passed away, I was sad for him but relieved for me. Then made a new friend who was funny and charming, generous and had trouble keeping friends. (Red flag, anyone?) She was angry and judgmental, expected me to feel the same about people she disliked. She knew she was “self-centered” but said it wasn’t her fault because of her mother, etc. Finally she turned on me when I was just too tired of reassuring her and couldn’t give her the adoration she felt she was owed. I hope I’m wiser now and can see the signs earlier. Still I have to look at why I continue to be drawn to these charming sociopaths. That is MY problem and I’m making progress by spotting it sooner.

[@TheChelleyBear]

I'd venture to guess it's because you're an empath. Watch the video on this channel about empaths and narcissists. They know how to play us like fiddles. I hope you've managed to steer clear of them in the last year.

[@robinmartin7835]

I had no idea when I got involved with my husband that he had NPD. He unfortunately waited until after we married to let the “real” him out of the cage. I remained too long in the relationship because it was so difficult to reconcile the person I thought he was with the person he really was. It took me 2 1/2 years, but I finally realized things would never get any better. This was three months ago, and my heart is still broken, but this video really helped. Thank you, Dr. Carter. ❤️

[@SOliveira2010]

@ Robin Martin, I feel your pain, because I am going through the same, was 10 years married. He divorced me. Still love him and always will....

[@artgirl7480]

Susana Oliveira you most likely do not love that narc... you love and miss the dream of who you thought he was.

[@robinmartin7835]

Charlie Eagle Thank you. I sure hope so, because feeling like this is getting OLD. I’ve already wasted enough time on him, and just want to get on with my life. I appreciate your support. ❤️

[@gailkshaw]

At first, I thought narcissists LIED about who they are but the reality is, they really believe the lie. They aren’t technically lying, they just don’t see/don’t want to see the truth. They genuinely believe they are better, smarter, ___________-er thank everyone in their lives. It’s humiliating to be duped by a narcissist. But even the smartest person can be fooled by a npd. Often they are spewing their rage elsewhere, putting the best foot forward, until you are sucked in and have time and effort spent on the relationship. THEN, the monster comes out once you’ve invested a great deal of self into the relationship.

[@adh1541]

Robin, I stayed with my narc ex for about the same amount of time. Hard to believe so much damage can be done. Good for us for getting out as early as we did; most women stay much longer and end up much more damaged.

[@colski3333]

When narcissists come to us it is also healthy to look at what magnetized this types of people to ourselves ! They are not there just by an accident. As we are not in theirs. Lovely.

[@Stevros999]

Indeed

[@lynndupree1205]

I think the biggest breakthrough is when you understand the cycle. That when they are being sweet and seem loving, it's an ACT. Do not be lulled into thinking they have changed, or will treat you better. When you fully understand that they will absolutely abuse you again in the future, then you don't fall for the act. You keep your guard up. You begin to actively plan how to get out. Then you can start living your life.

[@nickiemcnichols5397]

I leave these people alone. They don't need me anyway, and I certainly don't need them. They suck the life out of others.

[@loveempress1447]

Thank you. I left my relationship because of these same reasons. I am single and happy.

[@pierreklee7490]

You have described my mother and stepfather EXACTLY. I have cut ties with them because I could do nothing right. I am less stressed now since having done that.

[@terriwhalen3618]

Exactly! Any time they show a kindness, in my case, gifts that are so overdone, off the charts giving. They will do this with an agenda, trying to set you up for being indebted to them. Also they brag about all the good things they have done for others and of course nobody ever appreciated any of it. They never forget what they consider to be injustice done to them ever and will ruminate forever with verbatim. The story never changes and they will tell these supposed injustices over and over as if they don't remember they told you yesterday. They grudges go so deep within themselves its almost scary. Beware of special gifts, especially if in beginning of a relationship! Watch out!

[@joec1212]

The problem with an npd is if you're not trained a good covert will snow somone straight to the alter. I literally prayed to the lord 'if this relationship isnt right take it from me' the next day we broke up. I was listening weeks later to videos on how to be a better man/mate and after bingeing them I stumbled upon one called 'I dated a narcissist'. I always thought that a narcissist was only men, and just an arrogant gym rat, or highly attractive successful man. I listened to the video and down the rabbit hole I went. By the lords grace in my opinion I was awakened to a whole new insight on people and psychology. Trust the process folks. It all happens for a reason. My heart goes out to all of the people who lost years of their lives with these people, but those times were real to you! Take the good with the bad and turn this bad situation for good. Thanks Dr. C you're wonderful in so many ways!

[@janasty08]

Joe c that’s really true. I prayed for that myself, because in our ‚subconscious‘ we knew it somehow but we‘re still struggling with our issues of denial, and so when that „lightbulb moment“ happened (the same way it happened to you), everything made sense! That was the validation & „answered prayer“ we needed! I removed myself as quick as possible, and I prayed for the courage to do it well. Sending out my prayers for everyone who’s fresh from the traumas of that toxicity & those who‘re still unaware of the danger of toxicity they’re currently facing. Sending love & enlightenment to everyone! ❤️

[@kesmarn]

All I can say is that if you're in prayer about a process of selection of the right mate, and you're watching videos on how to be a better man, some woman is going to be very fortunate that she found you.

[@katerinakiaha6925]

kes S Very true. Wish I could find a mate like that.

[@evenbiggeral5089]

Same here! I “dodged a bullet” on that seemingly charming, good looking, wealthy person who wanted to marry me right away. Funny thing was that the mask started slipping more and more to reveal the weak, angry, unstable person trying so hard to hide underneath.

[@joec1212]

@@kesmarn thanks very kind words. Like I said in the original post if you're not schooled on passive aggressive stuff and a borderline mind reader these coverts are very good. If they didnt have the excessive need for admiration they would be sociopaths. They live double lives and act with moral high ground all the while living a double life. I will say I believe in time it all comes out. My situation was a little over 1.5 years. I'm sure they cant go much past 2 without people seeing the patterns. That is always why you take time with people. Min of 2 years before thinking of being even engaged.

[@Dachdogoriginal]

When you see 2 narcissists in a relationship together it's one of 2 things. Disaster and a battle. Or they're absolutely in unison to destroy others. Scary.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes and yes. Dr. C

[@BewearTheAWAKENING]

It is really hard to find non-narcissistic people in this era. Thanks for creating this haven for people who have the sense to act like normal sane human beings. You're super helpful as always. Thanks Dr Carter !!!

[@REJ5557]

What I notice most about the narcissist is that they can abuse you and then blame you for causing them to abuse you. So the victim becomes the perpetrator of abuse. They go on to perpetuate the blame by gossiping with others behind your back, turning your friends and loved ones against you. They play the victim so well and easily garner empathy and support from others whilst simultaneously portraying you (the real victim) as the evil wrong doer, or in my case the black sheep of the family. It’s like one big drama on a stage where the narcissist controls the script and each actor is controlled into playing the part expected by the narcissist. That said, there is a solution that not even the narcissist can control in this situation and that is you can exit the stage, remove yourself from the play and leave the theatre 🎭 and the masks behind. You can’t be controlled if you refuse to be in the play. The narcissistic drama is all about them and “not about you” 👏👏👏

[@sunnydaye5942]

They are predictable to the point the more malignant they are the better you can use their games against them. Be smart stop being a victim and deal with Narcs like all con artists, rid your life of them. No time to wonder why they do what they do, they absolutely don't care about you so stop caring about and for them. Do not let them make you feel guilty for sticking up for yourself and leaving. Sometimes you just need to disappear from their life, calmly and quietly. Never tell them your weaknesses or plans.

[@ChauntelleARussell]

I torment mine all the time. It's become a past time when I'm bored. Ha ha ha

[@dianem2136]

@@ChauntelleARussell Does it seem like once you figure them out, and start turning their crap back on to them that you feel like you are "turning into" them? I think of it as "tit for tat" or "giving them a taste of their own medicine", or "if they can dish out the BS, they better be able to take it". Unfortunately, they are so "thin-skinned" (fragile, sensitive) that they take the littlest PERCEIVED criticism and blow it out of proportion, and get so angry. The narc I deal with is covert, and will USUALLY not outwardly express being angry, but I can always tell!

[@blueseptember2174]

Diane M and then when you finally do break down and act like this because you can’t take the crazy making anymore, they tell everyone and act like the victim.

[@sunnydaye5942]

@@blueseptember2174 of course, they project all they did to you as the opposite. Truth is there is a special place for them in hell.

[@ChauntelleARussell]

@@dianem2136 I am immune to his manipulations. I am not mean at all. More so like a therapist would do I guess I could say. But to him its torture. I dont look for him to do so. Its hen he contacts me & after he starts acting up.

[@howtoart9201]

Very liberating! The scales are coming off my eyes and I am seeing more clearly. Thank you for your work.

[@MarlaMartenson]

Great point about the fact that when they are rude and mean, it's not about us. But it is a challenge to remember that when we are being bombarded with insults and criticism.

[@terrymassie7656]

Oh Lord I say that, switching back and forth from, I know right to I know. Keeping my distance. If I have to spend time with make it short. Protecting my peace, space, spiritual and personal growth.

[@skuzapo9365]

If a jerk don’t love themselves, who else will? Not only are they predictable but transparent. Unfortunately nice people give them the benefit of the doubt to their own detriment.

[@yoyoda67]

Yes Narcs are so nice and charming to new people, they think they can fool anyone and impress the hell out of someone who is not wise to them.

[@ginawagoner7407]

Thank you... It is so nice to hear that ‘it is not about me!’ I am learning a lot with these videos.

[@deenalaykie5260]

As I lay here, just battered and hopeless, I hope to never quit hearing, "Its not about me!" Thank you from bottim of the peices that were once, my heart... Hello to all! How do I become a part of this community? There is nothing left of me or my family... Ashamed and walking in tears...

[@REJ5557]

Deena, you are a part of this community ❤️. I’m sorry to hear that you feel there is nothing left of you or your family but speaking now as someone who has been discarded by her family of origin and lost my beloved soulmate in life and hit rock bottom, that feeling of there being nothing left of me, resonates all too well. It’s been over 4.5 years since I hit my own ground zero and it’s been a hard journey to get to where I am now, but it has also been one of the most rewarding journeys I’ve been on and I can’t believe that I can actually say what I’ve just said, but it’s true. Once you hit ground zero all you can do is rebuild. But hear this - you now have all the time and space you need to rebuild yourself and your life on your own terms. These videos will help you along the way. They will help you to change the way you used to look at life and see it in a healthier and more positive way. Rebuilding your life takes time and it often feels like two steps forward and one step back, but remember this - even on that basis, you’re still moving forward on your own terms. Take all the time you need and God bless you on your journey. Sending you hugs 🤗 and best wishes ❤️

[@adrianocavalcanti298]

Unfortunately, it took me a lot of time to educate myself about narcs. I had to be dumped to start taking narcissism very seriously and find out that my ex is a narc. I went through every single thing Dr. Carter said here. I am still healing and I do recognize that overcoming any narcissist’s negativity and abuse is a really tough process. Not because I don’t wanna overcome it but because narcs overwhelm us in a certain way that if we don’t pay attention and take good care of ourselves, we may end up in a hospital. From now on, I won’t take for granted any red flag of narcissistic behavior from anyone around me. Keep in mind people that it is IMPOSSIBLE to reason with a narcissist and more yet to expect any empathy from them. If you expect being understood and respected by a narcissist, I should tell you that your expectation is not more than a fantasy/wishful thinking/a utopia! I know it hurts to realize that and/or go through all the pain after realizing we were in a relationship with the devil, but knowing who these people are as well as their patterns make us stronger. Keep your heads up and don’t look back! And again, it’s not about YOU, it is about THEM, THEIR madness and lack of empathy!

[@nowpresent2167]

Learn as much as you can about Narcissistic personality and its RED flags. Learn also about yourself, deeply because some of us get attracted to Narcissistic person repeatedly.

[@TrissM]

Also still healing... really weird and difficult process... totally agree with what you are saying dont expect reasonble communication or respect... dont matter what you do or show to them... completly insane situation the be in and when you get out of you are still confused and in pain. Good luck 🌹

[@adrianocavalcanti298]

@@TrissM hope you get well soon. Not matter what do never give up on yourself! We deserve better! Take good care of yourself and good luck on your journey :)

[@adrianocavalcanti298]

@@nowpresent2167 Yeah! I have learned a LOT ad I believe for the first time in my life my tendency to attract Narcs in my life. Well, things will be quite different from now on. i have finally come to terms with myself that I have to love myself unconditionally and do never put up with any kind of mistreatment from anyone. Life is too short, hence it is so beautiful! Good luck on your journey! Wishing you all the best!

[@rebekahshantz569]

It all falls into place in understanding the person when it has a name. When people incessantly and unnecessarily start disputes in order to get what they want although you want to help them it's frustrating because you really aren't qualified to help.

[@fhughes9050]

I have found that going no contact has been a great help in the road to healing from narcissistic abuse. Thanks Dr Les Carter for your very helpful insight into how these people with personality disorders actually think. It has helped me to realise that he will never hold himself accountable for his despicable behaviour and justice and fairness will not play any part in the separation process. This is important to acknowledge because we all know that we’d love to call the narcissist out on their lies but they have already moved on to manipulating the people around you especially if there are children from the relationship and their focus shifts to painting you as the evil witch in their fairytale life .All you can do is practice self love and self care and wait for their true colours to shine through eventually.

[@ck1425]

Hi all. I started listening to this channel b4 I separated from my very narcissist wife. I hired a lawyer and was scared out of my mind when I gave my wife that letter telling her that I could no longer live a life as constantly berated and belittled child. I could no longer take being yelled at, told everything is/was my fault, etc etc. That letter was 6 months ago. Five weeks ago, my wife moved out of the house leaving the four kids with me - which is definitely what I wanted AND what my kids wanted. I could go on forever, but I have a message for you who are still living with your narc partner. Try thinking about this, this is what I did. Knowing that your partner is a narcissist is a HHUUGGEE first step. 1. Educate yourself on narcissistic traits (i.e. this channel). 2. Learn to understand that how you are being treated is not your fault (this knowledge comes listening to this channel bc you realize your narc has very many internal issues he or she never deal with) 3. Start looking for a shark of a divorce lawyer - don‘t just pick one out of the phone book. Find one who has extensive experience with narcissists. (this is YUGE) 4. Ask confidential friends (those who won‘t tell anyone personal) if you can escape to their houses if you need to get away for fear of your life 5. Start writing the letter telling them you want a divorce. Any letter is ok. Even if you blame yourself, try not to in this letter. The judge and all lawyers involved will see this letter and judge you on it. Write that you are sick and tired of being treated like a sub-human and that you are scared of this person. 6. Make appointments with your lawyer and make a game plan of when to tell your partner you have a letter for them (if you think they won‘t accept this letter, then you have to send the letter to him/her where they have to sign to receive this letter. This is great bc it‘s anonymous before they see the letter AND you will get legal proof that they have received your letter. 7. In the USA, you need to start collecting as much evidence as you can 8. Only communicate post letter via email so each communication is time.stamped and recorded for all to see if they threaten you or your kids 9. Lastly, be care and know you are important. If you are religious like I am - God does not want you in an abusive relationship. Marriage is supposed to be like Christ‘s relationship with the church. What church do you know where there is psychological warfare happening against the congregants and everyone is ok with that? Probably a poor comparison. Narcissists are scary people. They may do anything if you remove your support.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Lots here...thanks for these helpful comments! Dr. C

[@ck1425]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Hi. I'm right in the middle of it all, Dr. C. I met with a church elder last week and he tried to shame me into staying with my narc wife and tried quoting Bible verses to support his position. I felt disgusted with his argument, bc I am a devote Christian who also knows my Bible well. God forbid I ever act like he did to another human being in the same situation. My wife is your definition of narcissist. I even wrote her a letter telling her the reasons our children want absolutely nothing to do with her & they refuse to see her on her court-appointed days. What did she do? Nothing. She has hurt me, yes, but moreso the kids and she REFUSES to see any fault of her own. It's scary and eye-opening, isn't it, to see the mental disorder of NPD? I pity her and so wish she could heal herself, but she can't break free of being the consummate victim. I can't go back to her like my church elder is suggesting. I will not validate her treatment of me and the four children just to fit a flawed interpretation of the Bible. I'm all for reconciliation, but forgiveness is a two-way street. We both know with a narcissist, there is no genuine two-way anything. God bless you for your videos. They are shaping me into a much stronger & informed person.

[@yasgym]

i'm waiting for that time when Narcissism will be a legally classified crime.

[@judybunch160]

Avocadolove it is Mental Abuse

[@venomagent76]

Like homosexuality

[@captainchippie4454]

You don't think that could set a dangerous precedent? Use your head dude.

[@beastvicious8672]

Criminalizing people who have done no crime. You sound like antifa, they have the same mindset.

[@dirkusmaximus9268]

Avocadolove will never be, but WE NEED SENSIBILISATION ! Let them marry themselves !!!

[@smartcontractsblogbyolgala3839]

I have learnt so so so much about what was happening, why I felt down all the time and why I could not put finger on what exactly is wrong between me and him... Gosh, this is so liberating... The amounts of blame were enormous and early in communication, but then I started to experience rage eruptions... that scared me... and then more of the same! Thanks a million, your videos are very very informative - I watched tons of them and yours are super helpful!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Liberation indeed! Thanks, Olga. Dr. C

[@peytondonna7262]

This older man I was dealing w had every single one of these qualities. Thank you

[@titiiti5567]

"CEASE PLEADING MY CASE". thank you Dr C.

[@dontpanic80]

titii ti exactly the phrase which struck me. Leave it all alone. Carry on. It doesn’t matter.

[@andycuz1]

Wow, this blew my mind. I’ve been friends with one for 30 years and finally quit. I spoke up for myself and told him some home truths. He would bring up relationships I had in the past and put me down. Mention my current one. This guy lived in a 1 room place drinks every night all his girlfriends leave him as he’s violent and he has no life. I finally pointed these things out to him and his response was “ why you being like this”. Exactly all the points you made. Wish I saw this years ago. I sleep better now I cut him loose. He lived over 300 miles away but still effected me.

[@alanwood5857]

That's great to hammer home the point "it's not about you". It's tough to make that stick if you have been around narcissists all your life, but is absolutely true. I've heard a friend say "they are not doing it to you, they are just doing it". Great videos!

[@kesmarn]

Dr. C, not a single superfluous word! It's an amazing feat to be able to pack so much wisdom into less than 14 minutes. But you did it. Hugs to Gus.

[@ellie698]

I think this has become my favourite video on the entire internet. I love this mantra.... Whatever they are doing.... "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU" 🙏❤

[@michelleblackwell2884]

My narcissistic husband is draining! He’s like a vampire stealing my joy!

[@michaelmisanthrope]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/nHLZmJWpl8uarqc This might become your theme song as you make a move towards liberty. I wish you peace,love, happiness, and joy to you and joy to the world.

[@lizchurch8679]

Leave

[@thekatt...]

Life is too short to waste it being unhappy. Unfortunately I wasted 20 yrs, but now, life is beautiful and no one can ruin another day for me. Spread your wings and fly my dear !!!❤️❤️❤️🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦

[@gusmonster59]

I agree with other here - leave. Don't waste anymore of your time with that asshole. He can't change and will continue to take it out on you. If he is violent, call a women's shelter and just go.

[@kholoudaladel9896]

I'm so glad I ran away before it was too late! You feel that they have all the energy in the world to play with your mind in an evil way! Above all, they have zero empathy or remorse which is dangerous....

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. This is so painful to recognize these traits and yet validation for what I lived with for many years. This information provides healing and a road map of what not to get caught in again.

[@terryyoung7356]

You hit the Nail squarely on its head. I've dealt w/ a person for nearly 20 years who simply cannot move on from the past. I'm not sure if this falls in the same vain as an Narcissist but this person is an expert in putting folks on guilt trips. Never admitting their Flaws but constantly reminding you of your Flaws. My remedy? I've decided to move on without this person.

[@chrismartin2123]

While its sad you cant have a loving relationship with your sister it would be even sadder if you tried and you were mistreated by her keep on surrounding yourself with positive supportive encouraging hopeful people around you

[@chrismartin2123]

@Susan Berg she probably is keeping distance because you are no longer easily manipulated easily used.easily fooled easy to believe negatives .they dont want to waste.time and energy on somebody who wont be easy prey and im sorry your sis may not be this bad but just keep these type of things in mind for future

[@alsacrime4806]

Teŕry Young Narcissists are known to randomly capitalize common nouns.

[@judybunch160]

Teŕry Young SMART. Do not look back.

[@Eddie-In-Las-Vegas]

Let me tell you one word that comes to mind after watching this man's very intelligent insight about what he has laid out in this video........"EXACTLY". Nuff said. 👍

[@USNBLUE]

Basically the Narcissist thinks he is God, himself and should be treated as such. Then reality kicks in and the Narc goes into a rage of anger because they just realized YOU don't worship them.

[@byhearingandhearingby6746]

Orphan wow. my ex literally went in a rage one day after i was trying to communicate With him about our faith...when he screamed "I AM GOD TO YOU!" my jaw dropped...

[@USNBLUE]

by hearing and hearing by exactly. Frightening when you start becoming aware of the fact - HE IS SICK. He has disease called Narcissism.

[@hotnexxx]

The irony isn't lost on me 😒

[@hotnexxx]

Orphan when I asked myself why some people have a personality disorder, I started to see the truth! It's stranger than fiction!!!! 🙃

[@godswarrior1239]

True that!

[@portiabrown2913]

Thank you as always for your wonderful, hope filled video's, you speak sense with compassion. Much love from England xx

[@lorene1782]

Great video, thank you. Learning about narcissists has saved my sanity. They sure know how to gaslight you, and you question yourself all the time and feel all torn up inside. The best thing I ever did was say good-bye to one. I feel so much calmer and healthier now.

[@alissacarter9979]

The Narc is making me feel like a shell of myself. Sad and true and trying to afford to leave with some sense of power of my own thinking again!

[@nancygreydee2608]

This describes everything about my narcissistic ex husband . It’s his way or no way, never at fault for what he causes.principles , morals,rules ,and laws don’t apply to him.my children and I are constant victims of his misdirected rages. No contact is so helpful for us.

[@blueseptember2174]

Nancy Greydee going through the same right now but with limited contact. Hugs!

[@suzanne4396]

It always astounded me that he would tell me I was wrong about the subject I have a Master's degree in; he knew more. He was right. With his barely-graduating high school diploma. ...and he gave me the silent treatment for telling him I was going for my PhD.