TempleOS | Down the Rabbit Hole

[@FredrikKnudsen]

If you enjoyed the music, Ryan Probert has graciously made all of it available on his channel. Here's the credits track, as I'm sure plenty of people are looking for it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iKnVq6KZaJqWprc If you don't have time to watch the full video, all you need is at 45:17.

[@movezie]

😎

[@alzheimergirls6397]

Fredrik is an angel and we don’t deserve him

[@aadamhughes]

You're rad as hell. Thanks for your entire catalogue of work. You talent and dedication to this art is a beautiful display. Thank you for sharing it with the world! :^)

[@duncansimpson9383]

Lmao

[@Mngalahad]

I need the whole video, fredrik senpai ^_^

[@kranziodelfantastico7433]

Having owned many birds through my life, I was wondering why his parrot was singing such an annoying tune. Then I realized: it’s always been listening to Terry’s randomly-generated hymns and was imitating their arrhythmic tunes.

[@aturchomicz821]

ahaha XD

[@luiysia]

that’s kind of sweet 😢

[@noodlefinger7275]

It sounds like a cockatiel to me-- my own likes to "remix" things we've whistled to him into his own songs; I wonder if Terry's was doing that, too? Music randomized by a computer, randomized by a bird...

[@sarahh2072]

It sounded like normal cockatiel banter to me? What part is odd?

[@thizlam4810]

Sarah H No way did that sound normal. The normal squawking sounded normal, but the 8-bit sounding monotonous repeating song didnt

[@tree-turtle9944]

"Forgive me, I forgot to remember why I love you" That's really heartbreaking

[@boardlife27]

That literally made me tear up

[@angiet7380]

1:12:07

[@Huacayan]

@@boardlife27 same, I felt his anguish

[@aeyde]

@@Huacayan 🥺

[@ratmankey]

"You are good, and I think I've made myself hatred for some reason"

[@FutaYuuta]

Man... That moment where Terry is in the midst of a schizophrenic episode, screaming at his mother, and he suddenly becomes lucid and remembers that she's a good person and he loves her... Makes me fucking tear up... What a horrible mental illness.

[@joshuakuehn]

My best friend in high school went on to develop schizophrenia in his 20s and I can't talk to him anymore. It breaks my heart. I miss him

[@wolfetteplays8894]

@@joshuakuehn who says you can’t?

[@goora1866]

​@@wolfetteplays8894 the voices

[@trainskitsetc]

Remember one schizophrenic patient who would end up screaming at some of the nursing staff, then stops dead, walk to the little kitchen bit in the ward makes a cup of tea then drink it in one gulp, have a pleasant chat with any other patient about then walk back over and continues as if nothing happened. Miss working on the wards, glad of everyone I met there, was a really interesting time.

[@saccorhytus]

@@wolfetteplays8894 the schizophrenia

[@alec7568]

"Mental hospitals suck but disability checks are cool." Relatable humour at its best.

[@garshtoshteles]

This cracked me up, sounds exactly like something my least stable friends from college would say lol

[@daaadoooo]

*"What's reality? I don't know. When a bird was looking at my computer monitor I thought, "That bird has no idea what he's looking at." And yet what does the bird do? Does he panic? No, he can't really panic, he just does the best he can. Is he able to live in a world where he's so ignorant? Well, he doesn't really have a choice. The bird is okay even though he doesn't understand the world. You're that bird looking at the monitor, and you're thinking to yourself, I can figure this out. Maybe you have some bird ideas. Maybe that's the best you can do."* - Terry Davis

[@daaadoooo]

@@mirmir8116 ok

[@thamrew676]

@@mirmir8116 chill they had the same idea, care for a cup of tea?

[@largilm1411]

He was a minor genius.

[@TheAnizenYT]

Something about his English makes me feel like even Satan would keep a good distance away from him

[@sakurasfish2115]

I think he's talking about himself when he said that...like he can't tell what's real or not cause of his sickness and he is a little aware of it sometimes but all he can do is try to live safe and do the best he can even though he can't fully understand the world

[@APCDraw]

"Forgive me for having to remember that I love you." Jesus, dude...

[@a15godzilla]

That's just real

[@ET-yc4ll]

This part made me cry, he has no control over his own psychotic mind but he has moments of lucidity when he can see how he's hurt her and apologizes, saying he's remembered he loves her. Tears.

[@alaksandutheexorkizein7634]

Up until that point I viewed Terry as tragic but comical figure. After that I was like 'ohh man...' didn't find him amusing at all afterwards. Only tragic.

[@iliketurtles2531]

I mean, all domestic abusers are like that.

[@ourseon2577]

@@iliketurtles2531 true but here it's about mental ilness more than just abuse

[@Bromon655]

“A bird can look at a computer monitor, but it can’t understand it… a bird is forced to live in a world it can’t understand” So sad, Terry had to live every day in a world he didn’t understand. It’s hard watching him struggle with his own mind so severely. I bet all he ever wanted was peace, to live in a world he understood.

[@ZombieKitty321]

That part really broke me, its like you can see on his face hes becoming lucid and almost seeing himself, then he immediately falls into a state again. heart breaking to watch.

[@Antibong]

And you’re such a master of understanding. King douche

[@libertyprime2186]

We live in a world only Terry could understand

[@user_abuser7]

I feel like that 24/7. I've been recently telling my mother how confusing and contradictory the world is in my eyes... It's hard to communicate to somebody how it feels to never be comfortable in your own skin

[@HM-Ventures]

You made me cry man, literally

[@Konic_and_Snuckles]

1:05:12 - That allegory about the bird looking at the computer monitor, and how it relates to his reality, was hauntingly lucid considering his past [deranged] musings. It's almost like a younger, healthier Terry-trapped inside a tiny prison cell his own mental illness constructed for him-had resurfaced, and was screaming for help at the top of his lungs. What a deeply troubled and tragic man, and what a cruel and confusing world he must have seen on the other side of that computer monitor.

[@MelancoliaI]

Sadly that's the schizophrenic's reality, a shattered barrier separating him from the rest of us. Watching Terry's deteriorating ability to communicate gave me such a sensation of absolute loneliness. I had a psych prof that said their paranoia actually bears out in reality: think about it. Someone like Terry sees the rest of us interacting in a multitude of communications and attitudes because we can access a shared reality. What's left for him? A tiny spectrum ranging from indifference to hostility, peppered with mockery, so uniformly cruel and disrespectful, such a thoroughly organized spirit of rejection thrust at him. But when that rejection makes its journey across the shattered barrier to the schizophrenic's world, I can see how it would look like a conspiracy: shadowy, deviant, relentless, purposefully obscure in its motives but ruthlessly precise in its executions. EDIT: To be fair, I'm not condemning anybody who grew exasperated with a guy who spoke in a mixture of hucksterism, arrogant superiority, and literal word salad. Nobody likes a spammer with a chip on his shoulder. But people absolutely need to be educated on schizophrenia in a sociological context in order to see the full spectrum of its ramifications for the individual, rather than the ruthlessly clinical communique of Medical journals and whatnot.

[@jace2802]

It was insanely deep.... I'm glad I seen this post I came back to this video to rewatch it just to see this part again... It was a very deep concept of his own mental health making it hard to understand reality

[@technomage6736]

Look up "Terry A. Davis on reality (RIP)" for probably the most lucid and self aware moment from Terry documented, which came much later than the bird clip. Terry explains, and I quote "There's something not right about my reality" and he elaborates further.

[@Noone-tb8jn]

I keep coming back to this video just for that part, it's so insightful and lucid. It hits me in the weirdest way, especially knowing so many of Terry's struggles and delusions. I wish we lived in a world where people with (mental) issues get the help they need. Terry deserved better.

[@zenzizenzic]

@@MelancoliaI +

[@CaptnMarvelous]

Every single Down the Rabbit Hole video: "Hahah this guy/girl/thing is funny!" "....Oh." "Oh.... :("

[@idontcareanymore7078]

:(

[@2st486]

@@idontcareanymore7078 you're not supposed to care XD

[@idontcareanymore7078]

@@2st486 aw shit you caught me

[@AndreQozine]

These videos are disturbing and scary =/ These stories would make great psychological thrillers...

[@usulu1]

Down the Depression Hole

[@chuck_duck]

“I like elephants and god likes elephants.” A true prophet

[@Sandux930]

I like fried chicken and so does god

[@fabiankehrer3645]

Adultery? Can be good. smelling farts? "Sodom" :D

[@StarsWithScars]

Classic god complex

[@SuperBadadan]

@@StarsWithScars Are you implying God doesn't like elephants?

[@danielfuentes5428]

Fabian Kehrer you heard it here first! No more eating ass lol

[@Ryan-Streams]

“I like elephants and God likes elephants.” I’d like to think there’s plenty of elephants in heaven. Rest in peace, Terry.

[@normanmai7865]

This is damn dark especially when you consider how scientists estimate elephants will be extinct by some point.

[@cococop6679]

@@normanmai7865 We’ll all be extinct at some point

[@fartquaviasdingle7876]

@@normanmai7865 we're within a few years of cloning mammoths, I'm sure there's at least enough Elephant DNA to bring them back if we need to. I hope.

[@allistairkumaran3582]

@@fartquaviasdingle7876 we can replicate the DNA, we are very far away from cloning of any kind.

[@fartquaviasdingle7876]

@@allistairkumaran3582 Scientists made a huge meatball of mammoth meat like a month ago

[@BRSoule]

Okay this is sad but Terry grumbling "Don't even know what a compiler is.... fuckin pope." under his breath remains to be the funniest fucking thing lmao

[@Arcvx]

The Virgin Yandere Dev vs The Chad Terry Davis

[@CommanderTato]

I see what you did there

[@waifu_png_pl6854]

imagine if chalex made his own OS. it would run like windows 98 on library computer lmao

[@jayjayjayjay2995]

@@waifu_png_pl6854 holy shit you called him chalex im laughing so fucking hard

[@kilgoretrout8896]

Lmao nice 🤣

[@berkethecinemaman8762]

To be honest Terry is like The God

[@graysongdl]

"I'm high priest of God's official temple, and my job is to look after the code." Not gonna lie, those words out of context would be pretty cool in a sci-fi "virtual reality" setting.

[@mohammadashik1823]

I actually quote from him a lot.

[@returnofthechickentendies2844]

That sounds like stuff you would see a corrupted AI tell in a distopic futuristic fiction novel

[@Enots7]

Warhammer 40k

[@pedroitalo8105]

@@Enots7 straight up adeptus mechanichus

[@QuestionableLogic_]

@@pedroitalo8105 Praise be to the Omnissiah

[@elijahchristopher3755]

"Forgive me, I have to try and remember why I love you." This guy was an untreated Schizophrenic for sure. I hope the people that know his story will show more compassion on people that have altered minds. I truly believe that a lot of the egregious things Terry did and said he had absolutely no control over. I think the challenge for us is to love these people despite the flaws that their diseases make so apparent.

[@Crawver]

The scariest part is that he was being treated. Just it wasn't enough. The American healthcare, and mental healthcare system is pathetic. He was getting support, but it simply wasn't enough, and he ended up still falling through the cracks. Truly tragic, but also truly preventable.

[@TheZINGularity]

In these kinds of situations i believe it'dbe very real and valid to send him to a psych ward until the right treatment is found and his condition can be stabilized. My brother also has schizophrenia but is living alone in peace & indefinite medication that works. edit: in Finland.

[@elijahchristopher3755]

@@TheZINGularity Good luck to you and your brother, divergency can be a struggle, but everyone is important in my eyes.

[@TheZINGularity]

@@elijahchristopher3755 I might have come off a bit misleading, my brother isnt being held at a ward or anything, he lives alone merrily in arguably better mental health than me 🤣But thank you in any case.

[@elijahchristopher3755]

@@TheZINGularity Of course!

[@MrSeventyAce]

Whoever pretended to be Physics girl may very well have helped kill him. The man needed help and was tormented instead. What a sad story

[@ShadowClaw22]

He was a racist fuck him

[@espositogregory]

Well, you gotta admit he was right about onething. The Pope probably doesn’t even know what a compiler is.

[@Flavlav]

At least he knows how to play undertale

[@sebastianguzman9903]

@@Flavlav but thats just a theory

[@waffleiron3695]

@Serpico THANKS FOR WATCHING

[@hemipemi]

The current Pope is very well educated and almost certainly knows what a compiler is. He probably couldn't write one though, so it's still 1-0 to Terry.

[@zcalex7660]

Plans for the Creative Commons wow the current communist pope is educated 😂

[@i8dacookies890]

1:05:31 “That bird has no idea what he’s looking at, and yet, what does the bird do? Does he panic? No, he just does the best he can.”

[@staweks]

oh man, this is part of the video which makes your hair stand on end

[@kilppa]

Oh yeah, that moment almost made me cry.

[@Gr33kChief]

This person makes me sick and the quote is interesting, its like a racist talking philosophically about life. 1:10:00

[@leorivas]

Yeah, that part let me thinking too

[@Gr33kChief]

@gabriel I don't care, I have no respect for him. He wasn't saying the n word randomly he used it in a controlled manner when talking go people. People who are schizo can't control the words they say often repeating the same word. I don't think he's schizo. He's just a POS who think he's the smartest

[@Rex_The_Mouse]

Seeing him just having a normal conversation with a fan at McDonalds near the end of his life was heartbreaking :c

[@davismark110139]

I know I’m way late to this but I recently was diagnosed with schizophrenia and it’s terrifying how going untreated can completely take away a personality and replace it with something so much darker, he wasn’t just a whack job he was sick and desperately needed help he didn’t get

[@anthonyvaccaro]

The person trolling him pretending to be Diana was more sick than he was. A really sad story.

[@poletooke4691]

What's the link to his story?

[@Stuugie.]

Do you have more info on the fake Diana?

[@funkychicken4509]

@@poletooke4691 I dont think he means the troll has his own story as well, but that he's just another fucked up part of Terry's story.

[@poletooke4691]

@Kid From 21 Jump Street Oh....

[@Rich_P_Anya]

Agreed

[@solophentii3468]

"So uh, who am I talking to? Um, I don't know. What's reality? I don't know. When my bird was looking at my computer monitor I just thought, whoa; that bird has no idea what he's looking at. And yet, what does the bird do, does he panic? No, he can't really panic, he just does the best he can. Is he able to live in a world where he's so ignorant? Well, he doesn't really have a choice. Yeah, he can kind of live, usually the bird's okay even though he doesn't understand the world, he can learn what's safe and what's dangerous. So, uh, that's where I've been living."

[@Frankiepals52187]

Solophent II this gave me an existential crisis

[@buddygang9834]

this Is actually super deep as crazy as he was, he makes some sense

[@Sly_Spy]

Basically how it feels like to be trapped

[@ProphetofTables]

@@Sly_Spy "I have no mouth, and I must scream."

[@Scorch428]

@@buddygang9834 You dont code an entire OS by being a total idiot. Sucks a lot of genius's tend to have these mental problems. A little lack of a chemical in the brain and any one of us could have turned out that way.

[@dementedcheesepuff99]

This documentary always breaks my heart because we lost a true genius to Americas garbage healthcare system. This guy was way ahead of his time, and was close to having a functional 3D printer in his garage over a decade before that would even be imaginable for the average at home inventor, and built and entire os with simulation games on his own. Had he at any point in his life gotten the professional help he desperately needed, he could have really been something. His life didn’t have to end this way and that’s what hurts me the most.

[@sonters]

It wasn't even a 3D printer, it was a milling machine, something still insanely expensive compared to 3D printers. Had that project gone somewhere, it very well could have led to an entirely different maker scene nowadays

[@CodFishay]

Don't forget he was racist

[@berej1]

@@CodFishay Yeah, that's just another one of his many virtues

[@AMbradfordfilms]

By most accounts he refused help for a long time

[@chadthundercock4806]

You can't force healthcare on people who don"t want it

[@anuli.]

watching your kid fall apart like this and yell at you has to be so mortifying. you love them the best you can and they end up hurting you. :(

[@MrShinyFish]

"For the next thousand years, first-person shooters are going to get boring. Tetris looks good" A true prophet

[@Amoth_oth_ras_shash]

109 Imps is on the Brutal Doom guys list from this day I think ^^ for the mortal sin on confusing large narrow sighted publisher decisions with the end all be all of fps's ;)

[@shupperwomp]

holy shit, Tetris battle royale...

[@thegrowers420]

@@shupperwomp duuuuude. Have a side bar that shows where the piece will go while doing a battle royal, you can change it's position by a jump slam or something (can kill people) and a charging run (can also kill) to move it over a lane. That would be huge for a week 🤣

[@wilsonwijaya.design]

he's kinda right. Tetris boomed up again for awhile and modern FPS are pretty mediocre.

[@sophiacristina]

Modern FPS is one game genre that will probably keeps till eternity...

[@ephraimmm9618]

"Forgive me, I have to try and figure out why I remember...that I love you." Damn. Schizophrenia's a bitch.

[@nicolajjrgensen560]

@Nathaniel Francois Ojastro 1:11:00

[@SapkaliAkif]

1:12:15

[@darklegion3693]

He is wasted potential. I feel sorry for the dude. If only he got the help he needed.

[@thefork4416]

Karma is too

[@Runescape.]

This video doesn't really explain how much of a feat this was for him to make his own OS by himself, compiler, graphics engine, sound engine libraries etc. this is something that most people couldn't dream to achieve in their lifetimes. It would be similar to someone building a car entirely from scratch, including digging up the iron and forging it into ingots, then machining those into parts and finally putting them together into a design they entirely dreamt up themselves. This guy was truly a genius on another level.

[@funkyfedora5972]

That's overstating it significantly. Terry didn't write a full modern OS, he wrote essentially a 64-bit version of DOS32 with a barebones thread scheduler and terminal/GUI on top. It's not even in the same ballpark as something like Windows 3.1. In your car analogy, he hand built a 1 cylinder lawnmower engine with the crankshaft connected straight to the wheels and 2 lawn chairs duct-taped on top. His JIT compiler is actually more impressive from a programming perspective. The rest of it -- the graphics library/software tools/games/etc. are not particularly spectacular when you realize a talented programmer had 10 years of free time with nothing to do but sit in front of his computer. Not pissing on the guy, just keeping things in perspective.

[@Runescape.]

@@funkyfedora5972 You realize that Terry didn't lookup on the internet how to code any of it tho right. He believed it was a sin against god to research that sort of thing because he wanted to find new ways of doing things so he would have essentially written it all himself and then he could finally phone home to god via the software. That was the whole point of it, a modern day noahs ark. He was instructed by god how to code it allegedly.

[@funkyfedora5972]

​​​​​​@@Runescape.I'm not too deep into the lore, but I don't know how true that is. The guy had been on the internet for years, had a masters in EECS and had apparently worked on embedded systems code for one or more companies before he became too disabled to work. He therefore not only had formal education in the basic theory of OS design and systems level programming, he also had experience with the actual low-level code of one or more commercial systems. Now if you told me he built his OS and compiler without ever seeing assembly code or consulting the Intel x64 developer docs, then I'd say he was a real genius. But as far as I can tell, he was just a talented programmer with a decade of time on his hands. All of the really tough parts of OS design -- preemptive multitasking with synchronization, efficient virtual memory management, a framework for drivers, a security architecture, asynchronous interprocess and network communication -- he sidestepped completely. He also seems to have retconned a lot of things in a self-serving way. The "God commanded 640 4-bit" stuff was originally "My screen painting algorithm is too simplistic to run 8 or 24-bit without maxing out the CPU." It's also worth pointing out that, as far as I know, nothing he wrote was ever really validated or alpha tested. There are almost certainly major issues with his code that will never be known, and it seems he went out of his way to avoid implementing things that would have made validating his work easier. OS keeps crashing? Well, there's no process separation and everything is ring 0, so maybe it's the program's fault. Does it adhere to network protocol standards or does it fail to communicate with other devices? No network stack, so no way to tell. Etc. Again, I'm not pissing on the guy's programming ability. But I don't think he was Mozart with schizophrenia.

[@awsomebot1]

​@@ptolemaic3238holy cringe

[@conradpierce8994]

@@funkyfedora5972 you're saying a lot of nothing

[@plausibruh]

That feeling of being completely alone in the world fucking hurts. Especially when Terry was surrounded by people who either could not relate to him or were actively working against him. I'm happy that his story exists for us all to see, though. We've done him justice and he did the best he could, making something that's admirable despite suffering. It gives a bit of solace to suffering, that there's some kind of hope underneath all the bullshit that is life. Thank you, Terry. I hope you're at peace now.

[@dreamcogs3877]

Terry's creation will last forever as one of the most impressive projects. His knowledge and creativity is boundless, like heaven.

[@djbanizza]

Harassing someone in his state of mind seems pretty evil.

[@michaelallen185]

4chan in a nutshell

[@renko8065]

@@michaelallen185 why does 4chan still exist?

[@funnyman2097]

It was funny tho

[@kenetickups6146]

Ken It doesn't

[@gibraltar2843]

John Bolden III they found two terrorist sites in the Middle East. They found landmarks in the background of terrorist videos, calculated distances and countless other things, and one user with a very strong connection in the Russian military, called in air strikes, with all of the evidence and calculations. After scouting the grounds afterwards, the users of 4chan were _right._ There were terrorists hiding out there, and they had been wanted for a long time.

[@beedubree2550]

1:05:22 "When my bird was looking at my computer monitor, I thought 'Woah, that bird has no idea what he's looking at!' And yet, what does the bird do? Does he panic? No, he can't really panic; he just does the best he can." That was a surprisingly profound statement. It really shows that there was a proper intelligence there, imagine what he could have done if it weren't for schizophrenia.

[@leandrocasas90]

He rationalized that like a classic philosopher.

[@JohnRBIV]

When I get depersonalized or otherwise overwhelmed by the absurdity of existence, I'll think about this quote, and it helps me carry on.

[@atifbaig4091]

You should try to dig his stuff on reality, you'd be surprised how woke his stuff was

[@BarographSoup]

I suffer from schizophrenia, and I feel this weird understanding of Terry. Not his use of slurs, or intense religiosity, but his absurd sense of humor, gangstalking delusions, general psychosis, his general demeanor and intensity, I just sort of get it. The weird things he laughs at, or will say and do, I get it, I can sorta predict it. While I'm not off the deep end like him, I can safely go on week long camping trips alone and isolated in the woods and live on my own for example, I still have my moments of complete and total delusion, and my moments of total and complete lucidity. In between, I'm just in a sort of malaise, in that sort of fumbling around with and cycling through ideas that Terry exhibits through many of his videos, though much less severe, and at a manageable level that lets me live independently. Anyways, I can't really, properly express the way it feels seeing what I experience projected out like this, even if it's a different personal experience than mine. I think the video honestly speaks for itself. All I can really add is this: be kind to people, I guess. Terry suffers, I suffer, we see stuff that isn't there, can't tell daydream from reality, all that shit. Don't be a Christorian or anything like that. Just extend out your love and kindness and humanity to the people around you, because people like Terry and I can't reach out to grasp onto this reality ourselves because of things we didn't want, didn't choose to suffer from, and so we just need someone to reach out for us to grasp onto. That's what happened when Terry was fully lucid talking to those teenagers, that's the kindness we need in this world.

[@andrewpereira888]

Very powerful writing. Thanks for sharing.

[@weedboyjjofficial6350]

as a person with a psychotic disorder (not schizophrenia) i wish you the best and also let's hope for the destigmatization of our disorders in the future

[@XSlimSxadyX]

@@weedboyjjofficial6350 I have autism and ocd and although it isn’t the same, I hope for all of us affected by mental illnesses or developmental disorders to be treated with the respect that we deserve.

[@haydenwilson7382]

God, what a good string of comments. You all make me want to be a better man. Thank you.

[@xplinux22]

This comment hit me hard emotionally; I felt genuine tears welling up as I read this. Agreed 100% with everything you have to say, and though I'm not religious myself, God bless you bro. You make me want to be a better person.

[@reptile797]

This is a valuable lesson on the profound cruelty in which 4chan and other online harassers are capable of. Many focus on the donations given to him in his final months, but overlook the manipulative behavior by the same community that had driven him to that point.

[@theepicduck6922]

Certainly isn't unique to 4chan. Seen death threats ranging from Twitter and any number of places. People act really out there on the web.

[@godsrevolver9737]

Daniel Larson is one that I feel particularly bad for. Same situation

[@FZJanimated]

is always the same. they dont care about the person they are laughing at, they just dont want their source of entertainment to die. they will " help " them, the same a jackass throw a banana to a monkey in a cage, is just for their own amusement.

[@Forcoy]

​@@theepicduck6922 They are definitely not as viscious on twitter. As much as it goes for appearences, and the youtube videos you've seen, twitter hardly compares to 4chan. The most youll get is some 12 year old white girls saying "kys" and "grow and change as a person", with you maybe being doxxed. On 4chan, you will definitely be doxxed.

[@RUDY-COLEMAN]

Lol was that black guy who threatened to brutalize him from 4 chan?

[@thattubechannel]

1:05:12 That was one of his lucid moments. He realizes he doesn't have a grasp of reality, and was able to make a truly beautiful metaphor to explain it. He realizes how lost he is and how much he struggles to make sense of it. It's heartbreaking.

[@MiniMackeroni]

During the clips of his livestream when comparing the early hours and the caffeinated "30+ hours awake" moments, it's almost night and day. While obviously not healthy or sane, you see little glimpses of self-realization of his behavior. I'm.. sad now.

[@votecthulhu9378]

Its so strange because I couldnt really get what he was trying to say basically 100% of the time but this moment was really eye opening which in itself is really confusing because we all consider this guy to be delusional yet he has able to provide a big revelation to me

[@xramejin]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/a162e36Ao79smck Here is also a very good moment where he spoke quite lucidly about his life experiences.

[@billybilly8559]

Very sad

[@SumeaBizarro]

I have to agree. I have a lot of "bird ideas" of life and nature of the globe and universe. But from this day on I will keep calling them Bird ideas, only to answer honestly if someone asks me why I call them that.

[@Nincubura]

"he would wait until they were finished singing to speak again" *Terry:* SHUT UP BIRD

[@Nincubura]

@CloudNIN420 fr LOL

[@PWARHOLM]

at 41:25

[@bastiangalaz4580]

Birds drive him mad

[@somebodyelseyoudontknow]

lmfao

[@baseballjustin5]

Tbf I would have said shut up bird lol

[@supersniffer9632]

"our family lost our very special bright shining star" this line always makes me cry

[@KingDetraktos]

Honestly, the “40 years in the desert” joke was pretty good. Thanks for all your many contributions to the world, Terry. Probably best that you went when you did.

[@GuruGuru-mp5cu]

the thing is, that's 16 colours, 2d and 3d sprites, games, music, all running on what's basically a text file. He managed to pull off some insane shit

[@yourik.1260]

True

[@D00000T]

Really makes you remember how much foundation has been laid over decades for programmers. Taking it all away makes it a nightmare to make anything yet this man manage to basically do all that

[@martinsauer8856]

@@D00000T I’ve seen programmers who don’t even have basic understanding of how a compiler works All they do is pressing the green arrow inside their IDE

[@yeetyeet7070]

@@D00000T *by programmers

[@yeetyeet7070]

@@martinsauer8856 I've seen construction workers who don't even understand the chemistry behind concrete All they do is press the green button on their big truck that goes brrrr

[@nqrtzy8765]

“I think I’m like a bizarre little person who walks back and forth. Whatever...haha, peace” -His last words on his last video, which was uploaded a few hours before he died

[@petrie911]

@@fatisdead7150 What an awful thing to say.

[@Atok1111]

@@fatisdead7150 u re fucking asshole u know

[@nicolassieh6799]

​@@fatisdead7150 bro, the guy was obvs delusional, theres no way to tell what he actually thought

[@SenatorWarden]

fatis dead 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@XQQ-qm8ow]

@@fatisdead7150 there is a reason why people who are mentally insane do not receive the death penalty or go to prison for committing murder, but rather go to psychiatric hosptials: its because they cannot be held accountable for their actions, as they do not hold proper control over them. Do you even understand what schizophrenia is? Its a very powerful psychosis that can't be fully controlled, even with drugs. If anyone is a filthy, immoral and ignorant pig, then it must be you for thinking that a cripplingly psychotic person should be held accountable for their racist statements and judged harshly.

[@uchihaitachi181]

That last clip of him where his speech is slurred, you can almost see in his eyes the frustration he has. As if he knows something is wrong, he can’t recognize what’s wrong, but he knows something is wrong.

[@12gauge_shawtyy]

aw man. that must be so scary, to be enemies wth your own mind like that. I hope he's at peace now, wherever he is.

[@uchihaitachi181]

@@12gauge_shawtyy Though I would deny any accusations of having faith or belief, at least directed into a singular belief structure anyway, I would like to believe the faith he had in life has secured him a place somewhere we can only speculate on

[@slprjackal]

If you mean the clip played in the credits, that exact part is why I come back to this video at minimum once a year. You can see the culmination of everything he feels, coming into reality again and seeing the situation he's in, the hopelessness, the tortured self awareness reawakened....god damn it hurts.

[@avamasquerade]

Hard to recognize a sick brain from within the confines of a sick brain...

[@AbhNormal]

*TempleOS timestamps*: 1:00 Intro to LoseThos 8:06 OSDev and HackerNews 14:12 Terry’s First Videos and Tweets 15:05 YOSPOS and Terry’s Rise to Infamy 18:44 Anti-CIA Tweets and the Hard-R Posts 24:07 A Clearer Picture 25:06 SparrowOS, Kiwi Farms, and TempleOS 26:39 - 29:31 After Egypt: Moses Game 29:32 TempleOS’s Purpose 35:45 Media Attention 38:33 - 39:12 How Terry Makes Songs 46:45 Vice News: “God’s Lonely Programmer” 50:11 Terry’s First Sermon and more anti-CIA Rhetoric 55:12 Terry’s First Livestreams 1:00:52 /g/ and Harassment Campaign 1:10:55 Deterioration, Arrest and Homelessness 1:21:11 End

[@lynnehuff9659]

That was nice of you. When people refer to timestamps, I can't correlate them to the videos i'm watching.

[@michaelkurtze5884]

1:12:19 "Forgive me. I'm trying to figure out why that... I remembered that I love you." This is where it hit me in the gut. What a tragedy for everyone involved.

[@martinescorcia3978]

Exactly. Is really frustrating knowing that so much angry or violent people, with any degree of mental problems, are trying to get a grip of love. And we can't help them.

[@Kevin-jc1fx]

It's like he were himself for a moment. A glimpse of lucidity.

[@gibraltar2843]

martín escorcia just love them. Let them see that they can trust you. I know it sounds stupid and simple but it’s true. It won’t fix their mental problems or anything of the sort, but it comforts them. I know, because before I did exercise and sports, I was like that. I wandered around, wanting to be loved by anybody, yet I was rejected. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t see the family that supported me or my awesome friends. I focused on getting too much love from others, especially from a romantic relationship. I’ve grown, now. I’m a big boy who weightlifts, runs, did wrestling and rugby and I’m about to try out Krav Maga. It took all of that to recognize that I don’t need much love, and whatever I did need, I had a massive surplus within my best friends, my family, my fellow teammates and my coaches. When I struggled, people showed me patience. When I cried, people showed me grief. I was no longer alone. I thought a lot clearer and I was better. Show these folks some love. Let them know that you care about them. It’s not going to fix them, but try to make their existence a little easier :)

[@matturner6890]

@@gibraltar2843 You're a good guy

[@gibraltar2843]

Mat Turner thank you! ^_^

[@Lurmmings]

The moment he goes briefly lucid and talks about remembering "that I love you" is heart breaking. When episodes get bad it really is like that, you forget the way you really feel.

[@ichorveinss]

also as someone who isn't schizophrenic but is borderline and has some delusions relating to the people in my life, i cant attest to the schizophrenic experience but i can attest to the borderline one. and sometimes when you get so, so angry at someone over something so, so small, and internally wish violent death upon them and wonder why youre still friends and why you ever saw anything good in them -- wonder what the good you saw even *was* -- and then come back down two hours later bawling your eyes out because you legitimately forgot that you loved someone. you forgot everything good about your closest friend and you wanted them to die. what kind of friend even are you? arent you a bad person for thinking that way just because you were convinced for a fleeting moment that that person might leave you...? well, i do that maybe three times a week.

[@P4brotagonist]

I can totally agree with that. As a schizophrenic, when I end up in a bad episode, there are moments of lucidity where I become overtaken with the realization of what is actually happening and it's really crushing.

[@Redbird-dh7mu]

Moments of lucidity can be heartbreaking. Sometimes they know they will eventually degrade back into insanity and it is sad when they realize that they will return to their own paranoid delusions. It is also sad because that is them, whenever they have moments of lucidity, you have them in their true form, but, soon, they will return to their insane behaviors, and it is heartbreaking.

[@Disabled_And_Done]

8w9hf89hw you’re a living person. And that, is beautiful.

[@GRAYgauss]

@@P4brotagonist keep on trekking man.

[@firegirl1452]

The one thing I always take away from this video, is that part where he talks about his bird looking at his computer screen. I've always thought that monologue was quite profound and.. beautiful, really. Like there's a real life lesson there

[@sarblader]

Damn, the family must have gone trough so much. I cried when he attacked the mother and then he was sorry. It's incredible how he lost any mental support and got put in jail, when he needed it the most.

[@TalexTheLich]

I'm glad that he was able to have some meals with people who cared about him at the least. I really wish he had gotten the help he needed.

[@WahotsW]

I hate to be a downer here, but I think his experience is not isolated in the slightest, at least in the US. I bet for each of the people like him, there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of similar people that go unnoticed by society. It's kind of heartbreaking, knowing they used to have families and friends...

[@valky5318]

Schizophrenia is a degenerative mental illness - much like Alzheimers progression can be slowed down but not stopped or reversed. At the point where Terry became unemployed effective treatments were virtually nonexistent and even today there is little that can be done about advanced Schizophrenia.

[@oriancunningham]

@@WahotsW yeah but how many of them wrote their own compiler? and OS?

[@thewuthgraad685]

orian cunningham stupid point, you’re missing the big picture, yes he did great, remarkable things, but there are thousands out there just like terry that are failed because of the world we live in

[@Feldschloessche]

@@thewuthgraad685 r/woooosh

[@luvondarox]

1:12:10 "I'm sorry. I made myself... I don't know. You were good. I think I made myself... hatred, for some reason. I don't know. I... Forgive me, I'm trying to figure out why I... Remember, that I love you." Damn

[@angryyordle4640]

That clip was heartbreaking

[@VolkColopatrion]

dispite it all, all the delusions and bullshit. he was a son. he was a brother.

[@dom_MillenniuM]

I heard it differently. ''I'm trying to figure out why I remember that I love you'' meaning that he couldn't remember the reason he loved her

[@ginoyesano5649]

@@dom_MillenniuM I think he was saying he does remember that he loves her, he just didn't understand why he suddenly remembered

[@the.imprint]

What? Lol?

[@pixelninja5646]

I like that the people who took him out to mcdonalds didn't just buy him a massive stack of food to appear generous and get a reaction, they sat and ate with him like a human being, they may have gotten him extra food after but i really like and respect that they sat and ate with him, he probably really needed that, just to feel normal and on the same level as everyone, to share a meal. Edit: we love you Terry you were a strange but brilliant and very miss-understood person.

[@butHomeisNowhere___]

They were from either 4chan or kiwifarms. they were just farming a lolcow. just because they were being pleasant doesn't mean they weren't still using his mental health/notoriety for their own amusement.

[@xanosghoul]

I genuinely hope that the person who trolled Terry into believing he was married to a KZbinr realizes what they contributed to and feels immense shame. Like they essentially manipulated a schizophrenic man and assaulting his father and having him commit suicide

[@pokehybridtrainer]

For that to happen, you'd have to assume they thought about things more than themselves. I don't know. But if there's a sliver of doubt, it's gonna carry them to the grave.

[@Colonel_RamRod]

Some of this was Terrys own decisions as a person with and who loves many relatives with mental disorders I’ve learned while they can be a burden they also cannot be used as blank checks as excuses for bad behavior or decisions. At the same time they did contribute to his cycles of mania/episodes, so you’re statement is correct I just want more people to know about not using your mental disorder as an excuse ❤

[@Zenriesz]

The CIA n*ggers got him, he didn't commit suicide

[@LightAndDarkMdness02]

It's weird. You see him having these profound moments of lucidity sometimes. Him talking about the bird looking at the computer really hit home with me. I dunno. Rest in peace my man, at least now you won't have to suffer.

[@LockeRobsta]

Right? At first I thought "this fool is talking about a bird looking at a monitor" and dismissed it. Then he came full circle and used it as a comparison of his intellect to the common person. I was shocked at how well he wove that story.

[@MrFutago87]

It also hits really hard as it seems that in that moment he seemed to have had a short realiziation that something was wrong with him.

[@SilverlandgmodTV]

That bird discussion got me too. He clearly was thinking about and working through concepts that are difficult for neurotypical people to wrestle with, let alone someone with schizophrenia. It's also amazing how skilled he was at programming such to the extent that he basically created an operating system from scratch. It also seems like his birds were well cared for and lived for a long time. Sometimes people with even severely debilitating mental illnesses can perform and even excel at certain specific tasks. His operating system may be bizarre and created for nonsensical reasons, but nobody can take away from the dedication and even intelligence needed to complete them. It sounds kind of cliche, but I hope he's happy now, wherever he is.

[@firstprimehunter]

What really got me was the moment he was arguing with his parents and then suddenly stopped and apologized. Like it was such a 180 that it really got me.

[@user-dj6lj1dl1c]

LockeRobster can you give me a time stamp

[@mimithehotdog7836]

"Who am I talking to? I don't know? What's reality? I don't know. You just have to, um... When my bird was looking at my computer monitor, I thought 'whooooa' that bird has no idea what he's was looking at. And yet was does the bird do? Panic? No, you can't really panicked. He just does the best he can. Is he able to live in a world where he's so ignorant? Well, he doesn't really have a choice. Yeah, he can kinda live. U-usually, the bird's ok, even though he doesn't understand the world. And, um, he can kinda learn what's safe and what's dangerous. So, um, that's where I've been lately..." Probably one of the sanest things ever from Terry A. Davis (TempleOS creator).

[@OdaSwifteye]

That's genuinely deep and insightful.

[@Catman2123]

When you have a serious mental illness there can be occasions where you find a break in the dark fog where you see this one little thing or chain of things with extreme clarity. It’s just an odd thing that happens every now and again. I’ve come to notice that perspective can shift radically moment to moment which I’m sure is at least part of what triggers these epiphanic moments. If you’re wanting a source, I’m just speaking from experience. I have generalized anxiety, bipolar, depression, and ADHD. I go through bouts of deep suicidal depression about every 18 months roughly and the resulting stresses can lead to near psychosis. I’m not a doctor by any means, but I’ve spent enough time as a patient to pick up on the bare basics.

[@theKennyHalt]

@@Catman2123 just want to I appreciate your comment and openness on this your experience

[@BJGvideos]

@Lillie Does Stuff Me too!

[@setablaze1802]

Roman Villegas I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer through that. Thank you for providing your insight and experience.

[@amnsnr]

1:30:28 “i cant really control it, i dont know who has access” its like he was aware they weren’t real but his mind was so fucked up he just couldnt hold on

[@laniakeas92]

Schizophrenia, dementia and depression are imo scariest diseases 😢 There's no worse prison than prison of one's mind My heart goes out for each who has to go through these Illnesses

[@premier69]

BPD is the worst.

[@laniakeas92]

@@premier69 for other people - yes. Not to the ill person.

[@premier69]

@@laniakeas92 i dunno about that. i guess it's a toss up

[@laniakeas92]

@@premier69 borderline people often reject their diagnosis and tend to blame other for their struggles.

[@premier69]

@@laniakeas92 yes i know, i have it and 2 dead family members who had it. I've also met others with it.

[@JustCallMeRob]

This guy was literally praying to RNGesus.

[@RetroPlus]

JustCallMe Rob Underrated comment

[@murraymoore7784]

BADUM TSs

[@erickguessford4984]

damn . . . too good.

[@mr.c9820]

its funny, but the video is too depressing for me to laugh

[@MegaGamerscast]

Was thinking the same thing

[@Zanytiger6]

I like how his birds are likely singing his randomly generated hyms.

[@ventriloquistmagician4735]

God is good (seriously tho)

[@Grendell100]

What a tragic story. I have a friend with schizophrenia and I can see so many parallels in this guy's and her behaviour. It's a terrible illness. She realised something was wrong and sought professional help. She is and likely will be on pills for the rest of her life, but at least she has full control over herself now. So sad Terry wasn't this fortunate.

[@Micha-Hil]

God really told Terry "make an entire operating system from scratch" and he obliged with no hesitation

[@arachnidsLor]

this is just depressing. the internet has become a place where schizophrenics and other mentally ill people are put on display like in a circus and just become the entertainment of the masses. on the surface the things he says and does arent good, but they all happen because he is so severely trapped within his own ill mind where everything makes sense to him and i feel like the internet has done more harm than good to people who suffer from schizophrenia.

[@NotAGoodUsername360]

We've moved on from the freak shows of physical deformities of the past to freak shows of mental deformities. It is progress, in a certain way. At least the mental freaks aren't rounded up and locked away, out of sight out of mind.

[@SpeedoIPL]

Yeah, this is disgusting, even the comments here are mostly jokes about his delusions. He needed help, and instead got the internet.

[@NikolaiCarpathia]

Alternatively we are in an age where more attention is brought to people suffering from mental disabilities while increasing advances are being made in treatment. The people who need to know are more likely to notice the signs if they or a loved one start to degrade, and they are more likely to receive treatment now.

[@notoriousjester2593]

It's sad, he should have gotten help. Instead he died hit by a train, only remembered as a jester for 4chan and kiwifarms...

[@b33lze6u6]

You ever laugh when your friend trips and falls? Dont mistake morbid curiosity and dark humor for malice

[@Hank..]

"If you don't wanna go for realism, you can go for better than realism" Actually not a bad quote

[@theangryaustralian7624]

Elephants are better with blue eyes

[@Winter_337]

Revisiting this after a long break. What a heartbreaking story. Terry was my main inspiration to learn software development. TempleOS is an oddity in its applications, but in pure skill, drive, and ambition put to code it's a pure marvel. His mind, though damaged, was brilliant. I admire him to this day, and found him entertaining and brilliant. I miss him often

[@lynnehuff9659]

Did you know Terry? I haven't watched this for a long time, but I know that he and his family suffered mightily.

[@Winter_337]

@@lynnehuff9659 no, sadly I only knew of him through the window he provided us all with into his life. I know the pains of the family must be great, and I feel deeply for them

[@ShadowClaw22]

Oh yeah, heartbreaking for having a bigiot, piss off

[@TheLesserWeevil]

It makes me sick that someone with a clear mental illness is left to fend for themself.

[@ZaLewdWarudo]

This is honestly so depressing. We more or less have the time line of someone's dealing with severe schizophrenia up until the day he died. It really puts into perspective how destructive mental illness can be. It's a real life tragic story that we have pretty good evidence of as a result of the Internet coming into existence. Isn't that crazy?

[@TheQuixoticEnd]

@@user-xz4og4xo3j I agree. A lot of what he did was things we think, but just don't act on because we know it's crazy.. they never knew they were being crazy and fall into a pit

[@alexritchie4586]

Hundreds upon hundreds of comments and literally nobody has mentioned how a weird loyalty to some 'Murican Evangelist hyper-Christianity probably pushed him WAY beyond the pale 🤔

[@TheQuixoticEnd]

@@alexritchie4586 yeah but anyone who's crazy will take what's said to them and use it to rationalize their behavior. It could've been anything

[@TheQuixoticEnd]

@@alexritchie4586 although I will admit the major "Christian" evangelists use the same mental tricks a psychic uses. Along with using mentalism to profit and ruin the psyche of thousands. He probably ran into that as a kid for sure

[@carsong4995]

Nice kira pfp btw

[@kotik5762]

“They wandered 40 years in the desert, so this must be what they did” as they circle around way too fast. Terry had his moments of pure comedic genius

[@greenblood2313]

Why is it that reddit teenagers take every little brainfart from mentally ill people as underrated world changing memey meme humor?

[@thelongestpage7555]

@@greenblood2313 who hurt you?

[@Vap0reon518]

@@greenblood2313 shush

[@jeremysworld3061]

@@greenblood2313 deez nuts lol

[@xXmechamonkeeXx]

@@greenblood2313 why is it that you are reducing a person’s creative and comedic insights to a little brainfart just because of their mental illness

[@friendofp.24]

Terry's meltdowns at his parents were exactly like how my family member with schizophrenia did it. She wasn't belligerent while on meds, but when she thought she didn't need them, within days she would become angry, confrontational, and physical. Schizophrenia isn't solvable, but there's nothing America does beyond giving them drugs.

[@yawn6986]

Yes! Mental illness is still so stigmatized/misunderstood that in our lifetimes, we may never see it advance for those who need it, especially medications. Those are no joke meds. They can cause side effects just as unbearable if not worse for the patient (I am on one, and the side effects are horrible).

[@gairisiuil]

@@yawn6986 My life was made irrevocably worse by a medication I took for bipolar disorder. I started on it while recovering from mono, and as I was finally getting back into a workable state, a slightly aggressive increase in the dose caused me to have a really, really bad reaction that flipped some sort of switch in my body. According to everything I've learned in the past 5 years, I'm going to have chronic pain and fatigue for the rest of my life. I'm on different meds now that work fine, but it really made me scared of taking my meds for a while.

[@johngoldsworthy7135]

Schizophrenia is not incurable

[@gairisiuil]

@@johngoldsworthy7135 It's not untreatable, but it is most definitely incurable.

[@johngoldsworthy7135]

@@gairisiuil that’s just a lie

[@TsshaVT]

Just watched this for the first time and...I'm in tears. It's a strange, offensive, and unhinged story...and yet I can't help but lament his passing. Sometimes I think we forget the reality of severe mental illness. A system that dumped him on his parents, who later kicked him out after he became violent toward his father...after which he became homeless. Instead of getting the help he needed, he was abandoned to live on the streets. Living off the kindness of random strangers and the generosity of online trolls. It's so strange, and a reminder that said trolls are also human. Even as they farm their lolcow, they can't ignore a man starving in front of them. It's a truly striking contradiction...

[@CaecusYT]

1:12:20 "Forgive me I have to try and figure out why I remembered.... That I love you" Damn it's heartbreaking hearing him trying to come back to his senses after his episode.

[@IronMoose95]

I had to momentarily disconnect myself from what had just happend there because of how heartwrenching it was

[@EnjoyCocaColaLight]

That was pretty fucking insane, yeah.

[@mezmezzy1870]

27:18 >Hold Court >"A woman commits adultery to a child" >Punish >Hold Court >"A child commits adultery to a child" >Really Punish

[@originalgod9087]

GOD WANTS 20%

[@morganqorishchi8181]

Given Terry mentioned being sexually abused as a kid in a few streams, it makes me wonder if him going "really punish" to the child-on-child adultery is a hint as to what may have transpired. That poor man...

[@ghost-dg6tj]

Morgan Naviaux I just feel really sad for him and disgusted at the people who tormented him

[@Pippatis]

When I first saw this video a few years ago, it really resonated with me. My best friend has schizophrenia and I would often see similar displays of nonsensical rambling and extreme anger scattered with the occasional ray of lucidity shining through. I remember so badly wanting to help her, but never knowing how to, and that same sense of hopelessness and pity came through for Terry as well. I couldn't bring myself to watch this video again when binging your channel a year or so ago because of how depressing I found it and how deep I had been in that situation with my best friend at the time. Today, though, I'm glad I watched it again. His story had a lot of positive aspects too, with many people who supported him and what he was doing. I'm just sad he didn't have more than that. Luckily, my best friend's story hasn't ended the way Terry's did. Sometimes all it takes is good, reliable friendships, people to remind you of what reality is - but, what really matters in the end is realizing your problem and working to improve it yourself, which my best friend has been doing. Not everyone is willing to do that.

[@MisterTipp]

At around 41:10 he describes himself as "Jewish, I guess". That's pretty interesting actually, I don't think I've ever heard him talk about Jesus, mostly just Solomon and Moses

[@arm8636]

He did say he's like Jesus did he not ? Unless I'm confusing it with another quote

[@TheSonOfDumb]

"So. Well! It's good to be king, hahaha. Wait. Maybe. I think, uh, maybe I'm just like a little bizarre little person who walks back and forth. Whatever, you know. Hahaha. Wait." That self-reflection at the end. Almost made me tear up a little bit.

[@OddlyIncredible]

Moments of lucidity when you're that far gone have to be the worst and most punishing aspects of a deteriorating mental state. You _know_ something's wrong but you also won't have enough clarity for long enough to get a handle on it, and in a flash, the fog returns and coherence vanishes. Too far gone to help, but not far enough gone to never realize it. There comes a point when neurochemical problems within the brain are so pronounced that they can no longer be corrected medically and the damage becomes permanent, and he was at that stage.

[@ilovethatkatielovesclassic8771]

you should watch that entire video. it was his last. posted the morning he died. one of his more lucid later ones. he really was a profound guy

[@JaceWind]

Jesus that's so fucking sad. The mental health care system really failed him.

[@Swiss816]

i actually cried a little

[@dylanfleming675]

Seeing him speak to that man at a McDonald’s is incredibly heartbreaking. You can see how smart he is and how much potential he had, if it weren’t for his complete loss of sanity.

[@HamguyBacon]

he was being alienated and people refused to let him talk because they believe forums are big buisness.

[@Gantradies]

@@HamguyBacon not to mention that, in a way, he was RIGHT- there WERE people trying to hurt him, though not for any meaningful reason past petty human cruelty i...wouldn't be surprised if whoever it was was impersonating the woman he was obsessed with was urging him to stop taking his medication....

[@rixille]

@@HamguyBacon Yeah, social media and forums are way too strict

[@gemmahudack6182]

It’s so crazy to see him be so out of it in his videos, but seeming much more lucid in conversation with someone that was genuinely curious in him and his bizarre projects. I’m sure it helped him to know their were people that genuinely took interest in him in a non-malicious manner

[@safetytrance111]

this video is longer than most movies a time marker would've been nice but fine ill just watch the whole thing to seen what your talking about no problem

[@Dragon-Doxin]

Fredrik, I'm from Argentina and I'm really glad I learned english. I am able to watch your videos. You make beautiful art that I hope millions of people will watch all over the years to come... Even to evaluate our society. Thank you for showing respect to a person with mental illness.

[@MissMaddieHere]

he needed a community outside of online and we can see it so clearly when he interacts with others

[@maxducks2001]

Ngl, the “God wants 20%” thing made me chuckle a little.

[@greenthumb9406]

It was the “they wandered in the desert, so this must be what they did” Wasn’t expecting to get a laugh.

[@forickgrimaldus8301]

The 1st tech priest Magos

[@aidanmca4177]

Yeah the “that’s in the smallprint of the bible” I found funny

[@Chaiiuna]

Idk why but it actually kinda freaked me out.

[@globlet_]

He got a few chuckles out of me.

[@FieroFats]

You know. The people that know someone has a mental illness, and still "mess" with him are really evil people.

[@squirt4059]

Typical 4/8chan users. Virgins, Incels, whatever you wanna call them.. You should see what they do to Women online.....

[@vargdog6602]

@@squirt4059 His fanbase was mostly 4chan/8chan folks, what crack are you smoking?

[@mikemandalorian9226]

@@squirt4059 What XD You know that they were the only one watching him and supporting, right?

[@theADHDotaku]

@@squirt4059 The fact you went for those words first to describe people who use the chans shows your more of the pathetic type of people on sites like twitter, instagram, resetera and the like to do worst things then the people who use 4/8/ectchan. On those sites you get called names, on the sites YOU frequent ruin the lives of people for a word 10 to 20+ year ago and get companies to silence and drop people. 4chan can be BAD, but the other "Safer" ones can be straight fucking evil.

[@arkhammemery4712]

@@theADHDotaku My god could you possibly be any more boring and unoriginal to listen to

[@Angel-jb1dc]

This video depressed me more than I anticipated. My twin has a similar mental illness and watching him go from UC Berkeley to adult assisted living at 25 has been devastating.

[@dmtenlightenment]

such a sad story 😢 imagine what this man could have accomplished with a better mental state and the support he needed, the guy was a genius. RIP

[@Desinistre]

One of the clips after showing his outbursts towards his parents 1:12:07 "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I-I made myself... I dunno. You're good and I made myself hatred for some reason. I dunno... Forgive me, I have to try and figure out why I remembered... that I love you" Heartbreaking.

[@itsasquid]

It was almost like he snapped and realized something, but couldn't pin point what it was...

[@Pleasestoptalkingthanks]

That hit me like a punch to the chest.

[@RexcorJ]

Signs of a man trapped in a feedback loop, acknowledging that there was something wrong, but always forced to see and repeat what he thinks is right. I feel so terrible for this man, but... at least he is at peace.

[@shaurmiath6719]

Yeah, that broke me. I've had episodes. Nowhere near as serious. I've gotten help and gotten a handle on it. But I got it. I've been on the other side of that wall and to see it come down from the other side... it makes my heart nearly explode with love for the people who helped me through my worst times.

[@bobbobinson11]

Seeing modern events recorded with old cameras is always so trippy

[@marcus9441]

@PiK Just how? (Er du dansk btw?)

[@marcus9441]

@PiK, haha, how they got that high resolution back then

[@gilfredyacevedo8129]

Just fuck up my shit

[@tylerwhite9923]

@@marcus9441 If you read the comments under the video, that was actually taken from a concert film, as in high budget Hollywood production. Very well preserved 35mm film. The Woodstock movie is kinda similar.

[@ventriloquistmagician4735]

lol

[@dat_chip]

The editing of this video is great. For example, how the videos ends with one of the very last things he ever said in his videos, about him going to the library: "They must have been freaking out because such an impure person was in their presence." Usually he always spoke so highly about himself, so this was new. Perhaps a kind of premonition that things were about to end. One last moment of clarity and humbleness.

[@dar4061]

The part wheres hes screaming at his parents and becomes lucid enough to realise what hes doing is heartbreaking. Even in that moments hes having a break he says i need to figure out why the hate came in, poor guy needed support not the harrasment he received .

[@maggot9276]

No bullshit , the part where he says "forgive me... I'm trying to figure out why I remember that I love you" stopped me for a while. I had to pause the video and grasp the vastness of Terrys' sickness. The part is grim and deep. EDIT: Also something you may consider. People who have this kind of disorder are not always blabbering about nothing. Most of times there are hints of truth in their paranoic talk. They are just exaggerating, but some things might be underlined and truly considered.

[@clairelili873]

I think pratically all his blabbering was a desperate call for help, from a somewhat sanner part. the worse thing is that nobody was there to help him, and he started devolving more and more. may his soul find peace in a beatifull land, because in this one, he suffered too much.

[@rickyspeople]

Amid the vastness of his delusion there is a clarity in his vision, although it is punctuated with an occasional falter that resembles lucidity...I have to wonder how many other prolific and worshipped creators and artists suffered similar fates

[@Scorch428]

oh, im sure it makes total sense in his own mind. Its just neurtons firing in the brain and being transcribed through his words...every thought.

[@Gnatgrits]

I am a caregiver and previously worked in a home with an individual very much like terry. In these moments, it’s almost like they start to come out of a haze and realize they’re not making sense, they’re being manic and aggressive...only to find something to rationalize it again. It’s a very vicious cycle and it’s heartbreaking.

[@charmyzard]

Exactly, if you note it, Terry knew most of the time who he was dealing with or what he was saying, amazingly enough.

[@batfreeze56]

When you said the next Down the Rabbit Hole was a big undertaking, I wasn't expecting a feature film.

[@opl500]

Helps when someone else had done a lot of the filming for you. Still massive amount of work to tie it all together.

[@HenrywithCars]

As someone who works in the film industry, I'm often frustrated at the poor quality of most youtube videos. I clicked on this video with no expectations, expecting to watch 5 minutes and turn it off, but you had me hooked. An hour after watching the entire thing, I couldn't stop thinking about how well done it was, so much so that I felt compelled to log back into youtube to leave this comment. The depth of coverage was astounding. It must have taken you an eternity to amass and sift through all that information. And it wasn't just "here are the facts, bye"-you ended it by connecting Terry's story to bigger implications about our society. Well done Mr. Knudsen, well done.

[@skontejonte]

❤ very nice comment

[@user-vgrau]

1:10:55 really reminded me of my schizotypal friend who I'm trying to support for a very long time. Schizotypal disorder don't come with delusions, but he takes a lot of meds and occasionally overdoses just because there's so much of them that he forgets that he already took some. I remember the night when he was falling in and out of med-induced psychosis and he was screaming on top of his lungs to his mother and me (I was trying to calm him through the phone) to tell him to breathe so he wouldn't suffocate and die, he was in panic and we had to tell him when to inhale to calm him down... And it was very hard on him and his mother, because he was sometimes losing self-control during this episode, cursing on his mother for giving birth to him. In moments of relative clarity during the episode he tried to take antipsychotic meds, but because of constantly falling in and out of psychosis he would forget that he took them already and she had to stop him by force from taking more, which only escalated his hostility towards her, he was unable to understand that he took them already so he thought that she was torturing him by not allowing to take the antipsych.. He still remembers some of those episodes and this memories haunts him a lot. Schizophrenia is terrifying.

[@ProbeComposer]

This story was so unrelentingly grim. I feel working on it took part of me with it, it is easy to get lost in someone else's madness but I hope it was channelled into my music.

[@Arcaxon]

It absolutely was fantastic work!

[@ProbeComposer]

@@Arcaxon Cheers Arc, I hope so, layering noise over a man arguing with his parents is pretty soul destroying.

[@DCM88]

Christian W Chandler is the lolcow Jesus christ. Tommy Davis was the John the baptist or a lolcow martyr.

[@hatendiscontent]

Eh. It’s all right.

[@momocommander9531]

Your music made my stomach turn in the best possible way. You did a lovely job. The story would be much lesser without your contribution.

[@MrMistermister5655]

Gaah, that McDonald's interview broke me. It was so obvious there was still a part of him that was incredibly lucid and brilliant.

[@OtakuUnitedStudio]

That's the thing, having people to talk to has a major effect on a mental patient's ability to cope and recover. Especially with cognitive deterioration. If he'd had more people willing to listen to him, even if they didn't agree with him, he might not have ended up where he was.

[@Colonel_RamRod]

41:00 "he would wait until the birds stopped singing to continue" *5 seconds later* Terry: " Shut up Bird!" 😂

[@BlotRorschach]

The mood whiplash between the absurdity of his behavior and the overwhelming compassion people have for him is enough to tear a man in half.

[@unholyscreeches8766]

the way he talks about the moses game is honestly kind of charming. He seemed pleased with what he made and when he laughed it seemed genuine. It honestly makes me sad because if it wasn't for the schizophrenia and all the symptoms that came with it, he might've been a really inspired person. its sad how mental illness can rule a persons mind to make them so delusional, and I hope that care for the mentally ill improves as time goes on.

[@bloodsweatandbeers4684]

Hard to tell what his genuine laughs mean. He laughed at his bird dying.

[@zacharykew-denniss5068]

Whoever you are that sat down with him in McDonald's and treated him with the respect a human being deserves, well done. You did a good thing that day.

[@JaredConnell]

And he even recorded it so his good deed wouldn't go unnoticed by random strangers on the Internet. I mean what's the point of doing a good deed if you can't tell everyone about it?

[@billcosta]

i really don't know if you're trolling, but if that's really your philosophy about doing the right thing, you're a horrible person@@JaredConnell

[@benliss1591]

@@JaredConnellshut up

[@naokimewi]

@@JaredConnellTo be fair, it looked like he was more or less interviewing him about his coding knowledge, nothing wrong with that

[@lzyassoul]

"The CIA has a 7 year old deepthroathong a loaded 45 at DMW next to me ducking with me. I'll teach him to pull the trigger" I want this on a t-shirt

[@Marklennon]

I’d wear it

[@zakolascage5808]

Man clips of Terry with his family break my fucking heart. What a horrible illness and a tragic story of a brilliant individual. I can’t fathom the loneliness that he must have felt in this world, where a person in his state of mind feels nothing but glimpses of hatred, pain and at best apathy. Rest in peace Terry, You are greatly missed.

[@thememechefgaberahamlincol6190]

That bit towards the end where Terry is interviewed in a McDonald's immediately made me feel horrible that a great mind was ruined my Schizophrenia and the Internet

[@mailliw94]

the internet is not responsible for his mental illness.

[@solidussnake2425]

@@mailliw94 They exploited him and you know it

[@pitaya4151]

@@mailliw94 The internet exploited him and his ability. People called him on his phone just to make him rage on livestreams, people laughed at him for his disorders.

[@chaptap8376]

@@mailliw94 The internet made it worse by far

[@EggEnjoyer]

solidus snake They exploited him, but this what mental illness does to people.

"forgive me, I need to remember that I love you" -this is so strong. I feel like it is the sane part of the monster he has become, trying to escape the insanity.

[@clairelili873]

pratically everything he says, you can take some bits of a still sane part, in whatever his mind had become.

[@shooting6lasers]

That’s one of the most saddening parts of dealing with someone with schizophrenia or Alzheimer’s. Generally these people with severe forms of these diseases, sound so crazy that it’s hard to be able to rationalize their condition. You then see brief flashes of the person that was before, and that reminds you of how much these diseases have taken, and that is what’s devastating.

[@kaseybrown7664]

My girlfriend had schizophrenia and it was like this. When we first met, she was more lucid. Towards the end, she would have little breaks in her madness where she remembered we were in love. I eventually brought her to a mental hospital, but now they won't let me talk to her. I can only hope she'll take the meds and become lucid again. The day I left her, she didn't look at me and wouldn't hug me. Yea... I can barely type this without crying. I wish so much we had a system that was better equipped to help these people. Terry's story is so tremendously sad. I wonder if there was any way he could have been helped.

[@IBassGaming]

@@kaseybrown7664 Aww maan, huuuge internet hugs. You are an amazing person. Maybe she doesn't realize it or rather can't but she's so incredibly lucky to have that support behind her. Studying psychology atm and I can safely tell you, people like you, having a circle of close people who are willing to be patient, support and help are one of the most important aspects. They may not let you talk to her atm (which is understandable from a treatment perspective) but you've already done more than most would. Stay the way you are. If ya need anything pm me on reddit, steam or something. I use the same username on most platforms. (usually blue-black profile píc)

[@Puddspanker]

@@kaseybrown7664 stay strong brother.

[@0xSLN]

We need more documentaries from you Fredrik, they are so good and thorough! great pacing and scripts.

[@AMbradfordfilms]

The saddest thing was after he was yelling at his parents he says forgive me, I'm trying to remember why I love you.

[@ekathe85]

"When my bird was looking at my computer monitor, I thought, woah, that bird has no idea what he's looking at. And yet, what does the bird do? Does he panic? No, he can't really panic. He just does the best he can. Is he able to live in a world where he's so ignorant? Well, he doesn't even have a choice. Yes, he can kinda live, usually the bird's okay even if he doesn't understand the world, and he can kinda learn what's safe and what's dangerous. So, uh, that's where I've been living. I think, if I had to guess, I think I'm in a mental program, I have had a fake internet, and I've been struggling to tell them it's God, but they don't listen. You're that bird looking at the monitor, and you're thinking to yourself, 'I can figure this out'. And maybe, you have some bird ideas, that are... maybe that's the best you can do." (Terry A. Davies, january 2017) "A caged bird in spring knows very well that there's something he can do, feels strongly that there's something to do, what is it? He can't remember, then he has some vague ideas and he tells himself, 'the other birds build their nests and have their chicks and they incubate their eggs'. Then he smashes his head against the bars of the cage. And the cage is still there and the bird aches in pain. 'That's an idler' says another bird, 'that's some kind of tenant'. Nevertheless the prisoner is alive, not dying, none of what happens inside him shows in the outside, his health is good, he's somewhat happy in the sunlight. But then the season of migrations comes. Melancholy strikes. 'But, ' say the kids who care for him in his cage, 'he has all he needs in here'. But he looks outside at the darkened sky, bloated in storm, and inside of him he feels the rebellion against fatality. 'I'm caged. I'm caged, therefore, I can't miss anything. You idiots! I have all I need, eh! Oh please, the liberty! To be a bird, just like all the other birds!'" (Vincent Van Gogh, july 1880)

[@davebrooks918]

This is a well drawn correlation. As he was talking about his bird I had that familiar feeling and you nailed it down for me. 👍

[@llab3903]

André Breton his brilliance did shine through a few places for certain

[@mrshitterthepencilspitter6931]

Log Maggot hello there speciman

[@matrixarsmusicworkshop561]

Woah. That's how they feel

[@mememaster6928]

Log Maggot And what did you do, bub? Insult someone who made a connection smarter than you'll ever be?

[@carcotasu081]

Poor bastard. Actually started to tear up at the end, watching him going deeper and deeper into a spiral of madness was too heartbreaking. Trying to remember why he loved his parents, having moments of clarity when meeting with fans. Just...RIP

[@powercage]

One of the few lolcows that was generally a decent person going though tough times. He will be missed.

[@edgymurphy570]

carcotasu081 same here. I don’t remember the last time I cried sad tears over something from the Internet. This one cut me deep.

[@matthewford8857]

@Reunite The British Empire or he could have been so delusional that he thought the train couldn't hurt him. I know a person very similar to this and 70 percent of the time he is fine.

[@mightywurm]

“That bird has no idea what he’s looking at and yet, what does he do? Panic, no he can’t panic, he just does the best he can”